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Say I'm Dead: A Family Memoir of Race, Secrets, and Love
Say I’m Dead is the true story of family secrets, separation, courage, and trans-formation through five generations of interracial relationships. Fearful of prison time—or lynching—for violating Indiana’s antimiscegenation laws in the 1940s, E. Dolores Johnson’s black father and white mother fled Indianapolis to secretly marry in Buffalo, New York.
When Johnson was born, social norms and her government-issued birth certificate said she was Negro, nullifying her mother’s white blood in her identity. Later, as a Harvard-educated business executive feeling too far from her black roots, she searched her father’s black genealogy. But in the process, Johnson suddenly realized that her mother’s whole white family was—and always had been—missing. When she began to pry, her mother’s 36-year-old secret spilled out. Her mother had simply vanished from Indiana, evading an FBI and police search that had ended with the conclusion that she had been the victim of foul play.
When Johnson was born, social norms and her government-issued birth certificate said she was Negro, nullifying her mother’s white blood in her identity. Later, as a Harvard-educated business executive feeling too far from her black roots, she searched her father’s black genealogy. But in the process, Johnson suddenly realized that her mother’s whole white family was—and always had been—missing. When she began to pry, her mother’s 36-year-old secret spilled out. Her mother had simply vanished from Indiana, evading an FBI and police search that had ended with the conclusion that she had been the victim of foul play.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published June 2, 2020
48 people are currently reading
2005 people want to read
About the author
E. Dolores Johnson
1 book46 followersAbout E. Dolores Johnson
E. Dolores Johnson is the author of “Say I’m Dead”, a multi-generational memoir that shows America’s changing attitudes toward mixed race through the journeys of the women in her family.
Dolores was born in Buffalo, NY. She earned degrees from Howard University and Harvard Graduate School of Business in Boston. After a career in tech, she took an MFA equivalent course to learn creative writing. Johnson is a published essayist focused on inter-racialism, and now her first book, “Say I’m Dead” will be published in June 2020.
Dolores lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts. To learn more about her and her work, visit her website at E.DoloresJohnson.com or follow her on Twitter @elladolo and Instagram at edoloresjohnson
E. Dolores Johnson is the author of “Say I’m Dead”, a multi-generational memoir that shows America’s changing attitudes toward mixed race through the journeys of the women in her family.
Dolores was born in Buffalo, NY. She earned degrees from Howard University and Harvard Graduate School of Business in Boston. After a career in tech, she took an MFA equivalent course to learn creative writing. Johnson is a published essayist focused on inter-racialism, and now her first book, “Say I’m Dead” will be published in June 2020.
Dolores lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts. To learn more about her and her work, visit her website at E.DoloresJohnson.com or follow her on Twitter @elladolo and Instagram at edoloresjohnson
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July 19, 2020
Compelling isn't a strong enough word for what I read between these covers. I could not put this book down. I'll admit, the first few chapters made me wonder if this was a story I was excited to read. Frankly, I tend to avoid memoirs these days. I've read many memoirs in my time and the last ten or so years, I find that the genre has been subjected by an overwhelming number of people, who sadly believe that at the ripe old age of 30, they know all they need to know about life and possess great wisdom to pass along, where it is merely the stuff of overblown egos and narcissists, who believe in subjecting you to their literary masturbation's (I apologize about that term, if it offends but honestly, I can't think of a more honest observation!). I've been astounded at some of things that have been published and there are few I'd recommend. This isn't one of them, I assure you. However, if you liked James McBride's "The Color of Water" or "Black, White and Jewish" by Rebecca Walker (Alice Walker's daughter), this is in your wheelhouse.
Dolores Johnson develops her story about growing up as biracial child in the 1950's, which seems to have been a quite lot different than the life of someone in the current age of multiculturalism. Where many people marry a partner of a different race and few blink an eye. In the 1943, when her black father and white mother ran off to New York to escape Indiana's miscegenation laws (forbidding of two people that are of different races from marrying). Her mother and father choosing to embrace his black parentage (which wasn't all that black (but I won't spoil it for you with details)) but "black enough in white society's eyes, and live among his mother and some of Mother's relatives. Although Dolores, her two brothers and mother were not always welcomed, there was not an option for the family to live in the "white" areas of town. Dolores always identified with her black ancestry with out little question until her teens, but she remained silent, observing that the family never discussed the maternal family that was missing from her life.
Dolores was an outstanding student and won many accolades and scholarships, eventually getting her MBA from Harvard. She was hired by the telephone co. and was on the executive track often being the only black woman at the higher levels of management and frequently subjected to racism and ugly jokes. Today, that would not be tolerated by Human Resources (I worked in that field) She and her successful black husband moved to places that offered opportunity but often their interaction in their community was less than welcome (including a cross burning when they purchased a home in a "white" neighborhood in Baton Rouge). Fighting through some horrible experiences allowed them to see that the seventies and eighties were a start, but many cultural views still remained embedded in individuals. Dolores started to see things that her parents had tried to shelter her from, or at least to a lesser degree, if possible.
Dolores began to challenge her mother's reasons for remaining intentionally vague about her family. Enlightened by Alex Haley's movie "Roots", Dolores explored her black roots back to a slave, who was brought to the United States in 1840's, then she sought the secrets her mother kept. Eventually, the bit by bit the secret was revealed but her mother made her promise not to make any contact. Dolores struggled with her own anger, curiosity and rage at the rejection, she felt from her white side lineage. It later became apparent that some of that was self rejection as well. As she explores her heritage and her views, new questions surface. It was exciting to join Dolores as she navigated her self-perception, her values, her thoughts on society.
In High School, my best friend was Filipino and Chinese (she is now deceased) but adopted by the Caucasian man, who married her mother, who then shortly after abandoned her two very young daughters to his care entirely. Neither should have been parents! We had many conversations that were deeply disturbing and broke my heart. Years later, I became very good friends with a biracial woman, who favored Delores in both opinions and physically, and although she had light skin, her hair was quite kinky. Though it was obvious that she had both Caucasian and African American Heritage, she identified as black. When I asked her why, it was how she perceived other's view of her. I was surprised. I told her that I had perceived her as multicultural, the blessed to be of two cultures. My view did not influence her own.
Having dated men from 4 continents, I have found that some, who are biracial define themselves either by their hair texture or skin coloring. It has always saddened me that people are constantly judged by features or significant aspect of cultural value: good looking vs. ugly; rich vs poor; smart vs stupid; thin vs FAT etc. I say it is time to toss labels! I think that is the essence of this story. One woman, Delores faced the facts of her ancestry and cultural experiences and came to see things an entirely different way.
If you like memoirs, this is quite a good reading experience. I think this would be a fantastic book club read based on the number of different experiences, Delores struggles to understand and interpret, it also has book club discussion questions to facilitate comments.
Thank you to Goodreads, Lawrence Hill Books and the author, E. Dolores Johnson (I hope she writes more) for the opportunity to read this story in return for an honest review. My experience and subsequent thoughts were unaffected by this gift.
Dolores Johnson develops her story about growing up as biracial child in the 1950's, which seems to have been a quite lot different than the life of someone in the current age of multiculturalism. Where many people marry a partner of a different race and few blink an eye. In the 1943, when her black father and white mother ran off to New York to escape Indiana's miscegenation laws (forbidding of two people that are of different races from marrying). Her mother and father choosing to embrace his black parentage (which wasn't all that black (but I won't spoil it for you with details)) but "black enough in white society's eyes, and live among his mother and some of Mother's relatives. Although Dolores, her two brothers and mother were not always welcomed, there was not an option for the family to live in the "white" areas of town. Dolores always identified with her black ancestry with out little question until her teens, but she remained silent, observing that the family never discussed the maternal family that was missing from her life.
Dolores was an outstanding student and won many accolades and scholarships, eventually getting her MBA from Harvard. She was hired by the telephone co. and was on the executive track often being the only black woman at the higher levels of management and frequently subjected to racism and ugly jokes. Today, that would not be tolerated by Human Resources (I worked in that field) She and her successful black husband moved to places that offered opportunity but often their interaction in their community was less than welcome (including a cross burning when they purchased a home in a "white" neighborhood in Baton Rouge). Fighting through some horrible experiences allowed them to see that the seventies and eighties were a start, but many cultural views still remained embedded in individuals. Dolores started to see things that her parents had tried to shelter her from, or at least to a lesser degree, if possible.
Dolores began to challenge her mother's reasons for remaining intentionally vague about her family. Enlightened by Alex Haley's movie "Roots", Dolores explored her black roots back to a slave, who was brought to the United States in 1840's, then she sought the secrets her mother kept. Eventually, the bit by bit the secret was revealed but her mother made her promise not to make any contact. Dolores struggled with her own anger, curiosity and rage at the rejection, she felt from her white side lineage. It later became apparent that some of that was self rejection as well. As she explores her heritage and her views, new questions surface. It was exciting to join Dolores as she navigated her self-perception, her values, her thoughts on society.
In High School, my best friend was Filipino and Chinese (she is now deceased) but adopted by the Caucasian man, who married her mother, who then shortly after abandoned her two very young daughters to his care entirely. Neither should have been parents! We had many conversations that were deeply disturbing and broke my heart. Years later, I became very good friends with a biracial woman, who favored Delores in both opinions and physically, and although she had light skin, her hair was quite kinky. Though it was obvious that she had both Caucasian and African American Heritage, she identified as black. When I asked her why, it was how she perceived other's view of her. I was surprised. I told her that I had perceived her as multicultural, the blessed to be of two cultures. My view did not influence her own.
Having dated men from 4 continents, I have found that some, who are biracial define themselves either by their hair texture or skin coloring. It has always saddened me that people are constantly judged by features or significant aspect of cultural value: good looking vs. ugly; rich vs poor; smart vs stupid; thin vs FAT etc. I say it is time to toss labels! I think that is the essence of this story. One woman, Delores faced the facts of her ancestry and cultural experiences and came to see things an entirely different way.
If you like memoirs, this is quite a good reading experience. I think this would be a fantastic book club read based on the number of different experiences, Delores struggles to understand and interpret, it also has book club discussion questions to facilitate comments.
Thank you to Goodreads, Lawrence Hill Books and the author, E. Dolores Johnson (I hope she writes more) for the opportunity to read this story in return for an honest review. My experience and subsequent thoughts were unaffected by this gift.
June 28, 2020
This is an incredible memoire. I didn't want to put it down. Heart-wrenching story of despair, courage, fortitude, strength and weakness, the challenges to and of our society. I highly recommend giving this book a read.
February 4, 2021
I had just read James McBride's "The Color of Water" when I happened to stumble upon this book, and the comparisons are inevitable: the first was a satisfying and compelling read, but THIS one was vivid, even more compelling, and possibly life-changing. The difference? McBride's tale of a woman who ran away from Orthodox Judaism to marry a black man and raise twelve children made her into the sort of curiosity that makes people waggle their eyebrows and sigh "some people are strange. . ." McBride's mother was beyond the pale of my experience. But author Dolores Johnson could have sat beside me in any school classroom. She could have been my friend, my neighbor -- and her life experience would have directly contradicted all those who smugly declare that racism came to an end in America in the 1960's. To read her memoir is to clearly understand just how much people of color are up against in our country.
Johnson writes about her own mother, a white woman who married a black man in 1943, and simply disappeared from her white family, leaving them to believe she had died rather than run the risk of breaking the law against miscegenation Indiana. She writes of her Black father who took comfort in whiskey when rage and frustration could find no safe outlet. Her parents raised three children in Buffalo, NY who ran the gamut of racial identifications and challenges: one son "looked white", one son was clearly Black, and the daughter was somewhere in between (but relished and valued her perceived Blackness). She also shares her own experiences, which are quite vivid: "code switching" between her white honors school classes and the joyfully raucous "ghetto bus" that carried her home each day. The guidance counselor who told her in 1965, "Oh no, Dolores, colored girls don't go to college." University degrees and a business management job that did not save her from a cross burning on the lawn of her first home in Louisiana in 1975. The fact that most of the Black men in her life died young.
And yet the thrust of this book is much more than this litany of (well deserved) grievances about what racial discrimination does to people -- it is also the tale of the author's determined search to discover, know and finally understand her mother's white family. The fact that she did manage to engineer a reconciliation, and that she and her mother then had 26 years to enjoy this other side of their family makes it a hopeful read. The author's own daughter seems to travel successfully between both worlds, both cultures as well. I have to hope that in time more and more people will bridge this awful divide and that we will learn to live together as we should.
Johnson writes about her own mother, a white woman who married a black man in 1943, and simply disappeared from her white family, leaving them to believe she had died rather than run the risk of breaking the law against miscegenation Indiana. She writes of her Black father who took comfort in whiskey when rage and frustration could find no safe outlet. Her parents raised three children in Buffalo, NY who ran the gamut of racial identifications and challenges: one son "looked white", one son was clearly Black, and the daughter was somewhere in between (but relished and valued her perceived Blackness). She also shares her own experiences, which are quite vivid: "code switching" between her white honors school classes and the joyfully raucous "ghetto bus" that carried her home each day. The guidance counselor who told her in 1965, "Oh no, Dolores, colored girls don't go to college." University degrees and a business management job that did not save her from a cross burning on the lawn of her first home in Louisiana in 1975. The fact that most of the Black men in her life died young.
And yet the thrust of this book is much more than this litany of (well deserved) grievances about what racial discrimination does to people -- it is also the tale of the author's determined search to discover, know and finally understand her mother's white family. The fact that she did manage to engineer a reconciliation, and that she and her mother then had 26 years to enjoy this other side of their family makes it a hopeful read. The author's own daughter seems to travel successfully between both worlds, both cultures as well. I have to hope that in time more and more people will bridge this awful divide and that we will learn to live together as we should.
July 11, 2020
There in that South Carolina gas station, I was Black, according to my family, society's one drop rule, and my government-issued birth certificate. It was the culturally and legally ridiculous to wonder if I wasn't. Because the biological fact of my birth was completely beside the point and counted for nothing. My beloved mother is white.
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Thoughts~
What an incredible memoir!
I found this facinating and relevant. It exposes the ugly truths and realities of racism's history in America. Johnson's mother and father were wed in a time where race-mixing could result in jail time. They then fled and married in sectet. With vivid honesty Johnson shares of her life and experiences being a biracial harvard educated, business woman in America and the challenges she has faced. She is also very candid about being raised by a White mother and a Black father. It was really interesting all her families histories. I dont want to spoil anything but digging into her ancestry stirred up some very unsettling facts. Highly recommend checking this one out!
•
Thank You to the publisher for sending me this book opinions are my own.
•
For more of my book content check out instagram.com/bookalong
•
Thoughts~
What an incredible memoir!
I found this facinating and relevant. It exposes the ugly truths and realities of racism's history in America. Johnson's mother and father were wed in a time where race-mixing could result in jail time. They then fled and married in sectet. With vivid honesty Johnson shares of her life and experiences being a biracial harvard educated, business woman in America and the challenges she has faced. She is also very candid about being raised by a White mother and a Black father. It was really interesting all her families histories. I dont want to spoil anything but digging into her ancestry stirred up some very unsettling facts. Highly recommend checking this one out!
•
Thank You to the publisher for sending me this book opinions are my own.
•
For more of my book content check out instagram.com/bookalong
October 28, 2020
I’m so glad I read this. A fantastic book.
Read
June 18, 2020Thank you Chicago Review Press for the gifted book.
All of us want to know our history, where our parents and grandparents come from to better come to terms with our sense of self and identity. To feel a sense of kinship to generations that have come before us. The author was motivated like many Black people to trace her ancestry before DNA kits could be sent to your home or before you could go to ancestry.com to get started for free. Roots by Alex Haley (excellent book BTW) sparked a longing in many people like Johnson.
So imagine her surprise to find out her father was married to someone before her mother, that her grandmother on her father's side was a victim of plantation rape. That was only the beginning for her. She had an epiphany when she saw the family tree on her mother's side was empty. Her mother, who was white, ran away, abandoning her family and to marry a Black man, at a time when interracialmarriage was against the law in many places in the US. Those who did so could face imprisonment, violence and much much worse.
Learning about Johnson's upbringing, the frustration her father felt at being mistreated because he was black and because he was married to a white woman. He coped by being a functioning alcoholic working everyday to take care of his family. Being pulled over by racist policeman, degraded in front of his wife and children.
Equal opportunity racism, from black people & from white people, showing how racism isn't limited to one people against another people. And the things Johnson learned about herself, trying to understand her mix raced identity. Code switching to go from one world to another. But understanding the magnitude of not allowing race to define her and taking what she learned from both her parents to raise a daughter who didn't get stuck thinking she had to pick a side. She could just be a person.
Thoroughly enjoyed this one.
All of us want to know our history, where our parents and grandparents come from to better come to terms with our sense of self and identity. To feel a sense of kinship to generations that have come before us. The author was motivated like many Black people to trace her ancestry before DNA kits could be sent to your home or before you could go to ancestry.com to get started for free. Roots by Alex Haley (excellent book BTW) sparked a longing in many people like Johnson.
So imagine her surprise to find out her father was married to someone before her mother, that her grandmother on her father's side was a victim of plantation rape. That was only the beginning for her. She had an epiphany when she saw the family tree on her mother's side was empty. Her mother, who was white, ran away, abandoning her family and to marry a Black man, at a time when interracialmarriage was against the law in many places in the US. Those who did so could face imprisonment, violence and much much worse.
Learning about Johnson's upbringing, the frustration her father felt at being mistreated because he was black and because he was married to a white woman. He coped by being a functioning alcoholic working everyday to take care of his family. Being pulled over by racist policeman, degraded in front of his wife and children.
Equal opportunity racism, from black people & from white people, showing how racism isn't limited to one people against another people. And the things Johnson learned about herself, trying to understand her mix raced identity. Code switching to go from one world to another. But understanding the magnitude of not allowing race to define her and taking what she learned from both her parents to raise a daughter who didn't get stuck thinking she had to pick a side. She could just be a person.
Thoroughly enjoyed this one.
August 3, 2020
Insightful memoir on race, family and identity.
April 18, 2021
Dolores Johnson, born of a white mother and a Black father, decides as an adult that in order to understand her life completely she needs to learn about her white ancestors. Her mother Ella, very gradually and with great hesitancy unfolds the story. Ella fell in love with Charles and due to racist attitudes and laws in their native Indiana, the couple moves to Buffalo NY, where, as the book painfully details, there was still plenty of racism. Dolores makes a phone call, which becomes a meeting, which unleashes a flood of learned history and love. Through much sadness, these strong, resilient women are welcomed back and experience over two decades of open arms and open attitudes. Very highly recommended.
June 13, 2020
What an amazing story. I kind of feel that I can't properly review it without spoilers. All of the histories of the people in this book were fascinating. The author's parents were brave for marrying in the 40s and the author herself was quite a pioneer for women in the late 60s, let alone a black woman. I actually cried during the pivotal scene between mother and her sister.
June 3, 2020
A must read that openly speaks to a family memoir that engages the reader on a courageous, alarming journey that no family should have to endure. SAY I'M DEAD, A Family Memoir of Race, Secrets and Love is about the commitments to love that overturned generations of fear, secrets, separation and sacrifice. A brave, stoic, woman shares an intense lifelong struggle spanning across three generations. Hoping Oprah has her eyes on this!
October 22, 2020
If you are looking for a book to help you understand the Black experience in this country, look no further than Dolores Johnson’s memoir. Without being overly sentimental it nevertheless will make you weep, make you angry and break your heart while eventually warming your heart. You will become a book evangelist recommending this book to all your friends.
March 31, 2020
Dolores Johnson’s remarkable and moving memoir captures the stark and ugly realities of racism in this country by describing the impact of a marriage between a black man and white woman in the 1940s – Johnson’s parents – at a time when this love expressed openly in the state in which they lived would have resulted in a multi-year prison sentence for both of them. Johnson, using searing honesty and unflinching details, tells of her own experiences as a black and then biracial woman in this country and how her sense of identity was both challenged and forged. The author’s desire to learn more about the white side of her family leads to decades held secrets revealed and a moving portrayal of forgiveness, understanding and love. A must read.
September 5, 2020
During the 1940s, it was better to disappear or die than break anti-miscegenation laws. When Dolores wants to search for her white mother’s estranged family, “Say I’m Dead,” is what her mother tells Dolores to say should she find them. The prose is clear, sharp, and insightful, and the writer’s quest to find the truth about her family is as gripping as any mystery. Through one family’s story, the memoir explores the tragedy of how racism divides us and also how one family moves beyond fear and bias. A must-read memoir for readers interested in a daughter’s courageous search for her history, which is inextricably intertwined with the story of race in America.
July 31, 2020
This book is terrific. A page turner that will make you cry at times, and yet also laugh out loud. The author, whose mother is white and whose father is black, sets off on a quest to find out more about her racial identity. In the process, Ms. Johnson illuminates so much about how racism has seeped into every corner of this country, poisoning people as well as communities. And yet, it also offers characters (richly drawn) who show grace and love and transcend expectations. This book is just what we need right now.
April 10, 2020
Coming out this June, an artful, kickass family story. Not to be missed. Honored to have read this memoir, which chronicles a tragic and important part of our history. A must-read, for sure. I can't wait to buy my copy and additional copies to gift. It's THAT good.
July 11, 2020
This is by far the best book I've read this year and one of the most well-written memoirs I've read of all time. It is written with so much care, authenticity, and vivid language that it takes the reader on a story of falling in love, living in constant danger, and teetering between identities as a biracial child many years before being biracial was "accepted" by most. E. Dolores Johnson paints pictures of two Indiana's, one that is full of beauty, tight-knit and homogeneous communities that live an honest life and raise their children in a white world with limited mixing with Black people. And another where Black people struggle to make an honest living and are regularly terrorized and sometimes lynched for being Black. And somehow, a white woman and a Black man find their way to each other and are able to fall in love, relocate to New Jersey, start a family and stay together through racism, being rejected by Black and white people alike, and having all odds against them.
Then E. Dolores paints the picture of growing up biracial and having situations where people mistake her for being white and speak with open disgust about Black people in front of her. The isolation of growing up in a family that predates the legality of interracial marriage is a huge burden to carry but she overcomes it anyway and thrives despite it all. It really opened my eyes to the experience of multiracial children and adults and the many challenges and frustrations they face in having to constantly explain or defend their identities, or be forced to choose a side.
I enthusiastically recommend this book, it gives a very personal take on the lived experience of racism in America and how love can be the strength one needs to overcome any obstacle or challenge.
Then E. Dolores paints the picture of growing up biracial and having situations where people mistake her for being white and speak with open disgust about Black people in front of her. The isolation of growing up in a family that predates the legality of interracial marriage is a huge burden to carry but she overcomes it anyway and thrives despite it all. It really opened my eyes to the experience of multiracial children and adults and the many challenges and frustrations they face in having to constantly explain or defend their identities, or be forced to choose a side.
I enthusiastically recommend this book, it gives a very personal take on the lived experience of racism in America and how love can be the strength one needs to overcome any obstacle or challenge.
October 18, 2021
“Say I’m Dead” is an important book for my generation, the same generation as author E. Dolores Johnson. Dolores’ white mother and black father were married in the 1940s, the same decade as my white parents. Dolores, who is mixed race but identifies as black, is just a few years older than me. I grew up in a post-war suburban melting pot of mostly European ethnicities, plus a few Hispanic families, but no blacks. The racism I witnessed was limited to verbal slurs. But Dolores’ family, as painfully detailed in her book, experienced racial hatred all too often. As Dolores writes on Page 141, in the late 1970s after she and her husband, for their own safety, were forced to leave the city where they had bought their first home: “It had taken that long for us to reconcile to America’s truth, that racism is embedded in the country’s fabric, down in the marrow of the malicious, the unaware and the disinterested.” Later, Dolores tracked down the white family her mother abandoned decades earlier in order to marry the black man she loved. Dolores seemed surprised that the white family showed no prejudice toward its previously unknown interracial relatives. Indeed, the estranged family members — white and black — developed a warm, lasting relationship. Still, in the closing pages, Dolores' view is that any progress in racial relations is insufficient, that “racial strife, still dominates American life. . . . Our intrinsically white supremacist culture, which wants to keep their race pure and in power, makes that clear every day. Because of them, all of us mixed, black, and brown families will necessarily protect ourselves by remaining vigilant and fighting everything from microaggressions to police shooting unarmed minorities.” I’m sad she reached that conclusion.
September 22, 2020
This book was interesting to me from so many angles - Black and White interactions in the US, 1960's history, genealogy. It is an honest and personal story written by Dolores, the child of a mixed race (black, white) marriage from the 1960's prior to when mixed race marriage was illegal. It looks at the personal ramifications experience by Delores and her family from almost every angle: A white woman marrying a black man, his black community judging her and her sacrifice of her life as a "white" woman. Their mixed race children who had to determine where they fit, "who they were" in a world that most saw them as black, some saw the lighter skinned children as "white", the children themselves who saw themselves in mixed ways without an identity that was typically accepted except in mixed race families like their own and very isolated socially because of that. It portrays their life, not just as a set of facts, but with nuances that others, white or black, might not really understand or "see". Delores who had been inspired by "Roots" to find out who her people were, and where she cam from, found an entire side of her family tree totally unknown to her. When she realized that all of her mother's white relatives had never been a part of her life, she wanted to find out about that part of her family history, about what that made her and who she was. Her mother, who had long ago left her family, told Delores to "tell them I'm dead" if they asked about her. A truly engrossing, heartfelt story.
September 27, 2021
This is the heartbreaking story of what led Dolores's mother to abandon without a word her own white family to marry a Black man in 1943. The couple moved from Indiana to New York where interracial marriages were legal and raised 3 children with only the father's family for support. She never looked back at her own loved ones. Dolores shares her experiences growing up with discrimination and prejudices that also could come from the Black community. As a career woman in Louisiana in the 1970s, the experiences are horrifying. Civil rights had not yet made an impression, although she was hired by a mostly-white firm. In the late 1970s she wanted to know something about her white relatives and began genealogical digging, much against her mother's wishes. Finally she found the courage to make a phone call and was welcomed by a surviving aunt. But the deal with her Mom was she had to lie and say that Ella was dead. The reasoning behind her mother's wishes is painful, so it is a relief that the story does have a happy ending. Everyone should have the right to live with a loving family and good neighbors, and Dolores gives hope for that as she ends her book with a broader story of greater acceptance now of interracial or multi-cultural marriages. Positive news, as I know several wonderful people with interracial families.
June 2, 2020
I loved this book because E. Dolores Johnson has a unique perspective on race. With powerfully written scenes, she tells how her black father and white mother ran away to secretly marry in a time when race-mixing was punishable by imprisonment and even lynching. Through out “Say I’m Dead” Johnson educates and enlightens the reader by vividly portraying racially formative experiences as a girl in the 1950s, a Howard and then Harvard University student, and a professional who watched from her window as a cross burned on her front lawn. Not one to be victimized, Johnson bought a gun and learned how to use it. I saw what life was like during the latter half of the 20th century for a smart, ambitious mixed-race woman hell-bent on achieving both personal and professional goals. But Johnson’s story goes deeper. She confides honest and complicated feelings about being raised black with a white mother, and the life-changing events that unfolded when she discovered ancestry she didn’t know existed. I came away from “Say I’m Dead” with a better understanding of the disparities mixed-race people in America have lived with, and sadly continue to experience. Yet the end gives us hope, finishing with the affection and healing that can take place if given the opportunity.
July 11, 2020
Black or white, young or old—-this book is worth reading for everyone. Through a very personal lens we see the life of a mixed-race family and how it is impacted by this country’s racial codes. In E. Dolores Johnson’s Say I'm Dead, her black father and white mother are forced to flee racist Indiana to live freely as a married couple, yet we learn that the white man who raped her black great-grandmother faced no consequences.
We see how their decision impacted their lives and how each family member dealt with the racial attitudes they encountered, both within the black community where they lived and the larger white world they had to live in to survive. What happens when you don’t fit neatly into either world? What strategies must you develop to maintain your sense of self and personal worth?
The author takes us on this journey in a down-to-earth, accessible way in what often reads like a detective story because she doesn’t know what’s around the next corner. This is ultimately a story of her personal courage to discover and confront her own history. It is a story of personal victory and growth in a country that is often blind to the hurts it inflicts daily in large and small ways.
We see how their decision impacted their lives and how each family member dealt with the racial attitudes they encountered, both within the black community where they lived and the larger white world they had to live in to survive. What happens when you don’t fit neatly into either world? What strategies must you develop to maintain your sense of self and personal worth?
The author takes us on this journey in a down-to-earth, accessible way in what often reads like a detective story because she doesn’t know what’s around the next corner. This is ultimately a story of her personal courage to discover and confront her own history. It is a story of personal victory and growth in a country that is often blind to the hurts it inflicts daily in large and small ways.
March 9, 2022
his is a memoir of the author, E. Dolores Johnson, whose mother was white and her father was black. They left Indianapolis, without telling her mother and father they had met and with to Buffalo. It against for black and white people to marry. The town was segregated and the races did not mingle back then. The misecenation laws an instant arrest back then. they were not turned over until the time that I was two years.
The author was inspired by the series and she researched her father's family to back to their roots. Then she wanted to find out about her mother's lineage. Her mother had neve told her about her family. Her mama did not want to tell her anything. Finally, she told her dathter that if she did go back to Indiana, she was to tell the relatives that she was dead.
The author tells her story for racial identity and culture, finding unexpected results from her discoveries.
This book is a wonderful contrast of black and white culture. The past is tragic and so much remains today, The author is a bridge between two races. Difficult things have happened the past and still are today but it helps for people to be open to learn about each other and hopefully come to acceptance eventually. We must try.
The author was inspired by the series and she researched her father's family to back to their roots. Then she wanted to find out about her mother's lineage. Her mother had neve told her about her family. Her mama did not want to tell her anything. Finally, she told her dathter that if she did go back to Indiana, she was to tell the relatives that she was dead.
The author tells her story for racial identity and culture, finding unexpected results from her discoveries.
This book is a wonderful contrast of black and white culture. The past is tragic and so much remains today, The author is a bridge between two races. Difficult things have happened the past and still are today but it helps for people to be open to learn about each other and hopefully come to acceptance eventually. We must try.
August 13, 2023
I rarely give a book a 5, but this one educated me on what it actually feels like to be a black person (or a mixed race one) in America's south.
Say I'm Dead is a fascinating biography of an educated American woman whose parents fled Indianapolis in the 1940s rather than being gaoled or attacked for marrying, she a white woman and he a black man.
Their daughter graduates, marries a black man and gets a good job in a New York company but they accept a transfer to Baton Rouge Louisiana in the 1970s, beginning an unending period of discrimination and harassment, including the old flaming cross of the Ku Klux Klan hammered into their lawn when they take up occupancy of their newly bought house. The first house they chose, on a new estate, was eliminated when the salesman refused to sell to a black man, on the grounds that the rest of the houses would be unsaleable. The part about the 1940s was shocking enough but not unexpected, however the terrors they experienced in the 1970s knocked me for six. It is an eye-opening book, at least it is for me.
Say I'm Dead is a fascinating biography of an educated American woman whose parents fled Indianapolis in the 1940s rather than being gaoled or attacked for marrying, she a white woman and he a black man.
Their daughter graduates, marries a black man and gets a good job in a New York company but they accept a transfer to Baton Rouge Louisiana in the 1970s, beginning an unending period of discrimination and harassment, including the old flaming cross of the Ku Klux Klan hammered into their lawn when they take up occupancy of their newly bought house. The first house they chose, on a new estate, was eliminated when the salesman refused to sell to a black man, on the grounds that the rest of the houses would be unsaleable. The part about the 1940s was shocking enough but not unexpected, however the terrors they experienced in the 1970s knocked me for six. It is an eye-opening book, at least it is for me.
September 10, 2020
When Dolores Johnson got interested in genealogy, she concentrated on her father's family. She was an interracial child with a black father and white mother. She had grown up with her father's mother and knew relatives on her father's side, but did not know anything about her mother's family. When she told her mother she wanted to find out about her side of the family, Delores and her brothers were amazed at the story her parents told them about having to flee Indiana if they wanted to get married. They went to Buffalo, New York and married there, but it meant that her mother had to leave home and never be in contact with her family again. At first, Delores' mother did not want her to explore her white roots. Delores herself was fearful because of the way she had always been treated by white people. When she did make contact with a relative in Indiana, she was surprised by their reaction.
May 19, 2023
I am not a huge memoir fan but this one was last months book for a book club I am in. It is a very good look at racism in the USA--not just in the south but in Indiana (where I live). It is horrifying to know how the KKK and racism were so strong in Indiana that a young white woman who falls in love with a black man feels she has to leave the state and let her family think she is dead/missing rather than telling them the truth. I felt so bad for her family though thinking she was dead--I kept wondering why she could not have sent a letter from somewhere on her journey telling them she was ok and not to come looking for her at least. One of the children they have is the author and is about her journey of learning about the white side of her family. I just wish I could say this is all in the past--and I do know we have made tremendous strides in our country but sadly we are going backwards at this time.
July 3, 2020
An urge to find her "white family" and explore her identity leads Johnson on a quest and kicks off her powerful and moving memoir. Through her story I learned about the history of anti-miscegenation laws in the U.S. In fact, Johnson's parents paved the way for my marriage to a Vietnamese-American. My daughter, like Johnson's grandson, is growing up in a different world, a world, however, in which we still have much to do to dismantle systemic racism. The sad fact is that the harassment Johnson's family faces in one scene, in which the police pulls over the family in their car, hasn't changed. I admired Johnson's courage to face herself and her family's secrets. The love that fills the pages—between husbands and wives, sisters and brothers, mothers and daughters—gave me hope that despite America's ingrained racism and white supremacy, we'll find a better way forward.
August 20, 2022
Dolores Johnson's memoir about her quest to know her mother's family is a wrenching look at race in America and within the self. Johnson spends as much time investigating her own story--that of a daughter of a white mother and a black father who saw herself only as black during her childhood in Buffalo--as she does the secret of her parents' union, which started in Indianapolis when antimiscegenation were still in place. Their story, and thus, their daughter's, is rife with secrets, threats, isolation, addiction...and love. This is as fine an exploration of racism and ideas about race in this country as their is. It is heartbreaking, heartwarming, and thought-provoking.
This book will appeal to those who are interested in memoir, stories of family secrets, race, segregation, and family mysteries.
This book will appeal to those who are interested in memoir, stories of family secrets, race, segregation, and family mysteries.
July 13, 2020
An engaging and eye-opening memoir! Dolores Johnson tells a story of growing up in a multiracial family, asserting her right to achieve professional success, and searching for the wholeness of her identity in the complex and changing world of race. I loved the way Johnson wove together the details of her life, moving back and forth through a chronology of personal experiences and reflections on the lives of family members. The memoir is enriched by its value as an historical document of merit on its own. There is much to be learned from Johnson's story about the history of racism and racial thinking and the shifts over time in ideas about interracial relationships and families. As a white woman of similar age as the author, I learned a lot from this memoir that led me to reflect on my own experiences and challenges which never had the overlay of race.
Johnson's prose is well crafted, and she handles narration and dialogue with an engaging style. As a college professor, I have taught a course on cultural memoir a number of times. Johnson's book would be an excellent source in classes dealing with race that are taught in English, history, and sociology departments.
Johnson's prose is well crafted, and she handles narration and dialogue with an engaging style. As a college professor, I have taught a course on cultural memoir a number of times. Johnson's book would be an excellent source in classes dealing with race that are taught in English, history, and sociology departments.
July 14, 2020
I just finished reading Say I'm Dead: a Family Memoir of Race, Secrets, and Love for the second time because it's that good. When was the last time you did that?
With her distinctive American voice telling the story, Dolores Johnson is a witness to our nation's history, and a seeker after the truth about much that even now we'd like to keep unacknowledged. Told through a deeply complex family's experience over many generations, her personal story is one of inherited pain and confusion, yet it's ultimately rooted in a legacy of honesty and the loving courage of her forebears. Don't be surprised if you too find yourself inside it.
(Other reviewers have provided a fine synopsis above--no need to do so in this review).
With her distinctive American voice telling the story, Dolores Johnson is a witness to our nation's history, and a seeker after the truth about much that even now we'd like to keep unacknowledged. Told through a deeply complex family's experience over many generations, her personal story is one of inherited pain and confusion, yet it's ultimately rooted in a legacy of honesty and the loving courage of her forebears. Don't be surprised if you too find yourself inside it.
(Other reviewers have provided a fine synopsis above--no need to do so in this review).
July 19, 2023
This was a beautiful memoir, laid out in such a thoughtful, reflective way. It was heartbreaking but hopeful. So many sections resonated with me, including the fact that I am at least twenty years the author’s junior yet I’ve had experiences with race that aren’t as different from hers as they should have been.
Johnson’s mother’s story is incredible and the fact that she kept it a secret for so long is even more so.
Johnson is clear-eyed as she looks back on her life growing up as mixed race, explores the different ways that people face this, and reflects on the complexities that affect how each individual handles their racial identity.
This book really touched me and will stay with me for quite a while.
If you have
Johnson’s mother’s story is incredible and the fact that she kept it a secret for so long is even more so.
Johnson is clear-eyed as she looks back on her life growing up as mixed race, explores the different ways that people face this, and reflects on the complexities that affect how each individual handles their racial identity.
This book really touched me and will stay with me for quite a while.
If you have
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