What do you think?
Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim
What if we could tell you…why you can’t get over this?
Wayne & Tamara wrote Cheating in a Nutshell To give you the answer. This book is for anyone who was cheated on in a romantic relationship.
In 20 years, Wayne & Tamara Mitchell, authors of the advice column Direct Answers, have received thousands and thousands of letters about cheating. The letters come from all over the world, different religious beliefs, different cultures, and different social norms. Rich, poor, young, old—are all represented in this book.
The reaction to being cheated on is universal, and in this book Wayne & Tamara Mitchell give the longer answer they wanted to give each and every one who wrote.
It doesn’t matter if the cheating happened today or thirty years ago, whether it happened once or multiple times. It doesn’t matter if you were dating, living together, engaged, or married. It doesn’t even matter if you are the person they cheated with, if you were victimized by the cheater.
Cheating in a Nutshell is grounded in an analysis of a 3,000-letter sample of cheating letters the authors received in the first 10 years of their column. It is backed by what they consider the most important and illuminating research evidence.
226 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 8, 2019
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
July 25, 2021
Read this if you've been cheated on
Great resource for someone who's been cheated on. It avoids putting any blame on anyone but the cheater. It validates the out-of-control feelings you have and explains how that's normal. Disgust Anger Suspicion Trauma - DAST - Great acronym for post-infidelity feelings.
Great resource for someone who's been cheated on. It avoids putting any blame on anyone but the cheater. It validates the out-of-control feelings you have and explains how that's normal. Disgust Anger Suspicion Trauma - DAST - Great acronym for post-infidelity feelings.
November 22, 2020
It did have a lot of good points however this is not the book to read if you wanted to remain married to the person who cheated. It’s very negative about the possibilities of reconciliation.
May 21, 2026
Heavily critiqued for having a very negative perspective towards the possibility of reconciliation after cheating but why would you want that in the first place??! This is a no-BS, hard take on infidelity and a must read if you're going through it, have gone through it, preparing to go through it, etc. This book was super validating and had me all riled up but better to learn those lessons now, great book!
February 8, 2023
Nails the experience of falling victim to a cheater, but lacks a bit in advice of actually *how* to recover. It was still tremendously helpful for me in being confirmed that my current state of mind is absolutely normal. I do recommend it to everyone who has been cheated on.
September 30, 2026
I would highly recommend that you do not read this book. I am unsure if this author even has credentials. Infidelity is such a complex topic and truly so devastating from so many different perspectives. This topic should be handled with both education and care. I’ll leave you with one little quote that really sent me over the edge :) — “if your relationship is hard work, it’s a sign you’re with the wrong person.” I’m sorry this is just so far from the truth
July 13, 2025
3.5/5
March 2, 2025
Welp here I am. I liked the empowerment this book gave towards victims of infidelity. With that being said I wish there were less stories and more advice on recovering. While I agree with their main points, this book seemed very biased towards never staying in a situation where one was cheated on. I think this usually good advice but life is not black white. Since their main argument is that the victim needs to leave, I do think they should include information about how this is done successfully.
January 25, 2024
This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. I could not put it down. The writers speak directly to every thought in the victims head. With their book based off of letters they have received, there were all sorts of situations addressed the reader would be able to relate to. They didn’t sugar coat anything and I felt like I was told the truth about infidelity for the first time! 1000% RECOMMEND!
September 9, 2022
“Cheating is an underhanded, treacherous act. That is it’s nature. Each of us seeks the one for us. That’s what cheating destroys, the idea that our partner chose us alone”
I think if I had read this before “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” I would have enjoyed it a lot more. This book was alright. Pretty basic in its material but may be a good place to start for some. I also appreciate how it’s another book where the authors do not place blame on the victim, recognizing that the cheater has their own agency:
“The man you were involved with was not so miserable married he was getting a divorce, but he claimed he was ‘miserably married’ as an excuse to cheat. The logic simply doesn’t hold”
(In my STBXH case, it wasn’t that he was unhappy but rather, he felt he could be “happIER”. Same logic - or lack of it - still applies)
I did really appreciate the chapter on other books regarding infidelity and recovery. The authors did a great job breaking a number of popular books on the topic and what to be wary of if someone decides to pick one up. A few I had on my TBR have been removed, at least for now when I’m still at my most vulnerable.
I think if I had read this before “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” I would have enjoyed it a lot more. This book was alright. Pretty basic in its material but may be a good place to start for some. I also appreciate how it’s another book where the authors do not place blame on the victim, recognizing that the cheater has their own agency:
“The man you were involved with was not so miserable married he was getting a divorce, but he claimed he was ‘miserably married’ as an excuse to cheat. The logic simply doesn’t hold”
(In my STBXH case, it wasn’t that he was unhappy but rather, he felt he could be “happIER”. Same logic - or lack of it - still applies)
I did really appreciate the chapter on other books regarding infidelity and recovery. The authors did a great job breaking a number of popular books on the topic and what to be wary of if someone decides to pick one up. A few I had on my TBR have been removed, at least for now when I’m still at my most vulnerable.
April 23, 2021
Nailed the experience. Pointed analysis
I’m not sure I agree with everything they say, but they nailed the physical, mental and emotional experience perfectly. Sometimes we convince ourselves we are weird for having entirely normal biological and psychological reactions to this stuff. Recommended by a friend and I also recommend to any with this situation.
I’m not sure I agree with everything they say, but they nailed the physical, mental and emotional experience perfectly. Sometimes we convince ourselves we are weird for having entirely normal biological and psychological reactions to this stuff. Recommended by a friend and I also recommend to any with this situation.
January 11, 2022
This was a great book. It explains and validates so much of the feelings someone has when they're cheated on. So many articles and books victim shames. This book does not. This is not the best book for someone who is wanting to fix things if a spouse cheats. This book gives data and studies that proves someone who has cheated is three times more likely to cheat again.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 7, 2022
cheating
Cheating is a trauma to your body just as breathing is necessary. Your body keeps the score and cheating is in black and white no matter how we would like to change it. Nobody more then me would love to love the way I did before. But the body doesn’t let you do it. It now protects you without you even knowing it. Sorry to say
Cheating is a trauma to your body just as breathing is necessary. Your body keeps the score and cheating is in black and white no matter how we would like to change it. Nobody more then me would love to love the way I did before. But the body doesn’t let you do it. It now protects you without you even knowing it. Sorry to say
October 6, 2020
This book has opened my eyes.
A non stop reading. Clarifying and a fresh way to look a things that go behind the curtains in a relathionship. The authors did a great job here. If you have doubts about what to do. Read this book.
A non stop reading. Clarifying and a fresh way to look a things that go behind the curtains in a relathionship. The authors did a great job here. If you have doubts about what to do. Read this book.
December 24, 2023
This is probably the best book on the market concerning the topic. A level-headed, scientific approach to what happens to victims of infidelity. Helps to validate experiences and also provide realistic insights for what to expect from the outside world, yourself, and your betrayer.
September 30, 2026
many a thought, and i’m glad i read this when im not currently healing from a cheater because MANN has a bitch been played….
i’m really glad this book doesn’t sugarcoat the effect of infidelity on the victim because IT IS that serious. at first, i criticized the book for not considering any gray area, but this has made me reconsider every story i know about repairing a relationship post-affair, and there hasn’t been one where the victim is not forever hurt, even if it is “slightly”. heck, beyonce stayed yet made a whole album about her pain! there are some that might not accept it as black and white, especially cheaters themselves and victims trying to make amends with the affair. i think what this book is really good at is emphasizing that we are creatures of habit, and that it is incredibly demoralizing to put your energy into someone that has intentionally and historically wronged you when there are so many other people that haven’t.
this book, however, is in no way shape or form perfect. writing’s a bit dull, and there’s a lot of anger behind its opinions. there’s a chapter about the complexities of forgiveness, but i wish it acknowledged how truly helpful forgiveness is for the victim’s health besides a sentence or two. it didn’t deep dive into recovery much besides “therapy” “keep yourself busy” and “cease all contact”, which i will admit are very strong recovery strategies, but not ones some people that are attached to their cheaters will follow. there’s also a lot of victims that struggle with trust issues in navigating dating and new relationships post-affair, and would’ve appreciated the authors touching on that subject
i don’t agree with the portion on hearsay — just because i didn’t witness infidelity with my own two eyes, i shouldn’t alarm the victim? even if it turns out to be false, shouldn’t that at least be explored? also, on the “don’t blame who the cheater cheated with,” while i get you shouldn’t think them 100% liable, it’s fair for the victim to hold them accountable and be angry. this book’s also too straight! where the gays at man
i would’ve loved if it incorporated more stories from cheaters, or even explored that it is normal and human to be attracted to different people while still having a partner, but the point of a trusted relationship is to have control.
i’m really glad this book doesn’t sugarcoat the effect of infidelity on the victim because IT IS that serious. at first, i criticized the book for not considering any gray area, but this has made me reconsider every story i know about repairing a relationship post-affair, and there hasn’t been one where the victim is not forever hurt, even if it is “slightly”. heck, beyonce stayed yet made a whole album about her pain! there are some that might not accept it as black and white, especially cheaters themselves and victims trying to make amends with the affair. i think what this book is really good at is emphasizing that we are creatures of habit, and that it is incredibly demoralizing to put your energy into someone that has intentionally and historically wronged you when there are so many other people that haven’t.
this book, however, is in no way shape or form perfect. writing’s a bit dull, and there’s a lot of anger behind its opinions. there’s a chapter about the complexities of forgiveness, but i wish it acknowledged how truly helpful forgiveness is for the victim’s health besides a sentence or two. it didn’t deep dive into recovery much besides “therapy” “keep yourself busy” and “cease all contact”, which i will admit are very strong recovery strategies, but not ones some people that are attached to their cheaters will follow. there’s also a lot of victims that struggle with trust issues in navigating dating and new relationships post-affair, and would’ve appreciated the authors touching on that subject
i don’t agree with the portion on hearsay — just because i didn’t witness infidelity with my own two eyes, i shouldn’t alarm the victim? even if it turns out to be false, shouldn’t that at least be explored? also, on the “don’t blame who the cheater cheated with,” while i get you shouldn’t think them 100% liable, it’s fair for the victim to hold them accountable and be angry. this book’s also too straight! where the gays at man
i would’ve loved if it incorporated more stories from cheaters, or even explored that it is normal and human to be attracted to different people while still having a partner, but the point of a trusted relationship is to have control.
August 12, 2022
If you have been cheated on, this book is for you
As one who has been cheated on by the same person many times over two decades, I was looking for something to help me understand and explain it all.
This book is very different that others I have read.
In summary:
1) You are not to blame for your significant others cheating. Do not allow anyone, even a therapist to tell you any different.
2) If they have cheated on you once, they will most certainly do it again and again.
3) The reasons what are often not know and do not matter.
4) The only thing to do after being cheated on is to leave the person and never look back.
5) If financially intertwined in your relationship, seek legal counsel.
6) If you are feeling depressed and cannot seem to get over the affair, get out and seek a good therapist.
The book was easy to read, with straight forward, no-holds-barred advice. Much of it may be hard to hear but I think for most people, it is what we need.
I have read that after a spouse cheats, < 10% of the those relationships can be saved. Not something most of of what to hear, but probably need to do so.
Two things to know:
1) Their are some small religious overtones in this book but not enough to make me, an atheist put it down.
2) The book only covers heterosexual relationships and though non-traditional couples can learn from the advice in the book, I would love to see a similar book covering gay/lesbian culture and its differing norms.
If you are in a relationship where you are being cheated on, know you deserve better. It is not your fault. I hope you an find a real positive solution to your situation. This ok may help.
As one who has been cheated on by the same person many times over two decades, I was looking for something to help me understand and explain it all.
This book is very different that others I have read.
In summary:
1) You are not to blame for your significant others cheating. Do not allow anyone, even a therapist to tell you any different.
2) If they have cheated on you once, they will most certainly do it again and again.
3) The reasons what are often not know and do not matter.
4) The only thing to do after being cheated on is to leave the person and never look back.
5) If financially intertwined in your relationship, seek legal counsel.
6) If you are feeling depressed and cannot seem to get over the affair, get out and seek a good therapist.
The book was easy to read, with straight forward, no-holds-barred advice. Much of it may be hard to hear but I think for most people, it is what we need.
I have read that after a spouse cheats, < 10% of the those relationships can be saved. Not something most of of what to hear, but probably need to do so.
Two things to know:
1) Their are some small religious overtones in this book but not enough to make me, an atheist put it down.
2) The book only covers heterosexual relationships and though non-traditional couples can learn from the advice in the book, I would love to see a similar book covering gay/lesbian culture and its differing norms.
If you are in a relationship where you are being cheated on, know you deserve better. It is not your fault. I hope you an find a real positive solution to your situation. This ok may help.
September 13, 2026
It was refreshing to read a book that doesn’t add shades of gray to the black-and-white distinction between the cheater and the cheated, the victim and the perpetrator of the crime.
In a woke world where calling a spade a spade is somehow controversial, there is endless literature that shames the victim and defends the cheaters. This book counters those pseudo-intellectual narratives with logical arguments backed by science.
I found that many of the book’s insights on betrayal could also, at least partly, explain human reactions to being betrayed in other close, platonic relationships. Astute and deeply insightful. Would read again
In a woke world where calling a spade a spade is somehow controversial, there is endless literature that shames the victim and defends the cheaters. This book counters those pseudo-intellectual narratives with logical arguments backed by science.
I found that many of the book’s insights on betrayal could also, at least partly, explain human reactions to being betrayed in other close, platonic relationships. Astute and deeply insightful. Would read again
March 1, 2022
Not helpful for those who stay
This book is very one-sided. To the point where it seems the authors don’t believe in forgiveness and once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. It’s in their DNA. Can’t be any other way so the OBVIOUS answer is to leave. I’m worse I was when I started reading. Not helpful for me at all. Thank goodness I have my own mind to know that reconciliation is real and very much possible for couples who work hard to stay together and improve their relationship by communicating more, and loving each other on purpose.
This book is very one-sided. To the point where it seems the authors don’t believe in forgiveness and once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. It’s in their DNA. Can’t be any other way so the OBVIOUS answer is to leave. I’m worse I was when I started reading. Not helpful for me at all. Thank goodness I have my own mind to know that reconciliation is real and very much possible for couples who work hard to stay together and improve their relationship by communicating more, and loving each other on purpose.
August 14, 2024
This was a refreshing take on cheating. I'm tired of reading about forgiveness, taking him/her back, reconciling. Ugh! I just want to be mad 😠 and go through the emotions as they come.
It was nice to know why I felt they way I did and that I'm completely normal in reacting how I did. It also gave me some explanations of what I was feeling and put into words the things I couldn't quite express. I had a lot of ah ha moments while reading this book.
Thank you for the clarity and putting it into words I can comprehend.
It was nice to know why I felt they way I did and that I'm completely normal in reacting how I did. It also gave me some explanations of what I was feeling and put into words the things I couldn't quite express. I had a lot of ah ha moments while reading this book.
Thank you for the clarity and putting it into words I can comprehend.
September 6, 2025
a lot of truths necessary to hear. amongst all the inner emotional and mental turmoil, this book was everything i needed it to be without sugarcoating the truth or downplaying anything. i truly cannot thank the authors of this book enough. their approach to every chapter is spot-on and encapsulated thoughts and feelings i couldn't even begin to verbalize or process. i am beyond thankful i found this book when i did.
June 1, 2024
Cheaters will definitely struggle with reading this book. The authors take a very firm stance against cheating and from their experience it appears that cheating is not something relationships can actually recover from. If you feel that other books on the subject are too soft on cheaters or victim blaming then this is probably the book for you.
May 12, 2025
Must Read!
Must read for one who has been victimized by a cheater. This book helped me make my decision with truth and reasoning. I’m taking MY life back and moving forward. No more crumbs, no more half measures. They avail nothing. Maybe this was all a blessing in disguise and I can thank him one day.
Must read for one who has been victimized by a cheater. This book helped me make my decision with truth and reasoning. I’m taking MY life back and moving forward. No more crumbs, no more half measures. They avail nothing. Maybe this was all a blessing in disguise and I can thank him one day.
March 13, 2026
I felt like this was a very helpful book. Very validating. I’d rate it 3.5 stars because it was opinion based and the writing a bit lack luster. However, agree with the opinion and felt empowered by the message.
September 8, 2026
Very empathetic insight on the effects infidelity has on the victim. However I could have done with less letters from people included. I skimmed over a lot because I didn’t feel invested in personal stories of others.
However it’s a great read and very helpful. It made me feel seen.
However it’s a great read and very helpful. It made me feel seen.
June 14, 2025
This book is spot on! If you have recently discovered that you are being cheated on, this is the best book for advice. If you want the summary version, it is 'Get out'!
January 18, 2026
A book that's 100% on your side, possibly the only one of its kind.
May 21, 2026
read this if you don't want to feel like a nut case after being cheated on
don't read this if you are a nut case and want to continue getting cheated on
don't read this if you are a nut case and want to continue getting cheated on
May 4, 2025
I read this book about two months after discovering my wife’s affair, once we had already separated. While I found value in it, I think it’s especially useful for those who are still debating whether to attempt reconciliation or leave their partner. The book offers perspectives from the betrayed partner on the impact of infidelity. A solid read if you’ve been betrayed and need confirmation that you’re not crazy for what you’re feeling.
March 18, 2022
started this ebook mostly as a lark.
thought nutshell = short essay... was a bit more than that.
thier analysis of prominent books and studies was interesting.
a needed voice of dissent ... a voice telling the betrayed, belittled, gaslighted and left behind that they are not wrong with what they feel.
a balance to all the 'we can work it out' fed to us over the decades.
thought nutshell = short essay... was a bit more than that.
thier analysis of prominent books and studies was interesting.
a needed voice of dissent ... a voice telling the betrayed, belittled, gaslighted and left behind that they are not wrong with what they feel.
a balance to all the 'we can work it out' fed to us over the decades.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews