The Adult Orphan Club: How I Learned to Grieve the Loss of My Parents

by Flora Baker

A vulnerable, honest and deeply personal guide to finding your way through grief. Flora Baker was only twenty when her mum died suddenly of cancer. Her coping strategy was ignore the magnitude of her loss. But when her dad became terminally ill nine years later, Flora was forced to confront the reality of grief. She had to accept that her life had changed forever. In The Adult Orphan Club, Flora draws on a decade of experience with grief and parent loss to explore all the chaotic ways that grief affects us, and how we can learn to navigate it. Written with the newly bereaved in mind and packed with practical tips and advice, this book guides the reader through every step of their grief journey and opens up the death conversation in an honest, heartfelt and accessible way. Whether you’re grieving your own loss or supporting someone else through grief, The Adult Orphan Club will show you that you’re not broken, and you’re not alone.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction

170 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 1, 2020

About the author

Flora Baker is a freelance travel writer, blogger and copywriter. She runs the award-winning website 'Flora The Explorer', where she writes about her travels in over fifty countries, and has written for a range of publications including The Independent, Telegraph, National Geographic Traveller, Coastal Living, and Hello.

She now lives in London, UK, along with her parents’ overflowing bookshelves, a growing collection of houseplants and an adopted cat named Olive.

Flora's first book, 'The Adult Orphan Club: How I Learned to Grieve the Loss of My Parents' draws on a decade of personal experience, and is a moving and honest guide to the grief process.

For more, visit:
www.floratheexplorer.com
www.twitter.com/florabaker
www.instagram.com/florabaker
www.facebook.com/floraexplorer

Reviews

[Jahnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

At the time of writing I'm thirty-two years old, and not married nor in a long-term relationship. I have no children. I have no pets. It's been over ten years since my mum died, two years since my dad's death, and I live alone in the family house I grew up in, surrounded by my parents' possessions mixed in amongst my own.

Okay. We have lots of similarities there, including being an only child (which she probably forgot to mention), so of course, I had to read it. It's like finding a friend who understands because she's gone through the same pains and burdens as you. I like this book. Real and practical, without needing to pull on the dramatic emotional strings. It's relatable and useful not just to the grieving person.

[Candice Walsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have so many things I want to say about this book. I've had to read it in bits and bobs because I'm still in the fresh field of grief over my mother and also in anticipatory grief over my father. But everything here resonated with me SO MUCH. It's rare to find a good grief book that isn't preachy or religious. I read this on Kindle but will buy the print copy so that I can earmark pages and return to them when I need to know I'm not alone in my feelings.

Flora's straightforward, honest approach to writing this book is so wonderful. No bullsh*t. Everything is so relatable and touching. She weaves tangible lessons and coping mechanisms with stories of her own heartbreaking journey, but is also keen to point out that no two grief journeys are the same. Even if you're not grieving, this is worth a read to understand what others go through.

I will actually take some of these lessons and use them as I go forward, and for that I'm so grateful.

[Lucy Scanlon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book on grief I have read. As a fellow member of the Adult Orphan Club, it felt like looking in a mirror and feeling the relief of being understood. I will be buying a copy of this for anyone I know who loses a parent or joins the orphan club - the practical advice on what to do before, during and after death combined with the personal account of the emotional rollercoaster of grief is just the perfect companion. It feels like Flora is gently but firmly taking you by the hand and leading you down the path she has already travelled, to show you that the journey will be hard beyond all else but you will survive.

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of the book in exchange for a fair and honest review.

[Vix S · Rating 5 out of 5]

This May 7th will mark 20 years since my Dad died, and not a day has passed without me thinking of him and wishing he was still here. This book perfectly encapsulates the famously non-linear grieving process. Not an easy thing to sum up when it’s so different for everyone, but having experienced an overwhelming amount of bereavement, Flora Baker is more than qualified to speak on the subject. I’m sure that she, like all of us in the dead parents club, wishes she wasn’t. But if we can work to one day hold up the people who held us up by imparting our horrible, shitty, wishIdidnthaveit “wisdom” then.. well, that’s something, at least.

[Suchandrika · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm in the adult orphan club too, having lost my mother at 16 and my dad at 19, back at the turn of the century. I felt very alone and broken through my 20s and a little way into my 30s - I wish I'd had this book then.

Flora Baker's 'The Adult Orphan Club: How I Learned to Grieve the Loss of My Parents' is partly a memoir of living through her parents' deaths at 20 and 29, and partly a guide through grieving. It's a vitally necessary book in a world where bereavement is often thought to adhere to clearly delineated stages and strict timetables, while unfolding hidden from public view. Nothing could be further from the truth - grief weaves its way into every part of your life.

The book is clearly-written and well-paced: a real guide to the worst of grief, and then the gentle lifting of that load with time. It also gets across the forward movement through the darkness that the grieving have to consciously choose to undertake, in order to truly deal with it. In that sense, it's also helpful for those who have not yet encountered grief, but find themselves supporting a loved one through uncharted, bleak territory.

There's also a comforting exploration of just how maddening some of the lesser-known symptoms of grief can feel, and the magical thinking that can tie us up in knots. In the isolation of grief, it is calming to know that other people have been through this, that it isn't just your mind falling apart on its own.

Baker's affectionate portraits of her parents and family home build up over the course of the book to become almost visible to the reader - a fitting tribute to her loving parents and happy childhood. As she writes: "It's wonderful when you realise that you get to choose how vividly your parents live on," capturing that incredibly freeing moment in grief when you're able to understand that all the pain has transformed the loss into freedom, to love the absent on your own terms.

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of the book in exchange for a fair and honest review.

[Madison Lauber · Rating 5 out of 5]

“We’re living, in spite of our loss. We’re living because of them, and because we loved them. That’s all we need to do.”

Man. THIS. I can’t emphasis enough how validating this is, for being so real about her complicated grief. She guides you through the whole process. If only I could have read this book sooner, (especially about the long to-do list of death admin) but at the same time, I’m glad I picked this book up when I needed it. Her truth is validating, because losing both of your parents is painfully vulnerable, lonely, and world-shattering. A gasping, waking nightmare. You feel like nobody understands, paralyzed on the sidelines of a world so cruel, while watching other people celebrate holidays, pregnancies, weddings, etc. with their family while stuck in a loop of triggers and emptiness. I felt so alone up until now.
I am so grateful she carried on and wrote this book.
The funny thing about grief, is that it teaches you that you’re never alone. Death brings the most unlikely people together.
There is light behind the clouds, even if you can’t see it.
There are people out there who have suffered the same thing, and have come out on the other side.
Your life hasn’t ended yet, even though your childhood is gone with them. It’ll take time and patience, but you can learn to live again. <3

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

My dad passed away at the end of July and as is my way, I just had to get myself a few books about grief as this isn't something I have a lot of experience of, The Adult Orphan Club appealed to me because it seemed like it was the most personal to me, with Flora having lost both her parents. I've only lost my dad, but that hurts enough, never mind losing my Mam on top of that.

This was a really interesting read, it focuses a lot more on the aspects of grief you don't expect - basically, all of the grief admin you have to do when someone passes away. It's genuinely baffling to me to have to do so much legal/official leg work, when you're mired in your grief over losing someone and it all has to be done so quickly.

Flora's writing style is so easy to absorb and read. It only took me a couple of hours to read this and I said to my boyfriend that I felt less alone having read it, my Mam and sister have been great and my boyfriend has literally been my rock, but Flora's own experiences really did help me, too, indirectly.

[Carla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book on grief I have read. As also being a fellow member of the Adult Orphan Club.
I relished in the feeling of being understood and not alone. I will be buying a copy for myself to look back on. And for anyone else that joins the Adult Orphan Club. It’s practical without feeling to heavy.
I found, so many similarities with my own behaviour throughout the book. Especially saying hello to my Mum at double digits :)
I throughly enjoyed reading the book and will be recommending it to others. I didn’t want it to end.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of the book in exchange for a fair and honest review

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really needed this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, even if it feels like it sometimes.

[clara · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25 stars

wow. there were so many moments i would read a phrase and feel relieved. my grief holds its breath for years. hearing some of the ways flora baker talks about grief made my own grief exhale. this book is not groundbreaking but that's what's great about it. the way it was written in several small sections also helped me with pushing through in reading.

this book took me a month, only because i would have waves of headspace where i felt okay to read it -- and waves of headspace where i couldn't think about this subject.

i'm holding grief's hand, and so is this book.

[Cassidy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book on grief I've read.

This is exactly the book I needed. In the first few pages, Flora writes, “I wanted companionship on this journey through grief.” This book felt like exactly that: companionship. Although Flora’s experience in losing her parents differs from mine, I saw so much of my own grief experience reflected in these pages. I felt seen and held while reading it. The mix of memoir and practical guide is unlike any book on grief that I have read. While it is written with the adult orphan in mind, I believe this book will help anyone feel less alone on their own unique grief journey. Thank you, Flora!

[Richard Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written. Heartfelt, practical, sad and joyous. This is the book I wish I could have read 13 and 8 years ago when I joined the club. Part memoir, part grief-guide it’s a brilliant exploration both practically and emotional of what it means to lose a parent.

[Caroline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read, part memoir and part practical guide to grieving

[Tess · Rating 5 out of 5]

Knowing Flora, this book hit very hard. Though I'm not a member of the Adult Orphan Club, I am no stranger to grief and loss. This is truly one of the most accurate portrayals of grief I've ever read and I found myself relating to so much, especially in the chapters about how it feels to lose someone that matters to you. I would recommend this to anyone who has lost a love one or who has a loved one that is going through the stages of grief.

[Mike · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a really incredible book.

Firstly, it's honest. Not in the skillfully confected, carefully guarded way that honesty is often delivered in non-fiction books - but in the way that Flora simply tells you what happened, including all the uncomfortable, heartbreaking details that are so difficult to share that hardly anyone does so. It's to her immense credit that she includes everything, because it turns this from a engaging personal chronicle into an unflinchingly truthful guide to one of the hardest things we ever face.

It's also useful. This is a weird thing to say about a book centered around negotiating death and grief, things we spend most of our lives avoiding thinking about. But it's filled with things that would make the process so much easier - or if not easier, then more efficient, helping you move forward to daylight again.

I say this as someone who has just emerged from a similar process described in the book: my mum (and only suriving parent) died in early 2018 and it took me two full years to untangle everything, with an immense number of missteps on my part, and I got only through it because I had relatives who guided me through every step. This is a book that can do the same - and do it in a caring, empathetic way that doesn't preach and never loses focus on the fact this is about people feeling overwhelmed at every turn, including Flora, as she conveys so frankly throughout.

(There are some gems of advice here that I wish I'd known in advance - like using a phone to record conversations, when you're so burnt out by everything that nothing is really sinking in.)

This is a smart, beautifully written and devastatingly honest...memoir? How-to guide? I'm not sure. All of the above. In total, it's pretty much in a category of its own - and it's on a topic that's so important (and so inadequately addressed by other literature) that I think everyone should read it. They'll never regret it.

[Jamie Bee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part Memoir, Part Practical Advice

What a wonderful and brave book! My own father passed in December 2018. While his decline took years, the death itself was sudden, and I never had a chance to have one final goodbye. I had thought I was handling it well until I read a book written by a friend that brought up emotions that I wasn't aware I had buried. Since then, I have sought out other books on grief, specifically the grief of losing a parent. So when I saw this book at one of my favorite book review sites, I had to pick it up. The book is organized in an interesting way. If you go through the table of contents and read the author's description of how she has structured the book in the introduction, it makes logical sense and has a certain flow. But what might seem like a cold list of contents is actually a blend of the author’s been-there, done-that memoir and practical advice for other grievers. I think some of the best nonfiction comes from personal experiences that the author lived through and then makes universal. Most often, this comes from what we could perceive as negative life experiences; as Robin Roberts says, “Make your mess your message.” The author has succeeded with that here, and in doing so, she offers real-world support and encouragement for a difficult process that is intensely personal, isolating, and yet universal. I particularly liked the chapter meant for people who are supporting others through grief. It is the first chapter in the section about the language of grief. Never know what to say to someone who is grieving? This chapter gives great advice about what to say and what not to say. If you are going through grief (or are expecting to do so), pick up this book written by a young woman who has, unfortunately, had to live through this twice in her 30-some years.

I received a free copy of this book, but that did not affect my review.

My book blog: https://www.readingfanaticreviews.com

[Glyn Moxham · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book last year and Flora's account of her grief experience had me engrossed from page one to the very end.
The numerous, complex, varied and repeated emotions associated with grief are etched into every page. You feel the stomach-lurching events as they unfold throughout.
This book is also a great navigation tool through the tragedy of losing a parent - the practicalities as well as the emotional devastation.
I am not an adult orphan - I have lost one parent - but nevertheless I could identify with so many of the emotions, feelings and terrors of the grief process*. I so wish I'd had such a guide eighteen months previous.
[*although of course it's not really a process, as that implies a defined end].
Thank you Flora for your candidness in sharing your story and in helping me realise the validity of and start to rationalise some of the emotions in my grief.
I have no doubt this book will help countless others who have or will join this terrible club and have no hesitation in recommending it to anyone who thinks it could hold a key for them.

[lf · Rating 5 out of 5]

How you can deal with grief so you don't go down the rabbit hole of loss

The Adult Orphan Club by Flora Baker Is an honest account of one woman's journey through the process of grief. We will all face it at some point and some more poignant than others. But we never get away from this life without having to face a heartbreaking loss and the aftermath that comes with it. I have not completed reading this book yet, as I can only handle so much of it at any one time, but what I have read is well written and emotionally real. The author has combined her own experiences along with a helpful guide which I thought was a great way to do it. I would recommend this book to readers as it would be helpful to those that are going through a loss, those that have already but never dealt with it and those with aging parents that may want to understand more and learn some coping mechanisms beforehand.

I received a copy of this book for my honest review. My opinions are all my own.

[Theo G · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure if I was going to enjoy this book, but I really did. Much of the time, memoir type books are dull, and drone on. But Flora mixes coherent story with her own thoughts in a very good way. I felt both like I was reading a well written book, and that I was also hearing someone's inner monologue.

It was refreshing hearing about the pain of grief, and allowing yourself to feel it, no matter what you "should " be doing. It's rare that you get to see so much of what someone goes through, and how the process looks, outside of "you never really get over it."

I haven't lost a parent yet. But this book talked so frankly about death and grieving, and the very real things that must be done during the process, that it really helped my fear of what will come later in life. Books like this help with uncertainty. While you can never truly prepare, familiarizing yourself with death, and it's process, is a way to see what might come, and how you will feasibly cope with it.

[Jiji · Rating 4 out of 5]

Firstly, i am one of those adult orphan. I am very grateful to find this book to help soothing my pain losing someone i loved. Flora totally hit it at certain points in the book.

I felt better and understood throughout my reading. I felt like we are connecting through the book. It helps a lot to relieve my stress & trauma.

I found that reading the first half of the book was therapeutic, even when i cried myself out reading it. It really helps a lot in the bereaving/mentally unstable period.

I advise you to read it in a private space so that you can cry to your heart content when you need to. Nevertheless, this book is a good medium to help those bereaving adult❤️

Disclaimer :

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.This is a totally honest review from me. As a new adult orphan, i found this book helps a lot in my self-healing journey.

[Masa M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have decided to read "The Adult Orphan Club" as I work with people who are bereaved and was hoping to learn/understand more about grief. I felt that Flora's way of writing was beautiful and raw. She reflects a lot on her own experiences and what worked for her but also highlights the importance of how different it might be for someone else.

I felt that it was very helpful to have the list of resources at the end of the book but also all of the little tips throughout the book which were there to make a difficult task a little bit easier.

I would recommend "The Adult Orphan Club" to anyone who is bereaved or wants to learn more about how to support a loved one who is grieving.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.  

[Gray Connolly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I generally do not write reviews but as I lost my beloved parents (albeit not quite as early as Flora), I wish this book had been published and read by younger me. It is to Flora's immense credit that she has done so good a job of explaining with admirable clarity what it is like to lose those who you most loved, and who knew you best, and the array of emotions that engulf you when they pass from this life. I have read Flora's book and heard her on podcasts, and feel I almost know her parents, and have no doubt they would be very proud of her and what she has done in writing and publishing this book. I strongly recommend "The Adult Orphan Club" for anyone coping with parental loss or support someone going through this worst of times.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

As others have said, this is meant to read probably within the weeks of your second parent passing. I started it the day after my dad died, so it did help me through it although I couldn't digest it all at once. At times reading how visceral her pain almost made me feel bad my pain has been, and is still, more of a painful ache, with flashes of extreme intensity. She said everyone grieves differently, though, and I know I am grieving differently than I did with my mom.

Beautiful book with solid advice for how to help others cope with your grief as well, which I'll have my husband read that chapter and use it myself when others walk this lonely, sad road.

[Leanne Downs · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I wish I had had when the losses of both my parents was more recent. As someone who has a very similar grief story to the author (losing my Dad at 19 and my mum at 28, both to cancer) so much in this book resonated with me, but I feel that the practical stuff in it would have been so helpful at time when you do feel very alone and lost. I feel as though this book would be a real gift to anyone going though loss, especially of parents. Thank you Flora for this gift to the grieving.

[Beth Roman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this book were very good and really resonated with me, however much of it seemed like a 'how to deal with RIGHT AFTER the death of your parents.' While parts were interesting they really didn't pertain to me because my mother's death was a few months prior. This almost seemed like a book to read as your second parent is in the process of dying which can be virtually impossible for many people including myself since my mother died within 3 wks of going to the hospital and two days after her cancer diagnosis.

[Alina Anca · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very healing experience for those who found themselves in a similar situation. I do recommend it even for those who only lost one parent, it can prepare you for losing the other one - something that often happens sooner rather than later - unfortunately. I read it after losing both and I remember feeling it would have maybe helped reading it earlier in life, so I can maybe help my dad more to navigate the loss of my mum. Anyway, thank you for sharing all this and making us feel less misunderstood.

[Caroline Hackney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't give out 5 stars to a lot of books, but this one is a gem. I read it during and after my father's death, about 1.5 years after I lost my mother. If I had highlighted pertinent phrases then entire sections would've been covered in pen. Flora Baker has eloquently and candidly articulated so many of the emotions I've been living through the past couple of years; this book has been an absolute godsend on my grief journey.

[Vicky Cox · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was lovely, felt like someone sitting down with me with a cuppa, reassuring advice and just "getting it." Simultaneously easy to read (which is a huge plus for my grief addled brain!) but comprehensive and informative.

[Sandy B]

DNF at 57pct

[Gianna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book and it helped me tremendously.