Eightysomethings: A Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness

by Katharine Esty

This invaluable guide will help the historical number of eightysomethings live fulfilled, happy lives long into their twilight years.

Old age is not what it used to be. For the first time ever, most people in the United States are living into their eighties. The first guide of its kind, Eightysomethings changes our understanding of old age with an upbeat and emotionally savvy view of the uncharted territory of the last stage of life. With insight and humor, Dr. Katharine Esty describes the series of dramatic and difficult transitions that eightysomethings usually experience and how, despite their losses, they so often find themselves unexpectedly happy.

Living into one’s eighties doesn’t have to mean declining health and loneliness: Dr. Esty shows readers how to embrace—and thrive during—the later stages of life. Based on her more than 120 interviews around the country, Esty explores the lives of ordinary eightysomethings—their attitudes, activities, secrets, worries, purposes, and joys. Their stories illustrate how real people in their eighties are living and how they make sense of their lives. Esty adds her wisdom and perspective to this multi-dimensional look at being old as a social psychologist, a practicing psychotherapist, and as an eighty-four-year-old widow living in a retirement community.

Eightysomethings is a must-read for people in their eighties, and also for their families. Adult children—often bewildered by their aging parents—need a wise guide like Eightysomethings to help them navigate their parents’ last stage of life with real-world guidelines and conversation starters. Readers, young and old alike, will find this first-of-its-kind book eye-opening, comforting, and filled with practical tips.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology

240 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 10, 2019

About the author

Katharine Esty, PhD, is a social psychologist, a practicing psychotherapist, and an activist for aging well. For more than twenty years, she was a managing partner at Ibis Consulting Group, a strategic planning and diversity firm. Her clients were Fortune 500 companies, universities, and UN agencies. As a therapist for thirty years, she has counseled hundreds of clients, helping them deal effectively with change in their lives.

Her latest self-help book is EIGHTYSOMETHINGS, A Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness. She also co-authored Workplace Diversity: A Manager’s Guide to Solving Problems and Turning Diversity into a Competitive Advantage, 1995, Adams Media, a self-help book that has been widely acclaimed. Her other published nonfiction books are The Gypsies: Wanderers in Time, 1969, Meredith Press and Twenty-Seven Dollars and a Dream – How Muhammad Yunus Changed the World and What It Cost Him, 2013, Emerson Books.

The mother of four sons, a grandmother, and now a widow, she is focused on creating a new understanding of possibilities for living into old age. Dr. Esty, eighty-six, lives in a retirement community outside of Boston.

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are almost ten million eightysomethings living in the USA today. Wow! Did you know that??? I didn’t.

This book was very informative and at the end of each chapter there are “conversation starters” and “tips for families.” I learned a lot. It was written well and I found it very insightful.
It opened my eyes to a lot of things I hadn’t thought about. Such as:
*the negative stereotypes about the eightysomethings.
*Eightysomethings are still grandparents that are caregivers, confidantes, advocates and family anchors.
*they face many transitions.
*sex and the eightysomethings.
*often limited resources.

Although many might find this a little upsetting, I quite enjoyed it. The author interviewed many and I found the interviews insightful and sometimes fun.

I recommend this to all age groups that want to more about the aging. Remember, we’re all headed there.

Thanks to the publisher via Netgalley for this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this title because my mother is in her 80's and I thought she would like reading it. I enjoyed it myself. The chapters are exactly what they say they will be and cover a wide array of topics. The b0ok is helpful too the 80 year old themselves but also friends and families get an insight into an elder person's thought process and rationalizing. The interviews of actual people give the book validation, not what doctors and specialists think you should know. Topics cover not only, children growing older and having an empty nest, grandchildren, death and dementia but many more. I received a copy of this ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review.

[Valjean · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not sure why I picked up this book but, I'm glad I did. Being in my 80's, I found it very informative and uplifting. It seems society as a whole, wants to categorize older people and essentially put them out to pasture. This book made me understand why I still want to fill my life with activities and want to continue to learn. The book is well written.

[Georgann · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was good and offered me some things to think about.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a wonderful and unique idea to write a book about people’s lives in the eighth decade of life.

It’s a positive outlook on what life is and isn’t for many people in their eighties. In the United States, we live in a society that glorifies youth and treats aging like a dreaded disease. This book is a refreshing departure, written by a practicing psychotherapist in her eighties.

Highly recommended.

[Jennifer Christian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books I've ever read. I really loved this book, which is odd because I am not nor do I have any loved ones in this stage of life. I honestly don't know why I even picked this book up. I was clearly not the target audience. I've unintentionally been reading many books lately on life/death/change, etc. I just keep finding others in this same vein that seem so intriguing once I finish one.

For several years I have been working through a fear of death - death of loved ones, dying early and missing things I want to be here for - and anxious feelings concerning the passage of time/irreversible change. Let me back up - for several years I've been suffering through these anxieties in many different forms and fashions; I've only recently set my determination on facing these fears head-on, instead of trying to cover or run from them. These anxieties, panic attacks, and worries have impacted my life in a multitude of ways - direct and indirect. I am starting to see the seeds of freedom from these fears that have gripped me and clenched tighter and tighter around me for years start to sprout.

So, though I think this book was excellent and made me feel so many things and think through so many things that have helped me on my own journey, I'm probably misguided in assuming it will have the same impact on others in my cohort. I will say this, though, for as much as I got out of this book (as a completely off-the-radar reader), if you are or have a family member who is nearing or in this stage of life (80s), I truly feel this book will help you approach and understand this stage of life differently and help you see the multitude of possibilities - so many of them much greater than I imagined - for this stage of life.

[Marian Beaman · Rating 5 out of 5]

EightySomethings is written by Dr. Katharine Esty, herself an eighty-something. As the subtitle suggests, her work is a “Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness.”

The author who interviewed over 120 people in their eighties shows readers and their children how to embrace and thrive in this stage of life. In twenty chapters, Dr. Esty addresses Health Matters, Love and Sex, Grand-parenting, Transitions, Survivor Skills, and Spirituality. In her chapter on Aging Wisely, the author quotes an interviewee who suggests, “Don’t complain, do what you enjoy,” which strikes me as sound advice for any age.

Dr. Esty is a psychotherapist and includes copious notes in appendices along with pages of references. I liked her literary references too, this one in particular from Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway: “The compensation of growing old, Peter Walsh thought, coming out of Regent’s Park, . . . was simply this: that the passions remain as strong as ever, but one had gained—at last!—the power which adds the supreme flavour to existence—the power of taking hold of experience, of turning it round, slowly, in the light.”

[Nana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not 80 something quite yet but I am a planner and this is a must-have book. Such a wealth of information and I learned so much from reading it.
The author really has done the research and interviewed many eightysomethings. Like all the years before, there was no guide book to help you know what it would probably be like. Now there is a book for not only eightysomethings but for family and friends of eightysomethings. This book helps to understand what eightysomethings are going through with their health, loneliness, loss of their independence and so much more.
I believe this is going to be a best seller that so many people are going to be thankful that it was written. More and more people are living longer now and it is scary the challenges they have to face. This book helps take away the scariness and lets you see ways to not only understand what they are going through but ways to help them make it through. I have already told my daughter she will be getting a copy so she will have an understanding of why her father and I are the way we are when we are eightysomethings.
I received an ARC from NetGalley and am so thankful that this book was written. I truly do believe this is a must-have book for so many people. It shines the light on what more and more people will be facing now that we are living longer.

[Mizloo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical discussion of the meaning of (much) later life. More positive and definitely less dreary than say, Donald Hall. A good, action focused approach to the realities of getting really old. (I'm 77)

[Melody · Rating 4 out of 5]

Trying to relate to my not quite 80something while dealing with my own almost 50 self. I see benefit to everyone from some ideas in the book.

[Jackie Sunday · Rating 5 out of 5]

No one really wants to think about aging into the 80s. Many of us are in denial. "I'm not old." Psychotherapist, Katherine Esty, brings the issues to the forefront. When she tried to find a book dedicated to this age group, she found nothing. She decided to write a book by interviewing 128 people over 80 and 26 adult children of aging parents. She notes: "Old age is not for sissies... it requires the ability to handle and accept one by one, the losses that are encountered."

The book is a wealth of information on how to cope with growing old. The author talks about the shrinking world with bodies, smaller homes, traveling less, and making their lives more simple. Besides giving the reader a glimpse of what others have endured, she is a list maker for all kinds of groups including what really matters the most: the importance of family, passion, serving others, living in the present and relationships. She ends the book with reference materials and books. She says, "Do what you enjoy...live your life from the heart rather than from the head."

This is book I'd like for myself, my sisters, my friends and I will recommend it to everyone. My thanks to the author, publisher and NetGalley for allowing me to read this copy.

[Karen Phillips · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reaching my own 80th birthday last year brought up a significant number of thoughts about mortality. I follow a healthy diet, work out three times a week and have creative outlets. I picked up this book thinking there might be something more I could learn about this stage in my life.
A short book consisting mostly of interviews, it was easy reading and easy to concentrate on chapters of most interest. i tended to stay with positive stories and skip the sad or negative ones. I am happy at this stage in my life, and don’t want to embrace negativity — at least not yet.
Two parts of the book were interesting to me — Appendices I and Ii. The first is a list of 50 activities as a suggestion to keep yourself involved — they range from Play Bridge to take a Hike to Get Married. Appendix II talks about writing a legacy letter. It’s a way to be “present” at a child’s future event like graduation or marriage when you might not still be alive. You can give them your congratulations or advice or love through your written words.
There are some good tidbits and interesting interviews. A good book to revisit from time to time.

[Rick Weber · Rating 4 out of 5]

I believe in learning from the experiences of others. I'm 75 years old and relatively healthy. My wife is 78 years old and relatively unhealthy. We've lived in our colonial home for 38 years. The decision to move into a more appropriate setting is approaching. This book provided a lot of food for thought. I didn't read all the chapters, e.g., the chapter on dementia is not currently applicable, but I'll keep the book in my collection as a reference.
One section of the book provided a new perspective about Stocisim. The author states on page 14 that Stoics were the largest group in the author's eightysomething sample. The author states that Stoics are like the literary character Pollyanna, remaining good-spirited and cheerful, even when they face situations that are painful and life-altering. I read a lot about Stoics, and I would not have described Stoics as good-spirited and cheerful, but the author makes a good point when she writes that for these Stoics, it is definitely "stiff upper lip" and "keep on moving."

[joyce w. laudon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am not yet in my eighties but hope to be one day as I cannot bear to think of the alternative. Many fear this stage of life but Doctor Esty will help readers to anticipate, move through this stage and have a life that can include joy and meaning.

The book’s chapters cover a wide range of topics. A few of these include Dementia, Spirituality and Unexpected Happiness. Readers experience these topics with the benefit of the interviews conducted by the author.

In addition to its audience of eighty somethings this book could also be usefully read by adult children or others who have relationships with those in this age bracket. It will help them to understand its unique place in the life cycle.

Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher. All opinions are my own.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chapter 20 was the one I was waiting for - A New Vision of Old Age. The entire book was helpful, but the last Chapter was enlightening.
Agism is alive and well in the world. I feel it is up to us to change the perception of us being decrepit and useless.
We are not, even if we have health issues and need care. We should be a force to be recommend with, even if it is a quiet force.
Thank you Dr. Esty for bringing so many issues to the forefront of society by delving into issues we face and the helpful hints to our loved ones.
A necessary book.

[Susanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this to better understand my 87 year old mother and also to learn what’s in store for me in 25 years. I found the questions at the end of the chapters to be very helpful—something I can explore with my mother. This is an easy book to get through and I think the variety of experiences she highlights is helpful. Bottom line—old people are still worthy and deserve dignity. This book offers ways for 80 somethings to find that dignity.

[Monical · Rating 2 out of 5]

Based on interviews and personal reflection, this book tries to categorize various people's experiences on aging. At the end, the answer is: it depends. Depends on health, family ties, money, cultural experiences.....in particular I thought it lacked much input from non-traditional (e.g., gay) people. What, we don't make it to 80? Or maybe that will be another book. Or very well may already be a book.

[Rae Simpson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Minuteman. Unremarkable, by therapist in her 80s, based on 100+ nonrandom interviews with people doing ok. But a sobering peek at the 80s--even for those in the best health, lots of challenges, always some health issues, some modification of life, some falling away of old activities, loss of friends and loved ones.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Encouraging and enlightening

This well written book is insightful and encouraging to readers nearing these years. The author gives hope that the future may not be as gloomy in these golden years as society would lead us to believe. Well written with lots of insight from those already there.

[Richard K · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book for those arriving at the magical point of old age and are able to admit it. The author herself is Eighty-something and trained in the profession of psychology. I would highly recommend you read this book if you are interested in the subject of aging. It is a must read for those who are already arriving at old age, have parents up in age, or want to be a better friend to those nearly eightysomething!

[Melissa Robbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Upbeat thoughtful overview by an 80 something with stories from many interviews

The challenges but also the joys. Health crises, new relationships, reluctance to embrace change. A lot of adjustments are needed. Useful reading for adult children of ageing parents, but probably most useful for those starting to consider life beyond retirement.

[Meg Jung · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not in my eighties, but my mom is and she recommended this one. She said nobody ever really told her what to expect as she aged to this point, and she thought this would help me for my own life as well as helping to understand her and what she is going through. It was a decent read. I've recommended it to a few friends with octogenarian parents.

[Kelly Henderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

For those of us with parents in their 80's I'd encourage you and them to read to gain insight and understanding to what is important. It made a huge difference with me and my mom in understanding each other.

[William Porter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Worthwhile and rewarding

Good range of people discussed. Lends real strength to her observations and insights. Amazingly extensive references to further reading. Resonates with and helps to put my own experience as an 87 year old into perspective.

[J. Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed it. A good read for people who are in their 80s and their families as well. The author interview is 128 people who are in their 80s and there is a treasure trove of advice on aging wisely and staying happy.

[Candy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good insights into the minds of eighty year-olds. Includes tips on starting conversations.

[Michelle Vandepol · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating research by a psychologist in her 80s. 120+ interviews provide a strong spectrum of experience and Esty's work helps people look ahead to aging with anticipation, not fear.

[Francine Chu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written by an octogenarian about her peers, at times simplistic but ultimately an unexpectedly uplifting read.

[Knedra · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good for understanding your 80something family members or friends, as well as looking ahead for yourself. Easy read. Definitely not scientific, nor does it pretend to be.

[Wil · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a good introduction to ageing; I can't say that I learned a lot, but she presents and discusses all the major topics.