So, although I am a Romance novel fan, I don’t exactly keep abreast (heh) of what everyone’s writing–except maybe Eloisa James, because I’m apparently contractually obligated to buy her latest book, a 3 Musketeer’s Bar, and a diet coke and consume all three in an orgy of stereotypical American femaleness. Sometimes I even dye my hair red while I’m doing it.
I WISH I WERE KIDDING.
Anyway, I’m a fan, but I’m not a good fan, so I didn’t know anything about Don’t Tempt Me until I read this review–despite the fact that Lord of Scoundrels is one of my all-time faves! Bad Mankiller! Bad! Ahem. Oyceter wrote that it was problematic, but she also wrote that she started skimming every time someone started mentioning the harem, which means she probably missed about 3/4 of the book and therefore could not fully communicate how AWESOMELY WRONG AND TERRIBLE IT IS.
But I read every goddamn line, so I can deliver this shit unto you ON A PLATTER. Spoilers!
Okay, so here’s the sitch: brooding and damaged anti-hero, blah blah lost his whole family, terrible tragedy, deep emotional wounds, who really cares-cakes. His name’s Lucien and he’s a duke. Remember that. And then, here is the magical part! Our heroine is not of the exasperating variety! Instead, she’s THE FEMALE VERSION OF THE OUTSIDER WITHIN!
Oh, and she’s literally a virgin whore, but we’ll get to that part later.
So anyway, Zoe–our heroine’s name is Zoe–was kidnapped at the age of twelve by white slavers in Cairo who wanted her for the son of this really high-ranking guy! Because the son was IMPOTENT and they were hoping that blond, blue-eyed Zoe could FIX THAT SHIT because blonds are apparently MAGIC to the Arab people!
None of this is an exaggeration on my part. All of these are actual, expressed opinions and plot points.
So yeah, Zoe’s given as a second wife to this guy, and of course she can’t cure him of his impotence because she neglected to bring a bottle of viagra with her. TERRIBLE OVERSIGHT ON HER PART. But! He really likes her! So he showers her with jewels and she saves them and waits for her opportunity to escape–which finally comes when she’s 24 and her husband and his father die within hours of each other. Then she runs to the British part of Cairo, struggles to remember her English, and is transported back to the sweet, sweet soil of England, where she can finally be FREE!
Oh, it gets better. Did I mention that it gets better? Because IT GETS BETTER, MOTHERTRUCKERS.
So even though she has never had teh sex, which Loretta Chase apparently defines quite strictly as “having been penetrated by his ROCK-HARD MEMBER,” Zoe is well-versed in the Arts of Love! She knows how to please a man, because she was taught how to do so in the harem! So even though she’s “still a virgin” (although from what I can gather, she has to be one of those “technical virgins” the kids these days are talking about), she knows her way around a trouser-snake like WOAH!
And because she’s not an inhibited English lady–no, she’s just like one of those slutty, slutty harem girls, except without the penetration part!–she’s always trying to feel up Our Hero. Because unlike the inhibited English, she believes in Feeling Good! And speaking from the heart! And bullying her poor defenseless lady’s maid into being her emotional confidant, just like her slave back in Egypt was (!).
An aside: Even though Zoe’s quite certain that she would have been murdered if she’d stayed in the harem after the deaths of her husband and father-in-law, and even though she says she was quite fond of that particular slave, it never occurs to anyone that the poor woman probably met the ax the second Zoe bolted without her. Not even Zoe mentions the possibility–nor does she mention the slave again after having bullied her new servant into being her friend.
I’m sure she really, really cared about that woman who was her slave. Cared deeply.
Anyway, she feels up the hero one too many times and he loses control (!) and has vaginal intercourse with her and, you know, that’s that. They’ve gotta get married. So they do, and he buys her some disgusting bling (seriously, everyone’s like, “That shit is tacky! BUT WE LOVE IT!”), and she moves into his house and asks to see the household accounts and the house steward is like, “Don’t trouble your pretty little head about it!” and she’s all, “Fuck you, give me the ledgers.” So he does, and then promptly runs away because he’s been skimming off the top for YEARS and hasn’t exactly been clever about it.
Well, it turns out that like every other upper servant was in on it, and most of them didn’t have the chance to flee, so Lucien (remember Lucien? Yeah, me neither. He’s not very interesting) has to decide what to do with them. Because if he turns them over to the authorities they’re all going to be executed, which even he’s gotta admit is a little harsh. So! Instead, he lights upon a Perfect Solution: if they agree to perform ten years of unpaid service–the same amount of time they’ve worked for him–at a charity of his choosing, he won’t say anything to the authorities! He’ll even dismiss them with a letter of reference! THAT’S HOW GENEROUS HE IS!
Awww. No one points out that this is essentially slavery, but whatevs! It’s better than being EXECUTED, amirite! What a guy!
Lucien is SUCH a great guy, in fact, that he feels terrible about what horrible thieves his slaves employees are! If he’d only taken responsibility and acted like a real duke, none of this would have happened! It’s his fault, because it’s not like the lower orders have free will or anything! If he’d just been a good master, they would have been happy in their jobs and wouldn’t have taken all that money!
…yeah.
And don’t even get me started on Lucien’s “mad aunt” and her “wacky” outbursts and how kind Lucien is for financially supporting her, even though she’s totes crazy!
So basically, the book can be summed up thusly: Loretta Chase is scared of women with sexual experience and the agency to GET that experience, so she created a character who is a “virgin” with “skillz,” but who got said skillz “through no fault of her own.” Oh, and Chase accomplishes this through appalling stereotyping and probably terrible historical misrepresentation. Also, she fully supports the idea that a nobleman had a right to be a dictator, as long as he was a benevolent dictator. PS: the only real sex is sex where a guy puts his boner in your vagina. Remember that!
I…LOVED IT! But that’s because my sense of humor is deeply, deeply fucked.
Recommended for: Um…um…no.
SPECIAL BONUS MATERIAL: I always love to see what excuse the author is gonna come up with for why our Heroine or Hero bathes every day. This time? It’s a “Muslim” custom Zoe picked up and “refuses” to do away with.