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Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us Out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode--And Into a Life of Connection and Joy
In the wise and soulful tradition of teachers like Shauna Niequist and Brene Brown, therapist Aundi Kolber debuts with Try Softer, helping us align our mind, body, and soul to live the life God created for us.
In a world that preaches a "try harder" gospel--just keep going, keep hustling, keep pretending we're all fine--we're left exhausted, overwhelmed, and so numb to our lives. If we're honest, we've been overfunctioning for so long, we can't even imagine another way. How else will things get done? How else will we survive?
It doesn't have to be this way.
Aundi Kolber believes that we don't have to white-knuckle our way through life. In her debut book, Try Softer, she'll show us how God specifically designed our bodies and minds to work together to process our stories and work through obstacles. Through the latest psychology, practical clinical exercises, and her own personal story, Aundi equips and empowers us to connect us to our truest self and truly live. This is the "try softer" life.
In Try Softer, you'll learn how to:
Know and set emotional and relational boundaries
Make sense of the difficult experiences you've had
Identify your attachment style--and how that affects your relationships today
Move through emotions rather than get stuck by them
Grow in self-compassion and talk back to your inner critic
Trying softer is sacred work. And while it won't be perfect or easy, it will be worth it. Because this is what we were made for: a living, breathing, moving, feeling, connected, beautifully incarnational life.
In a world that preaches a "try harder" gospel--just keep going, keep hustling, keep pretending we're all fine--we're left exhausted, overwhelmed, and so numb to our lives. If we're honest, we've been overfunctioning for so long, we can't even imagine another way. How else will things get done? How else will we survive?
It doesn't have to be this way.
Aundi Kolber believes that we don't have to white-knuckle our way through life. In her debut book, Try Softer, she'll show us how God specifically designed our bodies and minds to work together to process our stories and work through obstacles. Through the latest psychology, practical clinical exercises, and her own personal story, Aundi equips and empowers us to connect us to our truest self and truly live. This is the "try softer" life.
In Try Softer, you'll learn how to:
Know and set emotional and relational boundaries
Make sense of the difficult experiences you've had
Identify your attachment style--and how that affects your relationships today
Move through emotions rather than get stuck by them
Grow in self-compassion and talk back to your inner critic
Trying softer is sacred work. And while it won't be perfect or easy, it will be worth it. Because this is what we were made for: a living, breathing, moving, feeling, connected, beautifully incarnational life.
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 7, 2020
2119 people are currently reading
14499 people want to read
About the author
Aundi Kolber
6 books251 followersHi there, I’m Aundi.
Here are some things that might be helpful for you to know about me:
I am a deep thinker and deep feeler. Sometimes I get bored with small talk. I love stories, people, counseling, theology and my precious family. I find myself constantly amazed by God’s faithfulness in my life. I write, think, and chew on this often. I believe that Jesus is my ultimate hope and healer.
I am a licensed professional counselor in Castle Rock, CO and attended Denver Seminary for my graduate education. I am married to the love of my life and have a daughter and son who are the joy of my heart.
My work has been featured on Relevant, CT Women, The Huffington Post, The Mudroom, Happy Sonship and Circling the Story.
Here are some things that might be helpful for you to know about me:
I am a deep thinker and deep feeler. Sometimes I get bored with small talk. I love stories, people, counseling, theology and my precious family. I find myself constantly amazed by God’s faithfulness in my life. I write, think, and chew on this often. I believe that Jesus is my ultimate hope and healer.
I am a licensed professional counselor in Castle Rock, CO and attended Denver Seminary for my graduate education. I am married to the love of my life and have a daughter and son who are the joy of my heart.
My work has been featured on Relevant, CT Women, The Huffington Post, The Mudroom, Happy Sonship and Circling the Story.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,045 reviews
December 20, 2019
This book feels like an in-depth therapy session from a knowledgeable counselor. The first part is informational, talking about parts of your brain and how they process trauma, overwhelming or uncomfortable situations, and triggers. It talks about our Window of Tolerance and the importance and benefit of boundaries. The second part contains exercises to help us connect with our bodies, brains, and emotions. They can help keep us in tune with ourselves and find growth and healing in our lives. I appreciated the wisdom and the vulnerability Aundi shares through her book. While I don’t personally have much trauma to deal with, I still found some helpful information and exercises in the book.
January 14, 2020
Recently I had a day when I felt deeply unmotivated and tired. I wasn't depressed or anxious, just lacking the drive to do anything much other than watch TV.
In the past, I would have been unkind to myself on days like this. I would have pushed hard, knuckled down, ignored whatever my body and soul were trying to tell me, and forced myself to just get things done.
That day, however, I decided to be gentle to myself instead and I moved slowly, only working on those things that I felt enough natural push to get behind. By the end of the day I had tidied the house, watched some TV, prepared food for myself and the family, worked on a few odds and ends, and put away the Christmas decorations... which probably sounds like a full enough day anyway. But I did it slowly and gently, at a pace that felt kind to myself.
The next day, I felt full of motivation and drive once again. In the past, I might have analyzed this situation and said, "See? You just needed to push yourself and now you're fine." But the fact that I refused to push myself and still felt "normal" the next day betrayed that as a falsehood. Not only did I feel more "normal" the next day but I also felt grateful to myself rather than resentful.
When I speak of being gentle, I'm not talking about being lazy or slovenly, eating garbage and watching junk. I'm talking about listening to your body, soul and spirit, and treating yourself with enough love to give yourself what it is you need.
If your body, soul or spirit are pushing back against you, you may need to check into those things. Are you a wise and kind ruler of yourself, or are you a tyrant?
The process of how to get to know yourself, how to slow down, listen to body, soul and spirit and attune to the needs, fears, desires and traumas within, and start to move towards healing... is what Aundi Kolber's Try Softer is all about. It has literally changed my life and I am indebted to her. If you are a human being, you should consider getting this book and reading it for all its worth. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
In the past, I would have been unkind to myself on days like this. I would have pushed hard, knuckled down, ignored whatever my body and soul were trying to tell me, and forced myself to just get things done.
That day, however, I decided to be gentle to myself instead and I moved slowly, only working on those things that I felt enough natural push to get behind. By the end of the day I had tidied the house, watched some TV, prepared food for myself and the family, worked on a few odds and ends, and put away the Christmas decorations... which probably sounds like a full enough day anyway. But I did it slowly and gently, at a pace that felt kind to myself.
The next day, I felt full of motivation and drive once again. In the past, I might have analyzed this situation and said, "See? You just needed to push yourself and now you're fine." But the fact that I refused to push myself and still felt "normal" the next day betrayed that as a falsehood. Not only did I feel more "normal" the next day but I also felt grateful to myself rather than resentful.
When I speak of being gentle, I'm not talking about being lazy or slovenly, eating garbage and watching junk. I'm talking about listening to your body, soul and spirit, and treating yourself with enough love to give yourself what it is you need.
If your body, soul or spirit are pushing back against you, you may need to check into those things. Are you a wise and kind ruler of yourself, or are you a tyrant?
The process of how to get to know yourself, how to slow down, listen to body, soul and spirit and attune to the needs, fears, desires and traumas within, and start to move towards healing... is what Aundi Kolber's Try Softer is all about. It has literally changed my life and I am indebted to her. If you are a human being, you should consider getting this book and reading it for all its worth. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
March 11, 2021
Absolute game changer of a book. I'm most definitely still processing but I would say this book gave me more to think about relating to marriage, parenting and outside the house pressures. I am a Reformed Christian and that can frequently be defined as more "cold" and even really hard on one's self. It's hard to process life sometimes when you feel like you *should* be perfected far more rapidly than is actually possible.
This book helped explain emotions, brain function, processing skills in a super helpful, very attainable way. Definitely going down as one of my Top Reads of 2021 and I'd recommend it for a good think.
This book helped explain emotions, brain function, processing skills in a super helpful, very attainable way. Definitely going down as one of my Top Reads of 2021 and I'd recommend it for a good think.
August 30, 2022
Alright. It is usually hard for me to get through “self-help” books. But after much encouragement from a dear friend, I went ahead and gave this book a try. The idea of trying softer, of paying compassionate attention, of honoring our stories… is changing how I view so many things. Rather than approach our emotions and stories with shame, negative self-talk, and white-knuckling, what does it look like to try… a little softer? To practice grace with ourselves, knowing we have received abundant grace already, and the more we give ourselves grace, the more readily available we are to give it to others.
This book gives actual, TANGIBLE tools to use. I bookmarked almost every chapter to go back to for when I need it. THANKS AUNDI!
“As a trauma informed therapist, I don’t consider stories to simply be abstract concepts or ethereal ideas, but instead the neurobiological framework through which we experience life-for better or for worse. Simply put, stories- or the compilation of events, emotions, sensations, ideas, and relationships we’ve experienced- are held in our minds and bodies, and they affect how we see the world.”
“God doesn’t always save us from the consequences of our actions. But He doesn’t celebrate our pain either. He doesn’t ask us to minimize or pretend it isn’t there. Instead, He offers His love and unending compassion as we walk through whatever we’re facing.”
God is a curator and keeper of stories. Psalm 56:8-9
This book gives actual, TANGIBLE tools to use. I bookmarked almost every chapter to go back to for when I need it. THANKS AUNDI!
“As a trauma informed therapist, I don’t consider stories to simply be abstract concepts or ethereal ideas, but instead the neurobiological framework through which we experience life-for better or for worse. Simply put, stories- or the compilation of events, emotions, sensations, ideas, and relationships we’ve experienced- are held in our minds and bodies, and they affect how we see the world.”
“God doesn’t always save us from the consequences of our actions. But He doesn’t celebrate our pain either. He doesn’t ask us to minimize or pretend it isn’t there. Instead, He offers His love and unending compassion as we walk through whatever we’re facing.”
God is a curator and keeper of stories. Psalm 56:8-9
January 17, 2023
Try Softer is filled to the brim with practical and gentle ways to learn about yourself, your relationships, and possibly trauma that affects how you relate to the world.
Aundi Kolber is a licensed professional counselor who knows the pain of past trauma. Her expertise on the subject lets us know we can trust her and her studies and research show us the science and psychology behind her approach.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is trying to move through the world in a healthier and more mindful way, or to anyone who has experienced pain or trauma and is searching for ways to heal.
Aundi Kolber is a licensed professional counselor who knows the pain of past trauma. Her expertise on the subject lets us know we can trust her and her studies and research show us the science and psychology behind her approach.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is trying to move through the world in a healthier and more mindful way, or to anyone who has experienced pain or trauma and is searching for ways to heal.
January 18, 2024
An excellent primer for understanding the connections between our brains and our bodies with regards to anxiety, trauma, and dissociation.
It's an easy read, with case study examples and the author's own story used periodically to illustrate points. It leans more encouraging and less clinical. Though there are good clinical definitions for things, I didn't find it to be as difficult to read as The Body Keeps the Score (now there's a book you need a little bit more emotional bandwidth to process).
I particularly liked the simple explanations of the fight, flight, faun and freeze responses to threat, as well as the brief overview of attachment theory. Finally, I reached the chapter on emotions and I decided I needed to buy the book. Most of this is not new content, but I found myself making very helpful connections to the season of life and healing that I am currently in. I also know I'll be using this as a resource for my job in the years to come.
It's an easy read, with case study examples and the author's own story used periodically to illustrate points. It leans more encouraging and less clinical. Though there are good clinical definitions for things, I didn't find it to be as difficult to read as The Body Keeps the Score (now there's a book you need a little bit more emotional bandwidth to process).
I particularly liked the simple explanations of the fight, flight, faun and freeze responses to threat, as well as the brief overview of attachment theory. Finally, I reached the chapter on emotions and I decided I needed to buy the book. Most of this is not new content, but I found myself making very helpful connections to the season of life and healing that I am currently in. I also know I'll be using this as a resource for my job in the years to come.
March 4, 2024
finally finished listening to this!! I’ll need to revisit it one day when I have time to use the workbook too. This book made me think so much about things I’d never considered before related to emotions… such an important message, would recommend to everyone!!
February 19, 2023
Much like when I read Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies about Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be, I think this might be more of a right-time-right-place reaction from me. I've been working through some big emotions recently and listening to a chapter of this book a day gave me some helpful techniques and ideas for exploring anxiety in my life and those around me.
That said...it sometimes felt about as theological as reading The Message or Jesus Calling. It offered words of grace and comfort that were needed in the moment. And to give it credit, it also provided some techniques that I might return to. But I also think I am going to forget it.
That said...it sometimes felt about as theological as reading The Message or Jesus Calling. It offered words of grace and comfort that were needed in the moment. And to give it credit, it also provided some techniques that I might return to. But I also think I am going to forget it.
January 14, 2025
This book is a quick read if you want it to be, but also has great activities and practices that slow it down. I found lots of it redundant, but I think it is because the dialogue Aundi Kolber is trying to teach us to use is one that is contrary to what we have internalized to believe. The premise of this book is instead of trying harder, try softer. Be compassionate with yourself, which starts with understanding yourself and validating what you find. She incorporated some Scripture, but used far more principles from the Word to illustrate her points. Her book highlights that our bodies and minds are not isolated in their experiences and one is not superior to the other. Trying softer does not mean it will be easier, in fact, there is more reflective and thoughtful work to be done when we decide to break the unhealthy paradigms we live in. I really enjoy books that talk about psychology in accessible terms and this one shows how our development (and even pre-memory era) will affect our attachments and relationships with ourself and others. Good read!
August 12, 2021
Finally got through with Try Softer. In life with keep going, keep pushing and when we are tired we pretend nothing is wrong. So comes in the Try Softer. God wants more for us. He wants us to come to him and not to have a crazy lives with the responsibilities of life over taken us to we are so overwhelmed that we can't function any longer. Aundi Kolber shows us how to have God peace in our lives and how to overcome the stress that life can give up. Now I felt this book a little technical for me, but I did really enjoy it and I did get a lot out of it. Christ wants more for us and I was reminded how much with this book. I recommend this book to everyone especially for those who are over stressed and don't know where to turn!!
January 20, 2023
Insightful and practical read. I'm looking forward to her next book, Strong Like Water.
Read
May 29, 2023This book gives really great advice and feels like you’re sitting in a counselor’s office. Biggg advocate of counseling here ✋🏻. She gives common and good techniques like grounding, setting boundaries, and did she call it something like being aware of your window of tolerance? I think that’s right. Very helpful for anxiety. It definitely leans more towards counseling advice than deep-diving biblically. I felt myself being resistant to some of the ways that I should speak to myself because I felt it was a tad cheesy, but hey, you know what they say, maybe you should pay attention to the things you resist because it’s actually what you need. Bet.
February 15, 2022
This is a gentle and helpful primer for Christians to become trauma-informed. With lots of exercises and ideas for personal growth and attunement, as well as bits of relevant research, I know I will recommend this especially to people who are looking to go deeper to understand their own mental health or that of someone they love but are perhaps not ready to commit to counseling and also those looking to change the stigma of mental health in the church. (PS - this book is not therapy, but it is so helpful when there are resources that help support the therapeutic process and our spiritual walk.)
December 29, 2024
This was the right book for me at this very moment. She does a wonderful job explaining how our minds and bodies are deeply and spiritually connected and how you cannot have one without the other. Felt hopeful and practical. Really glad I read this book and will take its encouragement into the New Year with me.
January 21, 2024
This was such a great book! I really needed to hear some of this information.
Goodies:
- Counselors should never work harder than their clients.
- Personal growth is a process, not an event.
- The way we do something is as important as what we do.
- Listen to the physical signals your body is giving to you.
- Don’t push your trauma down; acknowledge it. Big T and little t. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen.
- Don’t strive for perfection. Strive for humility and awareness.
- When we reach stability, it can seem like things fall apart, but this is the time when your mind actually lets you process all that was blocked out during the hard times.
- It’s brave to ask for help.
- Your body is not you. It is a physical expression of you.
- It’s okay to take in just a bit at a time then take a break.
- Know and remain in your window of tolerance
- Guilt = I did something bad; Shame = I am bad
Daily affirmations:
I am safe. I can make choices. I am capable. I am lovable. I am valuable. I am in process. I can set boundaries.
Biggest concept gleaned:
Emotions add texture to our lives. They are the feedback to our interactions. They are the balance to the cerebral brain. If we don’t learn to identify what we’re feeling, we won’t have the right vocabulary to label what is going on within us. Can you imagine what it would be like without emotions? Naming your emotion can calm your brain. Happy, amused, carefree, cheerful, excited, exhilarated, giddy, grateful, joyful, loved, merry, optimistic, relaxed, satisfied, thrilled, tranquil, upbeat, sad, blue, burdened, depressed, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, drained, gloomy, grief-stricken, hopeless, lonely, melancholic, pensive, remorseful, troubled, weary, anger, agitated, aggravated, bitter, brooding, cranky, cross, defensive, frustrated, furious, hostile, impatient, rebellious, resentful, scorned, testy, upset, fearful, afraid, alarmed, antsy, anxious, despairing, cautious, frightened, helpless, hesitant, insecure, nervous, rattled, stressed, tense, worried, surprised, astonished, confused, curious, delighted, enchanted, horrified, incredulous, impressed, inquisitive, intrigued, mystified, puzzled, shocked, skeptical, startled, wary, disgusted, cynical, disillusioned, disturbed, embarrassed, exasperated, fed up, humiliated, jaded, jealous, offended, outraged, repulsed, revulsed, scandalized, sickened, smug. Do you even know what all these emotions mean? Do you know how to define what you’re feeling? Do you know how to listen and understand when someone is defining their emotions?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Trying softer isn’t a destination, but a way to journey forward.
“I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”
…I want to do more than survive.
Goodies:
- Counselors should never work harder than their clients.
- Personal growth is a process, not an event.
- The way we do something is as important as what we do.
- Listen to the physical signals your body is giving to you.
- Don’t push your trauma down; acknowledge it. Big T and little t. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen.
- Don’t strive for perfection. Strive for humility and awareness.
- When we reach stability, it can seem like things fall apart, but this is the time when your mind actually lets you process all that was blocked out during the hard times.
- It’s brave to ask for help.
- Your body is not you. It is a physical expression of you.
- It’s okay to take in just a bit at a time then take a break.
- Know and remain in your window of tolerance
- Guilt = I did something bad; Shame = I am bad
Daily affirmations:
I am safe. I can make choices. I am capable. I am lovable. I am valuable. I am in process. I can set boundaries.
Biggest concept gleaned:
Emotions add texture to our lives. They are the feedback to our interactions. They are the balance to the cerebral brain. If we don’t learn to identify what we’re feeling, we won’t have the right vocabulary to label what is going on within us. Can you imagine what it would be like without emotions? Naming your emotion can calm your brain. Happy, amused, carefree, cheerful, excited, exhilarated, giddy, grateful, joyful, loved, merry, optimistic, relaxed, satisfied, thrilled, tranquil, upbeat, sad, blue, burdened, depressed, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, drained, gloomy, grief-stricken, hopeless, lonely, melancholic, pensive, remorseful, troubled, weary, anger, agitated, aggravated, bitter, brooding, cranky, cross, defensive, frustrated, furious, hostile, impatient, rebellious, resentful, scorned, testy, upset, fearful, afraid, alarmed, antsy, anxious, despairing, cautious, frightened, helpless, hesitant, insecure, nervous, rattled, stressed, tense, worried, surprised, astonished, confused, curious, delighted, enchanted, horrified, incredulous, impressed, inquisitive, intrigued, mystified, puzzled, shocked, skeptical, startled, wary, disgusted, cynical, disillusioned, disturbed, embarrassed, exasperated, fed up, humiliated, jaded, jealous, offended, outraged, repulsed, revulsed, scandalized, sickened, smug. Do you even know what all these emotions mean? Do you know how to define what you’re feeling? Do you know how to listen and understand when someone is defining their emotions?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Trying softer isn’t a destination, but a way to journey forward.
“I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”
…I want to do more than survive.
August 18, 2023
This guidebook has been a companion all year as I read through “Try Softer.” At times, it felt painful to open up. And at other times, it was life-giving to pore over the prompts and let honesty flow from my writing or painting. Sometimes the questions felt big, and in other moments they were the perfect ask.
I will revisit the work I did in this book. Because it was truly that—work. I will cherish the art, the writing, the vulnerability scribbled across the pages that pushed me as I keep revisiting the value of trying softer.
I will revisit the work I did in this book. Because it was truly that—work. I will cherish the art, the writing, the vulnerability scribbled across the pages that pushed me as I keep revisiting the value of trying softer.
May 4, 2022
Love the title. Love the idea of acknowledging limits, being gentle with oneself and slowing down. 10 stars to paying attention to the real world outside our heads. Lots of interesting parts about the brain and what happens when we're stressed out, in grief, or maxed out.
That being said, I don't think I'd recommend this title for someone looking to learn about the brain, recovery, or connection. Felt like the trademarked Christian Woman's Conference edition of Boundaries. 🤷🏼♀️
That being said, I don't think I'd recommend this title for someone looking to learn about the brain, recovery, or connection. Felt like the trademarked Christian Woman's Conference edition of Boundaries. 🤷🏼♀️
August 26, 2023
Praise God for healing & tangible proof of it.
I read this in college & it didn’t make any sense, it just felt too gentle + too kind. Just now finishing it again, I am beyond grateful for Aundi’s words on God’s compassion & how we can also treat our own stories with that same compassion.
I read this in college & it didn’t make any sense, it just felt too gentle + too kind. Just now finishing it again, I am beyond grateful for Aundi’s words on God’s compassion & how we can also treat our own stories with that same compassion.
July 2, 2023
“Try Softer” is the book I didn’t know I needed. Paired with the guided journal, it gives off therapy vibes. Although it reads easy, it is not an easy read. As a therapist, the author provides and explains complex information (i.e. attachment theories, window of tolerance, boundaries) in an easy-to-digest way, and each chapter ends with questions to process.
The guided journal, if purchased, has workbook pages about the chapters to help dig a bit deeper.
I personally used my book in therapy sessions with my counselor to continue to process the things I wrote. It took me months to read because each chapter was so rich and thought-provoking. I would highly recommend!
The guided journal, if purchased, has workbook pages about the chapters to help dig a bit deeper.
I personally used my book in therapy sessions with my counselor to continue to process the things I wrote. It took me months to read because each chapter was so rich and thought-provoking. I would highly recommend!
July 20, 2023
4.5 ✨— I’ll definitely be purchasing a copy of this in the future to lend out to friends. A really straightforward and gentle primer on a lot of what goes on in therapy and a sweet theology of a God who wants us to be at home in our bodies and our stories.
January 16, 2024
4.5 stars. The first half I loved so much but I didn't like the second part as well.
October 3, 2022
Words I would use to describe this book: hopeful, practical, and kind.
This was just what I needed to read! I have learned so much from this book about my window of tolerance, how to process emotions, and how to grow in resilience. Andi shares some of her own story as well as practical ways to try softer. There are suggested exercises at the end of each chapter. She writes in such a kind, compassionate way, I came away from reading her book feeling hopeful and encouraged! Highly recommend!
This was just what I needed to read! I have learned so much from this book about my window of tolerance, how to process emotions, and how to grow in resilience. Andi shares some of her own story as well as practical ways to try softer. There are suggested exercises at the end of each chapter. She writes in such a kind, compassionate way, I came away from reading her book feeling hopeful and encouraged! Highly recommend!
March 12, 2024
If you think you should read this book, you should! Changed me. Will have to go back to it again and again.
June 30, 2023
This book took me a long time to get through but because of all the wonderful and hard things in it. Thankful for it and I think it will for sure be a re-read so many good nuggets I need to revisit.
May 8, 2023
For most readers, this book could be finished in a weekend. I, however, took FOREVER to finish it because I felt the need to commit a lot of the content to memory and really study the research and coping strategies presented by Aundi Kolber. This book was recommended to me (read: assigned to me) by my therapist and I found it wildly helpful.
It’s written for people who have been taught that emotions are weakness, even sinful, and that you need to bottle up your feelings and white-knuckle your way through life. This book proposes that instead of continually telling ourselves to “try harder,” we “try softer.” Some sections are so meaty and chock-full of information you have to reread a few times to fully absorb all of the information, whereas other parts are VERY skimmable/skippable.
I would recommend this book if you are interested in learning more about:
- anxiety and its connection to our nervous system
- effects of trauma (however big or small)
- attachment styles (secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized attachment)
- unhealthy vs healthy boundaries learned in childhood
- grounding and mindfulness strategies
- a comprehensive list of feelings to help you “name it to tame it”
- God’s role in our anxiety, trauma, and healing
It’s written for people who have been taught that emotions are weakness, even sinful, and that you need to bottle up your feelings and white-knuckle your way through life. This book proposes that instead of continually telling ourselves to “try harder,” we “try softer.” Some sections are so meaty and chock-full of information you have to reread a few times to fully absorb all of the information, whereas other parts are VERY skimmable/skippable.
I would recommend this book if you are interested in learning more about:
- anxiety and its connection to our nervous system
- effects of trauma (however big or small)
- attachment styles (secure, anxious-ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized attachment)
- unhealthy vs healthy boundaries learned in childhood
- grounding and mindfulness strategies
- a comprehensive list of feelings to help you “name it to tame it”
- God’s role in our anxiety, trauma, and healing
April 20, 2023
There should be some indication in the title or description that this is a faith based/Christian adaptation of therapeutic processes. The writer is Christian and advocates a relationship with God, Jesus and Yahweh as means for healing various attachment issues and abuse symptoms. This in itself can be highly disruptive and/or triggering to those who have been abused by or within a Christian setting or had Christian principles or beliefs used against them in an abusive manner. This can also be confusing or exclusionary for the millions of English speaking/reading people who are not Christian, who do not participate in the concept of original sin or the need for a savior as part of their lived experience.
Currently the Christian suggestions and examples do not start until well into the second 3rd of the book. It would be helpful to have some type of notation at the beginning that they will be used so readers can make an informed choice on whether they wish to engage with the material under these circumstances.
Currently the Christian suggestions and examples do not start until well into the second 3rd of the book. It would be helpful to have some type of notation at the beginning that they will be used so readers can make an informed choice on whether they wish to engage with the material under these circumstances.
June 23, 2023
Oh my heart and soul. This book was recommended to me by a coworker and I took my sweet time getting around to reading it, but man oh man did this book hit me at just the right time. Aundi Kolber speaks simultaneously to my exhausted 25 year old self desperate for change, my over-achieving 17 year old self hopelessly devoted to her grades, and my terrified 9 year old self aching for her parent’s attention. This book made me laugh, cry, gasp, reflect, and even ruminate. I will definitely be coming back to this book as a resource. I’m excited to be on a journey to try softer in all aspects of my life, bit by bit. Not sure exactly where I’m going but I’m on my way.
September 8, 2021
I’m confident this book will help people. To read such kind and compassionate words about trauma and it’s long-term effects was refreshing. She includes God and scripture as the Healer, but doesn’t suggest that struggling faith is the reason for lack of healing. She covers the science behind the brain and how trauma affects its development, which I thought strengthened her approach. I loved this book.
April 20, 2021
This book marries faith and modern day therapy strategies so well. She brings science and brain research into the faith space where often the church has encouraged us to just “pray more”. A great read!
November 12, 2025
"Are you breathing just a little and calling it life?"
So much wisdom in these 245 pages it'll be hard to even decide what to focus on in this review. The idea of trying softer is something I've never heard of before, but surely after reading this book it will become a personality and the biggest advice I give to anyone who needs it, because it's that good!
Something I greatly appreciated about Try Softer is that Aundi Kobler made it clear that one size does not fit all. This isn't an approach that everyone just does the same and it works the same every time, which is important to note in a "self help" book in my opinion. Aundi is a trauma-informed LPC who recognizes that every individually is different and could take to her approach differently. She even mentioned that if in reading this book you felt triggered or almost worse, to seek help.
At it's core, the trying softer approach is about becoming more aware of yourself, recognizing your emotions and being gentle with yourself through that process. Even when I think about going through counselling for trauma in my own personal life, I've always thought of it as hard work. Which, it is! It's a taxing process, but trying softer to me feels like the allowance to let that process be scary and emotional, and letting it take however much time it's going to take rather than putting deadlines and unfair expectations on myself.
I love that Aundi used scripture, anatomy and psychology research. She has a way of writing so that everything flows nicely and all of her sources support each other beautifully. Rather than God and science fighting each other like the world often makes them do, you can see how intricately He made our bodies and minds to work in accordance to His Word.
She talked frequently about attachement styles and the way that our upbringing effects the way we handle things and connect with others in the present. It's very helpful in understanding how your background might be showing up in your life today, and it also makes you realize that at our core we all are just the child-versions of ourselves trying to deal with adult life. Not only does this book encourage you to have compassion and grace for yourself, but makes you want to.
Can't recommend this book enough!
Isaiah 54:10 "Even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, my love won’t walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart."
TW: anxiety, miscarriage, alcoholism, absent parent
So much wisdom in these 245 pages it'll be hard to even decide what to focus on in this review. The idea of trying softer is something I've never heard of before, but surely after reading this book it will become a personality and the biggest advice I give to anyone who needs it, because it's that good!
Something I greatly appreciated about Try Softer is that Aundi Kobler made it clear that one size does not fit all. This isn't an approach that everyone just does the same and it works the same every time, which is important to note in a "self help" book in my opinion. Aundi is a trauma-informed LPC who recognizes that every individually is different and could take to her approach differently. She even mentioned that if in reading this book you felt triggered or almost worse, to seek help.
At it's core, the trying softer approach is about becoming more aware of yourself, recognizing your emotions and being gentle with yourself through that process. Even when I think about going through counselling for trauma in my own personal life, I've always thought of it as hard work. Which, it is! It's a taxing process, but trying softer to me feels like the allowance to let that process be scary and emotional, and letting it take however much time it's going to take rather than putting deadlines and unfair expectations on myself.
I love that Aundi used scripture, anatomy and psychology research. She has a way of writing so that everything flows nicely and all of her sources support each other beautifully. Rather than God and science fighting each other like the world often makes them do, you can see how intricately He made our bodies and minds to work in accordance to His Word.
She talked frequently about attachement styles and the way that our upbringing effects the way we handle things and connect with others in the present. It's very helpful in understanding how your background might be showing up in your life today, and it also makes you realize that at our core we all are just the child-versions of ourselves trying to deal with adult life. Not only does this book encourage you to have compassion and grace for yourself, but makes you want to.
Can't recommend this book enough!
Isaiah 54:10 "Even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, my love won’t walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart."
TW: anxiety, miscarriage, alcoholism, absent parent
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