CRACKLE … SIZZLE … FLOP
“Love is a poison that renders you weak. Makes you vulnerable and ultimately is your undoing. I say who and I say when. In sex, love, and murder.”
Make bank on this. Two stone cold killers-for-hire with the hots for each other, matched skills to burn, and sparring tongues that had me all gushy, as limp as a wet noodle inside, and heavily leaning in on this couple. And then they went and added a motherless, cherubic toddler that stole my heart and made her single daddy a desperate man-on-the-run … and I was a total goner. It’s gonna take a heap of shit to mess this up for me.
Well, don’t hold your breath because that’s exactly what the author did … in spades. Things that just happen out of the blue from huge contrivances without explanation or follow-through. As the story fell apart at the seams, I kept wondering what the author was smoking when she wrote it. After ensnaring me so fully with enticing banter, the lovers’ sexual aura, and the tease of a dangerously suspenseful romance, it all became too much of a good thing and crashed to the ground.
Everything starts out edgy and nerve-wracking. The first time they met it was dangerous. The second time they met it was murder. Contract killer Fallon is a hit-woman living in a world without love, as she hops from job to job and only trusts her gay, behind-the-scenes assistant March (think Bosley from the old Charlie’s Angels TV show, but more savvy). She’s got a buried incest secret, horrible rich parents, and a teen sis she worries about still under their roof. But that’s all background noise. She’s stuck between her Mafia boss/lover Ronan and his enforcer Declan whom she's been hired to kill – a man she’s coincidentally fallen for before he disappeared on her.
“It’s diabolical. Your new lover wants you to assassinate your old lover.” “~~ He is fire I shouldn’t fan, but I’m much too tempted not to touch the flame. Dangerous.”
In a nutshell, Ronan frames Declan for murder of his entire family to take control of their empire. Ronan’s sister – the love of Declan’s life and his baby mama – is killed in the bloodbath, and Declan escapes with their baby daughter. Holed up together in hiding from Ronan, Declan drinks like a fish without a plan for their survival and nowhere to go, while waiting for whoever Ronan sends to polish him off and take back the baby. That killer is Fallon, but she can’t pull the trigger … sparks fly … and they wind up in the sack and a world of trouble with Ronan.
I was captivated when all of a sudden, this edgy romance went from tantalizing to borderline comedy about near-zany domestic bliss that resembled assassins' daycare. The happy little trio – now on the run together -- doesn’t act concerned enough about their situation, while involving March in their escape plan (whatever that is). My eyeballs were permanently stuck in the back of my head as characters did extraordinary things made possible by OTT connections and convenient contrivances. Toss in loads of drama as the killer pair is busy playing hide the salami and patty-cake with little dollface as they leap from hotel rooms to a double-wide in a trailer park, and you’ve got some idea how this “going nowhere fast” story degrades. It kept flip-flopping about what kind of story it wanted to be.
I call it ADHD comedy-drama 101. At 75% the whole shebang was seriously drifting and in need of a life raft. Much of the story is purposely misleading about characters’ intentions before “tell vs. show” explanations of what really happened reveals surprise twists that made me groan. For such a life-and-death dilemma, there was an inexplicable amount of comic relief. Their minds are seldom on business – always joking, or having sex, or wasting time with lame comedy until the bullets fly. And sometimes the baby is simply forgotten.
Tender moments followed by nonsense followed by irreverent humor followed by raw sex followed by kick-ass action followed by danger. I got whiplash. It started off with a bang, but withered under sloppy attention to details and story flaws. Little makes sense, especially the sudden business connection between Fallon’s dad and Ronan … how the characters all wind up at Fallon’s family estate (the last place she would ever go) as part of an escape plan … and a contrived showdown with Ronan. That bloodbath ending and Fallon’s bombshell, incest confession left me speechless and giving them all the stink-eye. I hated what happened to likable March, and thought less of Fallon’s handling of her secret that she basically turned her selfish back on for years. And the loose-lipped killer lovers were dumb as dirt for too much sharing of their plans and personal details with the wrong people. Professionals? I think not. A really good start that turned into a disappointing mess, when I expected a whole other direction. Next time I see an M. Never book, I'll think twice.
Author: Cheers-ing? Don’t you mean toasting? And it’s “midriffs”, not “mid-drifts”. That’s the quality of writing here.