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Adoption Through the Rearview Mirror: Learning from Stories of Heartache and Hope
Adoption is a tangible way for families to live out their faith in God and fight social injustice. But is a heart to serve enough to help these families overcome the challenges they will face? After more than fourteen years of working in the orphan care and adoption advocacy world, author Karen Springs set out on a road trip across the US to explore what happens after adoptive families bring their children home and real life begins. Using her own experiences and those of the 63 adoptive families she interviewed, Karen unpacks the lessons we all can learn through the brokenness and beauty of adoption. In this poignant and touching book you’ll discover that your family is not alone in the challenges of the adoption journey, surprising treasures can be found in the harder aspects of adoptive parenting and gaining a rearview mirror perspective of the lesser discussed aspects of adoption can better prepare you for the road ahead. This is a road trip you won’t want to miss! Adoptive parents around the globe are saying this is a 'must read' for anyone on the adoption journey.
232 pages, Paperback
Published May 21, 2020
34 people are currently reading
73 people want to read
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December 7, 2020
I really appreciated Karen's balance of honesty about what's hard and the resilience it takes, combined with trust in God's direction and hope in his redemptive power and goodness in hard things.
Some quotes I liked:
p. 39: As we promote adoption, we must be clear about the kind of preparation families need to parent children who come from difficult backgrounds.
p. 40: How can we present the messaging around adoption in a more transparent and helpful way? What I've discovered is that a prophetic voice is about as effective as a blitz evangelism mission in which there's no follow-up to ensure that individuals are supported in following Jesus in their daily lives. Yes, we need to advocate and invite believers to respond to the needs of children, but we need to do so with honesty and transparency about what following the call will likely entail. A worthy cause might rally the troops, but glamorizing it won't provide the strength or wisdom needed to weather the storms that are likely to follow.
p. 44: Redemption is our hope of heaven; praise God that He allows us to glimpse scenes of that redemption here on earth. The danger is when we inoculate ourselves from the whole truth by listening only to stories with positive narratives.
p. 45: we cannot avoid the fact that the same Gospel that reflects adoption is also one that reflects suffering.
p. 47: One of my friends who is an adoptive mother recently shared with me, "I always try to scare people out of adoption with my crazy stories. I figure if they're truly called to adopt, then what I share with them won't stop them from answering God's call."
p. 55: "I remember thinking that all they need is love--every child deserves to be loved-that's all they need....Nope--that's super important, and it starts there, but they need a lot more than just love. I thought she'd need us or need me, but I really feel like she won't allow herself to need anyone, and that surprised me."
...children, who had typically experienced significant childhood trauma, would need a lot more than love to be transformed and healed.
p. 66: expectations are premeditated resentments.
One adoptive father explained his process well:
"Somewhere along the way, my paradigm switched to be more focused on their perspective than my own. I mean, what a traumatic thing: here are some strangers, go live with them in America! And we were expecting them to conform to us and asking them to trust us. I started to see things differently. We had all the resources. We had a choice. They didn't. When you consider this, the fact that you gain any family ground at all is miraculous. I had to come to the palce where I could see that my notion of "normal" was an idol, and normal might not happen, and I had to be okay with that."
p. 77: Your attachment to others creates an attachment with objects.
p. 78: I've observed that kids who have a weak attachment to their adoptive families are the ones most likely to lack appreciation for the things they receive. Conversely, in homes were children display healthy attachment toward their adoptive parents, they usually express less entitlement and more gratitude.
p. 103: "obedience doesn't come without sacrifice"
As a follower of Christ, this aspect of adoption both humbles and challenges me as I reflect on my relationship with the Lord. I recognize that our daily walk with Jesus will not be sustained if it's built only on warm, fuzzy feelings. Instead, we find the strength to keep walking forward based on what we know to be true, even when our feelings don't match. It's easy to say that love is not a feeling, but I truly believe that as we continue to walk out that truth in our daily lives, we, like these adoptive couples, are offering a sacrifice of praise to God that brings joy to His heart.
p. 111: a calling from God, or even a strong desire to be a family for a child in need, does not mean that a family will be immune to the challenges and potential repercussions that may occur if the natural birth order is disrupted.
p. 112: Parents are wise to have honest conversations with their children before they adopt and avoid glamorizing the addition of new siblings. It's important to talk about the sacrifices that will have to be made, including the extra attention that parents will need to give to this new child.
p. 131: Steve Weber: "Adoption is not charity; it's spiritual warfare."
p. 132: C.S. Lewis Screwtape Letters: "There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors."
p. 133: We need to view children holistically and not look for a demon under every rock. That said, we should not downplay the spiritual aspect of what may be happening and ignore how it can wreak havoc in a home. We need to give consideration and weight to what might be going on spiritually in the life of each child so that we can do battle with evil effectively.
p. 143: "Unless you're in prayer every day about your kids, they're never going to be truly healed...I believe Christ is the only One who can completely fill them..."
"I don't think we fully understood the impact of where our girls came from. They were orphaned because of the work of the enemy. God doesn't will that kids be raised away from their biological parents, so any scenario that makes a kid a social orphan is demonic. There is darkness that created the world they lived in, and they had to learn to just survive. When we took all that darkness and brought it into our house, I wasn't expecting it to expose the darkness in me. I'd been around a lot of kids, but I'd never been provoked in this way before adopting. Usually I am cool under fire; I don't overreact. But suddenly I found myself asking, "where did these dark emotions come from?" I came to realize that my deficiencies were exploited by theirs."
p. 204: Loving kids with orphan spirits - these points correlate with what God spoke to his people through the prophet Ezekiel.
1. Speak truth, even if they don't listen (Ex 2:7)
2. Seek God, taking time away to be in his presence (Ez 1:1, 28)
3. Surgery is needed on your heart and on theirs, as both have become hardened (Ez. 11:19)
4. Salvation comes when your response is based on who God is, not how you feel (Ez 20:4, 9)
5. Shepherding, not badgering is what your children need (Ez 34:1)
6. Spiritual life supernaturally transforms (Ez 37:4)
p. 210: It's part of the human condition to live in the midst of paradox, at the intersection of broken and beautiful. The challenge is learning that God can be found in conflicting realities. As one mother shared, "This whole adoption has reminded me that we are not called to be comfortable. We're meant to step outside of our comfort zone and make ourselves uncomfortable because that's where our growth is."
p. 218: "I am learning about Christ's love in a whole new way. I'm learning that love is about giving yourself constantly. I'm so much closer to the Lord now. ...people see that we chose a radical way to live, and even though we suck at it a lot of the time, they are seeing us persevere..."
p. 220: Going back to the words of Sittser: "But all of this assumes that favorable circumstances--remarriage, employment, health, success-capture the essence of redemption. Then the question becomes, Is a positive outcome really the point? Is happiness the proper goal? Is that what we should expect of God?"
In other words, How do we keep praising God when the story doesn't always go the way we want it to go this side of heaven? Will we grow weary and bitter? Or will we keep pressing into who God is, even when our stories don't seem to make sense?
Missionary and author Elisabeth Elliot once said, "Things which sound like platitudes becomes vital, living, and powerful when you have to learn them in the bottom of the barrel, in dark tunnels." At times the adoption road can feel more like a dark tunnel than an open road where we cruise past corn fields under clear blue skies. But only in the dark tunnel can any platitudes we have declared from ivory towers be tested through the reality of our experiences.
Some quotes I liked:
p. 39: As we promote adoption, we must be clear about the kind of preparation families need to parent children who come from difficult backgrounds.
p. 40: How can we present the messaging around adoption in a more transparent and helpful way? What I've discovered is that a prophetic voice is about as effective as a blitz evangelism mission in which there's no follow-up to ensure that individuals are supported in following Jesus in their daily lives. Yes, we need to advocate and invite believers to respond to the needs of children, but we need to do so with honesty and transparency about what following the call will likely entail. A worthy cause might rally the troops, but glamorizing it won't provide the strength or wisdom needed to weather the storms that are likely to follow.
p. 44: Redemption is our hope of heaven; praise God that He allows us to glimpse scenes of that redemption here on earth. The danger is when we inoculate ourselves from the whole truth by listening only to stories with positive narratives.
p. 45: we cannot avoid the fact that the same Gospel that reflects adoption is also one that reflects suffering.
p. 47: One of my friends who is an adoptive mother recently shared with me, "I always try to scare people out of adoption with my crazy stories. I figure if they're truly called to adopt, then what I share with them won't stop them from answering God's call."
p. 55: "I remember thinking that all they need is love--every child deserves to be loved-that's all they need....Nope--that's super important, and it starts there, but they need a lot more than just love. I thought she'd need us or need me, but I really feel like she won't allow herself to need anyone, and that surprised me."
...children, who had typically experienced significant childhood trauma, would need a lot more than love to be transformed and healed.
p. 66: expectations are premeditated resentments.
One adoptive father explained his process well:
"Somewhere along the way, my paradigm switched to be more focused on their perspective than my own. I mean, what a traumatic thing: here are some strangers, go live with them in America! And we were expecting them to conform to us and asking them to trust us. I started to see things differently. We had all the resources. We had a choice. They didn't. When you consider this, the fact that you gain any family ground at all is miraculous. I had to come to the palce where I could see that my notion of "normal" was an idol, and normal might not happen, and I had to be okay with that."
p. 77: Your attachment to others creates an attachment with objects.
p. 78: I've observed that kids who have a weak attachment to their adoptive families are the ones most likely to lack appreciation for the things they receive. Conversely, in homes were children display healthy attachment toward their adoptive parents, they usually express less entitlement and more gratitude.
p. 103: "obedience doesn't come without sacrifice"
As a follower of Christ, this aspect of adoption both humbles and challenges me as I reflect on my relationship with the Lord. I recognize that our daily walk with Jesus will not be sustained if it's built only on warm, fuzzy feelings. Instead, we find the strength to keep walking forward based on what we know to be true, even when our feelings don't match. It's easy to say that love is not a feeling, but I truly believe that as we continue to walk out that truth in our daily lives, we, like these adoptive couples, are offering a sacrifice of praise to God that brings joy to His heart.
p. 111: a calling from God, or even a strong desire to be a family for a child in need, does not mean that a family will be immune to the challenges and potential repercussions that may occur if the natural birth order is disrupted.
p. 112: Parents are wise to have honest conversations with their children before they adopt and avoid glamorizing the addition of new siblings. It's important to talk about the sacrifices that will have to be made, including the extra attention that parents will need to give to this new child.
p. 131: Steve Weber: "Adoption is not charity; it's spiritual warfare."
p. 132: C.S. Lewis Screwtape Letters: "There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors."
p. 133: We need to view children holistically and not look for a demon under every rock. That said, we should not downplay the spiritual aspect of what may be happening and ignore how it can wreak havoc in a home. We need to give consideration and weight to what might be going on spiritually in the life of each child so that we can do battle with evil effectively.
p. 143: "Unless you're in prayer every day about your kids, they're never going to be truly healed...I believe Christ is the only One who can completely fill them..."
"I don't think we fully understood the impact of where our girls came from. They were orphaned because of the work of the enemy. God doesn't will that kids be raised away from their biological parents, so any scenario that makes a kid a social orphan is demonic. There is darkness that created the world they lived in, and they had to learn to just survive. When we took all that darkness and brought it into our house, I wasn't expecting it to expose the darkness in me. I'd been around a lot of kids, but I'd never been provoked in this way before adopting. Usually I am cool under fire; I don't overreact. But suddenly I found myself asking, "where did these dark emotions come from?" I came to realize that my deficiencies were exploited by theirs."
p. 204: Loving kids with orphan spirits - these points correlate with what God spoke to his people through the prophet Ezekiel.
1. Speak truth, even if they don't listen (Ex 2:7)
2. Seek God, taking time away to be in his presence (Ez 1:1, 28)
3. Surgery is needed on your heart and on theirs, as both have become hardened (Ez. 11:19)
4. Salvation comes when your response is based on who God is, not how you feel (Ez 20:4, 9)
5. Shepherding, not badgering is what your children need (Ez 34:1)
6. Spiritual life supernaturally transforms (Ez 37:4)
p. 210: It's part of the human condition to live in the midst of paradox, at the intersection of broken and beautiful. The challenge is learning that God can be found in conflicting realities. As one mother shared, "This whole adoption has reminded me that we are not called to be comfortable. We're meant to step outside of our comfort zone and make ourselves uncomfortable because that's where our growth is."
p. 218: "I am learning about Christ's love in a whole new way. I'm learning that love is about giving yourself constantly. I'm so much closer to the Lord now. ...people see that we chose a radical way to live, and even though we suck at it a lot of the time, they are seeing us persevere..."
p. 220: Going back to the words of Sittser: "But all of this assumes that favorable circumstances--remarriage, employment, health, success-capture the essence of redemption. Then the question becomes, Is a positive outcome really the point? Is happiness the proper goal? Is that what we should expect of God?"
In other words, How do we keep praising God when the story doesn't always go the way we want it to go this side of heaven? Will we grow weary and bitter? Or will we keep pressing into who God is, even when our stories don't seem to make sense?
Missionary and author Elisabeth Elliot once said, "Things which sound like platitudes becomes vital, living, and powerful when you have to learn them in the bottom of the barrel, in dark tunnels." At times the adoption road can feel more like a dark tunnel than an open road where we cruise past corn fields under clear blue skies. But only in the dark tunnel can any platitudes we have declared from ivory towers be tested through the reality of our experiences.
August 2, 2020
Adoption books and bloggers represent a myriad of philosophies and opinions. I love this book is based on real life stories and testimonies of real people with real life experience. This isn’t about counselors who are trained to help kids and then send them home. This isn’t about leaders of organizations convincing people to adopt. It’s the authentic good, bad, and ugly of living a life of adoption. We don’t need blind advocacy. We don’t need strong resistance. We need to be equipped to walk the lifelong journey of adoption, and this book is helpful. Even being far on the other side of adoption, I found myself encouraged, comforted, challenged, humbled and reminded of how special and hard the adoption journey is. I’m grateful for the way God has positioned Karen Springs in the orphan advocacy world, for her insight, for her support and courage to write in a space where many would avoid.
January 28, 2024
As an adoptive parent of children at varying ages this book was encouraging and painted a realistic picture of what adoption often looks like. (Regardless of age of child, domestic or international) Hearing other families stories of hope, hard & heartbreak was reassuring and a good reminder that every child’s story and trauma is different. My prayer would be that this book would help adoptive families who are in the messy middle see that they aren’t alone as well as help potential adoptive families to have a clearer picture of what adoption could look like. If God has truly called families to adopt this book will not deter but prepare. Thank you Karen for your wisdom and your love for families, it is evident in your story.
Read
May 13, 2021An eye-opening glimpse into the world I live in. From the outside, we look like a great family. From the inside, it's a nightmare of trauma leading the emotions of our children, and us as parents trying to lead them to Jesus. This well-written book brings hope to the forefront of understanding the realities of trauma in Adoption.
May 16, 2021
Well, this was a weird read. Totally normal post trauma advice, nothing weird, then all the sudden, the advice to check your child for demonic possession...that was an interesting twist. Not so common maybe to see that kind of chapter in the middle of what otherwise seems like a fairly reasonable book.
January 1, 2022
Fair treatment of adoption
This book provides good insight into adoption of older, traumatized children. It gives a balanced view of the realities of this choice. It also gives a good perspective on where God is in the scheme of things. I commend the author for tackling this topic and for remaining neutral as she reported her findings.
This book provides good insight into adoption of older, traumatized children. It gives a balanced view of the realities of this choice. It also gives a good perspective on where God is in the scheme of things. I commend the author for tackling this topic and for remaining neutral as she reported her findings.
March 24, 2021
Great reflections on the challenges of adoption alongside the joys. Honest, clear-eyed, but not cynical look.
June 22, 2021
Highly recommend for anyone who has adopted, especially internationally.
February 27, 2024
I read this book the year it came out, but I just finished the NEW audio version on Audible and I highly recommend it. Karen's heart for children, adoption, Ukraine, and the Gospel come through in her voice, her reading, and in her well-thought out, metaphorical method of presenting people with a very hard subject...adoption. It isn't all hugs & kisses. It is painful. There is a process and it is a journey, sometimes a hard road for some, and it doesn't always end how you would expect. But...there are lessons to be learned in the leaning in, and listening to those who have walked (or should I say driven) this way before.
If you are considering adoption, please read or listen to Karen's story. You will be blessed by her candor, thankful for her wisdom, and appreciative of her bravery to say things that need to be said, and tell stories that highlight the truth, hope, and heartache of adoption.
If you are considering adoption, please read or listen to Karen's story. You will be blessed by her candor, thankful for her wisdom, and appreciative of her bravery to say things that need to be said, and tell stories that highlight the truth, hope, and heartache of adoption.
June 18, 2021
This had some helpful bits. Definitely skipped the chapter on spiritual warfare.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews