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How We Do Family: From Adoption to Trans Pregnancy, What We Learned about Love and LGBTQ Parenthood
As featured in People magazine : One LGBTQ family’s inspiring, heartfelt story of the many alternative paths that lead to a loving family, with lessons for every parent
Trystan and Biff had been dating for just a year when the couple learned that Biff’s niece and nephew were about to be removed from their home by Child Protective Services. Immediately, Trystan and Biff took in one-year-old Hailey and three-year-old Lucas, becoming caregivers overnight to two tiny survivors of abuse and neglect.
From this unexpected start, the young couple built a loving marriage and happy home—learning to parent on the job. They adopted Hailey and Lucas, tied the knot, and soon decided to try for a baby that Trystan, who is transgender, would carry. Trystan’s groundbreaking pregnancy attracted media fanfare, and the family welcomed baby Leo in 2017.
In this inspiring memoir, Trystan shares his unique story alongside universal lessons that will help all parents through the trials of raising children. How We Do Family is a refreshing new take on family life for the LGBTQ community and beyond. Through every tough moment and touching memory, Trystan shows that more important than getting things right is doing them with love.
Trystan and Biff had been dating for just a year when the couple learned that Biff’s niece and nephew were about to be removed from their home by Child Protective Services. Immediately, Trystan and Biff took in one-year-old Hailey and three-year-old Lucas, becoming caregivers overnight to two tiny survivors of abuse and neglect.
From this unexpected start, the young couple built a loving marriage and happy home—learning to parent on the job. They adopted Hailey and Lucas, tied the knot, and soon decided to try for a baby that Trystan, who is transgender, would carry. Trystan’s groundbreaking pregnancy attracted media fanfare, and the family welcomed baby Leo in 2017.
In this inspiring memoir, Trystan shares his unique story alongside universal lessons that will help all parents through the trials of raising children. How We Do Family is a refreshing new take on family life for the LGBTQ community and beyond. Through every tough moment and touching memory, Trystan shows that more important than getting things right is doing them with love.
240 pages, Hardcover
Published June 29, 2021
6 people are currently reading
1437 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
June 16, 2021
As a trans person, I have a hard time imagining my future. Their are so few examples of trans adults who are happy with a family. We are constantly fed this cishet family ideal and it makes it hard for people like me to find how we fit into that. This book really helped be able to picture a future family for myself.
September 4, 2021
(3.5) We mostly have Trystan Reese to thank for the existence of the pregnant man emoji. A community organizer who works on anti-racist and LGBTQ justice campaigns, Reese is a trans man married to a man named Biff. They expanded their family in two unexpected ways: first by adopting Biff’s niece and nephew when his sister’s situation of poverty and drug abuse meant she couldn’t take care of them, and then by getting pregnant in the natural (is that even the appropriate word?) way.
All along, Reese sought to be transparent about the journey, with a crowdfunding project and podcast ahead of the adoption, and media coverage of the pregnancy. This opened the family up to a lot of online hatred. I found myself most interested in the account of the pregnancy itself, and how it might have healed or exacerbated a sense of bodily trauma. Reese was careful to have only in-the-know and affirming people in the delivery room so there would be no surprises for anyone. His doctor was such an ally that he offered to create a more gender-affirming C-section scar (vertical rather than horizontal) if it came to it. How to maintain a sense of male identity while giving birth? Well, Reese told Biff not to look at his crotch during the delivery, and decided not to breastfeed.
I realized when reading this and Detransition, Baby that my view of trans people is mostly post-op because of the only trans person I know personally, but a lot of people choose never to get surgical confirmation of gender (or maybe surgery is more common among trans women?). We’ve got to get past the obsession with genitals. As Reese writes, “we are just loving humans, like every human throughout all of time, who have brought a new life into this world. Nothing more than that, and nothing less. Just humans.”
This is a very fluid, quick read. The author recreates scenes and conversations with aplomb, and there are self-help sections after most chapters about how to be flexible and have productive dialogue within a family and with strangers. If literary prose and academic-level engagement with the issues are what you’re after, you’ll want to head to Maggie Nelson’s The Argonauts instead, but I also appreciated Reese’s unpretentious firsthand view.
(And here’s further evidence of my own bias: the whole time I was reading, I felt sure that Reese must be the figure on the right with reddish hair, since that looked like a person who could once have been a woman. But when I finished reading I looked up photos; there are many online of Reese during pregnancy. And NOPE, he is the bearded, black-haired one! That’ll teach me to make assumptions.)
All along, Reese sought to be transparent about the journey, with a crowdfunding project and podcast ahead of the adoption, and media coverage of the pregnancy. This opened the family up to a lot of online hatred. I found myself most interested in the account of the pregnancy itself, and how it might have healed or exacerbated a sense of bodily trauma. Reese was careful to have only in-the-know and affirming people in the delivery room so there would be no surprises for anyone. His doctor was such an ally that he offered to create a more gender-affirming C-section scar (vertical rather than horizontal) if it came to it. How to maintain a sense of male identity while giving birth? Well, Reese told Biff not to look at his crotch during the delivery, and decided not to breastfeed.
I realized when reading this and Detransition, Baby that my view of trans people is mostly post-op because of the only trans person I know personally, but a lot of people choose never to get surgical confirmation of gender (or maybe surgery is more common among trans women?). We’ve got to get past the obsession with genitals. As Reese writes, “we are just loving humans, like every human throughout all of time, who have brought a new life into this world. Nothing more than that, and nothing less. Just humans.”
This is a very fluid, quick read. The author recreates scenes and conversations with aplomb, and there are self-help sections after most chapters about how to be flexible and have productive dialogue within a family and with strangers. If literary prose and academic-level engagement with the issues are what you’re after, you’ll want to head to Maggie Nelson’s The Argonauts instead, but I also appreciated Reese’s unpretentious firsthand view.
(And here’s further evidence of my own bias: the whole time I was reading, I felt sure that Reese must be the figure on the right with reddish hair, since that looked like a person who could once have been a woman. But when I finished reading I looked up photos; there are many online of Reese during pregnancy. And NOPE, he is the bearded, black-haired one! That’ll teach me to make assumptions.)
May 29, 2021
So yes, I have just pulled a all nighter (1-4am) to read this book like honestly I wasn't able to put it down man.
It really shows how much your “average Joe soap” couple here were able to overcome the challenges they faced throughout their time being together. They were able to adopt two children through unfortunate circumstances with their mother, they suffered a miscarriage (cried buckets while reading this part btw), suffered backlash from trolls online when they were expecting their first birth child, you name it. It just is such a captivating real life story that I advise everyone should take a read at and I’m talking about people who are planning to adopt or have a child of their own. We have to take into account though that every couple of course, is different on how they plan their own lives. Trystan and Biff are no different!
If you are a reader real life lifestyle stories, I highly suggest you take a look at this book as you would learn a thing or two from this family regardless of their background!!
Thanks Netgalley and publisher for giving me this book to read!
It really shows how much your “average Joe soap” couple here were able to overcome the challenges they faced throughout their time being together. They were able to adopt two children through unfortunate circumstances with their mother, they suffered a miscarriage (cried buckets while reading this part btw), suffered backlash from trolls online when they were expecting their first birth child, you name it. It just is such a captivating real life story that I advise everyone should take a read at and I’m talking about people who are planning to adopt or have a child of their own. We have to take into account though that every couple of course, is different on how they plan their own lives. Trystan and Biff are no different!
If you are a reader real life lifestyle stories, I highly suggest you take a look at this book as you would learn a thing or two from this family regardless of their background!!
Thanks Netgalley and publisher for giving me this book to read!
May 28, 2021
** I received an ARC of this book from the publisher, because I am a librarian and librarians are awesome **
This was a pretty basic memoir with direct prose and not a lot of style points in the writing, but the direct, easy-to-read style worked well with Trystan's story.
I confess, I picked this up because there is some level of gawker/rubbernecking at "pregnant men," and I was interested in learning and reading more from a first person perspective. Guess what? Partnerships and parenting and pregnancy are pretty universal, no matter who is having them, and that's kind of the point, isn't it? I especially liked the chapter interludes that were part therapist, part cheerleader.
If you're a homophobe or transphobe, you likely won't pick up this book. But if you DO, you'll find nothing but gentleness and continued reminders of the humanity and sameness of all people. And maybe that's the point.
A reassuring affirmation that family is family is family.
This was a pretty basic memoir with direct prose and not a lot of style points in the writing, but the direct, easy-to-read style worked well with Trystan's story.
I confess, I picked this up because there is some level of gawker/rubbernecking at "pregnant men," and I was interested in learning and reading more from a first person perspective. Guess what? Partnerships and parenting and pregnancy are pretty universal, no matter who is having them, and that's kind of the point, isn't it? I especially liked the chapter interludes that were part therapist, part cheerleader.
If you're a homophobe or transphobe, you likely won't pick up this book. But if you DO, you'll find nothing but gentleness and continued reminders of the humanity and sameness of all people. And maybe that's the point.
A reassuring affirmation that family is family is family.
July 16, 2021
I requested this book in NetGalley without realizing that I *knew* this story from and awful press piece from 2017. But now, thanks to this arc, I got to know this story from the perspectives of one of its participants, without the press biases.
The author, a trans man, tells the story of his family, since he met the love of his life, the process of adoption of his husband's niece and nephew, and his pregnancy.
It's a really interesting book, like a glimpse into realities that may not be familiar for a lot of us, and makes you learn a lot about empathy and, above everything, about love.
On the other side, it's really well written, and it's really entertaining to read—I couldn't put it down, and I've been a really slow reader lately.
So, I recommend it for anyone who wants an honest, real, sometimes a little brutal but mostly heartwarming read about "unconventional" families and love.
The author, a trans man, tells the story of his family, since he met the love of his life, the process of adoption of his husband's niece and nephew, and his pregnancy.
It's a really interesting book, like a glimpse into realities that may not be familiar for a lot of us, and makes you learn a lot about empathy and, above everything, about love.
On the other side, it's really well written, and it's really entertaining to read—I couldn't put it down, and I've been a really slow reader lately.
So, I recommend it for anyone who wants an honest, real, sometimes a little brutal but mostly heartwarming read about "unconventional" families and love.
July 29, 2021
It's such an interesting story, and I read it quickly. However, the tone often felt self-righteous to me. The title might've been a clue that this isn't just a story; it is full of instructions of how we can all use Trystan's life lessons, and I found that annoying. Also, all mentions of emotions sounded like someone who had been to a lot of therapy! I mean, therapy is good, I just didn't feel like I was seeing his real emotions, just very, very processed ones.
March 4, 2022
I’m taking a class on parenting in school so please just ignore like 40% of what I’m reading
September 6, 2021
A moving combination memoir/parenting book about swift and sudden parenthood when the author and his partner take in an unwell family member's children, becoming fathers overnight, while also navigating these glorious obstacles as a gay trans/cis couple. There are not enough stories like Reese's that are public and accessible-- this family built on love does not have the typical gay adoption narrative, bringing trans pregnancy into the mix, something that is still seen as taboo to the masses, and hasn't been heavily studied on a medical scale. How We Do Family is a happy-tear-inducing love story both romantic and familial, and in sharing it with the world, Reese has given readers a truly original gift.
March 23, 2023
Solid 3.5
February 10, 2024
Inspired
May 3, 2021
Note: I received an ARC of this book via netgalley and the publisher in exchange for my honest review.
Trystan Reese could have written a great novel, instead he has given his readers a fascinating account of life with his husband and the their three children. It was a wonderful story to read, devoid of any unnecessary drama; just a factual telling of his experiences that at the same time manages to be full of heart.
Both Biff and Trystan have a background in organizing, community building, social work and anti-racism and pro-lgbtq outreach and education. As such they are intelligent, caring people heavily involved in their community, which helped a lot when they suddenly took in two foster children and were thrown into the deep end of parenthood over night.
Trystan talks honestly about the challenges they had to face and what a strain was put on their relationship. He also shows how they managed to overcome these difficulties. Each chapter has a section at the end with additional information or helpful suggestions which I found helpful and often inspiring.
Personally, I don't blink an eye at gay and transgender parenthood, although I am aware that this may be a new perspective for many readers - I actually hope so. MY favorite part of the book were the chapters that dealt with Trystan's pregnancy. It took me completely by surprise (this is where I see I need to keep reading and learning) and to be able to see a man go through pregnancy was fascinating. Pregnancy is the one thing ordinarily,that a woman simply can't explain to her male partner.
I also appreciated the parenting choices Trystan describes for all three of their children. It's a goal to reach for in the parenting of my own children.
This is a book for LGBTQ+ readers, those interested in social justice, parents, couples, teens and everyone else. I can't recommend this book enough for the joy of reading this family's story, the information it shares and the inspiration it provides. I will definitely keep coming back to this book.
Trystan Reese could have written a great novel, instead he has given his readers a fascinating account of life with his husband and the their three children. It was a wonderful story to read, devoid of any unnecessary drama; just a factual telling of his experiences that at the same time manages to be full of heart.
Both Biff and Trystan have a background in organizing, community building, social work and anti-racism and pro-lgbtq outreach and education. As such they are intelligent, caring people heavily involved in their community, which helped a lot when they suddenly took in two foster children and were thrown into the deep end of parenthood over night.
Trystan talks honestly about the challenges they had to face and what a strain was put on their relationship. He also shows how they managed to overcome these difficulties. Each chapter has a section at the end with additional information or helpful suggestions which I found helpful and often inspiring.
Personally, I don't blink an eye at gay and transgender parenthood, although I am aware that this may be a new perspective for many readers - I actually hope so. MY favorite part of the book were the chapters that dealt with Trystan's pregnancy. It took me completely by surprise (this is where I see I need to keep reading and learning) and to be able to see a man go through pregnancy was fascinating. Pregnancy is the one thing ordinarily,that a woman simply can't explain to her male partner.
I also appreciated the parenting choices Trystan describes for all three of their children. It's a goal to reach for in the parenting of my own children.
This is a book for LGBTQ+ readers, those interested in social justice, parents, couples, teens and everyone else. I can't recommend this book enough for the joy of reading this family's story, the information it shares and the inspiration it provides. I will definitely keep coming back to this book.
July 8, 2021
Maybe 4,5 stars but I'll round it up for support and because I'm so glad this book exists.
April 30, 2021
I found this to be an excellent read.
I personally am familiar with trans issues and terminology, but I thought Trystan did an excellent job in being clear on trans related terms and definitions for people who may not be as familiar.
The writing was very clear and straightforward, this was a super easy read. I was able to read it in two short sittings. I loved Trystan’s voice and honesty. As somebody who is also trans, I really connected with his struggles about being visible and facing discrimination. This book was on the shorter side, which helped it from getting dull or repetitive.
I’d recommend this book for anybody looking to educate themselves on trans issues or LGBT issues in general.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advanced e-book in exchange for an honest review.
I personally am familiar with trans issues and terminology, but I thought Trystan did an excellent job in being clear on trans related terms and definitions for people who may not be as familiar.
The writing was very clear and straightforward, this was a super easy read. I was able to read it in two short sittings. I loved Trystan’s voice and honesty. As somebody who is also trans, I really connected with his struggles about being visible and facing discrimination. This book was on the shorter side, which helped it from getting dull or repetitive.
I’d recommend this book for anybody looking to educate themselves on trans issues or LGBT issues in general.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advanced e-book in exchange for an honest review.
July 25, 2021
Trystan is a great storyteller and after following his family on instagram for a while, I enjoyed reading their story this way. You can tell by the way he writes that Trystan has worked hard on understanding himself and how to communicate, which I like. I can't imagine the stress he goes through by being out and vocal about his pregnancy and family, but I am glad that he is.
April 13, 2021
Five Stars! I could not put this book down! I read it in less than a day. This will be one of the books that I will never forget and will recommend to others.
Trystan’s writing style had an easy flow and it felt like he was talking to a friend. He told stories about his family and relationship while providing advice that anyone can benefit from. He definitely gave me a lot of things to think about in my life – how I parent, have a relationship, listen to others, be a friend, etc. There were so many great lessons!
I also learned a lot about what it means to be transgender and some of the obstacles he has had to face. I remember reading the article about the man having a baby a few years ago but this book was an amazing way to learn more about the challenges Trystan faced in order to deliver his son. It also provided me guidance as to how I should talk to transgender people about certain topics – very thought provoking.
I volunteer in child welfare and enjoyed reading about Tystan and Biff’s journey to foster and adopt their niece and nephew.
I plan to recommend this book to some many people. There are lessons in here for high schools students, recent college grads, new parents, foster parents, people who want to learn about transgender, the list goes on and on….
Buy the book, you won’t be disappointed.
I received an advanced copy of this ebook from Net Galley in exchange for my honest review.
Trystan’s writing style had an easy flow and it felt like he was talking to a friend. He told stories about his family and relationship while providing advice that anyone can benefit from. He definitely gave me a lot of things to think about in my life – how I parent, have a relationship, listen to others, be a friend, etc. There were so many great lessons!
I also learned a lot about what it means to be transgender and some of the obstacles he has had to face. I remember reading the article about the man having a baby a few years ago but this book was an amazing way to learn more about the challenges Trystan faced in order to deliver his son. It also provided me guidance as to how I should talk to transgender people about certain topics – very thought provoking.
I volunteer in child welfare and enjoyed reading about Tystan and Biff’s journey to foster and adopt their niece and nephew.
I plan to recommend this book to some many people. There are lessons in here for high schools students, recent college grads, new parents, foster parents, people who want to learn about transgender, the list goes on and on….
Buy the book, you won’t be disappointed.
I received an advanced copy of this ebook from Net Galley in exchange for my honest review.
April 15, 2021
Overall, a really educational and interesting read.
The writing was nice and easy to follow, it mainly consisted of personal anecdotes which could be applied to many situations. Each page was necessary, there was no 'filler' content in this book - there is so much to be learned here; regardless of age or identity.
I would recommend for anyone endeavouring to learn more about the LGBT community / further educate themselves on trans issues.
Many thanks to NetGallery for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review :)
The writing was nice and easy to follow, it mainly consisted of personal anecdotes which could be applied to many situations. Each page was necessary, there was no 'filler' content in this book - there is so much to be learned here; regardless of age or identity.
I would recommend for anyone endeavouring to learn more about the LGBT community / further educate themselves on trans issues.
Many thanks to NetGallery for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review :)
April 13, 2021
This was an interesting and quick read. Trystan Reese writes about his fame as "the pregnant man," but I somehow missed the memo about his appearances in the media and on podcasts. But the description of the book was intriguing, so I picked it up and was delighted by the family's positive and hopeful story. I plan to go back and listen to the podcasts where Trystan and his husband/partner Biff appear. Trystan seems like just an overall awesome human being, and I enjoyed his parenting advice and the story of his relationship with Biff and how they made their family.
November 16, 2025
Book about a timely topic marred by basically the same dynamic as a hetero stay at home versus working parent. Found myself disliking the author for not appreciating how much his partner was shouldering all the time with the kids, and that their major conflict was when he wanted a third and the partner was (initially) unsure. I don't think he truly appreciates how much WORK kids are. Maybe I overidentified, but basically, felt like any cis man cis woman fathering book from the 50s, could have been subtitled, "Trans Men Can Mansplain Too." His partner sounds lovely though, and the love story/partnership is really sweet. I just wish there had been more about the parent-child relationship and family love. (The little girl is adorable.) And no one deserves the harassment they got.
September 24, 2021
How We Do Family is another fabulous title I found at my local library. I needed a new audio book and couldn't resist. I love memoirs that share from the heart, especially ones that open the door for me on unique lives beyond what I have personally experienced. I believe strongly in celebrating diversity and this book does just that. Here is a marriage and family full of love that is truly unique. I am so glad in North America the freedom for them to build this life together exists.
This book is about more than just celebrating their family, though. It is an open and honest discussion of what the journey of finding each other and building this life together was like - both the highs and the lows. Meeting, falling into an instant family not long into their relationship, the changes to their relationship parenthood brought, and the financial and many step process to full adoption is covered. Trystan shares openly about their roller coaster ride and how they continued to find their way together. What he shares holds a lot of truth for all couples.
When they chose to share Trystan's pregnancy publicly, the social media trolls came out in full force. Anyone who has been pregnant knows the emotional ride it is even when uneventful. Add in being judged in the court of public opinion, trying to protect your two adopted kids, and working to build a positive birthing team that would supportive of a trans man's unique pregnancy journey, and you get a glimpse into the pressure they were under.
This is a book I will be revisiting as it's a story of love and joy. Deep in my heart I hope more and more people who have chosen unique paths will chose to step bravely out of the shadows to share. It's not easy, but it is the only way to help others see how beautiful humanity's diversity is. Love is a constant, not owned by one segment of society. And it will continue to find new ways of expression.
This book is about more than just celebrating their family, though. It is an open and honest discussion of what the journey of finding each other and building this life together was like - both the highs and the lows. Meeting, falling into an instant family not long into their relationship, the changes to their relationship parenthood brought, and the financial and many step process to full adoption is covered. Trystan shares openly about their roller coaster ride and how they continued to find their way together. What he shares holds a lot of truth for all couples.
When they chose to share Trystan's pregnancy publicly, the social media trolls came out in full force. Anyone who has been pregnant knows the emotional ride it is even when uneventful. Add in being judged in the court of public opinion, trying to protect your two adopted kids, and working to build a positive birthing team that would supportive of a trans man's unique pregnancy journey, and you get a glimpse into the pressure they were under.
This is a book I will be revisiting as it's a story of love and joy. Deep in my heart I hope more and more people who have chosen unique paths will chose to step bravely out of the shadows to share. It's not easy, but it is the only way to help others see how beautiful humanity's diversity is. Love is a constant, not owned by one segment of society. And it will continue to find new ways of expression.
June 28, 2021
A quick read, emotional and honest, and a beautiful view into a loving family.
I went into this read having not followed at the time the news/media surrounding Trystan's public discussion of being pregnant as a man, but in my own life being closely aware of trans issues. Overall, this book deals in an approachable and relatable way with these and other topics, without requiring prior knowledge (the inclusion of label definitions is always appreciated!), but is also interesting and engaging for those with knowledge of these topics.
I spent moments of my read absolutely giddy - love and hope absolutely shine through the pages. And I spent moments trying desperately not to cry - because sometimes the world has bad things in it. This book brings you right into each moment, without sugarcoating or flourishing needlessly.
This was a relatively short/fast read, divided into digestible chunks. It was easy to read quickly, but also easy to take a break between chapters to consider the topics engaged with in each section.
A couple of cons for me:
- There were some jumps in the timeline in earlier chapters that had me a bit confused about what had or hadn't happened yet - especially because the vast majority is told chronologically.
- I wasn't completely sold on the 'Recommendations' set out between chapters. I was expecting more of a pure memoir, but between each chapter there are some outlined suggestions tying into each chapter's topic (parenting, support, activism, etc). They weren't bad suggestions, I just found it a bit jarring the way they were outlined in such a different style from the rest of each chapter.
Thanks to NetGalley & the publisher for access to the eBook ARC.
I went into this read having not followed at the time the news/media surrounding Trystan's public discussion of being pregnant as a man, but in my own life being closely aware of trans issues. Overall, this book deals in an approachable and relatable way with these and other topics, without requiring prior knowledge (the inclusion of label definitions is always appreciated!), but is also interesting and engaging for those with knowledge of these topics.
I spent moments of my read absolutely giddy - love and hope absolutely shine through the pages. And I spent moments trying desperately not to cry - because sometimes the world has bad things in it. This book brings you right into each moment, without sugarcoating or flourishing needlessly.
This was a relatively short/fast read, divided into digestible chunks. It was easy to read quickly, but also easy to take a break between chapters to consider the topics engaged with in each section.
A couple of cons for me:
- There were some jumps in the timeline in earlier chapters that had me a bit confused about what had or hadn't happened yet - especially because the vast majority is told chronologically.
- I wasn't completely sold on the 'Recommendations' set out between chapters. I was expecting more of a pure memoir, but between each chapter there are some outlined suggestions tying into each chapter's topic (parenting, support, activism, etc). They weren't bad suggestions, I just found it a bit jarring the way they were outlined in such a different style from the rest of each chapter.
Thanks to NetGalley & the publisher for access to the eBook ARC.
July 7, 2021
I have been following Trystan on social media for a few years. I was initially drawn in by my curiosity about trans pregnancy, but soon came to admire both him and Biff for their candor, honesty and overwhelming love for their family. Of course, I had to read, "How We Do Family".
As with so many LGBTQIA topics, this is a book is long overdue and I applaud Trystan and his family for sharing their story. It is both a detailed memoir and a informational guide to relationships and parenting. Trystan and Biff lives are no less than extraordinary.
While reading the book, you feel as though you are sitting across from Trystan, listening to him relate cherished memories of how he and Biff met, fell in love, married and had a family. But things were far from simple or easy and the difficulties that they experienced are not glossed over. Homophobia and transphobia are so ugly. Goodness shall prevail-my favorite part of the book is the adoption of their niece and nephew and how the children have flourished!
I hope people realize how selfless and brave one must be to write a book like this. No doubt it will trigger harassment of this amazing family. It is my hope that that "How We Do Family" will not only assist trans people in starting their own families, but that it will enlighten those that live in fear and ignorance.
As with so many LGBTQIA topics, this is a book is long overdue and I applaud Trystan and his family for sharing their story. It is both a detailed memoir and a informational guide to relationships and parenting. Trystan and Biff lives are no less than extraordinary.
While reading the book, you feel as though you are sitting across from Trystan, listening to him relate cherished memories of how he and Biff met, fell in love, married and had a family. But things were far from simple or easy and the difficulties that they experienced are not glossed over. Homophobia and transphobia are so ugly. Goodness shall prevail-my favorite part of the book is the adoption of their niece and nephew and how the children have flourished!
I hope people realize how selfless and brave one must be to write a book like this. No doubt it will trigger harassment of this amazing family. It is my hope that that "How We Do Family" will not only assist trans people in starting their own families, but that it will enlighten those that live in fear and ignorance.
June 19, 2021
Eloquent,, heart-warming and informative.
I am totally impressed by this compassionate, faithful couple.
Trystan's story places emphasis on being sensitive, forgiving, and cultivating an attitude of humility. To be honest, I cried when I read how Lucas and Hailey struggled before stability came into their lives. I'm so glad that Biff and Trystan were there for them and became their "fearless protective warriors".
It is possible to take the broken shards of glass you've been given and craft a mosaic from the pieces - something more beautiful than what was there before.
I loved Biff's text to Trystan pre-relationship:
So, I sense that there is an attraction between us, on your part at least. And I appreciate the attention, I really do. But I am in a relationship and I owe it to him to let that relationship play out. I ask that you respect that relationship and stop flirting with me entirely. Thanks.
PS The Trans Language notes were really helpful. These included explanations of assigned sex at birth, gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation. And a big thank-you to Goodreads and the author for allowing me to win a copy of this wonderful book.
I am totally impressed by this compassionate, faithful couple.
Trystan's story places emphasis on being sensitive, forgiving, and cultivating an attitude of humility. To be honest, I cried when I read how Lucas and Hailey struggled before stability came into their lives. I'm so glad that Biff and Trystan were there for them and became their "fearless protective warriors".
It is possible to take the broken shards of glass you've been given and craft a mosaic from the pieces - something more beautiful than what was there before.
I loved Biff's text to Trystan pre-relationship:
So, I sense that there is an attraction between us, on your part at least. And I appreciate the attention, I really do. But I am in a relationship and I owe it to him to let that relationship play out. I ask that you respect that relationship and stop flirting with me entirely. Thanks.
PS The Trans Language notes were really helpful. These included explanations of assigned sex at birth, gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation. And a big thank-you to Goodreads and the author for allowing me to win a copy of this wonderful book.
November 7, 2021
I want to first thank The Experiment and NetGalley for giving me access to this book for free in exchange for an honest review.
(Note: Due to life events, I was not able to post this review immediately after finishing the book.)
I deeply appreciated the honestly that the reader feels from Trystan. He is open about the mistakes he made in thoughts, words, and actions. And, as he himself points out, people who are part of minority groups that face discrimination often feel the pressure to be perfect so as to not give 'people' further ammunition to attack them. So, his bravery to include the bad along with the good is amazing. But, I think it also makes it a better book because it doesn't try to hide the truth - which I think is important.
I liked the format of each chapter. How it focused in on the next overall step in the process - which kept the story moving linearly, but also gave it shape, making it easier to follow and understand. I thought it was great that at the end of each chapter he included his thoughts about what he learned and advise he feels could be helpful to others.
I've recommended this book already to some people and will continue to do so.
(Note: Due to life events, I was not able to post this review immediately after finishing the book.)
I deeply appreciated the honestly that the reader feels from Trystan. He is open about the mistakes he made in thoughts, words, and actions. And, as he himself points out, people who are part of minority groups that face discrimination often feel the pressure to be perfect so as to not give 'people' further ammunition to attack them. So, his bravery to include the bad along with the good is amazing. But, I think it also makes it a better book because it doesn't try to hide the truth - which I think is important.
I liked the format of each chapter. How it focused in on the next overall step in the process - which kept the story moving linearly, but also gave it shape, making it easier to follow and understand. I thought it was great that at the end of each chapter he included his thoughts about what he learned and advise he feels could be helpful to others.
I've recommended this book already to some people and will continue to do so.
June 7, 2021
I didn't expect a memoir of some guy I don't know anything about to make me so....emotional? But it did and it was bliss.
This was is a captivating story of love and family and also a really important story about one man's experience as a trans parent and pregnant person. Honestly, I could not put it down. I'm not a parent, but i thought it was cool how he mixed parenting advice and important notes about language and LGBTQ+ terminology with the stories he shares. While it can definitely be difficult to find balance between sharing children's stories and protecting their privacy, this seemed to strike a nice balance. At several times in the book,I found myself crying some happy tears and also some sad.
I have seen trans men on TV, but always like a sideshow event--'other'. This story humanizes trans men who are pregnant, gives language to use and brings you along on the truly beautiful crazy path of becoming family--in all the different ways. I think this story is important and captivating and absolutely worth reading ASAP!
This was is a captivating story of love and family and also a really important story about one man's experience as a trans parent and pregnant person. Honestly, I could not put it down. I'm not a parent, but i thought it was cool how he mixed parenting advice and important notes about language and LGBTQ+ terminology with the stories he shares. While it can definitely be difficult to find balance between sharing children's stories and protecting their privacy, this seemed to strike a nice balance. At several times in the book,I found myself crying some happy tears and also some sad.
I have seen trans men on TV, but always like a sideshow event--'other'. This story humanizes trans men who are pregnant, gives language to use and brings you along on the truly beautiful crazy path of becoming family--in all the different ways. I think this story is important and captivating and absolutely worth reading ASAP!
April 22, 2023
Aside from an assertion early on that pansexual is replacing the term bisexual because bi isn’t “inclusive enough,” [which is very much a personal view from the author that should probably have been left out, given he identifies as neither term at any point in his account,] I did really get a lot from Trystan’s story. He very correctly tells it through his memory of the epiphany that hit him in seeing that trans women, more specifically those of color, like Laverne Cox have been the loudest, if not sometimes only voices screaming to be heard and recognized in the current day Trans Rights & Equality Movement, and I appreciate him for standing up and putting himself, and his family of Biff and kiddos more central in the public eye for their unique struggles, but very human story of obstacles overcome along the way in securing and protect their ‘modern family.’ Much praise for the efforts to always put their relationship, and the kids first, but not forgetting the love they have for each other along the way.
August 21, 2021
You will laugh, you will cry, your heart will feel full to the brim. I devoured this book in 24 hours! Half because I attended 8-9th grade with Trystan's husband Biff, half because Trystan's writing is so optimistic, captivating, educational and confident. The mental health awareness and wisdom here should not go without stating either despite the main focus being on family. Whether LGBTQ+ or not, whether raising a family or not, this book should be read by parents and trauma survivors alike. I personally related most to their son Lucas' journey, because he survived extreme early infancy traumas & displayed persistent signs of PTSD initially. Trystan's natural empathy in response to Lucas in these times brought me to tears- if only we all could be fortunate enough to be addressed with such clarity, honesty, & empathy. Lucas, Hailey & Leo are lucky children to have such loving, open, communicative parents. Thank you gentlemen for sharing your wisdom with us.
July 6, 2021
I used to follow Trystan Reese's YouTube (he hasn't posted in a while) and currently follow him on instagram, so I had some background with this family. However, this book was a delightful read that gave a greater glimpse into the emotions and experiences surrounding Reese's journey through marriage, adoption, pregnancy, birth, and parenting. This book was easy to read and I loved the additional comments at the end of each chapter giving support for growing advocacy and allyship. What is the most startling thing in reading this book is again realizing how similar life experiences can be - the day to day grind of parenting and chores and working - but how the different parents of our individual identities (as an adoptive parent or as transgender) can add layers of nuance to these day to day experiences.
August 5, 2025
Overall, the memoir covers a fairly short timeline, chronicling the highs and lows of parenting, and how those are complicated by being queer/trans. On the plus side, there's plenty of positive queer/trans representation that adds hopefulness to the conversations around different family structures. Reese is honest about the hard stuff and his own bias and background, which lends an air of vulnerability that I appreciated.
On the minus side, I really am biased toward memoirs that paint a broader picture, tie in philosophy and bigger issues, and not just tell a story of "this happened, and then this happened, and then this....". Reese's memoir falls firmly in the latter camp. So, it was fine to listen to, didn't have to think very hard, but also didn't rock my world.
On the minus side, I really am biased toward memoirs that paint a broader picture, tie in philosophy and bigger issues, and not just tell a story of "this happened, and then this happened, and then this....". Reese's memoir falls firmly in the latter camp. So, it was fine to listen to, didn't have to think very hard, but also didn't rock my world.
November 6, 2022
Thank you to Netgalley and the book’s publisher, The Experiment Publishing, for an advanced reader’s copy. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.
This is a unique book. It is the story of a transgender man in a homosexual relationship who adopt children through kinship placement. On top of parenting adopted children, this couple have a biological child. Details of societal issues during the pregnancy and birthing are well done. This did a great job opening my eyes to the challenges of a transgender individual. If you are looking for a book to enlighten you on details of the life of a LGBTQ couple, this book may be for you.
This is a unique book. It is the story of a transgender man in a homosexual relationship who adopt children through kinship placement. On top of parenting adopted children, this couple have a biological child. Details of societal issues during the pregnancy and birthing are well done. This did a great job opening my eyes to the challenges of a transgender individual. If you are looking for a book to enlighten you on details of the life of a LGBTQ couple, this book may be for you.
July 17, 2021
As an established speaker on issues of diversity, inclusion, and LGBTQ rights, Trystan Reese shares his family’s incredible story with such an educated heart. Despite the uniqueness of their own growth, he doesn’t distance themselves from the community of which he is such an important part. He stays grounded in telling how his story fits into the bigger picture. You close the book having a reassured faith in the future, and that the family is happy and whole. It’s warm, welcoming, candid, and heartfelt.
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