Du sollst nicht merken. Die Realität der Kindheit und die Dogmen der Psychoanalyse

by Alice Miller

Child abuse is beginning to be recognized as something more significant than an isolated family affair. The title of Alice Miller's book, first published in Germany in 1981, spells out the unspoken commandment that such abused children - indeed, all of us - have been obeying since early childhood. We have all been made to feel from our earliest days that we are to blame for anything shameful that happens to us, so that our awareness of these inflicted abuses dims. Alice Miller demonstrates that this centuries-old tradition also finds expression in Freud's notions of "the Oedipus complex" and "infantile sexuality" - his drive theory - which put the blame on the child. Freud maintained that his patients who claimed to have been sexually molested as children were only "fantasizing" as a defense against their own sexual desires for their innocent parents. This theory helped to conceal the fact that sexual abuse of children occurs frequently and results in later emotional disturbances in the victims of such abuse - because they are not allowed awareness of it. In fairy tales, works of literature, and dreams, Alice Miller maintains, the truth about childhood can emerge, precisely because it is not recognized as such. Detailed examples from Kafka, Flaubert, Beckett, and Virginia Woolf offer proof of her thesis and illustrate her understanding of human creativity.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Self Help, Parenting, Philosophy, Health

361 pages, ebook

First published January 1, 1981

About the author

Alice Miller was a Polish-Swiss psychologist, psychoanalyst and philosopher of Jewish origin, who is noted for her books on parental child abuse, translated into several languages. She was also a noted public intellectual.
Her book The Drama of the Gifted Child caused a sensation and became an international bestseller upon the English publication in 1981. Her views on the consequences of child abuse became highly influential. In her books she departed from psychoanalysis, charging it with being similar to the poisonous pedagogies.

Reviews

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alice Miller is a must read psychoanalyst and author for anyone interested in sexual abuse, child development or parenting, among other things.


In this book, as evident in the title, she takes on the poisonous system in which children are manipulated into unknowing, surrounding current or past traumas. She relates this to the idea in many cultures that the adults are always right, while the children are malevolent little creatures with aggressive sexual drives.


She takes on Freud’s instinctual drive theory, which both places the blame on the child for being the impetus of aggressive sexuality, therefore being culpable in their own sexual encounters with adults, as well as regarding later memories of abuse as oedipal fantasies that need not be taken seriously.


Miller uses multiple examples from Freud’s own writing, as well as the writing of Franz Kafka, to show how childhood trauma continues to present itself in adulthood through creative outlets. She argues that the body never forgets, and that eventually, it will present its bill. She also spends some time arguing that it is not these traumatic events that allow the creativity we see in so many authors (implying that we would not have great works of art if not for repressed trauma) but that it is an individual’s ability to experience suffering.


In addition to this, she explains that in order to keep these traumas out of awareness, a cycle begins within the family in which the adult survivor, in order to keep these overwhelming feelings or memories out of consciousness, uses their children as containers for these feelings. The cycle then goes on as each child ‘shall not be aware’ of what is happening to them, and therefore passes this poisonous pedagogy down to their own children.


This is a must read for therapists who wish to work with survivors of trauma and abuse.

[Douwe Van · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly compelling reading, as with all her books. Her hypothesis that the Holocaust can be directly related to the way German children were brought up in the early 20th century is, I believe, not one to be taken lightly. The implications for our war-torn world are enormous, if we were but to take them seriously. A book I can highly recommend.

[Laszlo Mag · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book, but I found it to be quite a heavy read. Possibly more suitable for professionals within the therapeutical community. A lot of what is covered in this book is also covered in her other books. The Drama of the gifted Child might be a better place to start for anyone who wishes to dip their toes into the topic of childhood trauma and/or neglect.

[Lew Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Offers insight in to the ways in which we are socially conditioned to deny that we are being abused
and how we use defense mechanisms to later acknowlede it

[Ivo Lederer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dieses Buch hat mir die Augen geöffnet und meine Weltsicht nachhaltig verändert. Meiner Meinung nach sollte es ein Standardwerk für TherapeutInnen und Pädagoginnen sein, und ich kann nur hoffen, dass die darin enthaltenen Erkenntnisse noch vielen weiteren Menschen bei ihrer Suche nach der Wahrheit helfen werden.

[Sue Lyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alice Miller is one of the most insightful writers on children's experiences of abused childhoods. Anyone interested in children's rights should read this - I would make it compulsory reading for all trainee teachers.

[Tracy Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book after I read Miller's 'The Drama of the Gifted Child', and one definitely compliments the other. Miller's views on psychoanalysis are termed controversial by some, and she knew she would receive a backlash going against the accepted grain of psychoanalytic wisdom. However, the fact that experience and insight cannot always be measured and quantified as 'evidence' does not necessarily make it any less true. Books such as Dr Susan Forward's 'Toxic Parents' owe no small debt to Miller's groundwork. I will not attempt to paraphrase Miller's theories, but if you are prepared to step out of your comfort zone (especially if you are a parent), then 'Thou Shalt Not Be Aware' is indispensable.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

It reads like her other books in that she has a theory about childhood trauma. Her original book The Drama of the Gifted Child was written back in 1979 in German. That book is a phenomenal read. I think all her other books just branch off from that book. This is a great book if you haven’t read any of her other books. This book was originally published in the 1980’s. Her information is as relevant now as it was then. I personally prefer the above noted book.

[Edna Nová · Rating 5 out of 5]

Je docela fajn přečíst sic starší knihu o psychoanalýze, které jasně říká, že důraz na sexualitu či pud u Freuda byl přepísklý a poplatný době, ve které žil Freud.
Plus ještě rozbor Kafky mi spadal do mého Kafka období.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Self-recrimination much? Disassociation? Wearing extra weight like sorrow?

This book resonates with me on a deep level, and yet I myself was never victimized in this way. My sunny nature as an infant gave reason to a cranky older child to think an uncharitable thought, I imagine as the worst that could have occurred to me. Further, that very unhappy thought had such an impact on me that I believe my sensitivity to childhood betrayed is one of my proto-memories, tuning me to the nature of love that feels more like a game of darts.

The title alone. This is why this book is important to me. "The silence of the lambs." The "elephant in the living room." "Emperor has no clothes." The degrees of harm, the levels of harm, do matter to the silenced--"Black Lives Matter"--but we are all participating in the wounding and shushing of the wisdom of the child, the freedom to state the obvious.

[Juliette · Rating 3 out of 5]

Très difficile à lire lorsque l'on est soi-même concerné.e. Assurez-vous d'être entouré.e, de pouvoir en parler avec un.e psy ou des ami.e.s lors de sa lecture. Entre autre a cause des sujets de violences intra-famialles (toute une grosse partie sur l'inceste) qui concernent beaucoup d'entres nous et parce que certains exemples de violences (dont sexuelles) sont trop graphiques.
Lecture lourde et longue mais les propos sont vraiment importants.
Pour les personnes intéressées par le sujet de l'inceste d'une manière plus abordable, je conseille le podcast " Ou peut-être une nuit" (6 épisodes en fait qui font partie du podcast "Intime et politique" de Louie Média).

[Fishface · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good one, on society's across-the-board mistreatment, shaming and invalidation of children, done in the name of shaping them into good citizens. I wonder what Miller would say about the way we micromanage, medicate and over-permissivize them now into becoming career criminals...

[Soaringspirit · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read anything by Alice Miller

[Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very Educational. I learned how to better equip kids for life in America in the 21st century

[Cat · Rating 4 out of 5]

For issues of childhood trauma, there is no finer writer.

[David Steele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing. Truely amazing.

[Missy Crowley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Changed my life. In my top 10 non fictional books

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

"It is not the psychologists but the literary writers who are ahead of their time." -Alice Miller

Enough said.

[Dorothy Nesbit · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the hardback edition by Pluto Press which didn't appear on Goodreads at the time of writing. It follows my reading of The Drama Of Being A Child, For Your Own Good and The Truth will Set You Free. I wish I had read them in the order they were written and would recommend this to other readers.

I wonder if, had Miller written at the end of her career, her writing might be better organised. I found that, for me, the thread wasn't always clear though the content was. (Hats off to her translators.) For this reason, I give the book a four-star rather than a five-star rating. And even as I do this, I am seeing myself as somewhat churlish, because the truth is, I rate Miller's work highly and I recognise that it is exploratory at the time of writing - a work in progress.

In this book, I especially valued her exploration of Freud's work, including a theory of trauma which he expounded and then rejected, in ways which spare the parents of children who later reach out for therapeutic support and who are not served by Freud's later theories. In therapeutic work, it is possible to do more harm than good by abandoning the inner child all over again with a new dose of denial.

I also value highly Miller's refusal to blame parents for the impact of their behaviours, recognising that the parent who can meet a child's every need simply doesn't exist and that parents, just like their children, are the victims of any failures that exist in their upbringing. The idea is not to blame in any way at all but rather to recognise and mourn unmet needs in order to heal trauma.

In writing, I touch on some but not all of the content of Miller's book which is substantial. I finish this incomplete review by expressing gratitude to Miller for her courage in sharing ideas that were, in their day, radical, even amongst their peers. It can't have been an easy path to tread. It paved the way for new ways of thinking, rooted in learning from her patients rather than in loyalty to prior theory.

[Alienne Laval · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book contributed a lot to my "social super-ego theory". I started to distinguish the "I am that I am" and the "social ego"...

"You shall not believe", the Mistress said, "and woe I get you in the temple!" "What about thinking?", I asked. "As long as it is reasonable", she said.

[Keiko SHIKITA Yasushima · Rating 3 out of 5]

邦訳を斜め読み。初版が1983年の古い本でやや読みにくく、予想以上に心理学的な本だった（もっと社会学的な分析を期待していた）。教育という名目で行われる大人による子ども支配がいかに悪影響か、ということが様々な歴史的事実をもとに詳細に記述されている。

[Jakob Pfeil · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.3/5

[April Daniels · Rating 4 out of 5]

Presented as a "Resource for Further Reading" in both the 1992 and 1993 editions of Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods.

[Aron Pinto · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book!

The author is so profound and brilliant! It is amazing the way that she presents her arguments and the depth of her sensitivity and perception. Highly recommended!

[Kenneth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another milestone on trauma research from this brillinat German Psychoanalyst (grew up in Nazi German) who looks at roots of traumatic child abuse, denial, and how this can contribute to the authority and power of totalitarian states.

[Thom · Rating 3 out of 5]

usefulness of her premise wears a little thin with each book -- still, good information to have.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

several copies
bought dec 11 08 trade paperback

[Allison Thurman]

Library

[Anh]

Great book. Very eye-opening. I think I should always have an Alice Miller book on my bedside table.

[Robert Cymbala]

"Enlightened witness" par excellance