Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

by Terri Cole

Break Free From Over-Functioning, Over-Delivering, People-Pleasing, and Ignoring Your Own Needs So You Can Finally Live the Life You Deserve!

Most of us were never taught how to effectively express our preferences, desires or deal-breakers. Instead, we hide our feelings behind passive-aggressive behavior, deny our own truths, or push our emotions down until we get depressed or so frustrated that we explode, potentially destroying hard-won trust and relationships.

The most successful and satisfied people on the planet have one thing in common: the ability to create and communicate clear, healthy boundaries. This ability is, hands down, the biggest game changer when it comes to creating a healthy, happy, self-determined life.

In Boundary Boss, psychotherapist Terri Cole reveals a specific set of skills that can help you stop abandoning yourself for the sake of others (without guilt or drama) and get empowered to consciously take control of every aspect of your emotional, spiritual, physical, personal, and professional life.

Since becoming a Boundary Boss is a process, Cole also offers actionable strategies, scripts, and techniques that can be used in the moment, whenever you need them. You will learn:

• How to recognize when your boundaries have been violated and what to do next
• How your unique “Boundary Blueprint” is unconsciously driving your boundary behaviors, and strategies to redesign it
• Powerful boundary scripts so in the moment you will know what to say
• How to manage “Boundary Destroyers”—including emotional manipulators, narcissists, and other toxic personalities
• Where you fall on the spectrum of codependency and how to create healthy, balanced relationships

This book is for women who are exhausted from over-giving, overdoing, and even over-feeling. If you’re getting it all done but at the expense of yourself, give yourself the gift of Boundary Boss.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Personal Development, Relationships, Audiobook, Mental Health

Audio CD

First published April 20, 2021

About the author

I’m a global empowerment and relationship expert with a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable.

My mission is to teach you how to attain and
sustain vibrant mental health and become
empowered in all of your relationships…

Starting with the one you have with yourself.

Reviews

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book aimed at women, because it seems (from personal experience) that women have a harder time setting boundaries.

Right from an early age, many girls are taught to serve and to please, to accept that boys and men are more important and to put them first. So we grow up as people pleasers. Meanwhile boys are taught to get out in the world, to be adventurous. They set their own boundaries.

it's no wonder then that grown women struggle to set boundaries. Even now, women are told that they can multi-task and men can't: therefore they can do more, juggling busy jobs, kids, and housework, whereas men can only focus on one thing. Whoever invented this lie (and I'm pretty sure it was a man!) needs a medal for "Excellence in Marketing" - selling women the story that they can do it all and have it all, leaving women exhausted trying to please everyone and themselves; while men get off lightly because they (poor things!) can't multi-task. Leaving them more time to do what they want to do.

This book addresses the fact that many women struggle to set boundaries, and gives you ideas on how to challenge your boundaries - not just the ones in your head: but how to challenge the boundaries that you have either set yourself with others or they have set for you and you have complied with.

The author has personal experience of boundary issues, as well as being a psychotherapist and realising that most of her clients have boundary issues.

Even if you think you set all of your own boundaries, you may have your eyes opened by this book - there are probably plenty of boundaries that you didn't set, and if you want them the change, by the end of this book you will have ideas of how to do it.

[Sanaa Hyder · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came across Terri Cole's YouTube channel a few years ago and immediately liked her work.

Cole has a no-nonsense style when it comes to imparting advice and educating people about problematic boundaries and communication. And she translates this approach effectively in her writing as well.

The book is written in a relatively informal conversational tone (including casual American slang and swear words), potentially making it accessible to the avid as well as the occasional reader. There are case studies/stories of people from Cole's experience at the start of chapters for the reader to grasp a concept. Throughout, Cole refers to the reader with terms of endearment like 'mama', 'lovebug' and 'beauty'. Right from the first page, she roots for you, inviting you to evaluate your circumstances and relationship dynamics.

As a mental health researcher, I was familiar with the idea of boundaries and some of the associated basics. But this book made me think more deeply about what Cole calls your 'basement' and 'boundary blueprint'. I particularly benefited from 'the 3Qs for clarity' and 'the 3Rs — Recognize, Release, Respond'. It is amazing how you can change your response to a situation/person when you realize the odds are not stacked against you.

Full disclosure: When I started reading this book, I felt the need to put forth an argument against some of Cole's claims. As a Muslim, I believe in principles such as giving benefit of the doubt, spiritual generosity, making excuses for others and having a good opinion of them and in turn God, having inherent honour and dignity by being a creation of God i.e. human, alleviating the distress of another with the intention to gain reward in the Hereafter, bearing patience in times of difficulty in exchange for expiation of sins, and the list goes on. I made a note of these as I went along and realized a few chapters in that Cole was not dismissing or disregarding my beliefs. She was advocating for my self-protection and self-care. In fact, she agreed with some of my beliefs. She recognized that every person is unique and deserves to be treated with respect and honour. Practising my religion and setting healthy boundaries, the two were not mutually exclusive. Rather, they could co-exist. This meant: I could for example go out of my way to help a distressed family member, if I consciously chose to do so instead of acting in response to a faulty blueprint (read: feeling burdened to help someone while abandoning my own priorities and consequently blaming and resenting the family member for not appreciating my effort to help them). It was a subtle shift in my understanding and behaviour, but an empowering one nevertheless.

Having said that, it is definitely tricky to interpret psychotherapeutic advice while also honouring your cultural values, but it's doable. It can indeed allow you to 'live free' as the book title says. Thank you to Terri Cole, for sharing her knowledge with the world. In the current era of overwhelming digital knowledge championing all types of mental health aphorisms, I would recommend taking from credible sources, which include this book.

[Narmeen · Rating 3 out of 5]

---I got a digital arc for this book from NetGalley

As I started reading this book I began feeling triggered by the criteria of what makes a relationship a co-dependant one and the more check lists I ticked off, the more uncertain I became about this book and what it was implying. You see I thought it was yet another book about individualistic ideology where any acts of service I do for the sake of God are seen as me being in an unhealthy attachment to the creation of God. However, as I kept reading more, this realisation dawned on me. If I am some of the things that are in this list of 'what makes one co-dependant' and they aren't affecting me or anyone around me in a negative or toxic way then that means I overcame those past challenges which once were my weaknesses but are now things I have converted to positive attributes. This change occurred in my life as I learned more about understanding our psyche from an Islamic perspective. Psychology and Islam for me are not mutually exclusive.

Once I got over my insecurities I actually learned a lot about boundary setting from Terri Cole. I heard this quote (I don't know where I heard/read it but a google search tells me its by Kristen Neff) which changed my approach towards this book. "Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you're good enough, self-compassion asks what's good for you." I am what I tell myself I am, if I stop seeing myself as the victim then I can go ahead and apply all the productive tools Terri Cole suggests in setting boundaries. Since having read the book I've noticed I'm more honest with my boundaries and I don't feel as guilty as I would have before, about setting them. I can still have boundaries and be in service to people, these 2 principles can go hand in hand, you just have to be smart about managing expectations.

My biggest problem with boundaries is giving certain people what they want and then resenting them for not allowing me with an opportunity to say no to them. Terri Cole says, "You have an obligation to yourself that no one gets beyond the velvet rope without your express permission" which is fair and true but my problems are rigid boundaries. People do get beyond the velvet rope I have set, I cannot control people and then I feel like I've betrayed myself or am a "weak" personality which is what led to this boundary breach. The reality is this doesn't make me weak rather I need to develop a more accepting and flexible attitude by not expecting people to constantly meet my needs, or there wont be peace in my inner-self or in my relationships.

Terri Cole does a great job of connecting to her readers, she takes us through many examples where we can see ourselves in some aspects of these stories and find an alternative way of looking at our "problems". My sister introduced me to Terri Cole's youtube channel a while ago and I have been consuming her work since, this book was an enlightening read. I would recommend it. I had a bumpy ride with this one, hence the 3 stars but I think the negative association I had with some of the elements has more to do with my understanding and expectations of her work, rather than the credibility of her experiences.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book on boundaries! Review will be up on my blog later this week - www.therapybooknook.com/blog

[Stephanie Affinito · Rating 5 out of 5]

This week, I savored Boundary Boss by Terri Cole. Normally, I am a pretty swift reader, but this book is FILLED with opportunities for self reflection and well, work, so I spent a luxurious amount of time reading it. This book spoke directly to my heart and Terri Cole’s no-nonsense, conversational and heartful voice felt like I was having a conversation with a dear, and very real, friend. I don’t have enough space to share what I’ve learned here, but here was my BIG take-away: Boundaries matter. And most important, the boundaries we create for OURSELVES matter most. In the past, I’ve put too much focus on the boundaries outside of my control, trying to change everything and everyone around me instead of doing the hard work inside my head and heart to truly change from within. But after reading, I can’t go back and can feel a tangible shift in my energy for what’s to come. I highly recommend everyone read this.

[Juliet · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pro: love the questions it gives you to put in the work. Con: the pet name and language of the book. Can we stop calling women empowered themes “boss” and could the author just write a book without ending sentences with “my dear”, or “babe”? I prefer “pumpkin” or “sugar tit”, just kidding, see my point? Makes it hard to take this already formulaic self help book and/or author seriously.

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing for me. Using Cole's guidelines, I've developed positive ways of stating my boundaries--my needs, desires, and deal breakers; people are listening, and responding positively themselves. Win, win.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very easy read that was sometimes a bit too easy and obvious, and yet made it me question and rethink some of the relationships in my life. It was good to get a new perspective on the usual things

[Kidron Tirey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I could give this book six out of five stars because Cole has written a magnificent literary aid for self-awareness/governance all women should read. Men similarly would surely benefit from many of Boundary Boss’ pieces of advice and prompts.

Self-help books often are all fluff and little substance. That is not the case with this read because the reader is transported through many non-abstract paradigms that clarify best practices — as is for the first time. This book is something one should revisit over and again, tracking notes and personal reflections.

Insight gleaned from Boundary Boss has made me a better person.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found Terri Cole, initially, during a time of deep personal growth. I love her straight-forward, relatable YouTube content about boundary setting, in particular. When my friend highly recommended this book, afterwards, I knew I'd love it.

Self help books always make me a bit wary, but if I find a good one, their (sometimes simple) lessons echo in my mind for a lifetime. I'm definitely a better person - and certainly more true to myself - after implementing some of Terri's strategies. She has extensive experience in the field, and she is also vulnerable in sharing her personal progress.

I really like the concept of turning inward, then setting a boundary, then letting go. It should be so simple, right? I've spent a lot of time assuming what a reaction might be, then preparing in that way. How much more rested would we all feel if we just let that go? It's operating and wasting time in unreality.

I hope to revisit this book occasionally. It was important for my growth.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! I read a few pages a day. When I first began, I thought it was going to be quite enigmatic. Instead, it was relatable and practical. It has helped me gain a better understanding as to how to maintain a tenacious work ethic while practicing self-care.

[Leah Schaad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shoutout to my therapist Kyla for this one. 🧡 made my life so much better and healthier

[Nat D · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s some good stuff in here, and at the same time I’m reminded why I don’t read self help anymore.

[sinag · Rating 2 out of 5]

2/5 stars!

I voluntarily read and reviewed an advance copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

I appreciate what the author is trying to do in this book, however, I think they could have done better. I loved how they have guides for us to recognize our boundaries, but their examples took way too much space, and most of the time, I just don't care. I wished this could be more direct to the point and only include examples that really showed when we unconsciously are compromising our boundaries and how are we going to fix that and be more aware whenever that happens. This book goes on and on about what happened to different people and in my opinion, did not present the best examples to impart what they are trying to say to their readers. Throughout the entire reading experience, I felt like I was just here for the tea or the gossip to one's back story instead of learning about how to be aware whenever our boundaries is concerned and how do we nurture healthy boundaries with ourselves and with others.

[Cam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to thank NeGalley and the publisher for allowing me to read and advaced copy of this title.

Such a healing book.
If i had the opportunity to meet the author i would hug her so tight and i would thank her with all my heart for creating this beautiful, mind opening and healing book.
It took me some time to finish it because of how deep it touched my soul, but it was all worth it. This is a book i know i will come back to anytime i have a problem with an emotion or a situation, and find guidance about the reaction i must take in order to maintain my mental health.

You helped me in the darkest phase of my life, thank you Terri

[Charity (Booktrovert Reader) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley for giving me an advance copy of this book in exchange for an review.

Didn't realize what I read is this book is what I needed to hear. This book is full of stories and examples of everyday clients that come into her office that answers to some of their problems is learning to set boundaries. That a simple to no and not feeling ashamed it can give a person power that someone have been trapped into people pleasing or even co dependency. She gives a lot of tips and advice on how to set boundaries and overcome the setbacks of people crossing your boundaries. This was a refreshing read and certainly made me rethink my boundaries.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a card carrying people pleaser, this book spoke to my soul! I really appreciated the practical strategies and scripts for applying new boundaries and lessening some of the emotional labor in personal and professional relationships. The journaling at the end was especially insightful - physically writing out a list of what is okay and not okay in my relationships helped to provide clarity for me, and I now feel like I have the tools to be direct in letting others know those expectations in a compassionate but clear way!

[Aaron Pinkston · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not good. Seems to be written for women who feel stretched too thin, under appreciated, and haven’t had success doing deep internal work with their own therapist yet. Let’s be honest- probably too many people in that category.

Two big gripes:
“Hey girlfriend, grab your Starbucks” writing style that permeates the entire book. Just barf.

Lack of depth. She almost talked about Internal Family Systems for a paragraph. Somatic Experiencing was one example on a couple pages. Maybe this is the editor making it more accessible. Not what I was hoping for.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a pretty good tool for teaching boundaries. The author is no-nonsense and kind of street level gritty. There is a lot of good help here. However, some readers may find the cursing and “darlin” type language tiring. My recommendation would be to not let that keep you from the helpful aspects of the book. Author is also into meditation/new age. That’s not for me, but the book was still helpful. You really can take what’s helpful and leave the rest, as the author states at the beginning.

[Bonnie Staughton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been watching Terri Cole's You tube weekly videos for quite awhile and following her "Boundary Boss" information from there. Reading her book was an "extra" on the subject. Terri knows what she is talking about and her exercises help the explanation of what being a "Boundary Boss" is. I'm sure I'll be reading all or parts of this book again for some time.

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

After leaving a position where someone demonstrated a lack of boundaries this was a breath of fresh air and I feel more able to recognize healthy work environments and avoid toxic leadership. Additionally, the tools Cole suggests are amazing for understanding and creating your boundaries. I highly recommend this book!

[Hisgirl85 · Rating 5 out of 5]

4/4.5 stars. This was a great read and informative for me. I am continuing to grow and learn and found this both insightful and helpful. Some of the positive affirmations irked a bit, but others were fine like focusing on gratitude (which has more to do with trauma and neurodiversity). I am excited to read it again.

[Lino Verde · Rating 5 out of 5]

After intense reading about self help books in the recent years, I now barely learn new concepts when I pick up a self help book. But this book is amazing!

- [ ] Inner Child. When you are young and your need is not met, you are likely to make a decision from that 5-year child’s perspective. Try to attend your inner child.
- [ ] 3 Rs — recognize, Release and respond
- [ ] Boundaries: physical, material, and emotional
- [ ] high functioning codependence: the need to fix and help others to feel awarded.
- [ ] Perfectionism is different from pursuit of excellence.
- [ ] Shadow addiction and secondary gains. When you use alcohol, work, excessive workout to numb yourself and to avoid feeling/dealing your feelings, that’s a shadow addiction.
- [ ] Who is on your VIP list? Who are you willing to help whenever? Only those with whom you have mutual respect, and share mutual value. This list can change and you do not need to inform them when they are on/off the list.
- [ ] Make proactive boundary plans
- [ ] Healthy inner boundary and keep your words to yourself.

Four steps of creating boundary
1. be specific about your boundary
2. take stock of yourself (who does this person/situation remind me of? How is this behavior or situation making me feel?)
3. visualize the empowered outcome
4. use direct language.

Repeating boundary patterns:
- [ ] When your boundary is violated, reflect on these two questions: (1) who do you become when you let the other person cross your boundary? Did you become 4-year old you? (2) who does the other person remind you of? (2) Does the other person who does not respect your boundary remind you of your mom, your sister from childhood? Perhaps you are in this mental cycle that leads you to a repeat boundary violation pattern.

Respect your internal boundary. Respect yourself. You cannot betray yourself!

Developing a proactive boundary plan!

Watch out for boundary destroyer:
They disregard other people’s boundary. They feel they are entitled to your time, your attention and your care. and they are not concerned with reciprocity. These people are deeply contentious, reactive, sensitive, controlling and self absorb.
Do not apply your boundary rule to them. It is a waste of time to explain boundary to them. Simply show disinterest in them. They may be fall into the cluster-B type personality.

They are selfish. Other people matter only to the extend that they can serve their world of view. Their version of reality is the only reality.
- [ ] manipulation: flip the scripts, get upset of your small actions (e.g. they yell at you and accused you of lying when you mis told information), invalidate your feelings,
- [ ] gaslighting. They know your shame buttons to keep you submissive
- [ ] love bombing — they make you to believe they are the true love, and once they believe they have you, they will reject you.
- [ ] Reject your feeling.
- [ ] Money… they provide money and gifts to control you.
- [ ] Acting as if they are helpless.
- [ ] Peer pressure. (e.g. pressure for having sex by using families and friends opinions, or bring up statistics )

Observe their behavior. Do not let things slide. Call them out at the scene and see how they react. They may not react well at the scene. If they react well, they might mock you or make fun of you 1-2 days later. They have to change behaviors. Words have to match with behaviors.

Try to change plans and see how the other person reacts. For example, if they say that they already reserve dinner at an Italian restaurant, you say you don’t feel about Italian, and suggest to go Japanese restaurant instead. The boundary destroyer would not sit well with the change.

[A. Housewife · Rating 3 out of 5]

I want to start by saying I don't think I'm in the self help book era of my life anymore. They brought me very far. It used to be my favorite nonfic genre. But lately I don't have patience. A lot of this was not new to me. Despite this, I'd hoped to be further along in boundary work in my personal life by now. There were plenty of things that I knew and yet sadly have not made as much progress as I would have hoped. I did not find her ideas especially helpful or bringing me to the next level. It's clear that I need graduate level help with boundaries because I have the basic boundaries down, and yet I am still getting ensnared with more subtle boundary difficulties. The examples and situations in the book are too basic for me.
I did find her questions or checklists very good at highlighting where I still have work to do.

Some of it feels very cliched or like upper middle class female issues. I was pretty disappointed with chapter 9, which brings up highly sensitive person, gaslighting, and all the standard stuff that I don't find that helpful. (For people who are dealing with this level of boundary violations, I hope they find it helpful). Chapter 10 which has frequent boundary situations I mostly liked, even though I have mastered a lot of those level boundary interactions. If you haven't yet, then this book can help.

I found her casual writing style mostly annoying, though some of it did grow on me. I made a drinking game for every time she said True Talk. (Not really. I just mentally said "Drink!") And the Zen Den really irked me off but kind of grew on me. And every time she told me to go do xyz to calm down and come back when I'm ready, I found it the opposite of cute. 

I like the emphasis on how difficult it will be to implement boundaries, the encouragement to do it imperfectly, how messy the process will be. I've discovered that on my own, but I would have liked to have known that when I started and it's nice how she handles that aspect. I also appreciate her distinction between people you haven't communicated with but are happy to work with you, people who are well meaning but have trouble, and people who do not respect your boundaries.
As you can see, despite not being overly charmed with this book, I still found 74 things to highlight.

I still think the best book on this topic is Townsend and Cloud (minus the bible stuff).

[Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve read several books about boundaries and I thought that the information conveyed was given in a simplistic and easy to understand manner. Some reviewers were put off by the use of endearments such as “babe” but I wasn’t. The casual tone was more encouraging for me and more like I was getting advice from a friend.

The author gave readers a lot of good information about setting boundaries which is something that is beneficial to a persons mental health. She also touched on the value of self-care. This is so important especially for women. Women are programmed early to serve others whether it’s raising families or taking care of loved ones. It’s easy to find that you never do anything for yourself. Terri also walks us through an easy meditation exercise. A list of questions to help us figure out what we want and need from ourselves and others. And the importance of having a space to reflect, meditate, and journal.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who really wants to learn how to set boundaries so that they can have a happier more fulfilled life.

[Jurgita · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very important read for everyone who have struggles with setting and/ or understanding boundaries. Saying yes, when you should say no? Putting up with disrespectful behavior? Not being able to ask help when you need it? If it sounds familiar then this book is definitely for you. Bit by bit it uncovers how simply listening to yourself and communicating your needs can change the quality of your life and even the quality of relationships with others. It also offers a list of techniques that can help along the way.
In my opinion the book is thorough, with no unnecessary BS. And it has a very supportive tone. This is especially important when only getting to know the concept of healthy boundaries.

[Rachel Mantas · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am glad this was just a library loan book. It was not my favourite and terribly hard to read and do the exercises. When my phone showed it on my cars dashboard it showed 473 minutes. No where was this audio book designed to do the questions at the end as she progressed through the book. They should have been inserted directly into the audio book where necessary and timely.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very necessary read for me this year! While it is definitely geared toward women, there are lessons in here that I could (and plan to) use in my classroom. Setting boundaries is difficult, but with this book in my toolbox I’ve been able to approach some tough situations and feel confident in myself moving forward.

[mars · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of great insights and overall a very valuable book on the subject of boundaries.
Just a little point deducted for postcard phrases and words like "fairy dust" lol I have no patience for that sort of stuff but overall it's a very good book!! :)

[Liesl de Swardt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will change your life.