À fleur de peau

Counting #1

by Nicola Haken

Dylan Roberts et Cameron O’Neil étaient des enfants sages. En grandissant, ils ont tout partagé. À quatorze ans, ils étaient plus que des meilleurs amis – ils étaient amoureux. Ils rêvaient de leur avenir, de succès, de mariage... de bonheur. Ils allaient vieillir ensemble.

Mais... « Les enfants sont stupides. »

Quand des circonstances tragiques les ont séparés, Dylan a découvert que la vie n’était pas le conte de fées dont il rêvait. Elle était sombre, difficile, saturée de douleur et de honte. La vie n’était pas faite pour qu’on l’apprécie, on survivait et même ça, c’était un challenge.

Blessé, inutile, répugnant, il ne voyait pas l’utilité de son existence pitoyable...

Jusqu’à ce qu’il tombe nez à nez avec le garçon dont il était amoureux.

Prospère, honorable et heureux, Cameron a obtenu l’avenir qu’ils avaient planifié. Il était doué, optimiste, populaire... tout ce que Dylan ne serait jamais. Que se passerait-il si Dylan le laissait revenir dans son monde ? Détruirait-il Cameron en même temps ? Son poison le repousserait-il, comme tout le monde ?

« Tout le monde part. »
« Ils partent ou ils meurent. »
Mais si... si Cameron ne le faisait pas ?

Genres: M M Romance, Romance, Contemporary, Friends To Lovers, Second Chance, Dark, Addiction

250 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 24, 2016

About the author

Romance Author.

I live in not-so-sunny Rochdale, England (true northern girl!) with my five kids - one of whom many refer to as my husband. I write about life, and love, and all the beauty and angst that come with them.

All in all I'm just an ordinary gal with an addiction to reading, tattoos, and Pepsi Max. I don't like even numbers or metal spoons, and I'm allergic to exercise.

Please note: I don't check in here often. If you would like to contact me, please get in touch via Facebook, Twitter, or email - nicola@nicolahaken.co.uk

Reviews

[☆ Todd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jesus, that was heart-wrenching.

And painful.

And exhausting.

And utterly beautiful.



I have the fortitude for a drug addiction and loss story like Dylan and Cameron's maybe once a year. Any more than that and I'm be reaching for the liquor and anti-depressants.



But whenever I do summon the courage to read one of these stories, and mentally recover from them afterwards, I'm usually glad at having read it.

"Counting Daisies" was an amazing story of love, loss, reconnecting, getting better, then getting worse, and finally getting the life that was always meant to be lived.

[From Dylan's song to Cameron]

If I could go back, I’d take it all away

Take away the pain of missing you each day

I’d tell you I was sorry, I’d tell you I’ll be good

Maybe then I’d get to live the life I always thought I would

Although this book made me want to scream and throw my eReader across the room on several occasions, this one had all of the feels in all the right places, so I'm giving "Counting Stars" the full 5 stars.

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This book is *FREE* with Kindle Unlimited membership.

[moonlight ☾ [semi-hiatus] · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars ☆

"Count the daisies, Dylan. Turn those bad thoughts into something beautiful. By the time you have a pretty little bunch in your hands, it will all be over."

well, shit. this was one of the most heart-wrenching books i've ever read. i appreciated the cute, little moments we had between Dylan and Cameron towards the middle bc i most likely wouldn't have survived if it was angst from start to finish. i wasn't really a fan of their first encounter after being separated for years, if im being honest. it just felt too fast, without any build up? i know Dylan said that he had been keeping an eye on (*cough* stalking) Cameron from afar for a while but, bc it was more telling > showing, i'm kinda just meh of their encounter after years of no contact. aside from that one thing, i was pretty much invested throughout the book.

my heart broke so much for Dylan. im not an addict so idk what it's like to be in his situation but the way i wanted to reach out and hug him—the portrayal felt believable enough for me to cry bc i just wanted him to have all the good things. i loved Cameron for being so supportive, always being there for Dylan, but i also liked how his character felt realistic in a sense where i could see myself making the same decisions he made, if i was in his place. in reality, i consider myself a soft person and i wouldn't be strong enough to handle something like this, which is where Paul comes in; the way he didn't tiptoe around Dylan, scared of making a wrong move/saying the wrong thing, in a way that Cam did. i loved the contrast between Cameron and Paul bc you see how two people make different decisions during tough situations. Paul's probably my fav side character, he was such a genuinely good person and the way he cares for people. 🥺 speaking of, i badly need a book about Paul and Derek, pls thank u. i sense chemistry between them already. 😩

this book was honestly more than a romance and, even tho i went into this for the romance, i loved Dylan's journey even more. i was so proud of him by the end and seeing his growth, he came such a long way and i love him!! 😭 if you're in the mood to cry, i'd highly rec this! even tho it was sad, painful, heartbreaking, it was a great story nonetheless and it's worth it just to see Dylan and Cam rise on top in the end. together. 🤍



ps. i love how this gif is actually perfect bc Cameron is a chef LMAO.

[Saswati · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I was little, if I was afraid or hurt, my grandma would tell me to count daisies.

“Count the daisies, Dylan. Turn those bad thoughts into something beautiful. By the time you have a pretty little bunch in your hands, it will all be over.”

Gosh, what a book this was! Since 20% in, tears started flowing in so many forms: sobbing, weeping and clutching my pillow while the tears just rolled down my cheeks.

TW: very heavy portrayal of drug abuse

Life was easier when I was using. Heroin made it easier not to care, not to worry, not to wish for things I couldn’t have. It never let me down. It never gave me false hope. Its effects were reliable, and I needed that. The worst that could happen was it would kill me, and some days that idea didn’t seem so terrible.

This book is not exactly a romance like I expected it to be. Instead, it's a brutally honest depiction of what it's like to struggle with drug addiction, both for the addict as well as his loved ones.

Addicts lie, not only to others, but to themselves. I was no different. I’d used for so long I could’ve been considered a professional liar. I was good at it. So good, I believed myself.

Dylan... My heart broke for him over and over again.

I was sorry. Sorry that people like me existed. People that caused their loved ones so much pain and worry. People who loved heroin more than those who cared about them.

Cameron... Dylan's childhood best friend and lover, it was so heartbreaking to see him struggle to understand how he could help him. He's so selfless that he always, always puts Dylan first.

Caring for Dylan, for an addict, trying to comprehend what he was going through was difficult. Confusing. Exhausting. Supporting him was challenging, especially when he needed it the most.
But loving him…loving him was effortless.

This was my first book by Nikola Haken, and if this story's any indication of how emotionally exhausting her books can be, I'm going to need a LOT of fluffy books in-between reading hers.

[~✡~Dαni(ela) ♥ ♂♂ love & semicolons~✡~ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story wrecked me. Drug addiction is brutal. I've seen it turn people into thiefs and liars. It's ruthless and fierce, and leaves only ashes in its wake.

Dyl and Cam are amazing together. Theirs is a forever kind of love. I could barely watch Dylan in the throes of addiction. He tries so hard, but he's not in charge; heroin is. Cameron wants to save Dylan, but only Dylan can do that.

Haken's books pack an emotional punch. They break and heal. She writes angst, yes, but there is always sunshine at the end.

[Wendys Wycked Words · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very well written book about the struggle with drug addiction. Eventhough the subject matter was very serious, it was really good read for me.

Dylan and Cameron were the best of friends, untill they turned 14. Then, they found out, that their feelings went beyond friendship and they became even more...

Dylan has never had it real easy. His mom died in childbirth and his father died in a car accident, when he was 13 years old. This only left his grandmother who took him and cared for him. That is untill she died as well... Social Services came and took him away, from the only person he had left...Cameron.

Fast forward 16 years... Cameron has made all his childhood dreams come true. He's happy, he has good friends and he's a masterchef at his very own restaurant. Except for a cheating ex, his life is good.

Dylan hasn't been doing so good. After Social Services took him away, he was placed in a bunch of different foster homes. His life took him on a very different path. One leading to a heroine-addiction. Heroine numbs everything for Dylan... No thoughts, no pain, no feelings.



When these guys reconnect after 16 years, it soon becomes very clear that they never got over one another. The love between them is still there. Cameron really wants Dylan back in his life, even when he finds out about Dylans addiction. He feels awefull about what Dylan has been through and he wants to help and be there for him.



So he does...and Dylan accepts his help, eventhough he feels like a worthless fuck up.

Dylan tries very hard to kick his addiction, but it's so hard. He is so messed up in the head and he has such low selfsesteem... Sometimes I wanted to slap him in he face (with a chair), but then I remembered everything he has been through. Also I have never been a drug addict, so who am I to judge.... It soon becomes very obvious, that Dylan need more help than just Cameron.



This book didn't pull any punches. It pretty realistic and at times I was so angry with Dylan. Cameron was an awesome guy. He dropped everything to help Dylan, he loved him so much. He wanted to do anything to make things better for Dylan.

A very good book, that broke my heart at times, but thankfully glued it back together in the end.

Eventhough this book is quite serious, I still want to leave this review with an important, yet a bit uplifting gif ;)

[Jewel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Counting Daisies was the first book by this author I have read. It's been on my Kindle since last summer and it's been showing up in my feed again, recently, so I decided I had waited long enough. It was an intense read and I loved it.

Do heed the warning, though, because there are graphic depictions of heroin use and withdrawal, as well as a thorough tour of an addict's mind and it isn't pretty. I am glad that Nicola Haken didn't gloss over it, though, because the story would have lost some very important (to me, anyway) emotional impact.

Counting Daisies is more than a romance. It is a love story. And it is the story of Dylan coming back from the depths of hell.

Dylan Roberts and Cameron O’Neil were best friends growing up. Cameron's family had more money, but Dylan was loved and cared for and life was pretty good. Dylan and Cameron were well on their way to being more just friends and like any child, they had hopes and dreams of forever. Until Dylan's father was killed in a car accident. Until Dylan's grandmother died from a heart attack. Until Dylan was put into the foster system and was taken away from all he had known.

Dylan broke my heart. After the deaths of his father and grandmother, Dylan was angry. Angry that the people he loved kept dying. Angry that he was taken away from his best friend. Angry that he felt so powerless. What happened to Dylan could have happened to any one of us, I think, and that is what makes his story so chilling. Dylan made some bad choices, for sure, but he really didn't have the foundation he needed to see that he had worth to empower him to make better choices. And once he tried heroin, and experienced just how much that took his pain, his sorrow, and his fear away, that was that.

Cameron never forgot Dylan. Dylan was his best friend and first love and Cameron always hoped that Dylan had a good life. Cameron managed to achieve his dream of becoming a chef and now owns his own successful restaurant in London. He's done well for himself and he's worked very hard to get there. Life has been good. And sixteen years after being torn apart, Cameron finds Dylan outside his restaurant looking like he'd just been beaten up.

Cameron's and Dylan's lives could not have turned out more different. Dylan is stuck in a self destructive cycle that he doesn't know how to break. He feels shame for the things he has done to fund his addiction and though he wants Cameron in his life, Dylan is terrified of Cameron turning away once he sees what Dylan really is. And that is the crux of Dylan's issues.

Counting Daisies was an intense read, but I could not put it down. I read the whole thing in one sitting. Watching Dylan struggle with being clean, and ultimately failing was crushing. Cameron was ill equipped to help Dylan, but he tried. His friends Paul and Derek were there, too to help give Dylan a fighting chance, but in the end, it's Dylan that needed to see he could do it. And Dylan needed more help than Cameron could provide.

Fear not, though. Counting Daisies does have a -- well fought -- happy ending. Dylan does get the help he needs, but the journey there is rough, for sure. I'd definitely recommend Counting Daisies, with caution in regards to the warnings.

[Nazanin · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Daisies stars

Dylan and Cameron had been friends since primary school. They loved each other from that time. Daylan’s father was killed in a car accident and her mother died when she gave birth to him. He lived with his grandmother until she died too when he was fourteen. So he was put in the care system and they lost each other.

"I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Cameron before my entire life turned to sh!t."

Sixteen years later, they found each other again. Cameron is a chef in his own restaurant and he is successful but Dylan wasn’t the same person that Cameron knew! Dylan’s life was whoring himself and then spent that money on drugs! He became an addict! So how could Cameron help him!?!

"I was a disgusting human being, a failure, and my reflection never failed to make me feel violently sick to my stomach."

I loved this story but not as much as the other book that I read by this author ("Broken"). But this one was really good too! I enjoyed both characters, especially Cameron. My heart ached for him. It was really hard for him seeing his love is hurting, watching him recovering from the effects of drugs, watching his pain… He was really desperate to help Dylan but he didn’t know how or should I say he knew but he didn’t want to accept it! He was really scared and I feel that! His character was close to reality and I liked that! Besides MCs, I enjoyed the secondary characters and I would love to read Paul and Derek’s story/stories!

Told in dual POV, 1st person. It’s the first installment in the "The Counting" series but it can be read as a stand-alone. The writing was really good and the characters were perfect! I really liked this and hope you enjoy it as well!

[drew · Rating 3 out of 5]

i’m just very… underwhelmed by this book. i definitely built this up in my head to be something that i would really love and, unfortunately, it didn’t exactly live up to my own expectations.

i guess my biggest issue is just the writing in general. i found it very dry and not very engaging most of the time?? the story also felt very plot-driven to me rather than character-driven. like the author had these bullet points of plot they wanted to tell and sometimes things just felt forced to fit the idea of the story, so it all ended up feeling a bit hollow and contrived to me.

i also found the characters were all a bit flat, so i had trouble really caring when the awful things would happen in the story. like Cameron, for example…. outside of loving Dylan and running a restaurant, what else did we know about him really?? i can’t think of one other bit of depth or any kind of quirk to his character, really. oh, wait, there was the ex-fiancé who only existed to act as the catalyst for Dylan’s relapse 🙄 the character literally served no other purpose in the story other than to cause a bit of drama that pushed Dylan back to heroin.

there were bits of gold here, though. like the part where Dylan was thinking about how he resented Cam’s idyllic childhood and family…. i was like, “yes! finally something interesting!”. only for it to be mentioned once and then never brought up again lmao.

as for the romance? it was all very tell, not show. we learn Cam and Dylan had this incredible bond and loved each other even as young teens, but we don’t actually get to see very much of that, unfortunately. even when they find each other again as adults, they’re basically just instantly in love. without getting to see them falling in love as teens, i just wasn’t sold on their relationship very much.

i don’t think this was an awful book, by any means - i was actually quite invested to see where they would end up by the end of the story - but it just didn’t quite come together for me in the way i hoped it would. three stars.

[Sabrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m emotionally drained after this read.
I didn’t think that this book would break and heal my heart all at once.

“That ended today. No more fear. No more uncertainty. Just strength. Honesty.
Love.”

4.5/5 ★

Sometimes we forget that life is worth living and perhaps all you need is someone from your past to remember you of that.
And that we are the only person who can truly save ourselves.
Sometimes you’ll need help and that’s okay, but in the end is your own choice to want to be happy and live that is going to save you.
And that’s exactly what this book shows.

I like how they show that addiction can be solved, is a long hard process and is a fight you will have for the rest of your life, but in the end, the result is worth it.

I loved that we get to see two POV, Dylan who is addicted and Cameron who is trying to help Dylan overcome his addiction.
Is very clear to see that is not only the person who is addicted or the person who has to handle/help the person who is addicted that suffer but both, for different reasons.

I thought that the whole concept of the addiction was handled quite well, it wasn’t something that it was overcome overnight.
We see the process that it took both characters to achieve that.
Dylan who asked for help and decided that he wanted to live; And Cameron who was there to help and support Dylan in any way he needed.

So that being said, you can guess that this book is heartbreaking filed with angst, pain, regrets, mistakes, fears, uncertainties, love, happiness and strength.

Overall this was a beautiful story of the strength that it takes to overcome your fears and addiction blend in with an amazing romance with good writing.

[Kaje Harper · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Dylan and Cam grew up together, came out to each other, fell a little in love too young to do much about it, shared hopes and dreams. But Dylan's mum died at his birth, his father before he was into his teens, and his grandmother when he was fourteen. Suddenly he had no family left, and everything changed.

From Cam's point of view, his best friend and boyhood crush vanished into the foster care system, unfindable, unreachable, as Cam went on with his life and his own warm family and his dreams of becoming a chef. From Dylan's point of view, he lost everything that mattered, suddenly shunted from home to home, clinging only to his father's old guitar and a couple of photographs. Whatever dreams he once had were drowned in the necessities of living another day.

Now many years later Cam is living his dream. He has his restaurant, he has great friends and employees, and although his boyfriend turned out to be a cheating bastard, he's pretty happy with his life. Until the day he finds Dylan waiting outside the door of his restaurant, alone and in need of... well, a place to stay, a job, and everything. What he doesn't figure out right away, despite his friend Paul's warnings, is that Dylan is a heroin addict. And whoever, whatever, an addict was in a past life, the drug now comes first for them, before old loyalties or honesty or health or life itself.

Dylan has almost hit bottom. He tried to do better, after aging out of foster care. He started working with a friend, had a small place of his own. But failure and loss dogged him, and one day the seductive beauty of forgetting, of not caring for just a moment, hooked him on the needle in his arm. Now he turns tricks for the money to score his next high, spiraling down.

In a last ditch effort to turn it around, he seeks out his childhood friend. But even his feelings for Cam, and his need for Cam's respect, aren't as strong as his need for the drug. He tries to keep those two things separate - to let himself have Cam's friendship and a job and a place to stay, and hold his habit away from that life, in dark hidden corners. But heroin isn't something that is content to be a little hobby on the side. He's wrecking the one chance he has at love and life. Somehow, things have to change.

This book is a very well-done look at addiction and a troubled past. There are no easy answers, no healing with the power of love. I really appreciated some of those deliberately-realistic aspects, the clear understanding that for the rest of his life Dylan will be an addict. Recovering, hopefully, but never "cured". I liked the vivid reminder that loving someone who is an addict isn't easy, and that there's a line between supporting and enabling that's hard to see from the inside. I didn't fall in love with these two guys as much as my very favorites of the characters I read, but I did care about them, wanted the best for them, and was invested in their hard-won successes and painful failures.

The secondary characters were also well done, and since this book lists as a book #1, I'm hoping we'll see a story for a couple of them, down the road. I will definitely pick up the sequel, whomever it features.

[Elsa Bravante · Rating 5 out of 5]

No puedo darle menos de cinco estrellas a un libro que me ha tenido con el corazón en un puño y la lagrima asomando, o directamente cayendo, desde la primera página hasta la última.

Cam y Dylan se conocen desde niños, se enamoran y por circunstancias deben separar sus caminos. Cuando se vuelven a encontrar Dylan tiene serios problemas de adicción mientras que Cameron está en ese lugar en la vida en el que siempre quiso estar. No vemos cómo se enamoran dos personas, ni siquiera creo que sea una historia de segundas oportunidades, es la historia de dos personas que ya se aman y que ven cómo a veces eso no es suficiente para construir una vida juntos felices. La adicción de Dylan no solo le hace infeliz a él, profundamente infeliz y desesperado, también a todos los que le rodean. La autora hace un magnífico trabajo haciéndonos sentir todo lo que sus personajes sienten en ese momento, la química entre ellos es enorme, su amor es prácticamente tangible, pero también lo es cómo domina la adicción a Dylan y cómo tiene que luchar desesperadamente Cam contra la idea de abandonar todo por la dificultad de amar a alguien que lucha contra esos problemas.

Todo el libro es un viaje a través de muchas emociones, todas las que sienten los personajes, las mayores han sido la tristeza, el amor, el miedo y la esperanza. No soy una experta en adicciones y sería muy osado por mi parte juzgar si la autora ha sabido reflejar bien lo que sufre Dylan y lo que sufre la gente alrededor que le quiere. Pero, he sentido mucha tristeza, desesperación, vulnerabilidad, y mucho mucho miedo, por lo que me inclino a pensar que sí, que Nicola lo ha sabido plasmar bien, es un libro de romance y al fin y al cabo está el punto de que no todo el mundo tiene a alguien detrás como Cameron como motivación, pero el dolor de Dylan está ahí durante todas las páginas. El viaje de Dylan hacia su curación es muy complicado, no hay una receta mágica, ni siquiera Cameron lo es y es difícil asimilar eso para los dos. Tampoco es fácil para Cameron ser el copiloto de ese viaje, ver sufrir así a alguien que quieres y saber que no es suficiente que tu le ayudes.

Me ha gustado muchísimo el desarrollo de los personajes, los dos POV tan completos en lo relativo a sus sentimientos, el que no sean perfectos ninguno de los dos, la forma de escribir tan cruda y tan directa de la autora no solo para contarte las partes difíciles, también para mostrarte cómo se quieren. Y, por último, pero no menos importante, no me gustaría olvidar los personajes secundarios, bien construidos y maravillosos.

Tendrá sus faltas, sin duda, pero me ha parecido un libro difícil, pero muy hermoso.

[Ariana (mostly offline) · Rating 5 out of 5]

*5 sparkly stars*

Darn. Nicola Haken did it again. She turned me inside-out, and yes, I’ll admit it, into a sobbing mess for the latter part of the book. And this is NOT because that part is so sad, but because it made me so blooming happy.

This is by no means an easy book to read because Nicola Haken deals with a very difficult subject here. Dylan is a drug addict, you see.

Please be sure you know - there's no sugar coating about what’s going on, no magical cures. We get to see addiction at its worst. I don’t think I will ever forget the withdrawal sequence. We get to see what it does to Dylan, how heroin twists his mind, how it brings him to his knees and lets him slide into a life where all self-respect is lost. Dylan is overwhelmed by his loneliness and consumed by the deepest self-loathing and disgust.

Miss Haken’s writing is intense and utterly breath-taking. She allows us to experience the whole range of desperation and anguish Dylan is going through. And I can tell that I FELT! So much, it was painful at times. That lady certainly knows how to make her characters real and ocean deep!

Then Dylan comes across Cameron again after 16 years. They used to be friends, soul-mates, on the cusp of falling in love, when they were parted at the age of fourteen. While Cameron has made his dreams come true, Dylan is on full course to self- destruct.

The thing is – that love is still there. Buried deep in both of them. But how could it ever blossom now? Cameron is successful, a renowned chef with a restaurant of his own and a good man. How can Dylan even dare to think about it when he knows this:

“My love destroyed people. It pushed them away. Whenever I loved someone they fucking died on me. "

"Everybody leaves. They left or they died. Either way, I was alone."

"Everybody leaves. Heroin doesn’t”

Right, and then Cameron flies in as the superhero whose love enables Dylan to get his act together, and they live happily ever after? NOPE. Totally wrong. What happens next is so much more realistic, it really blew me away.

Cameron is a lovely man, good at heart, and oh so human. And that's exactly the problem. He has no idea how addiction works and how to deal with an addict, and so he just does what most of us would do – he tries to help Dylan, but in a way that’s maybe not the best thing. And of course things go wrong – despite the growing attraction between them. The realization that love and kindness alone are not enough to get Dylan off drugs is a sobering one for Cameron. I loved that we saw his vulnerability, his powerlessness, too.

And this is where Paul comes in. I love that guy. So much. He is Cameron’s rock. His common sense and honesty, his reliability make him the best friend and one of the most lovable secondary characters ever! (And Derek is similarly amazing. I do hope we will get a book about these two guys. There were certainly plenty of hints! And their little ‘battles’ provided some light relief!)

So, to make this perfectly clear, this book is not all ‘gloom and doom’. It’s simply totally, utterly honest and realistic. And yes, there is hope, and there is a strong HEA, even if we realize that Dylan’s addiction will never go away completely.

Blooming amazing in every way.

Highly recommended!

[Jaime · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Count the daisies, Dylan. Turn those bad thoughts into something beautiful. By the time you have a pretty little bunch in your hands, it will all be over.”

When I went into this book, I really should have known Nicola Haken would have be bawling within the first 10% of the book, it is a gift of hers and I know she will never let me down! Alas, I wasn't prepared, and she ripped my heart out - let me tell you it took me weeks to write this review. I feel like nothing I say will do the book, the characters, the amazing story - any justice. However, I also feel a need to let everyone know that this book is one that will stay with you for life.

“A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading.” –William Styron

Counting Daisies is an amazingly great book and it really left me with a book hangover of epic proportions, I was left reeling with Cam & Dylan’s story-- and after I finally was able to think clearly - we get back to the, what can I possibly say other than “Wow!”

Dylan - he really has had a hard life and with no one to turn to he found other ways to make money and cope, surviving isn't a term I would use to describe him as he really isn't- he is existing, barely.

“I was an addict; a fucked-up, selfish and pointless excuse of a man. But in that moment it was worth it. The world wasn’t a scary place anymore. I wasn’t alone. Right this second life, and heroin, was beautiful.”


Cameron “Cam” has lived a much more fabulous life since that fateful day when he lost his best friend - he has achieved his goals, all except finding someone to love and spend his life with. His heart has always belonged to Dylan, if only he knew what happened to Dylan.


When these two are reunited, it is not roses and happiness. Dylan is broken. Cam wants to fix him. Then add in drugs and secrets and you have the makings of heartache and sadness, not to
mention the possibility of more. Yet, despite the urging of one of his best friends Cam doesn't and won't walk away from Dylan, not even if Dylan tries to take his choice away and runs.


Watching these two find each other, learn about each other, learn to trust each other, fall in love again, - trying to not allow the drugs and sex ruin their chances of happiness, was heart wrenching. I felt like I was spying on hidden moments privy only for those involved, Nicola Haken was able to vividly bring this story together so you felt like you were in the story.


I would recommend this story to all, 5+ Stars - please be aware of trigger subjects.





Review Copy of Counting Daisies provided by the Author, Nicola Haken for an honest Review.

 

❥❥**´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•`*ARC provided by Author in exchange for an honest review.
Reviewed by Jaime from Alpha Book Club

[Dia · Rating 5 out of 5]

4,5 stars

This was one of the most soul wrecking stories I have ever read. But the writing was great and the ending was full of hope. This author does a great job in describing broken characters.

Full review to come.

[♡ cal ♡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

"But what do we do when we're scared?"
"Count daisies," he whispered.

well.... this is one of the heaviest reads so far for me this year. and i loved every part of it.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a beautiful story of friendship, loyalty and love. Dylan was taken away from all he had known in his life after his grandmother died when he was 14. Despite the loss of his family - the greatest loss was of his best friend Cam. As Dylan moved through the system and was then spat out with nothing to aspire to, he found drugs and prostitution as his only way forward. At an all time low, 16 years later, Dylan finds Cam and their lives are forever changed. They are still the boys who loved each other fiercely, but now they faced demons standing in their way. With the strength and love from Paul & Derek, Cam was able to help Dylan battle his addiction and emotions in the best way. Theirs was a challenging and painful journey, but their love made it all worth it.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the third book I've read by Nicola Haken, and every time she manage to surprise me and make me cry. She tends to touch on some very sensitive subject and seems to really know what she is writing about. I assume she did her research extensively because her knowledge into the subject matters are really detailed. So far, I've read about her story on HIV, mental illness and now drug addiction. I wonder what will come next.

In Counting Daisies, we have a story about two teenage best friend, Dylan and Cameron. When Dylan's last surviving family died, he entered the system and they lost contact with each other until 15 years later. Things are never the same again for these two as Cameron is now a successful chef and restaurant owner, while Dylan is basically a homeless junkie.

I don't think is a spoiler to reveal that Dylan is a junkie since the blurb did warn about scene on IV drug use. The entirety of the story basically revolves around Dylan and his drug addiction and how he goes about the road towards recovery with the help from Cameron and his new friends. Reading about Dylan's struggle in day to day life and how his addict mind works make me realize how we are so ignorant about the issue.

When Cameron and Dylan reunited, and subsequently Dylan's problem came to light, Cameron was being really supportive despite all the heartache and uncertainty. Their love for each other was never in question, but will Cameron able to cope with such pressure for loving a recovery addict?

Nicola gave us a very raw, harsh and realistic story for Dylan and Cameron that is certainly not glorifying substance abuse. But I does make me think twice before judging and condemning people for fall victim to it.

Apart from all the heavy and emotional moments, the story does have its lighter moments as well. I like the camaraderie between Cameron and his co-worker, Paul and Derek. All the cooking taking place also just make me hungry while reading. I also like the fact that Dylan had such a positive and supportive people surrounding him. I can honestly said that I'm a little bit in love with Paul and Derek, especially Paul. I quite positive there will be a book for him soon.

Overall, Counting Daisies is yet another emotional read that pack a solid punch by Nicola Haken.

[.Lili. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Counting Daisies by Nicola Haken is a beautiful second chance romance of two best friends. After unfortunate circumstances, Dylan was taken away by Social Services at the age of 14. His life which had never been easy became even harder. Cameron never forgot his best friend and was happy when they reconnected 16 years later.

Although not an easy story to read due to Dylan's drug addiction it gave a realistic portrayal of what battling addiction is like and also what it's like loving an addict. This book will frustrate you, break your heart, and heal it back together. I became emotionally invested in the story and its characters. A true story of perseverance and self-strength. It was exceptionally written. HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT. 5 Stars.

[I~❤️~Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

*****I LOVED!*****

[⭐️AMST⭐️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️ 5+ Stars ⭐️

I’m gonna keep it short ‘cause if not I’ll probably pour all the things I have to say about what this story did to me and I don’t think my poor little heart will survive.
It was heartbreaking, devastating and absolutely beautiful story. Very painful journey with the most well earned HEA you can get.
My heart was aching.
I probably cried 95% of the time. The other 5% I was smiling like a crazy person.
I fucking LOVED it. ♥️

[Elsbeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review to come

[Mirjam · Rating 4 out of 5]

If the addict in your life is pleased with your help, you’re probably enabling. If they’re annoyed, you’re probably helping the person you love more than they want to realise.



After reading Broken I very much wanted to read this one and was absolutely not
disappointed. Nicola Haken is fast becoming one of my favourite authors. She starts with describing loveable characters, destroys them and than slowly and realistically builds them back together.

Best buddies since childhood, Cameron & Dylan felt they were destined for each other. When life happens they are separated and Cameron goes ahead fulfilling his dream of becoming a award winning chef and owning a Michelin star restaurant. He has great friends and warm loving parents.



As life throws Dylan one punch after the other, he spirals down fast and finds heroin to forget his hard life.
When Cam & Dyl meet again after sixteen years they realise how much they have missed each other. Cameron vows to help Dyland heal while Dylan is convince that he is not worthed to be saved.
With the help of Cameron's friends they embark on a hard and long journey.



I was still an addict, of course. I was still a liar and a thief, a cheap rent-boy whose only true love was heroin. But…I was starting to believe that wasn’t all I was.



I felt the warmth from the needle travel through every inch of my body. It was magical. As my breathing slowed, so did my mind. Every ounce of pain, every conscious thought, disintegrated until all that remained was a hollow, blissful shell. These were the moments I lived for, the only times my heart didn’t hurt and my body didn’t ache. I was an addict; a fucked-up, selfish and pointless excuse of a man.




Caring for Dylan, for an addict, trying to comprehend what he was going through was difficult. Confusing. Exhausting. Supporting him was challenging, especially when he needed it the most.
But loving him…loving him was effortless.


I read this book in one sitting, it is a sad and realistic story. Do not read it if you are looking for a "cloud nine and pink roses" story. It almost seemed as if she was writing from a close experience
No, pink bows, no candies, nothing! Just the plain raw truth!

I just loved Paul & Derek and am very much looking forward to book 2. I am also wondering how NH will be portraying them!

Why counting daisies? Read the book!!

BuddyRead with Lisa, Aya & Thea for the The Erogenous Zone

[Papie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reread December 2025
Still just as ugly, painful and incredibly beautiful.

Reread March 2024
Beautiful. Soul wrenching. Heart aching.

Initial review - February 2020
This booked owned me. Such a beautiful emotional wrecking story. My heart ached for Dylan and everything he has been through. I loved Cameron, he was such a beautiful person, he was not afraid of all the ugliness that Dylan’s addiction was bringing in his life, he just wanted to be there and help him. I loved Paul and Derek too. I would have loved to see more of Cameron’s mom.

[Fabi NEEDS Email Notifications · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the story of life gone wrong for one young boy.

By the time he is fourteen years old, Dylan has lost his entire family. One by one, they're all gone and he's left alone. Finally torn away from even his one true friend, he is shuffled into the care system.

A long sixteen years go by before the two friends reconnect again. Cameron has made his dreams come true and is living the life of a successful chef. Dylan, however, has lost himself. He has escaped the pain of loss and life's hard hits by abusing an opiate drug that quickly dug it's tentacles into him.

This is the story of a lost young boy who grew to be a dangerously lost man. It is also the story of friendship and love so strong that it serves as a support structure for a shattered life. Meet Cameron and Dylan. They'll break your heart, but ultimately their strength and dedication will make you proud.

This is the second book I've read by Nicola Hasken. Both stories are powerful and emotional. But best of all, both stories show the impact that one person's love can have on another person's life.

I highly recommend this book and this author.

4.5 stars!!!

[Amina · Rating 3 out of 5]

✰ 3.5 stars ✰

​ “Life was hard. Caring for Dylan, for an addict, trying to comprehend what he was going through was difficult.

Confusing. Exhausting. Supporting him was challenging, especially when he needed it the most.

But loving him…loving him was effortless.​”

It is true what they say - you never really get over your first love; since they were fourteen years old, Cam and Dylan just knew in their hearts that what they felt for each other was real - that it was a true love​ of best friends. But, ​life takes the unprepared road and sixteen years​ ​go by where they're ke​pt apart from each other​; and out of those ten, they both experience very different lives - one on the path to​ higher success, one on the road to ​self-destruction. It's only one fateful meeting that has their paths cross ​each other, and one which will decide whether or not they can make the next sixteen years - if not, next sixteen weeks together - count.

​“Dylan…” Raising his gaze to stare into my eyes, he reached out and took my hand. The simple touch felt so alien to me, so intimate, and all I could do was glare at his fingers.
​
“I don’t know what you’ve been through,” he added. “What you’re going through, but I’m here. Try and remember what we had. Try and remember a time when I was your best friend. I can be that again if you let me.”

In a relationship where one is so driven by his fierce need for that hit - that escape that a drug like heroin can only grant, who suffers more - the junkie, the addict, looking desperately for his next fix; or the one who is watching the one he loves crumble and fall apart. ​🥺 Lying to himself hopefully shows that things are looking better for them, when in fact, they're still still breaking up inside and he's powerless to help him.​ That is the definition of Dylan and Cameron's reunion and the trajectory their love takes as they each try to find ways to battle the addiction that threatens to consume Dylan​ completely.

​“The second you become hooked on your substance of choice, you’re left with only three ways to describe yourself.

Using.
Recovering.
Dead.

There is no in-between.​”

Dylan's life has not been without pain - not without loss - not without helplessness and loneliness. The aching feeling in his heart that everyone he loves will eventually leave him - in life or in death, has led him to find escapes that are as unhealthy as the areas in which he finds them - selling his body out for money to purchase drugs that will only alleviate his pain for a short period of time, but is enough to get him through to the next day. ​' Life becomes a constant battle. The​ moment you let the shit take hold of you it never lets go. You’ve signed up​ to a never-ending war without even realising it.​' 😞😞 But, meeting Cam again - reaching out to him for help at his most desperate of moments is in itself, an intervention; seeing the life that he has - the happiness that he could achieve - serves as almost a push for Dylan to find a way out. It takes time, yes, but the emotions racing in his head and his heart reach out to you to see how tormented he is by his addiction.

And getting over that addiction - it doesn't happen overnight. It's just not possible; and no matter how determined Cam may be in his love or affection, it's not enough to save him completely. And that I think was portrayed well. It is rough waters being in Dylan's mind; the author does not shy away in showing how conflicted and tortured he is in being uncertain of his own worth and value for Cam, and whether or not he can survive it. 😥​ 'Count the daisies, Dylan. Turn those bad thoughts into something​ beautiful.​' I'm no​t ab expert on substance abuse or mental health, but reading just the words alone weighed heavily on me; you may think it's too tedious or repetitive​, and at times, even exhaustive, having to channel those same emotions in your mind again again, but it's not​ wrong, at all. 😔

It's​ very very real, very very valid, and sadly very very painfully true; you can't just defeat it with a snap of a finger - it's just not possible to get off that dark and lonely path you feel so comfortable on. ​'But by the time you realise you’re entering​ dangerous territory it’s too late. Heroin owns you, and you’d do anything,​ anything, to have it just one more time.​' 😟 The line between right and wrong blurs so many times that Dylan didn't know what he was doing - couldn't comprehend if his own emotions were valid or not. He was a victim of past haunts and shames that made him a danger to himself, which made Cam realize that he 'was damaged, not just physically, but psychologically.' And when you need help - you need the right kind of help that will help you understand that you need help and you can receive it, too. A​nd as much as the story's focus is on Dylan fighting his inner demons, it's also the love that Cam sheds that gives him the inner strength to overcome it.​ 🥹

​“​I love you. I care. I am here for you.​ You’re going to get through this. We’re going to get through this together.”

“Cameron…”

“I’m your friend,” I sai​d, stopping him from interrupting. “I’m your​ friend and I love you. You don’t disgust me. You haven’t disappointed me.​

When I think about what you’ve been through, the way you’ve been living,​ it terrifies me…but it doesn’t make me regret knowing you. It makes me​ want to hold you, help you. It makes me want to love you even fucking​ harder.”

“I’ll always be an addict, Cam. You can’t fix me.”

“I don’t want to fix you. I want to be your friend. Will you let me do​ that?​​”


​
Oh Cam - such a sweet caring and innocent soul, whose perception on life and his best friend was broken, but never wavered. Never wavered because of how much he never forgot or abandoned the love he always had for Dylan; battered or bruised, weakened and broken, he loved him - with all his heart. 🤍🤍 It is his strength and courage and what enables him to be there for Dylan - at his absolute worst and at his mercy. He carried his own burden - the burden of not being enough of a help - a way out for Dylan. I thought about Dylan, how he’d changed, wondering what he’d been through, whether he’d been happy…​ But most of all I thought about how much I still loved him.​ How ridiculous.​' 🥺🥺 He wanted to believe so much that he could be enough, that he was equipped and prepared to handle Dylan's erratic behavior and mood string, but he couldn't; he's only human. He's only the man who would always love him, no matter what; and in this case, it was enough.

It really was, and those few moments that the author captured of the tenderness of his feelings of not only feeling helpless, but hopeless in knowing what was plaguing Dylan's heart and mind was heart-breaking. When he learned about Dylan's past, when he sensed his fear, when he soothed his breakdown, when he witnessed his meltdown - God, he kept trying. 🥺😟 'He was going to beat this. I’d get him, the real him, the boy that I loved and the man I would always love, back. I had to. I didn’t know how to live without him anymore.'​ He never stopped caring, never abandoned him, never saw him as a weakness - only that he knew in his heart that he had to find a way to help him - to not let Dylan ever have the moment of Counting Daisies with him, or anyone else, ever again.

He was doing his best to be strong - not to abandon the person who just appeared so unexpectedly in his life again, to not let him disappear from him and not give up on him. It's a deeper kind of true love not built on passion or sex. 🫂 Being physically intimate with someone has a dark mark on Dylan's heart - a feeling he has abused by using it to get what he needs - Cam will do anything to protect him from ever being in a position of weakness or vulnerability - to let him be enveloped in the feeling of an intimate embrace without the guise of desperation or need. That reaction when he saw how far gone Dylan had reached - broke him and gutted me, too. And when they're finally able to regain that trust and self-worth - that part of himself he had given away so easily and that innocence lost - it was done at the healthiest and heartiest of moments - a step they both take forward together in a beautiful way. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

​“I never forgot about you. I tried. I tried because it hurt. But in here…” Setting aside his guitar, he took my hand and held it to his chest, his heart thumping against my fingers. “In here you never left.”

​The book ends on a hopeful note, and rightfully so; that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and with the right assistance and guidance, one can reach it. The path of recovery takes time and Dylan will reach it at his own pace; and just believing and knowing that there is still happiness that can be found from the pain - that it's not all dark and dismal, is it's own reward. 🥹 It's not a cute sweet romance, but one that shows how addiction not only affects those who are experiencing it, but the ones who are living with them, too. It's very light on the spice, but so heavy on the heart; and that's okay. 'I’d loved Dylan Roberts for as​ long as I could remember. He’d been my best friend, my everything, since​ we were kids, and he always would be.' The writing may have​ lacked in certain areas, and towards the end, the passing of time in a less than detailed format was a bit unsettling, but it didn't take away from the heart of their relationship.​ 🤧

My heart hurt for both of them; I was only a silent witness to their pain, but I could see how much they were both hurting - they were hurting and they were helpless to do anything against that hurt. 😢💔​ The range of emotions they were both coping with was visceral and heart-wrenching; powerlessness would make you feel that way. It's only their own conviction and love for each other and fierce willingness to face those challenges is what made their future survive - a testament to what they were able to achieve by hurting one another. I'm sorry that my reviews always feel like I'm writing a thesis on the story! 😅 But, examining their relationship in words helps me not only feel it, but also help explain my feelings is by validating and analyzing their feelings and struggles.​ ​😣

“We’re gonna make it, right?” Dylan said, laying his forehead on mine.

“We already have,” I spoke against his lips. “I love you, Dyl. Always have, always will.”

“We’re Cam and Dyl. Just like we were meant to be.”

You really have to stop and smell the roses - or in this case, daisies, and see how much life is a gift that should be treasured. That every day living is a gift to yourself that you are someone's choice of happiness - a source of comfort, a moment for a memory. Even when it seems like all is lost, 'we have to keep going, keep trying. If we fall, we have to get back up.' And sometimes love isn't a journey; it's a destination. And Dylan choosing to live life with all that he has, that he has the courage to face it and fight for it was made possible by reuniting with Cam. It may have been his battle alone, but knowing that there was someone in the ring with him - made it worth it. 💟💟

On a side note, it is a shame the author did not continue the series. There was a lot of potential to Paul and Derek's dynamic. They were positive supporting characters with compelling personal​ities and I would have like to have seen how it would have played out.

[sanju (on and off) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve decided that I love this author.
I don’t know how some people do it. They just have the knack for it and create something as magical and raw as Counting Daisies. That’s Nicola Haken, for you.

I shed heartfelt tears. 10% into Dylan’s life and the way the poor guy had to sell himself and his soul away to survive was so cruel. He could have been fine. He could have had a normal childhood, and grown up into a wonderful man, had he had a family. The lost potential, and the self-loathing he builds up every day, that shit hurts.

Their individual lives were portrayed perfectly. Like, they had their own lives going, even after their first encounter. It wasn’t the usual, “I-spend-every-waking-moment-thinking-about-you-after-you-left-like-that-again” shit. I liked that originality.

I loved the chapters where they cooked together, and had fun.
“I always wondered why chefs said ‘pan-fried’. What else would you fry shit in other than a fucking pan?”
I KNOW, he actually said that!😂

This is just gonna be a collection of every quote that hit something hard in my head and heart. It broke my heart.
“I was destined to be alone. No point in deluding myself, delaying the inevitable.”

“Everything about him seemed sad. He looked so fragile, so lost. It made my chest ache."

“I’d let myself pretend it could be another way for too long, but all I’d done was postpone the unavoidable. Eventually, Cameron would leave too, just like everybody else."

“A part of me hated him. Hated him for doing this to himself. Hated him for changing who I was. There was no way I’d ever be the same man after this.”

“All I knew is that I didn’t have a choice. I had to hope this was worth it, that he’d be okay, that I’d be okay. “

There. I pretty much laid out the story for y’all. Can’t help it, sorry. It pained me so bad, and I can’t fathom multiplying that pain and bearing that much, like Dylan did. Hell, that would have been hell.

“My love destroyed people. It pushed them away. Whenever I loved someone they fucking died on me. I shouldn’t have said it. Even if I meant it, Cameron didn’t deserve my love. He deserved so much more.”

I begged him and the book, at this point to not do that to himself. He did not deserve to go through all that shit either, but he was too busy antagonising himself to see what happened to him was not fair to himself.

“I’m poison. Everybody leaves. They leave or they die.” “I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.” “You will. Eventually…you will.”

What fucking hurt and tore through me was that though deep down he was a good person, he believed himself to be lowly scum, not worth anything at all. He was traumatised, sixteen years alone, no one to hold his hand and tell him that everything would be alright. It scares me, to think just what he would have done and where he would’ve ended up…

He was surrounded by really great people, after Cameron. Paul and Derek were a comedic pair, they cheered up everyone around them, I’m so thankful for them, the book would’ve been too depressing to handle had it not been for them to lift up spirits. I kinda want their story too. Dylan was so set on the idea of them together.

“If these guys don’t end up together, I’ll eat my own dick.”

So yeah, went off track there, sorry. Yeah, Dylan was too deep into his ocean of pain to see what was right in front of his eyes, his friends, Cam’s parents, all the people who loved him. Real.
“Goddammit, Dylan. He had no idea how many people cared about him.”

The part where he receives therapy, in rehab, had been an eye-opener for both him and Cam.
“I don’t want that. I don’t want to die without memories. The point, Dylan, is life.”

“You’re not the monster you think you are, Dyl. People care about you more than you realise.”

“I was the only soldier in this war, and the things I’d learned were my weapons. I could win this fight. I would win this fight."
“If I had bad thoughts, I’d share them, take away their power, crush the fuckers before they crushed me.”

“For several minutes we just…stood. Holding each other, we breathed. We felt. We loved.”

“We’re Cam and Dyl. Just like we were meant to be.”

THE END. I’m so relieved they got their happy ending. A five star read, magnificent book. Going straight to my favorites shelf.

[True Loveislovereview · Rating 5 out of 5]

5++ That is what I call a convincing drug addict story with all its ugliness. Oke it's a story and it works out good. In real life there are plenty who don't make it... but also who does make it.
And luckily this story is about that last. Dylan, my God Dylan with all his beautiful and different sides he is absolutely not heroine he is so much more. My heart hurts for him.
And Cameron, o my, he is a God send, a saint.
And then there is Paul, hooray for Paul, he is thorough, he records everything in a very clear view. I trusted his opinion fully. Cameron actions were from the heart and that was sometimes not in Dylan's benefit. Paul on the other hand oversees it all.
Strong judgements and clear vision. And Derek, I love him.

Further in the story you will see which position everyone takes in and what part of the problem or solution they have. So well thought out. This needs an applause. It was very strong thought out. First they were not on the same level But finally they were equivalent

Amazing read. The recovery...the struggle.....The hurt.... All the feelings... The insight....The tools.. All the dialogue, the reflections they made so much sense...
And I thank God on my knees...it all comes around.

"That fucker had taken everything away from me, stolen my power, and I was taking it back."

One standing ovation for Dylan he is the real hero. He made the aim and accomplished it.

[MaDoReader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Este me ha gustado mucho, pero no sé porqué, no me ha encantado, y no tiene nada que ver con el libro: los personajes están muy bien retratados, las situaciones no son WTF constantes (dado el tema drogas podrían haber sido unos cuantos), hay sentimientos, hay crecimiento, hay miseria y dolor y todo eso está muy bien hecho y el estilo de escritura es directo sin florituras, ingredientes interesantes, ¿verdad? Pienso leer más de la autora, sin duda, a ver si en alguna otra de sus historias engancho.

Cam y Dylan son estupendos, creo que eres capaz de identificarte con ellos de una u otra manera, son una pareja bonita y trabajada, pero para mí son los secundarios los que han brillado, maravillosos Paul y Derek, deseando estoy de que Haken saque la continuación porque necesito ver a esos 2 junticos 4evahhhhhh

[Jan · Rating 3 out of 5]

***2.5 Stars***

[Tjarde · Rating 5 out of 5]

5+

Each one of those 376 pages has gotten deep under my skin. Besides Broken - also from Nicola Haken - this was my favorite read of 2016 so far! Highly recommended!