The People Pleaser's Guide to Loving Others without Losing Yourself

by Mike Bechtle

Turn your biggest struggle into your greatest strength!


You'll learn to
- say no instead of automatically saying yes
- handle conflict without intimidation
- strengthen relationships by being the real you
- stop looking to others' opinions of you to define your self-worth

We all want other people to like us and think well of us. But when we depend on the praise, admiration, or appreciation of others for our sense of self-worth, we become trapped in an exhausting and debilitating cycle of people-pleasing relationships where we always give and rarely receive.

The most common advice we hear-- Start putting your own needs first! -- doesn't work, because we do love helping other people! Thankfully, the solution to the people pleaser's "problem" isn't to fundamentally change who you are--it's to fundamentally change where you find your worth.

In this freeing book, Dr. Mike Bechtle shows you how to stop letting your fears of rejection, criticism, invisibility, or inadequacy drive your actions and start rebuilding your sense of self-worth from the inside out. When you do, you'll discover that what you once thought of as a struggle is actually a strength.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Personal Growth, Christian, How To, Christian Non Fiction

224 pages, Paperback

Published January 19, 2021

Reviews

[Martine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was just ok for me. There were tools to consider and comments that stuck with me, but I wanted more. I wanted to dig deeper into the why people pleasers behave the way we do. The writing is really good tho and I enjoyed the author's tone throughout the book.

[Kathy Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been a recovering people pleaser for many years now and if I'd had this book available when I started, I would have saved myself a lot of struggle. This book is filled with wisdom, encouragement, and practical support. I've read all of Mike Bechtle's books and I've never been disappointed. All his books has empowered my life with joy and confidence.

[Brandi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Out of all the books I’ve read lately, I took the most notes during this one. I am a People pleaser. I know it, I admit it and just can’t help it. I’ve tried. Believe me, I have tried! My New Years resolution for year is to “say no” and last year I added “without feeling guilty” to it because I feel bad when I can’t help someone or let them down. Need someone to volunteer, “ask Brandi she will do it” has been muttered so many times! And I do and do and do even when I don’t have the capacity. Don’t even ask me how many volunteer roles I have now (on top of being a mom and wife and having a full time and part time job). The part time was one of those “don’t want to let someone down” things so I took it and can’t quit because I’ll let them down.

Anyway, now you know me, let me tell you about the book! You don’t have to lose your self to please others! Read that again. Now let it set in.

Mike Bechtle reminds us to ask ourselves “Do I really want to do this, or do I want people to see me doing it?” How convicting is that? The first step is to recognize you are a people please and there is a quiz in the book to let you know your level, I took the quiz and scored top of the charts! Which isn’t always a good thing.

The next thing that stuck out to me is “there are no conflict-free relationships” so I’m working on being okay with that.

What helps the most is that there are so many practical things and building blocks to help get me where I want to be and remind me I don’t have to do it alone.

I received this as an advance copy from the publisher but this is my honest opinion and while it is my first book by Mike Bechtle but won’t be my last!

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

The People Pleaser's Guide To Loving Others Without Losing Yourself was a good read. I liked how it was a quick read and yet it had some powerful quotes. I might not have agreed with everything said, but it was a good read overall.

"Being proactive doesn't minimize the hurt caused by others. It just means we choose not to be enslaved by them." KL#1455

"We need to know how God feels about us, then make that the basis of our self-worth and identity. " KL#2953

All in all, I enjoyed the read.

*Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned above for free in the hope that I would mention/review it on my blog. I was not required to give a positive review, only my honest opinion - which I've done. All thoughts and opinions expressed are my own and I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.*

[Chynna · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! I wasn't sure what to expect when I first began reading this book. I definitely feel like I am a people pleaser, and was worried I would get the typical "you can't make everyone happy" or "not everybody will like you and that's ok" answer from this book, but oh my goodness it was so much better than that!! I loved this specific quote I read in the book and wrote down that I thought fit my feelings perfectly. Mike wrote "My value comes from the opinion of others. I need people to like me, so I need them to be happy with me all the time. Conflict is the opposite of happiness. If there's conflict, they might not like me. If they don't like me, my value is threatened. I have to become an expert at avoiding conflict to keep my value intact." BOOM. That is exactly how I have lived my life! The People Pleaser's Quiz was so helpful, and I can't wait to read this book again and again and I'm sure I will learn some new piece of information each time I read it.

[Phil Dickey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't consider myself to be a people pleaser, but the "test" in chapter 2 did point out some areas that need attention. Still, I have found much insight not only into some of the characteristics of some people I know, AND into my own motivation for some behavior.
As of today, I have only read the first 16 chapters (out of 20) and I am eager to get to the end because Mike has a great way of understanding people. Many of his suggestions for overcoming the "people pleasing" behaviors are also helpful for living a more fulfilling and confident life which, coincidentally, might please the people with whom we come in contact, but in a wholesome way.
I highly recommend this book even if you don't think you fit the definition of "people pleaser". I would also say I highly recommend ALL of Mike's books.
If you ever get the opportunity to meet the man, you will find that he is all you would expect him to be after reading his writings.

[Lana Meadows · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a life-long PEOPLE PLEASER, I was delightfully surprised that I too could become a healthy and confident, self-controlled pleaser! Yay! A pleaser, who is no longer controlled by what others think and no longer willing to jump through flaming hoops to meet their needs.

As Dr.Bechtle stated in his book, “there is a big difference between “serving people” and “wanting to be seen as someone who serves people”. I didn’t know there was a difference.

The Quiz at the beginning of the book, was super helpful in understanding what kind of People Pleaser I was…. and why! Armed with a new understanding, Dr. Bechtle then digs in and presents 10 building blocks needed to form a new healthy foundation. This new foundation allows you to choose and use your people pleasing skills in the healthiest possible way and positively impacting the lives of others around you.

Thank you Dr. Bechtle! Excited to put what I have learned to use!

[Kerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mike Bechtle's book is a well-written self-help guide that may actually help people! He clearly lays out an argument (and process) for his thesis: that people-pleasing doesn't have to be unhealthy if done with the right motivation: to truly help others instead of making yourself liked or feel better or to avoid conflict. Rather than simply approaching the book as an expert, the author is vulnerable in recounting personal struggles with the issue in his own life, which I found admirable. I read the guide to have another tool on my shelf to help others whose emotional health has suffered due to people-pleasing tendencies, but I discovered ways I, too, have engaged in the negative aspects of people-pleasing. I highly recommend "The People Pleaser's Guide to Loving Others Without Losing Yourself."

*I received an advanced copy from the publisher, and this is my honest review.

[Colleen Higgs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mike Bechtle helps recovering people pleasers not simply to think about ourselves more, but to understand ourselves better. When we understand our own motivations for people pleasing - our underlying fears - Mike says:

we can those interrupt thought patterns and habits.
we can become more honest in our relationships, and so they can be deeper.
we become free to serve others in order to be of help. Not to impress or to validate ourselves.

Mike helps us identify our own motivations and gives practical tools to help us find freedom from our people pleasing ways. Freedom to be more honest, and so, to be known more deeply. Freedom to care for people without agenda or obligation. Freedom to get unstuck and grow.

Well written and helpful for anyone who self-edits, tries hard to impress, or finds their value in what they do for others.

[Lisa Oddo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book fascinating. There were so many examples of who I was, am, and where I'm heading in my interactions with other people. While reading, I could really relate to what Mike Bechtle was sharing from his own experiences. To some degree, we all want others to like us and to please them in certain ways. I realized that how I was communicating and they ways I perceived others reactions to me were areas I want to really work on. We all have strengths and areas to improve on, and I believe he really hits home for people of all walks of life, ages, and roles we play in our interactions with others. This book is a wonderful guide for anyone who cares about people, while wanting to maintain a realness to who they are individually. I highly recommend this book which not only allows for self-introspection, but to understand viewpoints of others of whom we come in contact with.

[Nancy Larimer · Rating 5 out of 5]

#The People Pleaser's Guide to Loving Others Without Losing Yourself# is written by Dr. Mike Bechtle. Dr. Bechtle has written other books like People Can't Drive you Crazy if you Do Not Give Them the Keys, I Wish He had Come with Instructions The Women's Guide to a Man's Brain. This book is written to help people understand why they people please and what people pleasing does to your life and relationships with others. He addresses the blocks to communication and what is needed to change from these ways of relating to others. The author shares how He people pleases with others. The book is personable and well written. This book was given to me to read and review. It is a helpful tool for counselors , pastors . Thank you to the author, publisher and netgalley for allowing me to read and review this book.

[Debra Southern · Rating 5 out of 5]

As I read the back cover, I was shaking my head yes, at one time this was me. Somewhere early in my life, I took on the thinking that my self-worth came from pleasing others. I thought if I performed everything right, than I would be liked. I became a martyr of people pleasing. My self-worth was low and I didn't like me. I had to learn the hard way.
I wish I had the advice Dr. Bechtle gives throughout this book. His words about finding your self-worth from the inside out, gives one a completely different perspective on the subject. Chapter by Chapter, he lays out the how and the why of ones love for people pleasing is unhealthy and ends with a proactive way of healing, so you can reach out, without loosing's oneself. #ThePeoplePleasersGuide
https://www.facebook.com/mike.bechtle

[Michelle Nietert · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a professional counselor and a big fan of working on healthy boundaries, I really liked this book especially the section on our needs and the fears that drive them. The author does a great job of not only identifying five different fears that spur people on towards people pleasing, he also provides practical solutions and ways to work on this very human struggle.

The chapters that author includes that are often left out of this work are 1) how community and connection protect us from people pleasing 2) the importance of focus in empowering us to stand our ground and 3) the need for self care in order to have the energy to avoid the inborn instinct in some personality types to please.

Michelle Nietert, LPC-S

[Susie Bechtle-Mason · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me at hello. Actually, it had me wanting to put it down because I was looking at an uncomfortable quiz score that showed I was definitely a people pleaser, and not necessarily for the right reasons. I was able to pick it back up and start reading the remedy for this. And was relieved that I could, in fact, become a recovering people pleaser and not lose who I was. Mike has artfully provided not only explanations through his storytelling abilities, but hope of moving into a healthier place with easy to follow building blocks. I recommend this book to all those who have a hard time saying no and end up exhausted, worn out, and just plain beat down. I would put it right up there with Cloud’s and Townsend’s Boundaries. I’m even giving a copy to my therapist.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first flipped the book to the table of contents, my eyes filled with tears. I knew the author understood my struggles as a people pleaser just from the titles in Part 2 (“I Need You to Notice Me,” etc). The contents didn’t disappoint. Instead of telling us to stop caring about pleasing others and to just focus on ourselves (like other common advice about people pleasing), this book invites us to a place of wholeness, health, and joy. We are invited to find greater security, to address the underlying fears that drive us to unhealthy people pleasing, and to learn to love others from an overflowing well.
I did receive an advance copy from the publisher. However, this review is my own honest opinion and I highly recommend this book.

[Andi Buerger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I'd had this book many, many years ago because the path to breaking the "people pleasing pattern" is a tough road without genuinely good guidance or tools. This book does both! "Tiny choices" is absolutely spot on. As someone who endured a violent and abusive background, pleasing others was the "safe" way to hide, to protect myself, and to make sure I was (at the very least) liked. For the moment anyway. This book is a gentle guide to healthy self beliefs including not living with regrets and provides more salient nuggets than one review can hold. Get the book. If not for you, for someone else who may be lost in the unfulfilling trap of people pleasing.

[Patti Pierce · Rating 5 out of 5]

As I began reading this book, I found wisdom and inspiration through the pages of this book. Too often we find ourselves caught up in pleasing others rather than examining what provides our own self-worth. The author helps provide insight into our need to please others while offering ways to determine and build on our own self-worth. I feel everyone can benefit from this book.

I felt the advice was sound and the storytelling aspects of the book engaged me as I was reading. The author helps provide insights into ways we can make people-pleasing a positive thing in our lives.

So check it out for yourself.

[Leslie Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Bechtle writes from the heart.
He provides clear strategies for people who want to learn to use their people-pleasing bents for good--for themselves and the good of others. He leads the readers to understand that there is another way to overcome hindering people-pleasing tendencies than to become selfish or self-centered. That is to find value in our uniqueness and to use it to serve others. I will be using this book in the counseling office, and I recommend it if you are trying to overcome the barriers in your life caused by hindering people-pleasing tendencies.
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[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had this book years ago. It's so hard for me to say No when people want me to do something for them. This book is full of helpful information and reminds you that there is no such thing as a conflict free relationship.
What stayed with me was to ask myself if I really want to do what I'm asked and to say no if it's not.
This is a very helpful book that I highly recommend to everyone. Thank you Dr. Mike Bechtle and Baker Publishing Group-Revell via NetGalley for the complimentary copy of this book. All opinions expressed are my own.

[Lysa Rigo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a recovering people pleaser, so when I got the chance to get an advanced copy of this book, by Dr. Mike Bechtle, from the publisher, I quickly raised my hand. Reading this book is like sitting by the fireplace with an old friend listening to stories and wisdom. He starts the first few chapters with an assessment, moves into fears people pleasers have, and then discusses 10 building blocks for people pleasers to become the healthiest versions of themselves. It’s definitely worth the read for the people pleasers in your lives.

[Angelina Jade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh how I wish I could have read this book years ago. I have always been a do what it takes to make people happy regardless of what really should be done or said. It’s good to know we can help and love on people and actually make them happy without sacrificing your own happiness and mental health. Please get a copy and dig in. This book has helped me take a look and redo my always yes I’ll do it answers. A great read from an amazing author! Wish I could give this 100 stars! 💕🥰

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a recovering people pleaser, I appreciated the practical wisdom in this book. When you want to recover from people pleasing, you may find the wrong information that leads you more toward self-love than honoring God and others. This book points you in the healthiest possible direction, with down-to-earth advice and encouraging stories.

I received a preview copy of The People Pleaser’s Guide from the publisher.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been a lifelong people pleaser... So many times I said yes when inside I wanted to say no... Then when I said no, I felt the worst guilt for doing so... This book hooked me from the beginning and I learned valuable skills so that the first person I please after God is myself.

Thank you, Mike, for sharing your gift and insight... I am a changed person!

[Lori Loomis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a treasure chest of information and practical application! As a recovering people pleaser, I was reminded of principles that I had learned earlier but failed to put into practice. And then the "new-to-me" insights have caused me to do much introspection. I've already applied some of them and see the positive results. I highly recommend this book!

[Quantrilla Ard, The PhD Mamma · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a struggling people pleaser, this guide helped me understand that there is nothing wrong with me! Whew! I was able to identify my motivations behind my actions and that was the most important part! I’m so glad I came across this message, it was right on time. When you know better, you can do better!

[Karin Bright · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really like the way the author describes why we may be people pleased and that it isn't necessarily bad but not to lose ourselves in the process. Still reading, will add more soon but so far i recommend it highly!

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book! I was fortunate to have an advanced copy of the book and let me tell you it was so good. As a recovering People pleaser, this book is full of wisdom and help. I was immediately drawn into the book and had so many moments of identifying and then clarity. A great book!

[Rhys · Rating 5 out of 5]

All my life I've been a people-pleaser and I (stupidly) just assumed that it was just me, 'why would anyone put themselves first when it comes to someone you love' I used to think, but I understand now that its the catalyst and a one-way street to people-pleasing complete strangers just to get that fix of approval.

I really urge anyone thats struggling with constant negative thoughts, caring too much about what people think or never thinking you're enough to read this. Everything Mike Bechtle rang true for me and so it was massively comfortable to have proof that I'm not alone and proof that people-pleasing can be managed.

[Bethy Swaz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had good practical strategies included; one of the main takeaways, which I will incorporate in my day-to-day life of neverending people pleasing, is to refuse an invitation without feeling the need to give an over the top reason.
I am a chronic overexplainer, and so going into 2024 I will try to say, 'Sorry I can't make it' (without giving a life story as to why).
I will also think VERY carefully before committing to plans rather than immediately saying yes. I will be a no person from now on. NO. There I said it. New Year, new me.

[Lia K Cook · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book takes you into the people pleaser’s heart and mind, and then gives you the tools and strategies to find your own personal value. My two favorite takeaways: “External change just happens. Internal change is a choice.” And, (I’m paraphrasing here) instead of burning ourselves out helping everyone else, what is the one significant thing you’ve been working on that if you figured it out and finished it would change everything else in your life for the better?