What do you think?
Rate this book
Slay Your Dragons With Compassion: Ten Ways to Thrive Even When It Feels Impossible
"This book is an inspiration" - Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love
"Moving and inspiring, filled with humane wisdom that is both tender and compassionately tough" - Jack Karnfield, author of A Path with Heart
When psychotherapist Malcom Stern’s daughter Melissa committed suicide in 2014, he experienced every parent’s worst nightmare and his grief made him challenge every aspect of his work and life. It thrust his growth forward in ways he never thought possible, and Slay Your Dragons With Compassion is the culmination of this process. The book, which includes many exercises, is the distillation of over 30 years’ experience in the therapy room and shows us that meaning can exist even in the worst tragedy. There is revelation, insight, struggle, devastation and winning through against all odds in these stories of ordinary people facing extraordinary challenges. The reader will be transported into the powerful atmosphere of the therapy room and be inspired to make courageous changes in their own life.
"Even in his darkest moments [Malcolm] is willing to face his dragons head on... knowing that ultimately it was only himself that he was facing every time he ran into a so-called dragon." - Craig David, musician
"Moving and inspiring, filled with humane wisdom that is both tender and compassionately tough" - Jack Karnfield, author of A Path with Heart
When psychotherapist Malcom Stern’s daughter Melissa committed suicide in 2014, he experienced every parent’s worst nightmare and his grief made him challenge every aspect of his work and life. It thrust his growth forward in ways he never thought possible, and Slay Your Dragons With Compassion is the culmination of this process. The book, which includes many exercises, is the distillation of over 30 years’ experience in the therapy room and shows us that meaning can exist even in the worst tragedy. There is revelation, insight, struggle, devastation and winning through against all odds in these stories of ordinary people facing extraordinary challenges. The reader will be transported into the powerful atmosphere of the therapy room and be inspired to make courageous changes in their own life.
"Even in his darkest moments [Malcolm] is willing to face his dragons head on... knowing that ultimately it was only himself that he was facing every time he ran into a so-called dragon." - Craig David, musician
- GenresSelf HelpNonfiction
240 pages, Paperback
Published September 29, 2020
10 people are currently reading
106 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
June 16, 2020
This book is inspirational rather than instructional, and I can't shake the feeling that I would've liked it better if it were a biography rather than a self-help book. It's a collection of stories about the people who've attended Stern's therapy groups and how they've slain their dragons, whatever those dragons may be: emotional problems, difficult relationships, unfulfilling careers, or in Stern's case the harrowing story of his daughter's struggle with mental illness and eventual suicide. Many of these stories were very touching and deserved to be more than just illustrations for the theme of the chapter. I wanted to know more about these heroes and how they came into Stern's life, how they blossomed as people and changed him along the way.
The exercises, on the other hand, were scarce and often frustratingly vague. For example, in the chapter on the importance of developing intuition and self-trust – which Stern calls 'your radar' – the exercise instructions are:
In the stories, the protagonists have the therapy group to help them see when they are truly following their radar and when they are allowing themselves to be misled by the ego (in one story, poor Freddie, who is a little bit of a creep, goes through a terrible Maoist struggle session with all the women in the group before he realises his suppressed motivations). It seems like the sort of thing that would be terribly hard to do alone (and, indeed, Stern has a whole chapter about the importance of building a sangha, or support group, to help you slay your dragons).
It's a thoughtful and interesting book, and I'm glad that it's my first Netgalley book – thanks to Mr Stern, Netgalley, and Watkins publishing – I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to know a bit more about how group therapy works but perhaps not to the solitary practitioner looking for a handguide.
The exercises, on the other hand, were scarce and often frustratingly vague. For example, in the chapter on the importance of developing intuition and self-trust – which Stern calls 'your radar' – the exercise instructions are:
Find and develop your radar.But this is hardly helpful for the person who lacks a radar – if you lack trust in yourself then building trust is very difficult, since you have no way of knowing whether or not your intuitions are trustworthy. It takes a radar to find a radar.
Spend some time daily in a meditative practise.
In the stories, the protagonists have the therapy group to help them see when they are truly following their radar and when they are allowing themselves to be misled by the ego (in one story, poor Freddie, who is a little bit of a creep, goes through a terrible Maoist struggle session with all the women in the group before he realises his suppressed motivations). It seems like the sort of thing that would be terribly hard to do alone (and, indeed, Stern has a whole chapter about the importance of building a sangha, or support group, to help you slay your dragons).
It's a thoughtful and interesting book, and I'm glad that it's my first Netgalley book – thanks to Mr Stern, Netgalley, and Watkins publishing – I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to know a bit more about how group therapy works but perhaps not to the solitary practitioner looking for a handguide.
October 7, 2020
No! I think dragons need Greanpeace protection from all the slayering…. But other than that, the ideas In here are great.
It seems that it was the author's personal heartbreak that drove him to create this book. And maybe, just maybe, bits and pieces of could have been developed in progress of some writing therapy sessions.
Lots of author's take on psychodrama!
Internal radarwork sounds enticing:
Q:
When our radar is functional there’s a smoothness to our thinking and our actions. There’s a sense of rightness in our choices. We know, but we can’t logically say why, what we are saying and doing fits with who we are. It’s like finding the sweet spot of decision – when everything becomes aligned. Thinking is clearer and eye contact is unguarded. Our breathing is long and flowing. Our bullshit detector is stronger. We actually start to trust ourselves. We confront our uncomfortable feelings. When we follow our radar we make the decisions that serve us and others best. …
Often our radar guides us in mysterious ways. Like the person who goes to step off the curb, and halts just as a car comes round the corner. Or when we think of someone and they message or phone us. You won’t find your radar in your thinking mind – the way in is through the body, your feelings and your intuition. It’s not logical, and in a society that values logic it is easy to question. Following your radar often means swimming against the tide of society’s perceived truths. (c) Insightful.
Q:
We know when we arrive at a crossroads; we are called to act differently, dispense with old ideas and seek new horizons.
… thriving isn’t about making life comfortable, fun and happy; it’s about finding purpose and making our own unique contribution. Meaningful, authentic living is about what we do with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. (c)
Q:
People join therapy groups for a number of reasons. Sometimes events in their lives have become unmanageable. There might be enduring suffering that they cannot banish. Often they will observe, as I did when I first came to therapy, that there is an uncomfortable pattern in all their relationships and the common denominator is themselves. Their friendships may be shallow and not a true source of nourishment. For others, there is a hunger for meaning, or connection. They want their life journeys to take a different trajectory – they want to know what a healthy tribe or career might feel like. Whether unconscious or conscious, we are all hungry for more depth of connection and more purpose. (c)
Q:
Our depths can show themselves in different ways. (c)
It seems that it was the author's personal heartbreak that drove him to create this book. And maybe, just maybe, bits and pieces of could have been developed in progress of some writing therapy sessions.
Lots of author's take on psychodrama!
Internal radarwork sounds enticing:
Q:
When our radar is functional there’s a smoothness to our thinking and our actions. There’s a sense of rightness in our choices. We know, but we can’t logically say why, what we are saying and doing fits with who we are. It’s like finding the sweet spot of decision – when everything becomes aligned. Thinking is clearer and eye contact is unguarded. Our breathing is long and flowing. Our bullshit detector is stronger. We actually start to trust ourselves. We confront our uncomfortable feelings. When we follow our radar we make the decisions that serve us and others best. …
Often our radar guides us in mysterious ways. Like the person who goes to step off the curb, and halts just as a car comes round the corner. Or when we think of someone and they message or phone us. You won’t find your radar in your thinking mind – the way in is through the body, your feelings and your intuition. It’s not logical, and in a society that values logic it is easy to question. Following your radar often means swimming against the tide of society’s perceived truths. (c) Insightful.
Q:
We know when we arrive at a crossroads; we are called to act differently, dispense with old ideas and seek new horizons.
… thriving isn’t about making life comfortable, fun and happy; it’s about finding purpose and making our own unique contribution. Meaningful, authentic living is about what we do with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. (c)
Q:
People join therapy groups for a number of reasons. Sometimes events in their lives have become unmanageable. There might be enduring suffering that they cannot banish. Often they will observe, as I did when I first came to therapy, that there is an uncomfortable pattern in all their relationships and the common denominator is themselves. Their friendships may be shallow and not a true source of nourishment. For others, there is a hunger for meaning, or connection. They want their life journeys to take a different trajectory – they want to know what a healthy tribe or career might feel like. Whether unconscious or conscious, we are all hungry for more depth of connection and more purpose. (c)
Q:
Our depths can show themselves in different ways. (c)
July 4, 2025
Here is a direct dive into what it takes to be open with integrity. In a culture where the avoidance of tricky and awkward emotional issues is the norm, it’s a good reminder of the importance of being here and now in real and honest ways in our interactions with others.
Although I’m familiar with the experience of therapy as both participant and therapist, the old tendency of not disclosing what’s really going on easily creeps back in. Rather than a dry account of psychotherapeutic practice Malcolm takes us into the therapy room with him, showing us how both the group members and he himself, are equally inevitably flawed, demonstrating how skilful therapeutic practise demands appropriate responses particular to the individual and situation concerned, applying whatever ways are needed for that person to grow and evolve.
Malcolm published this six years after the terrible and shocking suicide of his daughter. In the introduction he candidly shares his struggle in responding to her mental illness preceding her death, including his failure to “fully embrace her in that place of illness and need” as, “He was scared”. This ability to share his own raw emotional truth — without overly laying it on, reflects a man solid and clear enough in himself to demonstrate multi-faceted aspects of his character — who has not only been through it, but worked with his emotional process to grow and heal. This reminds me of Kahlil Gibran’s beautiful words on love:
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant:
I love that Malcolm wrote: “If the book is never read by anyone else, while my ego will be sad, it still has value” which tells us that the act of recounting his own story and the experience of his therapeutic practise has had immense healing rewards.
I’ve read several books on death and our relationship to it, but in his last short chapter, the descriptions of people he has known who have died, including his parents, made me more alive to the reality of dying than ever before .
This book that shows the salience of staying real and heartfelt as a human being and I heartily recommend it.
Although I’m familiar with the experience of therapy as both participant and therapist, the old tendency of not disclosing what’s really going on easily creeps back in. Rather than a dry account of psychotherapeutic practice Malcolm takes us into the therapy room with him, showing us how both the group members and he himself, are equally inevitably flawed, demonstrating how skilful therapeutic practise demands appropriate responses particular to the individual and situation concerned, applying whatever ways are needed for that person to grow and evolve.
Malcolm published this six years after the terrible and shocking suicide of his daughter. In the introduction he candidly shares his struggle in responding to her mental illness preceding her death, including his failure to “fully embrace her in that place of illness and need” as, “He was scared”. This ability to share his own raw emotional truth — without overly laying it on, reflects a man solid and clear enough in himself to demonstrate multi-faceted aspects of his character — who has not only been through it, but worked with his emotional process to grow and heal. This reminds me of Kahlil Gibran’s beautiful words on love:
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant:
I love that Malcolm wrote: “If the book is never read by anyone else, while my ego will be sad, it still has value” which tells us that the act of recounting his own story and the experience of his therapeutic practise has had immense healing rewards.
I’ve read several books on death and our relationship to it, but in his last short chapter, the descriptions of people he has known who have died, including his parents, made me more alive to the reality of dying than ever before .
This book that shows the salience of staying real and heartfelt as a human being and I heartily recommend it.
October 4, 2020
Personal Knowledge, Taking Action, and Emotional Alchemy
While the first two lines of the introduction reveal only some of the takeaways from this book, I found it compelling and inspiring: “It is our challenge to find strength and meaning in the tragedies, fears and confusions that confront us. In discovering ways of dealing with those inevitable events, we have the possibility of alchemizing our experience, turning the base metal of our pain into the gold of wisdom, understanding, enrichment and purpose.”
In the introduction to this book, the author tells a very painful family story of mental illness, including his daughter's suicide. Although the book's description would make it appear as though this is just a professional therapist’s wisdom gained over 30 years of working with patients, it is strongly informed by his own and his family’s personal struggles. The book is transparent and raw in some places, and I loved the insights offered on each of the 10 topics covered. Each chapter starts with a definition of what it means; sometimes he extends this to include a story from his experience. He then drills down into specific aspects of it, providing examples from patients’ experience. But he has not forgotten the reader. Throughout each chapter and at the end of them, he gives you specific ideas about how to apply the concept in your life. Some topics are about being more aware, about both yourself and others, and choosing to act in difficult circumstances. Others are about that alchemy that he talks about in the quote above, about finding strength and meaning in the harder aspects of life. Highly recommended.
I received a free copy of this book, but that did not affect my review.
My book blog: https://www.readingfanaticreviews.com
While the first two lines of the introduction reveal only some of the takeaways from this book, I found it compelling and inspiring: “It is our challenge to find strength and meaning in the tragedies, fears and confusions that confront us. In discovering ways of dealing with those inevitable events, we have the possibility of alchemizing our experience, turning the base metal of our pain into the gold of wisdom, understanding, enrichment and purpose.”
In the introduction to this book, the author tells a very painful family story of mental illness, including his daughter's suicide. Although the book's description would make it appear as though this is just a professional therapist’s wisdom gained over 30 years of working with patients, it is strongly informed by his own and his family’s personal struggles. The book is transparent and raw in some places, and I loved the insights offered on each of the 10 topics covered. Each chapter starts with a definition of what it means; sometimes he extends this to include a story from his experience. He then drills down into specific aspects of it, providing examples from patients’ experience. But he has not forgotten the reader. Throughout each chapter and at the end of them, he gives you specific ideas about how to apply the concept in your life. Some topics are about being more aware, about both yourself and others, and choosing to act in difficult circumstances. Others are about that alchemy that he talks about in the quote above, about finding strength and meaning in the harder aspects of life. Highly recommended.
I received a free copy of this book, but that did not affect my review.
My book blog: https://www.readingfanaticreviews.com
October 21, 2024
This is a book about the personal experience of a psychotherapist who works with groups in an effort to heal psychological and emotional wounds. The author writes sensitively about people he's helpled and his methodology which can be brutal at times, when allowing the group to confront difficult and damaged personalities with no holds barred in order for them to receive and ultimately benefit from hearing the truth. At other times the author's tactic is tender and incredibly touching. But this is not just a book about other people's problems, this work touches on the challenges that affect the author himself both physical and emotional, loss being a big one, and one we will all face at some time in our lives. Ultimately, it's about looking in the mirror and not just coming to terms with but also learning to feel warmth and dare I say love (?) towards what we see.
June 8, 2020
I received a copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
This is an account of what the author has learned through groups, therapy, and life experience.
While the title is appealing, I would have liked some more depth in the anecdotes presented. There are a lot of case studies that are fairly short about how to apply life lessons around grief and anger that I was hoping to explore more. At times the techniques felt superficial, but the concepts sound nice.
I was hoping for more of a how to when this book reads more like cases where it works.
This is an account of what the author has learned through groups, therapy, and life experience.
While the title is appealing, I would have liked some more depth in the anecdotes presented. There are a lot of case studies that are fairly short about how to apply life lessons around grief and anger that I was hoping to explore more. At times the techniques felt superficial, but the concepts sound nice.
I was hoping for more of a how to when this book reads more like cases where it works.
August 6, 2022
Insightful and honest. A truly helpful book. I came to this at a low point in my life and came away with practical steps I could take both towards my own healing and a way out of repetitive cycles of behaviour. There was also much food for thought on other areas I had not considered before. The work with death being one such area. I will go on to consider this in more depth now I’ve finished the book.
Read
May 24, 2020I enjoyed reading this book and learning about how to slay dragons with compassion. The title was catchy, but the book definitely has a strong emphasis on what the author has learned throughout his life as a therapist and in his personal life. This book reminds the reader that sometimes tough conversations are required and can be done with compassion.
Thanks to Watkins Publishing & NetGalley!
Thanks to Watkins Publishing & NetGalley!
April 20, 2023
I loved reading this book. Every single page was filled with kindness, awareness, strength and this vibrant, loving energy. I couldn't wait to read another page and every time I had to stop reading, well, I was a little upset. :D The end made me feel super emotional and grateful for all I have. Big thanks!! <3 Without a doubt 5/5*
November 5, 2023
Milá kniha, neurazí. Český překlad se příjemně čte, jen se nic nového nedozvíte. Každá kapitola končí tím, že daný mechanismus je "jako sval, který musíme cvičit". Titul by se měl jmenovat spíš jako biografie autora, ve které vzpomíná na roky svojí praxe.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews