Altogether You: Experiencing personal and spiritual transformation with Internal Family Systems therapy

by Jenna Riemersma, David Kopp (Editor), Richard C. Schwartz (Foreword)

Therapist and speaker Jenna Riemersma applies the groundbreaking insights of Internal Family Systems (IFS) for anyone who feels stuck in unwanted feelings and behaviors, with a special focus on personal transformation for readers of faith. In Altogether You, she explains why our parts are so often at war—parts of us wanting to please others and do things right while other parts seem bent on acting out, shutting down, or engaging in hurtful behaviors. Jenna explores the surprising IFS insight that our warring parts are actually trying to help us, even when what they’re doing or feeling is not helpful. By genuinely welcoming all our parts and learning how to access our God-created core Self, we can finally experience the change, integration, and wholeness we’ve been looking for. Altogether You delivers practical, life-affirming counsel from a leading therapist, speaker, and spiritual guide. Riemersma understands the unique discouragement that people of faith experience when their actions do not line up with their sincere beliefs. With genuine sensitivity to tradition and biblical teachings, she helps readers understand that God is not waiting in frustration on the other side of our “pile of sins” until we “get our act together.” Rather, the God of grace is with us right here, right now in our core imago Dei—the always-accessible starting point for healing. Riemersma’s book is packed with warm, personal stories and immediately applicable insights. She guides readers through paradigm-altering understandings with helpful definitions and summaries, self-inventories, action steps, and resources.

Genres: Psychology, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Self Help, Christian, Counselling, Christian Living

232 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 24, 2020

Reviews

[Morgan Blackledge · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a Christian interpretation of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.

Probably one of the better IFS books out there.

Its heartfelt.

And authentically good.

That I have to say.

Although I had serious reservations.

It won me over.

I won’t go too deep into IFS therory in this review.

You can read my other reviews on IFS books if you’re interested.

Read my Review of Internal Family Systems Therapy, by Richard C. Schwartz here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

Read my Review of No Bad Parts, by Richard C. Schwartz here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5...

Read my review of Greater Than The Sum of Our Parts, Richard C. Schwartz here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

Any way.

In brief:

Conventional psychology views normal, healthy human psychology as a singular entity. And views the presence of sub-personalities with skepticism, as as pathological.

IFS asserts that human psychology is made of parts. And furthermore, our parts frequently want different things and can be in conflict.

If part of you has ever wanted to do one thing (eat cake 🎂 ) and another part of you wanted to do another thing (not get diabetes), and those dudes were in a tug of war over your thoughts, feelings and behavior.

That’s what IFS is talking about.

IFS identifies 4 basic parts types.

Exiles: are the parts of us that we conceal, repress, avoid etc. Our inner orphans.

Mine is terrified of being abandoned, and is equally terrified of failing and looking stupid.

Mangers: are the parts of us that work proactively to protect/suppress the exiles.

Mine likes to plan, and plan, and plan, and talk, and talk, and talk, and think, and think, you get it.

Fire Fighters: are the parts of us that work reactively to protect/suppress the exiles.

Mine like to eat, shop, work and listen to heavy metal at the gym.

And finally.

There is the part IFS calls “Self”.

Self: is the part of us that is vast, present, wise curious, creative, connected, compassionate, etc.

It’s that BIG WISE MIND we get into when we meditate, do yoga, make art, blast heavy metal and knit 🧶.

What ever your spiritual flow thing is.

It’s that expansive sense of self.

Self with a capital S.

IFS asserts that sometimes our parts take over.

What Richard Schwartz calls a “part attack”.

And other times.

The Self is in charge.

What Richard Schwartz calls a “Self leadership”.

Self leadership is basically the goal of IFS.

Anyway.

Author Jenna Riemersma takes that ball and runs with it.

With a slight modification.

That thing IFS calls Self.

She calls the god image within.

Or “Imago Deus”.

And she conceptualizes IFS as doing for your parts, what Jesus did for the outcasts of the external world.

Love and heal them.

And I can TOTALLY go with that.

As long as we leave Roe V. Wade alone.

And as long as we embrace queerness.

Oooooops!

I’m getting off track.

That was my sassy part doing the talking.

My bad.

Anyway….

Jenna Riemersma identifies the following Manager types:
- perfectionist
- doer
- thinker
- controller
- passive (if you don’t try you can’t fail)
- self sabotager
- pessimist (expects the worst so it won’t get let down)
- pleaser/server
- critic/judge
- spiritualizer

And the following Firefighter types:
- get small
- dissociation
- raging/aggression (sabotages intimacy)
- drinking
- sexual acting out/in
- shopping
- cutting/self harm (managing inner pain with outer pain)
- suicidal (managing pain that is out of control)
- homicidal
- eating
- drugging

Her assertion is.

There are no bad parts.

Just overly burdened parts in the wrong roles.

I’m going to leave it there.

I HIGHLY recommend this book.

For Christians and pagans and the godless.

There’s a little something in here for everyone.

It’s time to lay your burden down.

And pick up this GOOD af book.

5/5 🤩

[Teri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one is a life-changer. IFS was coming at me from about five directions and I’m thankful that I started this book AND heard an excellent presentation from an IFS therapist around the same time. I was all-in pretty quickly.

Riemersma’s explanation, chapter organization, and discussion questions make this an excellent learning tool. I’ll be re-reading often as I go forward with more learning and training in IFS.

[Tommy Keough · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ugh, so friggin good. Truly a paradigm shifting model for me that I resonated with. I find IFS to be a little out there overall, but this book reframes the idea of the Self as the thumbprint of God on all of us (Imago Dei). With that reframe, God’s presence can truly feel accessible— not some “over-there” type of presence I need to shapeshift myself to reach.

Besides that, some of the writing here was kind of annoying. Endearing, to be sure, but some of the jokes felt unnecessary to me.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing! She explains IFS in an easy-to-understand way for therapists and non therapists. I’m thankful for the explanation of “God Image” which is what is truly meant by “true self.” I will be processing for a while and recommending to clients!

[Taylor Strutton]

I enjoyed getting to dive deeper into a theory we’ve briefly discussed in class by reading a book that has already begun the process of integrating a Biblical worldview for me.

Overall, a helpful perspective and a good introduction to the major concepts of IFS (Internal Family Systems). Cool that the book was endorsed by the original IFS theorist, Dr. Richard Schwartz.

I don’t completely agree with all of Jenna’s conclusions, but there are certainly aspects of IFS that are helpful in conceptualizing personality, the image of God, and difficult topics like childhood trauma and unhealthy coping behaviors. I resonated with Jenna’s perspective of approaching the difficult behaviors of people around us with compassion. Usually damaging and difficult behaviors are rooted in our hurting parts, or exiles.

Still thinking through a lot of this stuff. If you’re craving a long, existential conversation, casually bring up IFS in my presence. 😂

[Mollie Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

IFS is honestly life changing.

“Rather than trying to throw parts out of the system — which, by the way, does not work because it is impossible to get rid of any of our parts— we can move toward them with love and compassion and gratitude for how hard they are trying to help. We can also move toward them with a curiosity to hear their story.”

“When I hold compassion for my parts, I have hope of giving them access to my God Image, which is key to healing their pain.”

This model of therapy can be somewhat challenging to embrace because it offers a new way for us to think of all of our many “parts” in a tender and compassionate way, which is difficult to do. What I love about this book though is that the author made it very easy to read, grasp, and understand, as well as offer exercises and examples that are very relatable to most. It’s kinda like a book for dummies to better understand IFS, which I love. I recommend this book to all, especially those who would appreciate the interwoven spiritual components.

[Grace Wilcox · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m coming back to read this book again. It helped me have so much more compassion for myself and for others. IFS really can apply to everyone and as my sister pointed out, another book called “Anxious People,” actually uses this system as a foundation for the story. I believe this author has a really good balance between truth and grace as she is compassionate yet also identifies what’s really going on and encourages growth. Seriously eye-opening and such a neat perspective! I’d definitely recommend!

[Samantha Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably one of my favorite mental health books to date. I loved the introduction to IFS therapy and learning about all the different parts of us and how they are all welcome, especially in regard to our relationship with Jesus. I also loved the aspect of meeting the different parts of us with compassion. As a therapist at a Christian group practice setting, I will definitely be using this as a tool not only for my clients but also for myself! A 10/10 resource

[Katelyn Dalton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing. This is one of the handful of books you come across in your lifetime that fundamentally transforms how you view yourself, your relationships, God, and the culture at large. It’s both a therapy approach and faith orientation that gives a language and structure for advocating, understanding, and creating boundaries while simultaneously growing in empathy and compassion for the very real condition of being human.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Couldn’t have read this at a better time. To be honest, I mainly read this book because of all the questions I have around spirituality 😆 Questions about original sin nature, the goodness of humanity, how emotional health intersects with faith, and sooo many other things. This book really delivered. It brought me so much hope and felt SO right. The God that’s described in this book is the one I’ve hoped for my whole life. Better than I could imagine, welcoming all my parts without shame, and inviting me into a better story of unconditional love. I loved every chapter (and plan on buying this book so I can actually do every exercise) and especially the spiritualizer chapter. This book just helps me make so much sense of my internal world. I want everyone to read it. I love the concept of Imago Dei in each of us, wow what a hopeful narrative . . . that I don’t have to fight against my very being but instead surrender to the originally created me that’s connected with God. He’s not out there, he’s right in here. I will be re reading this and diving deep into this concept for forever 😅

[Kim Shay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This approach to IFS Therapy has been incredibly eye-opening for me. Evangelicals would probably reject much of it. I was able to read it through what I used to think, and I understand why people would find it difficult. The author contends, with the developer of Internal Family Systems, Richard Schwartz that there are "no bad parts." This means we must look at ourselves as much more complex than I believe Evangelicals do. The book does not really delve into what the implications are for the doctrine of sin. But it isn't a theology book, so that didn't surprise me. However, that is one of the first questions I had: what does the author think about the nature of sin. That is why I didn't give it five stars.

That said, this book is invaluable. Riemersma terms Schwartz's "SELF" with the divine image. The stamp of being created in God's image. That was helpful for me. To see that the parts we have, exiles, managers, and firefighters alienate us from thinking or feelings consistent with our God image was hugely helpful.

Telling someone that their trauma, anxiety, depression, addition, or whatever is simply the result of sin is not enough. In order to heal from these things, we need to confront them and untangle them. We need to understand why exiles and managers are interfering.

Riemersma's chapter about "Spiritualizing" was worth the price of the book. It made so much sense to me. We all fear we're not "good enough" for God. Even though we're told that God loves us no matter what, often, when we step inside a church, the pressure to be perfect, to never be honest about our struggles, makes us think otherwise. So "Spiritualizer" comes to "protect" us. And Spiritualizer is not about intimacy with God. It's about all the things we can "do" in order to feel like we're okay. Spiritualizer is what motivates us to remain closed to new ideas. New ideas and evaluating our faith is uncomfortable. We fear what it might mean if we examine what we believe. Spiritualizer tells us to remain closed and just pray more. Or fast. Or attend a Bible study. This tendency to be closed impacts our entire spiritual life. That's where we get the "don't watch television" and "don't listen to secular music" notions. We must look as spiritual as possible. But that's not faith. This chapter articulated a lot of things I've sensed for years.

I don't know how I feel about everything in the book. I will probably go back and read it again. But I'm committed now to stop being afraid to ask "why?" when it comes to struggles. The easy answers just don't cut it.

[Lydia · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my top five books for life.

I cannot express how profoundly this book has affected my internal view of self, my worldview, and how I connect with God and others.

My biggest takeaway is the increased, expanded access I have to my own God image/spirit. I am so much more connected, grounded, curious, and compassionate than when I begin this book. I have access to internal parts of self I never knew existed. I am truly, deeply grateful for the experience I had while reading this book and valuable information I gleaned. It is such a practical springboard into sustainable wholeness.

It is my life’s honor to do this work with other people and I’m so grateful for the experience that I had with myself because of this book.

[Heath · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent introduction to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy from a Christian perspective. The book is full of resources and guides to assist the reader in doing some elemental IFS meditations. Indeed, I read this for information this time around and will plan on revisiting it in the future to actually do the exercises myself.

One note: the author is not a theologian (self-admittedly). She does start trailblazing the way to understanding how IFS and Christian doctrine agree and complement each other. However, there is a lot more work to be done here. Work that could be very fruitful!

[Bryan Eberl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel as though I am not the target audience for this book. It has potential for breaking down false cultural Christianity/ views of self, struggle, and pain. It begins digging beneath the surface for those issues, and could be a decent work book for a generation or two older than me. Most books you can extract useful information despite who the directed audience is, but this one is heavily focused and just not best for me, and the ways I perceive the world. It also feels a bit behind on the culture of the current body of Christ.

[Samantha Barnes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful perspective on IFS from a Christian lens. My counselor recommended this book to me and I think the idea of “parts” is a helpful framework! Not 100% sure some of the presented theology lines up, but I can see why she said some of the things she said, and I expect that there’s some finagling to tie it all together with anything like this. But it’s another tool in my toolbelt for observing and understanding and growing in emotional and mental health.

[Amy McLaughlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Riemersma builds on Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems framework by applying it through a spiritual lens. Similar to Schwartz’s book, each chapter ends with exercises in which the reader can practice the methods discussed if they desire. The last couple of chapters show how to use the IFS framework when conversing with those you disagree with, especially those with differing political opinions, which felt like a timely inclusion.

[Amber Wise · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed learning about IFS from a biblical perspective. However, I’m glad I read ‘No Bad Parts’ first. I think Altogether You’ is a great supplement to learning IFS, not necessarily enough to be the foundation. Still 4 stars though. It’s good and an easy read with some challenging exercises to practice.

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parts work for the win! Such a shift in thinking that is healing

[Karla Osorno · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rating 3.75 stars.

I have a very surface understanding of IFS so I like reading books about the topic. This one adds a faith element which I appreciate. Jenna Riemersma provides story, explanation, history of discovery, and exercises to help the reader process and apply the content. The book is well organized and written. My understanding is growing and I definitely relate to warring parts. This one may need to stay close at hand as I work through the exercises.

[Alex]

‘... it is surrender rather than striving that accesses God...’

‘... God is way bigger than sin, than evil, than wickedness. Not only can He stand in the presence of it, He even supersedes it. He is present always - the divine quality of omnipresence - even when it doesn’t seem like He is.’

‘... having an open mind is not a threatening proposition. Unless [you are] afraid of Truth.’

‘... we all desire a deeply safe, open, respectful, and warm space to be present with issues that matter most, without fear or judgement, shame or condemnation. A place where we can speak our truth and ask honest questions. Where we are welcome just as we are, with our honest experience and feelings.’
I wonder what church would look like if this kind of learning/worship actually happened?

‘Whatever your unique experience of faith, you deserve to be able to explore and discuss it openly and without judgement or shame.’

‘... by gently asking [your] various parts to unblend or step back when they want to take over... [you] will be able to stay connected to [your] God Image and be more able to respond in healthy, healing ways. Sure, the hurt and confusion are still real. But... [you] will recognize that the actions of others are about [their] pain, not [you].’

'... say how [you] feel and ask for what [you] need.’

‘The reality Jesus knew and lived out is that truth and conviction are not most effectively communicated by confrontation, judgement, and shame, but rather by love, compassion, and connection.’

‘You are loved just as you are. Not as you should be.
Because you're never going to be as you should be.'
- Brennan Manning

[Emily Ziegler · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a really good example of taking scripture out of context to support whatever you want. I was skeptical of IFS in the first place and hoped that this would give me a better understanding of the integration of counseling and faith, but I was disappointed. The author uses the term “your truth” frequently, which should be a good indication that this is not rooted in Biblical truth.

[Caleb Stott · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book of healing.

I started No Bad Parts and really struggled to take it in. This book really communicated to me though. I’ve already gifted it more than any other book I’ve read.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

INTRODUCTION:

This book covers Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy in a way the average person can understand. The author, Jenna Riemersma, defines all the important terms early in the book and presents all the material in a well-organized manner. IFS is a model of therapy developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz that views human beings to all be comprised of a core self (referred to in this book as God Image or Imago Dei and many different parts. These Parts are unique aspects of our personalities, each with its own thoughts, feelings, sensations, and agendas. When our parts become burdened by pain from negative life experiences, we may respond in ways that address only the symptoms (such as anger) rather than the underlying cause.

PROTECTORS:

Our core self is comprised of Eight C’s: curiosity, compassion, courage, connection, clarity, calm, confidence, and creativity. An Exile is a part that has become burdened by negative life experiences. A burden refers to extreme feelings, beliefs, or behaviors that attach to parts as a result of negative life experiences. It’s as if the part becomes shackled with an emotional load (such as sorrow, rejection, or loneliness) or a cognitive load (e.g., negative beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not worthy of a positive relationship,” or “My feelings and needs don’t matter”). Our parts weren’t designed to carry these loads, which prevent them from fulfilling their intended roles.

Protectors aim to shield us from pain but often end up contributing to it. Managers are proactive protectors and Firefighters are reactive protectors. Common Manager strategies include controlling, people-pleasing, striving, judging, self-criticizing, and attempting to do things perfectly. Common Firefighter strategies include addictions, overeating, self-harm, violence, dissociation, obsession, compulsion, fantasy, and rage. Some Manager parts might help you get a raise (such as the Perfectionist, Doer, or Pleaser/Server), while others might cause you to feel excluded (such as the Controller, Pessimist, or Self-Sabotager). Every Manager truly means well but is stuck in fear-driven behaviors that limit our flexibility and authenticity.

The book identifies the Critic and the Judge as the two hardest-working Managers. The Judge focuses on scrutinizing other people’s flaws, while the Critic focuses on scrutinizing our own. The Judge operates under the belief that by focusing on the flaws of others, we can avoid looking at our own. Meanwhile, the Critic seeks to protect us from failure, rejection, and disappointment - however, it often unleashes painful and self-critical narratives.

SPIRITUALIZER PART:

Jenna Rimersma does a great job of next introducing the Spiritualizer part - a part that tries to “do” religion & faith correctly in order to protect an exile that feels unaccepted by God or others. For this reason, it is very intent on keeping score, depending on black-and-white/right-or-wrong thinking to keep a clear tally of which side of the line we fall on. But where it seeks to foster love, it delivers hate. Where it aims to create unity, it evokes division. Where it preaches words of grace, it conveys a spirit of condemnation.

The Spiritualizer part attempts to earn righteousness, God’s approval, or the church’s approval - or protect an Exile that feels unworthy, broken, or unseen.
• This part often operates with an agenda for you (e.g., the "Do It Right" Controller), imposes impossible standards (Perfectionist), and carries a thinly veiled spirit of “righteous” judgment and shaming (Critic/Judge).
• This part works tirelessly at spiritual activities like prayer or Bible study or volunteering or evangelism and then get burned out and disillusioned when it gets exhausted and isn’t feeling that connection with God it so strongly desires. However, it cannot openly admit this struggle because it believes admitting imperfection is unacceptable.
• This part teaches that if you feel fear, depression, anxiety, stress, struggle with mental health issues, or certain behaviors, you are not right with God. It will provide you with a list of scriptures to justify why you are not aligned with biblical teaching, driving you further from an authentic experience of God - from love.

Jenna Rimersma shares some personal feelings, beginning with an admission that when she listens to someone speaking from a "Spiritualizer" part about fear, anxiety, or loneliness, her own parts get activated. She can tell it’s a part and not the God Image because it has an agenda—it is shaming, it is judging, and her parts react. The same applies to conversations about money, relationships, parenting, sex, and volunteering.

However, when she listens to someone speaking from their God Image about fear, anxiety, shame, or loneliness, she hears a spirit of compassion, grace, and empathy—a moving toward, just like Jesus did. No agenda. No shame. Jesus had a way of holding clearly and non-defensively to his truth while living with such compassion that people’s defended parts felt safe to step back. As a result, they journeyed toward their own internal conviction and repentance. Jesus himself was deeply saddened and had strong words for the "Spiritualizing" parts of the church leaders of his day. The Pharisees had no idea they weren’t the perfect models of spirituality—and they weren’t very open to considering a different perspective.

Jenna provides helpful ways to compare closed "Spiritualizer" manager parts and Authentic Spirituality characteristics. She begins by explaining that authentic spirituality is entirely unburdened. It is connected to communion with God at a deep and resonant level. Authentic spirituality is not about effort but about an abandon.

Authentic Spirituality Characteristics:
• Surrendered rather than striving
• Able to genuinely welcome the full range of human emotions
• Understands that sin, or burdens, are anything that separates us from God
• Sees the God Image in every human: thinks in terms of we
• Focused on being and present to life
• Heart-oriented
• Overflow of love, compassion, grace
• Emotionally safe, empathic, authentic, sincere
• Words and actions are congruent

Spiritualizer Characteristics:
• Stuck in a burdened role (spiritual striving) to try to prevent the pain of an exile from being activated
• Focused on “doing” spirituality perfectly, because it fears God is punishing
• Uncomfortable with negative feelings (sadness, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, insecurity)
• Closed, defended, & defensive against unfamiliar ways of thinking about spirituality
• Has an agenda: gives unsolicited advice, emotionally unsafe
• Sees sin in a hierarchy and holds a Holy Tape Measure to keep score
• Black-and-white / all-or-nothing thinking
• Says one thing (love/grace), feels another (judgment/shame/pressure to perform and/or control)
• Lives with a painful disconnect between what is presented to the world on the outside and what is true inside

With IFS, there is no shame - our parts are not who we are. We simply have good parts stuck in bad roles. While not all behaviors are good, all parts are. There are no bad parts, only bad roles. All burdened protectors are trying to help us with our pain, even when they do so in unhelpful ways.

Parts awareness allows us to get to know our parts in an open and non-shaming way. Only then can we unblend - a process where a blended part feels safe or relaxed enough to release control and step back from the central experience of the individual. This creates space for us to approach our parts with grace and compassion, gently and curiously exploring how they came to be (the cause).

Then, we can ask our parts how they feel about the jobs they’re doing and what they fear might happen if they stop. They need to know there is a gracious Imago Dei within, ready to release them from their burdens.

One important benefit of parts awareness is that it enables us to relate to others with greater compassion and effectiveness.

FOUR KEY PRINCIPLES:

Key Principle #1: We move toward people, not against or away from them, because we recognize that God’s very likeness is imprinted on their core. Any problematic behavior they exhibit stems from a part stuck in a bad role.

Key Principle #2: U-Turn: When a situation or person triggers us, instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong, we turn our attention inward to notice the parts of ourselves being activated. With this simple redirection, the difficult people in our lives suddenly become gifts, acting as our tor-mentors. By frustrating and annoying us, they become mentors, pointing to the parts of us that need healing.

Key Principle #3: We can speak for a part rather than speak from a part. When a part is in control, we speak from it, as though we are the part. However, speaking from a part rarely leads to the outcomes we desire.

With parts awareness, we have the ability to invite the angry part to unblend and separate from us, allowing us to speak for it. We invite the part to unblend and share what it feels and needs. We acknowledge the part’s concerns and ensure we have understood them correctly. Then, we ask for permission to speak on behalf of the part. This process creates a noticeable shift in our energy. Body language, tone of voice, emotions, and facial expressions all change when parts unblend. From this state, we can speak for our parts, significantly increasing the likelihood of being truly heard.

Key Principle #3 is explained in greater detail using an example involving a woman named Jane, who experienced betrayal trauma after discovering that her husband, John, was addicted to pornography and having affairs. If Jane were to speak from her parts, she would likely project anger and hurt, leaving John feeling attacked, shamed, and unwanted. This, in turn, could trigger John’s defensive parts to react with rage, blame-shifting, shutting down, or withdrawing.

In reality, all Jane wanted was for her husband to move toward her with deep remorse, regret, and brokenness. She longed for him to assure her that she is his dearest love and that he was foolish for betraying her. She wanted him to promise that he would do anything in the world to win her back, no matter how long it takes.

Jane does need to have her pain seen and honored. But Jane needs to recognize she’d have a far greater chance of being heard if she speaks for her pain and hurt rather than from it. For Example: “John, I need to let you know that parts of me feel hurt, rejected, angry, betrayed, alone, and afraid about your porn use and affairs, because I have built my life and our marriage around the belief that we would be faithful to each other. And this causes me profoundly deep pain as I grieve that loss. Would you be willing to listen to my pain, seek counseling, and cut off the relationship with your affair partner? If you choose to, I will consider being able to remain in this relationship. If not, I will need to separate myself in order to honor my pain and my integrity.”

Speaking for our parts honors our pain, underscores our integrity, honors the recipient of our words, and gives us the greatest likelihood of being heard.

Key Principle #4: a part is not the whole. This principle frees us to embrace our multidimensionality, giving us more freedom and flexibility in the way we relate to others. A multidimensional perspective helps people stay connected to their God Image (or at least closer to it) and prevents their angry >part from taking over when they feel their feelings and needs don’t matter.

This perspective also creates space between a person’s actions and who they truly are. While this doesn’t excuse bad behavior, it emphasizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries. Sometimes, it may even mean stepping away from a relationship to maintain emotional, physical, financial, or sexual safety. Remember, a healthy boundary is about protecting yourself, not about trying to change someone else’s behavior.

When I honor my multidimensionality, I am free to acknowledge and embrace all the parts of me, rather than identifying with just one. This self-awareness creates space for me to breathe as I relate to my God-given complexity. Simply recognizing that a particular part is not my whole self, but rather a part of me that is trying to help, goes a long way in providing better strategies for interacting with it.

CONCLUDING STATEMENT:

Love does win. Love is the defining characteristic of our God Image, whether directed inward toward our own hurting parts or outward toward the parts of others. We transform burdens through love.

Imagine what it would be like to lovingly and thoughtfully disagree—to hold openheartedness and genuine curiosity for someone on the other side of a debate or argument.

IFS invites you to change by first introducing your parts. When you accept you for who you are, you can better identify the protectors working against your best interests and ask them to step aside. Good parts in bad roles.

There is no shame—no need to assign guilt or pass judgment. Instead, focus on healing: release your burdened parts and create space for the Eight Cs—curiosity, compassion, courage, connection, clarity, calm, confidence, and creativity.

Work to identify the underlying causes (protector parts and exiles) rather than just addressing the symptoms (such as anger). Kindly acknowledge your protector part, thank it for trying to protect you, and kindly ask it to step aside.

It’s more valuable to move towards the Eight Cs, and be able to speak and be heard more effectively and compassionately - than to feel overburdened by the effort of trying to shield ourself from pain.

[Paige Rigby · Rating 5 out of 5]

After recently learning the basic ideas behind internal family systems, I was interested in learning more. I then heard a podcast with this author and was so intrigued as she discussed how perfectly IFS aligns scripturally and parallels the teachings of Jesus. The author does an excellent job of showing how our “self” in IFS terms is indicative of being in our true God image. She so easily connected the dots without being preachy or overstepping scripturally. There were great examples to illustrate the information she was sharing and I really got a great understanding of both IFS and it’s spiritual alignment.

The IFS therapy creator, Richard Schwartz even wrote the forward to this book applauding Jenna’s work showing the parallels between Jesus’ teachings and IFS.

I appreciated the guided exercises throughout each section to help apply the principles and get to know parts, protectors, exiles, etc.

I’d recommend this to any friend, believer or not, who was looking to learn about IFS in depth but in a relatable reading style.

[Jennifer Weeks Ph.D · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was my first reading about the IFS model of therapy. I was excited to get into it as I find the work super intriguing. So, either I didn't pay enough attention to the description of the book or Amazon didn't really tell me that it was a Christian based book.

The pros is that this book does a nice job explaining the basics of IFS, the protectors, firefighters, etc. That information was straightforward and helpful for my therapy practice.

The con, if you are not someone who wants a Christian based book (ME!), is that it is heavily Christian and a lot of attention is paid to the Spiritualizer manager. If you are Christian or looking for a Christian based book, then this won't be a con for you. It will probably resonate and be helpful.

It is something I can recommend to Christian clients for reading but need to find something non Christian to serve the purpose for my clients who will be put off by that focus.

[Aaron White · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderful and timely book. Riemersma applies the work of Richard Schwartz and Internal Family Systems Therapy - the idea that we are a collection of “parts” that are trying to be helpful, but are often burdened or exiled - into the personal, communal and spiritual life. She urges us to live out of our True Self/God Image, which is characterised by things like compassion, curiosity, calm, creativity, etc… instead of thinking that we are only those “parts” that are reacting to pain, fear, anxiety, etc…But she also urges compassion towards those parts, saying there are no bad parts, only good parts in bad roles. It is a work that genuinely helped me understand and love myself better, and find relief in the midst of an extremely difficult season of life.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recently attended an IFS training in SLC by Jenna Riemersma that I really enjoyed. I was very curious about her spiritual perspective, and I loved learning more about it in this book. I agree that spiritualizing takes us away from God, and becoming more in touch with our selves brings us closer to God.

My biggest critique is the same one I had throughout her training: Her discussion about eating too much (cookie monster and Oreos) is not Eating Disorder informed. No one specializing in ED treatment would continually make jokes about eating too much. I’ll give her a break on this, thought, because a therapist can’t be an expert in everything. And she is certainly an expert in many other areas.

[Colm Alton · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an interesting book incorporating therapeutic psychology (in this case internal family systems) to Christian faith. This books presents a very different way of how we relate to our struggles and our relationships with those around us (particularly difficult ones). As a person who is very interested in how psychology and Christian faith can come together I enjoyed this book. I personally have found internal family systems a great lens to view myself and to develop more healthy ways of relating to myself. However if you are not interested in psychology then you will not enjoy this book.

[Gracie Pratt · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars. So good. So impactful. Underlined parts of every single page.

I read this right after No Bad Parts, and it really helped me further explore some of the ways Christianity intersects with IFS (Internal Family Systems model of therapy). I’m amazed at how practical this book felt and how much life-changing awareness I am taking away from it. Highly recommend, even to those not familiar with IFS. If you have a tough inner critic, struggle with shame or a sense of having to earn God’s favor (even if you would never actually say you believe that), or in general, just want to have healthier relationships with yourself and others, you will get something helpful out of this book.

[Tim Ellis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, I've read over 50 spiritual formation / psychology / self-help books and many that i have loved and found very helpful but this book is something else. The revelation in this book is mindblowing. She also explains things simply and with deep compassion while clearly having fun doing it. While reading i literally felt like buying 100 copies and giving them to everyone i know. To say i recommend this book is an understatement. Thanks to my therapist for recommending this. I'm going to be pulling out concepts from this book to apply to my life for a long time.