Falling together: a family's story of mental illness and grief

by Donna McCart Sharkey

The author anticipated building an ordinary family. And that's what happened. But mental illness and grief also happened, undermining the security of home and changing the familial experience from ordinary to extraordinary. A hard story to live, a hard story to read, this book describes the day to day life in a family navigating their increasingly fraught lives. A must read for any family who has experienced this and a must read for anyone wanting to know about this.

Genres: Memoir

180 pages, Paperback

Published April 1, 2021

About the author

Donna McCart Sharkey grew up in Montreal and now lives in Ottawa. She holds a Ph.D. from the University of Ottawa and her research includes studies conducted with war affected girls and young women. Her research has been published in numerous academic journals and she has contributed to various anthologies. Prior to retirement, she was a professor at The State University of New York. She is the mother of Alessandra and Renata.

Reviews

[Zoom · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my oldest and dearest friends wrote this memoir, and it's mind-blowing.

Donna adopted Alessandra from a Brazilian orphanage when she was 8 years old. Alessandra had already been through so much in her short life. Though her circumstances improved immeasurably following her adoption, her struggles were just beginning. Mental illness came for her, and it held her in its grip for the rest of her life, while Donna did everything in her power to wrest her daughter free of its clutches.

It's not just about mental illness. It's about shame and stigma and fear and secrecy. About loss and grief and suffering. It's about never giving up, even when you're completely depleted. About impossible choices. About how Alessandra was so much more than mentally ill: she was also a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover of animals, a giver of gifts, a kind and generous and loving spirit. Above all, it's about love.

And it's not just about Alessandra. When one family member has a mental illness, the whole family lives with mental illness. Alessandra's mental illness took a toll on Donna's mental health. The unrelenting stress of protecting her daughter and advocating for her and trying to find solutions and dreading the next crisis in an endless series of crises, it took its toll. Donna was exhausted and depressed, and things just kept getting worse.

It's also about the catastrophic failure of the mental health, social and housing systems to make space for Alessandra. Her suicide attempts as a young woman left her with complex medical issues in addition to her mental illness. The system simply did not have anywhere appropriate for a young woman with her combination of challenges to live. As an adult, she couldn't live at home anymore because it wasn't safe for Donna or her younger daughter, Renata. They loved her and remained fully involved in her life, but it was no longer possible for her to live with them.

The system shuttled Alessandra from one inappropriate situation to another - shelters, hospitals, old age homes. Some were far worse than inappropriate. At one point she was held in solitary confinement without her psychiatric medications for a month, simply because there was nowhere else.

The memoir is constructed from fragments of journal entries, layers of thoughts and feelings, poems, letters, photographs, memories, short excerpts from other sources. It follows a roughly chronological timeline, but includes retrospective musings. It is beautiful, tender, honest, heartbreaking and so, so brave.