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Born Under The Gaslight: A Memoir of My Descent Into Borderline Personality Disorder
“What will the neighbors think?” “Keep your voice down, or the neighbors will hear you screaming.” I never knew The Neighbors, but, more importantly, they never knew my family. Right next door was a house of horror, and they indeed never knew. This is the story that was carefully concealed from you. This is the story that can happen even if you do grow up with neighbors watching.
From Award-Winning author Cindy Collins comes an unblinkingly honest, poignant, and often heartbreaking firsthand account of what it’s like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) . . . and the pervasive trauma she endured as a child that led to her descent into the dark world of BPD. Gaslighted by her mother—who cultivated an outward appearance of being the perfect wife and mother—Cindy suffered ongoing sexual abuse by multiple family members, abandonment, and cruelty at the hands of the one person who should have loved and protected her most. The resulting fits of rage, extreme thinking, difficulty maintaining relations, and depression would set Cindy on a path of destruction until she finally found the hope and courage to fight her demons.
Chronicling her childhood of abuse, her diagnosis of BPD in her twenties, and her ultimate road to recovery, Born Under the Gaslight is a memoir like none you have ever read before. Offering a rare and insightful glimpse into the inner struggles of someone who lives with BPD, Born Under the Gaslight is a must-read for therapists, others living with BPD, and anyone wanting to understand the complexities of BPD and how to offer practical and emotional support.
From Award-Winning author Cindy Collins comes an unblinkingly honest, poignant, and often heartbreaking firsthand account of what it’s like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) . . . and the pervasive trauma she endured as a child that led to her descent into the dark world of BPD. Gaslighted by her mother—who cultivated an outward appearance of being the perfect wife and mother—Cindy suffered ongoing sexual abuse by multiple family members, abandonment, and cruelty at the hands of the one person who should have loved and protected her most. The resulting fits of rage, extreme thinking, difficulty maintaining relations, and depression would set Cindy on a path of destruction until she finally found the hope and courage to fight her demons.
Chronicling her childhood of abuse, her diagnosis of BPD in her twenties, and her ultimate road to recovery, Born Under the Gaslight is a memoir like none you have ever read before. Offering a rare and insightful glimpse into the inner struggles of someone who lives with BPD, Born Under the Gaslight is a must-read for therapists, others living with BPD, and anyone wanting to understand the complexities of BPD and how to offer practical and emotional support.
- GenresMental HealthNonfiction
Kindle Edition
Published March 27, 2020
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
September 8, 2020
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
I haven't read many books about Borderline Personality Disorder but this was definitely an interesting read. The author writes of many traumas and the gaslighting she dealt with growing up. She tells the story with such emotion and honesty. I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in learning more about BPD.
I haven't read many books about Borderline Personality Disorder but this was definitely an interesting read. The author writes of many traumas and the gaslighting she dealt with growing up. She tells the story with such emotion and honesty. I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in learning more about BPD.
December 15, 2020
via my blog: https://bookstalkerblog.wordpress.com/
𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒈𝒏𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑩𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝑫𝒊𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒕𝒘𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔. 𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒊𝒕 𝒓𝒂𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒅𝒚𝒔𝒇𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒅. 𝑶𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝑰 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌 𝒐𝒏 𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒑 𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕.
Cindy Collins opens up about her struggle of living with Borderline Personality Disorder, trying to understand and manage it. It is a harrowing experience, particularly throughout her childhood when she had no support and was deemed ‘the crazy one’ within her family. Add the gaslighting (a form of emotional abuse that causes a person to question their every thought, experience, memories and doubt their own sanity) that Cindy was subject to makes for a heartbreaking reality. It’s no mystery that children need structure, basic care, love, nurturing, and guidance but a child who has any challenge (be it physical or mental) requires that much more from their parents. There is, too, the bigger question of what caused her BPD, with all signs pointing to her traumatic childhood and abuse. Cindy Collins had the misfortune of being in a home where the adults were more concerned with selfish endeavors, leaving she and her brother (7 years older) to fend for themselves while they were away on trips. Sometimes they left their lonely children with other family members, who had no business having access to little girls. With no protection, traumatic incidents took place, violations that have left their mark on her body, soul and mind.
Cindy’s relationship with her mother was a toxin pumped daily into her psyche, a woman who invalidated her feelings and smothered her self-confidence leaving no wonder to the reason why she began to revolt. When BPD began to color her thinking, her home life was a sinking ship, leading her to self destruct. Cindy could abandon the wreckage, but being without love and hungry for it, she discovered fast that the damage her parents did had already set in. We can be stripped of every possession and survive, it is when we are stripped of our truths, our very stories that we crumble. To be invalidated by those meant to love and protect you often leads a person to seek out those human needs in anyone willing to give us so much as a crumb. Creating a healthy relationship when you’ve grown up with dysfunction as your ‘norm’ would be nothing short of a miracle and for Cindy her attempts are filled with landmines. Cindy’s journey is about the disharmony of the heart and mind. With a mother whose slogan was “What will the neighbors think”, it’s a hard truth that the only chance Cindy has is to figure out how to rescue herself. Her mother would rather bury her daughter’s trauma, sexual abuse, and mental illness (that she certainly exacerbated if not caused outright) than help her heal. It is nothing less than criminal.
Seeking help is vital, but there is never a guarantee fix, nor a doctor that even understands a particular diagnosis. How is a person meant to corral the extremes of their mental health when the treating physician isn’t fully qualified or worse, when the patient is made to feel like an anomaly rather than a human being? As Cindy tells us, she spends most of her time hitting a wall. The fact is there is no one size fits all to treating trauma, no magical pill no magical thinking that makes everything ‘all better’. We are bombarded by disinformation about mental illness, either made to fear it, minimize it, or dismiss it altogether. Factor in victims of abuse and society politely turns a blind eye. This memoir is for the neighbors that wonder what living in suppression feels like and exposes the truth of what happens behind closed doors. This is what it costs to ‘fit in’, hiding the violations to body and soul, as not to disturb the peace.
Cindy finds light at the end of her tunnel in adulthood with a promising new therapy but if you ever wondered why so many people struggling with mental illness give up on treatment, she provides insight. It takes validation to help her navigate her past and find hope for the future. This is Cindy’s account of what it is like to live with BPD, particularly undiagnosed and in a destructive family. Raw and unflinchingly honest.
Published April 2020
Indomitable Publishing
𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒈𝒏𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑩𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝑫𝒊𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒕𝒘𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔. 𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒊𝒕 𝒓𝒂𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒅𝒚𝒔𝒇𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒅. 𝑶𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝑰 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌 𝒐𝒏 𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒑 𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕.
Cindy Collins opens up about her struggle of living with Borderline Personality Disorder, trying to understand and manage it. It is a harrowing experience, particularly throughout her childhood when she had no support and was deemed ‘the crazy one’ within her family. Add the gaslighting (a form of emotional abuse that causes a person to question their every thought, experience, memories and doubt their own sanity) that Cindy was subject to makes for a heartbreaking reality. It’s no mystery that children need structure, basic care, love, nurturing, and guidance but a child who has any challenge (be it physical or mental) requires that much more from their parents. There is, too, the bigger question of what caused her BPD, with all signs pointing to her traumatic childhood and abuse. Cindy Collins had the misfortune of being in a home where the adults were more concerned with selfish endeavors, leaving she and her brother (7 years older) to fend for themselves while they were away on trips. Sometimes they left their lonely children with other family members, who had no business having access to little girls. With no protection, traumatic incidents took place, violations that have left their mark on her body, soul and mind.
Cindy’s relationship with her mother was a toxin pumped daily into her psyche, a woman who invalidated her feelings and smothered her self-confidence leaving no wonder to the reason why she began to revolt. When BPD began to color her thinking, her home life was a sinking ship, leading her to self destruct. Cindy could abandon the wreckage, but being without love and hungry for it, she discovered fast that the damage her parents did had already set in. We can be stripped of every possession and survive, it is when we are stripped of our truths, our very stories that we crumble. To be invalidated by those meant to love and protect you often leads a person to seek out those human needs in anyone willing to give us so much as a crumb. Creating a healthy relationship when you’ve grown up with dysfunction as your ‘norm’ would be nothing short of a miracle and for Cindy her attempts are filled with landmines. Cindy’s journey is about the disharmony of the heart and mind. With a mother whose slogan was “What will the neighbors think”, it’s a hard truth that the only chance Cindy has is to figure out how to rescue herself. Her mother would rather bury her daughter’s trauma, sexual abuse, and mental illness (that she certainly exacerbated if not caused outright) than help her heal. It is nothing less than criminal.
Seeking help is vital, but there is never a guarantee fix, nor a doctor that even understands a particular diagnosis. How is a person meant to corral the extremes of their mental health when the treating physician isn’t fully qualified or worse, when the patient is made to feel like an anomaly rather than a human being? As Cindy tells us, she spends most of her time hitting a wall. The fact is there is no one size fits all to treating trauma, no magical pill no magical thinking that makes everything ‘all better’. We are bombarded by disinformation about mental illness, either made to fear it, minimize it, or dismiss it altogether. Factor in victims of abuse and society politely turns a blind eye. This memoir is for the neighbors that wonder what living in suppression feels like and exposes the truth of what happens behind closed doors. This is what it costs to ‘fit in’, hiding the violations to body and soul, as not to disturb the peace.
Cindy finds light at the end of her tunnel in adulthood with a promising new therapy but if you ever wondered why so many people struggling with mental illness give up on treatment, she provides insight. It takes validation to help her navigate her past and find hope for the future. This is Cindy’s account of what it is like to live with BPD, particularly undiagnosed and in a destructive family. Raw and unflinchingly honest.
Published April 2020
Indomitable Publishing
April 10, 2026
A memoir driven by ego, written from the unshakable belief that no one has ever suffered quite as profoundly, or as uniquely, as the author herself.
January 6, 2022
Difficult to read due to the circumstances Cindy endured. Yet, a powerful real-life story of a survivor. I applaud her tenacity to survive amidst a monster for a mother and for parents who never deserved to be labeled as such. Wishing Cindy & Darrin all the best.
September 29, 2020
This Could Be A Movie
I won't lie, I ordered this book for two reasons: it was inexpensive and, I have struggled with some of the same diagnoses. My diagnoses are older and therapy has helped immensely, but the labels ARE still stigmatized and people suffer needlessly though it is gaining more acceptance!
I liked the raw honesty in this book! Despite the fact that the author's illness caused her to act out in ways that are not socially acceptable and in some cases were downright illegal, Cindy did not sugarcoat her actions nor does she try to solicit pity. Unquestionably however, this lady deserves respect, empathy and compassion. Her mom could be described as "bat-shit crazy" and THAT would be generous! To be sure, the mother played a big part in the development of the author's Borderline Personality Disorder. To treat your child the way this woman treated hers -- especially her daughter, is reprehensible and as far as I am concerned, I think she should be held accountable but I can certainly see why Cindy felt it best to just have nothing more to do with them!
This book is engaging, at times sad, other times entertaining and an interesting first hand account of a woman's journey from a frenzied existence to a more fulfilling life. I wish her and her husband the best.
I won't lie, I ordered this book for two reasons: it was inexpensive and, I have struggled with some of the same diagnoses. My diagnoses are older and therapy has helped immensely, but the labels ARE still stigmatized and people suffer needlessly though it is gaining more acceptance!
I liked the raw honesty in this book! Despite the fact that the author's illness caused her to act out in ways that are not socially acceptable and in some cases were downright illegal, Cindy did not sugarcoat her actions nor does she try to solicit pity. Unquestionably however, this lady deserves respect, empathy and compassion. Her mom could be described as "bat-shit crazy" and THAT would be generous! To be sure, the mother played a big part in the development of the author's Borderline Personality Disorder. To treat your child the way this woman treated hers -- especially her daughter, is reprehensible and as far as I am concerned, I think she should be held accountable but I can certainly see why Cindy felt it best to just have nothing more to do with them!
This book is engaging, at times sad, other times entertaining and an interesting first hand account of a woman's journey from a frenzied existence to a more fulfilling life. I wish her and her husband the best.
October 19, 2025
BPD
As a borderline myself I felt I was reading my life story, minus the abuse. I was diagnosed late in life, at age 65. I am still, and probably always will be, struggling with my demons. It's not an easy life. There needs to be more help available for people suffering from BPD. It's frowned upon, as if we chose to be this way. I hate the way I am but don't know how to change it on my own. I struggle daily with the need to stay in therapy versus the desire to quit. That's the push-pull of BPD. My therapist always says, "Remember, your BPD is a liar." But it feels pretty honest to me.
This book is very well written, and the author is open when talking about her trauma, her family, her illness, and her daily struggle.
As a borderline myself I felt I was reading my life story, minus the abuse. I was diagnosed late in life, at age 65. I am still, and probably always will be, struggling with my demons. It's not an easy life. There needs to be more help available for people suffering from BPD. It's frowned upon, as if we chose to be this way. I hate the way I am but don't know how to change it on my own. I struggle daily with the need to stay in therapy versus the desire to quit. That's the push-pull of BPD. My therapist always says, "Remember, your BPD is a liar." But it feels pretty honest to me.
This book is very well written, and the author is open when talking about her trauma, her family, her illness, and her daily struggle.
May 25, 2021
Easy to read, but so informative!
A real lived personal experience of Borderline Personality Disorder. This will have special appeal for teens & young adults, but even the mature and elderly who've suffered PTSD &/ child abuse & sexual abuse, may find their symptoms and identify with some of Cindy's behaviours and feelings right here! Cindy's journey is well put together and reads almost like a novel, without the reader realizing how much information they are uploading! An excellent read for all with mental health challenges & those who work with them and with youth in general!!
A real lived personal experience of Borderline Personality Disorder. This will have special appeal for teens & young adults, but even the mature and elderly who've suffered PTSD &/ child abuse & sexual abuse, may find their symptoms and identify with some of Cindy's behaviours and feelings right here! Cindy's journey is well put together and reads almost like a novel, without the reader realizing how much information they are uploading! An excellent read for all with mental health challenges & those who work with them and with youth in general!!
October 15, 2020
I read this book after hearing the author being interviewed on a local radio program. I found her story disturbing yet interesting. I had to keep reminding myself this was a true story and not something made up for a horror film. I cannot fathom ever treating your child the way Cindy’s mom treated her. My hope is that Cindy continues to heal. Thank you for telling your story and helping others while doing so.
September 22, 2020
I lived this book!
I picked this up because it was recommended. I couldn't believe that someone else lived like this . With only a few changes, you could substitute my name for the author's. I feel the pain and I am 63. Thank you for being brave enough to write your story.
I picked this up because it was recommended. I couldn't believe that someone else lived like this . With only a few changes, you could substitute my name for the author's. I feel the pain and I am 63. Thank you for being brave enough to write your story.
April 18, 2021
Gaslighting
I had a lot of gaslighting in my life but I am not a borderline, my mother was. I was never so relieved when someone passed as I was with her. I can understand this person and her mother. If you had a mother like this, read this book.
I had a lot of gaslighting in my life but I am not a borderline, my mother was. I was never so relieved when someone passed as I was with her. I can understand this person and her mother. If you had a mother like this, read this book.
September 29, 2020
Brilliant
It is an eye opening look into a subject no one wants to talk about. It shows that there is hope for those that suffer from BPD and the people that love them.
It is an eye opening look into a subject no one wants to talk about. It shows that there is hope for those that suffer from BPD and the people that love them.
October 1, 2020
Such a victory
This author’s upbringing was terrifying- she was abused in many different ways. It also gives a lot of insight into that kind of mind. Thank you for sharing!
This author’s upbringing was terrifying- she was abused in many different ways. It also gives a lot of insight into that kind of mind. Thank you for sharing!
October 29, 2020
Very disturbing! Couldn't finish it...triggered me too much!
Read
December 15, 2020Did not finish.
December 30, 2020
Raw/sad story
Author tells her story of destructive behaviors that arose from a childhood of abuse. She tells of her healing beginning at the age of 40 and some of the biases regarding BPD.
Author tells her story of destructive behaviors that arose from a childhood of abuse. She tells of her healing beginning at the age of 40 and some of the biases regarding BPD.
February 1, 2021
Raw
Raw, mind blowing, and insightful. I’m thankful there are people with BPD who are willing to be transparent for the sake of others.
Raw, mind blowing, and insightful. I’m thankful there are people with BPD who are willing to be transparent for the sake of others.
July 1, 2021
One of my favourite books. So interesting.
May 8, 2020
Cindy Collins is such an inspiration to anyone who lives with BPD. She eloquently shares her story of where she came from and how she got to where she is. She is so open about all the traumas she experienced and how the borderline affects every aspect of our lives. I highly recommend any who is fighting to live with BPD read her story. We all are different but are fighting the same battle.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews