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Halibut na Księżycu
Pogrążony w depresji Jim przyjeżdża do Kalifornii z Alaski. Próbuje podsumować swoje dotychczasowe życie i ułożyć je na nowo, szuka lepszego kontaktu z dziećmi, stara się dojść do porozumienia z bratem i ważnymi dla siebie kobietami. Chciałby się odrodzić, pożegnać ze swoimi demonami z przeszłości. Czy uda mu się uratować samego siebie?
Halibut na Księżycu to swego rodzaju odpowiedź Davida Vanna na samobójczą śmierć ojca i napisaną dziesięć lat wcześniej Legendę o samobójstwie. Zagłębiamy się w ponury świat głównego bohatera, wiedząc, że syn Jima w powieści, David, to jej autor. Historia ta staje się jeszcze bardziej mroczna i poruszająca, gdy uświadomimy sobie, że znamy jej prawdziwe zakończenie.
Ani zimna Alaska, ani gorąca Kalifornia nie stanowią już bezpiecznej przystani dla Jima... Zabójczo szczera opowieść o poczuciu głębokiej beznadziei, niszczącym niepokoju oraz trudnych relacjach rodzinnych i ciągłym poszukiwaniu bliskości. Jaki bilans emocjonalny przyniesie czytelnikowi konfrontacja swojego Ja z metaforycznym Halibutem?
Halibut na Księżycu to swego rodzaju odpowiedź Davida Vanna na samobójczą śmierć ojca i napisaną dziesięć lat wcześniej Legendę o samobójstwie. Zagłębiamy się w ponury świat głównego bohatera, wiedząc, że syn Jima w powieści, David, to jej autor. Historia ta staje się jeszcze bardziej mroczna i poruszająca, gdy uświadomimy sobie, że znamy jej prawdziwe zakończenie.
Ani zimna Alaska, ani gorąca Kalifornia nie stanowią już bezpiecznej przystani dla Jima... Zabójczo szczera opowieść o poczuciu głębokiej beznadziei, niszczącym niepokoju oraz trudnych relacjach rodzinnych i ciągłym poszukiwaniu bliskości. Jaki bilans emocjonalny przyniesie czytelnikowi konfrontacja swojego Ja z metaforycznym Halibutem?
288 pages, Paperback
First published February 7, 2019
44 people are currently reading
984 people want to read
About the author
David Vann
46 books651 followersPublished in 19 languages, David Vann’s internationally-bestselling books have won 15 prizes, including best foreign novel in France and Spain and, most recently, the $50,000 St. Francis College Literary Prize 2013, and appeared on 70 Best Books of the Year lists in a dozen countries. He has written for the Atlantic Monthly, Esquire, Outside, Men’s Health, Men’s Journal, The Sunday Times, The Observer, The Guardian, The Sunday Telegraph, The Financial Times, Elle UK, Esquire UK, Esquire Russia, National Geographic Adventure, Writer’s Digest, McSweeney’s, and other magazines and newspapers. A former Guggenheim fellow, National Endowment for the Arts fellow, Wallace Stegner fellow, and John L’Heureux fellow, he is currently a Professor at the University of Warwick in England and Honorary Professor at the University of Franche-Comté in France.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 137 reviews
February 10, 2019
I’m not really sure how I feel about this book so I wasn’t really sure what to say about it or how to rate it. It’s not one I can say I enjoyed reading. It’s a heavy read. It’s haunting and uncomfortable and painful to be inside the head of a manic depressive man who wants to end his life. I certainly don’t know how realistic the inner thoughts are, but I can say that I felt gutted when I finished reading it. Jim Vann is in debt, divorced, in the depths of depression. He’s been living in Alaska and returns home to California. At times it’s hard to understand why he’s there. Is he trying to save himself or say goodbye when he goes home to see a therapist and to see his family. So many dark moments here, and it’s hard to see how nasty he is to them. There are some bits of light when we see how much Jim loves his children and how much they love him. I was also moved by the candid conversation that Jim has with his father. I don’t think his brother Gary really understands the severity of Jim’s depression and I thought the therapist was guilty of malpractice. I’m not sure what else I can say except that I finished this feeling sad and contemplative about the fragility of life. The book description says that is Vann’s reimagining his father so I kept wondering how much was true. I was disappointed that there wasn’t an author’s note. The writing is good, the subject substantive, so I have to give it 3.5 stars but won’t round up. I wonder though if I’m selling it short because it was such a tough read, but I honestly couldn’t wait to finish it.
This was a monthly read with Diane and Esil and if it weren’t for reading it with them, I may have put this aside.
I received an advanced copy of this book from Grove Press through NetGalley and Edelweiss.
This was a monthly read with Diane and Esil and if it weren’t for reading it with them, I may have put this aside.
I received an advanced copy of this book from Grove Press through NetGalley and Edelweiss.
March 2, 2023
Are there any signs in Jim? If he walks past someone on the sidewalk, someone he’s never met, can they tell he’s poison?
Halibut on the Moon by David Vann is one of the most riveting books I have read in a while. I couldn’t put the thing down.
Jim lives in Alaska. He’s a dentist and lives alone in a remote community. He travels to California to spend time with his family and children to help him through a very dark period. His brother Gary will be taking care of him – or trying to.
If suicide ideation (with or without murder) and deep depression are subjects you wish to avoid, you might want to give this a miss.
Narrated in the third person, we witness how Jim's disturbed behaviour impacts those around him, and we see how his dark thought processes work. Jim is stripped naked by this author, I saw him in his entirety.
This book had me seriously absorbed until the very last page. When I wasn’t reading this, I was thinking about it.
A fascinating, dark, revealing piece of work. I need more of David Vann.
5 Stars
Halibut on the Moon by David Vann is one of the most riveting books I have read in a while. I couldn’t put the thing down.
Jim lives in Alaska. He’s a dentist and lives alone in a remote community. He travels to California to spend time with his family and children to help him through a very dark period. His brother Gary will be taking care of him – or trying to.
If suicide ideation (with or without murder) and deep depression are subjects you wish to avoid, you might want to give this a miss.
Narrated in the third person, we witness how Jim's disturbed behaviour impacts those around him, and we see how his dark thought processes work. Jim is stripped naked by this author, I saw him in his entirety.
This book had me seriously absorbed until the very last page. When I wasn’t reading this, I was thinking about it.
A fascinating, dark, revealing piece of work. I need more of David Vann.
5 Stars
February 18, 2019
Not sure how I’m going to be able to sleep now??? I literally just finish this seconds ago. Once I started - I couldn’t pull away.
I knew a lot of the true background history before I started this book - so I was never able to separate the ‘novel’ storytelling .... the ‘novel imagination’ of this suicidal man....
named Jim... ( David Vann’s father)....
from my deepest love - and admiration for David himself. I just couldn’t do it. I was THINKING AND IMAGINING TOO!
And truth - this wasn’t the first time that
I’ve thought about David’s father.
I’ve had thoughts in my head about this story before David wrote it - starting after I read Aquarium- ( one of the most personal & favorite books for me, ever!!)....
I’ve read it 3 times. I treasure my hard copy.
And am still a little sad I didn’t get a chance to meet David Vann when he was in San Francisco years back.
I couldn’t begin to say if this book is for others or not...ITS DEFINITELY RIVETING!!!!....
But being such a sad topic ( suicide)..,I guess this is a very self select novel.
I simply think David Vann is BRILLIANT.. unbelievably talented!!!!
I won’t ever forget this book. Of course it’s painful to read .... and...
I’m sooooooo sooooo soooooo grateful to have read it.
David is a courageous-and an incredibly kind human being and author!!! I was mesmerized reading this!!
Other reviews share more of the details
Read Esil’s review ... it’s beautiful.
My heart is a little broken at the moment ....
With sooo many feelings spinning inside me... mostly I’m speechless. This book needed to be written. I’m happy to have had the ‘privilege’ to read it.
My love for this book is as pure as can be!!!
Tears are putting me to sleep tonight!!
THANK YOU DAVID!!!
THANK YOU GROVE ATLANTA
THANK YOU NETGALLEY
I knew a lot of the true background history before I started this book - so I was never able to separate the ‘novel’ storytelling .... the ‘novel imagination’ of this suicidal man....
named Jim... ( David Vann’s father)....
from my deepest love - and admiration for David himself. I just couldn’t do it. I was THINKING AND IMAGINING TOO!
And truth - this wasn’t the first time that
I’ve thought about David’s father.
I’ve had thoughts in my head about this story before David wrote it - starting after I read Aquarium- ( one of the most personal & favorite books for me, ever!!)....
I’ve read it 3 times. I treasure my hard copy.
And am still a little sad I didn’t get a chance to meet David Vann when he was in San Francisco years back.
I couldn’t begin to say if this book is for others or not...ITS DEFINITELY RIVETING!!!!....
But being such a sad topic ( suicide)..,I guess this is a very self select novel.
I simply think David Vann is BRILLIANT.. unbelievably talented!!!!
I won’t ever forget this book. Of course it’s painful to read .... and...
I’m sooooooo sooooo soooooo grateful to have read it.
David is a courageous-and an incredibly kind human being and author!!! I was mesmerized reading this!!
Other reviews share more of the details
Read Esil’s review ... it’s beautiful.
My heart is a little broken at the moment ....
With sooo many feelings spinning inside me... mostly I’m speechless. This book needed to be written. I’m happy to have had the ‘privilege’ to read it.
My love for this book is as pure as can be!!!
Tears are putting me to sleep tonight!!
THANK YOU DAVID!!!
THANK YOU GROVE ATLANTA
THANK YOU NETGALLEY
February 11, 2019
3.5 stars
Don’t be fooled by the lighthearted sounding title of Halibut on the Moon. There is nothing light about this book. Author David Vann writes a fictionalized account of the last few days of his father’s life. Jim Vann is a bipolar dentist whose life has gone off the rails. Twice divorced, owing huge sums to the IRS, miserable with a chronic sinus condition and mostly miserable with the perpetual self loathing and angry thoughts in his head, Jim travels from his home in Alaska to visit his family in California. For Jim, this is meant to be goodbye. For his family, it’s meant to be an effort to help him get better. But it’s hard for his family and for readers to cope with Jim, because he is difficult, crude, self-destructive and self-centred. I don’t know if Vann got his father’s inner voice right, but he has done a great job at portraying a tortured soul. Having said that, at times, Halibut on the Moon is almost unbearable to read. Jim is hard to take. Knowing what’s coming is heartbreaking. And knowing that Jim is based on Vann’s father makes it even more heartbreaking. My 3.5 star rating reflects my mixed emotions, but this is certainly a potent read. Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an opportunity to read an advance copy. And especially thanks to my reading buddies Angela and Diane, because I wouldn’t have wanted to read this one on my own.
Don’t be fooled by the lighthearted sounding title of Halibut on the Moon. There is nothing light about this book. Author David Vann writes a fictionalized account of the last few days of his father’s life. Jim Vann is a bipolar dentist whose life has gone off the rails. Twice divorced, owing huge sums to the IRS, miserable with a chronic sinus condition and mostly miserable with the perpetual self loathing and angry thoughts in his head, Jim travels from his home in Alaska to visit his family in California. For Jim, this is meant to be goodbye. For his family, it’s meant to be an effort to help him get better. But it’s hard for his family and for readers to cope with Jim, because he is difficult, crude, self-destructive and self-centred. I don’t know if Vann got his father’s inner voice right, but he has done a great job at portraying a tortured soul. Having said that, at times, Halibut on the Moon is almost unbearable to read. Jim is hard to take. Knowing what’s coming is heartbreaking. And knowing that Jim is based on Vann’s father makes it even more heartbreaking. My 3.5 star rating reflects my mixed emotions, but this is certainly a potent read. Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for an opportunity to read an advance copy. And especially thanks to my reading buddies Angela and Diane, because I wouldn’t have wanted to read this one on my own.
February 17, 2022
Imagine its white underside against the white dust and ash and sand or whatever it is on the moon, looking identical, like a mirror image, and that dark topside looking like the moon from farther away, patterns like craters. Dark side of the moon, essentially. The halibut has been waiting for this meeting, waiting for millions of years, brought home, finally. Destiny. And then it hits both ends, hard, like wings, and the gravity is so much less. Even on Earth, they can launch a few feet above deck. But on the moon, this halibut flew.
I don’t know if the story behind Halibut on the Moon is general knowledge, but I knew it going in, and there are clues in the narrative itself, and as knowing it definitely affected my “enjoyment” level, I’m going to save all spoilers for my second paragraph; forewarned. This is my second David Vann novel (after the wildly transgressive Dirt), and it is so different from that previous read as to feel like it’s from a different author. Certainly well written and emotionally affecting, I couldn’t help but be distracted by the backstory, and despite appreciating what Vann was going for here, I simply couldn’t surrender myself to the experience. Rounding up to four stars because this is well written and because I’d feel like a jerk giving anything less.
The bare light bulb humming, another torture, moth wings fusing to its surface. Too many things. Rhoda, the IRS, his divorces, the sinus pain, his job, the empty new house, winter, this trip that has not made things better at all. He was making it through the weeks until this trip, a kind of finish line, but now he can see all the weeks waiting after it, and no change, no improvement. The doctor was supposed to help. And Rhoda, and his family, seeing his kids, getting away from winter and loneliness and insomnia and work, but it’s no easier here. He’s no closer to seeing a way through. How to stay alive long enough to where life becomes something wanted again.
Spoiler(ish) time: I knew going in that this is a novelisation of Vann’s father as he struggled with bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts (and if one doesn’t know that beforehand, the main character refers to his son as David Vann). In the storyline, Jim has flown from his home in Fairbanks to visit with his family in California, all of whom know that Jim is struggling physically, mentally, and financially, and they’re all hoping to intervene in his dark plans. Vann does a wonderful job of capturing Jim’s mental struggles — of capturing the swings from mania to depression; of giving a voice to an intelligent, well-spoken man who honestly can’t think of a reason to keep living in unrelenting pain — but I was never unaware that this was an author trying to get into his own father’s head. When there was a scene that involved both Jim and young David, I’d be thinking, “Did he really see his dad running on all fours like a werewolf in the mud as he chased an old man complaining about them trespassing on his land?” When there was a scene with Jim and his brother Gary, or with their elderly parents, as Jim tried to suggest that his childhood set him up for self-loathing, I wondered, “Is this an actual encounter that was shared with the author?” When there are countless scenes of Jim trying to feel something real with porn or prostitutes, I had to wonder, again, if these were actual events shared with Vann or flights of imagination (and which is the more unsettling option?) I simply could not surrender to the story and my reading experience suffered for it. Forgive my morbid mind, but the most interesting thing to me was to discover how the author would choose to end his “novel”.
It hits both ends and knows flight, true flight, for the first time. Not restricted by the thickness of water. No resistance. Something no human has ever felt either, and no bird, to fly in an airless place, and without any suit. No barrier. Only the purest flight ever known, pure also because both its eyes are on the top side of its head. Any other fish would see the astronauts below, the lunar module, the surface of the moon, but not the halibut. It sees only emptiness above, undistracted, or maybe it sees Earth, a blue-and-white orb so far away, and knows the ocean is there, Alaskan waters, reaches for home, flops again against nothing to try to propel itself faster. What does a halibut think in that moment of flight? Until we know that, do we know anything?
Again, I appreciate what Vann intended and achieved with Halibut on the Moon, and I wish I could report that I liked it better (it really is a remarkable account of a damaged psyche) and I do look forward to reading Vann again.
March 31, 2019
Halibut on the Moon was among my most anticipated novels for 2019, even before I had read the synopsis. Ever since reading Legend of a Suicide, Aquarium and most recently Caribou Island, my respect for David Vann as an author has grown fast to the point where I will now read anything he publishes.
Halibut on the Moon is Vann’s second novel about his father. Despite never specifically stating so, the parallels (even down to the names) are unmistakable. This makes this novel even more difficult for me to review, as it feels like such a personal piece of art.
If you only want the cliff-notes of my opinion, then here they are: I think it’s a masterfully written novel, that is far from “fun” to read, but deserves all the stars for how important it is. It has Vanns signature all over it: beautifully written, dark, bleak and true. It sunk its talons into me and seeped into my soul.
Jim is a recently divorced man, suffering from severe manic depression. His condition has forced him to temporarily live in the care of his older brother in California, whilst waiting out the deepest part depression. “Only two weeks before the meds start working” his psychiatrist has told him. But two more weeks of the hell Jim’s living seems like an insurmountable task. Being swept between the delusional highs and deepest lows of his mind, he is led on the path to the one solution that seems logical to him.
Writing about depression is something too many authors attempt and too little succeed to do well. David Vann is one of the few that does it more than well. Having experienced severe depression myself, reading Vanns work is scarily relatable to my experiences from that period of my life, and I can’t stress enough how impressive that is. Depression is a period of my life that I (and many with me) struggle to put into words in our own minds, let alone convey the experience to others. It’s a bit like explaining to a living person what it feels like to be a ghost. If an author can do that, they can do pretty much anything.
The grave contrast of the depression to Jim’s manic phases (which I have luckily never experienced so I can��t speak to the accuracy, but I trust Vann completely) only drive home the chaotic and taunting nature of this disease. Despite not understanding and sometimes even despising his manic actions, I couldn’t help but deeply feel for Jim’s struggles, leaving the ending to feel inevitable, yet deeply tragic.
Halibut on the Moon is a masterful journey through the darkest corners the mind can roam to, yet simultaneously feels like a heartfelt homage from a son trying to understand his father. A novel that resonates empathy and respect, but not glorification of mental illness.
It is important to realize that this novel is told from within the mind of a very troubled and ill individual. For that reason, it's not an easy novel to read: it's bleak, and at times feels "empty", and like it's going nowhere, but in the end, so too feels the condition it descibes.
This is one that will stay with me for a long time to come…
Halibut on the Moon is Vann’s second novel about his father. Despite never specifically stating so, the parallels (even down to the names) are unmistakable. This makes this novel even more difficult for me to review, as it feels like such a personal piece of art.
If you only want the cliff-notes of my opinion, then here they are: I think it’s a masterfully written novel, that is far from “fun” to read, but deserves all the stars for how important it is. It has Vanns signature all over it: beautifully written, dark, bleak and true. It sunk its talons into me and seeped into my soul.
Jim is a recently divorced man, suffering from severe manic depression. His condition has forced him to temporarily live in the care of his older brother in California, whilst waiting out the deepest part depression. “Only two weeks before the meds start working” his psychiatrist has told him. But two more weeks of the hell Jim’s living seems like an insurmountable task. Being swept between the delusional highs and deepest lows of his mind, he is led on the path to the one solution that seems logical to him.
Writing about depression is something too many authors attempt and too little succeed to do well. David Vann is one of the few that does it more than well. Having experienced severe depression myself, reading Vanns work is scarily relatable to my experiences from that period of my life, and I can’t stress enough how impressive that is. Depression is a period of my life that I (and many with me) struggle to put into words in our own minds, let alone convey the experience to others. It’s a bit like explaining to a living person what it feels like to be a ghost. If an author can do that, they can do pretty much anything.
The grave contrast of the depression to Jim’s manic phases (which I have luckily never experienced so I can��t speak to the accuracy, but I trust Vann completely) only drive home the chaotic and taunting nature of this disease. Despite not understanding and sometimes even despising his manic actions, I couldn’t help but deeply feel for Jim’s struggles, leaving the ending to feel inevitable, yet deeply tragic.
Halibut on the Moon is a masterful journey through the darkest corners the mind can roam to, yet simultaneously feels like a heartfelt homage from a son trying to understand his father. A novel that resonates empathy and respect, but not glorification of mental illness.
It is important to realize that this novel is told from within the mind of a very troubled and ill individual. For that reason, it's not an easy novel to read: it's bleak, and at times feels "empty", and like it's going nowhere, but in the end, so too feels the condition it descibes.
This is one that will stay with me for a long time to come…
June 8, 2020
Once again I have to thank the NZ Ockham book awards for directing me to this authors work. Even though as Steve Braunia humorously commented* : "we don't even have Halibut in NZ waters" (a wry dig at the small flap that ensued in NZ literary circles when this novel, set in California, made the shortlist), this is an extremely accomplished novel, probably the most technically impressive on that shortlist. So it was a delightful surprise to suddenly have this author burst upon my radar.
Halibut on the Moon is my first David Vann experience and it probably won't be my last, however he is not an author to pick up lightly nor to binge read his back catalog over the course of a few weeks. Vanns oeuvre is heavily influenced by the suicide of his own father, an experience he says is the "central one of his life, determining his feelings and experiences and how he thinks about everything, from American culture, to guns and to the shape and failures of his own life" **.
Halibut while fiction, features the 13 year old David Vann and his own father as the central character. It is the most unflinching portrayal of depression that I have read and I can't comprehend what it must have been like for Vann to imagine himself inside his own fathers head. As a reading experience it can seem relentless and is a little at odds with the jaunty title, but it seems a realistic portrayal of the troubled mind and brings up so many thorny questions around gun culture and mental health.
In Short : This is very good, but it's an incredibly tough mindset to be in for a sustained amount of time.
* Newsroom Book of the Week
** SMH - Sydney Writers Festival interview
Halibut on the Moon is my first David Vann experience and it probably won't be my last, however he is not an author to pick up lightly nor to binge read his back catalog over the course of a few weeks. Vanns oeuvre is heavily influenced by the suicide of his own father, an experience he says is the "central one of his life, determining his feelings and experiences and how he thinks about everything, from American culture, to guns and to the shape and failures of his own life" **.
Halibut while fiction, features the 13 year old David Vann and his own father as the central character. It is the most unflinching portrayal of depression that I have read and I can't comprehend what it must have been like for Vann to imagine himself inside his own fathers head. As a reading experience it can seem relentless and is a little at odds with the jaunty title, but it seems a realistic portrayal of the troubled mind and brings up so many thorny questions around gun culture and mental health.
In Short : This is very good, but it's an incredibly tough mindset to be in for a sustained amount of time.
* Newsroom Book of the Week
** SMH - Sydney Writers Festival interview
October 14, 2018
Halibut on the Moon is not a book about the first journey of gilled-sea life into interstellar space although the idea is mentioned almost in passing, a tall tale to tell the kids. Rather, it's a journey through the mind of a troubled man, depressed, suicidal, unable to function anymore, trapped beneath wave after wave of churning thoughts. It's a reimagining of the last days of the author's father as his life spun out of control and he swung wildly between bouts of euphoria and manic depression, sleepless nights, obsession with an ex-wife, out of control with his thoughts just taking over and nothing left that has much meaning, much purpose. Its absolutely remarkable how the writing captures the loose streams of consciousness and the ramblings of a man on the edge, sinking further and further into an abyss out of his control. Certainly not a book for everyone. But a glimpse into the thought-pain that so many try to escape but are sometimes unable to.
Many thanks to Grove Atlantic for providing a copy for review.
Many thanks to Grove Atlantic for providing a copy for review.
May 23, 2019
4.5 stars
Warning. This book is not easy to read but it is even harder to put down. To use the cliche, it's like trying to look away from a car crash. In this case I simply could not stop reading.
There is nothing light about David Vann's latest novel Halibut on the Moon. It is dark and disturbing. The author masterfully took us inside the mind of a desperately troubled man in the depths of a deep depression during the last days of his life.
The first person protagonist, Jim, was not only having suicidal thoughts he was entirely resigned to the idea of suicide. Homicide was not out of the question and was really just a decision to be made. The whole book was was difficult to read because it felt like anything could happen at any time. Jims moods and emotions were unstable soaring the heights of euphoria then moments later plummeting to the depths of despair. The author wrote in such an authentic manner it felt scarily real. With good reason apparently. It came as quite a shock for me to realise Jim was in fact the authors own father, Jim Vann, and this was David's re-imagining of his fathers suicide.
This book, maybe more than any other I've read, had me feeling that if there was euthanasia for mental illness I wouldn't want to deprive this guy of it. His mind and his thoughts made life unbearable for him. It's not the sort of book I can describe as enjoyable yet I was most definitely impressed by it and doubt I'll forget it anytime soon. Several times I found myself choked up. With great skill the author forced me to think on suicide and mental health issues from various angles - what must it be like for the family, his friends, even the psychiatrist who tried to help him but mostly for the suicide himself.
Having been completely impressed by David Vann's novel Aquarium I knew immediately I'd read this. With its unusual title I honestly had no idea what it would be about. If there's any truth to this reimagining there was great significance to the title. In this version the fantastical story of Halibut on the Moon was recounted as told to the author as a 13 year old boy on tge last day he spent with his father. Maybe it happened. Maybe not. This was after all a work of fiction however I chose to believe it. My thanks and congratulations to the author David Vann for his work. Thanks also to Grove Atlantic and NetGalley for the opportunity of reading this digital ARC in exchange for an honest reviewwhich it was my pleasure to provide.
Warning. This book is not easy to read but it is even harder to put down. To use the cliche, it's like trying to look away from a car crash. In this case I simply could not stop reading.
There is nothing light about David Vann's latest novel Halibut on the Moon. It is dark and disturbing. The author masterfully took us inside the mind of a desperately troubled man in the depths of a deep depression during the last days of his life.
The first person protagonist, Jim, was not only having suicidal thoughts he was entirely resigned to the idea of suicide. Homicide was not out of the question and was really just a decision to be made. The whole book was was difficult to read because it felt like anything could happen at any time. Jims moods and emotions were unstable soaring the heights of euphoria then moments later plummeting to the depths of despair. The author wrote in such an authentic manner it felt scarily real. With good reason apparently. It came as quite a shock for me to realise Jim was in fact the authors own father, Jim Vann, and this was David's re-imagining of his fathers suicide.
This book, maybe more than any other I've read, had me feeling that if there was euthanasia for mental illness I wouldn't want to deprive this guy of it. His mind and his thoughts made life unbearable for him. It's not the sort of book I can describe as enjoyable yet I was most definitely impressed by it and doubt I'll forget it anytime soon. Several times I found myself choked up. With great skill the author forced me to think on suicide and mental health issues from various angles - what must it be like for the family, his friends, even the psychiatrist who tried to help him but mostly for the suicide himself.
Having been completely impressed by David Vann's novel Aquarium I knew immediately I'd read this. With its unusual title I honestly had no idea what it would be about. If there's any truth to this reimagining there was great significance to the title. In this version the fantastical story of Halibut on the Moon was recounted as told to the author as a 13 year old boy on tge last day he spent with his father. Maybe it happened. Maybe not. This was after all a work of fiction however I chose to believe it. My thanks and congratulations to the author David Vann for his work. Thanks also to Grove Atlantic and NetGalley for the opportunity of reading this digital ARC in exchange for an honest reviewwhich it was my pleasure to provide.
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February 13, 2019This book, about a man battling bi-polar disorder, is so unrelentingly bleak that I'm going to set this aside for now. I'm having a very difficult time following his rambling thoughts. I've had to read some passages over and over and still can't really make sense of what he is saying, which I suppose may be the point, when someone is in the midst of a breakdown. My mind is exhausted after having read only 27%.
I would like to mention that David Vann is a phenomenal writer and I wish that I was able to get along with this one better. Even more so, as the main character of this novel, is actually based on his own fathers issues with mental illness. Very, very sad.
I do highly recommend his book Aquarium - just know that it is very disturbing and tore my heart to pieces. Keep tissues at the ready.
Thank you to NetGalley, Edelweiss, and Grove Atlantic for providing me with a digital ARC in exchange for my honest review.
I would like to mention that David Vann is a phenomenal writer and I wish that I was able to get along with this one better. Even more so, as the main character of this novel, is actually based on his own fathers issues with mental illness. Very, very sad.
I do highly recommend his book Aquarium - just know that it is very disturbing and tore my heart to pieces. Keep tissues at the ready.
Thank you to NetGalley, Edelweiss, and Grove Atlantic for providing me with a digital ARC in exchange for my honest review.
May 2, 2019
“Night falls fast. Today is the past. Blown from the dark hill hither to my door Three flakes, then four Arrive, then many more” - Edna St. Vincent Millay
A book that speaks to why a person ends his life. The secrecy of the tortured mind makes a dense barricade. No one can get through. All the helplessness and worthlessness coupled with chronic unabated pain and sleeplessness leads to a cold horror. With hope forever gone all that remains is a terrifying despair. Jim is so determined to die he convinces his brother he’s made a breakthrough in therapy and is now just fine. There’s not a thing to be worried about. I closed this book and sat staring into space. Walking helped some but not like it usually does. In the end I listened to larla O Lionaird’s Invisible Fields. It was only then that I had restored a sense of calm. David Vann offers the reader an unparalleled view into the thinking of a man who has moved way past being saved. There’s not a shred of self pity involved.
A book that speaks to why a person ends his life. The secrecy of the tortured mind makes a dense barricade. No one can get through. All the helplessness and worthlessness coupled with chronic unabated pain and sleeplessness leads to a cold horror. With hope forever gone all that remains is a terrifying despair. Jim is so determined to die he convinces his brother he’s made a breakthrough in therapy and is now just fine. There’s not a thing to be worried about. I closed this book and sat staring into space. Walking helped some but not like it usually does. In the end I listened to larla O Lionaird’s Invisible Fields. It was only then that I had restored a sense of calm. David Vann offers the reader an unparalleled view into the thinking of a man who has moved way past being saved. There’s not a shred of self pity involved.
February 22, 2023
To dobra powieść, ale obrzydliwa (i słowo to najlepiej oddaje moje wrażenia). Nie chcę o niej pisać, nie chcę o niej myśleć. A jednocześnie ją doceniam.
February 21, 2023
Główny bohater "Halibuta na Księżycu" Davida Vanna (tł. Dobromiła Jankowska) to mężczyzna pogrążony w głębokiej depresji. Jim snuje rozważania na temat życia, swojej choroby i emocji, wyjeżdża z Alaski, aby spędzić czas z rodziną i rozliczyć się z przeszłością.
"Halibut na Księżycu" to książka bardzo trudna emocjonalnie. Jest mocna i przytłaczająca, pełna smutku i rozpaczy. Fabuła nie odgrywa najważniejszej roli, niewiele się tu dzieje fabularnie, za to kreacja portretu psychologicznego Jima jest na najwyższym poziomie. To pogłębione studium choroby. Przyglądamy się jego obłędowi i rozpaczy, obserwujemy jego zmagania z myślami samobójczymi.
Tym bardziej przejmujący jest fakt, że główny bohater Jim jest ojcem Davida Vanna, autora książki. Jego ojciec popełnił samobójstwo, a "Halibut na Księżycu" jest próbą rozliczenia się ze śmiercią ojca i zrozumienia jego emocji.
To była mroczna i przejmująca lektura. Wywarła na mnie bardzo duże wrażenie. Ciężko przejść obok niej obojętnie. To moja trzecia książka Davida Vanna i śmiało mogę powiedzieć, że trafił do moich ulubionych autorów. Jeśli czujecie, że jesteście gotowi, to bardzo polecam „Halibuta na księżycu”. Świetna mocna rzecz!
"Problem polega na tym, że wszystko jest przewlekłe, a nie ostre. Ból w głowie taki sam jak każdego innego dnia, rozpacz taka sama, poczucie tonięcia i rozżalenia, winy, żalu nad sobą i gniewu. Ale nie dość, by pociągnąć za spust. Mógłby dryfować w tym miejscu wiecznie, co jest najbardziej przerażającą myślą, dużo gorszą niż śmierć."
4,5/5
"Halibut na Księżycu" to książka bardzo trudna emocjonalnie. Jest mocna i przytłaczająca, pełna smutku i rozpaczy. Fabuła nie odgrywa najważniejszej roli, niewiele się tu dzieje fabularnie, za to kreacja portretu psychologicznego Jima jest na najwyższym poziomie. To pogłębione studium choroby. Przyglądamy się jego obłędowi i rozpaczy, obserwujemy jego zmagania z myślami samobójczymi.
Tym bardziej przejmujący jest fakt, że główny bohater Jim jest ojcem Davida Vanna, autora książki. Jego ojciec popełnił samobójstwo, a "Halibut na Księżycu" jest próbą rozliczenia się ze śmiercią ojca i zrozumienia jego emocji.
To była mroczna i przejmująca lektura. Wywarła na mnie bardzo duże wrażenie. Ciężko przejść obok niej obojętnie. To moja trzecia książka Davida Vanna i śmiało mogę powiedzieć, że trafił do moich ulubionych autorów. Jeśli czujecie, że jesteście gotowi, to bardzo polecam „Halibuta na księżycu”. Świetna mocna rzecz!
"Problem polega na tym, że wszystko jest przewlekłe, a nie ostre. Ból w głowie taki sam jak każdego innego dnia, rozpacz taka sama, poczucie tonięcia i rozżalenia, winy, żalu nad sobą i gniewu. Ale nie dość, by pociągnąć za spust. Mógłby dryfować w tym miejscu wiecznie, co jest najbardziej przerażającą myślą, dużo gorszą niż śmierć."
4,5/5
February 18, 2019
Anyone who is familiar with David Vann – as I surely am, having read each of his books since his powerful and mesmerizing Legend of a Suicide – knows that this author courageously dives deep into very dark places. Most of his work focuses on – or alludes to – the death of his father by suicide, but none more so than his latest novel.
Jim Vann is likely suffering from the effects of deep bipolar disorder when we meet him in the final weeks of his life. He has two children, one of whom is David (yes, THAT David), he owes a fortune to the IRS and he has shattered the relationships he’s held with past wives. Life, to Jim, is only time to pass with nothing to look forward to. In desperation, he travels from Alaska to California to reunite with his younger brother Gary, who is charged with keeping him alive during a very tenuous time.
This is not an easy book to read. For those who know someone with bipolar disorder, the dialog and situations will ring hauntingly true. There is a claustrophobic – even voyeuristic – quality about this work as we settle into Jim’s head and by extension, the author’s head. The feeling of desperation and despair are so incredibly strong that it takes some degree of mental health to allow oneself to immerse into these pages.
The title of the book comes from one of Jim’s flights of fantasy: a 300-pound halibut taken to the moon and released to let it flop, to see how high it will flop. “They didn’t mean for it to survive,” Jim says. “It was supposed to have one beautiful flight, is all. That’s all any of us are meant to have. None of us survive.”
I cannot imagine the emotional cost to David Vann to write this book, which is inspired – perhaps, even documented – from his father’s life. Certainly it captures a snapshot not only of a man, but of an entire family, who is forever damaged as they witness their loved one’s inevitable path to self-destruction.
Jim Vann is likely suffering from the effects of deep bipolar disorder when we meet him in the final weeks of his life. He has two children, one of whom is David (yes, THAT David), he owes a fortune to the IRS and he has shattered the relationships he’s held with past wives. Life, to Jim, is only time to pass with nothing to look forward to. In desperation, he travels from Alaska to California to reunite with his younger brother Gary, who is charged with keeping him alive during a very tenuous time.
This is not an easy book to read. For those who know someone with bipolar disorder, the dialog and situations will ring hauntingly true. There is a claustrophobic – even voyeuristic – quality about this work as we settle into Jim’s head and by extension, the author’s head. The feeling of desperation and despair are so incredibly strong that it takes some degree of mental health to allow oneself to immerse into these pages.
The title of the book comes from one of Jim’s flights of fantasy: a 300-pound halibut taken to the moon and released to let it flop, to see how high it will flop. “They didn’t mean for it to survive,” Jim says. “It was supposed to have one beautiful flight, is all. That’s all any of us are meant to have. None of us survive.”
I cannot imagine the emotional cost to David Vann to write this book, which is inspired – perhaps, even documented – from his father’s life. Certainly it captures a snapshot not only of a man, but of an entire family, who is forever damaged as they witness their loved one’s inevitable path to self-destruction.
Want to read
February 19, 2019Based on a true story -
David imaging what his dad went through before he committed suicide. Very sad.
Recommended by Elyse :)
Her review:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
David imaging what his dad went through before he committed suicide. Very sad.
Recommended by Elyse :)
Her review:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
January 24, 2021
4,5
Co ja moge napisać o tak intymnej książce? Jak wyrazić myśli o historii, która dotyka tak głęboko i której się nie czyta w normalnym tego słowa znaczeniu, ale po prostu przeżywa?
Głównym bohaterem jest Jim, rozwiedziony, ojciec dwójki dzieci, cierpiący na depresję z częstymi epizodami maniakalnymi. Jego stan psychiczny spowodował, że wraca do swojego rodzinnego miasta, gdzie będzie pod opieką brata i gdzie będzie mógł spotkać się ze swoimi dziećmi.
Przybywając z Alaski do Kaliforni doświadcza naprzemiennie stanów depresji i manii. Poznajemy krok po kroku studium tej niezwykle ciężkiej choroby i jej wpływu nie tylko na chorego, ale i na całe jego otoczenie. „Halibut na księżycu” pozwala dosłownie wejść w mroczny umysł Jima. Autor nie gloryfikuje depresji, nie unika jej faktycznych objawów, pokazuje czytelnikowi jej prawdziwą niekoloryzowaną i podstępną odsłonę.
Co istotne historia opisana przez Vanna, jest oparta na życiu ojca autora. I wydaje mi się, że to ogromna wartość tej książki, bo nie jest to tylko opowiedzenie samej historii, ale też terapeutyczna próba zrozumienia choroby rodzica, wyjaśnienia pewnych zachowań i wytłumaczenia tego, do czego finalnie doprowadziła.
Co ja moge napisać o tak intymnej książce? Jak wyrazić myśli o historii, która dotyka tak głęboko i której się nie czyta w normalnym tego słowa znaczeniu, ale po prostu przeżywa?
Głównym bohaterem jest Jim, rozwiedziony, ojciec dwójki dzieci, cierpiący na depresję z częstymi epizodami maniakalnymi. Jego stan psychiczny spowodował, że wraca do swojego rodzinnego miasta, gdzie będzie pod opieką brata i gdzie będzie mógł spotkać się ze swoimi dziećmi.
Przybywając z Alaski do Kaliforni doświadcza naprzemiennie stanów depresji i manii. Poznajemy krok po kroku studium tej niezwykle ciężkiej choroby i jej wpływu nie tylko na chorego, ale i na całe jego otoczenie. „Halibut na księżycu” pozwala dosłownie wejść w mroczny umysł Jima. Autor nie gloryfikuje depresji, nie unika jej faktycznych objawów, pokazuje czytelnikowi jej prawdziwą niekoloryzowaną i podstępną odsłonę.
Co istotne historia opisana przez Vanna, jest oparta na życiu ojca autora. I wydaje mi się, że to ogromna wartość tej książki, bo nie jest to tylko opowiedzenie samej historii, ale też terapeutyczna próba zrozumienia choroby rodzica, wyjaśnienia pewnych zachowań i wytłumaczenia tego, do czego finalnie doprowadziła.
October 22, 2018
Halibut on the Moon is focused on mental illness and possible suicide. Not recommended for those suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts. It is hard to say I “liked” this book due to its grim subject matter, but I appreciated it as an intense portrayal of the extreme highs and lows of what I assume is bipolar disorder.
The main character, based on David Vann’s father, Jim, arrives back in his hometown from his current residence in Alaska. Jim visits his therapist, family, and an old friend over the course of a couple days. His brother is asked to stay with him and safeguard his guns. Jim is obsessed with his ex-wife and sex. He suffers from guilt, despair, self-pity, insomnia, and loneliness. He feels worthless, disconnected from his sense of self. He cannot shut down his thoughts. This book constructs a psychological portrait that delves into the heart of a very personal tragedy.
I received an advance reader’s copy of this book from the publisher, Grove Atlantic, via NetGalley in exchange for a candid review. It is scheduled for release March 12, 2019.>
The main character, based on David Vann’s father, Jim, arrives back in his hometown from his current residence in Alaska. Jim visits his therapist, family, and an old friend over the course of a couple days. His brother is asked to stay with him and safeguard his guns. Jim is obsessed with his ex-wife and sex. He suffers from guilt, despair, self-pity, insomnia, and loneliness. He feels worthless, disconnected from his sense of self. He cannot shut down his thoughts. This book constructs a psychological portrait that delves into the heart of a very personal tragedy.
I received an advance reader’s copy of this book from the publisher, Grove Atlantic, via NetGalley in exchange for a candid review. It is scheduled for release March 12, 2019.>
September 19, 2021
Przeczytałam wszystkie trzy powieści Vanna, które wyszły po polsku, i myślę, że już żadna nie pobije "Legendy o samobójstwie". Jest po prostu najlepsza. "Brud" był mocny, ale trochę zbyt efekciarski, a "Halibut" wydaje się najdojrzalszy i najbardziej wyważony z nich. Smutny, subtelny i spokojny upiornym spokojem człowieka, który już podjął nieodwracalną decyzję. Nie robi takiego wrażenia jak tamte dwie powieści, to prawda. Jest po prostu inna. Ale kilka fragmentów naprawdę ma moc (np. ten przy pożegnaniu Jima z rodzicami i domem). Oczywiście Vann, na różne sposoby, pisze wciąż o tym samym. Chyba tak musi. Na razie mi to nie przeszkadza.
March 27, 2019
Halibut on the Moon is the seventh novel by prize-winning, best-selling American author, David Vann. Jim Vann lands in San Francisco to be met by his younger brother, Gary. They get in Gary’s Dodge truck and head straight to Jim’s therapist. At the end of the consultation, Dr Brown stresses to Gary that Jim must not be left alone and that he must not have access to any guns (including his own Ruger .44 magnum, located in his valise, separate from the bullets in his luggage, as instructed). The medication Jim is to start taking may not have any effect for two weeks, except perhaps to worsen his symptoms.
Jim has left his newly built but empty house in Fairbanks, Alaska because he is suicidal. He believes his phone calls with his second wife, Rhoda are keeping him on an even keel but his family believes this to be a dangerous relationship. In between therapist sessions, Gary takes Jim to his first wife’s house to see his children, David and Tracy, and to his parents’ house. But, against all advice, Jim also insists on seeing Rhoda, and later, his friend, John.
As Jim rides the rollercoaster of his manic depression, he seems set on ending his life in the immediate future. With that mindset, his interactions with family and friends are completely without filter: he says and does things he might never have considered while he was stable. It’s often perceptive, sometimes bizarre, and much of it is jaw-dropping stuff that will have the reader cringing, but also, sometimes, laughing. A bit like seeing a train wreck happen: impossible to look away.
Vann’s books are never a comfortable read: his characters can be difficult to identify with and the subject matter can be confronting, making the reader squirm while also registering the black humour. His depiction of a manic-depressive’s fluctuating moods is particularly authentic. This is the early eighties, and the treatment is basic; the reaction of Jim’s brother and father, in the “get a grip” theme, is perhaps ignorant, but quite understandable.
This novel is a reimagining of his father’s final days, a subject Vann freely admits he cannot release. He deals with this disturbing topic skilfully, and it certainly feels like a catharsis. Vann’s descriptive prose, as always, is often exquisite. This is a dark and powerful read.
Jim has left his newly built but empty house in Fairbanks, Alaska because he is suicidal. He believes his phone calls with his second wife, Rhoda are keeping him on an even keel but his family believes this to be a dangerous relationship. In between therapist sessions, Gary takes Jim to his first wife’s house to see his children, David and Tracy, and to his parents’ house. But, against all advice, Jim also insists on seeing Rhoda, and later, his friend, John.
As Jim rides the rollercoaster of his manic depression, he seems set on ending his life in the immediate future. With that mindset, his interactions with family and friends are completely without filter: he says and does things he might never have considered while he was stable. It’s often perceptive, sometimes bizarre, and much of it is jaw-dropping stuff that will have the reader cringing, but also, sometimes, laughing. A bit like seeing a train wreck happen: impossible to look away.
Vann’s books are never a comfortable read: his characters can be difficult to identify with and the subject matter can be confronting, making the reader squirm while also registering the black humour. His depiction of a manic-depressive’s fluctuating moods is particularly authentic. This is the early eighties, and the treatment is basic; the reaction of Jim’s brother and father, in the “get a grip” theme, is perhaps ignorant, but quite understandable.
This novel is a reimagining of his father’s final days, a subject Vann freely admits he cannot release. He deals with this disturbing topic skilfully, and it certainly feels like a catharsis. Vann’s descriptive prose, as always, is often exquisite. This is a dark and powerful read.
July 1, 2019
This is a tough but brilliant read. Vann has returned to the story of his father, this time as one complete novel covering a few days when Jim sees a therapist, and with his brother, visits various relatives and friends. We follow Jim's most intimate thoughts, and can only watch his self destructive actions as he contemplates suicide. The story is agonising, the writing expressively perfect.
May 14, 2021
Nie mogłem się od tej powieści oderwać. Chociaż chciałem. Potworna jest. Stadium depresji, kiedy samobójstwo staje się jedyną opcją, jest straszne. Również dla wszystkich dookoła. Bardzo smutna i dołująca powieść.
March 15, 2019
David Vann has written a book that takes the reader deep into the vortex of mental illness. As he tries to reimagine his father's suicide, the narrative is often from the perspective of a young boy named David, the author himself. He has a younger sister named Tracey and a younger brother named Gary. These are the actual names of Vann's family members. It's difficult to imagine how hard it must have been for the author to have written this book, to have gone back in time to those dark places and attempt to get into the head of his manic depressive father.
The book opens with Jim, David's father, arriving in California from Fairbanks, Alaska where he worked erratically as a dentist, depending on the severity of his illness. Lately, he has not been working at all and Jim's brother Gary wants him to be in California with his family and be treated by a therapist. Jim sees his therapist first thing and is prescribed an unknown medication that supposedly will make him feel worse before he feels better. Jim does not need to feel worse. He is hanging on by a thread as it is. His mind is filled with delusions, beliefs that things are true despite all evidence to the contrary. As a clinical social worker, I believe he was suffering from rapid cycling bipolar I, which is the most severe form of the illness and, in my opinion, should have been immediately hospitalized. This form of bipolar illness is characterized by quick rises to euphoria followed by a fall into the depths of depression for a long time and then followed by another short euphoric episode and then depression again. It is no secret that Jim is suicidal and his family is supposed to protect him from himself by watching him 24/7. I wondered at the therapist's decision to put this burden on the family as it seemed a recipe for tragedy.
Jim is ruminating about his second wife, Rhoda, who Gary calls 'bad news'. He is sexually obsessing over her and his inability at sexual restraint has even caused him self-harm. He has met up with his first wife and children and takes his children out on a disastrous bird hunting trip, almost assaulting someone and getting jailed during the outing. Gary speeds away in his car, narrowly avoiding a brush with the law but it is obvious from Jim's speech that he is psychotic. Most of the time he is unable to filter his speech so his children, David and Tracey are unbidden listeners. Jim knows that his children should come first and he should love them most of all but, to the contrary, he's not really sure what this means.
Jim wants to be alone, in the solitude of nature, but when he is alone he gets very scared and lonely. He tells his family that he will be taking his life soon. There was no doubt in my mind that he meant what he said. He hallucinates (a distortion of the senses) the natural world and what appeared friendly and welcoming to him becomes his enemy and persecutor.
While Jim is tormented by his emotions, he tries very hard to understand them and give them some meaning. Unfortunately, the meaning usually takes him deeper into his rabbit holes and the cycle keeps repeating itself. I have worked in intensive care psychiatry and it is so obvious to me that Jim Vann is very ill and at risk. His son, David Vann, appears to understand the depth of his father's illness with an accuracy that is uncanny. I often wondered if this was actually a memoir rather than a novel. I came to the conclusion that it is both. As a fan of Mr. Vann's I believe that he is trying to get it right, that virtually all of his writing is an attempt to understand his father's suicide.
I highly recommend this book but post a warning for those suffering from mental illness or those who love someone with a serious mental illness, think twice before picking up this book.
The book opens with Jim, David's father, arriving in California from Fairbanks, Alaska where he worked erratically as a dentist, depending on the severity of his illness. Lately, he has not been working at all and Jim's brother Gary wants him to be in California with his family and be treated by a therapist. Jim sees his therapist first thing and is prescribed an unknown medication that supposedly will make him feel worse before he feels better. Jim does not need to feel worse. He is hanging on by a thread as it is. His mind is filled with delusions, beliefs that things are true despite all evidence to the contrary. As a clinical social worker, I believe he was suffering from rapid cycling bipolar I, which is the most severe form of the illness and, in my opinion, should have been immediately hospitalized. This form of bipolar illness is characterized by quick rises to euphoria followed by a fall into the depths of depression for a long time and then followed by another short euphoric episode and then depression again. It is no secret that Jim is suicidal and his family is supposed to protect him from himself by watching him 24/7. I wondered at the therapist's decision to put this burden on the family as it seemed a recipe for tragedy.
Jim is ruminating about his second wife, Rhoda, who Gary calls 'bad news'. He is sexually obsessing over her and his inability at sexual restraint has even caused him self-harm. He has met up with his first wife and children and takes his children out on a disastrous bird hunting trip, almost assaulting someone and getting jailed during the outing. Gary speeds away in his car, narrowly avoiding a brush with the law but it is obvious from Jim's speech that he is psychotic. Most of the time he is unable to filter his speech so his children, David and Tracey are unbidden listeners. Jim knows that his children should come first and he should love them most of all but, to the contrary, he's not really sure what this means.
Jim wants to be alone, in the solitude of nature, but when he is alone he gets very scared and lonely. He tells his family that he will be taking his life soon. There was no doubt in my mind that he meant what he said. He hallucinates (a distortion of the senses) the natural world and what appeared friendly and welcoming to him becomes his enemy and persecutor.
While Jim is tormented by his emotions, he tries very hard to understand them and give them some meaning. Unfortunately, the meaning usually takes him deeper into his rabbit holes and the cycle keeps repeating itself. I have worked in intensive care psychiatry and it is so obvious to me that Jim Vann is very ill and at risk. His son, David Vann, appears to understand the depth of his father's illness with an accuracy that is uncanny. I often wondered if this was actually a memoir rather than a novel. I came to the conclusion that it is both. As a fan of Mr. Vann's I believe that he is trying to get it right, that virtually all of his writing is an attempt to understand his father's suicide.
I highly recommend this book but post a warning for those suffering from mental illness or those who love someone with a serious mental illness, think twice before picking up this book.
Read
April 9, 2019‘An absolutely riveting read, and I take my hat off to Vann for not just imagining his father’s very troubled mind, but for writing such an arresting and beautifully melancholic testament to him…[T]he best thing that I have read so far this year.’
Readings Monthly
Readings Monthly
April 24, 2019
My goodness, this was one hell of a depressing, exhausting and very sad read of a person with a mental illness. Absolutely heartbreaking! This is by no means a happy, feel good book. It’s quite painful to read and process.
I was taken along on the wild roller coaster ride of sharing Jim’s irrational and rational manic depressive thoughts and actions and his interactions (past and present) with people in his life.
I had an extremely hard time understanding not only what Jim was going through and experiencing internally on a daily basis, but also what his family, friends and others experienced as a result of Jim’s illness and his actions, physical, verbal and nonverbal. It was quite challenging for me to take it all in. Jim experienced intense physical and emotional reactions as a result of his condition.
The book took us into the depths of Jim’s mind - his deep inner thoughts - which could be very random, blunt (no filters), overly sexual, compulsive, impulsive, frantic, disorganized thinking, feeling hopeless, bearing intense physical pain, overwhelming fatigue, fits of rage. Amazingly, there were some times of clarity and other times it was random and nonsensical.
Jim’s therapist, portrayed in the book a few times, attempts to help him by therapy sessions and prescribing meds, but it was not enough or the meds quick enough to work or even prove to be effective. There are some detailed pages of their therapy sessions . Who is to know or decide if someone is too far gone at some point? What if you do everything in your power to help, and it’s for naught? It was recommended Jim be admitted to a facility for safety and monitoring, but a suggestion like that, that’s made to a manic depressive, as you can imagine, does not bode well, and so Jim did not agree to get that help. He constantly insists throughout, that he will find his way - whatever that means to him, which includes suicidal thoughts throughout the book. The reader is constantly asking themselves, is he serious about this? Is he going to do it or is he just thinking and saying this? It’s disturbing to the reader, and to the people he says it to, but it’s not at all disturbing to Jim.
This book had me thinking how much I did not know about this particular illness; how very difficult and out of control it must be to try to live feeling this way. How many other people get affected and hurt along the way from being in contact with this person who is not grounded mentally. And the people who want to help, but are unable to, through no fault of their own. We see how this affects every one of their own personal lives in the process.
Jim had a family; so is this hereditary? His kids loved him, but were getting scared of him, especially as he got worse, and that all just breaks my heart. This was such a haunting, dark and emotionally draining story. I just found out that the author of this book is David Vann, Jim’s son! This true story was written based on several days of Jim’s chaotic life. 😪
I was taken along on the wild roller coaster ride of sharing Jim’s irrational and rational manic depressive thoughts and actions and his interactions (past and present) with people in his life.
I had an extremely hard time understanding not only what Jim was going through and experiencing internally on a daily basis, but also what his family, friends and others experienced as a result of Jim’s illness and his actions, physical, verbal and nonverbal. It was quite challenging for me to take it all in. Jim experienced intense physical and emotional reactions as a result of his condition.
The book took us into the depths of Jim’s mind - his deep inner thoughts - which could be very random, blunt (no filters), overly sexual, compulsive, impulsive, frantic, disorganized thinking, feeling hopeless, bearing intense physical pain, overwhelming fatigue, fits of rage. Amazingly, there were some times of clarity and other times it was random and nonsensical.
Jim’s therapist, portrayed in the book a few times, attempts to help him by therapy sessions and prescribing meds, but it was not enough or the meds quick enough to work or even prove to be effective. There are some detailed pages of their therapy sessions . Who is to know or decide if someone is too far gone at some point? What if you do everything in your power to help, and it’s for naught? It was recommended Jim be admitted to a facility for safety and monitoring, but a suggestion like that, that’s made to a manic depressive, as you can imagine, does not bode well, and so Jim did not agree to get that help. He constantly insists throughout, that he will find his way - whatever that means to him, which includes suicidal thoughts throughout the book. The reader is constantly asking themselves, is he serious about this? Is he going to do it or is he just thinking and saying this? It’s disturbing to the reader, and to the people he says it to, but it’s not at all disturbing to Jim.
This book had me thinking how much I did not know about this particular illness; how very difficult and out of control it must be to try to live feeling this way. How many other people get affected and hurt along the way from being in contact with this person who is not grounded mentally. And the people who want to help, but are unable to, through no fault of their own. We see how this affects every one of their own personal lives in the process.
Jim had a family; so is this hereditary? His kids loved him, but were getting scared of him, especially as he got worse, and that all just breaks my heart. This was such a haunting, dark and emotionally draining story. I just found out that the author of this book is David Vann, Jim’s son! This true story was written based on several days of Jim’s chaotic life. 😪
October 14, 2021
This was a very emotional and heavy book to read dealing a lot with depression and mental health. It was a good book but not as easy one to listen to sometimes so I would advise not to pick it up if your feeling unwell yourself other then that it was a good read.
abandoned-dnf
July 3, 2025DNF @ 8% (Jul 2025) — Couldn't continue; too much anger for me.😞
February 26, 2021
..viss iet uz to, ka tiks izdarīta pašnāvība. būtu vīlies, ja grāmata ar to nebeigtos. stāsts tāds laikmetīgs, gana vienkāršs. dažbrīd atgādināja Bukovski. ik pa laikam bija lieliskas pašapmierināšanās ainas un citas ar peni saistītas epizodes. arī akti – izdevušies un ne – aprakstīti tā, kā tos gribas lasīt. daudz spriedelējumu par ticību – vai Jēzus neizdarīja pašnāvību, jo darīja to, ko darīja, zinādams, kas būs? un kā debesīs ir ar alkoholu? citur to drīkst lietot no 16, citur – no 21. utt. :)
March 15, 2019
“Jim never drank, never could just hang out, worried always about everything, worked his way through high school and college at Safeway, went to church, married the second woman he dated, divorced, married again after almost no dating, divorced again.What made Jim this way and Gary different?”
Jim the older brother, Gary looked up to him, he was a Dentist, a made man it seemed, and then he was lost in the chaos he wanted his brother back.
Jim has trip back home, visiting with family with mother and father, one wonders will he submit to his fate he outlined from the offset, or save himself from terrible end.
He talks of many desperate feelings, “no self at all” “there’s no one home” “I’m a piece of s**t, that I’m not good enough, and I wonder where I came from” “he doesn’t believe he world is real.”
He feels devoid of faith, has tax debts, devoid of feeling as he used to, broken, void of real love, his ex-wife he feels is his remedy, but there is something more deep more chemical at work bringing him down, step by step, a insidious very real illness attacking the mind, depression.
Two brothers different lives and failings and that old weight of life troubles, weighing down, that depression, that deep emptiness all layered out here in this brilliant testament of a father gone so tragically.
You empathy builds and caution to many that may have triggers that set off depressive feelings, stark and raw, this may be a hard ride for many that have been in that state of lack of self worth, in their forties as Jim the main character in here, but keep up never despair, and keep moving forward, never give up hope.
Touching on tragedies, loss, devastating and something that we hear of every increasingly, a state of desolation and despair, void of feeling again, debts, marriage failures, and not getting back up and moving forward or not knowing how to, then the brokenness of the mind, one fractured ill health, mental health, end of the tether, end of the line, a stark testament of an author realising and trying to recreate with words one of his dearests end of days.
The journey the author must have went though to carve this work out, the insecurity and sensitivity, if you can handle such narratives do so but it may evoke despair and fragilities of the mind and heart.
David Vann is one of the deep writers out there, all terrible beauty his writing
Legacies, the unapparent, piecing together a tragic portrait of brokenness and decline with one of his most personal and brilliant works with tragedy in a crucible.
Review @ More2Read with Excerpts
Read also my interview.
Jim the older brother, Gary looked up to him, he was a Dentist, a made man it seemed, and then he was lost in the chaos he wanted his brother back.
Jim has trip back home, visiting with family with mother and father, one wonders will he submit to his fate he outlined from the offset, or save himself from terrible end.
He talks of many desperate feelings, “no self at all” “there’s no one home” “I’m a piece of s**t, that I’m not good enough, and I wonder where I came from” “he doesn’t believe he world is real.”
He feels devoid of faith, has tax debts, devoid of feeling as he used to, broken, void of real love, his ex-wife he feels is his remedy, but there is something more deep more chemical at work bringing him down, step by step, a insidious very real illness attacking the mind, depression.
Two brothers different lives and failings and that old weight of life troubles, weighing down, that depression, that deep emptiness all layered out here in this brilliant testament of a father gone so tragically.
You empathy builds and caution to many that may have triggers that set off depressive feelings, stark and raw, this may be a hard ride for many that have been in that state of lack of self worth, in their forties as Jim the main character in here, but keep up never despair, and keep moving forward, never give up hope.
Touching on tragedies, loss, devastating and something that we hear of every increasingly, a state of desolation and despair, void of feeling again, debts, marriage failures, and not getting back up and moving forward or not knowing how to, then the brokenness of the mind, one fractured ill health, mental health, end of the tether, end of the line, a stark testament of an author realising and trying to recreate with words one of his dearests end of days.
The journey the author must have went though to carve this work out, the insecurity and sensitivity, if you can handle such narratives do so but it may evoke despair and fragilities of the mind and heart.
David Vann is one of the deep writers out there, all terrible beauty his writing
Legacies, the unapparent, piecing together a tragic portrait of brokenness and decline with one of his most personal and brilliant works with tragedy in a crucible.
Review @ More2Read with Excerpts
Read also my interview.
February 22, 2024
4,5
świetna, choć paskudna
świetna, choć paskudna
March 27, 2023
A disturbing and honest novel of mental illness and suicide; dark, because how with those qualities could it not be. My awareness of David Vann was created recently by a discussion here on why this American novelist is known and award-winning in Europe and Australia/NZ but largely unknown here in his own nation. Finding this book a few days ago at our local vast and semi-famous used book store in our University town, I added it to my haul (“nice selection”, said the bookseller after he rang up all my choices; maybe a rare American Vann reader? Not asking for clarification, I’ll never know).
Jim Vann (unfortunately, this book is an imagining of the final days of the author’s father, names unchanged) flies into California from his home in Alaska to see a therapist and be watched over by his family, his mental illness having reached crisis point. His illness takes the form of deep existential despair mixed with periods of mania, which to my inexpert judgement sounds like bipolar disorder. He is suicidal and seems to have undertaken this journey not with any hope of avoiding that course of action, but to find out if he thinks he should take others - his parents, siblings, ex-wife, children - out with him (see… dark). His brother Gary meets him at the airport.
Jim’s pain and mania are both richly described as he lives out his final couple of days in the town he grew up in. He goes through a series of troublesome discussions and encounters with his family, an unpredictable companion who seems to have no mental filter anymore (“why are you being so mean?” his 13 year old son David tearfully asks him at one point… oh man…). His blunt questioning of his mother’s life makes her cry. He imagines murdering family members before turning the gun on himself.
This makes Jim sound like a very unlikable character, and, of course, in life one would be hard pressed to enjoy spending any time around this person as described. It’s a challenge to keep in mind that his untreated mental illness is contributing to his behavior and he wasn’t always this person. A discussion with his father, who shares for the first time his own fatalistic acceptance of living with deep depression, sheds some light on the genetic inheritance that has helped lead Jim here. And David Vann (the author) is a skilled writer of apparent deep empathy who can almost make Jim understandable.
The prose is weighty and complex. Here’s a passage describing Jim laying down on the old carpet still covering the floor of his parent’s home, of his childhood:
Incredibly evocative prose in service of a wrenchingly sad story, for many people. This is definitely not a book for everyone. Does that include a greater percentage of Americans than, say, New Zealanders? I don’t know! It’s a 4.5 star for me, because I just can’t put such a grim book up in my pantheon of 5 star reads, but it is an amazing work.
Jim Vann (unfortunately, this book is an imagining of the final days of the author’s father, names unchanged) flies into California from his home in Alaska to see a therapist and be watched over by his family, his mental illness having reached crisis point. His illness takes the form of deep existential despair mixed with periods of mania, which to my inexpert judgement sounds like bipolar disorder. He is suicidal and seems to have undertaken this journey not with any hope of avoiding that course of action, but to find out if he thinks he should take others - his parents, siblings, ex-wife, children - out with him (see… dark). His brother Gary meets him at the airport.
“Please,” Gary says, his voice really pleading, desperate. “Please try. I know you can get back to your old self.”
“I’m sorry,” Jim says. “I’m not trying to hurt you. But there is no old self. There’s nothing to go back to. That’s what people don’t understand. There’s no self at all. There’s no one home.”
A kind of groan then from Gary, a sound of despair, nameless.
Jim’s pain and mania are both richly described as he lives out his final couple of days in the town he grew up in. He goes through a series of troublesome discussions and encounters with his family, an unpredictable companion who seems to have no mental filter anymore (“why are you being so mean?” his 13 year old son David tearfully asks him at one point… oh man…). His blunt questioning of his mother’s life makes her cry. He imagines murdering family members before turning the gun on himself.
This makes Jim sound like a very unlikable character, and, of course, in life one would be hard pressed to enjoy spending any time around this person as described. It’s a challenge to keep in mind that his untreated mental illness is contributing to his behavior and he wasn’t always this person. A discussion with his father, who shares for the first time his own fatalistic acceptance of living with deep depression, sheds some light on the genetic inheritance that has helped lead Jim here. And David Vann (the author) is a skilled writer of apparent deep empathy who can almost make Jim understandable.
The prose is weighty and complex. Here’s a passage describing Jim laying down on the old carpet still covering the floor of his parent’s home, of his childhood:
The dust floating thick above the carpet throughout the entire house, up to perhaps knee level in high concentration and thinning above that, an atmosphere in different bands. The nostalgiasphere first, the layer most dense, where he's lying now, a region of immense weight where time can slow or even stop moving and echoes of sound and smell and feeling can travel forever. Catfish with their wide tendriled mouths patrolling here as leviathans, fallen birds and smell of gun smoke and blood and everything grown larger. A place intent on suffocation, place of Bible stories with children ripped in half, towers falling, tongues without words, locusts descending. The sea parted and held back by a single human hand and the weight of that ready to rush in again, mountains of water overhanging and bending light and even the water smells of blood and can transform, all mutable here, nothing remaining separate or safe.
Incredibly evocative prose in service of a wrenchingly sad story, for many people. This is definitely not a book for everyone. Does that include a greater percentage of Americans than, say, New Zealanders? I don’t know! It’s a 4.5 star for me, because I just can’t put such a grim book up in my pantheon of 5 star reads, but it is an amazing work.
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