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Fatherhood - What It Is And What It's For
There are enough books about how to be a good father to fill a bloke's shed. This book is different.
This book goes back to the drawing board—the Bible—and answers the question: what is a father anyway? And the answer will give dads a whole new way to think about their role and what they are trying to do.
But it's not a book of 'theory'. Drawing on his years of experience as a father of five, Tony Payne provides bucket loads of practical wisdom and advice. Fatherhood will, without doubt, become the classic book on the subject and is essential reading for all fathers, prospective fathers, and anyone who thinks fatherhood is important.
This book goes back to the drawing board—the Bible—and answers the question: what is a father anyway? And the answer will give dads a whole new way to think about their role and what they are trying to do.
But it's not a book of 'theory'. Drawing on his years of experience as a father of five, Tony Payne provides bucket loads of practical wisdom and advice. Fatherhood will, without doubt, become the classic book on the subject and is essential reading for all fathers, prospective fathers, and anyone who thinks fatherhood is important.
180 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2004
8 people are currently reading
48 people want to read
About the author
Tony Payne
77 books22 followersTony Payne began work as Matthias Media’s first editor in 1988. Since then, Tony has been a busy guy: with his wife, Alison, he has grown a family of five children; he has completed a degree in theology at Moore Theological College; and he has written or co-written numerous ministry resources, and edited many others. Tony’s main responsibilities are to oversee everything we publish (including The Briefing), and to get as much writing done as possible.
Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
May 26, 2020
Excellent book on fatherhood. The first half of the book is primarily theological, seeking to answer the question, "What is fatherhood?" According to Payne, the father is a life-giver who has both responsibility for, and authority over those to whom he has given life. Payne spends a couple of chapters explaining the nature of the father's authority. The authority of a father is to be expresses in love, by making wise decisions, by initiating, and by disciplining and teaching.
The second half of the book is extremely practical. Payne begins by unpacking the gospel and then laying out its practical application to fatherhood. The later chapters on what it means for a father to be a disciple and what it means for him to bring his children along with him were worth the price of the book.
I highly recommend this book and plan to use it in discipling fathers.
The second half of the book is extremely practical. Payne begins by unpacking the gospel and then laying out its practical application to fatherhood. The later chapters on what it means for a father to be a disciple and what it means for him to bring his children along with him were worth the price of the book.
I highly recommend this book and plan to use it in discipling fathers.
September 2, 2020
3.5 stars
September 9, 2020
This is a very helpful book. In the first half, Tony Payne defines what Fatherhood is from the Bible. Fathers are a powerful life-giver to their family. They are a loving and faithful sustainer of that life. They are a leader and decision-maker, who exercise authority in order to fulfil their responsibilities. In the second half, Tony Payne argues (again from the Bible) that fathers have two key related purposes in life. Firstly, their purpose is to repent and follow Christ, saying 'No' to themselves and to their sin and continuing bravely down the road to Heaven. Their other main goal is take their family with them. In other words, the meaning of life is to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and to make disciples of Jesus Christ. It will be hard but it will lead to glory. That is what true Fatherhood is all about.
June 16, 2025
This is an excellent book on fatherhood. It sticks close to scripture, makes a few simple points clearly, and packs a real punch.
Tony Payne seeks to answer two questions that are right up front in the subtitle:
- What is fatherhood?
- What is the purpose of fatherhood?
In outlining what fatherhood is, Payne recognises that this question has become increasingly confused in our day in the West. With refreshing honesty, he says, "You and I both know that it's tough. It's demanding and tiring and infuriating, as well as being just about the best thing most of us have ever done. And do we feel like we do a good job - no, make that an adequate job? I haven't met many dads who feel confident to say they do." He also helpfully points out that the "mental game" is where the majority of fathering takes place, "Becoming a good father is not about learning five practical handy techniques that can be pulled out of the kitbag whenever they're needed. It's a mind game. It's about having a set of attitudes and ideas that shape what you do in the thousands of different situations you find yourself in as a dad...our actions are shaped and driven by our mind, by the core beliefs, assumptions and rules of thumb that we've acquired over the years."
The rest of the first part of the book is spent teasing out the core beliefs and truths about fatherhood:
- Fathers are the prime creators of our children; they are the fruit of our bodies. In other words, we made them, gave them life, and they are ours.
- As creators, we have responsibility for our children, and are to be committed to our kids and to caring for, nurturing and loving them. One practical outworking of this is that we shouldn't act the hero when we're just doing our job. Ouch!
- Fathers have authority over their children. This is the right and power to make decisions and to call forth action in others in fulfilment of our responsibility. The basis of this is the two points above, the fact that fathers are creators with primary responsibility for their children, to pursue their well-being. Authority is given to fulfil this responsibility, and this is given not for fathers to serve their interests but for the benefit of our wives and children.
Payne then spends some time outlining what it means in practice to be an authoritative leader in our families, considering how we express our authority and how our authority should be received. On the first point, our authority is to be expressed in love (not bossy, selfish brutishness), by making good decisions when we need to (not all decisions, or none), by taking the initiative (being proactive in pursuing our families good, not just reactive when things go wrong), and in disciplining and teaching our children. I found the third of these most convicting, especially when Payne exhorts us to be taking the initiative and "not just sitting back and letting it all wash over you, and only stirring yourself to action when something is wrong or when your wife complains loudly enough." On the second point, he concludes briefly that, "Just as honour and obedience and reflect are due to our heavenly father because he created all things, and in his faithful goodness sustains all things, so human fathers are also with of honour, thanks and obedience from their children. The authority of fathers should be received gratefully, respectfully and with honour."
He closes the first section of the book by examining the two dominant styles of fatherhood, which he calls the captain and the nice guy. Unsurprisingly, the best path is to be found in balancing the two, a model we see in God's fatherhood in scripture. Payne memorably describes this as a "wonderful picture of God's kindness and patience towards his wayward people. It's the perfect combination of severity and compassion, of awe-inspiring authority and oceanic mercy. We could do no better in our quest for a 'style' than to meditate on the character of God, our heavenly Father, and see how in him justice and mercy meet, and power is mixed with gentleness." This ensures that we avoid self-centred oppressiveness on the one hand, and sentimental ineffectiveness on the other.
In the second half of the book, Payne outlines the purpose of fatherhood. He begins by answering a more foundational question: What is the purpose of life? He answers that "it's for everything in heaven and on earth to be united or gathered together in Christ. It's for him to be Lord of everything, to fix everything, to complete everything. Instead of us being sinners and enemies of God, we may be forgiven and reconciled to him. Instead of being divided from each other and hating each other, we can be united together as fellow subjects and servants of Jesus Christ, who love him and each other...the purpose for which God made us - the destiny towards which all of us are heading - is to submit to Jesus Christ, and top be reconciled through him with God our Father. Christ is the one who gives meaning to history, to our individual lives, and to the lives of our kids. Your destiny, and your family's destiny, is to be found in him, in the man who died and rose and is now the ruler of all things...The fact of the Lordship of Jesus Christ, and God's purpose to unite all things under him, means that our lives have a purpose. Our lives have a direction, a goal, a destiny, which affects everything, including fatherhood."
As he continues, this is a call to discipleship: "Here is the purpose, goal and destiny of our lives as humans, as men, as fathers. It is to be a disciple of Jesus: to live for him and die for him, "to let all the parts of our life strive towards him as our only rightful goal." This is what gives meaning to the chaos and absurdity and unpredictability and boredom and hardship and suffering of life, as well as to its pleasures and joys. It all has a purpose and a goal, because it's all part of our daily self-denying, cross-bearing journey of discipleship." This means that our life and destiny, and that of our children, do not lie in ourselves and our goals, purposes and aspirations but in God. It also means that the family itself isn't the ultimate purpose of life, and we should avoid the all too common pitfall of effectively worshipping our children or family life. Denying ourselves and following Christ will undoubtedly mean suffering in this world, but it is ultimately the path of freedom and glory.
In looking even more specifically at fatherhood, Payne explains that our purpose as fathers is not only to be a disciple but to make disciples - to take our families with us. This means that we need to ask probing and honest questions of ourselves and what we want for our children - their worldly comfort or their holiness? And which has priority? Particularly for us comfortable westerners, this should give us pause for thought as we often look so similar to our non-believing friends and neighbours in the priorities we have for our kids - good education, solid career, and so on. Payne is clear in saying that these things are all well and good in themselves, but they cannot be our overriding and primary priority for our kids. We also need to ask practical questions about how we can take our kids with us as disciples. The answer to this is surprisingly commonplace - the same way as we do anyone else! Payne helpfully summarises this as teaching in life, personal relationships and example, and prayer.
He ends with a rousing challenge: "Fatherhood is not for the soft, or the mediocre. It's an adventure, and a cause, and a battle. It will take all the strength, courage, resourcefulness, hard work and honesty that you can throw at it - not just for a week or a month, but for years of your life. The enemies will be weakness, dishonesty, selfishness, faithlessness, laziness, compromise and plain cowardice. The kind of fatherhood we've talked about in this book will only be possible if you're prepared to be a man. That's what it takes to be a faithful father, a strong sustainer, a loving leader...It won't be easy. But few truly excellent things are. So be a man."
Tony Payne seeks to answer two questions that are right up front in the subtitle:
- What is fatherhood?
- What is the purpose of fatherhood?
In outlining what fatherhood is, Payne recognises that this question has become increasingly confused in our day in the West. With refreshing honesty, he says, "You and I both know that it's tough. It's demanding and tiring and infuriating, as well as being just about the best thing most of us have ever done. And do we feel like we do a good job - no, make that an adequate job? I haven't met many dads who feel confident to say they do." He also helpfully points out that the "mental game" is where the majority of fathering takes place, "Becoming a good father is not about learning five practical handy techniques that can be pulled out of the kitbag whenever they're needed. It's a mind game. It's about having a set of attitudes and ideas that shape what you do in the thousands of different situations you find yourself in as a dad...our actions are shaped and driven by our mind, by the core beliefs, assumptions and rules of thumb that we've acquired over the years."
The rest of the first part of the book is spent teasing out the core beliefs and truths about fatherhood:
- Fathers are the prime creators of our children; they are the fruit of our bodies. In other words, we made them, gave them life, and they are ours.
- As creators, we have responsibility for our children, and are to be committed to our kids and to caring for, nurturing and loving them. One practical outworking of this is that we shouldn't act the hero when we're just doing our job. Ouch!
- Fathers have authority over their children. This is the right and power to make decisions and to call forth action in others in fulfilment of our responsibility. The basis of this is the two points above, the fact that fathers are creators with primary responsibility for their children, to pursue their well-being. Authority is given to fulfil this responsibility, and this is given not for fathers to serve their interests but for the benefit of our wives and children.
Payne then spends some time outlining what it means in practice to be an authoritative leader in our families, considering how we express our authority and how our authority should be received. On the first point, our authority is to be expressed in love (not bossy, selfish brutishness), by making good decisions when we need to (not all decisions, or none), by taking the initiative (being proactive in pursuing our families good, not just reactive when things go wrong), and in disciplining and teaching our children. I found the third of these most convicting, especially when Payne exhorts us to be taking the initiative and "not just sitting back and letting it all wash over you, and only stirring yourself to action when something is wrong or when your wife complains loudly enough." On the second point, he concludes briefly that, "Just as honour and obedience and reflect are due to our heavenly father because he created all things, and in his faithful goodness sustains all things, so human fathers are also with of honour, thanks and obedience from their children. The authority of fathers should be received gratefully, respectfully and with honour."
He closes the first section of the book by examining the two dominant styles of fatherhood, which he calls the captain and the nice guy. Unsurprisingly, the best path is to be found in balancing the two, a model we see in God's fatherhood in scripture. Payne memorably describes this as a "wonderful picture of God's kindness and patience towards his wayward people. It's the perfect combination of severity and compassion, of awe-inspiring authority and oceanic mercy. We could do no better in our quest for a 'style' than to meditate on the character of God, our heavenly Father, and see how in him justice and mercy meet, and power is mixed with gentleness." This ensures that we avoid self-centred oppressiveness on the one hand, and sentimental ineffectiveness on the other.
In the second half of the book, Payne outlines the purpose of fatherhood. He begins by answering a more foundational question: What is the purpose of life? He answers that "it's for everything in heaven and on earth to be united or gathered together in Christ. It's for him to be Lord of everything, to fix everything, to complete everything. Instead of us being sinners and enemies of God, we may be forgiven and reconciled to him. Instead of being divided from each other and hating each other, we can be united together as fellow subjects and servants of Jesus Christ, who love him and each other...the purpose for which God made us - the destiny towards which all of us are heading - is to submit to Jesus Christ, and top be reconciled through him with God our Father. Christ is the one who gives meaning to history, to our individual lives, and to the lives of our kids. Your destiny, and your family's destiny, is to be found in him, in the man who died and rose and is now the ruler of all things...The fact of the Lordship of Jesus Christ, and God's purpose to unite all things under him, means that our lives have a purpose. Our lives have a direction, a goal, a destiny, which affects everything, including fatherhood."
As he continues, this is a call to discipleship: "Here is the purpose, goal and destiny of our lives as humans, as men, as fathers. It is to be a disciple of Jesus: to live for him and die for him, "to let all the parts of our life strive towards him as our only rightful goal." This is what gives meaning to the chaos and absurdity and unpredictability and boredom and hardship and suffering of life, as well as to its pleasures and joys. It all has a purpose and a goal, because it's all part of our daily self-denying, cross-bearing journey of discipleship." This means that our life and destiny, and that of our children, do not lie in ourselves and our goals, purposes and aspirations but in God. It also means that the family itself isn't the ultimate purpose of life, and we should avoid the all too common pitfall of effectively worshipping our children or family life. Denying ourselves and following Christ will undoubtedly mean suffering in this world, but it is ultimately the path of freedom and glory.
In looking even more specifically at fatherhood, Payne explains that our purpose as fathers is not only to be a disciple but to make disciples - to take our families with us. This means that we need to ask probing and honest questions of ourselves and what we want for our children - their worldly comfort or their holiness? And which has priority? Particularly for us comfortable westerners, this should give us pause for thought as we often look so similar to our non-believing friends and neighbours in the priorities we have for our kids - good education, solid career, and so on. Payne is clear in saying that these things are all well and good in themselves, but they cannot be our overriding and primary priority for our kids. We also need to ask practical questions about how we can take our kids with us as disciples. The answer to this is surprisingly commonplace - the same way as we do anyone else! Payne helpfully summarises this as teaching in life, personal relationships and example, and prayer.
He ends with a rousing challenge: "Fatherhood is not for the soft, or the mediocre. It's an adventure, and a cause, and a battle. It will take all the strength, courage, resourcefulness, hard work and honesty that you can throw at it - not just for a week or a month, but for years of your life. The enemies will be weakness, dishonesty, selfishness, faithlessness, laziness, compromise and plain cowardice. The kind of fatherhood we've talked about in this book will only be possible if you're prepared to be a man. That's what it takes to be a faithful father, a strong sustainer, a loving leader...It won't be easy. But few truly excellent things are. So be a man."
March 2, 2024
An easy read that's more theoretical, with some practical hints scattered throughout. But refreshing after reading a super specific pregnancy/new birth book.
His summary of fatherhood:
* A powerful life-giver (so take responsibility!),
* A loving and faithful sustainer (so take responsibility!),
* A leader and decision-maker, who exercises authority in order to fulfil your responsibilities of loving your family (so take responsibility!)
Therefore: Repent and follow Christ! And take your family with you.
His challenge to fathers whether we really want our kids to be ridiculed disciples was helpful. What is actual my goal for my kids? Will I thank "God for disciplining them as his children by sending them hard times"?
Why 3 stars?
1. Some inappropriate jokes about feminism that are not at all helpful.
2. A Random Dilbert comic that also don't really add to the story.
3. The ending to "be a man" was also a bit on the nose.
NB: I read the older edition of this book, and I think the weaknesses may (I hope) have been fixed in the new edition (the blue cover).
His summary of fatherhood:
* A powerful life-giver (so take responsibility!),
* A loving and faithful sustainer (so take responsibility!),
* A leader and decision-maker, who exercises authority in order to fulfil your responsibilities of loving your family (so take responsibility!)
Therefore: Repent and follow Christ! And take your family with you.
His challenge to fathers whether we really want our kids to be ridiculed disciples was helpful. What is actual my goal for my kids? Will I thank "God for disciplining them as his children by sending them hard times"?
Why 3 stars?
1. Some inappropriate jokes about feminism that are not at all helpful.
2. A Random Dilbert comic that also don't really add to the story.
3. The ending to "be a man" was also a bit on the nose.
NB: I read the older edition of this book, and I think the weaknesses may (I hope) have been fixed in the new edition (the blue cover).
January 6, 2023
Mothers are reading books on motherhood and fathers are reading books on fatherhood but I figured it would be just as helpful for us to read the books ostensibly intended for the other, no? Some things that could maybe be re-phrased, i.e. father as CEO of family probably isn't a great analogy even with the ten billion caveats. Overall I think I agree with the model of father as lifegiver, nurturer and ruler. Note: ruler is explained in terms of the father having the authority to carry out his responsibilities. Payne doesn't embrace patriarchy, and seems to implicitly follow Daniel Block's suggestion that the biblical model is better described as patricentrism (particularly in OT), with father as centre, over and against the notion of patriarchy, understood as absolute and totalitarian male rule.
June 12, 2018
Excellent. Payne's Fatherhood is a book I had previously overlooked, for obvious reasons, but since the birth of my first child I have experienced the inevitable feelings of being grossly ill-prepared for parenthood. In this hugely readable, easily laid out work, Payne strikes an almost perfect balance between thinking about fatherhood theologically and the very practical expression of it
October 12, 2022
I read this book with a group of men at my church and really enjoyed it. Tony Payne is clear, truthful, and humorous as he engages fathers about their task. This is likely a book I will come back to at some point to read for myself, but will also use this in future ministry endeavors.
March 9, 2019
A bit shallow but there was definitely some helpful stuff throughout.
January 30, 2025
The author gives biblically sound insights on the role a father plays in a household.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 15, 2014
A thoroughly excellent book.
Concise, practical and to the point, it's a must read for any Christian father but also a should read for any Christian and any father regardless of faith. While packed with purpose and practicality and backed throughout by scriptural references, the book's style is friendly and easy to follow.
Reading it really opened my eyes to the way I should be approaching parenting, to my role as a Dad within our family unit and also how far removed many of the worldly views of parenting are from what God intended.
Perhaps best of all, this book is short. It's not needlessly padded out or constantly repeating itself, and as a result it packs a bigger punch in a smaller package. I'm really pleased to have read this book and can't recommend it highly enough.
Concise, practical and to the point, it's a must read for any Christian father but also a should read for any Christian and any father regardless of faith. While packed with purpose and practicality and backed throughout by scriptural references, the book's style is friendly and easy to follow.
Reading it really opened my eyes to the way I should be approaching parenting, to my role as a Dad within our family unit and also how far removed many of the worldly views of parenting are from what God intended.
Perhaps best of all, this book is short. It's not needlessly padded out or constantly repeating itself, and as a result it packs a bigger punch in a smaller package. I'm really pleased to have read this book and can't recommend it highly enough.
July 25, 2011
All of a sudden, this is my go to book on fatherhood. The first half was a genuinely powerful encouragement to me to step up to the role of a Christian father. It was solidly biblical, but well explained and presented. And then the 2nd half was very practical and helpful in an immediate, everyday way (which honestly I didn't expect, not expecting both biblical rigor AND helpful wisdom from someone who is a professional writer little known outside of Sydney -- so apologies to Tony Payne, he's written a top book) . There you have it -- Christian dads, buy this book and read it. Here's the kicker: It's a pretty easy and entertaining read to boot.
January 13, 2022
A very easy read. Any book that helps me become a better dad is very welcome. I recommend this book!
Now, to put into practice the nuggets that I’ve taken away!
Now, to put into practice the nuggets that I’ve taken away!
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews