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The Resilience Project: Finding Happiness through Gratitude, Empathy and Mindfulness

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Hugh van Cuylenburg was a primary school teacher volunteering in northern India when he had a life-changing realisation- despite the underprivileged community the children were from, they were remarkably positive. By contrast, back in Australia Hugh knew that all too many children struggled with depression, social anxieties and mental illness. His own little sister had been ravaged by anorexia nervosa.

How was it that young people he knew at home, who had food, shelter, friends and a loving family, struggled with their mental health, while these kids seemed so contented and resilient? He set about finding the answer and in time came to recognise the key traits and behaviours these children possessed were gratitude, empathy and mindfulness.

In the ensuing years Hugh threw himself into studying and sharing this revelation with the world through The Resilience Project, with his playful and unorthodox presentations which both entertain and inform. Now, with the same blend of humour, poignancy and clear-eyed insight that The Resilience Project has become renowned for, Hugh explains how we can all get the tools we need to live a happier and more fulfilling life.

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First published November 19, 2019

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Hugh van Cuylenburg

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 973 reviews
Profile Image for Hannah.
122 reviews6 followers
April 12, 2021
oh boy I have a lot of thoughts about this.

First of all I don't want to take away from the work the resilence project does and downplay any help they have provided to people. This is just my personal response.

I have a real discomfort with using the life of a poor Indian boy to leverage our perception of how good we have things. The same with those who are differently abled in some way. Our sense of happiness shouldn't be reliant on those we perceive to have less than us. I say this as someone who, like the author, has partaken in precisely the same 'voluntourism' (so no judgement) he does and personally I am embarrassed by and regret it having become more educated on the matter.

The second thing that bothered me was a flippant remark that anti depressants 'dulled' his wife's feelings (or emotions, I can't recall the exact wording). As someone who used anti-depressants to bring myself out of the EXACT illness his sister suffered, I think this can be damaging. This is a bad stereotype about such medication and runs the risk of encouraging those who refuse this, at times, lifesaving medication.

I also didn't enjoy the regaling of sport and sports clubs with no insight into the cultural issues these places and environments can pose for minorities and or women. The sporting references grew tiresome at the beginning and only continued relentlessly. Yes sport can help people but it is remiss to mention that these exact environment can breed toxic behavior.
Having said that I have a real interest in positive psych and can see that Van- Culenburg has packaged it in an appealing manner for a vast audience. This book could have benefited from practical strategies beyond 'meditate' and 'gratitude' to help people apply this.
It is a good thing my maternity leave is coming to an end because I am clearly overthinking and spending too much time on everything at the moment.
Profile Image for Andrea.
1,065 reviews29 followers
October 23, 2020
Disappointingly light on substance and ridiculously heavy on sport-related anecdotes, this book doesn't know what it wants to be. Here's a tip: it's not self-help, it's memoir. If you'd like to know more about the author and the history of the project, you might find this somewhat interesting. If not, you'll probably feel short-changed like me.
Profile Image for katherine (winnie) &#x1f3f9;.
222 reviews
January 30, 2021
look. i need to get my thoughts together properly. i don’t doubt this book has helped people and this project has and does help lots of people. and that’s great. but it’s just another surface level ~be grateful and you can fight your mental illness and shit~ stuff that this white dude learnt on a trip to india. and i’m not even writing him off because he’s just some white dude who went to india lol this book goes way too into his own life then like, actual gem techniques or whatever they’re called and again it was all very surface level. i’m glad his sister is happy after what she went through but with his wife’s story too it just felt very ‘oh everything is positive just think this and do this and you can forgive abusers etc’ which i can tell is not really what he wants to put across but it is what it is and as a trauma victim/survivor it’s more complex than that WHICH HE MENTIONS but that’s it it’s literally like, a sentence, and another sentence where he says he’s not a medical professional so blah blah! but like okay??? then why did you write about trauma like that? i’m glad your sister came out of it and aced her year 13 and shit but i mean c’mon. also too many sporting references and name dropping that just went in one ear and out the other.
Profile Image for Alex.
9 reviews
March 9, 2020
Incredibly inspiring, resonated with me and with a journey I'm currently embarking on. Beautifully written, an easy read. Found myself on more than one occasion, emotionally touched by the stories in the book.
Profile Image for Bri.
12 reviews
August 30, 2021
This is an important message, particularly digestible and engaging. We could all do with a little more gratitude and empathy in our lives. I didn’t dislike this book, and it achieves it’s purpose in re-telling how the resilience project came to be.

It doesn’t, however, go beyond a surface level definition of gratitude, empathy and mindfulness, and presents some messages that lack nuance or are outright unhelpful.

For one, the resounding message reads: if you simply have a better perspective on life you will find happiness. If it were as easy as it sounds, we wouldn’t need books such as these.
The age old, “a child in India has it worse, so you should be happy” trope is employed in this vain. Van Cuylenburg fails to recognize the inherent toxic positivity of sentiments such as these, and completely misses one of the key foundations of mindfulness; an ability to accept negative emotions, and experiences, rather than shutting it down because another has it worse.
The children are described as destitute and pitiable, sleeping on the street and without running water or shoes, stripping them of their agency and dignity.
While that’s bad enough, he uses this as a device to engender guilt on the part of the reader for their years of ingratitude, again a wholly unhelpful and outdated approach.

I believe Van Cuylenburg has the right idea, but missed the mark in versing himself fully in mindfulness, and fell into the voluntourism trap while at university. From this place he advocates that a mindset shift is all it takes to find happiness. While having a positive outlook is certainly a worthy goal, it is also important to accept ourselves as we are, and have the tools to cope when we inevitably do not feel grateful or positive.

Readers can still take away a feeling of inspiration and (I hope) a curiosity to integrate a mindfulness practice into their daily lives. One thing Van Cuylenburg and I can certainly agree on is that mindfulness is an essential tool for our survival in the modern world.
4 reviews
June 13, 2021
Van Cuylenburg has three things to be grateful for every day: 1. being straight; 2. being white; 3. being male. At no point in his book does he acknowledge the privilege that gives him a head start in life. He has never had a major setback and yet here he is preaching resilience to thousands of people. Where is his empathy towards people of ethnically or culturally diverse backgrounds and people who do not identify as heterosexual or cis-gender? Such groups have higher incidences of mental health issues than the general population and instead he is spending his time with elite athletes. If he were truly passionate about this calling, he would pursue a PhD and investigate himself the efficacy of his resilience programs instead of outsourcing it. Mindfulness is more than just a practice of being in the moment; it is also about noting and observing one’s thoughts and emotions, including his innate insecurity and need for validation in the case of Van Cuylenburg. This book is not so much about teaching resilience as it is about him. Do not be fooled by this consummate humble bragger.
Profile Image for Annaleise.
297 reviews10 followers
January 1, 2020
3.5 stars. It's well presented but as with most books by people who usually speak (rather than write) I think it would come across better as a talk rather than a book. Nonetheless, it's an important message and really does make you think about why it is that we have such poor rates of mental ill-health in Australia where we are so privileged.
13 reviews
March 6, 2020
I get a sense that his talks and verbalising would be much better. Too simple language and not enough depth for me the book felt very surfacey in comparison to some of these major issues. The book is not really about the title it’s a biography of his life and the project. But nevertheless it did briefly make me think about the concepts.
Profile Image for Jessica Hayes.
10 reviews
February 8, 2020
An uplifting and simple message, however towards the end it toed the line of being self indulgent.
Profile Image for Lyn Elliott.
831 reviews239 followers
June 18, 2021
This is an easy-to-read story about how the author came to understand the importance of practice timing gratitude, empathy and mindfulness on a daily basis as as way of improving mental health, particularly in young people.

Hugh van Cuylenberg is passionate about his subject and for years has devoted his energies to spreading this message. He has developed school curriculum on resilience for at least one Australian state (Victoria), and worked with high level sporting teams in different football codes and cricket.

His style is casual, easy to read; the book a string of anecdotes illustrating how using his techniques has changed lives, even in the tough world of professional sports.

This is the publisher's blurb:
Hugh van Cuylenburg was a primary school teacher volunteering in northern India when he had a life-changing realisation- despite the underprivileged community the children were from, they were remarkably positive. By contrast, back in Australia Hugh knew that all too many children struggled with depression, social anxieties and mental illness. His own little sister had been ravaged by anorexia nervosa.

How was it that young people he knew at home, who had food, shelter, friends and a loving family, struggled with their mental health, while these kids seemed so contented and resilient? He set about finding the answer and in time came to recognise the key traits and behaviours these children possessed were gratitude, empathy and mindfulness.

In the ensuing years Hugh threw himself into studying and sharing this revelation with the world through The Resilience Project, with his playful and unorthodox presentations which both entertain and inform. Now, with the same blend of humour, poignancy and clear-eyed insight that The Resilience Project has become renowned for, Hugh explains how we can all get the tools we need to live a happier and more fulfilling life.
Profile Image for Paul (Life In The Slow Lane).
865 reviews69 followers
June 29, 2020
Imagine sitting on a bus only to discover the guy next to you is reading a book titled, “How to build an IED,” or “Paedophilia For Dummies,” or “Am I An Axe Murderer?”. You'd probably politely move to another seat, or get off the bus, and hope he doesn't follow you. So when you see someone reading a book titled, "Finding Happiness Through Gratitude, Empathy and Mindfulness" do you think, "Oh dear! I'm not sitting next to that one"?

So a friend of ours dropped this book in. “You HAVE to read this,” she said. Does this mean I'm in need of help? Does she think I'm the opposite of Grateful, Empathetic and Mindful? (Is that ungrateful, selfish and scatterbrained?) Hmm, remind me to punch her in the nose to show her how grateful I am. (Just kidding Lea.) Self-help books are a dime-a-dozen, but this one has a strong message. Yes, there's a lot of name dropping going on, and a wee bit of, “Look how great I am,” as well. Despite these pompous renderings, you should read on...after the appropriate amount of scoffing and calling out loud, "What a wanker". The actual “self help” component is finished with at 60%, then you can probably skip to the end and read the last couple of chapters. In that last 40%, the author just fills you in on how successful his business has become.

For me, the most disturbing fact Hugh raises, is the huge amount of depression, mental illness and youth suicide we have in our country, when we are such a wealthy and privileged society.

This is probably not as memorable as Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning but it is certainly worth reading, and you could probably knock it off in a week-end. More importantly, I think it will actually have a positive effect on most readers.
Profile Image for Joyce Yu.
15 reviews1 follower
June 16, 2020
This was an easy read that I enjoyed a lot. It follows the authors story more than about gratitude and mindfullness itself. At times I found the messaging on mental health simplified, but a valuable takeaway was actually the power of a story in opening people up to the concepts of mental health, and mindfulness practices everyone can adopt.

The author has clearly connected in particular with major sporting teams in rugby and the afl - unfortunately the references just fell flat on me as a non sports following person.
182 reviews1 follower
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September 26, 2021
one sigh for the virtue signaller in the arena two sighs for the others in the crowd
Profile Image for Ben.
129 reviews31 followers
December 2, 2022
If ever your own life bores you, read this book. In it, a man tells his life story and bores even himself into treating this book with the disinterest and unprofessional lack of rigor one normally only shows a personal diary.

It's got lots of anecdotes which superficially explain and recommend gratitude, empathy, and mindfulness.

For example, as the author matures from boy to man, he gains a deeper understanding of his sister's mental illness, and eventually, instead of being frightened and repulsed by her behaviour, he's awed by her resilience. His sister's story, though moving, serves zero purpose except to express the author's sibling pride and to introduce the concept of 'resilience', even though he doesn't segue from this anecdote into a discussion of resilience, nor does he ever explain in concrete, non-anecdotal terms what resilience is, why it's good, or why he's written a book about it.

Elsewhere he meets an impoverished Indian boy who, despite his poverty, is grateful for the small things in his life, such as shoes, good friends, and a ratty piece of playground equipment. The author's life-changing realization is that we should accentuate the positives in our lives. But life-changing to whom? Although it serves to be reminded of clichés from time to time, I'm sure every single reader has heard that advice before and not felt overwhelmed by its profundity..

Later, he mentions that the young boy's schoolmates meditate together for 30 minutes before school. Apparently that's what makes them such good, quiet, interested students. Apparently. And later, when the author takes up meditation himself, it makes him feel pretty good, too. And that's the beginning and the end of his dabbling in the mindfulness that's supposed to be a big part of this book.

Besides these, the author gives pep talks to elite sportsmen. Lots of pep talks. Some of them stop men from taking their own lives. But despite reminding us for hundreds of pages about giving speeches and seminars and talks and conferences, never once does he tell us what he actually talked about in them.

This book suffers from far too many personal and very often pointless anecdotes and far too little actionable advice or actual learning. After reading it, I'm unsure what purpose it serves. It just reads like (well-meant but instantly forgettable and basic) motivational speaking.
Profile Image for Jessica Fealy.
267 reviews10 followers
February 15, 2020
I loved this story, so Australian, so relevant and so necessary! Made me laugh out loud while listening on my walks and gave me so much to think about and easy ways to implement in my own life - the process of gratitude, empathy and meditation. Such a down to earth and kind bloke and loved the way he has woven his love of sports and family into this story. Highly recommend listening.
Profile Image for ruby banner.
30 reviews1 follower
June 13, 2022
I appreciate the concept but honestly it’s just a memoir with a heap of name dropping and self promotion material and I’m not even sure it get resilience right he kind of just writes himself in as a bit of a hero and centre’s himself in other peoples stories without ever acknowledging his privilege or their including any other voices at any point what so ever ?! right idea poor execution perhaps
Profile Image for Amy Gilbert.
53 reviews2 followers
January 23, 2025
I love this guy. I’m obsessed!!
Brb, going to purchase his journal!!!
82 reviews
May 11, 2022
I really enjoyed this book. What made the material most alive for me was how it unfolded through story after story. Simple, basic principles of gratitude, empathy and meditation.

My one hesitation is van Cuylenburg’s definition of empathy as: “the ability to psychologically feel what another person is feeling”. For me this is not possible. We can only feel our own feelings … and the definition here risks setting one up for burn-out/vicarious trauma.

I prefer the understanding of empathy as being able to deeply listen/offer presence to another as suggested by Marshall B Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication) and Brene Brown who says “We need to dispel the myth that empathy is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes’. Rather than walking in your shoes I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what’s it like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.”

I understand that neuroscience suggests (not definitively proves) the brain is activated differently in both approaches - the former associated with stress reaction, the latter with connection.
Profile Image for alix .
106 reviews
December 21, 2020
Everyone needs to read this or have a listen on audible. Lots and lots of life lessons addressed in this book, all of which every one of us should probably take on board. Would love to start putting the GEM method into practice!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5; this is the non-preachy “self help” book I didn’t think I needed!
Profile Image for Grady Barrett.
1 review1 follower
February 10, 2023
Definitely a great book to start a journey of self improvement, his ideas are pretty simple, but he gives easy habits to implement them in your life.

He doesn't really share his own vulnerability too often, but he shares a lot of stories from other people he's encountered that makes for a good read.

Would recommend.
Profile Image for Matt Beck.
27 reviews
May 16, 2020
It was hard to follow, and he rambled to get to his point in each chapter. Some chapter had no real purpose. There were a few good points but nothing new.
Profile Image for Catherine.
78 reviews1 follower
May 11, 2022
i saw hugh live not too long ago and thought he was an excellent speaker. i’ve seen many mental health speakers in my life and he was one of the rare ones who i genuinely thought got it and didn’t make me feel stupid.

however i sadly don’t think his message translated as well into this book as it does in his other work like the podcast or his talks which is a shame.
Profile Image for Annie Gilchrist.
8 reviews
March 18, 2024
Probably a 4.5 stars. Some parts I didn’t love but a good, motivating listen.
Profile Image for Maddie.
224 reviews46 followers
May 7, 2022
I thought The Resilience Project was okay. The positives: it has an important message (i.e. focusing on gratitude, empathy and mindfulness), it's easy to read and the author seems like a genuine guy. I also appreciated the Australian focus.

However, the book was very surface level in its approach to mental health. The 'resilience' advice didn't go beyond writing daily gratitude lists. It is also much more of a memoir than I expected, and I had limited interest in his love for sports and time working with different elite athletes (there is a LOT of name dropping). I also felt a little uncomfortable with the way he presented other people's disadvantages as a way to cultivate our own gratitude. For example, the constant focus on a young Indian student in a poor village that he met through a voluntourism trip.

I have no doubt Hugh van Cuylenburg has impacted many people through his public speaking, but I'm not sure The Resilience Project worked that well in a book format. I think it may be better received by men, just in terms of relatability, as well as those who like sports or are only looking for introductory material on mindfulness. For me, it missed the mark.
Profile Image for Natalie.
94 reviews5 followers
April 15, 2023
This book came highly recommended by people in my course last year, and I'm glad they enjoyed it and got something from it, but it just didn't quite give me what I want from this kind of book.

The first ~third was interesting (despite the obvious privilege of the author, and some slightly iffy 'wow we have it so much better than people with disabilities/in developing countries' vibes), the rest didn't really add to the book, in my point of view (except for page numbers). A lot of name-dropping of sports stars or whoever who apparently are really involved in the project/practice, and then generally what seemed like an extended CV of how many people had been involved and how, along with future plans etc. It's great that it's been useful, and it definitely is necessary for schools (and, it seems, these elite sports teams), but I think the book should've emphasised the first part, which I'm guessing is what's emphasised in the talks. I personally didn't take anything new from this book, but the project's reach and popularity could make this a good starting point for others.
17 reviews
November 22, 2023
I did not gain much at all from this book. The author spends the whole time name dropping and virtue signalling. He discusses the resilience project but gives no description of what the project or his magical tear inducing talks are about. Perhaps it was intended as an advertisement for his talks, because it does leave you wondering what the content of these apparently life changing talks are about, but certainly gives no clue of the content.

The author seems to think he has found the cure for mental illness however at the same time does not actually explore mental illness or have any qualifications or professional experience in mental illness.

Don’t bother reading it, I’ll give you the summary here - you’re not allowed to have any woes because one kid in India is worse off than you, delete addictive apps from your home screen, and practice gratitude, empathy and mindfulness (but I’m not going to tell you how).
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