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Your Turn: How to Be an Adult
New York Times bestselling author Julie Lythcott-Haims is back with a groundbreakingly frank guide to being a grown-up
What does it mean to be an adult? In the twentieth century, psychologists came up with five markers of finish your education, get a job, leave home, marry, and have children. Since then, every generation has been held to those same markers. Yet so much has changed about the world and living in it since that sequence was formulated. All of those markers are choices, and they’re all valid, but any one person’s choices along those lines do not make them more or less an adult.
A former Stanford dean of freshmen and undergraduate advising and author of the perennial bestseller How to Raise an Adult and of the lauded memoir Real American , Julie Lythcott-Haims has encountered hundreds of twentysomethings (and thirtysomethings, too), who, faced with those markers, feel they’re just playing the part of “adult,” while struggling with anxiety, stress, and general unease. In Your Turn , Julie offers compassion, personal experience, and practical strategies for living a more authentic adulthood, as well as inspiration through interviews with dozens of voices from the rich diversity of the human population who have successfully launched their adult lives.
Being an adult, it turns out, is not about any particular checklist; it is, instead, a process, one you can get progressively better at over time―becoming more comfortable with uncertainty and gaining the knowhow to keep going. Once you begin to practice it, being an adult becomes the most complicated yet also the most abundantly rewarding and natural thing. And Julie Lythcott-Haims is here to help readers take their turn.
What does it mean to be an adult? In the twentieth century, psychologists came up with five markers of finish your education, get a job, leave home, marry, and have children. Since then, every generation has been held to those same markers. Yet so much has changed about the world and living in it since that sequence was formulated. All of those markers are choices, and they’re all valid, but any one person’s choices along those lines do not make them more or less an adult.
A former Stanford dean of freshmen and undergraduate advising and author of the perennial bestseller How to Raise an Adult and of the lauded memoir Real American , Julie Lythcott-Haims has encountered hundreds of twentysomethings (and thirtysomethings, too), who, faced with those markers, feel they’re just playing the part of “adult,” while struggling with anxiety, stress, and general unease. In Your Turn , Julie offers compassion, personal experience, and practical strategies for living a more authentic adulthood, as well as inspiration through interviews with dozens of voices from the rich diversity of the human population who have successfully launched their adult lives.
Being an adult, it turns out, is not about any particular checklist; it is, instead, a process, one you can get progressively better at over time―becoming more comfortable with uncertainty and gaining the knowhow to keep going. Once you begin to practice it, being an adult becomes the most complicated yet also the most abundantly rewarding and natural thing. And Julie Lythcott-Haims is here to help readers take their turn.
496 pages, Hardcover
First published April 6, 2021
315 people are currently reading
8823 people want to read
About the author
Julie Lythcott-Haims
9 books380 followersJulie Lythcott-Haims is the New York Times bestselling author of How to Raise an Adult and Real American. She holds a BA from Stanford University, a JD from Harvard Law School, and an MFA from California College of the Arts. She resides in the Bay Area with her partner, their two itinerant young adults, and her mother.
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December 28, 2022Sometimes I don’t read books because of their content. Sometimes, the purpose of reading a book is to be a guide while I’m reflecting on some topic or theme. It doesn’t really matter whether the book is good or bad. The point is that the book is about the thing I’m thinking about all the time anyway, so it makes for a nice companion. David wrote an essay once called “Reading as meditation”. That’s what I’m talkin’ bout.
That was the case with Your Turn. Earlier this year I was thinking a ton about what it means to be away from the context of a university. The university gave me everything I needed: a social community, friends who live closeby, regularly scheduled events I don’t have to organize myself, easy access to food and healthcare, a fulfilling work environment, and far more. I didn’t realize how much of it was missing until it was gone. I started my first “real world” job under highly adverse conditions: during the height of a pandemic, living in an apartment that I didn’t love, working over Zoom with people being a manager/administrator for the first time, not being able to see family due to health complications and COVID.
At first, I thought that this feeling of isolation and atomization was a function of the pandemic. I reasoned that when the pandemic restrictions lifted, I would be back to having a bustling social life, playing piano whenever I felt like it, and seeing friends all the time. But this did not happen. Friends who were once undergraduate or graduate students were now adults with jobs. People started to have their own apartments and the idea of just hanging out with your friends every day in shared houses no longer seemed to be a thing. Unlike doing academic research or even teaching, my job actually affected real people in life, and the deadlines were meaningful and consequential. I was running an organization where I was responsible for hundreds of people’s experience and well-being. We invented programs that were made legitimate only by our own conviction in them. There were no adults in the room; I was the adult in the room. I couldn’t just work anymore according to my own whims and inspiration; I had to learn to collaborate with other people and make my neuroses compatible with theirs.
More than anything else, I felt like some sort of protective safety net that existed in undergrad and grad school had disappeared, and I was somehow on my own. I desperately wanted a campus, a common room, a student center, anything. I desperately wanted to be ambiently seeing people and running into people all the time, without having to proactively make plans. But this era was behind me. I’ve come to realize that this was not a function of COVID; it’s more a fact of adult living, at least here in North America.
Frustrated by this state of affairs, I made a number of pretty drastic life decisions in December 2021. I decided to apply to a PhD, left my apartment, ended my relationship, quit my job, and temporarily moved back home. When I was rejected from that PhD program a couple months later I felt even more uncertain and lost. What did it mean to live life in the absence of a pre-established context like a PhD program? Who am I outside the container of academia? It was all I was used to.
I decided to travel to British Columbia to visit some of my closest friends. In the airport I was scrolling through Libby to see available audiobooks and found this book, Your Turn. It looked cheesy. It was cheesy. But hey, books aren’t always about getting the information. Sometimes reading is meditation.
I took two main things from this book. The first is that being an adult is about learning how to fend for yourself, and the second is that you must play an active role in shaping your life to be how you want it. The first one is straightforward. You gotta know how to take care of yourself. Finances, health, hygiene, clothing, employment, housing, general logistical and administrative competence. I have found that with each passing year I get better at taking care of these things and developing personal systems for making them happen efficiently. I have increasingly many opinions about, like, skincare products and clothes and credit cards and apartment design, which is a good sign.
The second one is more interesting to me: taking an active role in designing every part of your life. Gone are the days where everybody follows a similar path: school, marriage, kids, similar job for life, stable living situation, etc. Everything is now in question. For better or worse, we’re in a new economic and social paradigm. We need to be adaptable to change and learn how to exercise agency in the world. There is no “autopilot”. I need to get over this idea of having plans that just magically appear without my making them. I cannot just let the whims of the PhD admissions system dictate how I’m going to live my life.
There is almost a “life impostor syndrome” here. Who am I to be allowed to just make whatever decisions I please? You’re telling me I can travel whenever I want, work whenever I want, actually do whatever I want? I do not need to actually obey the strictures of an academic calendar, or need external justifications for the things I do? I can, in principle, do anything I want? I dunno man. Seems kinda sus to me.
Another thing about being a grown-up, which I realized from my job but really internalized afterwards: you gotta get used to being the adult in the room. When everyone else is looking around for the person who is gonna be responsible for the situation, you gotta be that person. This is a skill that needs to be cultivated. It takes practice to actively take responsibility and be accountable to the world around you. But it feels increasingly important.
I honestly have no clue whether any of these things are actually discussed in the book. For all I know, the ideas I’ve discussed here each got, like, one line, and I am extrapolating based on the things I was thinking about. I’m not gonna give it a numerical ranking because I’m talking far more about my own life here than I am about the book.
But my take-home message is: I gotta focus intensely on taking the reins of my own life. I need to shape the environments that will help me feel fulfilled, actively surround myself with the people that I love and a make deliberate, conscious effort to spend lots of time with them, do the projects and work that I most want to do, develop systems that my the administrative aspects of my life as painless as possible, and be a person who readily takes responsibility and initiative. Of course, this is not a massive personality shift for me. I already behave this way to some degree. But this is an ideal towards which I want to strive.
Examples of things that I did during this time to actualize these goals:
- Added “gifts” to my budget for the year as an item I want to maximize spending on (e.g. it’s in the section that also has “RRSP” instead of the section that has “frivolous trinkets”)
- Made a list of people in my life I want to spend more time with and made an active effort to repair relationships that felt important to me
- Planned and executed about 4 months of travel with no external impetus (e.g. summer break from school), motivated only by my own desire to bike and see friends I hadn’t seen in a while and perform comedy and go to concerts
- More actively took on a mentorship role in a number of contexts. Embraced the idea of being a manager/leader as an independent skill to be cultivated, and not incompatible with a person who creates stuff
- Making and sending Christmas/holiday/Hanukkah bookmarks to like 100 people with personalized messages (lemme know if you want one!!)
- Got more serious about my hair and skincare routines
Do you follow me on Goodreads to know that my skin has never looked better? Probably not. But honestly it’s great. Shout out to Eucerin, they’re truly real ones.
That was the case with Your Turn. Earlier this year I was thinking a ton about what it means to be away from the context of a university. The university gave me everything I needed: a social community, friends who live closeby, regularly scheduled events I don’t have to organize myself, easy access to food and healthcare, a fulfilling work environment, and far more. I didn’t realize how much of it was missing until it was gone. I started my first “real world” job under highly adverse conditions: during the height of a pandemic, living in an apartment that I didn’t love, working over Zoom with people being a manager/administrator for the first time, not being able to see family due to health complications and COVID.
At first, I thought that this feeling of isolation and atomization was a function of the pandemic. I reasoned that when the pandemic restrictions lifted, I would be back to having a bustling social life, playing piano whenever I felt like it, and seeing friends all the time. But this did not happen. Friends who were once undergraduate or graduate students were now adults with jobs. People started to have their own apartments and the idea of just hanging out with your friends every day in shared houses no longer seemed to be a thing. Unlike doing academic research or even teaching, my job actually affected real people in life, and the deadlines were meaningful and consequential. I was running an organization where I was responsible for hundreds of people’s experience and well-being. We invented programs that were made legitimate only by our own conviction in them. There were no adults in the room; I was the adult in the room. I couldn’t just work anymore according to my own whims and inspiration; I had to learn to collaborate with other people and make my neuroses compatible with theirs.
More than anything else, I felt like some sort of protective safety net that existed in undergrad and grad school had disappeared, and I was somehow on my own. I desperately wanted a campus, a common room, a student center, anything. I desperately wanted to be ambiently seeing people and running into people all the time, without having to proactively make plans. But this era was behind me. I’ve come to realize that this was not a function of COVID; it’s more a fact of adult living, at least here in North America.
Frustrated by this state of affairs, I made a number of pretty drastic life decisions in December 2021. I decided to apply to a PhD, left my apartment, ended my relationship, quit my job, and temporarily moved back home. When I was rejected from that PhD program a couple months later I felt even more uncertain and lost. What did it mean to live life in the absence of a pre-established context like a PhD program? Who am I outside the container of academia? It was all I was used to.
I decided to travel to British Columbia to visit some of my closest friends. In the airport I was scrolling through Libby to see available audiobooks and found this book, Your Turn. It looked cheesy. It was cheesy. But hey, books aren’t always about getting the information. Sometimes reading is meditation.
I took two main things from this book. The first is that being an adult is about learning how to fend for yourself, and the second is that you must play an active role in shaping your life to be how you want it. The first one is straightforward. You gotta know how to take care of yourself. Finances, health, hygiene, clothing, employment, housing, general logistical and administrative competence. I have found that with each passing year I get better at taking care of these things and developing personal systems for making them happen efficiently. I have increasingly many opinions about, like, skincare products and clothes and credit cards and apartment design, which is a good sign.
The second one is more interesting to me: taking an active role in designing every part of your life. Gone are the days where everybody follows a similar path: school, marriage, kids, similar job for life, stable living situation, etc. Everything is now in question. For better or worse, we’re in a new economic and social paradigm. We need to be adaptable to change and learn how to exercise agency in the world. There is no “autopilot”. I need to get over this idea of having plans that just magically appear without my making them. I cannot just let the whims of the PhD admissions system dictate how I’m going to live my life.
There is almost a “life impostor syndrome” here. Who am I to be allowed to just make whatever decisions I please? You’re telling me I can travel whenever I want, work whenever I want, actually do whatever I want? I do not need to actually obey the strictures of an academic calendar, or need external justifications for the things I do? I can, in principle, do anything I want? I dunno man. Seems kinda sus to me.
Another thing about being a grown-up, which I realized from my job but really internalized afterwards: you gotta get used to being the adult in the room. When everyone else is looking around for the person who is gonna be responsible for the situation, you gotta be that person. This is a skill that needs to be cultivated. It takes practice to actively take responsibility and be accountable to the world around you. But it feels increasingly important.
I honestly have no clue whether any of these things are actually discussed in the book. For all I know, the ideas I’ve discussed here each got, like, one line, and I am extrapolating based on the things I was thinking about. I’m not gonna give it a numerical ranking because I’m talking far more about my own life here than I am about the book.
But my take-home message is: I gotta focus intensely on taking the reins of my own life. I need to shape the environments that will help me feel fulfilled, actively surround myself with the people that I love and a make deliberate, conscious effort to spend lots of time with them, do the projects and work that I most want to do, develop systems that my the administrative aspects of my life as painless as possible, and be a person who readily takes responsibility and initiative. Of course, this is not a massive personality shift for me. I already behave this way to some degree. But this is an ideal towards which I want to strive.
Examples of things that I did during this time to actualize these goals:
- Added “gifts” to my budget for the year as an item I want to maximize spending on (e.g. it’s in the section that also has “RRSP” instead of the section that has “frivolous trinkets”)
- Made a list of people in my life I want to spend more time with and made an active effort to repair relationships that felt important to me
- Planned and executed about 4 months of travel with no external impetus (e.g. summer break from school), motivated only by my own desire to bike and see friends I hadn’t seen in a while and perform comedy and go to concerts
- More actively took on a mentorship role in a number of contexts. Embraced the idea of being a manager/leader as an independent skill to be cultivated, and not incompatible with a person who creates stuff
- Making and sending Christmas/holiday/Hanukkah bookmarks to like 100 people with personalized messages (lemme know if you want one!!)
- Got more serious about my hair and skincare routines
Do you follow me on Goodreads to know that my skin has never looked better? Probably not. But honestly it’s great. Shout out to Eucerin, they’re truly real ones.
October 10, 2021
DNF at 52%.
This book has good advice and I wanted to like this book. The issue for me, and for many teenagers who may want to read this, is the sheer length of this book. My copy had 450+ pages with small text, with each chapter having 50 or so pages. The chapters went on for so long I was just pushing myself to finish each section. If this book was more digestible and shorter, I would've finished it, but I don't really have time for a book that I have to push myself through.
This book has good advice and I wanted to like this book. The issue for me, and for many teenagers who may want to read this, is the sheer length of this book. My copy had 450+ pages with small text, with each chapter having 50 or so pages. The chapters went on for so long I was just pushing myself to finish each section. If this book was more digestible and shorter, I would've finished it, but I don't really have time for a book that I have to push myself through.
January 12, 2021
This is the book I’ve been needing. Julie Lythcott-Haims not only opens up about her own process of “adulting,” the mistakes she made, the things she learned, and the “helpers” that guided her, but spotlights an incredible collection of humans who are doing the work to be an adult. I took so many notes during this and it’s the kind of book I’ll be coming back to often to take what I need based on what I’m facing (during this read it was the chapters in getting out of neutral and money matters). Ugh can’t express enough. Every 18-34 year old NEEDS THIS
March 6, 2021
This author is spot on. I wish I would have had this book when I was raising my children. I wish my parents would have had a book like this to teach me that there is no particular checklist in becoming an adult. It can be fun becoming an adult without following strict old fashion guidelines. I was raised to think you graduated high school, got a job, got married and started a family at a young age. I know if I had read this informative book when I was younger my life would have been different. I have a lot of anxiety and stress due to following the strict guidelines and then not really enjoying my adult life. A must read. I am going to give this book to my young adult daughter who is in college and starting out to find herself in the world. Thanks Julie Lythcott-Haims.
Read
September 15, 2021Way. too. long. (20 audio hours)
This book has lots of good content, but it gets buried by scope creep, Lythcott-Haims's commitment to including many illustrative stories, and insufficient editing. She's an excellent writer and public speaker with great life experience, and I wish she had kept a tighter focus and saved some of this book's content for a subsequent book.
This book has lots of good content, but it gets buried by scope creep, Lythcott-Haims's commitment to including many illustrative stories, and insufficient editing. She's an excellent writer and public speaker with great life experience, and I wish she had kept a tighter focus and saved some of this book's content for a subsequent book.
August 2, 2021
*I won this ARC as a part of a Goodreads giveaway sponsored by Henry Holt & Co. Thank you to all and any parties involved for sending this book my way!*
To start off the review, I would like to say that the way I read this book is not how I think the audience/readers should read it. In order for me to read this in time before it’s release, I read it like how you would read any fictional book that has some sort of plot: chapter after chapter after chapter. No skipping around to chapters that sparked my interest or in areas I specifically need help in, I read it in chapter order with little breaks in between. Due to this, I found it to be a lot of information to take in at once and, to put it frankly, quite boring (except for the entirety of chapter 5, I loved that one and not just because it started off with a quote from marvel hehe). However, if I were to read this in segments or just on a basis of when I need to hear the particular advice each chapter focuses on, I would have found it a lot more interesting and more helpful in those situations. Therefore, I recommend other young adults to not read this all in one shot! Look at the titles of the chapters, find what YOU particularly need advice on, and then start to read the chapter that satisfies your needs. This book has some really helpful information and I could totally see myself picking this up in the future for when I am facing certain difficulties/events in my upcoming adult life!
To start off the review, I would like to say that the way I read this book is not how I think the audience/readers should read it. In order for me to read this in time before it’s release, I read it like how you would read any fictional book that has some sort of plot: chapter after chapter after chapter. No skipping around to chapters that sparked my interest or in areas I specifically need help in, I read it in chapter order with little breaks in between. Due to this, I found it to be a lot of information to take in at once and, to put it frankly, quite boring (except for the entirety of chapter 5, I loved that one and not just because it started off with a quote from marvel hehe). However, if I were to read this in segments or just on a basis of when I need to hear the particular advice each chapter focuses on, I would have found it a lot more interesting and more helpful in those situations. Therefore, I recommend other young adults to not read this all in one shot! Look at the titles of the chapters, find what YOU particularly need advice on, and then start to read the chapter that satisfies your needs. This book has some really helpful information and I could totally see myself picking this up in the future for when I am facing certain difficulties/events in my upcoming adult life!
March 8, 2021
I won this in a goodreads giveaway. Very interesting book. I enjoyed reading it and hope to put some of the recommendations to good use!
May 6, 2021
I received an advanced copy of this book as one of Dean Julie's first freshman class at Stanford. I'm a bit older than the "recommended" age group for this book, but there is still good advice for any age here from Julie.
In the midst of my own adulting, on maternity leave with my second kid, I must admit that I've only made it through the first third if the book by this release date of April 6.
I love Julie's specific commitment to diversity and inclusion in her representation and interviews. I recognize little bits of my own life story in so many of her shared anecdotes (like the struggle of working through college while many of your wealthy peers have those hours to further their education or social standing).
I am excited to apply some of Julie's teachings to my own life and career during times of transition, and to share her knowledge with younger family members who are just starting out in their adult lives.
Edit: I have finished! This book is a great jumping off point for young adults who may be struggling to find their way in life. Even though I feel like I'm at an age where I've learned a lot of these lessons myself, I really enjoyed reading through the diverse personal stories in each chapter. There is always something be to learn, and this book is full of little surprising anecdotes and lessons.
In the midst of my own adulting, on maternity leave with my second kid, I must admit that I've only made it through the first third if the book by this release date of April 6.
I love Julie's specific commitment to diversity and inclusion in her representation and interviews. I recognize little bits of my own life story in so many of her shared anecdotes (like the struggle of working through college while many of your wealthy peers have those hours to further their education or social standing).
I am excited to apply some of Julie's teachings to my own life and career during times of transition, and to share her knowledge with younger family members who are just starting out in their adult lives.
Edit: I have finished! This book is a great jumping off point for young adults who may be struggling to find their way in life. Even though I feel like I'm at an age where I've learned a lot of these lessons myself, I really enjoyed reading through the diverse personal stories in each chapter. There is always something be to learn, and this book is full of little surprising anecdotes and lessons.
February 16, 2021
This book has been an interesting read! I think even when we age into “adult status” we still have so much room for growing and learning that we will never be true adults by any standards put in place, because adulting is different for everyone. I think this book touches on a lot of topics to muddle through the complexity of aging from young adulthood into being a “grown up” as many might say. Being a mom and was a single mom for many years, adulthood came differently to me than what I seen from my own mother and grandmother. Some days I don’t even feel like an adult, and other days I feel like I am older than I am. Having a teenager, myself I see her struggling to figure out what fits her age and trying to figure out growing up faster than she needs to and out of her comfort zones in some respects. I am passing this book on and hoping my teenage appreciates some of this and even if she doesn’t completely feel connected to all of it, she will over time. I think it is a great book to reference later, and when you work around teenagers not a bad thing to have to resource. I think Julie Lythcott-Haims has done a great job with this somewhat “how-to” guide to get through the expectations of life and guide in a way that works individually instead of just a blanket policy type guided way. Thank you Goodreads giveaways for the chance to read and pass on this book (to borrow only….) and also leave an honest review!
August 1, 2024
What does it mean to be an adult? In the 20th century, psychologists came up with 5 markers of adulthood: finish your education, get a job, leave home, marry, and have children, since then every generation has been held to those markers. Yet so much has changed about the world and living in it since that sequence was formulated. All of these markers are choices, but any one person’s choices along those lines do not make them more or less an adult.
In the noise of everyone else’s opinions, find your voice.
Stop judging your voice
Go in the direction your voice tells you to go.
You can make a difference if you try.
Don’t be daunted by what you can’t do.
Think about what you can do, and what you may be uniquely suited to do.
Start.
12 steps for adulting
1. Know that you can fend for yourself and continue to do so.
2. Focus on not being perfect, but on continually learning and growing.
3. Construct your own character
4. Figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life.
5. Look at the places that you are stuck and work on them.
6. Build good relationships with other humans.
7. Be responsible with your money.
8. Take good care of your body and mind.
9. Trust that you can and will survive the terrible things that may happen.
10. Make things better in the world somehow.
11. Be mindful, kind, and grateful whenever possible.
12. Keep going.
In the noise of everyone else’s opinions, find your voice.
Stop judging your voice
Go in the direction your voice tells you to go.
You can make a difference if you try.
Don’t be daunted by what you can’t do.
Think about what you can do, and what you may be uniquely suited to do.
Start.
12 steps for adulting
1. Know that you can fend for yourself and continue to do so.
2. Focus on not being perfect, but on continually learning and growing.
3. Construct your own character
4. Figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life.
5. Look at the places that you are stuck and work on them.
6. Build good relationships with other humans.
7. Be responsible with your money.
8. Take good care of your body and mind.
9. Trust that you can and will survive the terrible things that may happen.
10. Make things better in the world somehow.
11. Be mindful, kind, and grateful whenever possible.
12. Keep going.
April 16, 2021
Goodreads, please do not recommend this to me, an extremely mature child. I will have you know that I am already an adult because I post petty book reviews online. Okay thanks.
July 5, 2023
I bought this book for my college-aged daughter and thumbed through a few pages the other morning, which turned into 180+ pages by that afternoon. I’m a fan of Julie Lythcott-Haims. It’s a terrific book jammed with a whole lot of heart, authenticity, real stories, and practical, hands-on tips for young adults. I only wish there was a shorter version in the form of a customizable journal, especially for the end-of-chapter “unpack and reflect” questions. Insightful, funny, and compassionate!
December 22, 2021
I was excited to read this book first, and then give to my teen/emerging adult to read, as I read How to raise an adult and loved it. Also I have seen the author in other videos and talks and think she is super impressive. The book held my interest as there is much adults of any age can take from the advice and I thought the interviewee stories made their point well most of the time. Sadly I really do not think my kid would have the patience to read it or take the advice. I’m a Gen X ‘er as is this author and I think it reads too much like me giving advice and reminiscing and it’s very long. I almost think the message of this book, to be effective for the target age group, could be redone as a documentary or video series showing those young people who were interviewed, but in shorter spurts and maybe the message would get across that way.. anyway this is recommended and interesting but possibly not for the audience as intended. I learned and was inspired by the stories & loved the end with the ideas for kindness everyday. I also appreciated the attention to inclusion and feel JLH wears her heart on her sleeve when she writes, and put her all into the book and appreciate that as well.
December 5, 2021
I think I’m the wrong audience. I’m a reasonably well-functioning human being who knows and loves someone who struggles with issues this book addresses. Which is not to suggest I don’t have issues. I do. Adulting is not among them.
Liked:
• The author’s philosophy aligns well with my own, which I characterize as contemporary and informed by study, reason, and experience.
Did not like:
• I did not care for the proportion of space devoted to examples. The core narrative describes each various dilemma very well. One illustrative example per dilemma would have been sufficient.
• I found many of the examples ironically de-motivating. The heroine or hero’s accomplishment (in the end) was too Herculean for the situation in my life.
• I found her information gathering method, which I characterize as anthropological and anecdotal, un-inspiring and lacking rigor. It isn’t (and wasn’t meant to be) research. Unless serendipity is a new and acceptable research method 🤔.
• The degree of foul language. To me the use of expletives signals linguistic ignorance or audience disregard. English is rich with words which evoke emphasis and / or emotion. Expletives are a poor substitute.
Liked:
• The author’s philosophy aligns well with my own, which I characterize as contemporary and informed by study, reason, and experience.
Did not like:
• I did not care for the proportion of space devoted to examples. The core narrative describes each various dilemma very well. One illustrative example per dilemma would have been sufficient.
• I found many of the examples ironically de-motivating. The heroine or hero’s accomplishment (in the end) was too Herculean for the situation in my life.
• I found her information gathering method, which I characterize as anthropological and anecdotal, un-inspiring and lacking rigor. It isn’t (and wasn’t meant to be) research. Unless serendipity is a new and acceptable research method 🤔.
• The degree of foul language. To me the use of expletives signals linguistic ignorance or audience disregard. English is rich with words which evoke emphasis and / or emotion. Expletives are a poor substitute.
February 19, 2023
If I weren’t listening to the audio version (at 1.5 speed or faster), I don’t think I could have finished this very very long book. But I WAS listening to it and I DID finish and I am glad that I did. It was a good read that focused on self development and being a good person and the idea that adulthood needs to be created and cultivated; it doesn’t just happen. I resonated with every single chapter title and lesson she was trying to teach. I did not, however, resonate with each anecdote. I get why she included such a variety of people and situations- adulthood looks different for everyone and she tried to expand her audience- but story after story got a little boring at times and obviously contributed to the book’s unnecessary length. That said, of course, you couldn’t write a long enough book to fully teach someone how to adult. It’s a hard genre, and this author/book took a pretty successful stab at it in my opinion.
July 27, 2022
I am the exact target audience for this book. Highly recommend doing what I did and reading it with a friend
January 14, 2023
Good insights but painfully long. Good first, general introduction.
August 28, 2022
4.5 rating rounded up to 5 stars.
As far as advice books go, *Your Turn: How to Be an Adult* is really impressive. Julie Lythcott-Haims clearly cares about this and put a lot of effort into making it. A lot of her advice was helpful and well-explained, and I could see a lot of people benefit from reading about it.
The "Don't Take it From Me" sections were also really interesting, as I really like reading about ordinary (and sometimes not-so-ordinary) people doing incredible things and accomplishing things from big to small. The people Lythcott-Haims interviewed were extremely diverse, not just in identity, but in life experiences, beliefs, political affiliations, where they're from, how they met, etc. I did notice that these stories in the second half of the book were more interesting than the first half for some reason - not to discredit the first handful of stories, but some of them went on for too long.
I got this as a high school graduation gift over a year ago, and I think this book is perfect for that occasion or for someone's 18th birthday. Highly recommended.
As far as advice books go, *Your Turn: How to Be an Adult* is really impressive. Julie Lythcott-Haims clearly cares about this and put a lot of effort into making it. A lot of her advice was helpful and well-explained, and I could see a lot of people benefit from reading about it.
The "Don't Take it From Me" sections were also really interesting, as I really like reading about ordinary (and sometimes not-so-ordinary) people doing incredible things and accomplishing things from big to small. The people Lythcott-Haims interviewed were extremely diverse, not just in identity, but in life experiences, beliefs, political affiliations, where they're from, how they met, etc. I did notice that these stories in the second half of the book were more interesting than the first half for some reason - not to discredit the first handful of stories, but some of them went on for too long.
I got this as a high school graduation gift over a year ago, and I think this book is perfect for that occasion or for someone's 18th birthday. Highly recommended.
May 18, 2024
Exactly what I needed when I started, outgrown by the time I finished it
June 3, 2021
The author gives teens and young adults a good starting place to evaluate their maturity and potentially identify areas they can improve upon. That said, the book is very daunting at over 400 pages. When the book got "slow" for me, the length was an additional factor that kept me from going back. While most of the advice was good and the writing was easy to understand, there were a few negatives that detracted from the book in addition to the length. I am not the author's target audience, but at times it felt like the author tried a little too hard to relate to the audience, throwing in curse words where they really weren't needed, and sometimes the stories felt entirely beyond what applies to most readers - the ones that can't go to Ivy League schools and be mentored by the best. It was a fun read and gave good advice, and did try to overcome the author's distance from the target audience by using stories from her students and those that came from less prosperous backgrounds, but overall this book was a little bit of a struggle to get through at times due to the mentioned negatives. Give it a try if you have time, but it is not a quick read.
I received this book for free to review and am posting this review by my own choice.
I received this book for free to review and am posting this review by my own choice.
March 10, 2022
Read on Blinkist.
An interesting summary of the essential changes that is needed to become an adult. Her story about stepping up to life’s challenges felt familiar to me, as I have experienced this ‘crap - I’m on my own!’ moment quite recently.
I did find myself disappointed with the points raised, as I don’t feel that they were good advice.
One of the points was around happiness, and how other people shouldn’t get in the way of your own wellbeing. This is fine when it comes to how you look, what you eat, your hobbies. But encouraging quitting your job in order to find your passion? Real adults understand that work isn’t often absolutely fantastic but it’s essential in order to live. Only doing things you love is absolutely the opposite of what real adults have to do!!
I think the advice felt very surface level and wishy washy. There was a great opportunity here to educate and it totally missed the mark.
An interesting summary of the essential changes that is needed to become an adult. Her story about stepping up to life’s challenges felt familiar to me, as I have experienced this ‘crap - I’m on my own!’ moment quite recently.
I did find myself disappointed with the points raised, as I don’t feel that they were good advice.
One of the points was around happiness, and how other people shouldn’t get in the way of your own wellbeing. This is fine when it comes to how you look, what you eat, your hobbies. But encouraging quitting your job in order to find your passion? Real adults understand that work isn’t often absolutely fantastic but it’s essential in order to live. Only doing things you love is absolutely the opposite of what real adults have to do!!
I think the advice felt very surface level and wishy washy. There was a great opportunity here to educate and it totally missed the mark.
November 13, 2022
DNF. God, this could have been such a great book if it had just had some brutal editing. So many meandering tangents. Seven elaborate examples for every concept. It adds up. I was previewing this book, hoping to share it with my 16 & 18 year old kids. If I can’t slog through a 20 hour audiobook I know my kids won’t. It’s a shame because it really is good writing, and I love this author’s voice. It’s just too broad and too long. Would work better as two books: one streamlined version of the actual adulting suggestions, and a follow-up with all the stories of the people who exemplify each of the key concepts, for readers who want more.
dnf
September 13, 2022I'm an adult who still doesn't feel adult-y enough, so I thought of picking up this book.
However, the second chapter began with the author describing how she'd just graduated Law at Harvard and I just felt that this person couldn't possibly have the life experiences that would resonate with me and make me feel better about being lost at 25.
However, the second chapter began with the author describing how she'd just graduated Law at Harvard and I just felt that this person couldn't possibly have the life experiences that would resonate with me and make me feel better about being lost at 25.
August 26, 2021
Important for anyone over 18! Even if you already understand a 401k.
Read
March 10, 2022Adulting in the twenty-first century has less to do with cultural standards and more with being able to experience the journey on your own terms. To do this, you first need to know yourself and treat yourself well. You can’t control everything, but you can arm yourself with an empowering toolbox; this includes understanding how to fend for yourself, get unstuck, and handle money. And when the going gets tough, harnessing mindfulness, kindness, and gratitude can help turn things around. Ultimately, you’ll see that adulthood isn’t just about being able to effectively face life’s challenges; it’s also about designing a future you’re excited to be a part of.
And here’s some more actionable advice:
Be an elf.
Adulting can sometimes feel like a grind. But, as you’ve learned, being kind can have a mutually uplifting effect on the doer and receiver – so why not cut the struggle with a little spontaneous cheer? If you’re feeling down, become an elf. That is, perform a small, magical act of kindness – like anonymously paying for someone’s dinner, surprising a friend with coffee, sending a letter to a relative via snail mail, or helping carry a struggling parent’s stroller up the stairs. It shows others you care and is sure to make you smile. And anyway, the world could use a little more magic!
---
Fending for yourself means playing the game of life instead of watching from the bleachers.
The first time the author truly realized she was an adult was when all her belongings went up in flames.
At the time, she and her husband were in their 20s, and they’d decided to move to California. So they packed all their belongings into a moving truck and went to stay with the author’s parents while the truck made its way across the country. One night, at dinner, the author got a call: the truck had caught on fire. All their belongings – furniture, keepsakes, romantic letters – had burnt to a crisp.
She hadn’t felt like an adult at her wedding a few years earlier; that was just a big party involving a big dress. Adulting hadn’t happened at her bar exam; that was just another test. But in this moment, she knew she couldn’t rely on anyone else to take care of the situation – and she didn’t want them to. She somehow knew she could handle it. She was fending for herself. And that felt good.
The key message here is: Fending for yourself means playing the game of life instead of watching from the bleachers.
If you haven’t already had your fending-for-yourself moment, don’t worry – it’s coming. It’ll feel scary. You might look around for an adult. And then, suddenly, you’ll realize that adult is you!
Stepping up to face life’s challenges is both terrifying and empowering. And every time you do it, you’ll feel more capable of facing the next obstacle. You’ll see that life is like a game you’re playing. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But at least you’re not watching from the sidelines.
There are a few basics of fending: learning how to cook, practicing good hygiene, scheduling doctor and dental visits. Fending also means finding work to pay your bills, making your own decisions, and replying and showing up.
It can seem hard to take care of these orders of business if someone else has always done the tasks for you – that’s what psychologists call learned helplessness. But you need to take charge; it’s your life, not anyone else’s!
In any given situation, fending means putting together some kind of solution based on your options, capabilities, and resources. It means creating a path forward. It doesn’t mean being perfect.
---
Being an adult involves being OK with imperfection, learning from failure, and moving forward.
Many of us have an unhealthy relationship with the word perfect, often because of cultural or parental pressures. But perfect is a mirage; it’s an impossible demand, the pursuit of which is guaranteed to breed misery.
There’s only one course of action here: break up with perfection. Your dream life won’t happen because you’re “perfect”; it’ll happen through learning and growth.
The key message here is: Being an adult involves being OK with imperfection, learning from failure, and moving forward.
Society tells us the f-word is bad. No, not that one – failing. We’re also taught to avoid falling, faltering, flailing, floundering, and fumbling. But the author calls these the “Beautiful F’s.” When you release your idea of being perfect, along with your fear of shame or inadequacy, you’re free to fail – and can then figure out what you want to do next and move in that direction.
Take it from the show Game of Thrones. When Jon Snow told his mentor Ser Davos he’d failed, what did Ser Davos say? “Good. Now go fail again.” That’s because a “disastrous” experience like failing yields another f-word: feedback. Feedback teaches and enables us to move out of our comfort zone and into our stretch zone. If you hadn’t fallen – and gotten up – over and over, how would you have learned how to walk? Stay in your comfort zone and, yes, you’ll be comfy – and bored and listless as you crawl on all fours through life.
In your stretch zone, you might feel wobbly. You might not know exactly what you’re doing. But that’s OK; you’ll be cultivating a growth mindset – and thus opening life’s opportunities and your relation to them – as opposed to limiting yourself with a fixed mindset.
To start fostering a growth mindset, there are five simple mental shifts you can make: First, instead of “I’m perfect,” say, “I’m trying to get better at this.” Second, change “I’m smart” to “When I work hard at things, it pays off.” Third, “This is hard” becomes “I do hard things.” Fourth, don’t say “I can’t.” Instead, try, “ I can take the first step, and see what happens.” Finally, swap out “I suck” for “I haven’t learned how to do this yet.”
These hacks are applicable to personal, as well as work, situations. So breathe in, and out. Tell yourself you don’t need to feel “perfect” or “comfortable” to know you’re fine. You can only control your own actions and reactions. And that includes letting go.
---
Understanding how money works – and making it work for you – will help build your dream life.
In 1972, a group of children at Bing Nursery School were given one marshmallow each. If they waited 15 minutes to eat it, they were told, they'd receive a second. Some of the kids immediately devoured their treat, while others waited and got two. The professor conducting the study went on to track the kids for years; he discovered that those who’d waited for the second marshmallow went on to achieve more “success” on standardized tests, in school, and in their careers.
Money is like the marshmallows. If you conserve some now rather than consuming it all at once, a bigger payoff awaits you down the line. Money isn’t all there is to life. But it does help you lead the life you want to live – and it helps you support people and issues that are close to your heart.
The key message here is: Understanding how money works – and making it work for you – will help build your dream life.
Learning how to handle money might seem scary – but it’s not that complicated. Let’s start with the basics.
First, you need to make enough money to cover your living expenses. That number differs for each of us, but a good rule to remember is this: don’t spend more than a third of your gross monthly income – that’s your pay before taxes – on housing. That way, you’ll have enough left over for essentials like food and utilities.
Next, pay off your credit card balances each month – in full if you can – so you avoid interest fees and ensure a good credit score.
Always pay yourself first. That is, make your savings your most important expense. Set money aside to save, and put the rest of your earnings toward your other expenses – rent, food, fun, and so on.
Set up a Roth IRA to invest your savings. This is the fun part: where you make your money work for you! It all comes down to the magic of compound interest. Let the numbers speak.
Say you’re 22, and you put $1,000 into your Roth IRA account every year – that’s $83.33 per month, or just $2.77 a day – until you retire at 65. Assuming a 7 percent net average annual return, you’ll have over $283,000 at retirement.
Or maybe you’re 32 – if you start saving that same $1,000 now, you’ll end up with $136,000 at retirement. That’s a lot less than the 22-year-old – but that’s not the point! The point is, it’s a lot more money than you’d have if you hadn’t started investing at all.
Now imagine saving not just $2.77, but $10 a day. The 32-year-old would have over $498,000 available at retirement. And the 22-year-old? Over $1,034,000! Talk about savoring your marshmallows . . .
And here’s some more actionable advice:
Be an elf.
Adulting can sometimes feel like a grind. But, as you’ve learned, being kind can have a mutually uplifting effect on the doer and receiver – so why not cut the struggle with a little spontaneous cheer? If you’re feeling down, become an elf. That is, perform a small, magical act of kindness – like anonymously paying for someone’s dinner, surprising a friend with coffee, sending a letter to a relative via snail mail, or helping carry a struggling parent’s stroller up the stairs. It shows others you care and is sure to make you smile. And anyway, the world could use a little more magic!
---
Fending for yourself means playing the game of life instead of watching from the bleachers.
The first time the author truly realized she was an adult was when all her belongings went up in flames.
At the time, she and her husband were in their 20s, and they’d decided to move to California. So they packed all their belongings into a moving truck and went to stay with the author’s parents while the truck made its way across the country. One night, at dinner, the author got a call: the truck had caught on fire. All their belongings – furniture, keepsakes, romantic letters – had burnt to a crisp.
She hadn’t felt like an adult at her wedding a few years earlier; that was just a big party involving a big dress. Adulting hadn’t happened at her bar exam; that was just another test. But in this moment, she knew she couldn’t rely on anyone else to take care of the situation – and she didn’t want them to. She somehow knew she could handle it. She was fending for herself. And that felt good.
The key message here is: Fending for yourself means playing the game of life instead of watching from the bleachers.
If you haven’t already had your fending-for-yourself moment, don’t worry – it’s coming. It’ll feel scary. You might look around for an adult. And then, suddenly, you’ll realize that adult is you!
Stepping up to face life’s challenges is both terrifying and empowering. And every time you do it, you’ll feel more capable of facing the next obstacle. You’ll see that life is like a game you’re playing. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But at least you’re not watching from the sidelines.
There are a few basics of fending: learning how to cook, practicing good hygiene, scheduling doctor and dental visits. Fending also means finding work to pay your bills, making your own decisions, and replying and showing up.
It can seem hard to take care of these orders of business if someone else has always done the tasks for you – that’s what psychologists call learned helplessness. But you need to take charge; it’s your life, not anyone else’s!
In any given situation, fending means putting together some kind of solution based on your options, capabilities, and resources. It means creating a path forward. It doesn’t mean being perfect.
---
Being an adult involves being OK with imperfection, learning from failure, and moving forward.
Many of us have an unhealthy relationship with the word perfect, often because of cultural or parental pressures. But perfect is a mirage; it’s an impossible demand, the pursuit of which is guaranteed to breed misery.
There’s only one course of action here: break up with perfection. Your dream life won’t happen because you’re “perfect”; it’ll happen through learning and growth.
The key message here is: Being an adult involves being OK with imperfection, learning from failure, and moving forward.
Society tells us the f-word is bad. No, not that one – failing. We’re also taught to avoid falling, faltering, flailing, floundering, and fumbling. But the author calls these the “Beautiful F’s.” When you release your idea of being perfect, along with your fear of shame or inadequacy, you’re free to fail – and can then figure out what you want to do next and move in that direction.
Take it from the show Game of Thrones. When Jon Snow told his mentor Ser Davos he’d failed, what did Ser Davos say? “Good. Now go fail again.” That’s because a “disastrous” experience like failing yields another f-word: feedback. Feedback teaches and enables us to move out of our comfort zone and into our stretch zone. If you hadn’t fallen – and gotten up – over and over, how would you have learned how to walk? Stay in your comfort zone and, yes, you’ll be comfy – and bored and listless as you crawl on all fours through life.
In your stretch zone, you might feel wobbly. You might not know exactly what you’re doing. But that’s OK; you’ll be cultivating a growth mindset – and thus opening life’s opportunities and your relation to them – as opposed to limiting yourself with a fixed mindset.
To start fostering a growth mindset, there are five simple mental shifts you can make: First, instead of “I’m perfect,” say, “I’m trying to get better at this.” Second, change “I’m smart” to “When I work hard at things, it pays off.” Third, “This is hard” becomes “I do hard things.” Fourth, don’t say “I can’t.” Instead, try, “ I can take the first step, and see what happens.” Finally, swap out “I suck” for “I haven’t learned how to do this yet.”
These hacks are applicable to personal, as well as work, situations. So breathe in, and out. Tell yourself you don’t need to feel “perfect” or “comfortable” to know you’re fine. You can only control your own actions and reactions. And that includes letting go.
---
Understanding how money works – and making it work for you – will help build your dream life.
In 1972, a group of children at Bing Nursery School were given one marshmallow each. If they waited 15 minutes to eat it, they were told, they'd receive a second. Some of the kids immediately devoured their treat, while others waited and got two. The professor conducting the study went on to track the kids for years; he discovered that those who’d waited for the second marshmallow went on to achieve more “success” on standardized tests, in school, and in their careers.
Money is like the marshmallows. If you conserve some now rather than consuming it all at once, a bigger payoff awaits you down the line. Money isn’t all there is to life. But it does help you lead the life you want to live – and it helps you support people and issues that are close to your heart.
The key message here is: Understanding how money works – and making it work for you – will help build your dream life.
Learning how to handle money might seem scary – but it’s not that complicated. Let’s start with the basics.
First, you need to make enough money to cover your living expenses. That number differs for each of us, but a good rule to remember is this: don’t spend more than a third of your gross monthly income – that’s your pay before taxes – on housing. That way, you’ll have enough left over for essentials like food and utilities.
Next, pay off your credit card balances each month – in full if you can – so you avoid interest fees and ensure a good credit score.
Always pay yourself first. That is, make your savings your most important expense. Set money aside to save, and put the rest of your earnings toward your other expenses – rent, food, fun, and so on.
Set up a Roth IRA to invest your savings. This is the fun part: where you make your money work for you! It all comes down to the magic of compound interest. Let the numbers speak.
Say you’re 22, and you put $1,000 into your Roth IRA account every year – that’s $83.33 per month, or just $2.77 a day – until you retire at 65. Assuming a 7 percent net average annual return, you’ll have over $283,000 at retirement.
Or maybe you’re 32 – if you start saving that same $1,000 now, you’ll end up with $136,000 at retirement. That’s a lot less than the 22-year-old – but that’s not the point! The point is, it’s a lot more money than you’d have if you hadn’t started investing at all.
Now imagine saving not just $2.77, but $10 a day. The 32-year-old would have over $498,000 available at retirement. And the 22-year-old? Over $1,034,000! Talk about savoring your marshmallows . . .
September 1, 2021
Audiobook has great reflection questions at the end of each chapter. The first 2/3 of the book were great — highly relevant advice, stories, and questions. I lost interest in the last third.
Overall, this is a book that sums up most of what I’ve learned (often the hard way) over the past 15 years. Maybe my younger self would have been too arrogant to understand or fully adhere to the wisdom of this book, but if I could give myself this book to read and reread from age 20 to 30, I certainly would. I appreciated how she both conveys empathy for people whose capacity to adult has been crippled by parents who insisted on doing everything for them, and also nudges them forward with encouragement.
I probably would have been too shy to stop by Dean Julie’s office to talk to her, but after reading this book, I wish I had known how accessible she was to us. Also, her note on Inclusion is awesome and sets a powerful example.
Overall, this is a book that sums up most of what I’ve learned (often the hard way) over the past 15 years. Maybe my younger self would have been too arrogant to understand or fully adhere to the wisdom of this book, but if I could give myself this book to read and reread from age 20 to 30, I certainly would. I appreciated how she both conveys empathy for people whose capacity to adult has been crippled by parents who insisted on doing everything for them, and also nudges them forward with encouragement.
I probably would have been too shy to stop by Dean Julie’s office to talk to her, but after reading this book, I wish I had known how accessible she was to us. Also, her note on Inclusion is awesome and sets a powerful example.
Read
September 1, 2023i CONQUERED that
November 2, 2024
This book is way too long and much too general. Could’ve used another editing pass.
March 24, 2021
I thought this book was going to be for "new adults," but many of the concepts apply to any adult no matter their place in life. The Be Good, Make Things Better, and Unleash Your Superpowers chapters stuck out for me.
Some of the additional stories in the "Don't Just Take My Word For It" sections seemed to be more extra than what was needed to convey the main points. I found myself skipping a few of those, but that was because the original discussions were enough for me to reflect on the topics.
Overall, this book had me really stopping to think of ways that I can be a better adult for myself and those around me.
Some of the additional stories in the "Don't Just Take My Word For It" sections seemed to be more extra than what was needed to convey the main points. I found myself skipping a few of those, but that was because the original discussions were enough for me to reflect on the topics.
Overall, this book had me really stopping to think of ways that I can be a better adult for myself and those around me.
July 29, 2021
Lythcott-Haims gathers her wisdom from decades of adulting into this instructional sort of collection on, as the subtitle suggests, how to be an adult. Including interviews from various individuals concerning the range of topics Lythcott-Haims covers, Your Turn is a book of examples, which the author gives the reader the freedom to apply to their lives as it makes sense to them.
Lythcott-Haims's approach to adulting is an interesting one. Each of the chapters addresses a different facet of adulting, structured in such a way to suggest that the outline, as it were, is complete. While it did seem awfully thorough, I'm skeptical there could ever be anything complete. And, to be fair, I don't recall L-H explicitly saying the guide was complete (in fact, she may have even said the opposite in the introduction), but it was designed in such a way to suggest it was. L-H might have cleared this up in the final chapter with specific language about how the book's content is not exhaustive. All that aside, the topics L-H did speak to are various and, in my relatively limited experience as a real adult, reasonably relevant.
In terms of the topics individually, they vary in terms of depth of exploration. Sometimes this is for practical reasons -- a topic doesn't warrant or simply have much depth to it, for example, or a topic is so unique depending on the individual situation within that topic that to write on it at length wouldn't necessarily serve anyone. L-H refers to her own experiences fairly frequently, remarking on her privilege in many scenarios. That she addresses the existence of the privilege is useful, but her explanation of what she might have done without it (as many readers will be without it in any given situation she describes) makes it hard to implement advice or even use L-H's experiences as much of a model. In part to mitigate this, L-H conducted lots of interviews to present stories of others relevant to the topic at hand at the end of each chapter. Some of these can be unnecessarily lengthy, but they're often interesting and L-H makes a clear effort to be inclusive in her diverse selection of interviewees.
L-H's writing style is easy enough to follow along with. She's fairly conversational and accessible, avoiding getting too bogged down in technical language or descriptions, dropping a few F-bombs and other casual language, which gives the prose an air of authenticity. Meanwhile, the book is reassuring enough, sure to note that failure is part of being an adult and to get adulting right is not necessary to, well, get adulting right.
This is probably more like 3 1/2 stars than it is a strict 4 for me, largely because it was just too long. If I wasn't a never-DNF-er, I might have given up on this one, or at least skimmed more generously than I did. At the same time, L-H does cover an impressive amount of ground in this book and sets up the reader for a good amount of motivation to take on the challenges of adulthood. In fact, after years of putting off setting up a retirement account independent of my employer-contributed one, I finally got it done after finishing this book, much to its credit. Perhaps worth a read, regardless of how long you've been adult (though L-H does speak directly to younger adults quite frequently), but consider skimming for what's most relevant to you and be prepared to do plenty of reflection.
Lythcott-Haims's approach to adulting is an interesting one. Each of the chapters addresses a different facet of adulting, structured in such a way to suggest that the outline, as it were, is complete. While it did seem awfully thorough, I'm skeptical there could ever be anything complete. And, to be fair, I don't recall L-H explicitly saying the guide was complete (in fact, she may have even said the opposite in the introduction), but it was designed in such a way to suggest it was. L-H might have cleared this up in the final chapter with specific language about how the book's content is not exhaustive. All that aside, the topics L-H did speak to are various and, in my relatively limited experience as a real adult, reasonably relevant.
In terms of the topics individually, they vary in terms of depth of exploration. Sometimes this is for practical reasons -- a topic doesn't warrant or simply have much depth to it, for example, or a topic is so unique depending on the individual situation within that topic that to write on it at length wouldn't necessarily serve anyone. L-H refers to her own experiences fairly frequently, remarking on her privilege in many scenarios. That she addresses the existence of the privilege is useful, but her explanation of what she might have done without it (as many readers will be without it in any given situation she describes) makes it hard to implement advice or even use L-H's experiences as much of a model. In part to mitigate this, L-H conducted lots of interviews to present stories of others relevant to the topic at hand at the end of each chapter. Some of these can be unnecessarily lengthy, but they're often interesting and L-H makes a clear effort to be inclusive in her diverse selection of interviewees.
L-H's writing style is easy enough to follow along with. She's fairly conversational and accessible, avoiding getting too bogged down in technical language or descriptions, dropping a few F-bombs and other casual language, which gives the prose an air of authenticity. Meanwhile, the book is reassuring enough, sure to note that failure is part of being an adult and to get adulting right is not necessary to, well, get adulting right.
This is probably more like 3 1/2 stars than it is a strict 4 for me, largely because it was just too long. If I wasn't a never-DNF-er, I might have given up on this one, or at least skimmed more generously than I did. At the same time, L-H does cover an impressive amount of ground in this book and sets up the reader for a good amount of motivation to take on the challenges of adulthood. In fact, after years of putting off setting up a retirement account independent of my employer-contributed one, I finally got it done after finishing this book, much to its credit. Perhaps worth a read, regardless of how long you've been adult (though L-H does speak directly to younger adults quite frequently), but consider skimming for what's most relevant to you and be prepared to do plenty of reflection.
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