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The Preternatural Chronicles #5
What the Hell
In the last place John ever thought he would find himself, reside the scrolls of the prophecy. Armed only with the celestial key provided by the Archangel Gabriel, John must travel to Hell where no creature of Heaven can follow to unlock a box no denizen of Hell can open. Only an abomination can travel below with the hopes of learning an urgent truth that will reveal the fate that awaits all of creation before coming back. To make matters worse, our anti-hero must find a way to free his friend’s soul from an eternity of unbearable anguish, in a place no one has ever escaped. At least Samael wasn’t setting up a trap while John rescued his brother from the mouth of madness . . . right? Guys? Am I right?
411 pages, ebook
First published June 8, 2020
308 people are currently reading
272 people want to read
About the author
Hunter Blain
32 books200 followersMy name is Hunter, and I’m a wordaholic. I’m also about to break the fourth wall…of your mindhole. Because there is a true story behind this…well…story.
It begins with two best friends who grew up together, breaking rules and raising hell as they shaped each other’s personalities into the shameless assholes they are today. Well, at least for one of them, but I’ll get to that in a moment. These two boys—let’s call them Hunter and John—were all but inseparable. John excelled at creating music powerful enough to make angels weep and being the funniest asshole in Texas while Hunter dabbled—poorly, I might add—in his humble writings. Because they were self-declared brothers from other mothers, John respected Hunter’s humble writings as much as I—I mean Hunter (stupid third person perspective)—respected John’s musical magic. John’s tunes could have changed the world, one day…
One fine day, after reading one of Hunter’s horrifically detailed short stories about a serial killer, John asked Hunter to write a story about him.
“Hell yeah, dude! What do you want to be?” Hunter asked, brimming with honor and biting back a very manly squee.
“A vampire,” John responded with a mischievous gleam in his eye. “But not one of those sparkly ones. A true bad ass!”
“Done!” Hunter crowed with a smile and an accompanying high five.
“No, dude. Promise. Promise you’ll write and finish a book about me. You are the most prolific writer of our generation!” John said. (Something like that. I might be paraphrasing a little, but you get the gist of it). “I would consider it an honor to live on for eternity with your words as my life’s blood.”
Hunter agreed, never to realize the weight of that promise until one Sunday morning when John’s mother called, crying incoherently.
John…had died.
Hunter was left in a cold world without his best friend and doppelgänger. Hunter still thinks about that moment to this day. How the morning light crept through the bedroom window while Hunter stared at the ceiling, noticing how the popcorn texture created cruel, jagged shadows. How everything started to blur as his chest was crushed beneath the weight of what he was hearing, each word stacking heavily upon the other until only fitful, ragged gasps of air could escape his throat. Only fiery tears existed, especially after the horrific realization that Hunter now had to make some of the hardest phone calls of his life to the circle of friends who orbited around John’s solar pull.
Their star was no more, leaving their universe a colder and darker place.
John not only left Hunter, but a friend named Valenta as well. There was also Nathanial and Depweg. The friends were each stricken numb with the loss of such a beloved flare of life. But…
When the three found out that Hunter was keeping his promise to write the greatest story ever told—starring their dear friend, John—they demanded to be a part of the adventure. Each of them immediately knew what type of supernatural character they wanted to play in this urban fantasy eulogy. It would be a funeral pyre of words, and their fictional personas would be John’s pallbearers.
So please, as you read the following pages, feel free to laugh. Laugh at the situations John is placed in and his dickish dialogue to those around him, because John is 100% in this story without alteration (albeit he is a vampire). Laugh and let his memory live on inside the theater of your mind. Like he does in ours.
Thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my beating heart, for giving my best friend the chance to live again. You are part of this magical ritual, and that would make him the happiest man in the…well, wherever the hell he is.
It begins with two best friends who grew up together, breaking rules and raising hell as they shaped each other’s personalities into the shameless assholes they are today. Well, at least for one of them, but I’ll get to that in a moment. These two boys—let’s call them Hunter and John—were all but inseparable. John excelled at creating music powerful enough to make angels weep and being the funniest asshole in Texas while Hunter dabbled—poorly, I might add—in his humble writings. Because they were self-declared brothers from other mothers, John respected Hunter’s humble writings as much as I—I mean Hunter (stupid third person perspective)—respected John’s musical magic. John’s tunes could have changed the world, one day…
One fine day, after reading one of Hunter’s horrifically detailed short stories about a serial killer, John asked Hunter to write a story about him.
“Hell yeah, dude! What do you want to be?” Hunter asked, brimming with honor and biting back a very manly squee.
“A vampire,” John responded with a mischievous gleam in his eye. “But not one of those sparkly ones. A true bad ass!”
“Done!” Hunter crowed with a smile and an accompanying high five.
“No, dude. Promise. Promise you’ll write and finish a book about me. You are the most prolific writer of our generation!” John said. (Something like that. I might be paraphrasing a little, but you get the gist of it). “I would consider it an honor to live on for eternity with your words as my life’s blood.”
Hunter agreed, never to realize the weight of that promise until one Sunday morning when John’s mother called, crying incoherently.
John…had died.
Hunter was left in a cold world without his best friend and doppelgänger. Hunter still thinks about that moment to this day. How the morning light crept through the bedroom window while Hunter stared at the ceiling, noticing how the popcorn texture created cruel, jagged shadows. How everything started to blur as his chest was crushed beneath the weight of what he was hearing, each word stacking heavily upon the other until only fitful, ragged gasps of air could escape his throat. Only fiery tears existed, especially after the horrific realization that Hunter now had to make some of the hardest phone calls of his life to the circle of friends who orbited around John’s solar pull.
Their star was no more, leaving their universe a colder and darker place.
John not only left Hunter, but a friend named Valenta as well. There was also Nathanial and Depweg. The friends were each stricken numb with the loss of such a beloved flare of life. But…
When the three found out that Hunter was keeping his promise to write the greatest story ever told—starring their dear friend, John—they demanded to be a part of the adventure. Each of them immediately knew what type of supernatural character they wanted to play in this urban fantasy eulogy. It would be a funeral pyre of words, and their fictional personas would be John’s pallbearers.
So please, as you read the following pages, feel free to laugh. Laugh at the situations John is placed in and his dickish dialogue to those around him, because John is 100% in this story without alteration (albeit he is a vampire). Laugh and let his memory live on inside the theater of your mind. Like he does in ours.
Thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my beating heart, for giving my best friend the chance to live again. You are part of this magical ritual, and that would make him the happiest man in the…well, wherever the hell he is.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews
June 8, 2020
Grab a beverage, some tissues, maybe an economy-size jug of Pepto... What the Hell outdoes all the previous books. The series just keeps getting better. Did I mention tissues? For a 'funny' book, WTH sure brings the feels.
Follow John Cook, vampire extraor... extra... (well, he's extra something ?) to Hell - literally. I hear it's nice this time of year.
Follow John Cook, vampire extraor... extra... (well, he's extra something ?) to Hell - literally. I hear it's nice this time of year.
January 11, 2024
I can’t get enough of John and his friends! These books are so good that I can’t put them down. I love Locke and love the friendship he shares now with John and Depweg. I want more of that! So much humor, battles and so emotional that it has me on an emotional roller coaster.
July 4, 2020
Holy hell that was amazing
This book was freaking amazing. Love the addition of Hailey she fit in perfectly. John is up to his ears in trouble and whither some help from his friends and new allies might have a chance in hell of saving the day. I loved everything about this book except that it had to end. Well done Hunter!
This book was freaking amazing. Love the addition of Hailey she fit in perfectly. John is up to his ears in trouble and whither some help from his friends and new allies might have a chance in hell of saving the day. I loved everything about this book except that it had to end. Well done Hunter!
June 10, 2020
Awesome
"I'm scared." You are so evil, Hunter! That hurt my feelings in the best of ways. This book was another awesome edition to our buddy, John's, life story!
"I'm scared." You are so evil, Hunter! That hurt my feelings in the best of ways. This book was another awesome edition to our buddy, John's, life story!
June 27, 2020
I love this series. I liked ll the previous books and this one was just as great. It picks up the story without missing a beat and has one ultimate surprise that I didn't even guess (no spoilers).
June 26, 2020
Gosh, I love these books!
These stories are so much fun! Poor John just can't seem to catch a break. I so desperately want him to have things go right for a change.
These stories are so much fun! Poor John just can't seem to catch a break. I so desperately want him to have things go right for a change.
August 1, 2020
Another Favorite has been discovered!
In the Spirit of Jim Butcher, Kevin Hearne, M.D. Massey, R.L. King, Al K. Line, Brad Magnarella, and many others that should be named a new fantasy writer has joined the ranks. Yet another individual who would be fun to meet and have a beer with. This is a great idea for a series. Thank for introducing me to John Cook!
In the Spirit of Jim Butcher, Kevin Hearne, M.D. Massey, R.L. King, Al K. Line, Brad Magnarella, and many others that should be named a new fantasy writer has joined the ranks. Yet another individual who would be fun to meet and have a beer with. This is a great idea for a series. Thank for introducing me to John Cook!
August 4, 2020
Great
Another great story in an excellent series. I should expect no less from a truly great author. I can't wait to start the next story.
Another great story in an excellent series. I should expect no less from a truly great author. I can't wait to start the next story.
July 25, 2020
Awesome book as usual from Hunter Blain! Absolutely fascinating!!
July 14, 2020
He's at it again.
Ever run across an author so infuriating that you can't wait for his next book? Me too. Hunter Blain is one of them and I loathe him for creating such wonderful characters. Living in a world fully realized but constantly growing, his cast of characters changes almost as often as John's possessions get trashed. Hunter doesn't pull punches and will seemingly do anything to his creations if it will elicit a squirm or ten from his readers.
Ever run across an author so infuriating that you can't wait for his next book? Me too. Hunter Blain is one of them and I loathe him for creating such wonderful characters. Living in a world fully realized but constantly growing, his cast of characters changes almost as often as John's possessions get trashed. Hunter doesn't pull punches and will seemingly do anything to his creations if it will elicit a squirm or ten from his readers.
July 16, 2020
I really enjoyed this story. Some of the references were interesting and really brought back some memories, like Thich Quang Duc. Of course, John sometimes acts like a 10 year old, but some people do. I especially liked the story that Bruce told John about the balloon.
September 15, 2021
When I started this series I thought it was as good as, if not better than, the early Dresden books, before they got too dark, long-winded and gratuitously violent & nasty.
Sadly, I feel that this "series" is heading that way too, still plenty of my kind of humour but becoming very dark and giving a feeling of hopelessness and despair. I say "series" because it's also becoming more like a serial than a series as the last couple of books have finished without an ending, leaving the reader with a cliffhanger and almost forcing them to buy the next book to continue. This book, What The Hell, feels like the middle part of a book, Continuing on from Mouth of Madness but still not finishing the story, so, more of a serial than a series, in my opinion.
Anyway, it's still quite enjoyable if you don't mind the good guys being killed off, the bad guys always being 2 steps ahead and a long drawn out story.
The narrator, Luke Daniels, gives a stellar performance again and makes it worth listening to.
Will I buy then next book? Hmm, undecided. I partly want to know what happens next but mostly want the old easy going John from the first books back instead of the dark despair currently offered.
Sadly, I feel that this "series" is heading that way too, still plenty of my kind of humour but becoming very dark and giving a feeling of hopelessness and despair. I say "series" because it's also becoming more like a serial than a series as the last couple of books have finished without an ending, leaving the reader with a cliffhanger and almost forcing them to buy the next book to continue. This book, What The Hell, feels like the middle part of a book, Continuing on from Mouth of Madness but still not finishing the story, so, more of a serial than a series, in my opinion.
Anyway, it's still quite enjoyable if you don't mind the good guys being killed off, the bad guys always being 2 steps ahead and a long drawn out story.
The narrator, Luke Daniels, gives a stellar performance again and makes it worth listening to.
Will I buy then next book? Hmm, undecided. I partly want to know what happens next but mostly want the old easy going John from the first books back instead of the dark despair currently offered.
December 1, 2020
Picture this... you’re John standing on top of a mountain. The scenery is beautiful but a little scary as you look all the way down. You start walking back down the mountain and suddenly there’s something shiny in front of you, you bend down to get it and you trip rolling down the path, you only fall a little ways and are able to get back up, dust off and continue on down the mountain. Then you find yourself getting distracted, lost in thought and memories and then you see another shiny so again, you bend down to pick it up and you guessed it folks you fall again, this time falling ahead over heels rolling and rolling and rolling along until somehow you make it to the bottom, scratched but alive, you rejoice in being able to live to fight another day! You continue your path to glory and redemption and then....you take one more step forward and fall, clean off the mountain, not realizing, until it was too late, you were only halfway down the mountain to begin with. That’s it, the end. Oh and add a few WTFs in there for posterity ;)
In all seriousness, I thoroughly enjoyed every trip and fall and recovery and discovery this book has to offer! I went with that story because I have no other way to put into words what happened here without giving it all away! Hunter! How dare you leave us hanging like that 😝
In all seriousness, I thoroughly enjoyed every trip and fall and recovery and discovery this book has to offer! I went with that story because I have no other way to put into words what happened here without giving it all away! Hunter! How dare you leave us hanging like that 😝
March 3, 2025
So far, this is hands down the best book in this series. This book has definitely evoked so many emotions and the laughter aspect of it balanced well with the tragedy aspects. I'm absolutely loving this series to begin with, but this book has sealed the deal for me. I am so looking forward to the next four books, and I am so anticipating the release of the last three. Hunter is seriously My favorite current writer to date, and that's a big statement considering how many different authors I pop around to and from. As a huge fan of Brad magnarella as well, these books top even those which I was so completely enamored. With that I finished them in record time. This series I think will do even more for my reading goals this year.
January 23, 2023
OMG, I cannot get enough of this series. John is my HERO, all his flaws, quirks, and most of all his humor!!! I know I look like a pure crazy person when I am listening to the audible version as I drive in my car, laughing like a banshee. John keeps me up all night and makes me rush home to pick up where we left off. Hunter Blain is a Master! And I could not imagine anyone other than Luke Daniels voice giving life to John and all the other great characters. I am in pure bliss. On to book 6!!!!
September 24, 2020
This series just gets better & better.
Gory, endearing, absolutely hilarious with a rapier like wit. Well OK maybe not, but we love his attempts at being hip (do people still say hip)? Damn you John Cook! The plot is thickening & I honestly can't wait for the next installment. The ultimate anti hero & the best movie references make this an absolute pleasure to read. Keep 'em coming. They're neat!
Gory, endearing, absolutely hilarious with a rapier like wit. Well OK maybe not, but we love his attempts at being hip (do people still say hip)? Damn you John Cook! The plot is thickening & I honestly can't wait for the next installment. The ultimate anti hero & the best movie references make this an absolute pleasure to read. Keep 'em coming. They're neat!
November 9, 2021
Poor John
John is torn between a truth and a lie afraid the truth will rip the humanity out of dewpeg about his friends dieing for him or because of him his maker is the grand master wizard on top of being centuries old vampire he lost his beanie his coat the angelic armor and the nail so much stacked against him but being John he “John-Ned”up and of course did everything in his power to do exactly what he promised not to do so it’s off to hell he goes
John is torn between a truth and a lie afraid the truth will rip the humanity out of dewpeg about his friends dieing for him or because of him his maker is the grand master wizard on top of being centuries old vampire he lost his beanie his coat the angelic armor and the nail so much stacked against him but being John he “John-Ned”up and of course did everything in his power to do exactly what he promised not to do so it’s off to hell he goes
August 1, 2022
another winner!
So I went and read another book after book 4 of this series, just to ya know, try something recommended and take a lil John break. Spoiler alert.. stupid move. Ahhhh it’s good to be back with John and the gang! What an awesome book! Hunter has a way with words that keeps the pages turning while I’m wrapped up with these amazing characters and their suspenseful adventures, while making me crack up! Thanks Hunter! Keep writing dude!
So I went and read another book after book 4 of this series, just to ya know, try something recommended and take a lil John break. Spoiler alert.. stupid move. Ahhhh it’s good to be back with John and the gang! What an awesome book! Hunter has a way with words that keeps the pages turning while I’m wrapped up with these amazing characters and their suspenseful adventures, while making me crack up! Thanks Hunter! Keep writing dude!
January 10, 2023
What?!?!?
Wow!!! I am still in shock by some of the things that happened in this story. This one was the heaviest and deepest of the series so far. I really enjoyed it, though some of John's decisions that ended badly over and over really began to frustrate me. I kept thinking, he knows better than this. He is better than this. He did seem to regress some in this story. Still excellent overall!
Wow!!! I am still in shock by some of the things that happened in this story. This one was the heaviest and deepest of the series so far. I really enjoyed it, though some of John's decisions that ended badly over and over really began to frustrate me. I kept thinking, he knows better than this. He is better than this. He did seem to regress some in this story. Still excellent overall!
September 24, 2020
The finest installment of the series yet! Like a vintage bottle of blood - John gets better and better on his 5th outing.
Also this is John's solo mission his preter-friends bring this story alive.
Hunter has managed to blend together modern day tropes, urban fantasy and science fiction on a way that has never been seen before.
Also this is John's solo mission his preter-friends bring this story alive.
Hunter has managed to blend together modern day tropes, urban fantasy and science fiction on a way that has never been seen before.
October 13, 2020
Keeps getting better!
Hunter has added another wonderful entry to his universe. I swear this man becomes a better author with every book. This one has suspense, heartbreak, and more than a few twists. All the while injecting an amazing humour that has you laughing and leaking from the eye holes at the same time. Can't wait to see what he comes up with next!!!
Hunter has added another wonderful entry to his universe. I swear this man becomes a better author with every book. This one has suspense, heartbreak, and more than a few twists. All the while injecting an amazing humour that has you laughing and leaking from the eye holes at the same time. Can't wait to see what he comes up with next!!!
September 16, 2025
Lots of fun
I am now halfway through this entire series. While there are some real sad points here, I have found some of the funniest lines in this volume. If you like angels and demons and vampires and werewolves in mages and warlocks, this series is for you. Did I mention the Fae?
I am now halfway through this entire series. While there are some real sad points here, I have found some of the funniest lines in this volume. If you like angels and demons and vampires and werewolves in mages and warlocks, this series is for you. Did I mention the Fae?
September 18, 2020
Read the series you won't regret it
Just keeps getting better love this dysfunctioall family as it grows. step on for an emotional roller coaster ride highs ,lows, worry these books are very enjoyable light-hearted but will keep you reading till the end.
Just keeps getting better love this dysfunctioall family as it grows. step on for an emotional roller coaster ride highs ,lows, worry these books are very enjoyable light-hearted but will keep you reading till the end.
October 9, 2020
Best one yet!
Definitely a rollercoaster, Definitely laugh out loud moments, and definitely a great read! Such a well written interesting and intense world. Larger than life characters in an action packed epic adventure.
Definitely a rollercoaster, Definitely laugh out loud moments, and definitely a great read! Such a well written interesting and intense world. Larger than life characters in an action packed epic adventure.
December 4, 2020
Plot twist here there and everywhere
Curious who will be saved and who will not but guess that is to be discovered in the next book. Really curious to find out how much the feds can be trusted.
Curious who will be saved and who will not but guess that is to be discovered in the next book. Really curious to find out how much the feds can be trusted.
September 6, 2021
The the Hero goes to Hell. Twice.
Great job! However, you got me right in the feels. Does John figure out the evil master plan? Does John rescue his friends? Does Magni get a Fae girlfriend? The answer to these questions and more in (possibly the next book) Holy Sheoly
Great job! However, you got me right in the feels. Does John figure out the evil master plan? Does John rescue his friends? Does Magni get a Fae girlfriend? The answer to these questions and more in (possibly the next book) Holy Sheoly
September 8, 2021
So hooked
John is up to his teeth in lies deceptions and angst. As John battles with his nemesis Ulric, he is faced with many hard truths about himself and the ones he calls friends.
John is up to his teeth in lies deceptions and angst. As John battles with his nemesis Ulric, he is faced with many hard truths about himself and the ones he calls friends.
December 30, 2021
John on
Every day… well, every night… I dive into johns world. I just love the humor and for sleeping, I love the audible. It’s amazing, how this became a new go to series for me. Still going strong. On to the next one
Every day… well, every night… I dive into johns world. I just love the humor and for sleeping, I love the audible. It’s amazing, how this became a new go to series for me. Still going strong. On to the next one
August 24, 2020
Hunter Blain
Hunter Blain you've done it again sir! As always masterfully written. Your books just keep getting better! I can't wait for the next one!
Hunter Blain you've done it again sir! As always masterfully written. Your books just keep getting better! I can't wait for the next one!
September 19, 2020
More excitement! John the Vampire goes to hell to rescue a friend. Can he do it? Can his friends help in any way. Read the book to learn more of our anti-hero’s dilemmas.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews