In My Father's Arms: A True Story of Incest

by Walter De Milly

The TV-perfect family of Walter de Milly III was like many others in the American South of the 1950s—seemingly close-knit, solidly respectable, and active in the community.
    Tragically, Walter’s deeply troubled father would launch his family on a perilous journey into darkness. To the outside world, this man is a prominent businessman, a dignified Presbyterian, and a faithful husband; to Walter, he is an overwhelming, handsome monster. Whenever the two are together, young Walter becomes a sexual plaything for his father; father and son outings are turned into soul-obliterating nightmares.
    Walter eventually becomes a successful businessman only to be stricken by another catastrophe: his father, at the age of seventy, is caught molesting a young boy. Walter is asked to confront his father. Walter convenes his family, and in a private conference with a psychiatrist, the father agrees to be surgically castrated.
    De Milly’s portraits of his relationships with his father and mother, and the confrontation that leads to his father’s bizarre and irreversible voluntary “cure,” are certain to be remembered long after the reader has set aside this powerful contribution to the literature of incest survival.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Gay

144 pages, Hardcover

First published August 26, 1999

Reviews

[Ilgar Adeli · Rating 3 out of 5]

کامل نخوندم واقعیت.
حدود سی چهل صفحه رو‌ پریدم.
کتاب عجیبی بود. بشدت عجیب

[Adam Dunn · Rating 2 out of 5]

An interesting story that is increasingly choppy in it's narrative until it dissolves into insanity.

I felt the author did a great job at presenting a realistic viewpoint of his father. He was molested by his father, but he still only had the one father, and he looked to understand him and I appreciated the humanizing of the situation. I feel like too often in our society these abusers are painted as evil in black and white, and by looking at his humanity and some shades of grey we get a deeper understanding of the situation and how to treat and prevent it in the future.

Not that the father was necessarily deserving of such compassionate treatment. After molesting his son for years, when the son says he's gay the father says "I'd rather blow my brains out than have a son who's a homosexual."

In fact there were several times the father's actions infuriated me and I was yelling at the author to walk away. When the father is caught molesting a neighborhood boy, he attends a group therapy session. When the son asks how it's going, the father says:
"There's only one reason I'm going to these sessions," he told me.
"What's that?"
"To bring each member of the group to salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ."

At that point, it's like, "Well, I tried. See you in the next life, I'm done with you in this one." But the author stuck around.

Perhaps it was the treatment from all the adults in his life that set him up to keep coming back for more. Like when he's sent to a psychiatrist to "cure" him of his homosexuality. The psychiatrist helpfully says:
"Once you're married, you don't even have to have sex that often," the doctor said. "All you have to do is find the right girl and get married. You'd be surprised at how undemanding she might be. It's not as bad as it seems."

Strangely, 10 to 15% before the end, the book gets into the 'lasting healing' section and descends into incomprehensible craziness. I don't know why, it wasn't like that for the first 90%. I don't know what happened.

Like when this random paragraph pops up:
Several weeks later I felt an incredible urge to go to the Pacific island of Bora Bora. Nowhere else. I didn't know why. But I had to do it. Four weeks later I arrived.

The book ventures into dream symbolism, the author has visions, he talks to people who aren't there, he cries as he murders panthers in his sleep. This is the healing?

At one point his father goes fishing with some boys and loses the son's fishing rod. The son relates it to the psychiatrist:
"I guess I felt like the rod was part of me... a phallic symbol? Anyway, it was like he used me so he could get his hands on the boys. The fishing rod represented my youth. That was me he had out there, that was me he was using to get other boys. And he lost us both into the deep."

The fishing rod represented my youth and was also a phallic symbol. Yep.

Then the author starts questioning how much the ocean really loves him:
"I decided to take my time riding home. I stopped by a dock on the Atlantic. There was a breeze, and a million fine waves slipping past. Did they have something to say? Did they love me? I will never know, I thought."

And finally he gives up all hope as:
"the prolonged stress of sexual abuse can cause such an abundance of certain hormones in the brain that they begin to—quite literally—excite neurons to death."

Yes, the author's brain cells had died after the ocean didn't love him and he lost his fishing pole penis. I don't mean to over-simplify a difficult situation or story, but in the world of reality, none of this makes sense. I don't see how this ending got published.

[Mediaman · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unsatisfying, poorly-told memoir of a boy sexually abused by his father who draws a completely wrong conclusion about homosexuality, making incest seem like just another little family problem.

Let's start with how badly written this very short book is. The writer skips back and forth on timelines, often repeating information and confusing a story that could have been easily told chronologically to much better effect. There are also a number of totally insignificant descriptions of life in the south that have nothing to do with the main topic.

De Milly decides that he has multiple personalities, all with the name of Walt, and rambles on in confusing narratives that reveal little beyond his serious mental illness. At the same time, he claims he doesn't recall any of the molestations. If that's true, then why is he writing this book? Oh, I guess he does state up front: "This story has been impossible to tell for another reason: my memory is imperfect. There are still voids of time in my past. When I was writing this book, even I wondered at times whether any of it was true." SERIOUSLY? Then why should WE believe it and why should it be published?

Then there's the issue of his being sexually molested by his father starting in young childhood. De Milly doesn't seem as upset about this as the readers certainly will be, almost normalizing it, and then makes sure to state the bizarre claim that it had nothing to do with his being gay. "He had been molesting me when I was an infant, (and) my homosexuality was more probably caused by genetics than his abusive hands." HUH? Does this guy seriously want us to believe the unprovable, that genetics had anything to do with his enjoying sex with men when the obvious is right in front of his eyes?

This book actually proves the opposite of what the writer claims--and also shows that psychiatry is a quack profession where supposed experts say anything to justify getting paid.

De Milly isn't the only victim. His father, a supposed Christian leader of the community whom everyone praises as righteous, manages to harm quite a few boys. The dad's castration doctor says, "You know something Walter? There's not a man alive who hasn't done something he's ashamed of," comforting an old man guilty of raping numerous youngsters including his son! And the victim-author responds, "That was nice." WHAT?

With a bizarre title like "In My Father' Arms," this unsettling story reveals more about the damaged mental illness of the writer than the true evil of his horrible family life--he should want nothing to do with his father's arms.

[Peggy · Rating 3 out of 5]

You'll want to turn your face away from this one now and then as you read. Presents an accurate depiction of a child molester, who offers a charming face to the world, all the while hatching intricate plots to gain access to children. De Milly's father is the most vapid, insincere character I have ever met in a memoir, even after all is revealed, suggesting to me that he never lost the habit of lying and compartmentalizing. The cause of his pedophilia seems weak to me--I don't understand it, but then, that is the lesson of the book. "Evil has no reason. Evil is that the perpetual question of why has no answer."

The book is written carefully, beautifully. I would have stopped and not returned to the page, except for the author's skillful ordering of his narrative. The author's dissociative disorder also pulls a veil over the worst of his experiences for us, the readers, as well as for him, the child victim. I admit that I raced through his words, I didn't thoughtfully dwell within the meaning of his pain and his doomed relationships and his encounters sailing. His world wasn't anywhere I wanted to linger. But I look forward to De Milly's next work.

[George Ilsley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written and heart-wrenching at the same time. I believe I experienced a bit of disassociation (or cognitive dissonance) myself reading this memoir, since it was impossible to accept that the author's pedophile father really did those horrible things to so many children. Although the subject matter will repel readers, the author's finely tuned, sensitive and poetic voice overcomes the material and safely transports the reader into a more comfortable realm.

However, this text remains controversial and polarizing, because as a reader it is just too difficult to contemplate the monstrous evil inflicted on children. When the source of evil is one's own charming father, two-faced and manipulative, the overwhelming sense of abandonment and betrayal, is, I believe, reflected in the low ratings here.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a difficult book to read just because of the subject matter, but I was curious to know what De Milly went through with his father. What struck me about the book is how people were so willing to cover up what his father had done. He knew his father had molested other kids, yet he never got caught until he was in 70s and he touched a neighbor's kid. But, even then, the kid's father went to Walt about his father's behavior rather than to the police and that was in the 1980s. Younger people probably have a harder time understanding this, but the way we deal with pedos and sexual harassers now is very different than how they were dealt with in the past. A lot of stuff was just swept under the rug or a blind eye was turned towards deviant behavior back in the 1950s through 1980s (maybe the 1990s also). It's sad, but it's true. That doesn't mean things are perfect now, but people are more willing to come forth with their stories now and point the finger of blame at accusers.

[Maria Raymond · Rating 2 out of 5]

I will admit I choose this book because I was in the middle of a 700+ work of fiction and needed a break. I went to my favorite section of the library , true crime, and chose the shortest book.
I didn’t think any topic of crime would be “too much” for me but incest makes for a very troubling read. Don’t think I will revisit this topic.
As a book it was all over the place. The choppy timeline made it confusing and sometimes repetitive. There were many strange rants and stories that I was confused why they were included. Also the lack of character development made it hard to understand how anyone really FELT
I hope by writing this the author was able to heal because I see that as the only “good” there was for publishing this book.

[Stacey · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that tells the story of incest and ensuing psychological difficulties. The book is well written but at times I found it very hard to follow - especially the end of the book. Some of the vague, circular aspects of the story give the reader a glimpse into the way the author's mind must work. The author's dissociation means that he doesn't remember many of the details of his life and abuse and also mean that there are large areas of the memoir that seem missing or under-developed.

As a psychologist one of the most disturbing things about this story was how the mental health world failed the author and his abusive father.

[Laura Dunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I applaud the author of this book for his courage and honesty. I cried throughout the book. Usually a slow book reader, I read it in two sittings at my local Barnes and Noble. I later purchased it as well. It's painful but important to read. We need to educate society about these sorts of dangers.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was very sad, i just wish that it went into more details. It told a very sad story and you could get a picture of what happened but i just wish there was more detail.

[Charlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

[Sammie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Walter De Milly told his story well. It was often difficult to read and very depressing. However, it truly shows the effect that childhood trauma has on a person.