Passing Judgment: Praise and Blame in Everyday Life

by Terri Apter, Ann Marie Lee (Narrator)

Our obsession with praise and blame begins soon after birth. Totally dependent on others, rapidly we learn to value praise and to fear the consequences of blame. Despite outgrowing an infant's dependence, we continue to monitor others' judgments of us-and develop what relational psychologist Terri Apter calls a "judgment meter," which constantly scans people and our interactions with them, registering a positive or negative opinion. Apter reveals how interactions between parents and children, within couples, and among friends and colleagues are permeated with praise and blame that range far beyond specific compliments and accusations. Drawing on three decades of research, Apter gives us tools to learn about our personal needs, goals, and values; to manage our biases; to tolerate others' views; and to make sense of our most powerful, and often confusing, responses to ourselves and to others.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction

Audio CD

Published January 9, 2018

Reviews

[Shannon Channels · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid book. Lots of good perspective shifts along the journey of reading it. I liked the way it was structured, but it did take me a long time to work through.

[A Jensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Initially I thought this book would suggest concrete ways to change how I judge people. What I found instead was the book reorients my view of the landscape of praise and blame, helps me reframe the larger context and impact of my thoughts and actions and of others’ towards me. 

I particularly recommend the section on couples. Words of affirmation is just one of the love languages, but Apter makes a good case that sustaining praise and managing blame is the lifeblood of a partnership’s success (147). Why is this? At least in part it comes because “one partner brings to life in the other, through praise, a new or neglected admirable self” (147). And every action is monitored in how we treat that self. I highly suggest reading pg 173’s “revised relational contract” --perhaps upsetting for those who believe in unconditional love, but I find it deeply moving. 

I appreciated reading about biases, illusions, and other defenses  that can undermine my ability to respond with real insight and care. “Once we identify common defenses against blame, we can no longer hold on to our accusations with such certainty and self-righteousness. Once we understand the devastating effect of blaming someone’s character, and take on board the terrible consequences, we are likely to be less reckless” (171). 

I was unfamiliar with any constructive aspects of gossip, and I found her summaries of others’ work and her insights in this area compelling. The social media chapter engaged me less than the others, but recommend if nothing else you read the final chapter.

[Douglas Ulrich · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found that this book was a good synopsis of how judgment is used in our daily lives.

Judgment often involves praise of actions we find good and blame for actions that we find bad and being provided good examples of positive and negatives uses of both praise and blame is enlightening. Praise and blame used constructively can lead to emotionally deep and productive relationships while using them without consideration can lead to trauma and dissention.

While this book does not go as in depth as I would have liked in examples of using praise and blame constructively I find that is a good tease to illicit further reading.

[Kalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a hyper sensitive person I have found the facts and discoveries introduced in this book helped me dealing my "social anxiety" and distorted self-esteem. Because it made me reexamine my thought process in every emotional encounter with objective curiosity and a growth mindset. I'm very glad with this investment of time and it showed me a path out of the constant self-judging habit.

[Steph · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is more about the root of our judgements in families, friends, workplace and social media. The elements that goes into it. It’s cool to know about the information and I find myself seeing the praises and blames of everyday interactions.

[Yushienlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's very interesting to look at criticism from different perspectives. No one wants to be judged, but he/she perhaps can learn something from the judgement!

[Eric Xu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting to read, some insightful information.