Es ist spät, ich kann nicht atmen. Ein nächtlicher Bericht

by Mario Wirz

Mario, a 35-year-old gay actor, knows that he doesn't have long to live. For five years, he has been surviving himself. For five years, the virus has schooled him in fear. Mario lies in the prison of his room and gives himself failing grades for his life, an F for his lack of success, an F for his pathological need for intimacy, and an F for his neurotic lack of independence. Locked within him is resentment toward his mother, the lifelong yearning for a father, and a pimply-faced kid who cowers and refuses to grow up. Mario stumbles through the wilderness of men and waits. He's learned his lesson and endures the unendurable. In a unique, staccato style, Mario Wirz tells the desperate story of a man obsessed with his memories. For as long as he can hold out against the inevitable, he traces the course of his life, spinning a feverish narrative that exposes his voracious will to live. A disturbingly direct narrative, both cynical and moving, It's Late, I Can't Breathe is written by a 20-year survivor of AIDS who is one of the most talented writers in Germany today. Responding to initial criticism of the book by the gay press in Germany as a homosexual lament and a document of gay self-hatred,the author It would be nice if modern homosexuals were simply emancipated and self-aware, but it would be absurd to take this important concept in a fundamentalist manner and to mask all other realities like negativity and ambivalence only because they don't fit in with our picture of ourselves.

125 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1992

Reviews

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ich bin fertig. Keine Ahnung, wann ich das letzte Mal ein Buch in so wenigen Stunden gelesen habe. Sprachlich ein Genuß! Der Inhalt schmerzlich und so verständlich. Von der Seele geschrieben...

Und so schließt sich der Kreis:
https://youtu.be/JIEAQ4nTCM8

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ich habe mehrmals angesetzt, eine Rezension zu schreiben und war jeweils unzufrieden mit meinem Versuch, die vielen Aspekte, die mich an diesem Buch bewegt und begeistert haben, zu beschreiben.

Also zitiere ich die Deutsche Aidshilfe aus dem Nachruf auf Mario Wirz (†2013), die das Buch als „eines der wichtigsten deutschen literarischen Werke zu HIV/Aids“ bezeichnete.

Das autobiographische Stück spielt 1992 in Berlin und irgendwie hat sich in den 30 Jahren gesellschaftlich erschreckend wenig geändert (im Gegensatz zur HIV-Medizin) - durch seine Aktualität ging mir die Geschichte noch näher als erwartet.

[nope · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ich bin von dem Schreibstil wahnsinnig beeindruckt. Seine Geschichte ich traurig, geprägt von Stereotypen, toxischen Beziehungen und ignorierten Wahrheiten. Dennoch hat er nicht aufgegeben, hat in einer Zeit des schnellen Todes überlebt und gekämpft. An einigen Stellen deprimierend und langatmig erzählt dieses Buch die Geschichte eines HIV-Positiven, der leben will.

[Camilla · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I, too, make a great effort to be true to the image that you are beginning to love.”

[Loris Zivian · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interessante Erzählung zur AIDS-Situation in den 80er/90ern. Sehr lyrisch (z.B. „Ich schreibe Gedichte, aber ersticke an meiner Sprachlosigkeit“)
Leider wird mir der Schreibstil oftmals zu viel und wirkt auch in der inneren Struktur des „nächtlichen Berichts“ sehr chaotisch.
Vielleicht ist es ein anachronistischer Vorwurf, denn wie gravierend AIDS damals wahrgenommen wurde, weiss ich nicht - dennoch finde ich die Erzählung überspitzt weinerlich, dass es mit der Zeit mühsam wird, niedergeschrieben.

[Klaus Mattes · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ich nehme mir die absolut unsensible Unmenschenkritik heraus, mit der man sich nur Feinde schafft:
Mario Wirz ist so dermaßen lange und anhaltend öffentlich literarisch an AIDS in BERLIN gestorben, dass es irgendwann dann sogar noch an der Zeit wurde, dass er es wirklich machte.

[Semi · Rating 5 out of 5]

So schmerzhaft, so gut. Eins der besten, schwersten Bücher, die ich bisher gelesen habe.

[nils · Rating 5 out of 5]

probably das beste buch dieses jahr.

[Heiko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ein wahnsinnig gutes Buch. Hart und schonungslos geschrieben.

Ich bin so unfassbar dankbar, dass ich es lesen durfte.

[EMM · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's Late, I Cant Breathe takes us through the morose ramblings of an HIV positive man. He turns over his past looking for meaning as he contemplates death and obsesses over his mortality brought closer by his HIV positive status. I liked it a lot. The prose is kind of dizzying but deliberately so. It's also evocative, beautiful and vivid. This book is definitely not underwritten. The high caliber writing makes the book compelling though a lot of it amounts to self torment. Just as the protagonist can't escape death, he can't escape his own life, its limitations and wanting more from his experiences. Though his exact circumstances might be different, what he finds is what many people would if they were to examine their lives for meaning, accomplishment and everything that is missing. The novel often has a sense of confinement, not just physical as the protagonist ruminates on his life from the couch, but also a self negating concern with how he is perceived that seems to overwhelm much of his life choices. Despite all that, the writing carries an exuberant spirit and will that pushes forward despite all the bitching and moaning. I really enjoyed this book and consider it a piece of high quality writing.

[Stefan Meyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an out-of-the-ordinary narrative of a gay man who is living with the AIDS virus. It goes against the grain of the hopeful type of literature we expect on this subject. It's raw and painfully honest. The author bares his soul, freely sharing all his insecurities, doubts, and fears. This honesty brings a sense of intimacy to this book. We relate to the narrator whether we're gay or straight, healthy or sick, because we will all eventually have to face our own mortality. The author, in a sense, prepares the way for us, suffering for us, asking the agonizing questions, so that the way will be easier for us when it is our turn.

[Larry Arnold · Rating 3 out of 5]

I couldn’t finish it. It was all a thought process of someone hiding from his life that has aids.

It didn’t go no where. You learned a lot about who he is/was.