eBoy: Confessions of an Internet Dater

by Jan Claire

I was just a teenager when someone thought they were being hilarious by telling me that I was so unlucky, if I fell in a bucket of dicks, I’d come out sucking my thumb. Little did I know at such a tender age that it would pretty much be the theme of my love life. Of course I’ve had relationships, but for some reason every boyfriend I’ve ever had just wants to have a quick read and return me like a library book. They’re more than happy to crumple a few pages, maybe even damage the front cover, but they never want me to be a permanent fixture on their mantelpiece. So I had a choice. I could either accept the fact that I was going to die a dried up, sex starved, lonely old husk of a spinster, or actually do something about it. I didn’t really have the right to moan about the lack of pant action, sitting at home in my pyjamas watching Coronation Street. Although it did take a bit of convincing, I decided that dipping my toe into the weird and wonderful world of internet dating was the only way forward. What could possibly go wrong? My standards were extremely low; I’d be happy with a four foot obese troll if he had a good sense of humour and made me feel less like Pariah Carey. How hard can it be to find someone that’s looking for a gobby blonde with tits like half filled pitta breads? So my internet dating journey began. Without realising it, I became a one woman entertainment segment at social gatherings. Every time I saw my friends, I’d have at least a couple of toe curling stories of how yet another swamp weasel had messed with my head. As much as they loved hearing about the madness, they’d always assure me that my prince really was out there somewhere. The fact that I have to kiss a load of warty old frogs in the process will just make me appreciate him so much more when he does arrive. Some of the stories are so unbelievable; I actually get requests to repeat some of the favourites. I almost feel like a dating disaster jukebox when I bring out a particularly corker for the fiftieth time. I do worry that I won’t get invited to as many parties if I do ever ride off into the sunset with the man of my dreams (followed by Lord Lucan and flying pigs). The dating disaster clown with a back catalogue of unequivocal torture would be gone forever. On one particularly story laden evening, when my friend laughed so much he actually had white wine coming out of his nose, he came up with an amazing idea. I’d entertained my friends for so long about my life in crazy spinster land, why didn’t I write a book? If you take the sad, frustrated maid out of the equation, the majority of stories are pretty funny. I do come out of it looking like a gullible desperado most of the time, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that that’s part of my genetic makeup. Let’s face it, without my pea size brain that clearly can’t filter out the lunacy I wouldn’t have half as much material. So I took my friends advice and started diarising the madness, it was actually quite therapeutic. Every date is one hundred percent genuine; there isn’t even the slightest dusting of glitter, there’s absolutely no need. You will literally be a fly on the wall at the most cringe worthy dates you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. You will be so deeply entrenched in the madness; you’ll almost be able to smell the Pinot Grigio. There are some rude bits, not as many as I’d like but I do get to see the occasional idiot naked. It’s brutally honest and embarrassingly detailed at points, so a strong stomach and a broad mind is a necessity. It will hopefully make you laugh, maybe even cry as I end many a night sitting alone on my sofa hooked up to a white wine drip.

197 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 6, 2020

Reviews

[Leah Skipper · Rating 5 out of 5]

A hilarious and often toe curling journey through an often very unsuccessful quest to find love online. The stories are nicely written and full of humour- a great read.