Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage

by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier

Are your in-laws poisoning your marriage? Bestselling author Susan Forward shows you how to manage their behavior without jepordizing your relationship with your spouse.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Marriage, Relationships, Mental Health, Reference

304 pages, Paperback

First published October 2, 2001

About the author

One of the nation’s leading therapists, as well as a best selling author, dynamic lecturer and frequent talk-show guest. In addition to her private practice, she has served as a therapist, instructor and consultant for many Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities. She is the author of the #1 New York Times best sellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents. She also hosted her own nationally syndicated program on ABC Talk Radio for six years.

from http://www.susanforward.com

Reviews

[Sun · Rating 3 out of 5]

I stopped reading this book when I got to the most applicable advice: sometimes it's best to just cut em loose.

[Veronika Can · Rating 5 out of 5]

Puiki knyga. Daugybė konkrečių situacijų ir jų sprendimo būdai. Pritaikyti galima ne tik uošviams, tėvams, bet ir aplamai visiems žmonėms su kuriais mums tenka bendrauti.

🖋️ Savimi patenkinti žmonės nekelia savęs žeminami kitus.
🖋️ ..kuo sunkesnę praeities naštą nešamės, tuo daugiau tikimės iš kitų, kurie galbūt mūsų lūkesčių pateisinti negali.

[Kazza · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the biggest issues when couples come into relationship counselling is the in-laws. Sometimes it isn't even at a conscious level (although often it is) until everything becomes about "your mother"... "your father"....This book is an excellent tool to help you understand why you feel as you do and how to deal with the difficulties in a reasoned and helpful manner.

Susan Forward always has an engaging and straightforward writing style, and once again that is to the fore here.

[Neelam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book really insightful and helpful. I was kinda hesitant to pick it up as I wasn't sure it would help in any way but I've read a lot of practical ways in which i can tackle the issues with my in laws.
It's so hard to clearly tell your husband how you're feeling without it resulting in a shouting match and this actually went through tips in ways i can approach the issue without it creating more problems.
This book actually discusses how, despite having in laws who try to tear your marriage apart, you can learn to build a strong marriage and deal with them in a way that won't escalate the issue.
Working through the tips and exercises now and hopefully it will be able to help my marriage and in dealing with my in laws.
Anyone who has controlling, manipulative in laws should definitely read this book.

[Emilija · Rating 2 out of 5]

Silpnoka 🤷‍♀️

[Петър Стойков · Rating 4 out of 5]

Свекър/свекърва и тъст/тъща съвсем неслучайно са отдавна обект на народни шеги и вицове - когато човек се жени, той добива нова двойка родители в семейството, а всички знаем колко трудни са понякога отношенията с родителите.

Дали са вечно недоволни критикари, добронамерени нахалници или направо си ви мразят в червата, задето сте им "откраднали детето от къщи" макар "детето" да е 30 годишният ви съпруг, да ги търпите е трудно, а да се справите с това тяхно отношение може да е още по-трудно.

"Отровните роднини", както уместно подсказва подзаглавието, не само описва основните типове,които биват родителите на вашата половинка, ами и дава полезни съвети за това какво да направим, за да установим едни поне поносими отношения с тях, без междувременно да провалим брака си.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helped remind me I am not the only one going through this. The book was excellent, and after reading the "engulfers" and the "controllers" chapter, I felt as if the book was written especially for me. Even though the strategies in the book probably won't help me much, it is nice to know I am not alone in this struggle.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Took a while to get into reading all the examples in the first half, but saw the value of it later in the application and take home points.

[Jurga Jurgita · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Toksiški uošviai" padeda keliauti klastingais santykių su uošviais keliais. Autorė aiškina sudėtingus šeima tapusių žmonių santykių niuansus, parodo, kaip uošviai manipuliuoja savo vaikais, kad pasiektų ko nori, padeda įsivaizduoti savotišką trikampį, kuriame visi kovoja, norėdami užsitikrinti vieni kitų lojalumą ir paramą. Knygoje atpasakotos tikros gyvenimo situacijos iliustruoja autorės siūlomas efektyvias elgesio strategijas, kurios gal ir nepavers toksiškų uošvių svajonių uošviais, tačiau padės nubrėžti ribas, išlaikyti savigarbą, jausti sutuoktinio palaikymą ir, svarbiausia, apsaugoti jūsų santuoką. Kadangi tfu tfu tfu toksiškų uošvių neturiu, bet buvo įdomu perskaityti šią knygą vien dėl to, kad pirmoji autorės knyga "Toksiški tėvai" man paliko neišdildomą įspūdį, o ši buvo toks antraeilis variantas susipažįstant su kitais autorės darbais.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been married for 6 years, and I wish that I had read this book 5 years and 11 months ago. If you have difficult in-laws, this is is an excellent book to help you. It gave me insight into the root of the problem, helped me acknowledge how I was contributing to the problem and gave me steps to work forward to reclaim out house from a critical and controlling matriarch. Everyone has their problems, and this gives you tools to address those issues. Personally, the most helpful section was the one about using non-defensive language to diffuse arguments and bickering, which made a recent 3 week stay by my mil much easier to manage.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pre-holiday reading.

[Kenzi Schamel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Took me a while to get through this one. Content kept getting me worked up HAHA. At the end of the day, it was still insightful and definitely validated a lot of my experience. 3⭐️ because I don’t feel all of the information applied to me as it was pretty broad.

[Eve · Rating 4 out of 5]

Toxic In Laws is a well-crafted, thought-provoking look at the dynamics that occur in many, if not most families. The great thing about this book is that everyone can find elements of what goes on with every married couple - to a greater or lesser extent. Sometimes things are a combination of factors and the author points out that everyone is a product of his or her own family history. She takes the blame out of the scenarios she presents, and gives the reader concrete tools and even verbal strategies as to how to improve things. A great primer that I should have read before I got married - not 38 years later!

[Meg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was wonderful!!!! The first half deals with introducing the different categories of toxic in-laws. The second half tells you how to protect your marriage. Reading the first half of this book actually prompted me to email the author and thank her for writing it. It helped to make me feel less guilty about my feelings toward my in-laws. It also helped my husband understand what I've been feeling.

[Lori Larsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was incredibly helpful to me in learning new strategies in dealing with my toxic in laws/people in general. Really well written and gives great examples. Unfortunately, my relationship status with my ILs has not improved or changed, but this book has been helpful in realizing how to better deal with their nastiness, move one and take my 50% responsibility.

[Beata Pucinskaite · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love dr. Susan Forward's ideas and this book is not an exeption. I read this book with relieved heart that I am not the only one struggling. It gives you concrete strategies how to defend yourself, make you and your partner work like a team and reminds you the most precious thing your value. So I do recommend this book especially during this Christmas season!

[loads.of.books · Rating 5 out of 5]

Skaičiau šios autorės 'Toksiški tėvai', kuri man buvo naudinga ir labai patiko. Natūralu, kad ir kitos S. Forward knygos pakliuvo į mano akiratį. Šįkart knyga apie santykius, problemas su uošviais.
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▪️Kai pradėjau skaityti šią knygą, aplankė toks suvokimas, kad santykiai, problemos su uošviais - aktuali, įdomi tema, bet kartais tarsi dramblys kambaryje, apie tai kalbama patyliukais, nenoriai, o gal visi gražiai gyvena ir sutaria. Nežinau.
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▪️Man ši knyga buvo įdomi dėl kelių dalykų - pirma, mano tėvai toksiški abiejuose vaidmenyse (tėvų, uošvių), antra, uošviai - kėlė tam tikrų problemų mano su vyru santykiuose (tiesiogiai, netiesiogiai, nesvarbu). Ir nors santykiai tiek su vienais, tiek su kitais išsisprendė, sugebėjome nubrėžti ribas, o su vyru tapome vienu kumščiu, komanda, tačiau tuo metu veikėme, kaip patys išmanėme. Buvo įdomu perskaityti specialisto nuomonę, patarimus, kitų žmonių situacijas ir pergalvoti, kaip buvo mums, ką darėme teisingai, ko ne, kas galėtų nutikti ateityje ir kaip turėtume reaguoti.
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▪️Ši knyga man davė pasitikėjimo savimi, savo nuojauta. Skaitydama dažnai linksėjau galvą, pritariau, atpažinau situacijas iš savo gyvenimo (ne vien santykiuose su uošviais, daug plačiau). Padėjo sudėlioti viską į vietas, išgrynino, susistemino.
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▪️Aiški, suprantama, struktūruota knyga. Kalba - paprasta, neprobleminė, todėl medžiaga lengvai įsisavinama.
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▪️Teorija išdėstoma keliais būdais - dalykiškai ir per gyvenimiškus pavyzdžius. Sužinosite ne tik, kokie būna toksiški uošviai, kaip jie veikia, kokie jų bruožai, bet ir kaip su jais bendrauti, kaip kalbėti apie problemas su partneriu, kaip siekti taikaus bendravimo ir ramybės santuokoje. Labai daug istorijų, įvairių problemų, todėl nesunku susitapatinti.
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▪️Tai knyga ne vien apie santykius su uošviais, bet apskritai apie bendravimą plačiąja prasme. Daugelis patarimų (pavyzdžiui, kaip 'atsikirsti' kritikai, kaip konstruktyviai spręsti problemas ir kalbėtis) yra pritaikomi bet kuriuose žmonių tarpusavio santykiuose.
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▪️Galbūt kažkam užklius, kad knygoje kažkas girdėta, skaityta kitur. Galbūt. Bet man asmeniškai tokie pasikartojimai netrukdo. Jei tai itin svarbu, galiu skaityti nors ir šimtą kartų idant įsisąmoninčiau ir tai taptų natūraliu savaime suprantamu dalyku. Man buvo įdomus kiekvienas puslapis, kiekviena pastraipa. Daug dalykų pasižymėjau, daug dalykų skaičiau po kelis kartus. Žodžiu, aktuali, įdomi ir naudinga knyga.
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🔥Gal nuskambės juokingai, bet skaitydama galvojau ne tik apie savo uošvius, tėvus kaip uošvius, bet ir save kaip būsimą anytą. Kodėl galėtų skambėti juokingai? Nes mano vaikai dar maži, vyriausiajai dar nėra septynerių metų, laiko yra. Tačiau skaitydama svarsčiau, kokios mano silpnosios pusės, kas ateityje galėtų kelti problemų, kaip pasitikčiau marčias ir žentą, ar sunku bus paleisti vaikus iš savojo lizdo. Koks uošvis būtų mano vyras? Kur jo silpnybės? Mintyse moduliavau galimas situacijas ir, žinokit, atsakymų ilgai ieškoti nereikėjo, tos silpnybės ir galimos problemos gan aiškios. Matyt turiu laiko įsisąmoninti, priimti ir išmokti vaikus paleisti, kad pati ateityje netapčiau ta toksiška uošve.

[Jaclyn Gadberry · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has been a fantastic read. Seeing others have the same issues has helped me realize I'm not alone, and that the behavior of my in-laws is not appropriate and harmful. This book teaches you how you can regain control of your marriage, and how to communicate effectively with your partner and how to be a team. Highly recommend

[Clara Castillo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really offered me a new realistic perspective to my current situation. I felt hopeless, no article was giving me the advice i needed. I loved that the book also focused on the contributions and baggage that we bring into relationships. I can't say that I've fixed my circumstance, but i definitely have given up my resentment, and found healthier ways to set boundaries.

[Mindi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was excellent. I highly recommend this for anyone struggling with in-laws that are difficult. I always thought it was me... until I read this book. Then, I realized that my in-laws were driving us away with their actions. So glad I read it... it helped to open my eyes.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was well written with very good examples. There is a section on how to actually deal with difficult people / family at the end. This book was not applicable to my life so I can't really comment on its effectiveness, but it was well written.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Very helpful insights and tools to help anyone take the steps needed to improve their relationships with their in-laws and spouse. Nothing takes the place of in-person therapy or marriage counseling, but a great resource.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some good strategies and examples of things to say, but most of this book assumes the partner is not on board. Whole chapters are dedicated to describing partners who don't get it and how to bring them around to your side.

[Melissa D’Urso · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the layout of this book, and way the author takes common issues and assures the reader that it happens quite often. I didn't really like that the entire book seemed to be based on the premise that the spouse is either unaware or denies the toxic behaviour(s).

[Suzanne Ford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unstuck

Great tools, and strategies on a difficult subject. Felt unstuck after reading this book. There is always a step forward in the right direction, if we have the courage to take it.

[Ellemuskov · Rating 4 out of 5]

This offered great insight into something that I am dealing with. I am so thankful for all the advice in this book. I would definitely recommend this to anyone who is dealing with troubling inlaws.

[Nikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of useful strategies for learning to live with difficult in-laws. Wish I would've found it 25 years ago!

[Jeannie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offered some practical stratgies for navigating in-law issues.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful

Her strategies are very helpful and easy to follow. I would recommend this book to anyone with toxic people in their lives.

[Chunchun · Rating 4 out of 5]

我一光棍边读边想着如何运用书中的道理劝说已婚的朋友们，真是操碎了心。
实际有些适合中国文化，有些不太符合，特别是家庭亲属关系的界限问题。或许，根本上人和人之间相处好坏还是靠缘分，毕竟情商大家都有，只是有时候恰恰对家庭成员展露出最恶劣的一面。