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Andrew Mayhem #5
Cemetery Closing (Everything Must Go)
The long-awaited fifth book in the wildly popular series of horror/comedy novels featuring Andrew Mayhem!
As a stay-at-home dad taking care of triplets, Andrew Mayhem's days of getting into wild adventures are over. His life is measured in diaper changes. Sleep has become an abstract concept, something oft-discussed with his wife Helen but rarely experienced.
So when Internet celebrity explorer Percival Longshore asks Andrew and his best friend Roger to travel with him on a good old-fashioned treasure hunt, Andrew laughs off the idea. He can't even watch ten consecutive minutes of a movie, much less fly to the rainforest in South America to see if an old map is accurate.
The base pay is generous, the potential reward is astronomical, and Percival assures him that he will be in absolutely no danger. After Helen gives her blessing for Andrew to leave for a few days, he finds himself on a small motorboat on the Amazon River seeking his fortune. Maybe this adventure really will be different.
When they pass a skinned body tied to a pole, Andrew realizes that nothing has changed...
As a stay-at-home dad taking care of triplets, Andrew Mayhem's days of getting into wild adventures are over. His life is measured in diaper changes. Sleep has become an abstract concept, something oft-discussed with his wife Helen but rarely experienced.
So when Internet celebrity explorer Percival Longshore asks Andrew and his best friend Roger to travel with him on a good old-fashioned treasure hunt, Andrew laughs off the idea. He can't even watch ten consecutive minutes of a movie, much less fly to the rainforest in South America to see if an old map is accurate.
The base pay is generous, the potential reward is astronomical, and Percival assures him that he will be in absolutely no danger. After Helen gives her blessing for Andrew to leave for a few days, he finds himself on a small motorboat on the Amazon River seeking his fortune. Maybe this adventure really will be different.
When they pass a skinned body tied to a pole, Andrew realizes that nothing has changed...
198 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 23, 2020
88 people are currently reading
144 people want to read
About the author
Jeff Strand
229 books2,218 followersBram Stoker Award-winning author of a bunch of demented books, including PRESSURE, DWELLER, CLOWNS VS. SPIDERS, AUTUMN BLEEDS INTO WINTER, MY PRETTIES, the official novelization of ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES, and lots of others!
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews
June 28, 2020
It's about bloody time for the fifth Andrew Mayhem novel!
This highly anticipated story in the series is long overdue, and I can't tell you how happy it made me when I saw it...if I may stole a quote from PRETTY WOMAN, I did not say "It's better than the Pirates of Penzance"...
Soooo, anyway, Andrew Mayhem is back, as the proud father of triplets. Okay, when I say proud, I actually mean exhausted. In all honesty, I became the proud father of one when I was nearly forty, and we were blessed with a bad sleeper. Now, I love my son more than life itself, but you actually reach a level of exhaustion after the first year where you question your sanity. Those who tell you it gets better, lies! BASTARDS!! You only get used to coping on a lower level. You think I'm joking?
Look at my profile pic. That is my son, a few months old, on the first night the doctor suggested that we try to keep him awake as long as possible. Did it work?
Let me give you a hint, when I heard one of my colleagues bragging that his baby slept all the way through within three months, my exact words were:
"Fuck you for bragging!"
It's much better after more than five years. Some nights he only wakes up twice...
Back to the story:
Andrew has my deepest sympathy, because I can totally relate to that feeling where you would kick a beautiful, naked woman out of your bed just to get some decent sleep. No, he doesn't do that, but you'll understand the context if you read the first chapter.
And, this time around, Andrew and his best friend, Roger, is going to the Amazon on a treasure hunt. If you are thinking INDIANA JONES right now, then yes, you are totally wrong. Because, if there is one thing that Andrew has learned in his life, it is this: If it wasn't for bad luck, he wouldn't have any luck at all.
So, no, you should be thinking a little more along the lines of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST...
Before you ask me: Is it racist to think that a wild tribe of primitive people in the Amazon will be cannibals? Roger will actually give you an answer on that, much better than I could.
Okay, okay, it is a Jeff Strand book, so of course there will be cannibals!
You will have a lot of questions going into this book:
Will Andrew get eaten? Or Roger, perhaps?
Will they find the treasure? Does the treasure actually exist at all?
How will they get back to civilization, if they survive?
How many body parts will they lose?
I'm not going to spoil it for anyone - you will laugh your ass off while cringing on occasion. I'm a huge Strand fan, and I'm a huge Andrew Mayhem fan, so I feel more than comfortable to say that this one will not disappoint.
This highly anticipated story in the series is long overdue, and I can't tell you how happy it made me when I saw it...if I may stole a quote from PRETTY WOMAN, I did not say "It's better than the Pirates of Penzance"...
Soooo, anyway, Andrew Mayhem is back, as the proud father of triplets. Okay, when I say proud, I actually mean exhausted. In all honesty, I became the proud father of one when I was nearly forty, and we were blessed with a bad sleeper. Now, I love my son more than life itself, but you actually reach a level of exhaustion after the first year where you question your sanity. Those who tell you it gets better, lies! BASTARDS!! You only get used to coping on a lower level. You think I'm joking?
Look at my profile pic. That is my son, a few months old, on the first night the doctor suggested that we try to keep him awake as long as possible. Did it work?
Let me give you a hint, when I heard one of my colleagues bragging that his baby slept all the way through within three months, my exact words were:
"Fuck you for bragging!"
It's much better after more than five years. Some nights he only wakes up twice...
Back to the story:
Andrew has my deepest sympathy, because I can totally relate to that feeling where you would kick a beautiful, naked woman out of your bed just to get some decent sleep. No, he doesn't do that, but you'll understand the context if you read the first chapter.
And, this time around, Andrew and his best friend, Roger, is going to the Amazon on a treasure hunt. If you are thinking INDIANA JONES right now, then yes, you are totally wrong. Because, if there is one thing that Andrew has learned in his life, it is this: If it wasn't for bad luck, he wouldn't have any luck at all.
So, no, you should be thinking a little more along the lines of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST...
Before you ask me: Is it racist to think that a wild tribe of primitive people in the Amazon will be cannibals? Roger will actually give you an answer on that, much better than I could.
Okay, okay, it is a Jeff Strand book, so of course there will be cannibals!
You will have a lot of questions going into this book:
Will Andrew get eaten? Or Roger, perhaps?
Will they find the treasure? Does the treasure actually exist at all?
How will they get back to civilization, if they survive?
How many body parts will they lose?
I'm not going to spoil it for anyone - you will laugh your ass off while cringing on occasion. I'm a huge Strand fan, and I'm a huge Andrew Mayhem fan, so I feel more than comfortable to say that this one will not disappoint.
September 7, 2020
I love Jeff Strand. As soon as I started reading this book I fell in love all over again.
It’s such a relaxed easy writing style it makes it so easy to read his books, it’s more like listening to a conversation then reading. He’s also really quite funny too, genuinely funny in a not trying too hard kind of way, he actually makes me LOL.
So book 5 of the Mayhem series, finally! If you have read and enjoyed books 1 to 4, you will also enjoy this book. It is more of the same - more Mayhem in both senses of the word! Although I think perhaps this book is less gruesome than the others? Sure lots of bad stuff happens but there are not lots of gruesome details so it's funny rather than totally disturbing, nightmare inducing stuff.
In this book we are going with Andrew and Roger on a treasurer hunt, of course there are the usual psychopaths and elements of unbelievable bad luck along the way, as well as a few brutal deaths for good measure.
I really enjoyed this book, it was a really fun easy read, sure it’s pretty ridiculous at times but I had a great laugh and I enjoy the craziness of his books. This is entertaining, horror done in a highly amusing way and I recommend it to anyone who likes to laugh and has a bit of a sick sense of humour.
It’s such a relaxed easy writing style it makes it so easy to read his books, it’s more like listening to a conversation then reading. He’s also really quite funny too, genuinely funny in a not trying too hard kind of way, he actually makes me LOL.
So book 5 of the Mayhem series, finally! If you have read and enjoyed books 1 to 4, you will also enjoy this book. It is more of the same - more Mayhem in both senses of the word! Although I think perhaps this book is less gruesome than the others? Sure lots of bad stuff happens but there are not lots of gruesome details so it's funny rather than totally disturbing, nightmare inducing stuff.
In this book we are going with Andrew and Roger on a treasurer hunt, of course there are the usual psychopaths and elements of unbelievable bad luck along the way, as well as a few brutal deaths for good measure.
I really enjoyed this book, it was a really fun easy read, sure it’s pretty ridiculous at times but I had a great laugh and I enjoy the craziness of his books. This is entertaining, horror done in a highly amusing way and I recommend it to anyone who likes to laugh and has a bit of a sick sense of humour.
December 4, 2020
The last Andrew Mayhem book is one of the best.
The fifth Mayhem book sees our unlucky hero travel to the rainforest to help a suspicious podcaster search for buried pirate treasure. Which leads, of course, to danger, murder, and, well, mayhem, as you may well have guessed. Skinned bodies on sticks are only the start of the grisly shenanigans.
This book is a refreshing departure from the previous two, which, though thoroughly entertaining, were admittedly starting to become somewhat repetitive. Cemetery Closing freshens things up by changing the locale and thankfully taking Andrew’s long-suffering family out of the equation. Of course, it’s not just the novelty of this book that makes it work. Stylistically, it’s got everything that made the others amazing too – sleek prose, high tension, and hilarious jokes. Some of the characters are particularly memorable, especially a certain river boat captain. If you liked the other Mayhem books, there’s no question, you’ll love this one too.
The fifth Mayhem book sees our unlucky hero travel to the rainforest to help a suspicious podcaster search for buried pirate treasure. Which leads, of course, to danger, murder, and, well, mayhem, as you may well have guessed. Skinned bodies on sticks are only the start of the grisly shenanigans.
This book is a refreshing departure from the previous two, which, though thoroughly entertaining, were admittedly starting to become somewhat repetitive. Cemetery Closing freshens things up by changing the locale and thankfully taking Andrew’s long-suffering family out of the equation. Of course, it’s not just the novelty of this book that makes it work. Stylistically, it’s got everything that made the others amazing too – sleek prose, high tension, and hilarious jokes. Some of the characters are particularly memorable, especially a certain river boat captain. If you liked the other Mayhem books, there’s no question, you’ll love this one too.
July 30, 2024
Andrew Mayhem was back and I was in for the ride. Even though I did enjoy the fourth one less, this was up to speed again. Great jokes, sarcasm and enough story to entertain you on this ride. Their were more then 5 years between some of them. This girl has hope for a 6th
June 24, 2020
Andrew Mayhem is going on an international treasure hunt! Of course his lifelong streak of bad luck will follow him and nothing will go as expected...but hes used to that.
Great new long awaited chapter in the series that doesnt disappoint. Strand delivers another story with the perfect balace of horror and humor and lots of surpises thrown in along the way.
Great new long awaited chapter in the series that doesnt disappoint. Strand delivers another story with the perfect balace of horror and humor and lots of surpises thrown in along the way.
November 27, 2021
Brilliant as ever
I enjoyed this one as much as I did the other Andrew Mayhem books and I'm afraid I'm about to turn into one of those demanding readers because...WHEN IS THE NEXT ONE??
I had to remove one star for this one as I didn't like the sudden ending to their adventure. It felt like the author had got bored and just decided to wrap things up quickly.
I enjoyed this one as much as I did the other Andrew Mayhem books and I'm afraid I'm about to turn into one of those demanding readers because...WHEN IS THE NEXT ONE??
I had to remove one star for this one as I didn't like the sudden ending to their adventure. It felt like the author had got bored and just decided to wrap things up quickly.
August 15, 2020
Jeff Strand writes amazing psychopaths. Sometimes they're over-the-top, sometimes sympathetic, but always sinister. There are several psychopaths here, in this long-awaited 5th novel in Strand's celebrated Andrew Mayhem series. It works well as a standalone, but the series as a whole is definitely worth checking out. Lots of humorous dialogue and seemingly impossible situations.
July 29, 2020
It's been an enjoyable wild ride through the 5 Andrew Mayhem books. Being a stay at home dad raising 5 kids including new born triplets should be horror enough. At least he didn't suffer through losing anymore body parts.
June 30, 2020
Snakes, leeches and jaguars oh my!
Another great Andrew Mayhem book! Maybe if the adventuring and blood and kidnappings ever get too much, not to mention more than doubling his kid count in one fell swoop, Mr Mayhem should consider a temporary name change to see if that breaks the curse. I would hope not, on either count, as these books are too dang funny for that nonsense. Our intrepid Mr Mayhem and his good friend Mr Tanglen are off to South America for some good old fashioned treasure hunting! Seeing as this involves both men, 'nuff said. Use your imagination and some memories of the past books and I believe you understand what is happening here. Kudos Mr Strand and thank you for the great South American treasure hunting trip of Mr Andrew Mayhem! Oh and no urethras were harmed in the experiences of Mr Mayhem and Mr Tanglen.
Another great Andrew Mayhem book! Maybe if the adventuring and blood and kidnappings ever get too much, not to mention more than doubling his kid count in one fell swoop, Mr Mayhem should consider a temporary name change to see if that breaks the curse. I would hope not, on either count, as these books are too dang funny for that nonsense. Our intrepid Mr Mayhem and his good friend Mr Tanglen are off to South America for some good old fashioned treasure hunting! Seeing as this involves both men, 'nuff said. Use your imagination and some memories of the past books and I believe you understand what is happening here. Kudos Mr Strand and thank you for the great South American treasure hunting trip of Mr Andrew Mayhem! Oh and no urethras were harmed in the experiences of Mr Mayhem and Mr Tanglen.
June 26, 2020
This is book 5 of the Andrew Mayhem series, and I loved it!
Here is a link to my review of the novel for Signal Horizon Magazine: https://signalhorizon.com/book-review...
Here is a link to my review of the novel for Signal Horizon Magazine: https://signalhorizon.com/book-review...
September 6, 2024
Cemetery Closing (Everything Must Go) is my favorite of the five Andrew Mayhem novels, maybe by far. Once again, Andrew and Roger have taken an offer they probably should have refused, this time from an Internet celebrity who would like to help the duo shake their “curse” of bad luck while splitting a rumored treasure with them—if only the group can find it. Things go wrong, as usual. The rainforest is full of snakes, leeches, and cannibals, among other things, and the supposed treasure map is dubious at best.
What makes this one a five-star read is that the author struck the perfect balance between horror and comedy without being gratuitous or going overboard, making Cemetery Closing a standout with its solid plot and pacing. I know. It’s a horro-medy series and I should love tens of pages of in-depth gratuitous dismemberment, but I’m not that kind of horror reader. Usually.
The Andrew Mayhem series joins Tales from the Gas Station as my palate-cleansing go-to when I'm having a book hangover or as an in-between when I commit to reading something really long. Cemetery Closing was a blast, but what am I supposed to do now that Andrew and Roger don’t need to get up to trouble anymore?
What makes this one a five-star read is that the author struck the perfect balance between horror and comedy without being gratuitous or going overboard, making Cemetery Closing a standout with its solid plot and pacing. I know. It’s a horro-medy series and I should love tens of pages of in-depth gratuitous dismemberment, but I’m not that kind of horror reader. Usually.
The Andrew Mayhem series joins Tales from the Gas Station as my palate-cleansing go-to when I'm having a book hangover or as an in-between when I commit to reading something really long. Cemetery Closing was a blast, but what am I supposed to do now that Andrew and Roger don’t need to get up to trouble anymore?
August 7, 2021
If you like this series, you will enjoy this light hearted (to this fan, but newbies may find this pretty dark), yet gory romp in the rain forest. Have to give the author credit, he's given us a variety of backdrops and situations for our two cursed besties.
I was happy with the read and devoured it in one sitting. I was so involved I didn't notice any inconsistencies other reviewers may have mentioned. I was fine with the ending since it sounds like this will be the last book after the 9 year wait between books 4 and 5.
So glad Kindle Unlimited keeps track of what you read because I was racking my brains trying to remember the author or character's name to see if there were more for me to read when I signed up for KU again recently.
I was happy with the read and devoured it in one sitting. I was so involved I didn't notice any inconsistencies other reviewers may have mentioned. I was fine with the ending since it sounds like this will be the last book after the 9 year wait between books 4 and 5.
So glad Kindle Unlimited keeps track of what you read because I was racking my brains trying to remember the author or character's name to see if there were more for me to read when I signed up for KU again recently.
July 6, 2024
This book, ‘Cemetery Closing’ by Jeff Strand looks like a ghost story, so I picked it up. First I was a little surprised, then i got it, thereafter it was a chuckle a page. It’s been ages since I’ve read such a funny, crazy book. It is about two good friends who agree to go through the Amazon forests, looking for a hidden treasure. The proposer is a stranger one of them meets in a pub. So off they go, and more characters are introduced, and join the hunt. Every few pages, I had to stop to laugh, and re-read the concerned part.
So, just saying, it’s not a paranormal , but a group of living, crazy people in search of treasure. Read if you want a bit of fun.
5 Stars
So, just saying, it’s not a paranormal , but a group of living, crazy people in search of treasure. Read if you want a bit of fun.
5 Stars
July 8, 2021
This book was hilarious and I'm sad I am reading #5 in this series instead of reading it in order, but that's ok! At least I'm not stuck in the Amazon with a python wrapped around me, being chased by cannibals or trying not to be shot in the knees by a very bad and possibly psychotic man. Did I just reveal some spoilers? Probably... not?
I am definitely a fan of this author, this is the second book of his that made me laugh out loud and also appreciate a bit of (mostly deserved?) gore.
I am definitely a fan of this author, this is the second book of his that made me laugh out loud and also appreciate a bit of (mostly deserved?) gore.
May 14, 2022
Read this series
Just so very funny, and (as to be expected) so very menacing. No spoilers, so all I can say is tie and gag your partner, shove them in the closet, shut the door (well, no gag, food, water, and a bucket) safe drop your kids for a little, firefighters seem like good folks, then read this series in order, and have the most fun you can possibly have sitting still. Do not miss!
Just so very funny, and (as to be expected) so very menacing. No spoilers, so all I can say is tie and gag your partner, shove them in the closet, shut the door (well, no gag, food, water, and a bucket) safe drop your kids for a little, firefighters seem like good folks, then read this series in order, and have the most fun you can possibly have sitting still. Do not miss!
July 6, 2024
Andrew & Roger join a legitimate treasure hunter with a podcast on an adventure worth millions. Floating down the Amazon and spotting strung up dead bodies has them thrust into another nightmare they weren't bargaining for. More life and death situations with double crosses and tragedy put the two of them fighting for their lives in this fast interesting thriller. Enjoying this series and hope there might be more to come
October 29, 2020
Finish this series with a real Ending
Well I enjoyed the five books in this series including this one I feel you need to end this properly and let us know how everything turn out it feel like you stopped writing before you paid these characters to rest. I will feel I wasted my obvious not very productive time if the author doesn't right another book and the things up.
Well I enjoyed the five books in this series including this one I feel you need to end this properly and let us know how everything turn out it feel like you stopped writing before you paid these characters to rest. I will feel I wasted my obvious not very productive time if the author doesn't right another book and the things up.
April 17, 2022
This one feels slightly off brand as many of the perils by our beloved heroes are from nature and not from psychopaths. Still, It's always great to Andrew and Roger again a nd I like that the children are left largely unharmed in this one. Also it's nice to see them get an unambiguously positive ending.
December 16, 2023
I love this series
I love all of Jeff Strands books
I especially love the Andrew Mayhem books I really wish there were more of them They are funny and gory and just a great way to spend a couple hours. In the end Andrew and Roger finally have some good luck I have read this series several times and will probably read it again
I love all of Jeff Strands books
I especially love the Andrew Mayhem books I really wish there were more of them They are funny and gory and just a great way to spend a couple hours. In the end Andrew and Roger finally have some good luck I have read this series several times and will probably read it again
July 5, 2020
Everything went
Another good entry in the Mayhem series. Fantastic location and change of venue for our lovable loser. I didn't really care for the ending, but it won't stop me from recommending it or wanting more in the series.
Another good entry in the Mayhem series. Fantastic location and change of venue for our lovable loser. I didn't really care for the ending, but it won't stop me from recommending it or wanting more in the series.
August 24, 2020
The long awaited fifth book in the series. Another funny adventure with Andrew Mayhem and Roger. Can't recommend this series highly enough. Hopefully there will be more books, and won't have to wait as long this time.
March 5, 2024
Another fine offering from one of the masters…
You feel as though you’re riding along with these characters as they had enter the hazardous rainforest looking for treasure. Lots of twists and turns – and doubts as to whether or not they will survive.
You feel as though you’re riding along with these characters as they had enter the hazardous rainforest looking for treasure. Lots of twists and turns – and doubts as to whether or not they will survive.
April 29, 2025
I love this series. I love that I can listen to Jeff Strand’s books and absolutely know I will laugh, be horrified, and groan all in one book. This series is so great. I seriously hope this is not the last we hear from these characters. We need more!!!
August 17, 2020
Turns and more turns
These guys have the worst luck EVER! Great story! Mystery and intrigue everywhere, even down to the last amazing sentence!
These guys have the worst luck EVER! Great story! Mystery and intrigue everywhere, even down to the last amazing sentence!
October 9, 2020
Excellent!
Bloody, gory, funny and witty! I absolutely adored that series! That author is my new discovery and you bet I'll read all his books!
Bloody, gory, funny and witty! I absolutely adored that series! That author is my new discovery and you bet I'll read all his books!
January 14, 2021
Review coming soon.
July 22, 2021
Is This The End?
Is this really the last we'll see of Andrew Mayhem and Roger Tanglen? I sincerely hope not. These guys are a freaking laugh riot!
Is this really the last we'll see of Andrew Mayhem and Roger Tanglen? I sincerely hope not. These guys are a freaking laugh riot!
September 9, 2021
Title was a bit misleading.
March 24, 2022
Couldn’t get into this one as much as the others. Still a good read though
November 16, 2022
Another great (& maybe final?) entry in the Andrew Mayhem series!
Hoping there's more to come, appreciate the wit & saracasm.
Hoping there's more to come, appreciate the wit & saracasm.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews