The Consequences of Love

by Gavanndra Hodge

THE MUST-READ MEMOIR OF 2021

The dazzling days and dark nights of a Chelsea childhood . . .

'Brilliant and moving'  The Times
'Dazzling'  Evening Standard
'Beautifully written'  Marian Keyes
'Unflinchingly honest  Sunday Times
'Superbly written'  Guardian
'A triumph'  i

Her father was a hairdresser to the rich and famous - he was also their drug dealer.

Her mother was an alcoholic fashion model.

Her days and nights were non-stop parties - she spent them taking care of her little sister and putting out naked flames.

And when her sister dies aged nine, Gavanndra is left alone with her grief. Growing up in the dazzling days and dark nights of her parents' social lives, surviving means fitting into their dysfunctional world, while stopping the family from falling apart . . .

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Addiction, Audiobook

320 pages, Paperback

First published May 14, 2020

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was beautiful, heart-wrenching and clearly a labour of love as well as the product of many years of emotional reckoning. I took a bit of a hiatus from reading this when I started my big girl job and suddenly found myself with 0 free time, but once I picked it up again today I finished the rest of the book in one sitting.

Perhaps because this was a memoir, and one exploring some of the most painful moments of the author's life, the 'characters' (can I call them that in a memoir?) and her feelings towards them came across as strikingly complex and multifaceted. There is no strong messaging dictating how we are meant to feel about any of them and no nicely carved out roles they are meant to fulfil in her life. The tension between the love she had for her father and the resentment she still feels for his bad behaviour came across as so raw and unresolved - a reflection of reality and a nice change of pace from the neatly scripted narratives I'm used to.

For me, it was also a fascinating glimpse into the bohemian decadence of the city I love and live in as it stood a few decades ago. I always enjoy these sorts of portals to another time, but what I thought the author did particularly well here was the way she seamlessly moved between times and places, connecting the past with the present without interrupting the storyline. I suppose this is her life after all and the format mirrors how we process memories and trauma.

[Jo_Scho_Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Gavanndra Hodge’s childhood was anything but an ordinary one. Her dad was a hairdresser and drug dealer, evenings filled with hangers on sat round the coffee table waiting to score, while her mum was passed out in the bedroom from alcohol. Their lives were teetering on the brink.

So when her younger sister, Candy, dies on a family holiday abroad, there is no hope left. Their lives implode and alcohol and drugs take over.

This book is Gavanndra’s memory of those days; when she had a sister and when she didn’t. It’s a memory of a dysfunctional crazy childhood and family life, utterly fascinating and horrifying in equal measure. There are highs. There are lows. I admired the author’s honesty in revealing her past and doing her best to remember her long lost sister and to peel away the layers of her charismatic and effervescent father’s character. A mesmerising and often heartbreaking read.

[Chloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a lot of memoirs, and it doesn’t feel right to say this is ‘a favourite’ when what Gavanndra experiences is so heart-breaking, but this is definitely one of the most touching, poignant and unputdownable life stories I have read.

[Paula Maguire · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book about growing up with a junkie Dad, alcoholic Mum and loosing a sibling, Candy at a too tender age. The book really charts how she copes or didn't with the aftermath of the tragedy.
'I remained numb, frozen by the shock of what I'd seen. This feeling did not fade: instead I adapted to it , like a sapling growing around a metal spike, making it part of who I was, not realising this wasn't how a fourteen-year-old girl was meant to feel - detached and disconnected, unable to think about the sister I had lost without seeing a desperate , dying child ' Therapy was not considered in those days and her mum found God, Dad escaped in booze and drugs and she attempts to do the same as she doesn't' want to identify herself with a the tragedy or to be 'that girl, whose sister died' Prompted by having her own two girls, she realised that she did have a sister but could hardly contain a memory of her and this book is basically an account of how she tried to get in touch with her loss and engages with the grief she tried to escape. It's a fascinating read about growing up in London with a father who has a pretty inappropriate relationship with her and her friends and though she doesn't sugarcoat his dealing and grooming - she does love him
'As he let the living room he patted the wooden box on the mantlepiece. 'Night night, Candy,' he said.
She also developed an unhealthy drink and drug habit and had pretty much burned out by the time she sat her GCSES but she pulled herself around
' The solution is to try harder. This is the only thing that has ever worked for me. Keep grafting, never give up, believe in yourself, you'll get there in the end... My plan is to wake up at 5am at least three days a week to write, as well as writing on the way to work and at weekends.
A moving story with a happy ending - she remembers Candy and reengages with her half sister Mardana

[Elle · Rating 5 out of 5]

“In order to feel love, I had to feel grief. She lives inside of me, in my blood and in my bones.”

A gorgeous exploration of how we learn to love again after experiencing grief. Gavanndra Hodge delves into a handful of traumatic past experiences, which are all occurring during what would outwardly appear as an elite, privileged - albeit wild - childhood and adolescence in London. Her stories remind me of Zadie Smith’s quote from Intimations, “suffering is not relative. It’s absolute’.” Hodge’s lonely childhood is heartbreaking, “I thought about school, and the fun stories I told every Monday for show and tell. Stories about the nightclubs I went to, about the models I met, the rockstars I danced with. Stories about champagne and cigarettes. ‘What an incredible imagination your daughter has’ the teachers would say.” Her quest to fill the void left by living with two parents dealing with addiction and the death of her sister leads her down some dark paths, which she depicts in vivid detail. It’s so beautiful when she makes her sister, Candy, a birthday cake with her two young girls on what would’ve been her birthday. I’m glad she grew up and found peace. One of the most beautiful memoirs I’ve ever read. “I am an optimist. Always have been. That is what I share with the girl I was before. My optimism could not be unlearnt. I would be able to deal with the life I was given.” A must read!

[Lauren Pike · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is phenomenally-written. It’s honest and deeply brave, and Hodge writes emotion so vividly. She dances between past and present, love and hate, and good and bad seamlessly. One part in particular gave me goosebumps. I find the concept of memory fascinating, and this memoir really dives deep into how we remember and reinvent ourselves and our stories. I also absolutely love how much value she places on possessions as pieces of people - the idea that a collection of objects can become sacred and signify a life resonated a lot with me. I loved reading this.

[Ophelia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I find myself drawn to books about bereavement suffered by children, which is understandable I guess. I feel the need to understand and see how others who have had to suffered and continue to suffer from a childhood trauma coped and are coping. This book was really good for me.

[Raphael Knight · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me anxious that one day my dad will die lol. Cheerful.

[aliyahdobetter‧˚₊⋅ · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 ⭐️ - This memoir is a stunning exploration of how we learn to love again after experiencing grief. It’s both tender and devastating, tracing her attempts to rebuild a sense of self after the sudden death of her sister, Candy. Her childhood was heartbreaking and lonely, raised by parents struggling with addiction, she tried to fill the immense void Candy left behind, often by chasing distraction or control in dark and self-destructive ways. What makes this book remarkable is Hodge’s ability to write emotion so vividly. Her prose is fluid and reflective, moving between past and present with seamless precision. She doesn’t just tell her story, she reassembles it, piecing together memories like fragments of a shattered photograph. The way she explores memory feels almost sacred: how we remember, how we reinvent ourselves, and how the stories we tell become a form of survival. One of the most moving aspects is her honest portrayal of her parents after Candy’s death, her father retreating deeper into addiction, her mother clinging to religion to forget. Hodge doesn’t vilify them, but she doesn’t romanticize them either. The emotional honesty here feels brave; she allows contradictions, love and resentment, tenderness and pain, to coexist. There’s also something deeply poignant about her reflections on objects, how possessions can become vessels for memory, holding the presence of those we’ve lost. Her understanding of grief is intimate and textured, finding meaning in the ordinary details that tether us to love. By the end, there’s a sense of peace that feels earned. Through therapy, age, and motherhood, Hodge reclaims her life and learns to hold love without fear of loss. This memoir is both easy to read and emotionally rich, an honest, brave, and beautifully written memoir about the power of memory, forgiveness, and finding calm after chaos.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Happy publication day to The Consequences of Love! ⁣
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This is a searingly honest memoir touching on grief, addiction, loss, and family. Not the easiest of subjects then but this is extremely readable. Gavanndra Hodge grew up with her hairdresser and drug dealer to the rich and famous father, her alcoholic ex model mother, and her younger sister Candy. On a family holiday the unthinkable happens and Candy suddenly dies of a rare virus aged just nine. ⁣
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The Consequences of Love is a reflection on an unusual upbringing along with an exploration of grief. As a mother herself, Hodge realises that she barely has any memories of Candy and this book is a journey of discovery back towards her younger sister. ⁣
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Unflinching and honest as this is, it’s easy to read which is testament to Hodge’s writing. This is written from the perspective of a successful career woman in a stable marriage and a happy family. Whether Hodge has achieved all she has despite or because of her upbringing (it’s not my place to make such assumptions) it’s hard not to feel in awe of her and her bravery as she brings Candy back to life through the power of her writing and deals with conflicting feelings towards her parents.⁣
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This is set to be one of the most talked about books of the year - thank you very much to @michaeljbooks and of course @gavanndra for my #gifted copy! ⁣
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[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

In 1989, Hodge’s younger sister Candy died on a family holiday in Tunisia when a rare virus brought on rapid organ failure. The rest of the family exhibited three very different responses to grief: her father retreated into existing addictions, her mother found religion, and she went numb and forgot her sister as much as possible – despite having a photographic memory in general. After her father’s death, Hodge finally found the courage to look back to her early life and the effect of Candy’s death. Hers was no ordinary upbringing; her father was a drug dealer who constantly disappointed her and from her teens on roped her into his substance abuse evenings. Often she was the closest thing to a sober and rational adult in the drug den their home had become. This is a very fluidly written bereavement memoir and a powerful exploration of memory and trauma. It was unfortunate that it felt that little bit too similar to a couple of other books I’ve read in recent years: When I Had a Little Sister by Catherine Simpson and especially Featherhood by Charlie Gilmour.

Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.

[Constanza · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quizás fue un mal momento para leer este libro, porque me costó muchísimo conectar con la historia. Gavanndra Hodge se da cuenta que es incapaz de recordar a su hermana, más allá de la noche en que murió cuando era pequeña. La historia nos lleva a cómo después de esta tragedia, sus padres, un peluquero que vende drogas y una modelo alcohólica, toman distintos rumbos para tratar de superar este hecho y ella queda esencialmente sola, teniendo que crecer rápidamente.
La narración salta en el tiempo entre su infancia, su adolescencia y el presente, lo cual a veces funciona, especialmente en el retrato de su padre, quien inicialmente parece un hombre muy irresponsable y muy amoroso con su hija, pero cuyo retrato termina mostrando la extensión de sus acciones y mentiras. Pero en otras ocasiones, falla en llevarnos a ese espacio emocional que pretende, como es en el caso de su hermana y de su madre, de quienes a penas sabemos nada, hasta el final de la narración, dónde nos enteramos de todo lo que han hecho durante este tiempo.
En general, la narración es especialmente fuerte en su análisis y entendimiento del pasado, pero muestra un relato increíblemente cerrado sobre el luto que no me terminó por convencer. El retrato de su vida actual, llena de lujos y seguridades (que de muchas formas se asemeja a la de sus padres), pareciera no sufrir ninguna consecuencia de lo que ella ha vivido. Y una vez que ella va a terapia y que logra recuperar parte de sus recuerdos sobre su hermana, es como si el tema estuviera completamente cerrado.

[Marie (UK) · Rating 1 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book via netgalley. Foe me it is just a continuous stream of consciousness. Although it has to be said most other people in it spent most of their time unconscious either through Alcohol or drug addiction. Even Gavanndra who says she is not repeating the mistakes of her parents seems to be doing exactly that. I am never quite certain what someone of less than no renown feels that the reader would be interested in their life story. It syas nothing about grief but musch more about personal selfishness in my book

[Jessica]

I enjoyed the self awareness and jumpiness of writing. It went back and forward and was engaging. She did use self deprecating language quite frequently, which I did find slightly upsetting, but overall the tone felt light hearted and positive somehow.

I had trouble reading about her fathers behaviour. I would have maybe liked her to more obviously condemn it, but I guess that’s not her objective in this piece of writing.

[Holly Bishop · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking, beautiful and difficult to read. A deeply personal account of trauma and grief; I’m once again fascinated by how children adapt and suppress their emotions to survive. Will stay with me for a long time.

[Rachel Gambin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoirs are slowly becoming one of my favourite genres. This was so easy to read; I couldn’t put it down.

[Becca Maynard · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.8

[Marnie Cox · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5*

[Andy · Rating 3 out of 5]

First off, this book primarily deals with addiction, a subject-matter that I don't really like to read about, be it in fiction or non-fiction. It just doesn't interest me. When I picked this book up, I thought that the author's sister had actually disappeared when they were children and she had to come to terms with it. Instead this is a book reflecting on childhood trauma and how it can mold and warp memories. If you are into these topics, please take my review with a grain of salt.

I did decide to keep reading after the prologue because I was interested in how the author would go about trying to recover memories of her sister. The writing style was also quite well done and easy to read. I do think that this book focuses on a little explored aspect of trauma and I found the information about it interesting.

Having said that, I did find this book quite choppy to read. I understand that the author can't remember parts of her childhood and teenager years, especially after the death of her sister. However, again and again, there were chapters and chapters on the author's daily life as a child, drug-taking, her as child being surrounded by drug deals and drug users, and then she suddenly revealed something in the present time chapters that should have been part of these scenes. The most mindboggling example to me was her suddenly mentioning that there was apparently another half-sister who lived with the family for a few years during that time? The past chapters just seemed to lack a lot of context that the author than referred to later on, as if it was self-evident: she was a studious kid before her sister died; her family was fun and loving, despite all the drugs and alcoholism. All I got from the majority of the childhood chapters was trauma and drugs. The book is also definitely focused on the father, leaving the mother almost entirely out of the picture in the childhood chapters, which was also frustrating.

I think the main issue for me was that the chapters on childhood lacked a lot of context as to what was really going on, but at the same time the author also didn't really address it in the present time line. I just felt disconnected through most of this book, trying to fit ever new information into what had been presented as the author's childhood. Based on the subject-matter, I also would have expected a bit more reflection on addiction from the author herself. She seemed to be a heavy drug user through her teen years and then just stopped? But at the same time, she mentions again and again how drunk she got at different events during the writing of this book. I really expected this to lead to some kind of conclusion about addiction as a family trait or something similar, but that never came.

Overall, I was a bit underwhelmed by the structure of this memoir, but there were interesting parts and perspectives, especially regarding childhood trauma and how children adapt to their environments.

[Arianne See · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5


"Any man who had given his daughter the kiss of life and had water and blood come back into his mouth and then she died wasn't going to be normal, were they?"

The Consequences of Love is a book about trauma, grief, and being brave enough to reflect on a damaged past. Gavanndra Hodge writes about her drug dealer father, alcoholic mother, and her broken family torn apart by the sudden loss of her younger sister, Candy aged nine. Growing up, her father constantly cheated on her mother with young girls, Gavanndra's friends, and Gavanndra herself was involved in drug abuse. Now sober and grown up, Gavanndra realises that she is still suffering from her childhood trauma which has bled into the present. This book explores Gavanndra's journey of rediscovering herself and her lost sister, touching on topics like grief and pain -- perhaps the consequences we have to bear as we learn to love.

What I enjoyed:
I really enjoyed the writing style of this book, and how she portrays her grief and sadness with such great emotion and rawness. I've grown up in a very sheltered environment, so this book gave me a glimpse into the world of suffering addicts. This book introduced me to the struggles faced by addicts -- struggles that are so so real. Lastly, it got me thinking about grief and how we need to be brave enough to face our grief head-on.

What I did not enjoy as much:
The book was structured in a way that switched back and forth between the past and present which was rather problematic to me. Since I didn't complete this book in one sitting, it was hard to recall what Gavanndra was going through (Likely to be a "me" problem) as the recollection stories were rather choppy. Not to discount any of the trauma Gavanndra experienced, but the stories got rather repetitive (which, on a side note, is also really sad because it really shows how deeply addicted and compulsive her father was)

[Fiona · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was delighted and surprised that I was preapproved for this novel due enjoying The Salt Path (recommended by the way).

I am not familiar with the writing of Gavanndra Hodge, or her father the celebrity hairdresser Gavan Hodge so came to the book with an open mind. I have since learned that her father (and mother), was quite famous, but this did not make her upbringing in any way easier.

This is where some people may have difficulty with this memoir – she comes to term with her sister’s sudden death whilst on holiday. But she does this by recounting her chaotic upbringing. Her father was a drug dealer with a heroin addiction, and she recounts her childhood with startling honesty. This might make it hard for people to read as she was not shielded from the drug taking in any way.

For me what Gavanndra does is recount a moving story of how she managed to come to terms with her past, and her family and move on from the lifestyle to create a different life for her own children. All whilst bringing back into her life the memory of her little sister who died so young.

[Heather Nazmdeh · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is truly a testament to the bravery, intelligence and determination of Gavanndra to be the person she could be, not the person she might have been given her family influences. Although the death of younger sister Candy is a trigger for the breakdown of normal rules of bringing up children, it is not the whole story. The family is fragile. Dad is a drug dealer, Mum is an alcoholic, upbringing children was never going to be normal but all standards really plummet and Gavanndra is given alcohol, drugs, a total lack of guidelines or parenting, cast adrift in a very dangerous sea. She swims, just, but along the way represses all her memories of that awful day when Candy dies. This memoir is how she tries to restore her memories of her sister, revisits her past, condemns her father but still loves him totally. It is very honest, shocking, hopeful, well worth reading.

[Louise (Bookmarks and Stages blog) Cannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Candy (Candida Meander Hodge) died 4th April 1989. This book is about love, loss, grief on a huge scale, dealing with the consequences of the magnitude of grief, identity, drugs and alcohol of dealing with memories and handling life when people fill in the gaps, that have been long since suppressed. This is an emotional read and also one that is perhaps important. As much as there are other people mentioned in the book, like a boyfriend and friends etc, it is ultimately one that focuses your mind on both Gavanndra and Candy Hodge.

It finally becomes about both preserving both sisters. One dead, the other alive and the beginnings a gradual recovery, decades later for the one who is alive. It shows the messiness of life and the need to give time to actually process emotions and to grieve. It's a brave book that in no way could have been easy to write and to bare so much about life in the past and closer to present times as memories are retrieved about the people she associated with and the way her family was and the emotional pain, that she may have thought she dealt with at the time of the death, but had not as it states her own vices. It becomes apparent that, although there is hope and love as she now has a family of her own, with a husband who is different from her father, that it would have been a lot to deal with, enough to hope that some way, Gavanndra Hodge's personal life gets that bit better as more time goes on.

It's also about, perhaps not full recovery, but a merging of the past and present and finding a way to live with them both. There seems to be strings of pain that, like threads that intertwine to create it to run through something, the pain intertwines and feeds through this family and the profound effect Candy's death had on her, into adulthood and the entire surviving family. There is some optimism and hope provided by Gavanndra Hodge as she tells this life story.

There are however, in 1982,  childhood memories of fun like Enid Blyton books, wobbly teeth and fun with her dad. The type of fun that would make any reader smile and may bring back their own childhood memories. There's a cutting darkness of her dad being involved in drugs.

Time moves on to 2014 and Gavanndra naturally grows up and has her own children - Hebe and Minna, with an age gap not far from herself and Candy. It is evident that the memories hits hard when her children are playing gleefully around. At this time Gavanndra works for Tatler magazine as a successful Deputy Editor as she tries to work through the past and yet separate it from her present at times. The writing is powerful, it grabs you from the beginning to the end.
The book covers quite a lot and her mother also becomes terribly unwell with cellulitis and sepsis, both that are challenging to deal with and are thankfully becoming more prominent in certain narratives in the news in recent years. Time moves also to 2015 and there is a sentence, that, for me anyway, hits home even more and that is about how every time a phone rings, you wonder if someone else has died. It will feel so uniquely different for everyone, but at the same time, I know how that feels for me, as Gavanndra will for her.

The book highlights some of the great work of Julia Samuel - a psychotherapist who consoled Princes William and Harry after their mother died and is a founder of Child Bereavement UK. This, apart from being nice, fits in with Gavanndra's personal as well as her ambitious professional life. It is also very interesting to read about the social circles she moves/moved in. 

In 1991 there is a mix of drugs and GCSEs, quite a comparison to later in 2015 when she finally goes for therapy and to try to remember Candy more, the sister who she lost and to release the profoundness and pain of the grief a bit so it becomes more manageable. Reading onwards I hold hope for Gavanndra Hodge that she gets what she is seeking and that her personal life improves as more of what happened to Candy almost tumbles out in some interesting therapies and therapists, except I doubt in reality it did tumble out completely and took time.

There’s a really interesting interview in the last quarter of the book that shines a light on Jan Hodge about the family and tragedies.

The book does ultimately take readers up to 2018 and 2019, where we really get a glimpse into Candy, who seemed vibrant, knew her own mind - bordering on stubborn with and arty flair and friendly and the school reports are fascinating.

This is ultimately a book that is emotional and moving and is very interesting indeed. As much as the years move around a bit from chapter to chapter, it reads very well and does make sense to do this in this instance. It reads like there is a lot of honesty and in the end you cannot but help that there's some more light in the author's life to come. There is in a sense, perhaps more to be told, but the focus is excellent. It deals well with what "The Consequences of Love" can be, and yet we all need love and to be loved.
Check out more on my blog Bookmarks and Stages

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

In ‘The Consequences of Love’ Gavanndra Hodge has written an incredibly moving and life-affirming memoir about her life and her little sister’s death. It is an exploration of why, for most of her life so far, she was unable to remember her much-loved Candy, and what this tells us about her own chaotic childhood and adolescence. Perhaps only as she grew into her adult self – a successful career woman, a wife in a stable marriage and a mother of two adored daughters – did she feel safe enough to acknowledge that there was a Candy-shaped hole in her life.
The author delves into, exposes and unpicks her reminiscences and structures the doing of this in such a way that the prose presents itself as a series of connected dream-like memories. Hodge writes superbly and she never shies away from the often unpalatable truth. The description of primary school Gavanndra forcing herself to stay awake until late at night, feeling the weight of responsibility as safekeeper of the family home, is shocking but never self-pitying. Sitting amongst the stoned junkies in her sitting room, their heroin supplied by her father, she blows out candles and stubs out joints before finally giving herself permission to sleep. It is heart-breaking.
Unsurprisingly, in some respects she is a rebellious teenager. At fifteen she is drinking plenty and taking drugs supplied by father Gavin as he ogles her friends and makes inappropriate jokes. And yet, miraculously, she forgives her parents for their negligence; she studies hard and gains a place at Cambridge; she becomes a successful journalist.
Whilst this is a book about rediscovering Candy as the effects of the traumatic death catch up with the writer, it is also a memoir in which she shines a light up to her mother and father, the former often ignored and the latter once adored. There is anger as she looks at her family through adult eyes and the perspective of time and yet she can also forgive, treasure and accept. In short, what she feels comes from the consequences of love. This is a book which will appeal to anyone interested in fallible families, buried grief, and terrible loss. Yet, it is also an incredibly life-affirming read. This brave woman not only survives but she learns to name and live with her sorrows whilst celebrating all that is good about her life.
My thanks to NetGalley and Penguin UK Michael Joseph for a copy of this novel in exchange for a fair review.

[Daisy Bee · Rating 5 out of 5]

In 1989, during a family holiday in Tunisia, Gavanndra Hodge's younger sister, Candy, contracted a rare virus that shut down all her organs. She was only 9. The trauma of witnessing her sister's death led to Gavanndra's family imploding and in a bid to survive, she suppressed all memories of her sister.

Now, a mother to two young girls herself, she begins to think more and more about Candy, and starts writing about her childhood in a bid to access her buried memories. She begins the process of remembering and this is at times, overwhelmingly painful to read about. A young girl crying out for love, but watching her father take and deal drugs. Her mother, an alcoholic, gets clean, but withdraws into her own world of pain and grief. As she becomes a young teen, she begins to indulge in the hedonistic world of her father, with drugs and drink her way to numb her emotions and bond with a father she adored, but who let her down, time and again.

For me, one of the most beautiful parts of this memoir, is when Gavanndra talks to her own girls about the sister she lost, and they buy as many sweets as they can to decorate a birthday cake for Candy which will become a family tradition. Being able to talk about Candy is healing, and while she doesn't recall all the suppressed memories, dealing with her grief allows her to move from surviving to living - 'In order to find Candy, in order to start living and stop surviving, in order to feel love, I had to feel grief, I had to start remembering and telling'.

This memoir is about memory, trauma and grief - but it is also about love and family and forgiveness. Never self-pitying, it is at times, deeply upsetting and yet ultimately, wholly life-affirming.

[Bryony Leslie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A personal tale of glamour and squalor.
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Gavanndra Lodge’s The Consequences of Love is an intimate memoir dedicated to her remembering the details and dynamics of her childhood, as well as an attempt to conjure memories her younger sister Candy who died suddenly and tragically while on holiday.

As a daughter of a drug-dealing Chelsea hairdresser and an alcoholic model, Gavanndra’s childhood is craved out in scenes of watching people take heroin, the police raiding her bedroom, garish and extravagant meals out, and the uncomfortable depiction of her father’s relationship with her drug-taking friends and herself as teenagers. Chapters alternate between stories of her past and her reflections in the current time of how they’ve shaped her, but the book opens with what the writer can remember about her sister’s death, moving to discover that’s all she can recall about Candy.

Like all memoirs, the book felt more self-serving to the writer than engaging for the reader, holding them removed but engaged. The format of the chapters had given the book a nice rhythm, however, they felt equally unfinished and rushed in some instances, telling what felt like only the half the story of those moments of her life.

It was enticing to be a voyeur of Lodge’s childhood, to discover the charisma of her father and the caring nature of her mother behind the neglect and frivolity of their lifestyle. There were stand out moments about her taking her exams while high and odd stories about her friends which felt like reading someone’s diary
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It was the filthiness of the antics from both her childhood and her journey as an adult which kept me engaged, even if I was uninvested.

[Zara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest, independent review.

"Seven-year-old Gavanndra Hodge's life is a precarious place. Her father is a hairdresser and drug dealer to Chelsea's most decadent inhabitants; her mother an alcoholic ex-model. So, it is up to Gavanndra to keep her little sister Candy safe. But when Candy dies suddenly on holiday aged nine, Gavanndra's family, already so fragile and damaged, implodes.

"Now a mother herself, and with only memories of Candy's awful final moments, Gavanndra embarks on a journey to write her way back to the little girl whose death tore her family apart."

The Consequences of Love is a memoir of trauma, loss and recovery, and Hodges' attempt to remember her young sister, who died suddenly on holiday aged nine. Before I started reading the book, I was unaware of Gavanndra, or her father, celebrity hairdresser Gavin Hodge, so I came to the book openminded. I found her account of childhood and growing up incredibly honest and moving.

The book shows the need to allow yourself to give time to process emotions and brave, and I feel it's an important read for all who have dealt with grief in their life.

[Tilly Fitzgerald · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel almost guilty for enjoying this memoir so much, when it is genuinely heartbreaking. In this memoir, Hodge describes the impact that losing her nine year old sister had on her and her family, most notably her drug addicted and promiscuous father.
I found it hard to put this down - so much has happened to Hodge and it makes for one of the most interesting stories I’ve read. Everything is so well described that I almost felt like a bystander to the hedonism of her father, his friends and later on Hodge and her own friends. How she managed to become such a success both professionally and personally is astounding, and only goes to show the strength of her character. Although I found myself saddened by the betrayals of her father, I also felt what can only be described as envy of their open and honest relationship - whilst he is not necessarily a father we would all wish for, there is something incredibly special about their bond which comes through clearly in the memoir.
Heartbreaking, shocking and inspiring, I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend this beautifully and honestly written memoir.

[Michelle B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Consequences of Love is Gavanndra Hodge’s interesting and incredibly honest account of her childhood. It also documents how she realises as an adult (and a mother of two girls) that she has no memory of her sister, other than the events surrounding her tragic death when Gavanndra was 14 and Candy was just nine years old.
Gavanndra is now a successful editor working for many famous publications such as Tatler. But her childhood was horrendous, and not just because of Candy’s death. Gavanndra’s mother was an alcoholic for many years, and her father, was a drug abuser and supplier. He also had the most inappropriate relationships with many of Gavanndra’s young friends. Gavanndra spent much of her time parenting her parents, and it is not surprising that in later life she has rebelled and has slips of her own.
This is a fascinating read and so very well written.
Thanks to NetGalley, the publishers and author for a Kindle copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Alison Cairns · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard but riveting read mainly set in the world of celebrities and their drug habits in the 80s. Gavanndra Hodge is the daughter of an alcoholic model and a drug dealing heroin addict father who she adores. Her lifestyle is completely normal to her, as a young child staying up until all hours to make sure nobody falls asleep and sets the house on fire. Her younger sister dies on holiday aged 9, and Gavanndra puts this out of her mind although it affects her whole life. She achieves a normal and successful adulthood as a magazine editor with a husband and children, but as an adult looking back at her life she realises it was abusive and traumatic. Her adored father used her to attract her young friends. I don't normally read a memoir or biography but this was fascinating. #theconsequencesoflove #netgalley