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The Devil Inside
Their love was innocent and pure… Until they were forced to believe differently. Until they were brutally schooled on the “right” way to love.Oakland is not gay. Jameson is not gay.Being gay is wrong. It is immoral. It is a sickness they must fight. It is the devil inside that needs to be purged.At least that’s what they’ve been conditioned to believe.They’ve spent years trudging through the wreckage left behind after eight months in conversion therapy as teenagers.When their lives collide again fifteen years later, the denial they’ve lived with for years gets harder and harder to fight.They loved each other once. Can two broken men find a way to love each other again?The Devil Inside is a higher angst, second chance, MM Romance novel with a HEA. **Please heed trigger warnings. Use Look Inside feature before purchasing to view them**
301 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 26, 2020
165 people are currently reading
940 people want to read
About the author
Nicky James
76 books2,268 followersI live in the small town of Petrolia, Ontario, Canada and I am a mother to a wonderful teenage boy (didn't think those words could be typed together...surprise) and wife to a truly supportive and understanding husband, who thankfully doesn't think I'm crazy.
I have always had two profound dreams in life. To fall back hundreds of years in time and live in a simpler world, not bogged down by technology and to write novels. Since only one of these was a possibility I decided to make the other come alive on paper.
I write mm romance novels that take place in fantastical medieval type settings and love to use the challenges of the times to give my stories and characters life.
I have always had two profound dreams in life. To fall back hundreds of years in time and live in a simpler world, not bogged down by technology and to write novels. Since only one of these was a possibility I decided to make the other come alive on paper.
I write mm romance novels that take place in fantastical medieval type settings and love to use the challenges of the times to give my stories and characters life.
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January 20, 2025
reread (2): august 2021
I lifted his head, pressed my forehead to his, and searched his eyes. “Every time that blade carves your skin, it carves at a piece of my heart too. It hurts, JJ. Deep inside. This”—I squeezed his neck, emphasizing our connection—“isn’t wrong or bad. I need you to believe it. When I walk out this door, you tell yourself on repeat, you deserve this. You deserve to be happy in your own skin.”
um. is it weird to consider a book that brought you nothing but pain one of your comfort books?? bc that’s exactly what this book is for me. yes, i love angst in my romances, but i think what’s satisfying about Oakland and JJ’s story is seeing them have their hea bc it felt like the pain was worth it, just to see them happy in the end. 🥺 oh, and honestly, i would have loved to see flashback scenes of these two during their teenage years, before they were sent to conversion therapy bc it was one of the happiest times of their lives and it would have been filled with cute moments that i wanted this book to have, aside from the pain and hurt. 😭 anyways, my love for Oakland/JJ knows no bounds. Geraldine too, obviously. especially her. she’s my spirit animal. ♡
⊱ ──────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ────── ⊰
reread (1): june 2021
❝ I'll go, but think about this. All those urges you suppress, all that hate you carry in your heart, what would happen if you set it free? Would the world burn down? ❞
i never had any doubts i'd love this just as much the second time around, simply because it's one of those books i still think about to this day. the romance between Oakland and Jameson was super intense, heartbreaking but also beautiful. what both heroes went through in the past, i hurt for them, and their journey throughout the book wasn't easy but it was so worth it just to see them have the hea they deserved. Oakland is still my favorite; i loved his patience and the way he never gave up on Jameson, no matter how hard it was for both of them whereas, with Jameson, my heart hurt for him. so much. bless most of the side characters for being supportive of these two, especially Geraldine. i loved her!! if you're in the mood to read something that will bring you pain but heal your heart at the same time, i'd highly recommend this! <3
(feel free to check my original review below for trigger warnings before deciding if you wanna read this or not!)
⊱ ──────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ────── ⊰
original review:
5++ stars ☆
this was angst at its finest and I loved every minute of it! Both heroes were amazing characters, especially Oakland. <3 they had their ups and downs throughout the book—especially downs—but, in the end, they rose above it and I loved reading their growth and acceptance to who they truly were. Geraldine is my spirit animal and her relationship with Jameson was the cutest. 🥺🥺 also, I wish Micah and Wally had their own book, I would love to read their story. I loved how Oakland’s ex-wife, Amanda, was supportive and, tho it wasn’t easy for her, she didn’t try to be that person to break them apart for revenge or jealousy. Highly recommend this! 💖
t/w (these are stated in the beginning of the book, but in case you’d want to know beforehand):
I lifted his head, pressed my forehead to his, and searched his eyes. “Every time that blade carves your skin, it carves at a piece of my heart too. It hurts, JJ. Deep inside. This”—I squeezed his neck, emphasizing our connection—“isn’t wrong or bad. I need you to believe it. When I walk out this door, you tell yourself on repeat, you deserve this. You deserve to be happy in your own skin.”
um. is it weird to consider a book that brought you nothing but pain one of your comfort books?? bc that’s exactly what this book is for me. yes, i love angst in my romances, but i think what’s satisfying about Oakland and JJ’s story is seeing them have their hea bc it felt like the pain was worth it, just to see them happy in the end. 🥺 oh, and honestly, i would have loved to see flashback scenes of these two during their teenage years, before they were sent to conversion therapy bc it was one of the happiest times of their lives and it would have been filled with cute moments that i wanted this book to have, aside from the pain and hurt. 😭 anyways, my love for Oakland/JJ knows no bounds. Geraldine too, obviously. especially her. she’s my spirit animal. ♡
⊱ ──────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ────── ⊰
reread (1): june 2021
❝ I'll go, but think about this. All those urges you suppress, all that hate you carry in your heart, what would happen if you set it free? Would the world burn down? ❞
i never had any doubts i'd love this just as much the second time around, simply because it's one of those books i still think about to this day. the romance between Oakland and Jameson was super intense, heartbreaking but also beautiful. what both heroes went through in the past, i hurt for them, and their journey throughout the book wasn't easy but it was so worth it just to see them have the hea they deserved. Oakland is still my favorite; i loved his patience and the way he never gave up on Jameson, no matter how hard it was for both of them whereas, with Jameson, my heart hurt for him. so much. bless most of the side characters for being supportive of these two, especially Geraldine. i loved her!! if you're in the mood to read something that will bring you pain but heal your heart at the same time, i'd highly recommend this! <3
(feel free to check my original review below for trigger warnings before deciding if you wanna read this or not!)
⊱ ──────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ────── ⊰
original review:
5++ stars ☆
this was angst at its finest and I loved every minute of it! Both heroes were amazing characters, especially Oakland. <3 they had their ups and downs throughout the book—especially downs—but, in the end, they rose above it and I loved reading their growth and acceptance to who they truly were. Geraldine is my spirit animal and her relationship with Jameson was the cutest. 🥺🥺 also, I wish Micah and Wally had their own book, I would love to read their story. I loved how Oakland’s ex-wife, Amanda, was supportive and, tho it wasn’t easy for her, she didn’t try to be that person to break them apart for revenge or jealousy. Highly recommend this! 💖
t/w (these are stated in the beginning of the book, but in case you’d want to know beforehand):
October 22, 2021
3 stars.
✨ second-chance-romance.
✨ lots of trauma and suffering.
✨ lots of self-hatred.
✨ lots of angst.
✨ trigger warnings for conversion therapy, homophobic parents, alcohol and substance abuse, self-harm, violence, suicidal ideation, internalized homophobia, sex work shaming.
✨ a hard-earned HEA.
this was my first book by Nicky James and honestly i expected to love it more than i did.
don't get me wrong, i still enjoyed this overall and it definitely wasn't a bad book. my expectations were quite high going in though, so maybe the fact that i didn't love this was my own fault lol.
anyways i was still quite happy when the mcs finally accepted themselves and eventually got their HEA.
”we weren’t fixed, we weren’t better, but we were on this road together. i wasn’t naive. i didn’t expect miracles, but love was a powerful thing, and maybe it would be enough to take us through to the other side.”
“love was too powerful of an emotion to be dominated by anything else. it would prevail.
the shadows of my past remained, but that was all they were, shadows. i’d moved into the light with Oakland. the man who’d taught me how to love as a boy. the man who reminded me i hadn’t forgotten how. i’d just buried it deep inside.” 🖤
✨ second-chance-romance.
✨ lots of trauma and suffering.
✨ lots of self-hatred.
✨ lots of angst.
✨ trigger warnings for conversion therapy, homophobic parents, alcohol and substance abuse, self-harm, violence, suicidal ideation, internalized homophobia, sex work shaming.
✨ a hard-earned HEA.
this was my first book by Nicky James and honestly i expected to love it more than i did.
don't get me wrong, i still enjoyed this overall and it definitely wasn't a bad book. my expectations were quite high going in though, so maybe the fact that i didn't love this was my own fault lol.
anyways i was still quite happy when the mcs finally accepted themselves and eventually got their HEA.
”we weren’t fixed, we weren’t better, but we were on this road together. i wasn’t naive. i didn’t expect miracles, but love was a powerful thing, and maybe it would be enough to take us through to the other side.”
“love was too powerful of an emotion to be dominated by anything else. it would prevail.
the shadows of my past remained, but that was all they were, shadows. i’d moved into the light with Oakland. the man who’d taught me how to love as a boy. the man who reminded me i hadn’t forgotten how. i’d just buried it deep inside.” 🖤
June 12, 2020
3.5 Stars
The key to happiness is learning to accept and love yourself. Only then will you truly be at peace.
There is a beast living inside Oak. He is tired of it, the thoughts, the affects it has on his marriage… He needs it to be silenced. He is so tired of fighting. Not feeling anything is better than fighting. So he preferred the comfort in numbness, bringing by alcohol and…
The world was crumbling around me, burying me alive. Suffocating me.
And I’d lost the ability to fight back. The walls were flimsy. My willpower was depleted.
Jameson’s life is all pretending and all fake. He’s what people expected him to be. He never lets anyone see his real, his truth. He lives a lie…
I am the damned. I have the devil inside me. I cannot fight him. He wins every time. God has forsaken me.
"The Devil Inside" is about two broken men who are wearing a mask every day so no one could see the devil lives inside them and trying to get out every day. Two men who have suffered things that no person should have endured, two damaged men who don’t know what’s normal anymore. They can’t trust what they feel, they can’t rely on their actions, their feelings…
Told in dual POV, 1st person, it’s a standalone novel. It’s emotional and angsty AND you should be in the right mindset to read this. You should proceed with caution; it’s heavy on depression, self-harm, addiction, and suicidal thoughts. It started off really good but then the pain was continuing and continuing and… It became a little bit exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, it's well written and I know how much Nicky James is talented, I’m a big fan of her but as I said the right mindset is very important here (this is my opinion). Hope you enjoy this!
The key to happiness is learning to accept and love yourself. Only then will you truly be at peace.
There is a beast living inside Oak. He is tired of it, the thoughts, the affects it has on his marriage… He needs it to be silenced. He is so tired of fighting. Not feeling anything is better than fighting. So he preferred the comfort in numbness, bringing by alcohol and…
The world was crumbling around me, burying me alive. Suffocating me.
And I’d lost the ability to fight back. The walls were flimsy. My willpower was depleted.
Jameson’s life is all pretending and all fake. He’s what people expected him to be. He never lets anyone see his real, his truth. He lives a lie…
I am the damned. I have the devil inside me. I cannot fight him. He wins every time. God has forsaken me.
"The Devil Inside" is about two broken men who are wearing a mask every day so no one could see the devil lives inside them and trying to get out every day. Two men who have suffered things that no person should have endured, two damaged men who don’t know what’s normal anymore. They can’t trust what they feel, they can’t rely on their actions, their feelings…
Told in dual POV, 1st person, it’s a standalone novel. It’s emotional and angsty AND you should be in the right mindset to read this. You should proceed with caution; it’s heavy on depression, self-harm, addiction, and suicidal thoughts. It started off really good but then the pain was continuing and continuing and… It became a little bit exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, it's well written and I know how much Nicky James is talented, I’m a big fan of her but as I said the right mindset is very important here (this is my opinion). Hope you enjoy this!
January 12, 2026
*re-listening January 2026*
*March 2024
Re-listened and can’t add anything new to my review. It was still beautiful and painful at the same time. A true masterpiece.*
Audiobook narrated by Nick J. Russo ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Where to begin?! What to say about a book that left me speechless, a book that left me feeling EVERYTHING?! My heart broke for JJ and Oak. Their story was one of the most painful I ever read, and Nick J. Russo does such a tremendous job bringing them to life!
My most cherished books are usually the most angsty ones. The ones where the mc's have to fight hard for their hea, the reward of that worth every second of their feelings of hopelessness, of their fear, their tears, their depressive thoughts, their hurt. But I don't think I ever read a book where I wondered how they would ever, EVER reach that moment of true happiness, the moment where they would finally be together and dare to be happy. This book was so, so hard. Each time JJ hurt himself, every time he allowed his inner self hatred to do things that were bad for him, I hurt. My heart broke for him multiple times, as it did for Oakland. It broke for the both of them, bled for them, and even though the ending was healing, I'm sure there will be scars left.
So, first of all: this book is not for everyone. There are a lot of triggers, and I advise you to read them - they are mentioned for a reason. They include conversion therapy, self harm, suicidal thoughts, drugs abuse, internal homophobia, external homophobia, struggles with religious faith - I'm sure I even forget some. But please, be aware of them before reading this book.
This book is the story of Jameson and Oakland, two men who fell in love with each other as teenagers. They were discovered, though, and sent to a facility that 'would make them better' - conversion therapy. That was fifteen years ago, and neither have recovered from the brain washing practices. If anything, they both suffer tremendously. Both in different ways, but fact is that they hate themselves for having 'bad desires' and they struggle with life. Both aren't living, they are just barely surviving.
Oakland has married, because he thought if he did, he would prove to himself and the world he would be healed, he wouldn't be sick anymore. But of course the marriage isn't working for obvious reasons. He drowns himself in pills and drugs and booze and can barely manage to go through daily life.
Jameson wears different masks all the time. His religious parents believe he has been healed and hope for him to find a nice girl and settle down. But in the dark alleys at night, Jameson searches for men to hurt him, to punish him for the cravings he has that are proof he's still sick. His religious upbringing makes him believe the devil is living inside him, making him do all the things he doesn't want to do. Making him sick. He hates himself for it. He harms himself and has been admitted to a mental health hospital several times for more than one suicide attempt. The one bright light in his life is Geraldine, an older lady he met through his parents, who used to attend the same church as they did. When her son is too busy, he takes care of her. Even though her mind isn't what it used to be and she confuses things and memory's, she loves 'her Jimmy' and she's one of the best things that happened to Jameson (JJ). I loved how Nicky James 'used' Geraldine to enlighten the story every now and then. She's such a special character - sweet, and in her confused mind, she sometimes says the nicest things - and so true without realizing! Or does she...?) That's why I love Nicky James's books. She is the queen of angst for a reason, but she also knows how to balance the angst with a bit of humor and sweet secondary characters. I also had a lot of love for Amanda, Oakland's (ex)wife, for how she responded when he told her the truth. She was hurt too, and yet she tried to be there for Oakland too, understanding how he was hurt and damaged with the conversion therapy, how he could hardly be held responsible for the mess that was his life.
Maybe this book was even more intense because I listened to it. Nick J. Russo did such a great job with both JJ and Oakland! The tremors in his voice when JJ was at the verge of crying brought tears to my eyes too. When JJ is unreasonably angry with himself, when he drives Oakland away because he is angry with him too, when he's looking for men to physically abuse him just so he could feel the punishment he deserves...It was so, so hard to listen to! I believe with this book, Nicky James and Nick J. Russo are a perfect match.
Some of my friends might remember I haven't been doing audio books for a very long time yet, but it's books like these where the audio adds so many extra layers to the story, that my only regret is that I haven't picked up on audio sooner. I'm not saying that every book will be better when listened to, because I doubt that too, but for some books it's just that perfect extra touch that makes you feel on a deeper level.
Highly recommended!!!
I kindly received a free copy and this is my voluntary, honest review
*March 2024
Re-listened and can’t add anything new to my review. It was still beautiful and painful at the same time. A true masterpiece.*
Audiobook narrated by Nick J. Russo ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Where to begin?! What to say about a book that left me speechless, a book that left me feeling EVERYTHING?! My heart broke for JJ and Oak. Their story was one of the most painful I ever read, and Nick J. Russo does such a tremendous job bringing them to life!
My most cherished books are usually the most angsty ones. The ones where the mc's have to fight hard for their hea, the reward of that worth every second of their feelings of hopelessness, of their fear, their tears, their depressive thoughts, their hurt. But I don't think I ever read a book where I wondered how they would ever, EVER reach that moment of true happiness, the moment where they would finally be together and dare to be happy. This book was so, so hard. Each time JJ hurt himself, every time he allowed his inner self hatred to do things that were bad for him, I hurt. My heart broke for him multiple times, as it did for Oakland. It broke for the both of them, bled for them, and even though the ending was healing, I'm sure there will be scars left.
So, first of all: this book is not for everyone. There are a lot of triggers, and I advise you to read them - they are mentioned for a reason. They include conversion therapy, self harm, suicidal thoughts, drugs abuse, internal homophobia, external homophobia, struggles with religious faith - I'm sure I even forget some. But please, be aware of them before reading this book.
This book is the story of Jameson and Oakland, two men who fell in love with each other as teenagers. They were discovered, though, and sent to a facility that 'would make them better' - conversion therapy. That was fifteen years ago, and neither have recovered from the brain washing practices. If anything, they both suffer tremendously. Both in different ways, but fact is that they hate themselves for having 'bad desires' and they struggle with life. Both aren't living, they are just barely surviving.
Oakland has married, because he thought if he did, he would prove to himself and the world he would be healed, he wouldn't be sick anymore. But of course the marriage isn't working for obvious reasons. He drowns himself in pills and drugs and booze and can barely manage to go through daily life.
Jameson wears different masks all the time. His religious parents believe he has been healed and hope for him to find a nice girl and settle down. But in the dark alleys at night, Jameson searches for men to hurt him, to punish him for the cravings he has that are proof he's still sick. His religious upbringing makes him believe the devil is living inside him, making him do all the things he doesn't want to do. Making him sick. He hates himself for it. He harms himself and has been admitted to a mental health hospital several times for more than one suicide attempt. The one bright light in his life is Geraldine, an older lady he met through his parents, who used to attend the same church as they did. When her son is too busy, he takes care of her. Even though her mind isn't what it used to be and she confuses things and memory's, she loves 'her Jimmy' and she's one of the best things that happened to Jameson (JJ). I loved how Nicky James 'used' Geraldine to enlighten the story every now and then. She's such a special character - sweet, and in her confused mind, she sometimes says the nicest things - and so true without realizing! Or does she...?) That's why I love Nicky James's books. She is the queen of angst for a reason, but she also knows how to balance the angst with a bit of humor and sweet secondary characters. I also had a lot of love for Amanda, Oakland's (ex)wife, for how she responded when he told her the truth. She was hurt too, and yet she tried to be there for Oakland too, understanding how he was hurt and damaged with the conversion therapy, how he could hardly be held responsible for the mess that was his life.
Maybe this book was even more intense because I listened to it. Nick J. Russo did such a great job with both JJ and Oakland! The tremors in his voice when JJ was at the verge of crying brought tears to my eyes too. When JJ is unreasonably angry with himself, when he drives Oakland away because he is angry with him too, when he's looking for men to physically abuse him just so he could feel the punishment he deserves...It was so, so hard to listen to! I believe with this book, Nicky James and Nick J. Russo are a perfect match.
Some of my friends might remember I haven't been doing audio books for a very long time yet, but it's books like these where the audio adds so many extra layers to the story, that my only regret is that I haven't picked up on audio sooner. I'm not saying that every book will be better when listened to, because I doubt that too, but for some books it's just that perfect extra touch that makes you feel on a deeper level.
Highly recommended!!!
I kindly received a free copy and this is my voluntary, honest review
June 16, 2020
I had to let this sit in my system for a while before diving into a review.
It was truly a disturbing book.
My review... well I can't quite stick to just talking about this book and I am going to get personal so bare that in mind should you wish to continue.
Personal thoughts
Mostly because it is rooted in a real-life problem that is so horrendous and still active in the U.S and I can't quite grasp how it's possible. I don't even want to think about its existence in the vast world.
I went into the deep end researching and looking into the current status of conversion therapy and let's just say that it's not banned under federal law nor is it banned in all 50 states.
Parent's are still doing what was done to these mc's and people are still allowing it.
Even worst these institutions are not blatantly advertising or easy to find. Some are homes, some are hiding under the pretence of being 'christian boarding schools' guided by people who use God as a justification to harm children.
Every-time I think the world can't possible be worse things like this are brought to my attention and it makes me sick. I honestly had a hard time reading this because I remember a friend in my teenage years from a Jewish family that was gay and hid it from his family. And I remember him telling me about another Jewish family, friends with his, who sent their child to such a place and why he couldn't be honest because he didn't want to go to that place. At the time, I didn't really understand, didn't even ask more questions and never thought of this again.
About the book
The Devil Inside is incredibly thought provoking. You get such a clear and dark view of what conversion therapy does through the mc's experience.
After being tossed in that horrid place by their own parents both Oakland and Jameson spiral into dark oblivion.
Oakland married to a woman drowning in drugs, alcohol, self-harm and self-hate. Unable to comprehend how everything horrible that was done to him, to 'fix' him hadn't worked. He not only lost his childhood but he lost the hope of any future he might have had. Now he's but a hollow shell barely able to keep a job down, unable to love his wife as a husband and at the edge of suicide.
For a long time, I stared at the street below, sinking deeper into the alcohol and drug-induced haze cushioning my mind. There was a certain comfort in numbness. Not feeling anything was better than fighting. I was tired of fighting.
Jameson's betrayal is even far reaching. While Oakland doesn't have god to contend to, Jameson is a believer. A man of faith. How could the God he loves, the God he worships allow this 'evil' to persist and how can he be so weak as to allow the 'devil' inside of him. He battles to do the 'right' thing, to be right in the eyes of God and punishes himself violently for his sexuality.
His parents....I can't even speak of them without getting livid.
I’d been told my whole life that God loved all His children. Clearly, I was an exception because no matter how hard I prayed He wouldn’t help me fight this evil. He let me suffer. He left me tainted.
These two are struggling with all the contradictory feelings inside of them. Despite evidence to the contrary. Despite psychologists telling them nothing is wrong with them. Despite secondary character's showing them another way of life. A life of self-acceptance. Despite seeing other's just like them find their way out of the dark hole created by the monsters at the conversion camps. Despite the support. Their struggle to get out, the battle of will is vicious and painful. I really can't express how well Nicky James portrays this. How realistic it felt. How this fiction morphed into a real account for me.
The romance? Well... idk if I'd call it such. Honestly, this is more gay fiction than MM romance.
Is there a love story amidst all the pain? Yes. Jameson and Oakland loved one another as children... and 15 years, 8 months of torture later they're left with the broken pieces of who they once were but the love remained, buried and broken but still there.
There is hope at the end of the tunnel.
“I’m gay.”
“Would the world burn down?”
I looked up at the blue sky, the promise of a beautiful day on the horizon. A gorgeous spring day. An awakening from a long winter slumber. A day that breathed new life into everything it touched.
No apocalypse.
Hard read.
Idk who I would recommend this to.. but there is a hard earned HEA and a promise of a better future.
5 Stars for a thought provoking, well written read.
It was truly a disturbing book.
My review... well I can't quite stick to just talking about this book and I am going to get personal so bare that in mind should you wish to continue.
Personal thoughts
Mostly because it is rooted in a real-life problem that is so horrendous and still active in the U.S and I can't quite grasp how it's possible. I don't even want to think about its existence in the vast world.
I went into the deep end researching and looking into the current status of conversion therapy and let's just say that it's not banned under federal law nor is it banned in all 50 states.
Parent's are still doing what was done to these mc's and people are still allowing it.
Even worst these institutions are not blatantly advertising or easy to find. Some are homes, some are hiding under the pretence of being 'christian boarding schools' guided by people who use God as a justification to harm children.
Every-time I think the world can't possible be worse things like this are brought to my attention and it makes me sick. I honestly had a hard time reading this because I remember a friend in my teenage years from a Jewish family that was gay and hid it from his family. And I remember him telling me about another Jewish family, friends with his, who sent their child to such a place and why he couldn't be honest because he didn't want to go to that place. At the time, I didn't really understand, didn't even ask more questions and never thought of this again.
About the book
The Devil Inside is incredibly thought provoking. You get such a clear and dark view of what conversion therapy does through the mc's experience.
After being tossed in that horrid place by their own parents both Oakland and Jameson spiral into dark oblivion.
Oakland married to a woman drowning in drugs, alcohol, self-harm and self-hate. Unable to comprehend how everything horrible that was done to him, to 'fix' him hadn't worked. He not only lost his childhood but he lost the hope of any future he might have had. Now he's but a hollow shell barely able to keep a job down, unable to love his wife as a husband and at the edge of suicide.
For a long time, I stared at the street below, sinking deeper into the alcohol and drug-induced haze cushioning my mind. There was a certain comfort in numbness. Not feeling anything was better than fighting. I was tired of fighting.
Jameson's betrayal is even far reaching. While Oakland doesn't have god to contend to, Jameson is a believer. A man of faith. How could the God he loves, the God he worships allow this 'evil' to persist and how can he be so weak as to allow the 'devil' inside of him. He battles to do the 'right' thing, to be right in the eyes of God and punishes himself violently for his sexuality.
His parents....I can't even speak of them without getting livid.
I’d been told my whole life that God loved all His children. Clearly, I was an exception because no matter how hard I prayed He wouldn’t help me fight this evil. He let me suffer. He left me tainted.
These two are struggling with all the contradictory feelings inside of them. Despite evidence to the contrary. Despite psychologists telling them nothing is wrong with them. Despite secondary character's showing them another way of life. A life of self-acceptance. Despite seeing other's just like them find their way out of the dark hole created by the monsters at the conversion camps. Despite the support. Their struggle to get out, the battle of will is vicious and painful. I really can't express how well Nicky James portrays this. How realistic it felt. How this fiction morphed into a real account for me.
The romance? Well... idk if I'd call it such. Honestly, this is more gay fiction than MM romance.
Is there a love story amidst all the pain? Yes. Jameson and Oakland loved one another as children... and 15 years, 8 months of torture later they're left with the broken pieces of who they once were but the love remained, buried and broken but still there.
There is hope at the end of the tunnel.
“I’m gay.”
“Would the world burn down?”
I looked up at the blue sky, the promise of a beautiful day on the horizon. A gorgeous spring day. An awakening from a long winter slumber. A day that breathed new life into everything it touched.
No apocalypse.
Hard read.
Idk who I would recommend this to.. but there is a hard earned HEA and a promise of a better future.
5 Stars for a thought provoking, well written read.
October 8, 2020
This is not a romance. It’s a love story. A life story. It’s about two boys who were pure and beautiful and innocent and in love. Until their parents caught them together and sent them to spend 8 months in a conversion camp.
This book starts 15 years later. And our two men are completely broken. Suicidal thoughts. Suicide attempts. Substance abuse. Self mutilation. Internalized homophobia. Violence. This is hard to read. And not just a chapter or two until they find each other again. They find each other and they are toxic together. It’s hard. It’s fucked up. It hurts.
Oakland cut ties with his parents 15 years ago but is married to a woman. Jameson is still very religious and trying to be the perfect son for his horrible parents.
Jameson is struggling the most. But Oakland is too broken himself to help him. It’s a story about their journey into accepting themselves.
“Would the world burn down?”
If he was gay?
The love between them is still there, they never forgot each other. But the true romance part is only in the last 25% of the book or so. There are beautiful secondary characters in this story. Geraldine. Micah. Amanda. Our boys wouldn’t have made it without them. Because just like in reality, love is not enough to save you from your demons.
I have no idea how to rate this. 4.5 stars? 5 stars? But I almost DNF because it was too much. Read at your own risk. This is the opposite of a feel good book. But there is a HEA.
This book starts 15 years later. And our two men are completely broken. Suicidal thoughts. Suicide attempts. Substance abuse. Self mutilation. Internalized homophobia. Violence. This is hard to read. And not just a chapter or two until they find each other again. They find each other and they are toxic together. It’s hard. It’s fucked up. It hurts.
Oakland cut ties with his parents 15 years ago but is married to a woman. Jameson is still very religious and trying to be the perfect son for his horrible parents.
Jameson is struggling the most. But Oakland is too broken himself to help him. It’s a story about their journey into accepting themselves.
“Would the world burn down?”
If he was gay?
The love between them is still there, they never forgot each other. But the true romance part is only in the last 25% of the book or so. There are beautiful secondary characters in this story. Geraldine. Micah. Amanda. Our boys wouldn’t have made it without them. Because just like in reality, love is not enough to save you from your demons.
I have no idea how to rate this. 4.5 stars? 5 stars? But I almost DNF because it was too much. Read at your own risk. This is the opposite of a feel good book. But there is a HEA.
May 3, 2022
Audio 4.5 Stars
Story 3.5 Emotionally Brutal and Exhausting Stars
Story 3.5 Emotionally Brutal and Exhausting Stars
May 29, 2022
It was so brutal, emotional, overwhelming and heartbreaking.
Full of angst, trauma, self-hatred and so much trigger warning situations.
So it was just my cup of tea!
I loved the MCs so much but my heroes were definitely Gerry and Amanda!
Full of angst, trauma, self-hatred and so much trigger warning situations.
So it was just my cup of tea!
I loved the MCs so much but my heroes were definitely Gerry and Amanda!
December 2, 2023
✨4.5 Stars✨
“I’m trying to figure out how to love you without hating myself, so wipe that fucking frown off your face, asshole.”
So, my TBR list is, and excuse my french, intense as fuck. Getting Kindle Unlimited has both been awesome and terrible for my reading habits. Good in that a lot of the books I read I don't have to buy (and thus keeping my wallet from crying), and allowing me to return books that I'm just not that into without breaking a sweat. Bad in that despite all those pros shit like this happens all the time --->>> I'm about to read a completely different book and then I end up seeing a random review of a book and end up binge reading it in one sitting. Also I have a ton of books that I own that I haven't read but hey I'll get around to them eventually ;)
What I'm trying to say in my own long winded way is that I'm supposed to be reading Binding-13 but got super intrigued by Charee ♡'s review (Charee ♡ your review was awesome!) and ended up reading The Devil Inside in one sitting.
Now onwards to the review!
You guys I may not have been planning on reading The Devil Inside but wow am I glad I did! This book was a sucker punch to my emotions and it didn't really let up until 75% or so. What I'm saying is this book was heavy and the HEA was a hard fought journey. Our heroes Oak and JJ are dealing with 15 years of trauma from their horrific experience with a gay conversion camp (it disgusts me that these even exists and shame on both these guys parents). This book was the ultimate hurt/comfort read and both MCs were put through the wringer of suffering.
I’d been told my whole life that God loved all His children.
Clearly, I was an exception because no matter how hard I prayed He wouldn’t help me fight this evil. He let me suffer. He left me tainted.
Oakland and Jameson were two really traumatized individuals who were really struggling with loving and accepting themselves. It hurt to see them go through so much pain (especially my man Jameson) but watching them fight for themselves was so great to watch. This book is angsty as all get out and both MCs have difficult roads ahead of them. But what made it bearable was the love these two men reclaimed between each other.
“Shh. Stop fighting. Just breathe. Just breathe. JJ, I’m here.”
The Devil Inside was one hell of an angsty romance. Both men are really really deep in the closet so to speak and have been repressing their sexuality for many years. It's reuniting after so long that serves as a catalyst for both men to start to examine their lives. Due to this Oak and Jameson have a really hard time letting the other in and at times their relationship was a bit toxic. However, when Oak really decided to be there for Jameson I truly started to root for their HEA.
“And you said. ‘I’ve got you, Oak. You never have to be afraid when I’m with you.’”
“I’m gonna return those words to you now. JJ, when I’m with you, you don’t have to be afraid.”
Jameson especially really goes through it in this book. Not only is he grappling with the effects of the conversion camp but he greatly ties his sexuality to his religion. While this book was about both Oak and Jameson it really felt like Jameson's journey held the spotlight. I know I say this all the time but Jameson needed a hug like yesterday.
“Would the world burn down?” Wasn’t it already? “I … I’m gay.”
Another aspect that I sincerely loved about The Devil Inside were the secondary characters (Amanda, both therapists, Micah, Gerry, and Amanda). They were amazing and really encompassed the idea that family doesn't always have to be the one you were born into. Gerry was perfect and the love she had for 'Jimmy' was amazing and it brought a tear to my eye.
The key to happiness is learning to accept and love yourself. Only then will you truly be at peace. You’re a good boy, Jimmy.”
I also want to give mad props to Nicky James and the way she handled Amanda! It was really nice that she allowed Amanda to be supportive to Oakland and having her bring positivity to the situation instead of negativity was wonderful. Ms. James could've easily written Amanda to be bitter and jealous but instead she let her be kind and compassionate.
“Don’t you disappear from my life, Oakland Corbitt.” I chuckled, but it was heavy and sad. “I won’t.” “Promise me.” “I promise.” I lifted her head and kissed her. It was soft and simple. It was goodbye.
The only reason I didn't give this one a full 5 stars is because I didn't feel Oakland and Jameson's connection as childhood best friends. That's not to say I didn't love their romance because I did! But they were billed as childhood besties/HS lovers and I just felt that connection lacking. I think this was a case where a few well placed flashbacks of their younger selves would have actually been very beneficial. Also like I said this book was angsty as all get out and I would have liked to have had a few more lighthearted moments towards the end of the book.
The Devil Inside took me on an intense ride and while it was a hard one to read at times the HEA was more than worth it. If you're in the mood for a more angsty read that see the MCs really struggling for their happy ending then check this one out!
So what if we were fifteen years behind. We would make up for lost time. We would grow together. We would fight together. We would still take on the world together.
“I’m trying to figure out how to love you without hating myself, so wipe that fucking frown off your face, asshole.”
So, my TBR list is, and excuse my french, intense as fuck. Getting Kindle Unlimited has both been awesome and terrible for my reading habits. Good in that a lot of the books I read I don't have to buy (and thus keeping my wallet from crying), and allowing me to return books that I'm just not that into without breaking a sweat. Bad in that despite all those pros shit like this happens all the time --->>> I'm about to read a completely different book and then I end up seeing a random review of a book and end up binge reading it in one sitting. Also I have a ton of books that I own that I haven't read but hey I'll get around to them eventually ;)
What I'm trying to say in my own long winded way is that I'm supposed to be reading Binding-13 but got super intrigued by Charee ♡'s review (Charee ♡ your review was awesome!) and ended up reading The Devil Inside in one sitting.
Now onwards to the review!
You guys I may not have been planning on reading The Devil Inside but wow am I glad I did! This book was a sucker punch to my emotions and it didn't really let up until 75% or so. What I'm saying is this book was heavy and the HEA was a hard fought journey. Our heroes Oak and JJ are dealing with 15 years of trauma from their horrific experience with a gay conversion camp (it disgusts me that these even exists and shame on both these guys parents). This book was the ultimate hurt/comfort read and both MCs were put through the wringer of suffering.
I’d been told my whole life that God loved all His children.
Clearly, I was an exception because no matter how hard I prayed He wouldn’t help me fight this evil. He let me suffer. He left me tainted.
Oakland and Jameson were two really traumatized individuals who were really struggling with loving and accepting themselves. It hurt to see them go through so much pain (especially my man Jameson) but watching them fight for themselves was so great to watch. This book is angsty as all get out and both MCs have difficult roads ahead of them. But what made it bearable was the love these two men reclaimed between each other.
“Shh. Stop fighting. Just breathe. Just breathe. JJ, I’m here.”
The Devil Inside was one hell of an angsty romance. Both men are really really deep in the closet so to speak and have been repressing their sexuality for many years. It's reuniting after so long that serves as a catalyst for both men to start to examine their lives. Due to this Oak and Jameson have a really hard time letting the other in and at times their relationship was a bit toxic. However, when Oak really decided to be there for Jameson I truly started to root for their HEA.
“And you said. ‘I’ve got you, Oak. You never have to be afraid when I’m with you.’”
“I’m gonna return those words to you now. JJ, when I’m with you, you don’t have to be afraid.”
Jameson especially really goes through it in this book. Not only is he grappling with the effects of the conversion camp but he greatly ties his sexuality to his religion. While this book was about both Oak and Jameson it really felt like Jameson's journey held the spotlight. I know I say this all the time but Jameson needed a hug like yesterday.
“Would the world burn down?” Wasn’t it already? “I … I’m gay.”
Another aspect that I sincerely loved about The Devil Inside were the secondary characters (Amanda, both therapists, Micah, Gerry, and Amanda). They were amazing and really encompassed the idea that family doesn't always have to be the one you were born into. Gerry was perfect and the love she had for 'Jimmy' was amazing and it brought a tear to my eye.
The key to happiness is learning to accept and love yourself. Only then will you truly be at peace. You’re a good boy, Jimmy.”
I also want to give mad props to Nicky James and the way she handled Amanda! It was really nice that she allowed Amanda to be supportive to Oakland and having her bring positivity to the situation instead of negativity was wonderful. Ms. James could've easily written Amanda to be bitter and jealous but instead she let her be kind and compassionate.
“Don’t you disappear from my life, Oakland Corbitt.” I chuckled, but it was heavy and sad. “I won’t.” “Promise me.” “I promise.” I lifted her head and kissed her. It was soft and simple. It was goodbye.
The only reason I didn't give this one a full 5 stars is because I didn't feel Oakland and Jameson's connection as childhood best friends. That's not to say I didn't love their romance because I did! But they were billed as childhood besties/HS lovers and I just felt that connection lacking. I think this was a case where a few well placed flashbacks of their younger selves would have actually been very beneficial. Also like I said this book was angsty as all get out and I would have liked to have had a few more lighthearted moments towards the end of the book.
The Devil Inside took me on an intense ride and while it was a hard one to read at times the HEA was more than worth it. If you're in the mood for a more angsty read that see the MCs really struggling for their happy ending then check this one out!
So what if we were fifteen years behind. We would make up for lost time. We would grow together. We would fight together. We would still take on the world together.
June 10, 2020
6 stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I'm overwhelmed ...
This book is heartbreakingly beautiful; it broke my heart and it made me feel so much rage and pain....
It's not an easy story: Jameson and Oakland are lost souls. They struggle every day just to survive; they are at the lowest point of their life when they meet again after 15 years, after what their "parents" did to them ( i'm not gonna talk about them because just thinking about them make me want to punch something).
They should be toxic for each other but their connection is so powerful that finding each other is precisely the spring that triggers the change.
I'm not gonna cuddle you by telling after that they happily live togethers: they had to fight harder then ever to fix what had been broken, to understand that what they was taught was wrong, to let go all the bad in their life ( the addictions, the self-arm, the suicidal thoughts, the hatred ).
JJ & Oak' story made me cry because i just can't understand why something so pure like love can be seen as a sin ??!
The Devil Inside is a #MustRead not just because it's an amazing story, but also because it teach you something, if you're willing to listen:
Love is just Love, and it's more powerful than Hate.
I'm overwhelmed ...
This book is heartbreakingly beautiful; it broke my heart and it made me feel so much rage and pain....
It's not an easy story: Jameson and Oakland are lost souls. They struggle every day just to survive; they are at the lowest point of their life when they meet again after 15 years, after what their "parents" did to them ( i'm not gonna talk about them because just thinking about them make me want to punch something).
They should be toxic for each other but their connection is so powerful that finding each other is precisely the spring that triggers the change.
I'm not gonna cuddle you by telling after that they happily live togethers: they had to fight harder then ever to fix what had been broken, to understand that what they was taught was wrong, to let go all the bad in their life ( the addictions, the self-arm, the suicidal thoughts, the hatred ).
JJ & Oak' story made me cry because i just can't understand why something so pure like love can be seen as a sin ??!
The Devil Inside is a #MustRead not just because it's an amazing story, but also because it teach you something, if you're willing to listen:
Love is just Love, and it's more powerful than Hate.
May 22, 2020
Wow what an amazing book! I will be the first to admit I went into this book a little afraid of how much it would make me feel and worried it would be too much to handle. Read and heed the trigger warnings, they are real. That being said, the way this book was written and the way the story evolved far surpassed my expectations and I am so glad I took the plunge! This is a love story at it’s core, even during the darkest periods, the deep abiding love that was buried within them is what helps them get through each day and what ultimately helps them make it through the fog and the haze and come out ok on the other side!
From the very first page I was sucked into the pain and hurt and anguish that griped both Oakland and Jameson’s lives. They were both so broken, both so damaged and both so far from being happy. Was it hard to read sometimes, yes, but that is because right from the start I connected with them both and felt for them both, hurt for them both and wished so much they would both find happiness. This is because Nicky James is an expert storyteller. She immerses you into the characters and you never want to let go. She did not make this an easy journey for them. They had to fight for it, they struggled mightily along the way, they stumbled and fell, but it was all so realistic and all so well written. She did not magically heal them after one therapy session, they didn’t talk it out and were immediately able to move forward--they had to work hard, rely on others, build new foundations of trust, love and acceptance, all on their way to finding peace and happiness. They both had different demons to slay, all of them stemming from the same terrible experience when they were 17. Oakland had to battle with depression and addiction and a struggling marriage. Jameson had to battle with self-harm and self-loathing, parents with unyielding beliefs and struggling with his faith in God. These were not easy demons to work through by any means. But watching them work through them, watching them work to heal, watching them take 2 steps forward and one step back and watching them eventually find their sense of peace, acceptance and happiness was just exceptional!
One of the things that really stood out for me was the marvelous cast of side characters that supported Oak and JJ along the way! Gerry was probably one of the most fun and fiercest little old ladies I have come across in a long time. Her love and acceptance of “Jimmy” melted my heart every time. Micah and Wally were virtual strangers that became so much more, I loved them instantly and cannot wait to read more about them hopefully one day. Amanda blew me away, her love and support of Oakland was a joy to read. These people stood by Oak and JJ every step of the way.
I loved every bit of their journey from the most challenging times to their happily ever after. I was riveted every step of the way and so completely emotionally satisfied at the end…it is a journey definitely worth taking!
From the very first page I was sucked into the pain and hurt and anguish that griped both Oakland and Jameson’s lives. They were both so broken, both so damaged and both so far from being happy. Was it hard to read sometimes, yes, but that is because right from the start I connected with them both and felt for them both, hurt for them both and wished so much they would both find happiness. This is because Nicky James is an expert storyteller. She immerses you into the characters and you never want to let go. She did not make this an easy journey for them. They had to fight for it, they struggled mightily along the way, they stumbled and fell, but it was all so realistic and all so well written. She did not magically heal them after one therapy session, they didn’t talk it out and were immediately able to move forward--they had to work hard, rely on others, build new foundations of trust, love and acceptance, all on their way to finding peace and happiness. They both had different demons to slay, all of them stemming from the same terrible experience when they were 17. Oakland had to battle with depression and addiction and a struggling marriage. Jameson had to battle with self-harm and self-loathing, parents with unyielding beliefs and struggling with his faith in God. These were not easy demons to work through by any means. But watching them work through them, watching them work to heal, watching them take 2 steps forward and one step back and watching them eventually find their sense of peace, acceptance and happiness was just exceptional!
One of the things that really stood out for me was the marvelous cast of side characters that supported Oak and JJ along the way! Gerry was probably one of the most fun and fiercest little old ladies I have come across in a long time. Her love and acceptance of “Jimmy” melted my heart every time. Micah and Wally were virtual strangers that became so much more, I loved them instantly and cannot wait to read more about them hopefully one day. Amanda blew me away, her love and support of Oakland was a joy to read. These people stood by Oak and JJ every step of the way.
I loved every bit of their journey from the most challenging times to their happily ever after. I was riveted every step of the way and so completely emotionally satisfied at the end…it is a journey definitely worth taking!
December 28, 2022
This is not a romance but it is a love story. This is incredibly rough. Please check the trigger warnings for this book as there are many. If conversion therapy and the repercussions of that torture is upsetting than be wary. However, there so much redemption in this story.
Oakland and Jameson discovered their sexuality and fell in love as teens. Unfortunately, their reprehensible parents didn’t see their love as natural. Both sent their boys to be abused in conversion therapy in order to be “fixed.” However that only served to destroy two amazing, loving and hopeful young people.
Fast forward 15 years and the men are unknowingly reunited at group therapy. They are forced to face who they truly are whether they wanted to or not. We learn what the past years have been like for them and it hurts. It is relentless and ugly. They are shells of their former selves. I ached on a visceral level. To say they have a hard fought and won HEA is the understatement of the year!! The journey is worth the ending with this one.
Nick Russo does an absolutely phenomenal job with the narration!
Oakland and Jameson discovered their sexuality and fell in love as teens. Unfortunately, their reprehensible parents didn’t see their love as natural. Both sent their boys to be abused in conversion therapy in order to be “fixed.” However that only served to destroy two amazing, loving and hopeful young people.
Fast forward 15 years and the men are unknowingly reunited at group therapy. They are forced to face who they truly are whether they wanted to or not. We learn what the past years have been like for them and it hurts. It is relentless and ugly. They are shells of their former selves. I ached on a visceral level. To say they have a hard fought and won HEA is the understatement of the year!! The journey is worth the ending with this one.
Nick Russo does an absolutely phenomenal job with the narration!
Read
September 7, 2021ps. amanda deserves better
June 17, 2020
A Joyfully Jay review.
4 stars
Nicky James is known for angsty books and The Devil Inside starts right off with Jameson and Oakland in present day. They both went through “conversion therapy” and their lives have never and will never be the same. They were both changed forever after being sent away and we get caught up quickly on where they are in life. They are both filled with self-hatred and loathe everything about themselves. They struggle at work and punish themselves for their impulses. James does a good job here of showing how deeply the men truly despise themselves and the toll those eight months had on them.
The book remains solidly in the present day. We are not shown anything that happened while they were in conversion therapy, nor are we shown any scenes of their earlier friendship and first love. When they meet again, it is a constant struggle for Jameson and Oakland to fight their natural impulses to want to be together. Jameson has his faith and his religious parents and Oakland has a wife, and the struggle they have is real. And the book is about that struggle.
Read Michelle's review in its entirety here.
4 stars
Nicky James is known for angsty books and The Devil Inside starts right off with Jameson and Oakland in present day. They both went through “conversion therapy” and their lives have never and will never be the same. They were both changed forever after being sent away and we get caught up quickly on where they are in life. They are both filled with self-hatred and loathe everything about themselves. They struggle at work and punish themselves for their impulses. James does a good job here of showing how deeply the men truly despise themselves and the toll those eight months had on them.
The book remains solidly in the present day. We are not shown anything that happened while they were in conversion therapy, nor are we shown any scenes of their earlier friendship and first love. When they meet again, it is a constant struggle for Jameson and Oakland to fight their natural impulses to want to be together. Jameson has his faith and his religious parents and Oakland has a wife, and the struggle they have is real. And the book is about that struggle.
Read Michelle's review in its entirety here.
October 21, 2021
Update: 21 October 2021
Downgrading my review for this since its been 2 months but all I remember about it is the sex work shaming part.
Original review: 28 August 2021
I enjoyed this story a lot, but what brought down the rating for me was the negative way the author had characters react to the sex worker who showed up in a scene in the book. The MC who brought her into his home ended up dumping the couch she left on and his bed sheets after she tried sleeping in his bed. Then a old woman character who only saw her from a distance, and didn’t even know she was a sex worker, started calling her a slut, whore and bimbo. Obviously it can be argued that the old woman was unaware of her job so she was just being derogatory towards the woman for no reason, but the author who wrote these words knew what job her character had and having another character say those words about the sex worker, which came across as really out of character for the old woman, just seemed to me like the author has negative and outdated views on sex workers.
If it wasn’t for this I would’ve given the book 4 stars but those moments just annoyed me too much.
Downgrading my review for this since its been 2 months but all I remember about it is the sex work shaming part.
Original review: 28 August 2021
I enjoyed this story a lot, but what brought down the rating for me was the negative way the author had characters react to the sex worker who showed up in a scene in the book. The MC who brought her into his home ended up dumping the couch she left on and his bed sheets after she tried sleeping in his bed. Then a old woman character who only saw her from a distance, and didn’t even know she was a sex worker, started calling her a slut, whore and bimbo. Obviously it can be argued that the old woman was unaware of her job so she was just being derogatory towards the woman for no reason, but the author who wrote these words knew what job her character had and having another character say those words about the sex worker, which came across as really out of character for the old woman, just seemed to me like the author has negative and outdated views on sex workers.
If it wasn’t for this I would’ve given the book 4 stars but those moments just annoyed me too much.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 7, 2021
I expected a little crying but the issues they faced didn't seem sad at all. They were just difficulties and seeing them get through them was beautiful.
June 15, 2020
Lots to like about this book. I won't lie, it's unrelentingly depressing and raw for a lot of the story. There is romance but there is
a lot
of emotion and pain to endure to get there.
Audio and visual review at-
Audio and visual review at-
May 27, 2020
This is not an easy read. This is more of a Grimm's fairytale than a Hans Christian Andersen one however it is also a phenomenal story that will have you on the edge of your seat, wanting to help these characters in whatever way you can but understanding that all you *can* do is continue to turn the pages. You will be rewarded, you can trust me (and Nicky) on this.
Oakland and Jameson are two wholly broken men, shattered at the very core of their being by an event that occurred in their teens and their subsequent incarceration at a gay conversion therapy hospital. Both are living their lives in an horrific holding pattern, merely existing. A chance encounter at a group therapy session brings the two men back together, and subsequently back to life, eventually.
This book is going to knock your socks off but heed the warnings the author provides before you start this book because this story is hard hitting, and there are some big , BIG triggers regarding violence, alcohol and substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal ideations, internalised homophobia, and harsh homophobic language. This is not a fluffy book in any way, shape or form. It will challenge you, it will question your thought processes and it'll leave you wondering about what will happen next for these two incredible characters.
And if you can get past all this, you're in for one hell of a brilliant ride. 5 stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Oakland and Jameson are two wholly broken men, shattered at the very core of their being by an event that occurred in their teens and their subsequent incarceration at a gay conversion therapy hospital. Both are living their lives in an horrific holding pattern, merely existing. A chance encounter at a group therapy session brings the two men back together, and subsequently back to life, eventually.
This book is going to knock your socks off but heed the warnings the author provides before you start this book because this story is hard hitting, and there are some big , BIG triggers regarding violence, alcohol and substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal ideations, internalised homophobia, and harsh homophobic language. This is not a fluffy book in any way, shape or form. It will challenge you, it will question your thought processes and it'll leave you wondering about what will happen next for these two incredible characters.
And if you can get past all this, you're in for one hell of a brilliant ride. 5 stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 21, 2020
The Devil Inside. My first reaction is yet, another Nicky James Masterpiece!!!! So freaking awesome, so freaking powerful. This author has such a unique style of writing that while I am totally hooked on each word she writes I feel like she have given me some serious insight, understanding,compassion. Damn I cant quite get the words together for how brilliant this story is. The story shows just how real the struggle is after being scarred, scared, abused both mentally and physically by conversion therapy. Absolutely loved Oak & JJ. There were tears shed for these two. What a journey!! Geraldine is my new hero. A huge congrats to this author on a absolute stellar and powerful story. Very highly recommended.
July 28, 2020
My heart clenched almost throughout all the book but it was really worth it. It is so sad people are forced to go through conversion therapy 🤧🤧🤧😭😭😭
June 29, 2022
Audio 5 stars
Book 3 stars
i hate that conversion therapy is still a thing, its insane what people will do to one another in the name of religion or bigotry. makes me so sad for those it effects and reading this story with Jameson and Oakland and how they were still reeling from the effects 15 years later is eye opening.
I think that this story was well written like all of the Nicky James books you get massive amounts of angst and characters whose struggles and emotions are written in a way that they feel like your own. Unfortunately, I just couldn't feel that romantic connection with Jameson and Oakland... I think that they really needed to focus on themselves first and then start something rather than get together while also try to figure themselves out. I think that having more flash backs to their childhood, rather than being told about it would possibly help...? i think its more of a me thing rather than the book.
But i loved that Oaklands ex-wife was so supportive rather than vindictive like some books try to do to add drama. Also Gerry really story the show!
Nicky James will still be a go to when i am in a really angsty mood and i know her writing will tear me up inside and then tape me back together slowly with scotch tape haha.
Book 3 stars
i hate that conversion therapy is still a thing, its insane what people will do to one another in the name of religion or bigotry. makes me so sad for those it effects and reading this story with Jameson and Oakland and how they were still reeling from the effects 15 years later is eye opening.
I think that this story was well written like all of the Nicky James books you get massive amounts of angst and characters whose struggles and emotions are written in a way that they feel like your own. Unfortunately, I just couldn't feel that romantic connection with Jameson and Oakland... I think that they really needed to focus on themselves first and then start something rather than get together while also try to figure themselves out. I think that having more flash backs to their childhood, rather than being told about it would possibly help...? i think its more of a me thing rather than the book.
But i loved that Oaklands ex-wife was so supportive rather than vindictive like some books try to do to add drama. Also Gerry really story the show!
Nicky James will still be a go to when i am in a really angsty mood and i know her writing will tear me up inside and then tape me back together slowly with scotch tape haha.
October 13, 2024
This was a tough one to get through. There was so many things that Jameson and Oakland went through. Their parents were awful and the I can't even begin to imagine the damage done.
These two had a lot to fight through to get to where they were. I'm so glad that Oakland's wife, Amanda, was understanding. He really needed her in his corner.
I'm glad that Jameson had Micah and Geraldine. I'm not sure he would've survived without them.
These two had a lot to fight through to get to where they were. I'm so glad that Oakland's wife, Amanda, was understanding. He really needed her in his corner.
I'm glad that Jameson had Micah and Geraldine. I'm not sure he would've survived without them.
June 8, 2020
Wow, this was another winner for me from Nicky James! She is on a roll and pumping out great story after great story. This one is the story of two guys who were best friends, turned lovers when they discovered each other as teenagers. When they were caught, their parents sent them both to conversion “therapy” to cure them of their sinful ways. Oakland walked away from his parents; Jameson did not.
Fast forward about 15 years or so, and Oakland is coming to grips that he was not, in fact, cured. It is getting harder and harder to purge the thoughts, harder and harder to deal with his body not working correctly with his wife, and realizing the pills and alcohol are not as effective at numbing it all. He decides to face the music and agrees to attend group therapy.
Jameson is a little worse off than Oakland in that he is fighting his religious beliefs and thinks he is being punished by God for still having the urges. When those urges are too much to bear, he looks for anonymous hookups, the rougher, the better. He wants it to hurt as self punishment, and though the urge is satisfied, the guilt and shame immediately surface. He deals with that by cutting. He keeps up the façade with his parents, going to church and family dinners, talking about girlfriends that don’t exist. As he and Oak take steps towards healing, they must overcome a lot of negative feelings. Jameson cares for and is attracted to Oak, but he hates himself for feeling that way.
Jameson and Oakland are reunited when they both attend the same group therapy. It doesn’t go very well. The attraction is still there, but they are both extremely screwed up. Oak wants to help Jameson, but he has big problems of his own he is dealing with and realizes quickly that until some of those issues are dealt with, they are basically toxic together. At least too much so to be each other’s rock. Thankfully, Oak has a friend in his wife/ex-wife, and Jameson has an old lady friend who really cares and makes a difference in his life.
This is an extremely heartbreaking story. It really shows the aftermath of conversion camps and how badly this practice can harm kids all the way through their adult lives. It hints at the horrendous methods used to try and fix the kids, but it spares you from the actual details. Suffice to say, you get the picture with how these guys think and are dealing with things. My heart broke for them, and I cheered them on to break free and find peace with themselves. Gerry was a spitfire and it was truly her love and acceptance that saved Jameson. I would have liked to have seen the confrontation with Jameson’s parents play out a bit more than it did, but it was probably for the best that it didn’t.
I love stories that draw me in and keep me turning pages through the night and this one fit that bill. Highly recommend.
Review written for Love Bytes Reviews.
May 23, 2020
Never thought this book would be this painful. I wanted to cry, to smash my room, to hit someone, to scream. And what did I do? Just read and pray for HEA and for those two to be happy.
I thought this book will be about two men falling in love while neither one of them are gay. Instead I got to see them crash and burn. Two broken soul, one love story.
This book was just as beautiful and painful as the other ones by Nicky. I fell in love with the story and loved reading Oak and JJ 's relationsip. The addictions both had, and the way they tried to find the light and accept themself and their feelings. It was beautifully written. How can something be this painful and beautiful at the same time?
And the side characters were amazing too. I loved Micah and Wally and Gerry too. They brought the sunshine to this story.
JJ's POV was hardest and he suffered more, and I hurt for him and Oak too. Oakland's life was a bit lighter but the same dark as JJ's. Those things they went through in their teenage life was horrible. And I still want to scream and hit someone if I think about that story.
Nicky James did it again and created two broken souls with an amazing and beautiful love story. Loved this book so much♥
And I can't wait to read about how Micah and Wally's firt met.
I thought this book will be about two men falling in love while neither one of them are gay. Instead I got to see them crash and burn. Two broken soul, one love story.
This book was just as beautiful and painful as the other ones by Nicky. I fell in love with the story and loved reading Oak and JJ 's relationsip. The addictions both had, and the way they tried to find the light and accept themself and their feelings. It was beautifully written. How can something be this painful and beautiful at the same time?
And the side characters were amazing too. I loved Micah and Wally and Gerry too. They brought the sunshine to this story.
JJ's POV was hardest and he suffered more, and I hurt for him and Oak too. Oakland's life was a bit lighter but the same dark as JJ's. Those things they went through in their teenage life was horrible. And I still want to scream and hit someone if I think about that story.
Nicky James did it again and created two broken souls with an amazing and beautiful love story. Loved this book so much♥
And I can't wait to read about how Micah and Wally's firt met.
May 22, 2020
Please be sure to heed the trigger warnings for this book. They are real, and they are not sugar-coated. Alcohol and drug abuse, self-harm, suicidal ideation, homophobia - internalized, externalized, and institutionalized...one character has a crisis of faith..I may have missed something but that's the gist of it.
The Devil Within touched me deeply. At its heart, it's a second-chance romance but there's very little that's romantic in this story of two men who each lived through a hell that no one should ever have to endure, changing their lives forever. Not only did they live, they scratched and clawed their way to a new life.
Few writers deal with mental health issues the way that Nicky James does, with the level of detail, the realism (at least in my limited experience with the system from being married to a bipolar paranoid dissociative man.) Her compassion for those who struggle shines through, and it keeps the story from veering off into the darkness.
For all the violence and horrors this book portrays, there's also tenderness, humor, and hope, keeping it from being unbearably sad. It's not an easy story to read, but it's imminently worth it.
These characters and this story will stay with me for a long while.
The Devil Within touched me deeply. At its heart, it's a second-chance romance but there's very little that's romantic in this story of two men who each lived through a hell that no one should ever have to endure, changing their lives forever. Not only did they live, they scratched and clawed their way to a new life.
Few writers deal with mental health issues the way that Nicky James does, with the level of detail, the realism (at least in my limited experience with the system from being married to a bipolar paranoid dissociative man.) Her compassion for those who struggle shines through, and it keeps the story from veering off into the darkness.
For all the violence and horrors this book portrays, there's also tenderness, humor, and hope, keeping it from being unbearably sad. It's not an easy story to read, but it's imminently worth it.
These characters and this story will stay with me for a long while.
October 30, 2020
Short version:
This is a beautiful and heartwrenching story. I loved it so much. Only thing that would have made it better is if I didn't have to get interrupted while reading it.
Kills me anytime I think about those horrible conversions...
Long version to come.
This is a beautiful and heartwrenching story. I loved it so much. Only thing that would have made it better is if I didn't have to get interrupted while reading it.
Kills me anytime I think about those horrible conversions...
Long version to come.
March 11, 2023
One of those books where genuine mental anguish is portrayed so authentically that it's impossible to believe the MCs can be healed. The romance (though that's far too upbeat a word for the desolate coming-together of these two damaged souls) is necessarily sidelined to the difficult & partial story of the MCs' recovery.
I should add that this is well-written, the agonies the MCs go through are convincing, but look elsewhere for light and fluffy.
I should add that this is well-written, the agonies the MCs go through are convincing, but look elsewhere for light and fluffy.
May 5, 2022
Audiobook Review
Fred and Ginger. Fred and Wilma. Nick and Nicky – perfect, entertaining couples. Once again, this duo hits it out of the park with Nicky James’ powerful, ultra-angsty novel, The Devil Inside. This can be a tough book to read/listen to but it’s so worth riding the emotional roller coaster for the eventual happy ending.
This is the ultimate hurt/comfort book, or maybe it’s more accurate to say it’s a hurt/hurt book. Two men are so badly damaged by their pasts, it’s unclear whether they can help each other heal or if their own burdens will pull the other under. This is a story about the devastating after affects of conversion therapy on two seventeen year old boys, best friends who were caught fooling around and sent away for eight months. It thoroughly ruined the lives of Oakland and Jameson, now thirty-two, leaving them psychologically scarred in dark, dark places, drowning in self-hatred, substance abuse, and dysfunction. The long-term harm that is explored by Ms. James is infuriating and heartbreaking. None of the horrific torture is on page, thank goodness, but the current day ramifications in the narrative are real, raw, and gritty. Gut-wrenching. Beyond sad.
Oakland is married to a woman but can’t get aroused and it torments him. He wants so badly to be “normal”, to have sexual urges for his wife – to feel anything – and be the husband he should be. He’s severely depressed, struggles with employment, and is addicted to pills and alcohol. He doesn’t know who he is anymore – he’s dead inside. Therapy is uncovering his repressed past and it manifests in guilt, shame, and nightmares. The drugs and whiskey bring the relief of oblivion.
“This thing living inside me, the insidious beast who’d moved into the spot once occupied by my soul was poisoning me. Killing me. It was a presence I worked hard to ignore but one that lurked in the shadows, calling to me night and day, begging to be noticed.”
While Oakland is haunted by the beast, Jameson feels controlled by an evil presence – the devil inside. He’s filled with rage, suicidal thoughts, and the impulse to self-harm. He goes through life playing a part, never allowing anyone to see his true self. The boys were brainwashed to believe they were plagued with a sickness, a taint that could be cured by conditioning them to relate pleasure with punishment. No one is born gay, they were told. It was literally beaten into them that same-sex attraction is sinful and unnatural. Now, they both live in denial while attempting to fight off the “sickness” from returning.
Not having seen each other in fifteen years, they’re shocked when they meet by chance. While outwardly they recognize each other, inside they no longer have the easy going, worry-free personalities of their boyhood. Both men need to come to terms with their sexual orientation before they can move on in life and begin to consider if a relationship is possible.
“We weren’t a good match to get out of this together. We were both too damaged, too broken to rely on one another for help, yet, he was my only companion in the dark. I wouldn’t leave him behind.”
This isn’t a typical romance because there’s nothing romantic about the theme. Despite the darkness, though, it’s a wonderful story of enduring love and the fight for authenticity. As readers of LGBTQIA+ fiction, presumably we are either queer or allies, and as such, this is a very important topic. I’m grateful that Ms. James has brought more attention to conversion therapy in a way that doesn’t sacrifice a creative, interesting story. It’s clear she has done her research, as she does with all her books relating to mental illness and psychological trauma.
The side characters are well-conceived. I was particularly pleased with Oakland's wife, Amanda, who could have easily been written as a stereotypical woman scorned. Instead, this strong woman faces her husband's confessions with courage and kindness. Jameson is supported by an elderly woman and her gay, married son who demonstrate that self-acceptance can lead to a happy, fulfilling life.
There’s not a lot I can say about Nick J. Russo that I haven't covered before, as he’s one of Ms. James’ go-to voice narrators whom I’ve reviewed numerous times. This pair entertains with a combination of fantastic storytelling and superb voice acting. Mr. Russo's main character voices are well-differentiated, making the story easy to follow. He has a boatload of emotional material to portray and he does so authentically, staying true to character. Oakland and Jameson's lives are dumpster fires and he conveys that thoroughly. He brings their distress to life.
Whether you consume The Devil Inside in book or audio form, expect a riveting story. This is once again a fantastic Nicky James book.
*******
If you’re interested in learning more about the abhorrent practice of conversion therapy, Wikipedia provides a good overview of the history, practices, and laws. While many countries outright ban conversion therapy (including, just recently, Canada), this abuse is still legal in thirty of the United States.
ARC kindly provided to Love Bytes Reviews in exchange for an honest review.
Fred and Ginger. Fred and Wilma. Nick and Nicky – perfect, entertaining couples. Once again, this duo hits it out of the park with Nicky James’ powerful, ultra-angsty novel, The Devil Inside. This can be a tough book to read/listen to but it’s so worth riding the emotional roller coaster for the eventual happy ending.
This is the ultimate hurt/comfort book, or maybe it’s more accurate to say it’s a hurt/hurt book. Two men are so badly damaged by their pasts, it’s unclear whether they can help each other heal or if their own burdens will pull the other under. This is a story about the devastating after affects of conversion therapy on two seventeen year old boys, best friends who were caught fooling around and sent away for eight months. It thoroughly ruined the lives of Oakland and Jameson, now thirty-two, leaving them psychologically scarred in dark, dark places, drowning in self-hatred, substance abuse, and dysfunction. The long-term harm that is explored by Ms. James is infuriating and heartbreaking. None of the horrific torture is on page, thank goodness, but the current day ramifications in the narrative are real, raw, and gritty. Gut-wrenching. Beyond sad.
Oakland is married to a woman but can’t get aroused and it torments him. He wants so badly to be “normal”, to have sexual urges for his wife – to feel anything – and be the husband he should be. He’s severely depressed, struggles with employment, and is addicted to pills and alcohol. He doesn’t know who he is anymore – he’s dead inside. Therapy is uncovering his repressed past and it manifests in guilt, shame, and nightmares. The drugs and whiskey bring the relief of oblivion.
“This thing living inside me, the insidious beast who’d moved into the spot once occupied by my soul was poisoning me. Killing me. It was a presence I worked hard to ignore but one that lurked in the shadows, calling to me night and day, begging to be noticed.”
While Oakland is haunted by the beast, Jameson feels controlled by an evil presence – the devil inside. He’s filled with rage, suicidal thoughts, and the impulse to self-harm. He goes through life playing a part, never allowing anyone to see his true self. The boys were brainwashed to believe they were plagued with a sickness, a taint that could be cured by conditioning them to relate pleasure with punishment. No one is born gay, they were told. It was literally beaten into them that same-sex attraction is sinful and unnatural. Now, they both live in denial while attempting to fight off the “sickness” from returning.
Not having seen each other in fifteen years, they’re shocked when they meet by chance. While outwardly they recognize each other, inside they no longer have the easy going, worry-free personalities of their boyhood. Both men need to come to terms with their sexual orientation before they can move on in life and begin to consider if a relationship is possible.
“We weren’t a good match to get out of this together. We were both too damaged, too broken to rely on one another for help, yet, he was my only companion in the dark. I wouldn’t leave him behind.”
This isn’t a typical romance because there’s nothing romantic about the theme. Despite the darkness, though, it’s a wonderful story of enduring love and the fight for authenticity. As readers of LGBTQIA+ fiction, presumably we are either queer or allies, and as such, this is a very important topic. I’m grateful that Ms. James has brought more attention to conversion therapy in a way that doesn’t sacrifice a creative, interesting story. It’s clear she has done her research, as she does with all her books relating to mental illness and psychological trauma.
The side characters are well-conceived. I was particularly pleased with Oakland's wife, Amanda, who could have easily been written as a stereotypical woman scorned. Instead, this strong woman faces her husband's confessions with courage and kindness. Jameson is supported by an elderly woman and her gay, married son who demonstrate that self-acceptance can lead to a happy, fulfilling life.
There’s not a lot I can say about Nick J. Russo that I haven't covered before, as he’s one of Ms. James’ go-to voice narrators whom I’ve reviewed numerous times. This pair entertains with a combination of fantastic storytelling and superb voice acting. Mr. Russo's main character voices are well-differentiated, making the story easy to follow. He has a boatload of emotional material to portray and he does so authentically, staying true to character. Oakland and Jameson's lives are dumpster fires and he conveys that thoroughly. He brings their distress to life.
Whether you consume The Devil Inside in book or audio form, expect a riveting story. This is once again a fantastic Nicky James book.
*******
If you’re interested in learning more about the abhorrent practice of conversion therapy, Wikipedia provides a good overview of the history, practices, and laws. While many countries outright ban conversion therapy (including, just recently, Canada), this abuse is still legal in thirty of the United States.
ARC kindly provided to Love Bytes Reviews in exchange for an honest review.
October 27, 2021
“Maybe you’re lost right now, maybe you feel alone and abandoned by your God, but I think you feel this connection between us too. It’s too powerful to ignore. Maybe you don’t feel that presence around you right now because God knows you’re finally going to be okay, and He can step back and not hover so close. You’ve taken the right steps, and you’re in the path to healing. As long as you keep going, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you.”
My second read from this author, I tried to adjust my expectations to not go so high, since this book promises a lot of what I usually seek. The Devil Inside is focused on Oakland and Jameson, two men whose mental health is shit due to deep internalized homophobia, after they were caught together when they were teenagers and sent to centers of sexuality conversion “therapy” (torture). The author respectfully includes trigger warnings.
Angst, second chance romance and internalized homophobia together seem like everything I could wish for, so I knew I had to try this book. Maybe peculiar, since many queer people don’t like to consume fiction focused on graphic queer struggles. Once again the correct answer is: whatever floats your boat. Stories with queer people that doesn’t touch on queer struggles frequently give me anxiety. When I’m in the right mind, reading stories of queer people with internalized homophobia getting through a hard acceptance process is really touching and inspiring for me, and it’s one of my favorite themes on queer-led stories. I hate reading about homophobia inflicted by other people, yet the complexity of self-hate is something very sensible and personal to me.
During the first 10% I thought: this won’t work. The emotion description was too raw, the pain of the MCs was deep, but it was described in such a bland way I was afraid I would read a lot of dark feelings without any of it feeling serious at all, because the writing was the opposite of immersive. After the first 10%, during the first scene of Oakland with his therapist, I finally immersed, and it was worth it.
Oakland and Jameson are on different spaces, and I found really good how their feelings and beliefs over their sexuality are different, their struggles are different even the deep self-hate being the common point. Jameson has strong denial with extreme Christian roots, believing his sexuality is something of the Devil, while Oakland not having a religious background, sees his sexuality as a sickness.
Oakland makes progress faster, and I felt more easily connected to him because of the lack of religious discourse in his problems, while I had more of a hard time wanting to read about Jameson because I’m never interested in read about toxic Christianity, but I understood where he was coming from in his relationship with his family (even though it stressed me out, I don’t like reading about toxic family environments) and was always wishing the best for him as well. All the therapy sessions of both were very interesting to read and I really appreciated the author including them.
The biggest problem in this book is the extremely offensive and dehumanizing representation and treatment of sex workers. I won’t get in details, but there’s a minor character who is a sex worker and she is treated my multiple “good” characters in such a derogatory manner, it’s disgusting. I’ll give the example that Jameson discarded his couch because she slept on it for one night. This decision of the author disappointed me very much, nothing about it was necessary for the story being told, it was gratuitous misogyny.
The romance element is weak. The enjoyment of this book is centered around the character development, and Oakland’s support for Jameson could have been a friend’s support, not necessarily leading to a romantic HEA, and the second chance aspect was also lacking, we don’t get to know many details of the past relationship and I missed it.
It was good for me read about their journey, this was a hit for me regardless of its problems, I’m glad I decided to read this book, but I’m still not sure this author’s style is for me.
December 7, 2020
Oh, man. This was not a light read. And i wouldn’t say it was an angsty read, but then again it would depend on how you define angst. I guess something angsty for me would be if the Mcs couldn’t be together for exterior purposes. Their separation as children was pretty angsty and would have surly shattered my heart so im very glad that happened off-page and fifteen years prior to where this book is taking place. But man, it was a hard fucking read and do not be fooled by the passage of time. Sadly, time doesn’t heal everything, some wounds, if untreated, with the passage of time, end up infected and poisoning your blood. These man were both deeply, completely, wounded like there wasn’t a single area of flesh that wasn’t maimed. This book was deeply disturbing so please, please heed the warnings:
-Internalized homophobia
-homophobia
-suicidal ideations
-alcoholism
-self harm
-addiction
-depression
-anxiety
-conversion therapy (off-page)
You name it...
I do not recommend this book if you’re gay lmao.
I actually do not recommend this book at all. Especially snowflakes.
-Internalized homophobia
-homophobia
-suicidal ideations
-alcoholism
-self harm
-addiction
-depression
-anxiety
-conversion therapy (off-page)
You name it...
I do not recommend this book if you’re gay lmao.
I actually do not recommend this book at all. Especially snowflakes.
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