Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

Kids & Sex

by Peggy Orenstein

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

Peggy Orenstein’s Girls & Sex broke ground, shattered taboos, and launched conversations about young women’s right to pleasure and agency in sexual encounters. It also had an unexpected effect on its author: Orenstein realized that talking about girls is only half the conversation. Boys are subject to the same cultural forces as girls—steeped in the same distorted media images and binary stereotypes of female sexiness and toxic masculinity—which equally affect how they navigate sexual and emotional relationships. In Boys & Sex, Peggy Orenstein dives back into the lives of young people to once again give voice to the unspoken, revealing how young men understand and negotiate the new rules of physical and emotional intimacy.

Drawing on comprehensive interviews with young men, psychologists, academics, and experts in the field, Boys & Sex dissects so-called locker room talk; how the word “hilarious” robs boys of empathy; pornography as the new sex education; boys’ understanding of hookup culture and consent; and their experience as both victims and perpetrators of sexual violence. By surfacing young men’s experience in all its complexity, Orenstein is able to unravel the hidden truths, hard lessons, and important realities of young male sexuality in today’s world. The result is a provocative and paradigm-shifting work that offers a much-needed vision of how boys can truly move forward as better men.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Feminism, Audiobook, Sexuality, Psychology, Sociology

304 pages, Paperback

First published January 21, 2020

About the author

Peggy Orenstein is a best-selling author and a contributing writer for The New York Times Magazine. Orenstein has also written for such publications as The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Vogue, Elle, Discover, More, Mother Jones, Salon, O: The Oprah Magazine, and The New Yorker, and has contributed commentaries to NPR’s All Things Considered. Her articles have been anthologized multiple times, including in The Best American Science Writing. She has been a keynote speaker at numerous colleges and conferences and has been featured on, among other programs, "Nightline," "Good Morning America," "Today," NPR’s "Fresh Air" and Morning Edition, and CBC’s "As It Happens."

Orenstein was recognized for her “Outstanding Coverage of Family Diversity,” by the Council on Contemporary Families and received a “Books For A Better Life Award” for Waiting for Daisy. Her work has also been honored by the Commonwealth Club of California, the National Women’s Political Caucus of California, and Planned Parenthood Federation of America. Additionally, she has been awarded fellowships from the United States-Japan Foundation and the Asian Cultural Council.

Born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Orenstein is a graduate of Oberlin College and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and daughter.

Reviews

[Emily May · Rating 4 out of 5]

"That's the problem," Rob said. "None of my friends talk about feelings. If you were hung up over a girl, they'd be like, 'Stop being a bitch.'"

Very, very interesting book.

I liked Boys & Sex quite a lot more than Girls & Sex, though why is a bit harder to decipher. It might be that I knew what to expect from this one— lots of anecdotes from a small(ish) sample; not really a social study with a definitive conclusion. It might be that the sample size was larger and stretched to trans boys— it felt more "with the times" than Girls & Sex, which occasionally had a dated quality to it. It might just be, simply, that this topic was more interesting to me.

When I read Girls & Sex, I had already read a lot (and experienced a lot) about girls and sex. It didn’t offer anything that fresh or interesting. Girls' sexuality might be historically repressed and shamed, but I feel like these days it is men who don’t really talk about sex (or are talked to about sex). At least not in a way that is helpful. Not in a way that really considers consent, what that means, true intimacy, and their feelings about casual hook-ups (beyond male bragging).

I know what many women think about sex and sexuality. I have read opinions from women from all over the world, across all cultures, races, religions and sexualities. I know so little about what men and boys think about sex, other than that they’re supposed to want a lot of it.

One of the things that struck me immediately - and, by her own admission, surprised the author - was how very willing all these boys were to talk about their experiences and their feelings. The author noted that it was almost as if they had been waiting their whole lives for someone to ask them, to care how they felt. That is heartbreaking. And the problem goes so deep that this book made me equal parts miserable and hopeful.

One of the major conclusions the author made early on - one that is frustrating for women like me - is how, try as we might, women are not the ones who can really make this change happen. It's going to require men to break the cycle. Fathers, male guardians and teachers, and other male role models. They need to show young boys that it's okay to be vulnerable, to talk about your feelings, to say "no" to "locker room talk". But when these adults have their own trouble expressing their emotions, how is that possible?

Not only do boys consistently look to male role models for how to behave but, as Orenstein points out, asking women to shoulder the emotional burden only perpetuates the problem. Men need to talk to one another. And that's the real challenge.

Women can help in some ways, though. One thing the author noted hit me as surprisingly true: These days, many parents are quick to correct false depictions of what it means to be a woman in media - “that Disney movie is fun, but that’s not what women really look like” (etc.) - but they don't do the same for boys. There is this strange assumption that it is primarily girls' views of the world that need correcting. Parents, in general, aren't telling boys that those tiny-waisted Disney girls have no space for a uterus or, perhaps more importantly, that porn is not a reflection of real sexual relationships. Or it shouldn't be.

However, I did have some of the same problems with this that I did with Girls & Sex. I won't spend as much time on it, but I do dislike some of the sweeping generalised claims Orenstein makes, such as that “Young American men […] receive more messages that they should conform to rigid gender roles in the home” than “other nationalities”. This is so vague. What? All other nationalities? Surely not. I really think her books would benefit from citations in the main body of text and not just a lengthy bibliography at the back.

I’m aware I’m being picky and not everyone will have this problem - in fact, some people have been irritated with me in the past for daring to have this problem - but I just think the book would be improved by better referencing and clarification. I’m still a Poli-Sci student at heart, I guess.

The main conclusion to Boys & Sex is virtually the same as Girls & Sex, and it is this: Education, education, education. Require it in schools. Talk about it at home. Not just in a one-off "The Talk", but in an ongoing, open discussion of sex, intimacy, relationships, masturbation, porn, LGBTQ+ and consent.

As someone who has seen the most sweet, open, accepting, self-proclaimed "feminist" of men retreat inside their own internalized masculine stereotypes when they get into a group of their peers, I did wonder while reading this how this change was realistically going to happen. I am comforted somewhat by the thought of how very far we’ve come with women in such a short space of time. Maybe what seems a terrifying uphill climb actually won’t take that long once the idea is allowed to flourish-- the idea that it’s okay for men to be vulnerable and talk about their feelings. I hope so. Our boys and girls deserve better.

Warnings for depictions of rape, sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, abuse and - seriously - coprophagia.

Facebook | Instagram

[Justin Tate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Checked this out to see how bad society screwed me up as a kid, and to see if it’s gotten any better for the next round. Orenstein makes many surprising discoveries during her long interview process with today’s high school and college-aged guys. Some more shocking than others.

Though it takes her a while to get there, the most eye-opening bits discuss the problematic cultural depiction of men.

We all know women are objectified on magazine covers and in movies, but how does it feel to be a boy and look at the cover of Men’s Health? To watch James Bond? She paints a surprisingly clear picture of generations of lonely boys who prefer to stay at home rather than face the world without the prerequisite 24-pack abs and million dollar car. What boys see as success is as unrealistic and unhealthy as what is depicted to girls, but--as Orenstein points out--parents rarely think it necessary to talk about.

What about porn? Surely that is nothing but a den of female objectification, right? Well, yes and no. This is another situation where Orenstein exposes an under-discussed problem. We think boys watch porn and see women as mere treats for their enjoyment, but often what they’re really seeing is a chiseled man with a 12 inch penis who seems to please women with superpower efficiency. Again, potentially devastating when their reality doesn’t, um, measure up.

Of course we also get plenty of chapters on toxic masculinity and issues of consent. The book does an excellent job of diving into the complexities of consent, what misunderstandings young people have about it, and offers some hope for the future of sex education.

The problem is that sex education in this country is still primarily about abstinance. This blows my mind and makes me sick. It made me sick back in ’05 when my sex ed class was nothing more than slideshow images of STIs and a purity pledge. Obviously there was no discussion about LGBT sex. I don’t even think they said the word “condom.”

When parents and schools are still too shy to teach sex education--real sex education--what else are kids to do but learn the hard way? And so that’s what happens. Sometimes practice makes perfect, and sometimes practice scars you for life. According to many stories in this book, practice is often happening under the influence of alcohol and drugs.

Parents looking for a resource to help them understand what is happening in the lives of their sons will be smart to read this book, even if not all of it applies. I do think it focuses primarily on extremes. Certainly not all boys are hopeless and depressed, or high and hooking up hourly, but some are. And the reasons why are pretty cut and dry. Sexuality is complicated, but it’s not that complicated. It’s certainly teachable. But for some reason we feel a moral objection to do so. Still!

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book every parent wishes they could give their son, and one every son wishes they could receive. Peggy Orenstein presents a well-researched 2020 follow-up to her 2016 "Girls & Sex". The data is incredibly current and detailed on the topics of hooking up, porn, gay trans and queer, boys of color(s), consent (both ways!), and just a better understanding of what is going through the minds of boys today, and how they can become better men for tomorrow.

The author remains professional throughout the book. There is no light humor, yet it does not just bury the reader with data. The author took some serious time to interview many boys. She was surprised how well they opened up to her. They really seemed to WANT to talk about all of these topics. They were in high school and in college. Peggy admits the limitations within her data, but at least she is putting this out!

There are many stories. It is great to hear the voices in the interviews learning from their conversations in real-time while talking to Peggy. Some have kept in touch to give status on things that had relationship conflicts when she first interviewed them.

I wish I could copy the entire final chapter right here! A great summary and reminder to take action!

I bought a hard-copy of this book after seeing a glowing review in the NY Times. I had not finished Chapter 1, when I simply gave the book to my son. He needs this right now! I then discovered an audio-book version at my local library that I have been listening to. It is extremely well read by the author, Peggy Orenstein. Her website has an extensive list of more resources: https://www.peggyorenstein.com/positi...

Ch 1: Welcome to Dick School - talks about what is 'masculinity'
Ch 2: Porn - not "if" they watch porn, but rather what porn is watched
Ch 3: Life in a Hookup Culture - hookup has a HUGE variety of meanings
Ch 4: Gay, Trans, and Queer Guys - high school can be tough; locker room talk is no excuse
Ch 5: Boys of Color in a White World - black, asian
Ch 6: Good Guys - get consent, right?
Ch 7: Do All Guys Always Want It? - girls need to ask consent too
Ch 8: Better Man - talking with parents, how to grow
Ch 9: Deep Breath - fantastic summary that promotes proactive measures, not focus on damage control after-the-fact
Notes: 21 pages citing each of the chapters specifics
Bibliography: 17 pages, totaling over 200 cited sources
Index
Website: https://www.peggyorenstein.com/positi...

[Maja - BibliophiliaDK ✨ · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS SHOULD BE MANDATORY FOR ANYONE WITH SONS - OR OTHER MEN IN THEIR LIVES

Okay, so I don't have a son. But I do know several men. And I really feel like this book has made me understand them better. Often, when we talk about feminism and equality, we have a tendency to look a the female experience. Which is a mistake, because the male experience is just as important - and in some ways just as flawed. Learning how these young men are trying to navigate ideas of 'masculinity' and gender norms really opened my eyes to some new issues.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

For my entire life I've heard, "boys are easier to raise." This book shows, through interviews with college age men, boys are not easier to parent than girls, most people just aren't parenting them. Many of your sons are engaging in a culture of homophobia, misogyny, and assault, all of which they're almost never held accountable for by their peers, parents, law enforcement, and even the author of this book at times.
I personally hated reading this book for several reasons. Mainly, because, though there were a few minorities represented, it was largely a parade of white, middle to upper class bro athletes who don't hold themselves or their peers accountable for their behavior, who never consider their sexual partners' wants or feelings and who think saying f** is a hilarious joke. These are the type of men I have avoided for most of my life and I had to be surrounded by them every time I picked up this book, which filled me with near constant disgust.
I wish Orenstein had included more men like the ones I associate with, men who have, by no mistake, escaped this toxic bro culture. Their stories were largely missing from this book and could benefit the parents and young men who might read this. I also wish Orenstein had more to say about what the men she included are doing and how they and their parents and educators can do better.

[Kimberley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having read Orenstein's "Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape", two things came immediately to mind about her latest venture, 1) she made sure to be a lot more inclusive in her selection of interviewees, and 2) she pulled together a lot more resources.

While "Girls & Sex" was certainly a good place to start, Orenstein fell short in allowing the research to speak for itself; there was often too much of an injection of her own thoughts and opinions on the subject of how we empower and/or mishandle the sexual education of young girls and women.

In her defense, it had to be difficult not to personalize some of the content, being a woman and mother herself.

That said, this latest entree doesn't fall short in that department. Orenstein is plenty hands-off and the book feels more put together and complete than its predecessor.

The young men interviewed within come from nearly every slice of life: rich to poor, heterosexual to transgender, Black and white, academic to athletic, etc.

I appreciated the attempt to be inclusive--particularly with such a small sample (100 boys and young men)--because I felt she was less focused on doing that with the women; as such the book came off stilted and failed to truly represent the challenges of Black women and girls as well as it should have.

That said, I still feel the Black perspective is missing from this book.

The young men she chose to interview spend less time actually obsessing over navigating the sexual landscape than they do the white one; which is to say they are cautious because they understand the possibility of trouble lurking should an encounter go wrong.

I suspect their attitudes would have been more relevant had Orenstein interviewed them in a more diverse setting.

The same can be said of the one trans man she chose to interview--a man who won't be hard to find given her description and his notoriety--as I wondered how different the view might have been had she interviewed both a Black and white trans from varying backgrounds.

While I understand you can't hit every chord, the chords that were missed, were noticeable.

Still, there is a lot of great information offered and it definitely provides a starting point for a deeper conversation.

[Mehrsa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is not my favorite style of covering topics: lots of interviews, no analysis or research. But I knew what it was because I read the girls one. I learned a lot—mostly because I wasn’t close with any teenage boys (no brothers or best friends who talked about this stuff) so these revelations were nuts. And If I had boys (thank God I don’t))), the one thing I would definitely ban is porn.

[Camelia Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Peggy Orenstein interviewed 100 teens and young men between 16-20 in the US, mostly White middle class heterosexual men, but also LGBTQ+, Black and Asian men, on the topic of sex and relationships. Boys & Sex is a collection of the interviews. It is not an academic social study, although it includes results from several such studies.

The book, part parenting part social commentary, is compulsively readable. Every page is informative and challenging. I want to simultaneously bang my head against the wall and bury my head into sand, but I agree with Orenstein: today's parents have lost the luxury of being squeamish about sex and porn and the "don't-tell-so-they-don't-find-out" is a laughable myth.

The book is organized by topics:
1. What American boys think about masculinity
2. Porn
3. Hookup culture
4. LBGTQ+
5. Black and Asian men in a White world
5. Consent, sexual assault against women
6. Sexual assault against men

As a feminist, I know very well the debate of "toxic masculinity", and I am aware the label "toxic masculinity" on social media sometimes can be seen broadly applied on many different things. However, I largely agree with the author's definition. The three pillars of toxic masculinity: 1. Emotion suppression 2. Disparaging of anything feminine (expressing emotions, caring for others, or arbitrary things like reading), and, I must add, equate aggression to masculinity 3. Sexual conquest (women as object and sex as conquest, and brag about it) . It goes without saying not all masculinity is toxic. Toxic masculinity hurts boys and men too.

"It is no secret that today’s children are guinea pigs in a massive porn experiment". All because of the easy accessibility of explicit sexual content brought by high speed internet, mobile devices and websites like Pornhub. Men who use porn regularly are less inclined to support affirmative action for women and more inclined to objectify women, isn't it common sense? Why porn is bad? Chapter 2 answers the question in details. The tough part is to broach this topic to your kids. Boys who watch porn may develop anxiety about their bodies too. One interviewee who struggled with porn habit wished his dad had said to him: "this will screw the way you view women. It’s not real. And it is not going to help you get a girl and it will only keep you from interacting with girls in a healthy manner. "

Not only boys are affected by porn, girls too. Parents take notes: be aware of the mainstream media, discuss with your sons about sexual violence, controlling behaviors, and contents that degrading and objectifying women (and men to a lesser degree).

Masculinity and sexual relationship from the viewpoints of trans men (including an Asian trans man) and gay men are very refreshing. The discrimination against Asian American men is heartbreaking to read.

How to educate your sons about consent, asking and giving consent? Peggy Orenstein has answers too. Consent should be both given and received. Not sure how outdated I am, but here is a word I've just learned: feminist fuck boy.

Girls and women are the victims of the majority of serious sexual assaults, but according to the author, boys are equally subjected to milder forms of sexual misconducts, including verbal or emotional abuse and sexual coercion by older girls and women, or older men in the case of homosexuals.

Dutch parents are much more successful than American parents in educating their children. "By normalizing teen sexuality, Dutch parents are able to exert more control over their children’s behavior. (In one study) two thirds of Dutch teens age 15-17 with a steady boy or girl friend report the person is welcome to stay in their bedrooms. Dutch parents actively discourage promiscuity in their children. Teaching sex should emerge from a loving relationship, negotiating the ground rules for those sleepovers, while admittedly cringe, provide parents opportunity to exercise influence, enforce values and emphasis the need for protection. " I don't know if I'll have the stomach for that, should the circumstance rise, but I'll bear the option in mind.

The last chapter is the conclusion and advices to parents. If you don't have time to read the whole book, please do read the last chapter.

The author's website has a list of extra resources:
https://www.peggyorenstein.com/positi...

My only complain is the coverage of minority groups is still limited. Minority cultural influences are largely missing. No discussion on how Asian boys behave in Asian communities or Black boys in Black communities.

[MissBecka Gee · Rating 4 out of 5]

So that was educational and a little horrifying.
I think this is a really important book for anyone raising children (of any gender).
It's an honest discussion with real people on real issues.
Not all of them are comfortable to listen too, but most important issues are uncomfortable to talk about. I did the audio and while it was very conversational, I think a print version would be easier to use in discussions or as a reference material.

[Mariah Roze · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book! It was extremely education about gender stereotypes and roles.


"Peggy Orenstein’s Girls & Sex broke ground, shattered taboos, and launched conversations about young women’s right to pleasure and agency in sexual encounters. It also had an unexpected effect on its author: Orenstein realized that talking about girls is only half the conversation. Boys are subject to the same cultural forces as girls which equally affect how they navigate sexual and emotional relationships.
Drawing on comprehensive interviews with young men, psychologists, academics, and experts in the field, Boys & Sex dissects so-called locker room talk; how the word “hilarious” robs boys of empathy; pornography as the new sex education; boys’ understanding of hookup culture and consent; and their experience as both victims and perpetrators of sexual violence. By surfacing young men’s experience in all its complexity, Orenstein is able to unravel the hidden truths, hard lessons, and important realities of young male sexuality in today’s world."

[Cyral Neeley · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have read a lot of objective studies that are clinical but this one is full of anger and judgement. She only interviewed 100 subjects and she found the worst of the worst to talk to. When she did interview a good guy she slammed him for not being proactive enough. It sounds like all guys are out to get drunk and then have meaningless sex. Here is the Me Too movement in all it's fury. I listened to this with a lady friend, on a drive, and she had similar feelings. The information could be helpful if presented in a less victriolic way.

[Kara Babcock · Rating 4 out of 5]

We have all heard the tired refrain “boys will be boys.” Challenging this adage has been one of the main undertakings of feminism in the past half-century. Yet how successful have we been in dismantling rape culture and teaching consent? More broadly, what messages do boys and young men receive about sex and sexuality, and how is that influencing their behaviour as they navigate their first intimate relationships? In Boys & Sex, Peggy Orenstein explores these touchy subjects by going to the source: interviewing young men in high school and college.

This 2020 book is a follow-up to Orenstein’s 2011 Girls & Sex, which I haven’t read. I might go back and read it someday. I chose to read Boys & Sex because I feel like I have a strong grasp on how girls and women are told to deal with sex. Despite living the first thirty years of my life as a man (I realized I am trans in 2020), I don’t have any clear idea of what is expected of men when it comes to sex. Reading this book was a revelation in the sense that it confirmed this feeling: none of the experiences described in this book remotely resemble anything I thought, felt, or did during my adolescence or young adulthood. I don’t know how much of that to attribute to being trans and how much to attribute to being ace, yet here we are. What an affirming read in that sense.

Orenstein covers a lot of broad themes chapter by chapter. Some of these include porn, hookup culture, queer men, race, consent, compulsory sexuality, toxic masculinity, and how to talk to our boys. She editorializes a lot, interjecting with her own opinions and estimations of her interview subjects. I think this is a good thing; it is a poor journalist who uncritically reports on what her sources say without offering context, correction, or in some cases, rebuttal. At the same time, Orenstein does her best to “get out of the way” of her subjects, seeking not to tell their stories for them but instead share their unique perspectives.

She has a whole chapter on queer and trans men, noting in her introduction that she regrets Girls & Sex overlooks trans women. I found this chapter in particular super interesting. Although the experiences of trans women and trans men are often thought of as inverses, they are not symmetrical. So it wasn’t so much that I was like, “Oooh, this person is ‘going the other way’” as I was fascinated by the idea of a person who had the experience of compulsory sexuality from a young woman’s perspective before ultimately transitioning and looking at it as a man. In contrast, as I said above, I feel like I noped out of that from the start, so I’m tabula rasa in that regard.

The same was true of the chapter on hookup culture. As Orenstein shares subjects’ stories of feeling the intense pressure to hook up and how many of them regret it as they have aged or are glad they’ve moved away from such behaviour, all I could think was, “That was not me.” Not in a superior kind of way, just a bemused, “Was this happening all around me in high school?” (It was!) and “Is this what I was ‘missing’ in university?” In this respect, Boys & Sex is enlightening for me because I never talked to my peers about this stuff back when we all thought I was a boy. Orenstein reminds us that boys and men are, contrary to stereotypes, incredibly thoughtful when it comes to these subjects. They’re just often discouraged from talking about it.

The book finishes with an intense chapter around how to have difficult conversations. Orenstein shares the story of a young man who eventually realizes that he was the perpetrator of assault on a woman he hooked up with in college. At the time, he didn’t see it that way and saw himself as a “good man” who respected women and looked for consent—but as he started to understand how she remembered that night, he was ashamed. Orenstein shares how he and the woman have undergone a kind of restorative justice process. It’s a fascinating story because it speaks to something I think we often overlook.

Lots of people say, “Men are trash,” and then the defenders of our young men say, “Hashtag not all men.” Which is true! But if that is where we stop, without doing anything about the men and boys inculcated into rape culture, then we aren’t changing anything. Orenstein points out that our current system is raising really flawed (and fucked up) boys and men, and they need compassion and grace as we deprogram the toxic parts of their masculinity. That doesn’t mean unconditional forgiveness or freedom from consequences—but it has to mean a more nuanced conversation.

Boys & Sex is a valuable contribution to that social conversation. It’s thorough yet not too long. It does its best to be intersectional—I didn’t talk too much about it, but I really liked the chapter on race—I think the one lens I really noticed was missing was disability. Obviously, Orenstein’s is not the last word on this subject. This is one important contribution among many others that have come before or since. But if, like me, you feel particularly out of the loop when it comes to how boys and men in Canada and the US are raised to think about and act on their sexuality, this book will open your eyes.

Originally posted on Kara.Reviews.

[Stetson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Although it is galling to treat the work of someone who unironically uses "toxic masculinity" and "heteronormativity" as serious or worthwhile, I have carefully read and digested Peggy Orenstein's book on contemporary male sexuality, aptly titled Boys & Sex. Unfortunately, Boys and Sex is a prodigiously sloppy study of male sexuality.

The first and probably immediately fatal design of the work is that it is predicated on roughly 100 interviews with a purportedly diverse yet representative array of young boys/men (ages 16-22). Orenstein fails to provide a clear summary (quantitative or qualitative) of these interviews instead delivering carefully selected and seemingly curated anecdotes, where supposedly normal young men (seems only to sample college attendees, which is a very non-normal sample) confess to their insecurity, impotence, or sexual aggression in progressively coiffed, politically correct vernacular. Even if readers just accept these various anecdotes prima facie (naive to do so, in my opinion), there isn't even an attempt to present this quasi-dataset in any rigorous, let alone scientific, fashion. What's the point of conducting this in-the-wild survey of male sexual ideas, preferences, and behaviors if it will all just be reduced down to cherry-picked anecdotes that tell a predetermined story?

Additionally, Orenstein never explicitly acknowledges that her interview attempts are likely not the best methodology for assessing the actual thoughts of young men on such a charged issue (a near sexagenarian female journalist isn't exactly the most honesty-inspiring, likely confidante of testosterone-infused, notoriously laconic young men). The interview conceit appears to the more wary reader as an excuse for Orenstein to infuse her own agenda into the work. It would appear that Boys and Sex is a work of activism masquerading as sociological journalism with some evidence-based practical advice.

Boys and Sex is not only sloppy methodologically, but also draws largely erroneous conclusions (both philosophically and factually) about masculinity and male sexuality. One of the reasons for this is that Orenstein never discusses the significance of sexual dimorphism or even engages on the biology of sex differences as a topic. How one can write seriously about sex without even addressing these issues is bewildering to say the least. The other reason Orenstein appears to be alien to an actual understanding of male sexuality/masculinity and is often only able to trade in pejorative stereotypes is that she is head and shoulders immersed in the misinformation turned out by the many activist groups (rather than actual scientists or researchers) working on sex-related issues. Sometimes this goes beyond just misuse of dubious statistics or heavy reliance on poorly designed studies that over-interpret weak findings into tacit advocacy for the bonkers belief that gender is entirely divorced from the realities of biological sex (i.e. a completely social constructionist theory of gender). This is exactly where readers should abandon Orenstein's work for something more serious, rigorous, and scientific.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

A good examination of boys' approach to intimacy. I found it particularly interesting that boys used the term 'hilarious' as a catchall to describe a range of emotions, not all of them funny or even positive. The book wasn't bad but can we retire the term "forcible rape"? I keep seeing this term in feminist literature and I find it extremely problematic. I did find that the chapter on pornography was perhaps a bit overblown and reminiscent of the sex wars in the 1980s. The fact that the author critiques pornography SO heavily and then states, in response to people asking her for "good" (her quotation marks) porn recommendations that, "I personally think curating your boy's porn is over the line" gave me pause. Why is that over the line? If you want to be involved in helping your kids make smart media choices and if you believe that teens have a right to their own sexuality, then the author's pearl clutching here comes off as extremely out of touch. Finally, Peggy Orenstein, a white woman, suggesting that Ken Jeong might be a "yellowface minstrel" is pretty ethically dubious.

[Nigel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I couldn’t finish it, honestly life is too short to read books in context to text to an altruism of a book title such as this…..Perhaps 🤔 maybe just my take on it, but the books I’m reading, I have to take this in a bit of cynicism.
There is such a thing as chronological order in men growing up,… and what it looks in society. Boys are on the lowest level of hierarchy in society.
So I appreciate Peggy looking at it as such. But most of its peer influences and peer initiatives on intelligence.


The book reads like rambles of a lunic,… by far I don’t have a distortion view of men like this or boys but I do see where she sees it,
I’m going to borrow a few book quotes to write to Peggy the longitudinal and graph 📈 of naked(clear) thinking or a canopy of muddle data 📈 from advertisers using boys or young men’s data 📈 in this for the books advertorumn of boys and sex book,
I question which books I’d like to say to the author…
By far sophomoric problems such as this book 📕 is a great mustering tool for youth to just change there psyche from a sex or drug psyche to maybe a readship book psyche
I’m reading her thinking book and I see why she would write in a direction like this.

Virtue comes first in lots of boys either later than the same age or,…. to see that boundaries are what morals come from and morals only come after virtue. So living on your older person experience regret not everything or every one is going to be the next CEO and have to tentatively walk over all old people experience regret cause the next CEO of Nottin is

Saying can I do your job for you,

No you can do your job like your working at your job not doing my job like you don’t need to.

Look at what wickedness man that is, yes the man you have created that is.

Indeed the noblest virtue to man is that were known for doing something pleasing?
Men should serve our loved ones and the community otherwise what's the point
We work to make the world a bit better
The creepage and vanishing of great or otherwise evil citizens is that all bad things in society have been done in good intentions


Is that from Plato? Or is that a Nigel phrase
That's the truthfulness but the gaslighting and baiting of mirroring or reflecting this and that is.
Scare tactics of inking the narrative so any this and that is misinformation if it's using godwins law.
lol Nigel paraphrasing some great things
Did you ever hear how term gas lighting came about?
Does it have something about pouring gas on somebody or themselves in political movement or trail and lighting them on fire like tarring and feathering British citizens and the United States?


It's a bit more complicated. The story I heard was a Victorian English man married a lady who inherited a house from her aunt. The English man heard there was something valuable in upper house. Hear her house so she questioned her worthiness. He said he was going out and he really was upstairs looking for hidden treasures. A policeman came to her and let her know English man might have murdered her aunt and they knew he was in attic and hadn't gone out like he said he was. This they could tell by the way the gas light flickered

In short English man was mean to his new wife by making her doubt herself and her worth

Reminds me of the story of who is
Fowler, his friend was surprised to see a secret agent Ausable, who was too fat to be a secret agent based on his physical appearance. For Fowler the situation was scary. But, Ausable, sensing the danger, fabricated a brilliant story about the non-existent balcony on which Max believed.

What's your definition for gas lighting?


Mirroring and reflecting the bus parabola stories in where they say your at the front of the bus or back of the bus.
🚌
It semantic or phonemic paraphrasing or paraphasia.

It doesn’t mean your getting push in run over by the bus 🚌 but heck wit lit about it often it’s implied with out our passively being said to this and that in a reputation ruining routing on sedimentary on particulars or any enactment it’s how it’s reflected and mirrored back to a parabol of originalits or opinionits.

Going off topic here but…..
Either Kaptain Dixie if the Plymouth Mayflower or Dixie how to fight of the antebellum.

If you want to hear about orginalitest' and opinionitest'

They both talked about this Christian that was tortured under Roman law name opinionites'

He would not reject his believes that the old testament was a Canon to contextual ligation,marriage, ownership of the faith of new testament Jesus before or after Jesus the epistemological hereditary a textual is. He was let go after not rejecting his believes and died months later from the injuries.

opinionitest passively becomes orginalitest is.

He told them that the double S's is a double phantoms of and often and "is" an "thus" is adverbs that double competitive for the contextual is usually lost. It's better to leave an empty prefix at the end of a sentence. Said the judge.

Leaving only the textual of never tracking time

apotropaic learning.

Some do appreciate 😌

In belief, confidence, and value and the urge to believe. empty prefix or empty sedimentary of propagandee

Is a double phantom of search for lost time or double phantom of search for time wasted. Some call him Uranus the reality the father of Aphrodite that Zeus Claim casting his testicles into the sea becoming a Eunuch. Others have no word yet saying in Indian only Dvanda. Others say tyrel or lokie losing his inheritance only to gain a family under Odin. Others say just take care of your own kid for the Bruce Springsteen or Rick Springfield song, quit expecting others too. While some members don't want other members to get better some can or can not panpysch


How do you pick your next book?

📚

I’m reading books in my library of to many to read list
What resides in me to read

Usually from the last book I’ve read and how I feel I’d like to film from my own dissent or cabal needing a new experience perspective


In an illegitimate consequence neither there for but got the responsibility of thought in pense or Zeus{suis} in French for thinking and thought 💭

Paper clip jobs and paper clip marketing are parasitic on political campaigns That profit over pain.

False equivalence in media, give two side equal sides of treatment. Even when one is telling lies.
Major role in political disfunction, not political dissonance of left or right. Some people refer this to views differ on shape of planet. When the media doesn't share two sides and something usually means that they agree on something which happens to be wrong
😑

The whole book feels like I’m arguing with zombies or people, pretending to be zombies to be zombies …..
🧟
The whole charade and chimeras of wild eyes thought and belief.

Of guys being raised in a whole different fashion and a whole different mannerism and behaviours than what I have seen,…. most guys just want the noble virtue. Which is a self pleasing and by far that is not all the time sexual….. most guys just want simpler life’s. Ones that this book do not describe.


Over all out of the book I think it should be looked at with ethnomethodology

Formal analytics -—
being in accordance with the usual requirements, customs, etc.; conventional: to pay one's formal respects.

noun

Logic. the science of logical analysis.
(used with a singular verb) the analysis of data, typically large sets of business data, by the use of mathematics, statistics, and computer software: digital marketers with a strong knowledge of Web analytics; selecting the best analytics tools.
(used with a plural verb) the patterns and other meaningful information gathered from the analysis of data: an abundance of actionable analytics to help you deliver a better customer experience.
Origin: 1580–90; see analytic, -ics

Phenomenon

a fact, occurrence, or circumstance observed or observable: to study the phenomena of nature.
something that is impressive or extraordinary.
a remarkable or exceptional person; prodigy; wonder.

Praxeology.

the study of human conduct.

Endogenous

proceeding from within; derived internally.
Biology. growing or developing from within; originating within.
Pathology. (of a disease) resulting from conditions within the organism rather than externally caused.
Biochemistry. pertaining to the metabolism of nitrogenous elements of cells and tissues.
Geology. endogenetic.



Enumerate

to mention separately as if in counting; name one by one; specify, as in a list: Let me enumerate the many flaws in your hypothesis.
to ascertain the number of; count.

The endogenous thought to enumerate the population

synergy


the interaction of elements that when combined produce a total effect that is greater than the sum of the individual elements, contributions, etc.; synergism.


corpus

a large or complete collection of writings: the entire corpus of Old English poetry.
the body of a person or animal, especially when dead.
Anatomy. a body, mass, or part having a special character or function.
Linguistics. a body of utterances, as words or sentences, assumed to be representative of and used for lexical, grammatical, or other linguistic analysis.
a principal or capital sum, as opposed to interest or income.
Origin: 1225–75; Middle English < Latin


Bracketing

Shipbuilding.
a flat plate, usually triangular with a flange on one edge, used to unite and reinforce the junction between two flat members or surfaces meeting at an angle.
any member for reinforcing the angle between two members or surfaces.
a projecting fixture for gas or electricity.
Gunnery. range or elevation producing both shorts and overs on a target.
—verb (used with object)

to furnish with or support by a bracket or brackets.
to place within brackets; couple with a brace.
to associate, mention, or class together: Gossip columnists often bracket them together, so a wedding may be imminent.
Gunnery. to place (shots) both beyond and short of a target.
Photography. to take (additional shots) at exposure levels above and below the estimated correct exposure.
Origin: 1570–80; earlier also brag(g)et (in architecture); of obscure origin

—Related forms
un·brack·et·ed, adjective

Breaching
—noun

the act or a result of breaking; break or rupture.
an infraction or violation, as of a law, trust, faith, or promise.
a gap made in a wall, fortification, line of soldiers, etc.; rift; fissure.
a severance of friendly relations.
the leap of a whale above the surface of the water.
Archaic. the breaking of waves; the dashing of surf.
Obsolete. wound1.
—verb (used with object)

to make a breach or opening in.
to break or act contrary to (a law, promise, etc.).
—verb (used without object)

(of a whale) to leap partly or completely out of the water, head first, and land on the back or belly with a resounding splash.
Origin: before 1000; Middle English breche, Old English bræc breaking; see break

—Related forms
breach·er, noun
non·breach, noun
non·breach·ing, adjective
un·breached, adjective



auspicious

promising success; propitious; opportune; favorable: an auspicious occasion.

Laicizing

— verb (used with object), la·i·cized, la·i·ciz·ing.

to remove the clerical character or nature of; secularize: to laicize a school; to laicize the office of headmaster.
Also, especially British, la·i·cise.
Origin: 1790–1800; laic + -ize

— Related forms
la·i·ci·za·tion , noun



autochthonous


pertaining to autochthons; aboriginal; indigenous (opposed to heterochthonous ).
Pathology.
found in the part of the body in which it originates, as a cancerous lesion.
found in a locality in which it originates, as an infectious disease.
Psychology. of or relating to ideas that arise independently of the individual's own train of thought and seem instead to have some alien or external agency as their source.
Geology. (of rocks, minerals, etc.) formed in the region where found. Compare allochthonous.
Also, au·toch·tho·nal, au·toch·thon·ic .

Autonomous

— adjective

Government.
self-governing; independent; subject to its own laws only.
pertaining to an autonomy, or a self-governing community.
having autonomy; not subject to control from outside; independent: a subsidiary that functioned as an autonomous unit.
Biology.
existing and functioning as an independent organism.
growing naturally or spontaneously, without cultivation.
Origin: 1790–1800; < Greek autónomos with laws of one's own, independent, equivalent to auto- auto-1+ nóm ( os ) law, custom + -os adj. suffix

— Related forms
au·ton·o·mous·ly, adverb
non·au·ton·o·mous, adjective
non·au·ton·o·mous·ly, adverb
non·au·ton·o·mous·ness, noun

Constitutive

constituent; making a thing what it is; essential.
having power to establish or enact.
Physics, Chemistry. pertaining to a molecular property determined primarily by the arrangement of atoms in the molecule rather than by their nature or number.

Contingent.

dependent for existence, occurrence, character, etc., on something not yet certain; conditional (often followed by on or upon ): Our plans are contingent on the weather.
liable to happen or not; uncertain; possible: They had to plan for contingent expenses.
happening by chance or without known cause; fortuitous; accidental: contingent occurrences.
Logic. (of a proposition) neither logically necessary nor logically impossible, so that its truth or falsity can be established only by sensory observation.

Incommensurables

not commensurable; having no common basis, measure, or standard of comparison.
utterly disproportionate.
Mathematics. (of two or more quantities) having no common measure.
— noun

something that is incommensurable.
Mathematics. one of two or more incommensurable quantities.


Disseminate
to scatter or spread widely, as though sowing seed; promulgate extensively; broadcast; disperse: to disseminate information about preventive medicine.


Vacillate

to waver in mind or opinion; be indecisive or irresolute: His tendency to vacillate makes him a poor leader.
to sway unsteadily; waver; totter; stagger.
to oscillate or fluctuate.

—adjective

of or relating to the words or vocabulary of a language, especially as distinguished from its grammatical and syntactical aspects.
of, relating to, or of the nature of a lexicon.
Origin: 1830–40; lexic(on) + -al1

—Related forms
lex·i·cal·i·ty, noun
lex·i·cal·ly, adverb


verisimilitude

—noun

the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability: The play lacked verisimilitude.
something, as an assertion, having merely the appearance of truth.
Origin: 1595–1605; < Latin vērīsimilitūdō, equivalent to vērī (genitive singular of vērum truth) + similitūdō similitude

Analyzability

—verb (used with object), an·a·lyzed, an·a·lyz·ing.

to separate (a material or abstract entity) into constituent parts or elements; determine the elements or essential features of (opposed to synthesize ): to analyze an argument.
to examine critically, so as to bring out the essential elements or give the essence of: to analyze a poem.
to examine carefully and in detail so as to identify causes, key factors, possible results, etc.
to subject to mathematical, chemical, grammatical, etc., analysis.
to psychoanalyze: a patient who has been analyzed by two therapists.
Also, especially British, an·a·lyse.
Origin: 1595–1605; back formation from analysis (or from its Latin or Gk sources), with -ys- taken as -


Propaedeutic.

—adjective Also, pro·pae·deu·ti·cal.

pertaining to or of the nature of preliminary instruction.
introductory to some art or science.
—noun

a propaedeutic subject or study.
propaedeutics, (used with a singular verb) the preliminary body of knowledge and rules necessary for the study of some art or science.
Origin: 1830–40; pro-2 + Greek paideutikós pertaining to teaching, equivalent to paideú(ein) to teach (derivative of paîs child; cf. pedo-1) + -tikos -tic

In vino.

in vi·vo
ˌin ˈvēvō/
adverb & adjectiveBIOLOGY
(of a process) performed or taking place in a living organism.
"fluid transport was measured in vivo"
Feedback

Et cetera
et cet·er·a
et ˈsedərə/
adverb
used at the end of a list to indicate that further, similar items are included.
"we're trying to resolve problems of obtaining equipment, drugs, et cetera"
synonyms: and so on, and so forth, and the rest, and/or the like, and suchlike, among others, et al., etc.; More
indicating that a list is too tedious or clichéd to give in full.
"we've all got to do our duty, pull our weight, et cetera, et cetera"

Shibboleth

— noun

a peculiarity of pronunciation, behavior, mode of dress, etc., that distinguishes a particular class or set of persons.
a slogan; catchword.
a common saying or belief with little current meaning or truth.
Origin: < Hebrew shibbōleth literally, freshet, a word used by the Gileadites as a test to detect the fleeing Ephraimites, who could not pronounce the sound sh (Judges 12:4–6)




empathetic

—adjective

of, relating to, or characterized by empathy, the psychological identification with the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of others: a sensitive, empathetic school counselor.
Also, em·path·ic .
Origin: 1930–35; empath(y) + -etic

—Related forms
em·pa·thet·i·cal·ly, em·path·i·cal·ly, adverb
non·em·path·ic, adjective
non·em·path·i·cal·ly, adverb

Can be confused: empathetic, sympathetic, simpatico.
Introspection rant. In recent communications with a colourful individual, I've learned a little about my own way of doing creative projects.

To reveal incompetence, consider how frequent mothers keep in line carry and restrain their children. Consider also you get in line unless you start screwing around. Then you get instructed.
The first observation of populational cohorts ordinance swaying from endogenous thought to enumerate the population is a mophie.

Mophie

A crazy person who is absolutely mental but hilarious. A funny nutcase with a vast entertaining fountain of knowledge!
Woah you're such a Mophie!

The only problem with transcendentally is the immorality of "so what" the only transcendental out of service.

Praxis

—noun, plural prax·is·es, prax·es .

practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills.
convention, habit, or custom.
a set of examples for practice.
Origin: 1575–85; < Medieval Latin < Greek prâxis deed, act, action, equivalent to prāk-, base of prā́ssein to do, fare + -sis -sis

Moratorium
—noun, plural mor·a·to·ri·a , mor·a·to·ri·ums.

a suspension of activity: a moratorium on the testing of nuclear weapons.
a legally authorized period to delay payment of money due or the performance of some other legal obligation, as in an emergency.
an authorized period of delay or waiting.
Origin: 1870–75; < New Latin, Late Latin morātōrium, noun use of neuter of morātōrius moratory


Pythagoras

—noun

c582–c500 b.c, Greek philosopher, mathematician, and religious reformer.

In situ
—adverb, adjective

situated in the original, natural, or existing place or position: The archaeologists were able to date the vase because it was found in situ.
Medicine/Medical.
in place or position; undisturbed.
in a localized state or condition: carcinoma in situ.
Origin: 1730–40; < Latin in sitū literally, in place

Rhapsodic

—adjective

extravagantly enthusiastic; ecstatic.
pertaining to, characteristic of, or of the nature or form of rhapsody.
Origin: 1775–85; < Greek rhapsōidikós. See rhapsody, -ic

In vivo

—adverb, adjective

(of a biological process) occurring or made to occur within a living organism or natural setting.
Compare in vitro.
Origin: 1900–05; < Latin in vīvō in (something) alive

Sine qua non

—noun

an indispensable condition, element, or factor; something essential: Her presence was the sine qua non of every social event.
Origin: < Late Latin sine quā (causā) nōn without which (thing) not

[Ryan · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is just as ridiculous if not worse than her first book on girls and sex. About 20% of this book is true. I find it hilarious that all the top-rated reviews are predominantly coming from females. If that doesn't raise some suspicions then you're ignoring the signs.

The first two chapters (and sparingly through the rest of the book) she uses her political bias to deem that everything is the cause of Trump — despite him only being in office for 3 years. Beyond the first two chapters she then uses music in general and hip hop music, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, video games, dating apps (which I agree with), movies, porn, and everything you can possibly think of that influences and makes anyone — being only men — act in bad ways. She blames it on everything except for women themselves. Women have also been proven to propagate these issues she so passionately tries to explain and write about in misleading ways. Her bias is so blatantly consumed in both of these books that after reading both of them you can tell how much she hates men. She's not providing facts from a neutral viewpoint. She once again — just like her other book — interviews a few select people from a specific gender and then applies those one-off cases to support her bias in her conclusions. Sure she tosses out a couple of studies here and there with no more information on them other than citing the headline of the studies. She literally says that on the dance floor all men walk around with hard dicks trying to grind on women while also trying to put their hands down women's pants. This is absurd and untrue.

She completely ignores that men also experience a lot of these issues she's preaching about. For instance...

- As of 1998, 2.78 million men in the U.S. had been victims of attempted or completed rape.
- About 3% of American men—or 1 in 33—have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.
- 1 out of every 10 rape victims are male.

Source for the above:
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)

I do agree with a few things in the book. If there is one thing she gets 100% right it's the chapters that she discusses around greek life. I can confirm that this is correct. Not that I've participated in such events, but I went to a school that has one of the largest greek systems in college and those are absolutely pervasive issues that she describes.

The issues the author tries to cover are worth discussing, but not when they have been presented in the — bias — context that this author does.

[Tad · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should absolutely be required reading for anyone who has ever been a boy, raised a boy, wants to raise a boy, works with boys or knows boys. I realize that basically means everyone so yeah, everyone should read this book.
Through interviews with dozens of young boys and young men, Orenstein recounts in painstaking and sometimes graphic detail the world that young boys are growing up in and the world that they are learning how to navigate. She writes about toxic masculinity, sexual assault and rape, the Me Too movement and so much more all through the lens of how it is affecting the world that young boys are growing up in. She writes about how so many boys still see themselves as one of the good guys even though many of them have committed sexual assault against women they know. It was interesting to read this part because we so often don't get to hear that side of the story. And I liked that she brought up the concept of restorative justice and the ways in which those situations can be made right.
I appreciated that Orenstein's scope wasn't just focused on straight, white boys. She manages to bring in the perspectives of young men of color as well as the perspectives of non straight boys, including a few transgender youth. I was grateful that she took this approach to the material as too often a book like this could easily become all about the straight white male gaze which does a real disservice to all.
I grew up a boy. I grew up around other boys. And yet, I still found myself somewhat surprised by what was revealed in the pages of this book. It is not that Orenstein reveals anything particularly ground breaking. It is more that she reveals all the ways that society and parents continue to let down and disappoint young boys. Sadly, we still don't have it right and our young men continue to suffer because of that. Eye opening, fascinating and a complete page turner. Content Warning: there is talk about sexual assault, rape and sex in this book so fair warning if you find those subjects triggering at all.

[Steve Donoghue]

A sharply insightful look at a subject that's never been more controversial or important than it is right now. My full review is here: https://openlettersreview.com/posts/b...

[Led · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember myself as a teen being curious about self-gratification, not even about sex yet. But for people of faith, it is taboo, worldly, a sin; a grey area to a teen who only felt natural to explore his body but was shameful about it. Your sectarian school would tell you to a tee what length to have your hair cut so you could take the exam (I still think it a pointless policy) but wouldn't as much mention in class the word 'sex' much less discuss human sexuality.

My sexual curiosity as a teen for the most part had me ogling half-naked bodies in prints until one day, from my father's bookcase I happened upon this book by a urologist and from time to time, without his knowledge, I would pick it up to browse. It had all about penile power. In hindsight, my teen self should have not been embarrassed to be seen leafing through the book if only society weren't as conflicted to bring up the subject.

The 'hookup culture' of American youth may not be comparable to or representative of everywhere else in the world. But what is relevant and relatable here are the concerns on sexual assault in younger people, gender sensitivity, and the worryingly loose access to pornography through the internet that impairs youth's view of what healthy and genuine sex is.

Whether you're a young man to whom most chapters revolve around or now at an age closer to fathering (or mothering) one, this book has current and meaningful subjects worth tackling: masculinity, gender sensitivity, consent, sex, microagression, restorative justice. What I really liked about the pages is that it let the interviewees —the boys from whom the author substantiates themes— freely talk and share their stories, evaluate how they feel about themselves, the repercussions of their actions, and what they could do to influence others to take action. The concluding chapter addressed to guardians reinforces the message: Sex education over damage control.

I believe that men do not have to abide by or even entertain 'real men' codes, implied or not, for that in itself outright excludes everybody. If anything, masculinity is openness, sensitivity, and respect.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting book on men and masculinity. So much of what she said resonated and I learned new things and language surrounding how men are oftentimes victims of sexual assault but don't realize it because of narrative surrounding assault. Toxic masculinity harms men by not teaching them to be emotive. I didn't agree with everything she said; I felt like she picked at hip hop in unfair ways (picking and choosing which Black academics she was citing when there are lots out there who feel differently about hip hop), and her reporting on the need to have conversations with sons felt exclusionary to those who will be raising a son without a father (two mom families or single mothers, for example). It was heartening to see a white feminist devote a chapter to men and boys of color, and gay and trans men. I'm interrogating my reaction to this book because the boys she's portraying - mostly white, straight and from upper middle class background - are the boys of my background, so while it resonated, I'm wondering what she may have missed. I agree that talking to boys about masculinity, consent and emotional intelligence is absolutely essential - and I'm wondering if it's enough to undo deeply entrenched patriarchy.

[Shelleyrae at Book'd Out · Rating 3 out of 5]

Negotiating sexuality and relationships today is arguably more complicated than when I was teenager and as the mother of two teenage boys (and girls) I hoped Boys & Sex might provide me with some insights into areas I may have not considered as part of my discussions with them.

The ‘sex talk’ has never been a single conversation in our house, it’s been the subject of casual discourse over the years as they’ve grown, often initiated as the result of news stories, gossip, or issues faced by their peers. We’ve talked about most of the topics explored in this book, though I’ve learnt from Orenstein via the young men that she interviews, that I can do more.

Thankfully my sons are surrounded by good role models, but one of the most significant takeaways for me from the book is that my boys need the men in their life, particularly their father, to better verbalise their experience, opinions and feelings about relationships, sex and masculinity. Despite my best intentions, it will be the other men with whom they connect that will significantly shape their response to the situations raised in Boys & Sex, and my empathy is not a substitute for their shared experience.

I do feel Orenstein’s sampling for her research was quite small (100 young men), and very USA-centric, which meant for me there were elements I didn’t find directly relevant. Racial issues and the experience of college/university life differs here for example, also a Personal Development, Health, and Physical Education syllabus from years K-10 is compulsory in all public schools in Australia. In general this is a medically accurate, current, and inclusive program that explores physical, social and emotional aspects of sexuality in some detail (that abstinence-only is still a feature in any modern day curriculum is absurd). That said I do prefer the anecdotal approach Orenstein has taken, as scientific methodology tends to lack urgency and nuance.

I would recommend Boys & Sex to parents, and suggest it be shared and discussed with teens of both sexes, as both will benefit from the information. An extensive bibliography provides additional resources to ensure we raise “...our boys to be the men we know they can become.”

[vanessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5. Personally, I liked reading Boys & Sex better than reading Girls & Sex. In Boys & Sex, Peggy Orenstein interviews more than 100 boys in the United States about gender, sex, porn, hook-up culture, and more. Nothing here was anything we didn't necessarily already know boys might think or do regarding their sexuality, but it is interesting to hear it first-hand from teens and young adults. Orenstein's biggest strength is her readability; her books are engaging and follow a narrative arc. I thought it was also a plus compared to Girls & Sex that she interviewed trans boys and many more black, Asian, and Latinx boys. In general, I recommend you pick it up if you are interested in gender studies that are less about analysis and less based on scientific studies and more about the lived experience of gender.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Peggy Orenstein has been my personal hero for over a decade. She's the reason I became a gender scholar. I was excited to hear about this book, but I believe she was too easy on some of these processes. I appreciated what seemed like her reluctance to join into cancel culture with some of these boys, but a boy who sexually harasses and sexually assaults his peers who are girls is not a "good boy". I don't care if he volunteers and if he loves his mom. It's hard to stand up for what you believe in. It sucks to lose social capital for putting your peers and your teammates on the spot when they say shitty things about girls. But it's our job. And it's unexcusable to not expect this of the boys we're raising.

[Books on Stereo · Rating 4 out of 5]

An important, must read featuring the deconstruction of toxic masculinity as well as the construction of a new, refined framework of modern day masculinity. Truly eye-opening.

[Melissa Stacy · Rating 3 out of 5]

*This review has been edited.

2.5 stars rounded up to 3

The 2020 nonfiction book, "Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity," by Peggy Orenstein, focuses on the harm that modern American mainstream culture has on middle-class boys and middle-class young men (including upper-middle class and upper class boys and young men).

That is a worthy and noble goal. Orenstein's heart is in the right place.

The limitations of this book are highly noticeable, however. My original review for this book focused on three major limitations:

1. Orenstein's acceptance and embrace that boys watch modern online pornography as part of a "natural" aspect of sexuality. Orenstein ignores any mention of the extreme dehumanization of pornography, and never mentions the psychic impact on boys when they masturbate to images of extreme dehumanization. Orenstein also fails to point out that pornography's harm is not only scarring to boys, emotionally and psychologically, but to the people who are in the films, too.

2. Orenstein avoids all mention that the people in pornography are largely from working class and impoverished backgrounds, and the fact that they are completely dehumanized in the films, which is an ugly aspect of classism in modern America. Modern pornography is an actively oppressive art form that takes a huge toll on everyone involved in creating and consuming it. The emotional, psychological, and physical toll of modern pornography is the highest on the people who are in the films, and many of those people are actually underage, and starring in films as a result of being sex trafficked. Pornography preys upon the poor and the most vulnerable members of our society: homeless children, people in poverty, and children from working class families. For "Boys & Sex" to ignore all mention of this, while at the same time promoting the consumption of this art among middle class boys and young men, illuminates a stark vein of classism that runs through this entire book.

3. In discussing the different situations that boys and young men can be raped, Orenstein avoids all mention that boys and young men can be raped by their own family members, starting as young children. While it is good that Orenstein sheds light on young men being raped by young women in high school and college, there are certainly boys who are raped before puberty in their own homes, and I wish the book would have at least mentioned this. Rape culture/porn culture/patriarchal culture harms everyone in American society, including young boys. Many of the people who star in modern pornography films are victims of incest, even as infants and toddlers. The effects of rape culture impact all children, including boys and intersex children.

Personally, I found "Boys & Sex" disappointing and lacking. But this book was definitely written to target a certain type of reader: a middle-class reader who does not want to read about certain content, and Orenstein made sure to avoid certain content for that reason.

I would recommend this book to any reader who wants a soft, easy introduction to the damaging effects of mainstream American culture on boys and young men.

Orenstein never mentions the excellent 2015 documentary, "The Mask You Live In," and I really wish she had. It's another excellent resource for understanding the harmful effects of rape culture and hetero masculinity (i.e. the patriarchy) on boys and young men.

Orenstein never mentions the sex education program "Our Whole Lives" in this book, but if you are a parent who is looking for concrete help in talking to your children about having a healthy sex life, please consider checking out OWL. The Unitarian Universalists are really ahead of the pack in America, as far as helping people of all ages embrace pleasure and love, for their own bodies as well as with their partners, and this pleasure and love is open to people of all sex identities and gender identities.

I am glad that this book exists, because I know Orenstein's work can reach a mainstream audience that many other types of feminist authors cannot. "Boys & Sex" is not a book that examines the harm of patriarchy on American society as a whole. This is a book about mitigating the patriarchy's most harmful effects on middle class boys and young men. If you find yourself more interested in helping everyone in society, not just the middle class, I would suggest you seek out other titles.

For those readers who are solely concerned with helping middle class boys and young men, "Boys & Sex" will be a far more rewarding and empowering read than it was for me.

[Daniel Dao · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the books we choose for our 2020 book club (currently three POC men), so I was definitely excited to pick this one up. I'm glad to say that Peggy Orenstein decides to address the elephant in our room, which is interviewing men who identify as queer, trans, or are POC. There are many interviews in which people from different ethnicities, sexual identities, and gender identities tackle the issue of masculinity and what it looks like to them. Oftentimes I've read books which center around a white cis-male heteronormative standard as the status quo, mentioning marginalized folks as "something they don't feel comfortable or experienced talking about" or "the other".

That being said, I *wish* I could give this book 5 stars, it's so close and a 4.5 to me. IMO the book is close! It misses on asexual / aromantic / bisexual men (a gray area commonly erased in today's narrative). Another thing I wish Peggy did more of was ending with different opportunities for men to improve (by no means is this her duty). There are general solutions like talking about hook-up culture when you're young, less porn, and trying to talk back to your male peers when talking about sexual encounters, but there's definitely more to go off from there.

Overall the topics in this book are a great conversation starter, and I am looking forward to analyzing some of the material for our talk. If people are looking for something similar, I recommend The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks, or All About Love by bell hooks. The latter being more focused on intimacy and what that looks like, less-so on gender dynamics.

[Julie Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pretty disturbing expose of the hookup culture of my own child's generation, Orenstein's book just confirmed what I already believed and knew just from conversations with my son over the years and hearing about the experiences of my friends' children as well. You'll see how the ubiquity of porn in our boys' lives (whether or not their parents go to great lengths to prevent it) damages their future relationships and sex lives, how difficult it is to be a boy, and how awful the dating scene has become for all of our youth and early adults. You'll want to cry for most of the book, but the author provides hope and encouragement in the last third of the book as she interviews boys who learned, grew, and dedicated themselves and others to be better humans, and as she proves how influential parents and adult role models can be in terms of changing the situation. We just NEED to talk to our boys about sex. It is a must if we want things to get better for our youth. Laurie Halse Anderson discovered as much when she toured the country speaking to high school kids about her book about rape; boys seemed to just not get it that having sex with girls without consent was wrong. Just talking about these things regularly can have a lasting impact. It's a good idea to read this if you have kids, will have grandkids, know kids, work with kids, or think in the future you may want kids. This will be the reality in which they live and knowing this can help us prepare them for it and to help boys (and girls) grow up into healthier, more respectful adults.

P.S. There were 2 chapters specifically addressing LGBTQIA+ issues.

[Jakub Szestowicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not great, not terrible

[Elizabeth Sholtis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just want every man in my life to read this and then have a little book club with me

[Farrah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, much like Girls & Sex, this book is horrifying. I would in no way call it an easy read (I found myself unable to fall asleep after reading the chapter on porn and the one on drunken hookups wasn’t much better.)

That said, I think this book is an important read for moms of boys to push through in order to understand what is going on and what challenges are out there. I may have wanted to stick my head in the sand instead of finishing it, but I don’t think that would have been a better option.

Some quotes that stood out to me:

Re porn—

“What may be of more immediate concern to guys themselves, though, is that male porn users report less satisfaction than others with their sex lives, their own performance in bed, and their female partners’ bodies—and the effect becomes apparent among those who indulge as rarely as a few times a year.”

“That reduction of pleasure in partnered sex was what concerned the majority of my interviewees. Even when they felt their porn habit was at reasonable levels, more than half had, at one point or another, cut back on their use, much the way they would if they were drinking too much or smoking too much weed.”

“For a small but significant group of the boys, porn use had become a compulsion, one they felt had seriously harmed them.”

“What was important and consistent was that they believed porn had been damaging in ways that no adult had ever discussed with them, and that they had never previously discussed with an adult.”

As another boy, a high school senior in San Francisco, put it, “I think porn affects your ability to be innocent in a sexual relationship. The whole idea of exploring sex without any preconceived ideas of what it is, you know? That natural organic process has just been f**** by porn.”

“The ubiquity of internet porn in itself means parents no longer have the luxury of squeamishness; we can no longer afford to not talk honestly to our children (especially our boys) about sex. The potential risk to them and to their partners is just too great. Nor do I think it’s enough to dismiss porn as “not realistic” or “an adult fantasy”—that begs questions of what, exactly, is unrealistic about it and why its fantasies so frequently eroticize male aggression and female submission.

Instead, as I said earlier, remind your son that curiosity about sex as well as masturbation are absolutely natural, but that porn’s perspective is limited and distorted, especially for someone without much (or any) real-life context. The bodies and behaviors depicted are not typical; much of its activity would not, in truth, be pleasurable, especially for women (the ones in the videos are paid to pretend to enjoy what’s happening and, by the way, most are left broke and unemployed within a few months). Porn can create false expectations; lower guys’ satisfaction in sex and with their partners; hijack teens’ sexual imaginations; eroticize gender inequality and racism.”

Re binge drinking and hookup culture —

“To say that hookup culture is lubricated by alcohol would be a gross understatement: it is dependent on binge-drinking to create what Wade calls the “compulsory carelessness” necessary for a hookup. Alcohol is, above all, what establishes a couple’s indifference: hooking up sober is almost by definition serious. Inebriation itself—“I was so drunk”—can even become the reason (or the excuse) for an encounter, as opposed to, say, attraction, interest, or connection.”

“Students, both in high school and college, see hooking up as the first step toward a relationship, although most hookups don’t result in one. No wonder as many as 85 percent of college students report ambivalence or unhappiness with hookup culture and one in three say their intimate relationships have been “traumatic.”

“The thing is,” he said, “I could never ask a random girl on a date. That would just be weird.” So, I said, it would be more appropriate to get drunk, make out with someone you don’t really know on the dance floor and maybe have intercourse with her than to, say, ask someone you like from one of your classes to go to a movie? “Yeah,” he said sheepishly.”

Re talking about sex with parents—

“ I love my parents,” he said. “They have taught me a lot of things. But when it comes to sex, they haven’t. Just about nothing. They haven’t guided me, and there’ve been times where I really wish they had, that they’d given me some advice. I wish that they had told me that sometimes it doesn’t work, sometimes it’s really scary. . . . Honestly, I just wish they had told me anything, because I was sort of thrown into this place where I knew literally nothing except [from] a couple of classes in school and watching porn. And I don’t know. I guess I resent them a little bit for that. . . . I mean, it’s uncomfortable to talk to your parents about sex, but it’s also one of those things that I wish they had forced me to do, because I feel like I would have been better prepared. Maybe I could have not gone into some more uncomfortable situations if they had talked to me.”

Despite their apparent mortification, boys do want their parents to talk to them about physical intimacy, for someone to go beyond the classic don’ts: don’t have sex, don’t get anyone pregnant, don’t get a disease, don’t be disrespectful.

They are particularly eager to have their fathers talk to them about their own experience with sex, love, even regret. But according to a 2017 national survey of three thousand high school students and young adults by the Making Caring Common Project, the large majority of boys had never had a basic conversation with their parents about how to be sure in advance that your partner wants to be—and is comfortable—having sex with you or about the importance of “being a caring and respectful sexual partner.” More than 60 percent had never heard from their parents about the importance of not having sex with “someone who is too intoxicated or impaired to make a decision about sex.” Neither parents nor teachers of most of the male students had ever told them not to catcall girls or use degrading comments such as “b****” or “hos,” even though 87 percent of the girls reported having been sexually harassed. Those ideas might seem self-evident to an adult, beyond the need for comment, but given the rates of coercion, harassment, and assault, boys are clearly not learning sexual ethics merely by osmosis. What’s more, most of those who did have such conversations with adults described them as at least somewhat influential.

After nearly a decade of reporting on teenagers and sex, if I know anything for sure, it’s that parents just have to get over it. I know it’s awkward. I know it’s excruciating. I know it’s unclear how to begin. You may have never even been able to have such conversations with your own spouse or partner. I get that. But this is your chance to do better. Discomfort and embarrassment are not excuses to opt out of parenting (quick tip: talk during physical activity. Or, even better, in the car: you don’t need to look at each other, plus they can’t escape). Despite their eye-rolling, ear-plugging, and other superficial resistance, teenagers consistently say that they do want such information from parents, and that they benefit from it. I know from experience that’s true: boys often told me that our conversations had dramatic, ongoing, sometimes therapeutic impact—and I was a total stranger.

So, rather than fixating on how discussing physical and emotional intimacy makes you—and your son—want to sink into the earth, consider the opportunity it creates for a closer relationship, to show him that you are genuinely there for him, to display openness, strength, and perseverance in the face of messy realities.”

“Just as a single “talk” about table manners wouldn’t make your son polite, a single discussion about intimacy won’t ensure good sexual etiquette—particularly since, for parents of sons, the average length of such talks is ten minutes. Parents need to have habitual, brief, often casual conversations that increase in complexity as children grow older.”

Re the importance of dads —

“As for intimate relationships, dads can offer guidance on personal integrity; establishing and respecting sexual boundaries; mutuality; caring; pleasure. They may want to share their own evolution on some of these topics, including past mistakes and regrets. Let me reiterate: no need to be perfect, to have all the answers, or even to feel totally comfortable discussing the questions.

As one college sophomore told me, “In high school, it would have made all the difference in the world to have my dad talk to me about this, even though my mom did a really good job. Because subconsciously, as a teen guy, she was still a woman telling me these things, and I really, really needed my dad to be like, ‘Noah, this is real.’ And because he didn’t have those kinds of conversations with me, it instilled a pattern of me not having them with my friends or my partners. And I want to be having these conversations.”