The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making

by Jared Yates Sexton

Based on the provocative and popular  New York Times  op-ed, this memoir alternates between the examination of a working-class upbringing and a cultural analysis of the historical, psychological, and sociological sources that make up the roots of toxic masculinity and its impact on society. As progressivism changes American society, and globalism shifts labor away from traditional manufacturing, the roles that have been prescribed to men since the Industrial Revolution have been rendered obsolete. Donald Trump's campaign successfully leveraged male resentment and entitlement, and now, with Trump as president and the rise of the #MeToo movement, it’s clear that our current definitions of masculinity are outdated and even dangerous. Deeply personal and thoroughly researched, the author of  The People Are Going to Rise Like the Waters Upon Your Shore  has turned his keen eye to our current crisis of masculinity using his upbringing in rural Indiana to examine the personal and societal dangers of the patriarchy. The Man They Wanted Me to Be  examines how we teach boys what’s expected of men in America, and the long-term effects of that socialization―which include depression, shorter lives, misogyny, and suicide. Sexton turns his keen eye to the establishment of the racist patriarchal structure which has favored white men, and investigates the personal and societal dangers of such outdated definitions of manhood. "By carefully and soberly examining his own story, Sexton deconstructs American life and gives many examples of how pervasive toxic masculinity is in our culture." ―Henry Rollins,  Los Angeles Times "This book is critically important to our historical moment . . . Crackles with intensity and absolutely refuses to allow the reader to look away for even a moment from the blight that toxic masculinity in America has wrought." ―Nicholas Cannariato, NPR

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Memoir, Gender, Psychology, Sociology, Politics

254 pages, Paperback

First published May 7, 2019

About the author

Jared Yates Sexton is a born-and-bred Hoosier living and working in The South as an Assistant Professor of Creative Writing at Georgia Southern University. His work has appeared in publications around the world and his first short story collection, An End To All Things, is available from Atticus Books. His latest book, The Hook and The Haymaker, was released by Split Lip Press in January 2015. For more information and a select list of publications, please visit the author's website at www.jysexton.com. For more information on Split Lip Press, please visit www.splitlippress.com.

Reviews

[Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential book for destroying the patriarchy and creating better men for us all. In The Man They Wanted Me to Be, Jared Yates Sexton writes about his and his family's experience of toxic masculinity, the research showing toxic masculinity's negative health and relational consequences, and how toxic masculinity contributes to Trump and the rise of the alt-right. I loved how Sexton shares his personal story with us, how he started out as a soft, sensitive child and hardened after experiencing abuse and problematic masculine role models, outside of his mother and grandfather. Through his sharing in this book, Sexton emulates how more men, especially white men, should act: confronting our trauma with self-compassion while owning up to the ways we perpetuate misogyny and other forms of oppression. I appreciated how he wrote about going to therapy and the courage it takes to seek help.

Sexton also does a splendid job incorporating research about masculinity throughout this book. He does so in a way that adds context and builds to the narrative instead of distracting from it. He writes about how boys are socialized to repress emotions instead of anger, to devalue anything that is perceived as "feminine," and to enact aggression and violence to prove their masculinity. As exemplified by his father's story, Sexton links this socialization to how men often do not seek help for their health issues later on in life, leading to their earlier deaths compared to women. Throughout The Man They Wanted Me to Be, Sexton also makes clear men's culpability in carrying out mass shootings and other acts of devastating violence.

Overall, I would highly recommend this book to everyone, especially men and to those interested in masculinity and feminism. This book feels like an important addition to the iconic The Will to Change by bell hooks. Indeed, we do need more men, especially white men, owning up to our complicity in toxic masculinity and showing how we can change it for the better. I will note that I wish Sexton had touched on how hegemonic white male masculinity often traps men of color, queer men, men at the intersection of those identities and more, etc. in its lethal grasp. I also wish Sexton had qualified his idea in the last section of the book that the answer to these issues includes showing men love. While I agree with the importance of showing men love, those harmed by men (e.g., femmes, women of color) should not have to bear the burden of making men better, a point to which I think Sexton agrees. Still, a fantastic read I hope people will pick up in 2019 and beyond.

[☘Misericordia☘ ⚡ϟ⚡⛈⚡☁ ❇️❤❣ · Rating 1 out of 5]

Or, for fuck's sake. People need to get a grip. There is no such thing as toxic masculinity, toxic femininity, toxic heterosexuality or toxic homosexuality or toxic asexuality or any other toxic sex feature!

Nothing of this kind is inherently toxic. It's what people sometimes do with all of it that is toxic. Nothing that some behavioural, cognitive or some other therapy can't address.

People should just stop inventing weird shit and stop shifting blame to patriarchal and/or matriarchal figures. If someone has issues with their dad, mom, president, kid, neighbor or anyone else, they should go to a psychologist and resolve this issue not invent new social constructs.

Society may have some or other reasonable or unreasonable expectations from people according to their gender and pretty much everything. But calling masculinity or femininity toxic is a misnomer. It's not gender that's at fault. It's society and its weird ideas that we see in films, ads, everywhere. It's also our desire to conform to things that are expected from us. Often, we don't know how to be true to ourselves, what we exactly want and how to get there. And that's the real big problem. One that needs to be addressed.

What to do about it? Anarchy would help a fucking lot. Kidding.
People should just screw their brains on straight and stop adhering to weird customs.
You don't want women to be expected to wear high heels, full war paint and every other shit to work? Stop expecting that from them if you are of any sex and don't do it if you are a woman.
You don't want men to be strong and silent types, become more open yourself if you identify male and stop expecting macho-ism from others if you are of any sex.

Not going to finish this drivel. Badly researched, mislabeled and with root cause of real issues replaced with imaginary stuff. Yeah, I know, it's a bio. Well, shoot me, I don't like it when people take their personal issues and try to make them into something else.

For example, at a certain point I worked with a bunch of men who were, well, uneasy about working with a female. And it showed. Just like that. Nothing bad or nasty or whatever but they were being weird, like not calling me in for meetings, not allowing me to participate on calls with them and whenever I would invite myself to any of their meetings that I had business being at, they went on shuffling and then mumbling something along the lines of 'oh no you're not invited bye'. They communicated on their own and I on my own. It was weird, set bad communication patterns and, as one can imagine, did wonders in not improving our efficiency. But then again, fuck it, I saved quite a lot of my time by not listening in to their ramblings and they kept meeting an awful lot of time most of which I'm pretty sure was wasted, since you don't really meet for 2 hours straight and then have zero results to show for it.
I'm not gonna blame their masculinity about it. I'd rather point out that this situation was like that due to their inferior brains (as individuals not as men), slightly less than perfect education, lack of professional adequacy and considerably less than stellar communication skills. Masculinity of theirs, I couldn't care less about it, I wan't (and still am not) interested in this bunch sexually. They could be alien bugs from Alpha Centauri rings and have no sexes whatsoever and still come equipped with those nice thick skulls.

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

First impressions: A more intellectually honest and self aware version of Hillbilly Elegy. I liked it alot!

4+ Stars

Listened to the audio book. The author Jared Yates Sexton was the narrator and was very good.

[Nathan "N.R." Gaddis]

I recommend women buy this book and then quietly place it upon the desk of any man or men in their life, no matter how she might believe that man is immured or not in toxic masculinity. And then serenade him with Born This Way ::
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lga51...

[David Wineberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

American Macho is Toxic

The Man They Wanted Me To Be is a cathartic look at Jared’s Sexton’s life to date (He’s 38). It is a stinging condemnation of working-class white males and their attitudes. They control, berate and beat their wives and children, hate anything that doesn’t smack of white male supremacy, and are self-contained frustration bombs, ready to explode at any time.

Sexton was a chubby, asthmatic and emotional child, which infuriated a series of men – his father and several stepfathers. He was given the ultimate crushing insult: he was “no better than a girl.” His mother bounced from one abusive relationship to another, totally unable to hook up with a reasonable man. Sexton grew up into a poor, alcoholic, frustrated and self-loathing beast of a teen and young adult. In this, he simply followed his role models.

Sexton’s thesis is that the working-class white American male is in an impossible situation. Carrying the burden of being superior, the sole breadwinner and the hardest worker, he can show no emotion or even understanding of anyone else. He is there to be served. He has no time, patience or tolerance for variance in his vision of the perfect society. That society, the American Dream, does not exist for him, making it difficult for him to rationalize his life. Every nibble at his dreamworld – blacks getting educations, women getting equal pay, children going to university, immigrants taking the worst jobs available – all make him dig in and fight. He is open and welcoming to conspiracy theories backing his views of the world. And inevitably, he has come to see Donald Trump as his savior. Sexton says “America is a bastion of patriarchal pitfalls, and consistently reinforces toxic concepts.”

This is called performative masculinity, and in a patriarchal society, these males must be “on” at all times. To miss that goal is to show weakness. It totally prevents any kind of intimacy, with men or even their own wives. In Sexton’s eastern Indiana in the 1980s and 90s, there was nothing else to emulate, it seems. The schoolyard reinforced it. The girls reinforced it. Sports reinforced it. It involved a lot of swearing, racism, sexism, misogyny, posing, slouching and attitude.

It is also actually toxic. In all of the research Sexton conducted for the book, he found men are sicker, die earlier and are lonely and miserable in their self-enforced, controlling solitude. Sexton himself slept with a loaded rifle, ready to use it on himself at any time.

The book is really about three things: Sexton’s life, the insufferable existence of men, and the rise of the alt-right to take advantage of and reinforce it. It is both a confession and a plea for readers to open their eyes. Things are the way they are in America for good reason. And more posturing isn’t going to fix it. If you can see that in the book, it is well worthwhile.

It’s tempting to conclude that white working-class American males are the most gullible, weak and insecure examples of Homo sapiens there can be. They constantly fear for their position of superiority. They are afraid of everyone from their politicians to anyone of a different color, to their own wives and children. They fall for every idiot story that floats past.

But of course, that’s not true. It is rather, true of people in general. Why are we puzzled that young men can be radicalized into joining ISIS by looking at websites, when mass murderer Dylan Roof self-radicalized the exact same way, except it was White Supremacy instead of ISIS? Why is Make America Great Again a genuine threat to the very existence of the USA? Sexton shows how it can be, through toxic masculinity. It leads to the breakdown of self-respect, of respect for others, of the family and ultimately of the nation, as the frustration of the isolated white male becomes the front burner issue.

The key to the violence, Sexton concludes, is simple shame. Embarrassed by their own lack of humanity and success, men lash out. It is part of the contradiction that makes their lives impossible to live. It took his own father 59 years to realize it, admit it, reject it, and try to humanize himself. Just as he was getting a handle on it, he died, because part of toxic masculinity is never seeing a doctor.

I learned this violence syndrome years ago in the story of freed slaves, deported to Liberia in the mid 1800s. Instead of using their new-found freedom to work with the native Liberians, they beat them into submission, kept them out of the better jobs and schooling, and perpetuated the generations of vicious lessons of the American South. As one ex-slave put it in an extraordinary admission: "How true it is, the greater the injury done to the injured, the greater the hatred of those who have done the injury!"

David Wineberg

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

What's frustrating is the people who most need to read this, and would benefit from it, almost certainly won't.

[Jessica Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the mother of a baby boy being raised into a world of Donald Trumps and Brett Kavanaughs, I feel a deep sense of responsibility to raise him right, and to me that means ensuring that he rejects toxic masculinity, both for his own good and for the good of everyone in his life.

These days we see toxic masculinity everywhere: in the abundance of mass shootings that plague our country, the rise of “incels” and the alt-right, and—most notably—in the election of our current president, “the personification of white American masculinity.”

For Jared Yates Sexton, the issue is personal, growing up with a series of abusive father figures in blue collar America. In this timely book, he combines his own stories and memories with incisive cultural analysis and critique aimed at deconstructing the insidious lie of white patriarchal masculinity.

Tasked with the insurmountable goal of living up to the traditional ideal of masculinity, men are doomed to fall short, causing them to overcompensate in harmful ways. They often suffer in silence—resistant to expressing “feminine” emotions like sadness and tenderness—and then inflict suffering on everyone around them via “acceptable” outlets such as anger and aggression.

Yates connects the dots in ways that make perfect sense but that I hadn’t before been able to articulate, linking toxic masculinity with everything from capitalism to military/hero worship to men’s health.

He shows how even the most self-aware men (such as himself) can get caught up in the web of toxic masculinity, bound by traditional social constructs and antiquated ideals that are hard to overcome. And, on the other hand, how even the most toxically masculine men (such as his father) can come out on the other side.

[Jose · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm sympathetic to his viewpoint. But really this is mostly a memoir of the various ways the author and most of the men he knows are toxic in their masculinity. I think books like this are a little tricky, using your own personal experience as a paragon for commenting on global ills can sometimes read as being fraught with over-generalizations.

[Jarrett Neal · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid, if uneven and diffuse book. If you're like me--a non-white, non-straight, highy-educated person living in Western culture--you are not the target audience for this book. Pretty much ninety-five percent of what Jared Yates Sexton conveys in The Man They Wanted Me to Be is well-known to those of us who don't classify as SWGs (straight white guys). After the election of Trump, the details of this book are pretty much wallpaper to our angry, traumatized minds. But redundancy, in this case, is not a bad thing. Sexton, as someone who, whether he likes it or not, belongs to this group but definitely is not of this group or a champion of its poisonous ethos, intends this book for the men like him who, as he points out, are destroying the nation, the culture, democracy, and themselves. Sexton is trying to save his brethren so he can, in his own way, save the culture.

The Man They Wanted Me to Be does some good work. In this slim book, Sexton gives readers a gadfly's view into the countless torments he faced throughout his life as a SWG who, for various reasons, just didn't fit the mold of traditional masculinity, what many people now rightly refer to as toxic masculinity. I can relate. Though there are only slight modifications, black men, and men of other races and ethnicities, are forced to endure the same tests and trauma. Witnessing a succession of losers, including his own father, abuse his mother and him made Sexton the prime author of a text that critiques the tenets, challenges, and grizzly permutations of modern manhood within a zeitgeist of feminism, civil rights, queer rebellion, and immigration debates that take a power drill to the very foundations of traditional Western masculinity.

Sexton notably points to the ways men in America born and raised after World War Two succumbed to the propagandistic myths of manhood funneled down to them through cinema (I love his critique of Patton, both the Academy Award-winning film and the man), risky sex, combat sports, misogyny, conspiracy theories, and opportunistic politicians. Sexton knows his target audience and he's not afraid to call them and their forebears out on the heinous crap they've done--like voting for Trump--that have widespread ramifications for men and women around the globe. The most satisfying section of the book for me was the final chapters where Sexton takes morons like Alex Jones and Jordan Peterson to task, exposing them for the hucksters they truly are. I applaud Sexton for that.

Yet the book is not without flaws. Technically, The Man They Wanted Me to Be is not a smooth, cohesive book. Frankly, it's disjointed. Sexton is trying hard to blend memoir, sociology, history, politics, and current events in this book. Yet the result is a stew that, while nourishing, isn't particularly toothsome. While he never lacks conviction, passion, or authority, Sexton falters in his book's presentation. If he could have found a way to be more fluid, to organize this book in a way that elevated it, this would have been an exceptional expose', one to partner Hillbilly Elegy, the new de facto book on poor Caucasians and their myriad socioeconomic struggles and resulting prejudices. However, I felt this book aimed low, giving informed readers like me material we were already well aware of. I found the writing neutral and unpolished, yet I think that's what Sexton was aiming for. He knows that the audience he needs to reach, those die hard Trumpers, won't cotton to high-falutin academic speak or SAT words. They want real stories, plain talk, and an SWG like him to give this book to them without frills, stats, or BS. I applaud Sexton for writing specifically to his audience, but I wish he had done a little bit more for woke folks like me. Still, you can't have everything, and Sexton's book succeeds if only in its raw punch-to-the-gut honesty.

[Tammy V · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got the book from the library for the "Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis o OUr Own Making" (not kindle). That part was covered in the first and last chapters. The whole middle was an autobiography.

Let me say that my review is colored by having been in a battering relationship for 17 years (17 - 34).
I have little sympathy for mother's who keep their kids in this kind of danger. His mother's first marriage (from whence he came) and her 2nd (was their a third? I can't remember now because the book focused on the males not the females) were to violent men. Mine never touched the kids (that would not have been smart on his part), but when he broke my eye and my daughter didn't even ask about it, I knew I was teaching her about marriage. And my son, too. And I left (which is a process). Interesting to me is my leaving was about the same time as he was experiencing all this as a child. He is a year younger than my own son.

He was from the midwest, I was from the east coast. I had to dig, but I did find support, including police support. Since 10 years later when I was working with triage in a southern maryland community where the police were always sure "she asked for it," I understand that part. But staying when her kid was being beat and belittled, I don't understand.

As it is, he seems his whole life to have wanted the approval of his abusive birth dad. In the end he reconciled, initially through the author's getting blind drunk all the time and sharing that with his birth father who became interested. I would have told the SOB to go jump in a lake.

The author mentions in passing that his own relationships couldn't hold but does not go into it.

Hurt people hurt. This is not new information. They also can stand up and say "stop" and get off the wheel of disfunction.

So when he says, toward the end of the book, "If your husband, father, brother cousin or firend is one of those people who either inexorably believes in traditional masucliity or struggles with it from time to time, if you feel safe doing so, carefully remind them that it's okay if they aren't always the stoic patriarch." So much wrong with that sentence. It not a woman or a child's responsibility to heal an abuser. If another male wants to take it on, so be it. But that is not clear in the sentence.

I think I am the wrong demographic for this book because reading it as a woman in a toxic relationship I would see way too many wrong cures like how being hurt made them that way, for instance, which would just hook my co-dependent side.

He should have made it clear that the book was for men, because it has nothing helpful to women caught in this mess. Especially the part where he says "to show them [the abusers] empathy and love, both of which serve as contradictions to the extremists' belief that they are endangered and live in a world bereft of care." Doesn't work. I know that experientially.

Interesting to read his side of he whole thing, but don't if you are currently in a battering/abusive/co-dependent relationship with one of these "fragile" [his word] men.

[Andy · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Man They Wanted Me to Be is one of the most critical works of non-fiction to come out this year, and it should be required reading for every American male.

Mr. Sexton articulately captures the root problem for so many issues that plague society today: American culture has created a mythical masculinity that is unobtainable, and men will step over everyone and everything in pursuit of this unreachable standard. Throughout his book, Sexton details his own experiences growing up in a culture rooted in this toxic masculinity, and how his own inability to measure up to this absurd standard fueled a deep depression. It's only appropriate that in doing so, Mr. Sexton allows himself to be vulnerable; the inability to make oneself vulnerable, he argues, is one of the most harmful attributes of toxic masculinity. I suspect that a lot of men will be able to see themselves in Mr. Sexton's experiences.

Although Sexton specifically describes the experiences of growing up in a White culture, readers from outside culture will be able to see identify with many of these issues--being a Hispanic male from a culture rooted in "machismo," I felt as though the two cultures were looking up against each other in a mirror.

I could not put this book down. Every man should read this book.

[Leah Angstman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I went into this book a little skeptical on the subject matter being told from a white male perspective, but I came out of it believing that we might be able to make better men and to change the culture that is so ingrained in the clay of this country; really, who better to talk to white men than a white man? This book is universal and personal, sad and hopeful, honest and self-aware, beautiful and harsh. I want to slip it casually onto my brother's nightstand, but he hasn't read a book since Hatchet in middle school. (Which seems ... a fitting accidental metaphor, in retrospect.) Being of the same cloth and place and time and generation as the author, I get all the feels from this book, and it should be required reading.

If you have a young son, please read it. If you have an older son, please give it to him. If you have a father who doesn't communicate kindly, please gift this book. If you are a man, please read it. If you are on the brink of a break-up or divorce that will involve young children, please read this book. The choices we make in the presence of others (and especially loved ones) when we are at our angriest or our most hurt or our most vulnerable or our most scared, are the choices that will change lives on both sides for better or worse. We can choose not to make them worse.

[Alex Kudera · Rating 4 out of 5]

The strength of the book lies in the touching and meaningful memoir sections.

[Lars Meijer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lezen, lezen, lezen.

*4,5

[Joshua · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jared Yates Sexton does a hauntingly good job at telling us his story coupled along with research on masculinity. His honesty and empathy make this book captivating.


“Society and culture have been molded to fit the whims of men and perpetuate the lie of gender, and it requires constant work and exhaustive effort to look between the lines and understand the energies that influence behavior. Beginning to tackle my own shortcomings was a start, but the fight’s never over because, for men, it’s the simplest thing in the word to sit back and watch the patriarchy work in your favor. That privilege is strong and to our benefit, but it comes with great cost. It harms ourselves and the people we love, holds society back from its true potential, and, in many cases, destroys us.”

[Katie Gainey-West · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was magnificent! I could have devoured this in one sitting and actually had to convince myself to slow down so I could enjoy it for a few more days. This book provided countless facts and examples of toxic masculinity in our culture and at times also served as a memoir. I especially appreciate that Jared gave women so much credit and expressed the importance of women in our society. I will be sharing this book with all the men in my life. Jared did a spectacular job with this book.

[ash | songsforafuturepoet · Rating 3 out of 5]

A rather interesting book for me personally - coming from the other end of the world and being a queer Chinese woman who has never stepped foot in the deep South of America, while I knew about the far right movement and kept up to date with US politics I know I am very far removed from knowing personal stories from these people and their families. I understand that toxic masculinity is harmful for men but to fully be immersed in Sexton's life is eye-opening. I appreciate his bravery in sharing his suicide attempt, eating disorder, and relationship with his father.

Sexton's biography is a sincere and heartfelt attempt at understanding how the patriarchy impacted his life and his relationship with his father. He has done his research on toxic masculinity and has demonstrated association to the usual ills such as high suicide rates, interpersonal violence, misogyny, eating disorders in men, and more. However, his presentation on this topic is a little uneven and it leaves me wondering who his audience is. The book rather assumes that the audience is largely familiar with the phrase. Considering that there's been an increase in chatter about this, might not be a wrong assumption, but I wonder how common this is uttered in far right circles amongst older people (which are the people featured in the bio). He doesn't fully tie toxic masculinity to its patriarchal roots, making the concept rather detached and undefined. As a result, it seems like he's generalising his experience to a larger phenomenon. It feels like this book could have reached the audience who needs to read this but it falls slightly short of that.

Then again, sharing his experience is powerful on its own anyway and I think this perspective needed to be shared. It gave me a bit more perspective to the other side of the world.

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though Sexton published this book in 2019 and discusses Trump’s first presidential campaign in 2016, it (somewhat sadly) still rings true for the current age and political climate. He defines gender and masculinity in a myriad of ways I hadn’t previously considered, especially the concept that the very idea of empathy has become gendered and anti-masculine in a society dominated by a white, cisgender patriarchy.

I appreciated that Sexton acknowledges the privileges afforded to him as a white male in America and casts the blame for a culture of toxic masculinity on the greater community, rather than forcing responsibility on individuals. More importantly, he links the fragility of masculinity to a collective internal defect. “The problem isn’t immigrants seeking a better life. The problem isn’t minorities fighting for fairness. The problem isn’t women struggling for equal footing. The problem has always been men, trying to hold [themselves] down.”

He concludes the book with a note of hopefulness for future generations, particularly millennials who don’t force themselves to live within the “limited truths” that older men have been forced to occupy. I, for one, am more hopeful simply because this book exists for future generations. Though I borrowed the e-version from the library, I ended up purchasing a hard copy because I know it’s a book I’ll want to reference again and pass along.

[Peter Colclasure · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Book I Wanted This To Be

I expected this to be a work of social psychology, and discovered instead that it's primarily a memoir. I was expecting Dan Ariely, and I got Jennette Walls (with a penis). That's okay. It's a good memoir. One that I can relate to, somewhat, having grown up in the rural Midwest. However, his corner of rural Indiana seemed ideologically extreme compared to my Wisconsin hometown, which had an even split between liberals and conservatives. Growing up, I recall plenty of people who valued education, kindness, and empathy, but I also knew some like his family, where the men were stoic and emotionally repressed and perceived anything artistic or creative as weak.

When the book did veer into social psychology and history (which was often), it painted in broad strokes, a bit carelessly at times. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that toxic masculinity is a thing—I'm buying what this book is selling—but some of the author's claims seem specious. For instance, that the Civil War changed our conception of masculinity, and before that men weren't seen as breadwinners or providers, and our current plague of toxic masculinity can be traced back 150 years to this sea change. Um? I'm pretty sure the traditional concept of masculinity, with all its toxic elements included, goes back further than the Civil War. The Viking Sagas seem pretty toxic to me.

On Trump's America:

They're justified in feeling that something has changed. The world really is transforming around them, and with those changes their advantages are rapidly evaporating. Industry is giving way to a new economy that favors creativity and communication while rewarding empathy and education, which men are taught to oppose. The future is geared for so-called feminine values, and the education and the democratization of mass culture does mean that minorities who have been held back in the past are now realizing more social and economic potential.

The truth is, the very people who claimed to help men have failed them. Conservatives have won elections by appealing to traditional values and have left working and middle-class men in the lurch by not preparing them for the economic future. The goal was always in cementing the past in the present instead of planning for the future. Republicans lied to men by telling them their factories were coming back. They lied to them by telling them the mines they worked in were going to be reopened. They told them to resist even the most commonsense gun control as their children were murdered in their classrooms. They told them to hate higher learning when all the studies and all the books told the same story: the times were changing and you'd better change with them.

Even more tragically, change has always been in their best interest. The occupations they cling to so desperately—the factory jobs, the mining jobs, the manual labor jobs—were awful in the first place. Men who toil in these careers are underpaid and miserable. They suffer horrific injuries, die prematurely, and are exploited by companies that hardly ever reward their labor or loyalty. But men have long fallen for the great myth of American capitalism. They strive to make it and when they fail they find solace, no matter how dismal, in their pursuit and their work.

They've been tricked, and to admit now that the lie isn't real, after generations of buying into it and basing their identities on a fraudulent and faulty worldview, would be one of the greatest emasculations ever.

On millenials:

Much of the critique of millennials revolves around accusations of being soft or too emotional, but in truth it's a resentment that we haven't been able to fully explore ourselves without feeling the pressure of society. Because millennials have largely avoided those old pressures, they intuitively understand persona. One morning they can wear sparkling cat ears and the next they might dress up as a lumberjack, and they can be whoever they want or whoever they were born to be without fear of reprisal or rejection. They don't suppress their sexuality or expression of gender like so many of us have in the past.

[James · Rating 2 out of 5]

Well...it's a slog and no mistake. I respect that the author had a very difficult upbringing and the lessons that he took from it about men were come by honestly.

Still...I don't believe in toxic masculinity. It's just jargon to describe the effects of poverty, substance abuse, PTSD/depression, and other factors on men vs how they influence women. It's kind of silly to label any inherent trait as toxic.

The switch from talking about sociology to politics also tried my patience. Again, poverty and a lack of education, not masculinity. In my opinion.

Overall, there's much better, much more even-handed writing on gender out there without the scapegoating...which probably came from the author's undeniably traumatic childhood.

Nevertheless. I'd recommend Thomas Page McBee's work over this guy's any day.

[Emily✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

[F]or men, it’s the simplest thing in the world to sit back and watch the patriarchy work in your favor. That privilege is strong and to our benefit, but it comes with great cost. It harms ourselves and the people we love, holds society back from its true potential, and, in many cases, destroys us. (185)

Jared Yates Sexton was born and raised in Indiana factory towns, by a line of men (his father and stepfathers) who viewed him as "soft" and "not quite right." Riddled with anxiety and depression from an abusive and traumatic childhood, Sexton succumbed to the consequences of toxic masculinity when he reached young adulthood-- reinventing himself as a "man's man" and shoving his emotions and vulnerability behind a performative wall of toughness and false strength. Suffering from eating disorders and suicidal ideation, he finally sought the help of a therapist and continues to confront and struggle with the effects of patriarchy on his psyche. With this background, he is in the perfect place to understand--but not be taken in by--the rhetoric of Trump's presidential campaign and administration and the rise of the alt-right, both of which are reinforced by misogyny, racism, and homophobia.

The structured and reliable existence men like my father and stepfathers had come to depend on is disappearing by the day and the realization that the world is changing is exerting massive amounts of pressure on these men, all of whom are already fragile in their masculinity and aggrieved in their entitlement. […M]en [are] refusing to come to terms with their situation because to be a white man in America is to expect everything to already be on your terms. (29)

Sexton neatly intersperses his memoir with facts and figures about masculinity and patriarchy, using his personal anecdotes as supporting examples for wider societal trends. While I think he could have integrated more about queer men and men of color, overall I found his analyses to be well-supported and interesting. He broached topics like rape culture and domestic abuse, homophobia as an example of railing against "gender traitors," idolization 0f stoic war heroes and penalization of veterans in need, xenophobia and racism, mental health including the history of our understanding of PTSD, class and labor, and much more. For an academic approach to toxic masculinity that is tempered by a insider's personal narrative that keeps it from being too dry or dense, I highly recommend The Man They Wanted Me to Be.

[I] realized, for the first time, that the masculinity I’d sought, the masculinity I’d been denied, had always been an impossibility. Deep down, I realized that masculinity, as I knew it, as it was presented to me, was a lie. (8)

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW!
Jared Sexton had one very difficult life. This book will make you think and (unfortunately) churn your stomach. If the chance ever presents itself to see Jared live again, I want to go. What respect I have for this man.
Thank you Jared for opening my tired (old) eyes with fresh perspective.

[Tyler Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sexton's approach to modern day toxic masculinity in America consists of personal stories through a feminist and phenomenological lens. These stories contain emotional and physical abuse, struggles with disordered eating habits, and suicide attempts. IF YOU ARE IN A PLACE WHERE THOSE STORIES CAN TRIGGER DANGEROUS BEHAVIORS, PLEASE AVOID THIS BOOK FOR NOW. While the narrative is often specific to the authors experience, he does draw conclusions that most men can relate to. This book taught me that the boy that I was wasn't alone. He wasn't alone when he grew angry at sexist standards that affected his sister and friends, or when he felt shame for not meeting the unattainable standards of manhood. He wasn't alone when he felt powerless against racial divides which sought to tear down his friends and classmates, or when he had a distaste for sports. He wasn't alone.

This message is powerful and Sexton applies it on the individual, social, and political level. While this book does offer tools to dismantle the patriarchy; it mainly acts as a raw exploration of loneliness, shame, and pain that can unite us to work at being a people whose inclusion creates and nurtures society as a whole.

[Jocelyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a vital, important, potentially world-changing book I want everyone I know to read. How to write a book that will be read by the people who desperately need it because an identity is doing them harm but might be resistant to its message because to admit such harm would be a threat to that identity? Be from inside that world and write it as a sneaky half-memoir. Yates, brought up in a blue-collar family in Indiana, writes about the problems with (primarily) straight white American masculinity in a way that I think has the potential to reach men who would immediately dismiss a book more explicitly scholarly or more directly titled. The strength of Yates' work here is that it has no easy answers; he is not on some other side; he admits he is still struggling with the messages and meanings with which he was enculturated in his youth, but makes it clear that the struggle is worthwhile, has led him to a richer life, and has the potential to do the same for others. Everyone who has white men in their life should read this...and then leave it strategically lying around.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

While this book held my interest, I had expected a feminist piece with more concrete findings. Instead, this reads almost like a memoir. All but the last chapter are filled entirely with the author's own personal anecdotes of grappling with toxic masculinity. Which is interesting, but not exactly what I was looking for. It may be a better read for people who are unfamiliar with truly toxically masculine people. As someone whose male family members have pretty intense toxic pedigrees (murdering their wives, murdering other people, being blatantly racist, family reunions resulting in all-out brawls, etc...) this felt straightforward and kind of boring.

I'd recommend it to people, especially cis men, who struggle with understanding toxic masculinity. Or people who want to understand the far right more.

[Tamara D · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book traces Sexton’s life in small town Indiana, raised by his mother and a string of men who exhibit their masculinity with violence, bullying, anger. And Sexton explains why, which is the heart of his book. Having grown up in a similar environment, I can verify that he knows what he’s talking about.
Although the first part of the book is a bit disjointed, stay for the last few chapters as they are excellent and give superb context into the current political and social environment. Highly recommend.

[Kap · Rating 5 out of 5]

More memoir than I expected, but even so, I thought Sexton did a great job of using his own life and experiences to frame his in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity.

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A memoir that uses parts of the author’s lived experiences to illustrate how societal standards of masculinity are harmful to us all. While I have been critical of patriarchy and the gender binary for a long time, there was still a lot to process here and a lot to think about regarding my own experiences with gender and the men and women in my life who pushed their ideas of that onto me. We all would benefit greatly from the kind of reflection and deep exploration that Jared does here. It’s a shame that the men who most need this book will probably not read it because of flashpoint culture war words like “toxic masculinity” and “patriarchy” and the much maligned idea that feminism is for everyone. Toxic masculinity is a real construct of masculinity, it’s just not what most people think it is. It’s not saying that masculinity in and of itself is toxic, but that the idea of a masculinity with traits in opposition to femininity, that enforces a code of what “being a real man is”, and that violently polices those who fail to achieve the gender expectations thrust upon them, is harmful to us all.

[Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every now and then I read a book that leaves me saying, “Yeah! That’s it! That’s exactly right.” This is one of those.

Jared Sexton puts into words exactly the things I’ve seen unfold around me my entire life. I struggled with it for a while when I was young, eventually more-or-less saw it for what it was and walked away from it. Of course, I never got rid of it completely. That stuff has real clinging power. I expect that I'll be scraping it off my shoes for a long time to come.

Misguided, wrong-headed masculinity makes strength look like weakness and weakness look like strength. It will make you dumber and might just ruin your life.

This book describes a very American version of toxic masculinity (racism and gun-culture included) but the truth is that the United States neither invented it nor has a monopoly on it. It’s been blighting lives for thousands of years in countless cultures across the world. It’s one of those ideas that deserves to die sooner rather than later.

This one hit the nail on the head.

[Andrew Eder · Rating 4 out of 5]

Part memoir, part theory, part commentary. I really really loved listening to this!! It brings in how toxic masculinity permeates sooooo many parts of history and daily life. I really found this to have the perfect balance of story vs data. Really strong writing!!