Zal ik ooit genoeg goed genoeg zijn: Helen van een door narcisme verstoorde moeder-dochterrelatie

by Karyl McBride

Zal ik ooit genoeg goed genoeg zijn van Karyl McBride is internationaal al meer dan tien jaar een belangrijk boek op het gebied van relaties tussen vrouwen en hun narcistische moeders. Het is nu eindelijk vertaald in het Nederlands!

Veel vrouwen worstelen met de relatie met hun moeder. McBride pakt deze relatie op een liefdevolle maar effectieve manier aan. Vaak kom je er pas later achter dat je misschien wel een narcistische moeder had, die er niet voor je kon of wilde zijn. Je hebt inmiddels zelf de nodige levenservaring opgedaan, bent zelf moeder geworden, en ziet nu wat onvoorwaardelijke liefde en steun echt inhoudt.

Dit boek staat vol herkenbare verhalen en helende inzichten die je helpen te rouwen om de moeder die je zo graag gehad had. Het mooie is, dat McBride hierbij niet uitgaat van schuld en boete, maar juist van vergeving, zodat je zelf verder kunt met je eigen leven.

Karyl McBride in haar inleiding: 'Ik nodig je uit om met mij mee te gaan om over jezelf en je moeder te leren. Het zal niet altijd een comfortabele en makkelijke reis zijn. (...) Als je de eerlijke reflecties van je levenspatronen onder ogen ziet, zul je jezelf uiteindelijk leuker vinden en een betere ouder worden, beter worden in relaties en al het andere in het leven.'

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Audiobook, Parenting, Relationships

252 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 23, 2008

Reviews

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Found this book unexpectedly while visiting a new bookstore in my area. As soon as I saw the title, I immediately identified (my boyfriend even said it was basically meant for me) Throughout my life, I've dealt with issues stemming from living with a narcissistic mother. While she definitely tried to be a good mother, her own traumatic childhood resurfaced often. In her effort to protect herself, she developed what could be categorized as mild narcissistic personality disorder. I know beyond a doubt that my mother has this but it is a spectrum disorder so her narcissism could be considered mild. Nevertheless, it has affected my older sister and I in many facets of our lives (my older sister especially) and we struggle with self-esteem issues, trust issues, and assertiveness. Reading this book was amazing, not only because it was well-written but because I felt that I wasn't the only one who had experienced this. For many years, I would often wonder if maybe I wasn't just crazy or super sensitive when I felt my mother wasn't as forgiving or understanding as other moms. For years, my sister and I would cry together and wish we could leave. For years, I even wished my sister was my mother.
Following a recent extreme family situation, my mother has been brought face to face with her behavior. I can say that it seems she is making changes but will not assume that she has changed completely. However, I am still very proud and relieved that she is willing to improve herself in order to improve her relationship with her daughters. Without a doubt, I will come to this book again for personal use and I will consult it when dealing with client issues as well. This book is very dear to me and I find myself harboring love, admiration, and gratitude for its author because she helped me (and will continue to do so) in my journey towards healing.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A painful, yet necessary read. I'm really glad I picked this up. It provided some much-needed understanding and helped to guide the healing process.
I feel I still have much to learn and much to forgive but this book was a great starting point.
I *hope* nobody else needs this book, but I know that isn't true. I would recommend this to anyone in my situation. The testimonies from other daughters and even those of the author were eye-opening. I have never felt so un-alone in my life. I could have written some of the anecdotes myself!
I'm still in the anger stage but I've learned enough from this book that I can continue to move forward.
A note that has nothing to do with the book itself - I got my copy from the library. When I got home, I noticed a sticky note on the inside cover that said "You are always good enough to those who appreciate you." I thought it was great! I kept the original, copied it onto a new note and put the new one back in the book.

[Maxine (Booklover Catlady) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read this book 3 times now and in my opinion it’s still THE best book out there about Narcissistic Mothers.

This is the must have book if you grew up and/or still have a narcissistic mother in your life or even suspect that you do. I am one of those unfortunate daughters.

Narcissistic mothers destroy their daughters on the inside. I was shocked to understand how much my mother's issues have truly shaped me, more importantly this book gave me the chapters I needed on how to heal from the cruel effects of it forever.

If your mother is on the narcissism spectrum ranging from full-blown NPD to having some traits then you've got a mother who cannot love, protect or give to a child in a healthy way. Children become empty broken vessels around these mothers. Self-esteem is eroded and a life is spent trying to hear the praise that will never come from her mouth.

The book is incredibly good. As I read of other women's stories in their commentary of their childhood, teen years and adult years it was like the book was written about my mother. I've read a lot of self-help books about the way my mother was but until now never quite hit the nail on the head. It validates your experiences. It's not all in your head.

It shares the "why" behind what mother does, shatters some lies that you have been believing about yourself, looks at how now as adults you are still living by that inner voice that sounds like your mother. Her criticism, ridicule, coldness and neglect are NOT your fault. This book is very healing.

I had to read over a few weeks as its bound to tap into emotions. You will totally understand this disorder at the end of it and because the book has specific chapters on how to heal, how to find the real you and what to do if your mother is still around now it's a must read book.

From the diagnostic criteria of narcissism to how that plays out in everyday life, finally a book that's easy to understand without a lot of confusing psychobabble.

It's opened up truth to me, taught me so much and brought much healing. My heart is that if you too have a narcissistic mother or are suspicious she might be that you can read this book, hug that child within and start to heal. The benefits of Trauma Therapy including EMDR can be critical to your healing. Do love yourself enough to seek any help you can get. I recommend assessing if any Therapist understands Narcissists as sadly a lot don’t.

This is incredibly important writing from this author. A timeless book that I hope helps so many people.

5 huge stars from me. Cannot fault a thing about it. A life-saving book for daughters of mothers with narcissism. Brilliant.

Thanks so much for taking a little time to read
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[Lola · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing book. Really, if you recognize yourself somehow in the title; read it. I actually already knew a lot of the stuff in the book because I was raised by narcissistic parents and diagnosed with some traits of the disorder when I was 20 years old. I had however conveniently convinced myself lately that I was 'cured'. Recent events proved me wrong. This year I had relationships with men who were basically as disinterested as my parents have always been, and after working very hard on a few projects after which everybody told me another version of 'you did fantastic', I only hated myself for not doing as well as I'd expected. And somehow I just couldn't feel angry anymore. With anyone for anything, except myself. I am never good enough for me, my parents or my ill-chosen boyfriends. After realizing this, I knew I was suffering from low self-esteem again. This book knocked me back into the Narcissism-corner, but has been a huge eye-opener.
I'm 23 now and realized while reading this book I kept unconsciously thinking I still somehow should have the love my parents never gave me. I've been trying very hard to make men (the wrong kind of course) love me, and to force my mother and father into the loving parents I want them to be; which of course, they won't ever become.
McBride says in her book its time I grieve for the child that never had a loving mother, and accept the time in which a human being is entitled to love has been over for a while now. That's hard. I need to, but really don't want to. I actually just want to find the next unsuitable emotionally-unavailable man, delude myself into thinking he loves me and feel happy for a little while. Sounds incredibly stupid, right? I want it so bad I somehow manage to ignore all the signs these men won't be good for me. They are like drugs somehow. After a while the guy withholds affection and I start working for it like a mouse in a wheel runner like I've been doing all my life with my parents. I know this now, again. I've decided I'm incapable of happy and real relationships as long as I haven't figured out how to love myself (and thereby others). I will stay single for a while. At the self-destructive rate I was going there soon wouldn't be very much left of me.
This book is something to hold on to. It is very painful to read, but the book makes it very clear that if I don't accept and grieve for what will never be, I will keep doing anything and everything to *gain* love. And I won't just simply love or know myself. Which would make for a very painful and anxious life.
Some call it boring, but I thought it was nice to have the book confirm everything I already knew. This book validates the real me, and has a third part designed to help women heal. I think it's a great addition to a personal journey to find yourself if you suffered under the rule of narcissistic and/or very critical parents.
I'm very grateful for the kind guidance Karyl McBride provides in this book. I would recommend it to any girl who will work for love.

[Tofu Fairy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had such high hopes for this book, but was ultimately disappointed in the results I received from reading it. The book is in three basic sections: recognizing narcissism in your mother, how this narcissism affected you, and ending how it affected you. The first two sections helped me. I was able to definitively see that my mother was/is narcissistic and admit/define all the ways in which this fact created who I am today with all my many issues. Where this book ultimately fails is in the final and, to me, most important section of the book, the whole point of the book, the healing of yourself and moving on from all your baggage the narcissism brought into your life. What I found in reading this book is that it left me horribly sad and angry with very little tools on how to FIX these feelings. The work the author suggests you do is very high school (journals and poster-board pasting) and simply did not speak to me in any way. Did I learn things about my mother, myself, and our relationship. yes. Did this help me in some way? yes. Am I healed and in any way better off for the experience? not really. I would not recommend this book to anyone really because of the way it left me hanging at the end. I am thankful to have a clearer image of my problems and why I have them, but I was mainly doing this exercise to heal, and this book did NOT give me that.

[Denise Mares · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was if the author had been observing every aspect of my life for the past 46 years. Her perspective as a "daughter" gave her an authenticity I have not felt in other books. I learned a lot about myself and my future.

To the nay-sayers: It's unfortunate that you are unable to empathize with others who have truly experienced an NPD mother. Perhaps you would benefit from some introspection before blaming books or society for bringing this taboo subject to light.

[Emma Kaufmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't think I have ever read a book which resonated more with me or touched me on such a deep emotional level. It is personal and intimate, not one of those emotionally detached self help books - and deals with explaining how if you had a critical mother who always had to be center stage and was on some level totally incapable of showing real love you are not alone. This book explains that daughters of narcissistic mothers may be subject to projection, jealousy, and envy because you are viewed as her extension (or shadow). It finally made sense. If you are a daughter of a narcissistic mother this is the most honest and forthright book I have come across and one I will use in the future to reinforce my recovery.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh, if only this book existed 25 years ago ... but, better late than never. Thank you, Dr. McBride, for this. Thank you.

[Beth Hatch · Rating 5 out of 5]

When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions? http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/...

These are just a few of the questions on the survey to determine if your parent is a narcissist. I always assumed that narcissism meant that a person was vain, and realized this is not completely so. This book was an eye opener and gave me the tools I needed to heal and grieve.

Without going into a lot of personal detail, I struggled for years not being able to understand my mother or why she never understood me. Now I understand that a narcissist cannot see their child as an individual person with unique interests and preferences because everything about that child is filtered through a distorted lens of their own reality. If the child does something to anger the parent, the parent will not accept responsibility for any action or emotion they exhibit as a result of their own feelings. What they want, what they feel, is the most important thing in any relationship. They are entitled and are not able to empathize unless the situation mirrors their own life.

The best part about this book learning how to heal, recognizing narcissist behavior, accepting that they will not change, as well as how to have a relationship - or how to let them go should the need be. Understanding why a narcissist cannot empathize or love in the way that normal parents do takes the burden and frustration, mostly, away.

I have had to grieve the fact that my mother will not change. I cannot expect her to be someone other than who she is. The only thing I can control is how I react to her and my expectations.

[Antigone · Rating 3 out of 5]

If I had one piece of guidance to offer on the subject of self-help and psychological books it would be the following: Keep in mind that everyone is a work-in-progress - including the folks who claim to possess a solution to a problem.

Karyl McBride is a licensed therapist with twenty-five years of clinical experience. A number of those years have been devoted to research concerning the children of narcissistic parents. She also happens to be the child of a narcissistic parent. The benefits are clear. Not only does she possess the education and professional history required to tackle this topic in a productive way, she also has first-hand knowledge to draw upon. The potential detriment is not quite so distinct, yet it is a reality all readers must allow for. No one escapes their damage.

Dr. McBride does a fine job introducing and illuminating the issue of narcissistic parenting. She draws from hundreds of interviews with the daughters of radically self-focused mothers to illustrate the depth and scope of the injury done. For this reason alone, the book is a worthy one. Too few of the victims of this soul-crushing form of maternal interaction are aware there are others out there; that they are not alone. That unawareness works to the parent's advantage, perpetuating the false assertion that the daughter is (and always has been) the problem. Not true - and this book will give that information to you. Where it faltered, to my eye at least, was in the midst of its "Three-Step Recovery Model," where things got awfully bleak and dictatorial. It felt like someone's narcissistic mom stopped by to take over. A certain sensitivity went missing that had been fully present before, and that was disappointing.

Again, though, I must point out that everyone is a work-in-progress. This may be easier to see in artists - musicians, painters, dancers, the occasional literary genius - but it's true of all of us. Even licensed professionals.

[Solita · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book explained so much. Wow, I tried and tried to be good enough, and I just couldn't get it right. Now, I realize, I'll be damned, it wasn't me, it was her! For her, I never will be good enough. I always felt there was something not right about my mother, but I couldn't get anyone to listen or understand. About eleven years ago, a therapist I was seeing (not the first, or the second, or even the third) told me my mother is a narcissist (she inadvertently met her). My mother is not overtly cruel, but very subtle, quite insidious. She's vain, arrogant, and harshly judgmental of everyone else and their mother. Even as a child, before I could even articulate it, I was amazed and wondered how it was that my mother was the ONLY perfect mother and human in the world! "OTHER people, but not me," she always said. The old bat is 89 now, and she hasn't changed. I don't keep in touch. I'm grateful I have more clarity. I'm grateful I overcame depression. I'm grateful to be alive. Perhaps my father might have had a chance to stay sober without falling off the wagon if he had understood that he could never be good enough for her, not in a million years, may he rest in peace. My youngest sister, my mother's "golden child", I noticed about six years ago, is becoming more and more like my mother. It's so f'ng Twilight Zone. I don't keep in touch with her either. I'm already 63, but from now on, I do my best, always, and if I'm not as good as I wish, well, I'm still good enough, because I did my best.

1/16/2023 Reading this, after my mother died a month ago at the age of 99, with dementia, in a care facility, behaving as my last therapist of 20 some yrs ago guessed she would, and having mourned her loss all those years ago, I was not devastated, but it does impact. You will feel sad. I regret that in the above review I referred to her as "the old bat." That was meant to be cruelly comical. It was a sting of anger prompting me to do that. But I processed grief years ago, plus maintained physical and emotional distance, and this helped buffer and reduce the anger and pain. It becomes manageable, acceptable. Make peace with that, so that when your damaged mother passes, it will not devastate you, leaving you with unresolved issues. (Like a friend of mine. tsk tsk.) A mother can damage us, but it is up to us to heal ourselves. And that is possible! I feel sorry for my mother. My sense is that trauma made her like that. I'm not forgetting what she did, but I understand she couldn't help it. RIP, Mother.

[Enjoli · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has helped me immeasurably! It's personal and has enough detail to make you nod in understanding yet general enough to leave room for individuality. I loved it.

[Laura Cushing · Rating 5 out of 5]

My therapist recommended this book to help me learn about my narcissistic mother and get some tips in overcoming the guilt I feel for breaking contact with her.

This book is very good - it covers everything from understanding the narcissism spectrum, to recovering from your dysfunctional childhood, to dealing with your mother in the present tense.

I recommend it highly to anyone with a similar issue.

[Lisa H · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book up on a fluke. I was at the campus bookstore trying to kill time. At first I didn't think that my mother was narcissistic ... then I started reading it.
I discovered that she in fact had many of traits and it was like reading about my life in book form.
I will be revisiting this book as I proceed with my healing and self discovery.
I am just so glad to have this resource on hand. I have already recommended this book to one of my friends and it is more than likely that I will recommend it to others as well.
And you know what?
I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

[Anita · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a "survivor", this book did far more to help me than three visits with an EAP therapists. The author truly "gets it", and I no longer feel alone and/or "crazy". She really helped me to learn that I can validate myself and I don't need external validation from anyone, especially not my mother. It also explained my father's contradictory behavior. Quite frankly, I credit him, when he would take my brother and I out alone (to give mom some "me" time) with saving us from total meltdown/destruction.

Excellent book!

[Chantal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book with good content and guiding in the recovery direction. Lots of examples of how it is and what happens to a child when they become an adult. Last part of the book is about how to recover. Good book and very helpful!

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was really interesting for me. Amazing to see how there are so many people out there who are dealing with some of the same issues I am. I recommend this book to anyone who has had issues with their mother and who are living with the "I'm not good enough" internal message. It's also helpful for those of us that do not want to continue the cycle with our own children.

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

I give this book two stars - a relative assessment given there was nothing new to me in this book and that it didn't quite capture the flavor of narcissistic parenting I am accustomed to. However I can see how five stars would be given by those at the start of their reflective journey as its likely this book will - as others have commented - illuminate a heck of a lot for you.

What I found missing was more commentary on the narcissistic parent that arises from other psychological impairment such as chronic depression or dissociative trauma psyches themselves. The narcissism that arises from these seem to have a slightly different tone and presentation yet commensurate intent and impact as that presented in the book.

The book provides structure and some helpful exercises to heal oneself, however the support of a therapist needs to be stressed I feel - it is tough work, and only new relational experiences are likely to heal the deepest wounds which individuals become accustomed to enacting. There is a lot of talk about being ones own inner mother - I agree with this but also think individuals should be careful not to fall in the protective trap of being overly self-sufficient.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book and a book I think would be so helpful to so many women out there who were raised by narcissistic mothers. I don't mean ones that were actually diagnoesed that way but ones that had enough of the symptoms to create daughters that were self doubting, insecure, never able to have good relationships,and more importantly never good enough for anyone including themselves. This was so helpful to me. It is not about blaming the mother but about healing yourself and ultimately forgiving your mother and moving on into a hopefully much better space and understanding. You need to do the exercised in the book as part of the healing process. I don't think you can truly benefit from the extent of the harm unless you do the work that goes along with reading the book. The work you do on your own is probably the most important thing. It is not easy but in order to get through to the pain you need to feel it and to ever be able to move on you must face and feel the pain from the past. It is worth it!

[Nika · Rating 5 out of 5]

[я постійно молюся, щоб гроші, які я відкладаю дітям на навчання, не пішли врешті-решт на їхню психотерапію]


книга прекрасна, бо ж є таким першим поінтом на шляху до усвідомлення, що це не з вами щось не так💔 і болісне дитинство не ваша відповідальність.
чудово структурований наратив з історіями инших і власне з практичними порадами, що з цим всім робити. так, минулого не змінити, але саме зараз є шанс на краще життя, якщо ви відчуваєте химерну постать за спиною, яка несвідомо визначає ваші погляди та самосприйняття💔
найкраще цю книгу пропрацювувати паралельно з терапією - ефекту, як на мене, буде більше.

[Michele Skinner · Rating 4 out of 5]

MAN did i underline a lot of this book. there is a lot of comfort in knowing there are others out there thinking and experiencing what you have thought and experienced. it validates all the reasons you have for pawning off why you are who you are because of things and people shaping your personality. and it gives the keys and permission to move beyond and get over it.

[Michaella · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book Saturday and finished it Sunday. It describes my mother to a T. It has helped me to see everything written out and know that other people have these problems. Her tips for relationships and dealing with your past are very good.

[Bianca · Rating 5 out of 5]

um...I think this was the best book I have ever read when facing the issues I have had with my mother. In fact, no other book has EVER come so close (actually nailing it on the head) to the truth of what has happened our relationship growing up together. My therapist had gently insisted I read this and I reluctantly bought it last week. I didn't even THINK that my mother was narcissistic....because I didn't even know what narcissism was (in the clinical sense). This book explained in the simplest terms that I was able to relate to. This book is a gem of truth and revelation!!

[Marybeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am distrustful of most self-help books & cannot help but question the credentials of a "licensed marriage and family therapist" who poses for her book jacket in an off the shoulder blouse. On the other hand, I picked up this book (before I saw the book jacket) because a friend of mine has issues with a very difficult parent & it was right on the money, down to predicting how a same-parent would respond to various scenarios.

The 'checks' to see if it really is her are reasonable, the advice on handling her is acceptable & the advice on handling yourself is outstanding: get to a therapist before you turn into her & really start hating yourself.

Finally it was nice to read a book on counseling that did not have reuniting as the automatic, ultimate goal. The author realizes that some people just cannot be happy unless everyone around them is unhappy & there is no point in pretending it just is not so. Her advice on that front is reasonable, too. Distance yourself & be polite.

[Readingwilliam]

Who says parents don’t cause mental illness?! The legacy may be multi-generational, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking parents can do no harm. Yes, parents can harm their children, and the result can be mental illness in many forms deriving from a profound lack of trust—an inability to attach in a healthy way.

This book is an eye opening meditation on narcissism, yours and theirs with lots of useful qualitative data. It has implications for personality disorders in general. I’m glad I read it!

[Gulce8 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okurken en çok altını çizdiğim kitaplardan biri oldu Boş Ayna. Aile dinamiklerini anlamanıza yardımcı olurken özellikle annenin sizin benlik oluşumunuza olan etkisi konu edilmiş. Alice Miller’ın yazdığı kitaplardan en büyük farkı kendinizde bundan sonra yaratacağınız değişimi daha uzun ve açıklayıcı bir şekilde ele alıyor olması. Bol örnekli, detaylı bir kitap. Konuyla ilgili aklınızda herhangi bir soru işareti bırakmıyor. Annenizle olan ilişkinizde bir sorun olduğunu hissediyor ama tam adını koyamıyorsanız bu kitap aydınlatıcı olabilir. İyi okumalar..

[Fiona Knight · Rating 5 out of 5]

This may be 13 years old now, but the advice and insights provided here have aged remarkably well. There's perhaps one short section that shows its age, but the rest taps into a truth that really resonated, and has actually been a reference I come back to over the years.

[Lauren Lara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a beautiful book in examining the complexity of the mother daughter relationships in the face of societal narcissism with healing as the focal point. I deeply recommend this book for women who want to heal themselves, the relationship with their mother & to foster an even better relationship with their daughters.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I could have read this YEARS ago, but so glad I read after it was recommended to me. If you grew up with conditional performance based love from your mother, this is a must read! I've attended Dr McBride's workshop and she is extremely knowledgeable and has given advice that works!

[Bloodorange · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book explains the mechanisms functioning in families of narcissistic women, and explains what they are capable of. It also gives some reasonably-looking ways out, and explains how not to hurt your own children.