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Fortune's Bastard
Edward Miller is a reactionary, alpha male, tabloid newspaper editor. He wears his temper like a badge of honor, would rather step over a homeless beggar than walk around him, and engages in petty warfare with his staff over expense receipts. He's also never been much bothered with monogamy, but when one morning he spontaneously seduces his temp in an office storeroom, he's definitely crossed a line in blatancy. Miller has made few friends and many enemies—not to mention the fact that the storeroom is a notorious trysting place and he and the temp both emerge covered in dust and airmail stickers—so the news doesn’t take long to reach his cold, beautiful wife. Conveniently, it just happens to be their anniversary. Imagine the celebratory dinner, capped by her returning her house keys and consummating her desire to sleep with the neighbor.
Not a man to suffer rejection well, Miller heads for a London media hangout, where two employees introduce him to cocaine. By morning, his exploits are public (a photographer captured him snorting the cocaine in public), his career is over (thanks to a damning interview he gave a journalist from a rival paper), he's not only painted the word 'WANKER' on the cuckolding neighbor's car, but misspelled it, and his house is on fire (never leave a goodbye bonfire of wedding photos unattended). . . . Clearly, it’s time to leave town. Miller has an engagement to speak to the boys at his old prep school, but he can't seem to stop pouring gasoline on the fire that his life has become, showing up hungover after a night partying with an old school friend and a gaggle of Spanish flight attendants, and calling the headmaster by his behind-the-back nickname of "Stiffo" to the students, for a start. After the speech, he speaks with his doctor and learns that his father-in-law plans to kill him.
Leigh, the old school friend, works for an English language school in Barcelona, and Miller wrangles its address out of him, for he clearly can't go home. He gets the job and adapts surprisingly well to a life of an underpaid teacher, despite the fact that some of his students will clearly never learn the language (there are hilarious scenes of their attempts in this section) and even starts up a romance with a tough-talking English girl who's one of his fellow teachers—but he doesn't tell her who he really is when he has the opportunity, and when she figures it out on her own she is livid and that bridge is burnt. To make matters worse, his father-in-law's goons have tracked him down.
Miller flees again, winding up in Florida, in a town populated by ex-circus freaks and presided over by the Half Man, a criminal and sadist with no legs who welcomes Miller to town by shoving a gun barrel in his mouth and breaking his teeth. But ironically, it seems that despite the fleas in his trailer, the one-eyed albino hit man who seems to overhear every compromising conversation between Miller and the Half Man’s beautiful wife the Lizard Woman, and the fact that the Half Man’s stranglehold on the local police mean that Miller isn’t actually free to leave, it seems that Miller somehow belongs among the freaks. These misfits—among them a black dwarf, a gay clown with a penchant for altar boys, a heroin addict who is their unlicensed doctor, a biker hit man named Hollis after Grove’s erstwhile publicist, and the Lizard Woman’s wonderful eight-year-old daughter—unwittingly teach Miller what normal life never could—how to love, and how to stand up for something he truly believes in. When Miller's wife tracks him down and has him sign over the spoils of his old life to her, he gets enough money out of her to hire the albino to hit the Half Man. And though all certainly does not go smoothly with the hit—someone as vicious as the Half Man is unlikely to go quietly—Miller and the Lizard Woman are able to close that chapter and start a new life together.
Not a man to suffer rejection well, Miller heads for a London media hangout, where two employees introduce him to cocaine. By morning, his exploits are public (a photographer captured him snorting the cocaine in public), his career is over (thanks to a damning interview he gave a journalist from a rival paper), he's not only painted the word 'WANKER' on the cuckolding neighbor's car, but misspelled it, and his house is on fire (never leave a goodbye bonfire of wedding photos unattended). . . . Clearly, it’s time to leave town. Miller has an engagement to speak to the boys at his old prep school, but he can't seem to stop pouring gasoline on the fire that his life has become, showing up hungover after a night partying with an old school friend and a gaggle of Spanish flight attendants, and calling the headmaster by his behind-the-back nickname of "Stiffo" to the students, for a start. After the speech, he speaks with his doctor and learns that his father-in-law plans to kill him.
Leigh, the old school friend, works for an English language school in Barcelona, and Miller wrangles its address out of him, for he clearly can't go home. He gets the job and adapts surprisingly well to a life of an underpaid teacher, despite the fact that some of his students will clearly never learn the language (there are hilarious scenes of their attempts in this section) and even starts up a romance with a tough-talking English girl who's one of his fellow teachers—but he doesn't tell her who he really is when he has the opportunity, and when she figures it out on her own she is livid and that bridge is burnt. To make matters worse, his father-in-law's goons have tracked him down.
Miller flees again, winding up in Florida, in a town populated by ex-circus freaks and presided over by the Half Man, a criminal and sadist with no legs who welcomes Miller to town by shoving a gun barrel in his mouth and breaking his teeth. But ironically, it seems that despite the fleas in his trailer, the one-eyed albino hit man who seems to overhear every compromising conversation between Miller and the Half Man’s beautiful wife the Lizard Woman, and the fact that the Half Man’s stranglehold on the local police mean that Miller isn’t actually free to leave, it seems that Miller somehow belongs among the freaks. These misfits—among them a black dwarf, a gay clown with a penchant for altar boys, a heroin addict who is their unlicensed doctor, a biker hit man named Hollis after Grove’s erstwhile publicist, and the Lizard Woman’s wonderful eight-year-old daughter—unwittingly teach Miller what normal life never could—how to love, and how to stand up for something he truly believes in. When Miller's wife tracks him down and has him sign over the spoils of his old life to her, he gets enough money out of her to hire the albino to hit the Half Man. And though all certainly does not go smoothly with the hit—someone as vicious as the Half Man is unlikely to go quietly—Miller and the Lizard Woman are able to close that chapter and start a new life together.
- GenresFiction
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2004
5 people are currently reading
93 people want to read
About the author
Robert Chalmers
69 books7 followersRobert Chalmers lives in London and writes for British GQ and The Independent.
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
September 7, 2016
Laugh out loud funny. The funniest book I've read
February 3, 2025
I appreciate what the guy was going for but this was not greeeat. If I tried to write a book it would probably end up a lot like this.
With some parts cut out it could have been a solid screenplay?? I think
1.5 stars
With some parts cut out it could have been a solid screenplay?? I think
1.5 stars
November 29, 2011
I've read this book a few times now. I enjoyed it, it is most definitely off the beaten path, which does tend to appeal to me. An arrogant man who takes his life for granted, gets a karmic kick to the ass. I've recommended it to friends in the past, but I've yet to meet anyone else who has enjoyed it.
May 6, 2008
This novel takes very unpredictable turns from England to Gibsonton, Florida. Very well written and entertaining.
June 10, 2021
This book is the perfect example of of why Goodreads should let us give half stars. This novel is better than a three - I actually enjoyed it quite a bit - but it had enough problems that I can't in good conscience give it a four.
The premise is great: wealthy, arrogant, shallow and selfish newspaper editor gets caught seducing a temp in a newsroom supply closet and karma proceeds to do what it does. Big time. He ends up alone, penniless, hunted by violent goons hired by his ex-wife's family and living in Plant City, Florida, a polluted, mucus spit of a town. Just when you think Karma is out of tricks, he ends up in a crazy, commune-type community of carnival misfits run by a murderous psychotic criminal married to a beautiful "alligator woman" cursed with a painful skin condition and a dream to move to Connecticut. Naturally, the protagonist falls in love with her and her Marlboro-smoking 10-year-old daughter, sparking his transformation from full-time a-hole to decent guy and motivating him to overthrow the king of carney town.
My biggest problem is the strange intermission the story has in the middle, where our anti-hero excapes Britain to Spain and works as a tutor. First, the book was written well after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, and he easily flew from country to country without legitimate ID while authorities were looking for him. Second, his time in Spain seemed pointless. I guess it was to show the embryonic twitchings of his gradual evolution into a non-jerk, but not enough happened to be worth the time of reading it. From there, he flew to Florida (again, with no security issues) and that's really where the story picks off. Not sure why the author included that whole section on Spain. It was almost like he'd written a vacation there off as a tax expense and needed to justify it by including it in his novel.
The premise is great: wealthy, arrogant, shallow and selfish newspaper editor gets caught seducing a temp in a newsroom supply closet and karma proceeds to do what it does. Big time. He ends up alone, penniless, hunted by violent goons hired by his ex-wife's family and living in Plant City, Florida, a polluted, mucus spit of a town. Just when you think Karma is out of tricks, he ends up in a crazy, commune-type community of carnival misfits run by a murderous psychotic criminal married to a beautiful "alligator woman" cursed with a painful skin condition and a dream to move to Connecticut. Naturally, the protagonist falls in love with her and her Marlboro-smoking 10-year-old daughter, sparking his transformation from full-time a-hole to decent guy and motivating him to overthrow the king of carney town.
My biggest problem is the strange intermission the story has in the middle, where our anti-hero excapes Britain to Spain and works as a tutor. First, the book was written well after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, and he easily flew from country to country without legitimate ID while authorities were looking for him. Second, his time in Spain seemed pointless. I guess it was to show the embryonic twitchings of his gradual evolution into a non-jerk, but not enough happened to be worth the time of reading it. From there, he flew to Florida (again, with no security issues) and that's really where the story picks off. Not sure why the author included that whole section on Spain. It was almost like he'd written a vacation there off as a tax expense and needed to justify it by including it in his novel.
March 8, 2018
Excellent book. The adventure of a man who loses everything and finds himself in the process. A lot of laughs, loads of adventure.
October 29, 2008
What a big, fat disappointment this book turned out to be.
I really liked this author's previous novel and so was looking quite forward to reading this one, his sophomore effort. Unfortunately, this one takes an awful long time to get to the point and then doesn't go anywhere after that. It's a shame, too, because it has such a promising beginning.
Edward Miller is the editor of London's sleaziest tabloid newspaper. He's also a philandering ass who gets his comeuppance after he has a bit of a roll-and-tumble shag with his temp secretary in the supply closet. They fail to realize that he now has airmail stickers plastered all over his jacket, making very clear what he was doing in that closet. Why else would he be rolling around on the ground? Of course, a subordinate who hates him contacts his wife, who confronts him that evening at their anniversary dinner, confessing to infidelities of her own and announcing that she plans to marry the neighbor as soon as their divorce is finalized. End Chapter One. A good first chapter, quite fast-paced and funny.
From here, Miller embarks on an evening of self-destruction that would kill most people. It involves copious amounts of alcohol, cocaine, and a hilarious act of vandalism on the aforementioned neighbor's car. By the next morning, word of his antics has spread to every other newspaper in town and he is swarmed by reporters, including one hot little vixen who manages to get a photo of him nude and puking that ruins his career when she plasters it on the front page of her own paper. From there, all the career destruction is his own. He has a meltdown during a speech at a college and then inadvertently catches his own house on fire while burning his wife's phonograph records.
He goes on the lam, to escape humiliation and arson charges.
He ends up in Spain teaching English as a second language to foreigners, but more reporters track him there. So he makes another escape to Arlington, FL. Here, he attempts to kill himself in peace. His suicide attempt, though, is thwarted by a dwarf named Paul, who takes him into a local bar for rejuvenation. This bar is owned by a legless circus freak named The Half Man who doesn't like foreigners. The Half Man is also a despicable sadist who delights in humiliating Edward and then holds him hostage, forcing him to become a personal slave to the circus freaks that reside in Half Man's Camp.
In the end, Miller falls for The Half Man's wife, a lizard-skinned woman named Frankie. He and she conspire to kill The Half Man to protect themselves and Frankie's daughter Alex from a life of cruelty at the hands of The Half Man.
It has a good, well-played ending that involves various denizens of the camp becoming involved in Edward's scam in their own way. And, of course, The Half Man, surprises everyone with a shocking act of kindness that no one would be able to see coming. But the excitement of the last thirty pages or so does not redeem how slow and pointless at least two-thirds of this novel seems to be.
Anyone who wants to read this novel can have my copy, if they can discover where it lands after I've thrown it from my roof.
I really liked this author's previous novel and so was looking quite forward to reading this one, his sophomore effort. Unfortunately, this one takes an awful long time to get to the point and then doesn't go anywhere after that. It's a shame, too, because it has such a promising beginning.
Edward Miller is the editor of London's sleaziest tabloid newspaper. He's also a philandering ass who gets his comeuppance after he has a bit of a roll-and-tumble shag with his temp secretary in the supply closet. They fail to realize that he now has airmail stickers plastered all over his jacket, making very clear what he was doing in that closet. Why else would he be rolling around on the ground? Of course, a subordinate who hates him contacts his wife, who confronts him that evening at their anniversary dinner, confessing to infidelities of her own and announcing that she plans to marry the neighbor as soon as their divorce is finalized. End Chapter One. A good first chapter, quite fast-paced and funny.
From here, Miller embarks on an evening of self-destruction that would kill most people. It involves copious amounts of alcohol, cocaine, and a hilarious act of vandalism on the aforementioned neighbor's car. By the next morning, word of his antics has spread to every other newspaper in town and he is swarmed by reporters, including one hot little vixen who manages to get a photo of him nude and puking that ruins his career when she plasters it on the front page of her own paper. From there, all the career destruction is his own. He has a meltdown during a speech at a college and then inadvertently catches his own house on fire while burning his wife's phonograph records.
He goes on the lam, to escape humiliation and arson charges.
He ends up in Spain teaching English as a second language to foreigners, but more reporters track him there. So he makes another escape to Arlington, FL. Here, he attempts to kill himself in peace. His suicide attempt, though, is thwarted by a dwarf named Paul, who takes him into a local bar for rejuvenation. This bar is owned by a legless circus freak named The Half Man who doesn't like foreigners. The Half Man is also a despicable sadist who delights in humiliating Edward and then holds him hostage, forcing him to become a personal slave to the circus freaks that reside in Half Man's Camp.
In the end, Miller falls for The Half Man's wife, a lizard-skinned woman named Frankie. He and she conspire to kill The Half Man to protect themselves and Frankie's daughter Alex from a life of cruelty at the hands of The Half Man.
It has a good, well-played ending that involves various denizens of the camp becoming involved in Edward's scam in their own way. And, of course, The Half Man, surprises everyone with a shocking act of kindness that no one would be able to see coming. But the excitement of the last thirty pages or so does not redeem how slow and pointless at least two-thirds of this novel seems to be.
Anyone who wants to read this novel can have my copy, if they can discover where it lands after I've thrown it from my roof.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 11, 2008
I only read about half of this book before giving up. The following partial review was written just before I decided to cut my losses with this one:
Everything interesting seems to have already happened within the first couple chapters. True, there are still a few unresolved questions, like whether Miller will be discovered, whether he will redeem himself, but I'm not sure I care.
To elaborate just a bit: Edward Miller, the main character, is completely unsympathetic. The book starts off with his life totally falling apart for reasons entirely of his own fault, so there is some schadenfreude there. But then, he flees the country and gets a job under an assumed name in Spain and...so far nothing very interesting is happening in Spain. What's more, his entire personality has disappeared. His pre-Spain personality consisted entirely of being an ass. Now he's not such an ass, but no other personality traits have appeared, and furthermore, there is no explanation, even implied, of what caused this turnaround.
Everything interesting seems to have already happened within the first couple chapters. True, there are still a few unresolved questions, like whether Miller will be discovered, whether he will redeem himself, but I'm not sure I care.
To elaborate just a bit: Edward Miller, the main character, is completely unsympathetic. The book starts off with his life totally falling apart for reasons entirely of his own fault, so there is some schadenfreude there. But then, he flees the country and gets a job under an assumed name in Spain and...so far nothing very interesting is happening in Spain. What's more, his entire personality has disappeared. His pre-Spain personality consisted entirely of being an ass. Now he's not such an ass, but no other personality traits have appeared, and furthermore, there is no explanation, even implied, of what caused this turnaround.
August 7, 2010
My issue with this book is that it drags in the middle. A lot of attention is paid to Edward's time in Barcelona, but it seems to solely be there for character development. I guess you can't just take him from living the life of a privileged bigot to living with circus freaks, he needs something to change him, make him more able to deal with difficult circumstances. Maybe the author decided to use Barcelona in place of some inward dialogue from Edward- there isn't much feeling or thought coming from him about what changes he goes through. He simply goes through them because he has to. Its admirable that he can adapt, but he seems disconnected. Even when he appears to fall in love with the Half Man's wife, it seems like something that he just does, maybe because she's the prettiest thing in his immediate vicinity. I feel suspicious of his actions because his feelings and motivations aren't really conveyed. I thought the ending was satisfying, if not a little convenient. Its a good story, I just think I would have liked to see the characters fleshed out more.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 8, 2008
After reading Who's Who in Hell, I was so hopeful that Fortune's Bastard would be as good, nay, better! It. Wasn't. I don't recall much from it, which makes sense, as I read it more than a year ago, and it wasn't particularly mind-blowing. But I remember the disappointment. And some of the more...colourful characters. But mostly disappointment. It was good, Chalmers is good, and someone I'm still keeping an eye out for, but I plan to reread Who's Who in Hell, and this, not so much.
Read
March 29, 2011This started out pretty strong. An upper class English newspaper editor takes a fall. He burns down his house, starts snorting coke, and runs off to Spain. After that it just gets weird. Is there really a town of circus and carnival freaks in Florida? Probably so, now that I think about it. But why would anyone move there? And stay when there's a boss freak with homicidal tendencies running this town of midgets, bearded women, gay clowns, and pinheads. It seems to me a stretch for the bizarre and shock value in the name of rapid character evolution... On the other hand, I did finish it.
July 7, 2013
I absolutely loved this bizarre little book, which I picked out at the library (as I do so many books) because of its interesting title and strange cover art. I also felt a connection to it because 1.) I had just read Geek Love, which, eh, whatever, save yourself a day, and 2.) the main character hops all over the world, and happens to hop all over the world only to places that I have lived. So, I suppose it was easy to visualize. Plus, I'm a journalist who always fantasizes about joining the-- wait, wait, you'll just have to read it yourself.
January 9, 2013
For the first time in a long time I am cutting my losses and not reading a significant remainder of a book. I can't force myself to care about the characters and after about the second chapter it stopped being even marginally interesting.
When Maura tried to tell me I probably wouldn't like it, I should of listened. Instead I said 'I will read anything.' Well, I guess I will TRY to read anything, finishing is another thing altogether.
When Maura tried to tell me I probably wouldn't like it, I should of listened. Instead I said 'I will read anything.' Well, I guess I will TRY to read anything, finishing is another thing altogether.
August 14, 2007
Dark comedic novel I've meant to read for awhile. Stuffy English editor goes off on a bender and soon everything he cared for is gone, gone, gone. He bottoms out in rural Florida surrounded by carnies and side show people. Okay. Didn't blow me away and the comparing of this and Geek Love on the cover is ridiculous.
February 18, 2010
Overall, an easy read. The protagonist is not easy to like but his life is one of those awful train wrecks that you just cannot keep your eyes off. Makes for a good beach read that isn't a fluffy romance or spy thriller.
May 17, 2015
Overall the first two acts were strong and enjoyable. Colorful characters, funny lines and episodes and an easy read. The third act dark and a caricature of everything and nothing resembling humor. Debating between one and two stars depending on if I finish the book.
December 12, 2015
can't remember much about this but I finished it so I must have enjoyed it! vaguely recall a man joining a freakshow to sort of rebirth himself away from the failures/regrets of his past. definitely a unique plot.
Read
April 5, 2009never got around to reading this one either
May 13, 2009
A little slow to begin with but with a snarky Brit, a homicidal half-man, and a circus town this book turned out pretty awsome
January 5, 2010
I kept going back and forth about this book as I read it, but the last page pushed me over from just okay to liking it. He pulls a story together well.
September 8, 2014
First half of the book is excellent. Violence etc of the second half reminded me of a movie script. You could do better Robert Chalmers.
February 8, 2016
funny and feel-good
August 26, 2012
The fact that I don't like circuses in the least probably caused some bias against this title!
March 29, 2017
I found it hard to get into the book, but once he hit Spain it was much more interesting.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews