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Alfa Cadı'ya Veda: Güçlü ve Feminen Bir Kadın Olmanın Sırları
Güçlü ve feminen bir kadın olmanın sırları… “Güçlü olmak hanımefendi olmak gibidir. İnsanlara bir hanımefendi olduğunuzu söylemek zorunda kalıyorsanız, muhtemelen güçlü değilsinizdir.” Margaret Thatcher Erkeklerin hüküm sürdüğü dünyada gerekirse tırnaklarımızı ve sivri topuklarımızı göstererek gücümüzü kanıtlamayı öğrendik. Modern dünyada kadınların sesi daha çok çıkıyor, sözü dinleniyor. Ancak bu noktaya gelene kadar verdiğimiz savaşın bir bedeli oldu: Çoğumuz kadın olduğumuzu unutmak zorunda kaldık! Oysa kadınsı yanlarımızı reddetmeden ayakta kalabiliriz. Bu kitabın yazarları Rebecca ve Christy, feminen doğasını yok sayan ve bu durumu içselleştiren, dolayısıyla hayatını fark etmeden zora koşan, giderek daha çok mutsuzlaşan, stres yüklenen kadınlara sesleniyor: “Hanımlar, içinizdeki Alfa Cadı sayesinde mücadele etmeyi, ayakta kalmayı öğrendiniz, ama artık nasıl gelişeceğimizi keşfetme zamanı geldi. İçsesiniz sizi huzura, keyfe ve barışa çağırıyor, ona kulak vermek için ne duruyorsunuz, hemen bu kitabı okumaya başlayın!”
192 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2012
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271 people want to read
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December 11, 2012
Upon spotting a picture of some female celebutante reading “Taming Your Alpha Bitch” and falling head over heel for the stiletto cover art, I purchased a copy. I’m not sure whether it was because I’d just read Mindy Kaling’s amusing “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” and a collection of Jhumpa Lahiri’s powerful short stories back-to-back (it was apparently female Indian-American author week), but I thought I was in for a series of funny tales of modern womanhood. Instead, I unwittingly delved into my first self-help book. I realized my mistake when the fabulous satirical punchline I eagerly anticipated didn’t materialize on the second page. Refusing to let Amazon pocket my $9.84, I resolved to withhold judgment. Like Britney Spears’s teenage chastity vow, it didn’t last long. About three minutes later I turned to my husband and announced, “This may be the single most sexist document I’ve ever read.” Now, keep in mind that I once scanned a summary of arguments cited in opposition to the Nineteenth Amendment, including that giving women the right to vote would unfairly advantage married men (you know, by giving them two votes). After finishing the book, I can say I’m doubly shocked. First, it is indeed terribly, inexcusably sexist as well as totally out there in a sort of new-agey, clean-hippie fashion. Second, my self found it helpful anyway.
Whitman and Grado write, “[M]ore and more of us are approaching our education, our careers, and even our love lives with [a] harsh ‘pit bull’ kind of attitude.” They describe this “masculine tactic” as “action-oriented, externally focused, and domineering” while the “softer, feminine nature” with which we need to reconnect “is inwardly centered, being-oriented, collaborative, and cocreative.” According to the authors, women must turn away from “[m]asculine energies such as assertiveness, control, and tenacity,” and toward “the feminine energies such as trust, surrender, and faith,” assessing “a situation [not] from the standpoint of ‘What’s in it for me?’ . . . [but] from the standpoint of ‘How can I serve?’” After all, they soothingly coo, this “tough-girl routine is only a facade that we use to hide our insecurities and camouflage our inner doubts.”
Let’s suspend disbelief (and outrage) for a moment and turn to the specifics. The authors identify four types of “Alpha Bitch” and then describe how each type interacts in public, in the workplace, in her marriage, as a mother, and as a friend. “The Forceful Alpha uses bullying and intimidation, the Controlling Alpha becomes overbearing and micromanaging, the Competitive Alpha can be relentless and underhanded, and the Disruptive Alpha resorts to attention-seeking behaviors.” I readily admit that I fit each of these molds in numerous ways; but in many respects, not so much (e.g., I do “motor[] down the aisles [of the grocery store], unconcerned that [I’m] plowing over others’ toes,” but I don’t steamroll my husband and his restaurant suggestions). In the workplace, however, I commit pretty much all of the enumerated sins. I refuse to lavish praise on “good tries” in order to foster creativity (preferring to maintain high expectations), assert my opinions relentlessly and without apology, aspire to be at least as good as the best performers, and call attention to my achievements. According to Whitman and Grado, this means I “throw [my] weight around like a man.”
Stating that this “behavior[ is] always triggered by the . . . perception that there are simply not enough love, attention, money, or other resources to go around,” they recommend we pitbulls instead “place . . . faith in a force greater than ourselves to coordinate the events of our lives. Instead of feeling that we alone must work to fulfill our dreams, we can . . . choos[e] to really feel []our desire as already attained” and then “sit back and watch the magic unfold with the help of the universe.” To which I respond, in the deafening, drawn-out collective bellow of a thousand drunken college football fans contesting a referee’s release of the yellow flag, “BUUUUUUUULLSHIT! BUUUUUUUULLSHIT! BUUUUUUUULLSHIT!”
More specifically, I identify two large, stinking piles of excrement produced by male bovine animals. First, why would any of this behavior be okay for men but not for women? The only evidence offered to support a distinction is a biological imperative for men to behave like hunters and women like gatherers. Like the six-dollar Whole Foods cheese I can get at Target for two, I just don’t buy it. I believe that the failings discussed and lessons proffered apply to any “Alpha” person, regardless of gender. Unfortunately, that change alone wouldn’t redeem the book. The second lump of doodoo reeks of petula oil. Resources are scarce despite all the warm, fuzzy new-age speak to the contrary, particularly in the workplace. Both men and women believe that “if we’re going to get anywhere in this world, we had better learn how to throw our weight around,” because under Whitman and Grado’s definitions of “throwing” and “weight,” it’s largely true.
With those humongous caveats registered, however, I did find value in the book. Perhaps it’s because I can use their assistance becoming a “Femininely Empowered Woman,” or maybe, as my bridesmaid-turned-editor posited, “these fools were just rambling about a lot of shit and happened to say a few useful things simply by virtue of the fact that they wrote 200 pages.” I’m horrified to admit I lean toward the former explanation after distilling mumbo jumbo like “become skilled in the art of attuning our thoughts and emotions with the universal laws that govern manifestation” into Whitman and Grado’s baseline recommendations for Alphas: “surrender . . . addiction to control,” “[v]iew[] others not as threats but as sources of inspiration,” “let[] go of drama,” and “focus on what we can give, rather than on what we can take.” A handful of their specific assertions also resonated with my omnipresent desire to become a better relative and friend:
- “[T]ry not to jump to conclusions. Ask yourself if there is another way to look at the situation, or a logical reason for the other person’s behavior.”
- “When we find ourselves slipping into disrespectful . . . behaviors, we must learn to take this as a sign that we are feeling underappreciated and undernourished, and in desperate need of our own attention.”
- When you start to manage others’ actions, thinking you’re being helpful, you actually send the message: “You are incompetent and untrustworthy; therefore, I must take control.”
As I attempted to separate the book’s wheat from the monstrous amount of chaff, distill it, and tentatively sip the vodka (don’t worry, Celiacs can drink metaphorical grain alcohol), I tried a little experiment. Before reading the book, I left the house every weekday at 8:45 and walked to the gym, arriving precisely at 9:00 when the daycare opens. I hired a babysitter two mornings a week, starting at 9:45. Now there’s no way in “h” “e” double hockey stick that I would pay someone to sit around and wait for me. Thus, I used to exercise until precisely 9:35, collect the kids, and j-walk (or, in reality, j-run) in order to return home in time; breathless and stressed, but on time. After reading “Taming Your Alpha Bitch,” I asked the babysitter to come at 10:00. I now stop and wait at each light. Whitman and Grado can’t convince me that relaxing and letting the universe (a.k.a. the Seattle Department of Transportation Traffic Management Signal Operations Group) determine how quickly I walk gets me home just as fast. It doesn’t. But, like the eight dollar Whole Foods cheese that goes unrivaled at Target, I’m willing to pay for something that makes my life a little more pleasant.
I feel compelled, however, not to “end on a pro” as veterans of sorority rush say. Let there be no mistake: this self-help book dressed up in sexy garb is 5% helpful, 5% harmless but annoying new-age speak, and 90% reprehensible sexist bullshit.
Whitman and Grado write, “[M]ore and more of us are approaching our education, our careers, and even our love lives with [a] harsh ‘pit bull’ kind of attitude.” They describe this “masculine tactic” as “action-oriented, externally focused, and domineering” while the “softer, feminine nature” with which we need to reconnect “is inwardly centered, being-oriented, collaborative, and cocreative.” According to the authors, women must turn away from “[m]asculine energies such as assertiveness, control, and tenacity,” and toward “the feminine energies such as trust, surrender, and faith,” assessing “a situation [not] from the standpoint of ‘What’s in it for me?’ . . . [but] from the standpoint of ‘How can I serve?’” After all, they soothingly coo, this “tough-girl routine is only a facade that we use to hide our insecurities and camouflage our inner doubts.”
Let’s suspend disbelief (and outrage) for a moment and turn to the specifics. The authors identify four types of “Alpha Bitch” and then describe how each type interacts in public, in the workplace, in her marriage, as a mother, and as a friend. “The Forceful Alpha uses bullying and intimidation, the Controlling Alpha becomes overbearing and micromanaging, the Competitive Alpha can be relentless and underhanded, and the Disruptive Alpha resorts to attention-seeking behaviors.” I readily admit that I fit each of these molds in numerous ways; but in many respects, not so much (e.g., I do “motor[] down the aisles [of the grocery store], unconcerned that [I’m] plowing over others’ toes,” but I don’t steamroll my husband and his restaurant suggestions). In the workplace, however, I commit pretty much all of the enumerated sins. I refuse to lavish praise on “good tries” in order to foster creativity (preferring to maintain high expectations), assert my opinions relentlessly and without apology, aspire to be at least as good as the best performers, and call attention to my achievements. According to Whitman and Grado, this means I “throw [my] weight around like a man.”
Stating that this “behavior[ is] always triggered by the . . . perception that there are simply not enough love, attention, money, or other resources to go around,” they recommend we pitbulls instead “place . . . faith in a force greater than ourselves to coordinate the events of our lives. Instead of feeling that we alone must work to fulfill our dreams, we can . . . choos[e] to really feel []our desire as already attained” and then “sit back and watch the magic unfold with the help of the universe.” To which I respond, in the deafening, drawn-out collective bellow of a thousand drunken college football fans contesting a referee’s release of the yellow flag, “BUUUUUUUULLSHIT! BUUUUUUUULLSHIT! BUUUUUUUULLSHIT!”
More specifically, I identify two large, stinking piles of excrement produced by male bovine animals. First, why would any of this behavior be okay for men but not for women? The only evidence offered to support a distinction is a biological imperative for men to behave like hunters and women like gatherers. Like the six-dollar Whole Foods cheese I can get at Target for two, I just don’t buy it. I believe that the failings discussed and lessons proffered apply to any “Alpha” person, regardless of gender. Unfortunately, that change alone wouldn’t redeem the book. The second lump of doodoo reeks of petula oil. Resources are scarce despite all the warm, fuzzy new-age speak to the contrary, particularly in the workplace. Both men and women believe that “if we’re going to get anywhere in this world, we had better learn how to throw our weight around,” because under Whitman and Grado’s definitions of “throwing” and “weight,” it’s largely true.
With those humongous caveats registered, however, I did find value in the book. Perhaps it’s because I can use their assistance becoming a “Femininely Empowered Woman,” or maybe, as my bridesmaid-turned-editor posited, “these fools were just rambling about a lot of shit and happened to say a few useful things simply by virtue of the fact that they wrote 200 pages.” I’m horrified to admit I lean toward the former explanation after distilling mumbo jumbo like “become skilled in the art of attuning our thoughts and emotions with the universal laws that govern manifestation” into Whitman and Grado’s baseline recommendations for Alphas: “surrender . . . addiction to control,” “[v]iew[] others not as threats but as sources of inspiration,” “let[] go of drama,” and “focus on what we can give, rather than on what we can take.” A handful of their specific assertions also resonated with my omnipresent desire to become a better relative and friend:
- “[T]ry not to jump to conclusions. Ask yourself if there is another way to look at the situation, or a logical reason for the other person’s behavior.”
- “When we find ourselves slipping into disrespectful . . . behaviors, we must learn to take this as a sign that we are feeling underappreciated and undernourished, and in desperate need of our own attention.”
- When you start to manage others’ actions, thinking you’re being helpful, you actually send the message: “You are incompetent and untrustworthy; therefore, I must take control.”
As I attempted to separate the book’s wheat from the monstrous amount of chaff, distill it, and tentatively sip the vodka (don’t worry, Celiacs can drink metaphorical grain alcohol), I tried a little experiment. Before reading the book, I left the house every weekday at 8:45 and walked to the gym, arriving precisely at 9:00 when the daycare opens. I hired a babysitter two mornings a week, starting at 9:45. Now there’s no way in “h” “e” double hockey stick that I would pay someone to sit around and wait for me. Thus, I used to exercise until precisely 9:35, collect the kids, and j-walk (or, in reality, j-run) in order to return home in time; breathless and stressed, but on time. After reading “Taming Your Alpha Bitch,” I asked the babysitter to come at 10:00. I now stop and wait at each light. Whitman and Grado can’t convince me that relaxing and letting the universe (a.k.a. the Seattle Department of Transportation Traffic Management Signal Operations Group) determine how quickly I walk gets me home just as fast. It doesn’t. But, like the eight dollar Whole Foods cheese that goes unrivaled at Target, I’m willing to pay for something that makes my life a little more pleasant.
I feel compelled, however, not to “end on a pro” as veterans of sorority rush say. Let there be no mistake: this self-help book dressed up in sexy garb is 5% helpful, 5% harmless but annoying new-age speak, and 90% reprehensible sexist bullshit.
March 16, 2024
What an unfortunate waste of my time. I’m convinced a man who feels inferior to strong willed women wrote this book. I’m fully offended by the attack this book made on my personality. I really was expecting so much better out of this book.
February 18, 2012
Taming Your Alpha Bitch, by Rebecca Grado and Christy Whitman, reinforces what we've known for decades, ladies. Every advancement we've made, every step towards equality in the work force, in politics, even at home, have been hard-fought and well-earned; sometimes at the expense of our emotional and physical well-being.
All too often, our accomplishments leave us with that "glass half-empty" feeling, and we end up pushing too hard, along with assuming the Alpha Bitch mindset which, ironically, takes away our power rather than enriching it.
Enter Taming Your Alpha Bitch!
Whether you're a Forceful, Controlling, Competitive, or Disruptive Alpha, you'll find wonderfully detailed questions and answers to assist you in identifying your particular type in order to soften and improve your approach to life. Helpful Tips on dealing with work, home, or your partner are placed in each chapter along with easy-to-follow exercises.
You can even download a free meditation guide on the website: http://tamingyouralphabitch.com/homep...
If you find yourself barking up the wrong tree, Taming Your Alpha Bitch will teach you how to Wag more and bark less.
All too often, our accomplishments leave us with that "glass half-empty" feeling, and we end up pushing too hard, along with assuming the Alpha Bitch mindset which, ironically, takes away our power rather than enriching it.
Enter Taming Your Alpha Bitch!
Whether you're a Forceful, Controlling, Competitive, or Disruptive Alpha, you'll find wonderfully detailed questions and answers to assist you in identifying your particular type in order to soften and improve your approach to life. Helpful Tips on dealing with work, home, or your partner are placed in each chapter along with easy-to-follow exercises.
You can even download a free meditation guide on the website: http://tamingyouralphabitch.com/homep...
If you find yourself barking up the wrong tree, Taming Your Alpha Bitch will teach you how to Wag more and bark less.
March 16, 2013
The book became very repetitive, which made it boring after 50 pages. The bottom line is have common sense.
April 20, 2019
I was not sure what i would get from this book. I was pleasantly surprised in that the authors advocate releasing the hard-driven woman you may have become in favor of a more balanced woman. They state that there are many downsides to being an alpha. They show how by releasing your inner bitch you can enjoy a more relaxing and fulfilled life.
The authors have provided corresponding resources on their website. The resources include quizzes and lots of exercises.
The authors have provided corresponding resources on their website. The resources include quizzes and lots of exercises.
June 24, 2019
Didn't manage to finish the whole book as it was a holiday read borrowed from the cabin where I was staying and simply ran out of time. To be fair, I'm not too fussed about not finishing it. Although I do get the occasional controlling alpha moments, I am not an extreme case and I didn't really need any 'taming' but I can see how this would be useful to some women.
February 15, 2021
Might be a good book for real alpha bitches but maybe less interesting for regular women that do not relate to this 'kind' of woman. Expected a few more useful insights for also "regular" women that just want to become more feminine.
Could be useful for alpha women nevertheless.
Could be useful for alpha women nevertheless.
August 30, 2018
I didn't like it. I'm sure its a great book for someone but it just wasn't what I was looking for.
April 2, 2020
I needed this kick in my alpha pants. Thanks for speaking my language!
March 24, 2020
The book revealed my bad behaviors to myself and explained the reasons for these unsavory behaviors. In order to change, one has to first become aware of what needs changing and the book made me completely aware of who I am. All in all, this book was great! I newly discovered that there is power in femininity, and I'm not talking about the sensual or sexual kind. What I take away from the book is a new belief that I no longer have or need to be aggressive, forceful, controlling and ultra-competitive (all masculine behavior). I am now starting to believe that I can take a much calmer approach to life and still accomplish my goals. This is a very powerful belief and I feel very good about this. I will go back to this book over and over again until this belief is completely ingrained in me. I look forward to leading a less stressful, less frustrating and more pleasant life.
March 28, 2012
This one had so much potential but really lacked substance. I found this read to be short, flat and hokey, and reading it almost made me want to be more of an alpha bitch. Most of the advice was the stereotypical female stuff--do yoga, take a bath, drink tea, be nicer, go on a goddess retreat...and they make the claim that the universe is filled with abundant resources and if we wait calmly and patiently enough good things are just bound to happen. Some of the examples cited were completely ridiculous and the same tired mantras were repeated on almost every page.
It's a good idea, as I think all female leaders need a little advice on being more balanced in being strong and assertive. This book was just filled with terrible execution. Save your time.
It's a good idea, as I think all female leaders need a little advice on being more balanced in being strong and assertive. This book was just filled with terrible execution. Save your time.
March 19, 2012
I have many many books, but the best ones I eagerly wait for are the ones spirit drops at my feet. This happened when a friend Rebecca Grado unexpectedly offered me a copy of her book. Taming Your Alpha Bitch. How to be Fierce AND Feminine (and get everything you want) by Rebecca Grado and Christy Whitman …Ladies this book is for you! If you’re truly ready to step into your feminine power and apply it to every area of your life, e.g. Career, Family, Relationships, Friendships and more…than tame down your alpha bitchness( we know who we are :-D) and step into your true authentic power with this book.
March 28, 2012
I applaud the authors for their insight that women have been denying their innate femininity in a quest to secure all the privileges men have enjoyed in the corporate world. Women have been suffering from both physical and emotion setbacks from the misguided attempt to act like a man. Their book was well written, engrossing, and funny. Great book!!!!
August 12, 2016
Ok, for the disclaimer, my mom gave me this to read (hm, did she mean anything by it??? rawr! hiss!)
I didn't get much out of this, but only because I have been moving in this direction already. I would have been moved more if I had read it 5-10 years ago.
I didn't get much out of this, but only because I have been moving in this direction already. I would have been moved more if I had read it 5-10 years ago.
Want to read
January 29, 2012This looks fun - one year my New Year's resolution was to be the gentler Joanne - maybe the Alpha Witch needs taming! If she goes, I will miss her!
Want to read
February 28, 2012this book is verry good. i like the way it is written. it's a pretty good book overall. :)
June 5, 2013
couldn't finish it
Want to read
June 24, 2016Hot to be a fierce and feminine...and getting anything you want! #biography #history #nonfiction
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews