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You Can Keep That to Yourself: A Comprehensive List of What Not to Say to Black People, for Well-Intentioned People of Pallor
At long last, a much-needed guidebook for well-intentioned people of pallor on what not to say to their African-American “friends”
Greetings, well-intentioned person of pallor.
Your good intentions used to be enough. But in these diverse and divisive times, some people would hold you accountable for your actions. You were not raised for such unfairness. You need help. And help you now have.
Let Daquan--that black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends--help you navigate perilous small talk with African Americans with this handy field guide. This portable bit of emotional labor puts at your fingertips a tabbed and alphabetized list of things not to say to black people. Finally!
How to use: Keep this handbook close. Whenever you are confronted with an African American and you feel compelled to blurt out an observation about her hair or to liken your Tesla lease to slavery, ask for a moment to consult this reference. She'll wait. If the keen insight you want to share is listed herein, You Can Keep That to Yourself. It truly is that easy!
Greetings, well-intentioned person of pallor.
Your good intentions used to be enough. But in these diverse and divisive times, some people would hold you accountable for your actions. You were not raised for such unfairness. You need help. And help you now have.
Let Daquan--that black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends--help you navigate perilous small talk with African Americans with this handy field guide. This portable bit of emotional labor puts at your fingertips a tabbed and alphabetized list of things not to say to black people. Finally!
How to use: Keep this handbook close. Whenever you are confronted with an African American and you feel compelled to blurt out an observation about her hair or to liken your Tesla lease to slavery, ask for a moment to consult this reference. She'll wait. If the keen insight you want to share is listed herein, You Can Keep That to Yourself. It truly is that easy!
136 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 2020
22 people are currently reading
248 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 101 reviews
June 2, 2023
Humorous - yet so very deep: the things we say to 'our black friends' we really need to reexamine - a powerful look at the intersection of language and equality. This is an honest look at how we often assume we know more about something than we really do; we often forget to listen and understand there is more to learn.
September 4, 2020
This book seemed promising, but I was kind of disappointed. It's got a funny premise but the execution was lackluster. Mostly, what brought down the experience was that this book is heavily American-centric. While I'm sure there's some cross-over in cultural expressions, most of the references seemed geared to American audiences ("I voted for Obama" etc.). That's fine as far as it goes, but it does limit the book's range.
Additionally, for a book billed as humour, it wasn't very funny. It was interesting and occasionally informative (although mainly by accident I think), but not funny. It mostly read as a list of pet peeves that were generally left without explanation or real comment. It felt like the author wanted to write a serious book about being irritated by others' use of language, but balked and tried to make a 'joking not joking' narrative instead. The halfway tone leaves this book in an awkward place. It's neither informative enough to really make a point, nor is it funny enough to just entertain. Good concept, unfortunate execution. Meh.
Additionally, for a book billed as humour, it wasn't very funny. It was interesting and occasionally informative (although mainly by accident I think), but not funny. It mostly read as a list of pet peeves that were generally left without explanation or real comment. It felt like the author wanted to write a serious book about being irritated by others' use of language, but balked and tried to make a 'joking not joking' narrative instead. The halfway tone leaves this book in an awkward place. It's neither informative enough to really make a point, nor is it funny enough to just entertain. Good concept, unfortunate execution. Meh.
September 5, 2020
This little book is designed to mimic a book of gentle daily aphorisms. The look of this book is genteel and gifty, and the message inside is deliberately dissonant with this look. Humor and outrage mix from page to page, in a way that reminds me, not surprisingly, of Smyer's novel Knucklehead.
It's a delicate thing to write a book that makes your intended audience laugh even as it mocks and ridicules your intended audience. Reading it is to perpetually experience a "ha-ha, oh wait, that's me he's talking about, ugh" feeling. This book is enlightening. But also, I'm glad it's short.
Odd and unsettling and definitely worth a read for those two reasons alone.
It's a delicate thing to write a book that makes your intended audience laugh even as it mocks and ridicules your intended audience. Reading it is to perpetually experience a "ha-ha, oh wait, that's me he's talking about, ugh" feeling. This book is enlightening. But also, I'm glad it's short.
Odd and unsettling and definitely worth a read for those two reasons alone.
June 5, 2022
Cutting, brilliant, hilarious, and unfortunately necessary.
September 18, 2020
Another teeny tiny recently published book about being anti-racist (at least, I feel that this is what it best accomplishes) only unlike another one I read this year, this one is actually useful! And I wish I could force people to read it! And take a quiz on it! And I don't really say that from up on a pedestal because there was one (at least, maybe a couple more) that I honestly had no clue about ("grandfathered in." We learn and we grow.) Also, I cannot stop laughing at "well intentioned person of pallor." And I'm not laughing in a condescending way. This book is informative, and it's funny, and it's smart, and it's important, truthfully. I mean, there are people of all ages and statuses who have all of a sudden realized that the world is not quite what they thought it was, from their position of privilege, and many of them thought some things were ok to say and maybe they just needed someone to tell them, "no, it's not, this affects me and here's why you should stop." Anyway. It was good, though very very short. I would like to read more from the author and plan on looking into it.
November 30, 2020
This book had potential. Unfortunately, it fell flat. Instead of educating white people on WHY what they say is offensive, Daquan (aka Adam Smyer) just let out his (more than understandable) frustration on the pages. It read more like a book for black people to read and nod their heads in agreement to than a book that is meant to be helpful and educational for white people. Considering white people are the target audience, this is a problem.
Telling white people, "don't say it" and "fuck you" doesn't help them change their behavior. Tell them WHY what they're saying is racist and offensive. Tell them WHY they shouldn't say it. Explain it. Don't take the "if you don't know, you're part of the problem" road. We get that enough from white liberals who call themselves "allies" and "woke" and try to speak for black people. This book was a chance for a black person to explain why these words are offensive, and it completely missed the mark.
Telling white people, "don't say it" and "fuck you" doesn't help them change their behavior. Tell them WHY what they're saying is racist and offensive. Tell them WHY they shouldn't say it. Explain it. Don't take the "if you don't know, you're part of the problem" road. We get that enough from white liberals who call themselves "allies" and "woke" and try to speak for black people. This book was a chance for a black person to explain why these words are offensive, and it completely missed the mark.
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December 23, 2020it's kind of hilarious what all the people who gave this a 1 star rating have in common.
like literally you find this book insulting and are offended by the "vulgar" language and yet...don't really seem to comment on the fact that this book is about racism and the problematic things white people say to black people.
bottom line, if this book offends you more than racism offends you, then you're very much part of the problem.
like literally you find this book insulting and are offended by the "vulgar" language and yet...don't really seem to comment on the fact that this book is about racism and the problematic things white people say to black people.
bottom line, if this book offends you more than racism offends you, then you're very much part of the problem.
September 7, 2021
In You Can Keep That to Yourself, novelist and lawyer Adam Smyer has created a short—and often quite hilarious—list of expressions, ranging from awkwardly tone-deaf to undoubtedly offensive, used by White Americans. Organized alphabetically, the commentary on those expressions is at turns insightful and thought-provoking, but also outrageously funny. This is a book written for adults, and the language and humor follow accordingly. A quick, but enjoyable read.
November 10, 2020
Summary: A humorous and pointed list of “things not to say” to Black friends or colleagues.
“HELLO, WELL-INTENTIONED PERSON OF PALLOR!
“It’s Daquan–the black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends.
“You are reading this book because you want to know what not to say. They get mad at you when you say the wrong thing. But no one will tell you, up front, what not to say. Well, I will tell you. Because I am your friend. Your real black friend.” (p. 7)
Adam “Daquan” Smyer more than delivers on that promise in a book that made me alternately laugh and cringe (“I’ve said that–ouch!”). The book is literally a list of things not to say to Black people, organized alphabetically. Here is the first:
Ally
Well-intentioned people of pallor went seamlessly from not seeing color to being allies. Being part of the problem was never considered. And, really, “ally” was fine for a while. It was aspirational. But now “I’m an ally” is the “Don’t hurt me” of our time. Don’t nobody want you, Karen. You can keep that to yourself.
SMYER, P. 10-11
Smyer can be blunt and use vulgarities. But that has become commonplace both in publications and public discussions. Think for example of the reference of one president to “sh*thole countries.” I’ve heard most of what Smyer says even in informal Christian circles. I’m not keen on this trend but I wouldn’t let the language distract from the message of the book, which it actually underscores, of the simmering frustration engendered by the repeated insensitivities of “people of pallor” And if you think this is just being “over-sensitive,” that’s in the list as well:
Over-sensitive
Y’all snap after you have been unpopular for two weeks. I’ve been black my whole life. In America. And I’m at least functional. I’m oversensitive? The record reflects otherwise.
SMYER, P. 67.
As for one of my cringes?
Yowza!
It’s weird–one minute we are having a normal conversation, and the next you are blurting out a minstrel show catchphrase. Verbal blackface.
So inappropriate! But mostly just weird. A thought: you could not.
SMYER, P. 111.
I did not know that. Now I do. I will not.
So much comes down to being considerate–to trying to imagine being in another’s place. When it comes to being Black, I cannot. But I can listen to how I am being heard by a Black person. That’s what Smyer does for us here. He says what is often only thought when we say what we people of pallor should keep to ourselves.
So what do we talk about?
There is so much that you can say. If we are at work, you can talk about work. (It really would be great if you could only talk to us about work, but we understand that you don’t know where you are.) You can talk about weather and/or sports. You can talk about your favorite shows. You can even talk about current events if your family raised you properly.
SMYER, 121.
This is a quick read that might be worth a periodic review. Old habits die hard. And it is probably worthwhile learning that we don’t have to say all we think or want to say. The truth is, black people have been doing that for a long time.
________________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary advance review copy of this book from the publisher through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewer program. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
“HELLO, WELL-INTENTIONED PERSON OF PALLOR!
“It’s Daquan–the black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends.
“You are reading this book because you want to know what not to say. They get mad at you when you say the wrong thing. But no one will tell you, up front, what not to say. Well, I will tell you. Because I am your friend. Your real black friend.” (p. 7)
Adam “Daquan” Smyer more than delivers on that promise in a book that made me alternately laugh and cringe (“I’ve said that–ouch!”). The book is literally a list of things not to say to Black people, organized alphabetically. Here is the first:
Ally
Well-intentioned people of pallor went seamlessly from not seeing color to being allies. Being part of the problem was never considered. And, really, “ally” was fine for a while. It was aspirational. But now “I’m an ally” is the “Don’t hurt me” of our time. Don’t nobody want you, Karen. You can keep that to yourself.
SMYER, P. 10-11
Smyer can be blunt and use vulgarities. But that has become commonplace both in publications and public discussions. Think for example of the reference of one president to “sh*thole countries.” I’ve heard most of what Smyer says even in informal Christian circles. I’m not keen on this trend but I wouldn’t let the language distract from the message of the book, which it actually underscores, of the simmering frustration engendered by the repeated insensitivities of “people of pallor” And if you think this is just being “over-sensitive,” that’s in the list as well:
Over-sensitive
Y’all snap after you have been unpopular for two weeks. I’ve been black my whole life. In America. And I’m at least functional. I’m oversensitive? The record reflects otherwise.
SMYER, P. 67.
As for one of my cringes?
Yowza!
It’s weird–one minute we are having a normal conversation, and the next you are blurting out a minstrel show catchphrase. Verbal blackface.
So inappropriate! But mostly just weird. A thought: you could not.
SMYER, P. 111.
I did not know that. Now I do. I will not.
So much comes down to being considerate–to trying to imagine being in another’s place. When it comes to being Black, I cannot. But I can listen to how I am being heard by a Black person. That’s what Smyer does for us here. He says what is often only thought when we say what we people of pallor should keep to ourselves.
So what do we talk about?
There is so much that you can say. If we are at work, you can talk about work. (It really would be great if you could only talk to us about work, but we understand that you don’t know where you are.) You can talk about weather and/or sports. You can talk about your favorite shows. You can even talk about current events if your family raised you properly.
SMYER, 121.
This is a quick read that might be worth a periodic review. Old habits die hard. And it is probably worthwhile learning that we don’t have to say all we think or want to say. The truth is, black people have been doing that for a long time.
________________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary advance review copy of this book from the publisher through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewer program. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
August 25, 2021
This was a lot more thought-provoking than I expected, given that 'humor' is one of its descriptions. I still don't quite understand the actual problem with some of the words, like "dark" - some things ARE dark, like horror-based fiction - but that may be due to my being a person of pallor.
September 2, 2020
I was really looking forward to reading this book and learning something. As a "person of pallor" I never look forward to being insulting toward or sounding like an idiot to a black person.
Some of the jargon I totally get ("articulate," "I don't see color," "I am not a racist, but."
Others I don't understand "fam," "funky" (I've always liked that word), "sassy." And the author didn't help this 73 year-old woman to understand.
But I guess the main reason for the low rating is that I spent $10.99 for the Kindle version and was able to zip through it in perhaps a half hour. For that money - and even if it had been free - I would have preferred something more in depth that I could truly have benefited from.
Some of the jargon I totally get ("articulate," "I don't see color," "I am not a racist, but."
Others I don't understand "fam," "funky" (I've always liked that word), "sassy." And the author didn't help this 73 year-old woman to understand.
But I guess the main reason for the low rating is that I spent $10.99 for the Kindle version and was able to zip through it in perhaps a half hour. For that money - and even if it had been free - I would have preferred something more in depth that I could truly have benefited from.
October 26, 2020
This book is very, very short. Each page is one sentence or less. So, who is the audience? If you're familiar with other works on racism, then the contents will already be familiar. The reductive format might provoke a laugh or two, but it's not really going to further the conversation more than similar books (see DL Hughley's How Not to Get Shot). If you're unfamiliar with other works on racism, then this book is too simplified to further the conversation. It's not a bad book in itself; there are just other works out there with much more depth.
November 7, 2020
I do not like it when someone tells me what I am thinking as if they are a mind-reader. "Projection" is what my EX-husband used to do.
February 22, 2021
A short book covering several words that "Well-Intentioned People of Pallor" should avoid using.
While I can't say I have not used any of these words in the past, I can say that I'm working on it.
The definition of Ignorance, that Smyer gives and how people of pallor often use it in a way that allows (white) people who are literally evil and have committed some atrocity or another against a Black body or community shows how we give a type of grace to white people bc by definition ignorance is innocent. But that is not the case. White people who commit crimes or say hateful shit about Black people aren't ignorant. They're racist pieces of shit. We should label them as such.
And if you are genuinely ignorant, bc I know it is possible if you grew up like me with literally one Black kid in your high school, you don't have any excuse not to educate yourself now. Do better, be better. No excuses.
While I can't say I have not used any of these words in the past, I can say that I'm working on it.
The definition of Ignorance, that Smyer gives and how people of pallor often use it in a way that allows (white) people who are literally evil and have committed some atrocity or another against a Black body or community shows how we give a type of grace to white people bc by definition ignorance is innocent. But that is not the case. White people who commit crimes or say hateful shit about Black people aren't ignorant. They're racist pieces of shit. We should label them as such.
And if you are genuinely ignorant, bc I know it is possible if you grew up like me with literally one Black kid in your high school, you don't have any excuse not to educate yourself now. Do better, be better. No excuses.
September 16, 2020
This dictionary of what NOT to say is quick, easy to read, and funny(!)--but important. Think you have a handle on having authentic conversations because you've read How to Be an Anti-Racist, Me and White Supremacy, or So You Want to Talk About Race? Think again...and take the author's short, very short, and ultra short explanations to heart.
January 6, 2021
My thanks to #AkashicBooks for the ARC in exchange for an honest review. This little gem is humor that makes the reader stop and think. Funny on the surface, but in fact, dead serious. Yowza! Now here you are thinking I am talking about the book. Yowza, right? We all say it. Did you know it is a minstrel show catchphrase? Yup. I did not know that. Don't say that anymore, huh? This small but mighty book is full of the ABC’s of those sassy . . . nope, not sassy (see page 85) words that are most definitely not helpful to the conversation. This book is highly recommended for the anti-racist.
October 14, 2020
Don't let the polite title fool you. I was looking forward to reading and learning from this book, as a well-intentioned person of pallor, but Smyer just insults. I didn't make it far into his glossary because the F words and demeaning delivery turned me off completely. I'll look for other sources for how to navigate what to say and do to be antiracist.
August 15, 2020
I was going to say that this book should be required reading for all white people, but let’s face it, most of us wouldn’t have the self-awareness, humility, or sense of humor to even get through this slim, hilarious volume. But it also might be because some white people don’t read very well.
At any rate, this is a valuable volume for some white people. Some will find it as funny as I did. I’m shelving it in the Reference section of my bookshelves.
At any rate, this is a valuable volume for some white people. Some will find it as funny as I did. I’m shelving it in the Reference section of my bookshelves.
September 2, 2020
Saw this on the new acquisitions list at the library, and the subtitle made me laugh. "People of Pallor" will now take the place of my previous favorite: pigmently-challenged.
It's humor with a bite. Nothing wrong with that. Most (OK, pretty much all) of us deserve what it's dishing to us. I was surprised to see "yowza" on the list. Never thought of that being a problem word...which, I guess, is sort of the point.
This is a short read. I think it took me all of 15 minutes.
It's humor with a bite. Nothing wrong with that. Most (OK, pretty much all) of us deserve what it's dishing to us. I was surprised to see "yowza" on the list. Never thought of that being a problem word...which, I guess, is sort of the point.
This is a short read. I think it took me all of 15 minutes.
September 23, 2020
Hmmm... I think I'll just keep my review to myself. ;)
October 2, 2020
You can read this in 15 minutes. It's humorous, yes, but it's serious, too. Read it to educate yourself.
October 10, 2020
Another quick read at the reference desk. Every well-intentioned person of pallor should give this a quick read, even if you think you know everything. You don't.
June 7, 2021
Get a sense of humor please.
Watermelon!
Watermelon!
October 9, 2020
Quick read, uses humor to make the topic easier to approach. The lessons are interesting and makes you think twice about how to interact with people. Helpful and will have you shaking your head at some of the entries; or 'been there' for African Americans - you didn't imagine that just happened.
September 5, 2020
This is an absolute delight of a book. It's definitely laugh-out-loud funny but there's a lot more to it than that.
I also read Surrender, White People! by DL Hughley this year, and what I said for that holds true for this book, as well: I laughed incredibly hard at a lot of what I read, which lowered my defenses. And then I got metaphorically punched in the face.
The best example here is with the entry for the word "fam," which is simply "no." It's incredibly funny, right?
But then there's also this entry, for "angry." "Whenever yet another white person murders a black [sic] person on video and doesn't even get in trouble, the first thing you ask me is, Why are you so angry? Keep that to yourself, or say what you mean: How did you notice that we are killing you?"
I also loved this book so much that I immediately bought his novel (Knuckledragger) and I cannot wait to read it.
Highly, highly recommended.
I also read Surrender, White People! by DL Hughley this year, and what I said for that holds true for this book, as well: I laughed incredibly hard at a lot of what I read, which lowered my defenses. And then I got metaphorically punched in the face.
The best example here is with the entry for the word "fam," which is simply "no." It's incredibly funny, right?
But then there's also this entry, for "angry." "Whenever yet another white person murders a black [sic] person on video and doesn't even get in trouble, the first thing you ask me is, Why are you so angry? Keep that to yourself, or say what you mean: How did you notice that we are killing you?"
I also loved this book so much that I immediately bought his novel (Knuckledragger) and I cannot wait to read it.
Highly, highly recommended.
August 19, 2020
Very short, but a worthwhile read. people have a tendency to fixate on anything that makes them different from others. White people then tend to comment on these differences because it makes us feel good about ourselves that we recognize other people as people and actively talk to them. We just simply cannot figure out how to keep our mouths shut and have normal conversations that do not directly address differences. This book will help with that. Next time you see the young black accountant who gets coffee the same time as you every day, maybe just ask him how he's doing and talk about normal things? Because he's a person, too.
September 10, 2020
As a "person of pallor," I found this hilarious yet educating. This book pretty much covers everything you need to know how to behave correctly around poc. You think you're color blind? This book will set you straight. Sadly, there were several moments where I recognized myself and cringed.
I can't recommend this book enough. It's a cute little pocket size which means you can carry it around for easy reference at all time. This would make a great gift to anyone. Oh, and a special shoutout to Daquan.
I can't recommend this book enough. It's a cute little pocket size which means you can carry it around for easy reference at all time. This would make a great gift to anyone. Oh, and a special shoutout to Daquan.
December 24, 2020
The author alphabetically lists and explains insensitive words/phrases that white people reeeeeally shouldn’t say to black people. I thought most of them (e.g. “I’m not racist but...” or “Can I touch your hair?” or “woke”) were pretty common knowledge, but then again we all know that common sense isn’t so common. I had not known about “yowza” (minstrel show roots) but now am glad to know. A good book to give to someone who keeps putting their foot in their mouth when it comes to race and a very short, quick read.
June 6, 2022
As a WIPOP myself, I am the explicitly named audience of the book, and as such the butt of the joke, but Smyer makes it very easy to laugh at it anyway. Most of the entries I was happy to pat myself on the back because I would never say that. A few made me cringe remembering past stupidity, and I'll admit there were one or two where my initial gut reaction was to think, "Yeah, but...". Guess that's why the book is needed.
November 23, 2020
Humor meets reference meets excellent advice, all in under a half an hour.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 101 reviews