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Personality Isn't Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story
Psychologist and bestselling author Benjamin Hardy, PhD, debunks the pervasive myths about personality that prevent us from learning--and provides bold strategies for personal transformation
In Personality Isn't Permanent, Dr. Benjamin Hardy draws on psychological research to demolish the popular misconception that personality--a person's consistent attitudes and behaviors--is innate and unchanging. Hardy liberates us from the limiting belief that our "true selves" are to be discovered, and shows how we can intentionally create our desired selves and achieve amazing goals instead. He offers practical, science-based advice to for personal-reinvention, including:
- Why personality tests such as Myers-Briggs and Enneagram are not only psychologically destructive but are no more scientific than horoscopes
- Why you should never be the "former" anything--because defining yourself by your past successes is just as damaging to growth as being haunted by past failures
- How to design your current identity based on your desired future self and make decisions here-and-now through your new identity
- How to reframe traumatic and painful experiences into a fresh narrative supporting your future success
- How to become confident enough to define your own life's purpose
- How to create a network of "empathetic witnesses" who actively encourage you through the highs and lows of extreme growth
- How to enhance your subconscious to overcome addictions and limiting patterns
- How redesign your environment to pull you toward your future, rather than keep you stuck in the past
- How to tap into what psychologists call "pull motivation" by narrowing your focus on a single, definable, and compelling outcome
The book includes true stories of intentional self-transformation--such as Vanessa O'Brien, who quit her corporate job and set the Guinness World Record for a woman climbing the highest peak on every continent in the fastest time; Andre Norman, who became a Harvard fellow after serving a fourteen-year prison sentence; Ken Arlen, who instantly quit smoking by changing his identity narrative; and Hardy himself, who transcended his childhood in a broken home, surrounded by issues of addiction and mental illness, to earn his PhD and build a happy family.
Filled with strategies for reframing your past and designing your future, Personality Isn't Permanent is a guide to breaking free from the past and becoming the person you want to be.
In Personality Isn't Permanent, Dr. Benjamin Hardy draws on psychological research to demolish the popular misconception that personality--a person's consistent attitudes and behaviors--is innate and unchanging. Hardy liberates us from the limiting belief that our "true selves" are to be discovered, and shows how we can intentionally create our desired selves and achieve amazing goals instead. He offers practical, science-based advice to for personal-reinvention, including:
- Why personality tests such as Myers-Briggs and Enneagram are not only psychologically destructive but are no more scientific than horoscopes
- Why you should never be the "former" anything--because defining yourself by your past successes is just as damaging to growth as being haunted by past failures
- How to design your current identity based on your desired future self and make decisions here-and-now through your new identity
- How to reframe traumatic and painful experiences into a fresh narrative supporting your future success
- How to become confident enough to define your own life's purpose
- How to create a network of "empathetic witnesses" who actively encourage you through the highs and lows of extreme growth
- How to enhance your subconscious to overcome addictions and limiting patterns
- How redesign your environment to pull you toward your future, rather than keep you stuck in the past
- How to tap into what psychologists call "pull motivation" by narrowing your focus on a single, definable, and compelling outcome
The book includes true stories of intentional self-transformation--such as Vanessa O'Brien, who quit her corporate job and set the Guinness World Record for a woman climbing the highest peak on every continent in the fastest time; Andre Norman, who became a Harvard fellow after serving a fourteen-year prison sentence; Ken Arlen, who instantly quit smoking by changing his identity narrative; and Hardy himself, who transcended his childhood in a broken home, surrounded by issues of addiction and mental illness, to earn his PhD and build a happy family.
Filled with strategies for reframing your past and designing your future, Personality Isn't Permanent is a guide to breaking free from the past and becoming the person you want to be.
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First published June 16, 2020
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About the author
Benjamin P. Hardy
14 books491 followersDr. Benjamin P Hardy is an organizational psychologist with a Ph.D. from Clemson University, and a father of six. He currently lives in Windermere, Florida
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 376 reviews
February 28, 2025
The more I read the more Benjamin loses me. The concept is good - youre not stuck with personality traits for life - but as usual in these American style self-help books, the author makes the assumption that we are all impressed by MONEY, people who make lots of MONEY and people who have done EXTRAORDINARY things with their life! No we are not. Aren't we over hearing these stories about rich people who are considered proof of success? And who are going to get richer because they decided to do it! I want to hear how ordinary people changed their lives and overcame self limiting 'personalities' to live small good lives. The author with all his best intentions likely loses most of his readership with stories of scaling Mt Everest or being worth how many millions? Who cares frankly? Tell me about Katie who can relate to her kids now or Billie who has held a job for more than a year. That's what ordinary people with ordinary troubles aspire to.
That was one thing about good old Wayne Dyers early books, he gave very ordinary peoples experiences a voice. Ok so he went a bit weirdo later on....
A final note to some of the ***** reviewers, please don't review a book like this if you are the buddy of the author...I call bs on that.
That was one thing about good old Wayne Dyers early books, he gave very ordinary peoples experiences a voice. Ok so he went a bit weirdo later on....
A final note to some of the ***** reviewers, please don't review a book like this if you are the buddy of the author...I call bs on that.
July 7, 2020
2.5 stars
This book is written like a blog post trying to sell you something, complete with a whole chapter listing reasons why you should trust the dude at the beginning... I've already bought the book mate. The sale is made! Stop!
The author has very clearly never experienced actual anxiety and has a “just push through it” attitude running throughout the book and his perspectives lacking in nuance or understanding of peoples life experiences outside of his own narrow privileged view of the world and how it works.
But that being said, if you can get through the tokenistic examples of Those Who Have Made It My Way, with a sprinkling of fatphobia, there’s heaps of good advice about perspective and mindsets and how to reframe little t trauma. The journal prompts are useful and perspective shifting, and the breakdown of why personality tests are limiting is spot on.
This book is written like a blog post trying to sell you something, complete with a whole chapter listing reasons why you should trust the dude at the beginning... I've already bought the book mate. The sale is made! Stop!
The author has very clearly never experienced actual anxiety and has a “just push through it” attitude running throughout the book and his perspectives lacking in nuance or understanding of peoples life experiences outside of his own narrow privileged view of the world and how it works.
But that being said, if you can get through the tokenistic examples of Those Who Have Made It My Way, with a sprinkling of fatphobia, there’s heaps of good advice about perspective and mindsets and how to reframe little t trauma. The journal prompts are useful and perspective shifting, and the breakdown of why personality tests are limiting is spot on.
August 7, 2020
I can't stand this guy. He has some good points, but he's blind to his insufferable privilege.
October 24, 2020
DNF @ 28%
Giving me very much "kids these days are whiny" vibes.
The Miracle of Mindfulness is a good alternative to reducing anxiety, being present, and allowing yourself to choose your mood and The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World is a better alternative to positivity and growth within yourself.
Giving me very much "kids these days are whiny" vibes.
The Miracle of Mindfulness is a good alternative to reducing anxiety, being present, and allowing yourself to choose your mood and The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World is a better alternative to positivity and growth within yourself.
June 10, 2020
The following is a review of Dr. Benjamin Hardy’s yet to be launched book ‘Personality Isn’t Permanent’ (releasing on June 16 2020)
This book will shake up the $2 billion personality testing business. The deeply held faith that is taught by parents, teachers, and society, in general, is that for the most part, each one is born with a certain ‘personality’ and one should just live with it. In fact, the most common advice is that if one can ‘discover one’s personality’ half the battle is won. Right? Wrong, says Dr. Hardy.
So much has gone in to create designer clothes, designer hairstyles, designer perfumes but Dr. Hardy shows you can ‘design your life’. Personality succumbs to Purpose. Everything yields to your Purpose including DNA.
Another misconception of modern society is that inspiration triggers action. In fact, to the contrary, action kindles inspiration. Just as in the alphabet, Action comes before confidence, motivation, and passion.
Action kindles confidence which shows positive responses that in turn triggers motivation and over time manifests as passion. This passion knows no limits and can far exceed the wildest projection of your future self or who you want to be. It all begins with purposeful action.
After this, Dr. Hardy expertly points to the four levers you can use to move the world and win: trauma, identity narrative, subconscious, environment. These four levers can be configured to propel you to a brilliant joyful future or to set you back in misery and low growth. Dr. Hardy shows you with examples, how these seemingly innocent factors can become lifelong barriers, and how they can be tamed.
This book is for everyone, no matter where you are in life. It is a scientific, progressive layered approach to understanding who you are and why you believe who you are. It shows you where you could be and how to get there. It will expose the chinks in your thinking, compromises you may have unknowingly made about your true potential, and wake you up to your greater self.
Read it. Get another copy. Gift it to someone you care about. The book launches on Jun 16 by the Penguin Random House.
Benjamin Hardy
Personality Isn't Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story
This book will shake up the $2 billion personality testing business. The deeply held faith that is taught by parents, teachers, and society, in general, is that for the most part, each one is born with a certain ‘personality’ and one should just live with it. In fact, the most common advice is that if one can ‘discover one’s personality’ half the battle is won. Right? Wrong, says Dr. Hardy.
So much has gone in to create designer clothes, designer hairstyles, designer perfumes but Dr. Hardy shows you can ‘design your life’. Personality succumbs to Purpose. Everything yields to your Purpose including DNA.
Another misconception of modern society is that inspiration triggers action. In fact, to the contrary, action kindles inspiration. Just as in the alphabet, Action comes before confidence, motivation, and passion.
Action kindles confidence which shows positive responses that in turn triggers motivation and over time manifests as passion. This passion knows no limits and can far exceed the wildest projection of your future self or who you want to be. It all begins with purposeful action.
After this, Dr. Hardy expertly points to the four levers you can use to move the world and win: trauma, identity narrative, subconscious, environment. These four levers can be configured to propel you to a brilliant joyful future or to set you back in misery and low growth. Dr. Hardy shows you with examples, how these seemingly innocent factors can become lifelong barriers, and how they can be tamed.
This book is for everyone, no matter where you are in life. It is a scientific, progressive layered approach to understanding who you are and why you believe who you are. It shows you where you could be and how to get there. It will expose the chinks in your thinking, compromises you may have unknowingly made about your true potential, and wake you up to your greater self.
Read it. Get another copy. Gift it to someone you care about. The book launches on Jun 16 by the Penguin Random House.
Benjamin Hardy
Personality Isn't Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story
July 25, 2020
Personality Isn't Permanent is an interesting book with lots of useful information within its pages. In fact, there is a lot here that I think a reader would find very useful and would be worth paying attention to.
However, the problem with this book is that it doesn't really have a huge amount to do with changing your personality. It's more about just being successful. Now that in itself is an interesting book, and I'd be happy to read that. However, it doesn't give me a blueprint for changing my personality. That's not to say this book doesn't touch on that, but it's hardly its primary focus as the title promises.
The other thing I didn't like about this book was the fact that to me is based on a fairly incorrect premise. The author is essentially writing this book because he hates personality tests and the fact that they box people into neat little categories that you're not allowed to change from. However, in that statement, there is an important place where I think the author is missing the point, and that is where personality quizzes say people can never change.
I have come across a lot of personality tests over my time and I've never come across that sentence that says people will never change. That is a misunderstanding of what these things are.
I recently read a book called Surrounded by Idiots that dealt with a very similar topic to this. They make it very clear in that book that these personality traits are not universal, are not perfect descriptions, and also are subject to change. The point of these tests is to help understand what personality type someone has at the moment so that you can identify strengths, weaknesses, and maybe even improve yourself.
In my case, as a bit of an emotional idiot, it was a very useful guide to understanding other people around me and their motivations. I have already put it to use to mend bridges and relationships with the people in my life. However, I fully understand that it is a guide based on the present and that what I learn today is subject to change as people change. It doesn't make the personality test wrong, it just means that someone has changed their classification. If they were to take the test again they would probably get a different result.
Overall I'm saying that this is a book based on an incorrect assumption, and it is arguing a point that doesn't necessarily need to be made. More than that, it isn't even really doing a good job of making that argument because this isn't a book about personality, but about success, and a useful one at that.
With that in mind, I can't rate this book higher than a 3.
However, the problem with this book is that it doesn't really have a huge amount to do with changing your personality. It's more about just being successful. Now that in itself is an interesting book, and I'd be happy to read that. However, it doesn't give me a blueprint for changing my personality. That's not to say this book doesn't touch on that, but it's hardly its primary focus as the title promises.
The other thing I didn't like about this book was the fact that to me is based on a fairly incorrect premise. The author is essentially writing this book because he hates personality tests and the fact that they box people into neat little categories that you're not allowed to change from. However, in that statement, there is an important place where I think the author is missing the point, and that is where personality quizzes say people can never change.
I have come across a lot of personality tests over my time and I've never come across that sentence that says people will never change. That is a misunderstanding of what these things are.
I recently read a book called Surrounded by Idiots that dealt with a very similar topic to this. They make it very clear in that book that these personality traits are not universal, are not perfect descriptions, and also are subject to change. The point of these tests is to help understand what personality type someone has at the moment so that you can identify strengths, weaknesses, and maybe even improve yourself.
In my case, as a bit of an emotional idiot, it was a very useful guide to understanding other people around me and their motivations. I have already put it to use to mend bridges and relationships with the people in my life. However, I fully understand that it is a guide based on the present and that what I learn today is subject to change as people change. It doesn't make the personality test wrong, it just means that someone has changed their classification. If they were to take the test again they would probably get a different result.
Overall I'm saying that this is a book based on an incorrect assumption, and it is arguing a point that doesn't necessarily need to be made. More than that, it isn't even really doing a good job of making that argument because this isn't a book about personality, but about success, and a useful one at that.
With that in mind, I can't rate this book higher than a 3.
February 22, 2022
All these authors write from such a privileged position it makes me sick... he had some good points, and I think the journaling exercises are great, but he definitely lacks empathy. He obviously has no idea about what it's like to deal with generalized anxiety, he basically says you can just decide to not have anxiety anymore. Yikes. The part of the book where he talks about fasting is also kind of dangerous in my opinion, especially since he refers to being fat as a bad thing during the whole book. It can lead to the wrong idea. He is one of those guys who think that you can achieve anything by working hard enough, when in reality sometimes that's not true. Some people have awful jobs and can't quit without starving, some people can't speak up in public without shaking or having a bellyache, some people work hard enough and still don't get what they want because of luck. It's much more complex than what he makes it seem. I liked the concept of creating the person you want to be, and this was an interesting book, but coming from his limited perspective I just couldn't enjoy it as much as I should have.
June 14, 2021
I went into this book as part of a mini-book club with two of my friends. The book was chosen after my friend Tyler heard an enjoyable and informative podcast that featured Benjamin Hardy. I was looking forward to this book, especially because when I read popular psychology books I really try to focus on those written by authors that have academic credentials in the field: Hardy boasts a PhD.
I enjoyed the beginning of this book, where Hardy discussed the flexibility of personality and why personality tests fail us by suggesting that our personalities are fixed both in time and context. However, beyond this discussion--which was made enjoyable by some memoir-like aspects of Hardy's own life and experience--I found the book overly simple, lacking evidence or hard scientific discussions, and not really having to do with personality at all.
The majority of Hardy's book deals mostly with positive habit formation. He talks about the merits of going to sleep and waking up early, meditation, fasting, journaling, and visualization of your future. These topics could be of merit to someone who is interested in changing the day-to-day of their life, however, it simply wasn't the discussion that I thought would dominate the book. Additionally, the way in which Hardy presents these habits presents, what I feel, is a false dichotomy. For example, he suggests at one point that the difference between successful writers and mediocre ones is waking up early. While this may have worked for him, it actually goes against research in sleep health and wellness that shows that some people are early risers--obviously, Hardy falls into this category--and others are not. For the latter group, waking up early is actually detrimental to concentration, productivity, and overall health (Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams). Instead of presenting the habits that have served him well and suggesting that others seek habits that would work for them, Hardy suggests that the habits that worked for him are a rule rather than an example. For an author who, in Chapter One, denounces Myers and Briggs for using their experiences as "a wife and mother, not science or psychology, to develop" their famed personality test, Hardy ultimately presents his reader with very little science or psychology himself.
Overall, Hardy is an optimistic, goals-driven individual whose personal story is indeed inspirational and one that I would love to know more about. In fact, I think I would enjoy a memoir by Hardy more than I enjoyed this book. I think that if a reader was interested in adopting a more stoic lifestyle and needed a gung-ho starting point, this would be a good book to wet their feet. If you're looking for a scientific exploration of personality, how it is formed, why, and how we can leverage understanding of it, look elsewhere.
I enjoyed the beginning of this book, where Hardy discussed the flexibility of personality and why personality tests fail us by suggesting that our personalities are fixed both in time and context. However, beyond this discussion--which was made enjoyable by some memoir-like aspects of Hardy's own life and experience--I found the book overly simple, lacking evidence or hard scientific discussions, and not really having to do with personality at all.
The majority of Hardy's book deals mostly with positive habit formation. He talks about the merits of going to sleep and waking up early, meditation, fasting, journaling, and visualization of your future. These topics could be of merit to someone who is interested in changing the day-to-day of their life, however, it simply wasn't the discussion that I thought would dominate the book. Additionally, the way in which Hardy presents these habits presents, what I feel, is a false dichotomy. For example, he suggests at one point that the difference between successful writers and mediocre ones is waking up early. While this may have worked for him, it actually goes against research in sleep health and wellness that shows that some people are early risers--obviously, Hardy falls into this category--and others are not. For the latter group, waking up early is actually detrimental to concentration, productivity, and overall health (Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams). Instead of presenting the habits that have served him well and suggesting that others seek habits that would work for them, Hardy suggests that the habits that worked for him are a rule rather than an example. For an author who, in Chapter One, denounces Myers and Briggs for using their experiences as "a wife and mother, not science or psychology, to develop" their famed personality test, Hardy ultimately presents his reader with very little science or psychology himself.
Overall, Hardy is an optimistic, goals-driven individual whose personal story is indeed inspirational and one that I would love to know more about. In fact, I think I would enjoy a memoir by Hardy more than I enjoyed this book. I think that if a reader was interested in adopting a more stoic lifestyle and needed a gung-ho starting point, this would be a good book to wet their feet. If you're looking for a scientific exploration of personality, how it is formed, why, and how we can leverage understanding of it, look elsewhere.
June 21, 2024
This book isn't about personality so much as it's about habits and actions. The author argues they are the same. I argue that whether this is true or not, the book's a worse Atomic Habits. Hardy flip-flops between ideas between paragraphs. He criticizes theories like the enneagram and MBTI for being pseudoscience (reasonably so) but goes on to offer nothing but anecdote to support his own contrasting views.
I don't care if you know someone who went from banker-to-mountain-climber. Who does? As another reviewer pointed out, that's not relatable to most readers. I want stronger evidence than Elon Musk's dream of dying on Mars to back up points. Coupled with the over-simplified definition of personality he relies on throughout the book, most of his points have dropped all their water by the 20% mark. The idea that we choose how to act and our actions shape our character is fine, but he fails to address what makes us want/not want to choose what we do/don't do. Social pressures are offered as an explanation, but he doesn't delve into why this would be the case. He also doesn't explain how people who DON'T succumb to social pressures (anyone gender non-conforming, anyone with even slightly esoteric interests) gravitate to the passions they have. His presentation of humanity as this semi-robotic, unthinking mass is unconvincing to anyone who actually lives on the planet.
I could make some complaints about his writing here, too, but they're secondary to how unconvincing the content is. The one I'll mention is that after spending several rambling pages explaining that focusing on the "process" of an aim is inferior to being entirely goal-focused, he uses tactical and strategic as antonyms (what?) and then goes on to detail how you should sleep/wake an hour earlier if you're serious about your goals... which is a process change. That requires focusing on your process. Which is what he just told us not to do.
I...
OK?
Finally, Hardy relies too often on long, winding success stories as proof of his point in this book. Name drops include Elon Musk, Mark Wahlberg, Gandhi, Matthew Mcconaughey... If there is any credence to Hardy's view, you won't find any evidence of it between the front and back covers of Personality Isn't Permanent. I've quite literally never been so irritated by a book before.
I don't care if you know someone who went from banker-to-mountain-climber. Who does? As another reviewer pointed out, that's not relatable to most readers. I want stronger evidence than Elon Musk's dream of dying on Mars to back up points. Coupled with the over-simplified definition of personality he relies on throughout the book, most of his points have dropped all their water by the 20% mark. The idea that we choose how to act and our actions shape our character is fine, but he fails to address what makes us want/not want to choose what we do/don't do. Social pressures are offered as an explanation, but he doesn't delve into why this would be the case. He also doesn't explain how people who DON'T succumb to social pressures (anyone gender non-conforming, anyone with even slightly esoteric interests) gravitate to the passions they have. His presentation of humanity as this semi-robotic, unthinking mass is unconvincing to anyone who actually lives on the planet.
I could make some complaints about his writing here, too, but they're secondary to how unconvincing the content is. The one I'll mention is that after spending several rambling pages explaining that focusing on the "process" of an aim is inferior to being entirely goal-focused, he uses tactical and strategic as antonyms (what?) and then goes on to detail how you should sleep/wake an hour earlier if you're serious about your goals... which is a process change. That requires focusing on your process. Which is what he just told us not to do.
I...
OK?
Finally, Hardy relies too often on long, winding success stories as proof of his point in this book. Name drops include Elon Musk, Mark Wahlberg, Gandhi, Matthew Mcconaughey... If there is any credence to Hardy's view, you won't find any evidence of it between the front and back covers of Personality Isn't Permanent. I've quite literally never been so irritated by a book before.
June 16, 2020
Absolutely incredible. Every person who desires a great life needs to read this book.
That's not something I say often.
It's going to freaking change the world and I hope you're there to see it.
Full, in-depth review here:
https://medium.com/@elijahc/how-to-ov...
That's not something I say often.
It's going to freaking change the world and I hope you're there to see it.
Full, in-depth review here:
https://medium.com/@elijahc/how-to-ov...
July 18, 2020
I’m not convinced that the author’s thesis isn’t a big lie. A lot of talk without a lot of research to convincingly demonstrate that there isn’t a large component of the Big 5 personality traits that is driven by genetics and essentially immutable.
July 20, 2020
Fighting wacky pop-psychology with more wacky pop-psychology...
June 20, 2020
I took three pages of notes, hoping to use the ideas at work and at home. Therefore, it's safe to say it's had an impact.
Because I read his blog posts, much of the information isn't new to me, but having it in book form is helpful because it's contextualized into steps and deeper reasoning. I decided to also use the end of chapter questions for journaling prompts, which has been at a lull lately.
The book celebrates the importance of reframing our past and using future goals to frame our present in order to get the most out of life and live more freely. Behavior is goal-driven (77), so finding that ONE goal and allowing that to ignite motivation is Hardy's path to transform past trauma into a freer present.
I would be wary of thinking that this book alone will give you the tools necessary to heal from trauma, alas, it's probably not possible, but it's a great way to explore what memories need attending to or to be able to pinpoint where to start in the deep work. Finding "empathetic witnesses" allows us to leverage our trauma, identity narratives, subconscious, and environments in ways that help us live the life we desire, outlines Hardy throughout the book.
Perhaps you're looking for where to start on your post-quarantine experience. This is a good first step: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/bo...
"We understand the meaning of our experiences through stories" (151), so this research and storytelling will serve many readers well.
Here's a link to a copy of the first chapter: https://benjaminhardy88-gmail-com.ck....
Because I read his blog posts, much of the information isn't new to me, but having it in book form is helpful because it's contextualized into steps and deeper reasoning. I decided to also use the end of chapter questions for journaling prompts, which has been at a lull lately.
The book celebrates the importance of reframing our past and using future goals to frame our present in order to get the most out of life and live more freely. Behavior is goal-driven (77), so finding that ONE goal and allowing that to ignite motivation is Hardy's path to transform past trauma into a freer present.
I would be wary of thinking that this book alone will give you the tools necessary to heal from trauma, alas, it's probably not possible, but it's a great way to explore what memories need attending to or to be able to pinpoint where to start in the deep work. Finding "empathetic witnesses" allows us to leverage our trauma, identity narratives, subconscious, and environments in ways that help us live the life we desire, outlines Hardy throughout the book.
Perhaps you're looking for where to start on your post-quarantine experience. This is a good first step: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/bo...
"We understand the meaning of our experiences through stories" (151), so this research and storytelling will serve many readers well.
Here's a link to a copy of the first chapter: https://benjaminhardy88-gmail-com.ck....
August 29, 2023
Didn’t finish- hated it. He just wasn’t vibing with my INFP 9w1 lifestyle 😂😂😂🤪 He thought if everyone didn’t change themselves to be exactly how he is naturally, they are a bad person and need to rewire their brain. He talks really arrogantly and belittles everyone who isn’t exactly like him. Yeah, not my thing. Wouldn’t recommend… unless of course you happen to be exactly like him and want to improve your already put together personality 😂
Of course this is all my opinion, however I do have to say that I disagree with the entire premise behind the book. Of course personality isn’t permanent, but genetics are, and I really feel like he wasn’t taking into account people with anxiety, more free spirited people, more introverted people, and other personality traits, setbacks, etc. Some things just don’t need to/ can’t be changed, and it’s okay that they’re permanent.
Of course this is all my opinion, however I do have to say that I disagree with the entire premise behind the book. Of course personality isn’t permanent, but genetics are, and I really feel like he wasn’t taking into account people with anxiety, more free spirited people, more introverted people, and other personality traits, setbacks, etc. Some things just don’t need to/ can’t be changed, and it’s okay that they’re permanent.
October 5, 2022
Completely irresponsible. Young woman decides not to be shy, so is no longer shy. The premise of this book is that you can just choose to have a different personality and like it *and* that if you find that difficult, it’s because you’re just making excuses and not taking responsibility for yourself. Thanks, grandpa. This magnitude of indifference to individual experience is off the charts. Bang out of the gate, a completely tone deaf anecdote about how the authors in-laws had a prejudice against him, because he was, according to a personality test, “a white”. Alternate title: Magical Thinking By Florida Man
May 2, 2021
This started off good, and the longer it went on, the more I started to think - wait a second...
The style is quite repetitive and redundant. [wait - is that redundant? I'm tired; it can stay]
I could have done without the religious overtones and the use of words like 'filth'.
Rolls eyes. Filth. Really???
Plus, there's the usual idea that success is linked ONLY to wealth accumulation; but that seems to be a common thing in a LOT of self help titles.
And then I hit the section where he tells the story of a mother whose toddler drowned in a drainage canal. Her husband had not come home and could not be contacted. She was exhausted and alone and fell asleep after nursing the sick baby. Her community ostracised her, her husband blamed her; he divorced her and took custody of their other child. She nearly killed herself.
Ten years later, she found out that HE was having an affair with a co-worker, was with her that night and that this woman had also defrauded their business.
You do you, lady but I do not believe in a God that tests your faith by drowning your child. Fuck that god.
Huh; well look at that. My entire viewpoint of this book changed with that story.
2 stars
The style is quite repetitive and redundant. [wait - is that redundant? I'm tired; it can stay]
I could have done without the religious overtones and the use of words like 'filth'.
There is a lot of garbage out in the world. Most of the internet is low-level distraction or filth you simply don’t need or want to know about. Most movies are useless.(p. 210).
Rolls eyes. Filth. Really???
Plus, there's the usual idea that success is linked ONLY to wealth accumulation; but that seems to be a common thing in a LOT of self help titles.
And then I hit the section where he tells the story of a mother whose toddler drowned in a drainage canal. Her husband had not come home and could not be contacted. She was exhausted and alone and fell asleep after nursing the sick baby. Her community ostracised her, her husband blamed her; he divorced her and took custody of their other child. She nearly killed herself.
Ten years later, she found out that HE was having an affair with a co-worker, was with her that night and that this woman had also defrauded their business.
She began to see her past differently. For most of her life, she had felt like a victim. She had felt like she was cursed by God. But while reading those old journals and reflecting on her experiences, she saw her previous experiences differently. Rather than curses, she saw compliments. “God really trusts you,” she thought to herself. “Everything I’ve gone through is a gigantic compliment from God not only for what I can handle, but for what he wants me to do.” (p. 227).
You do you, lady but I do not believe in a God that tests your faith by drowning your child. Fuck that god.
Huh; well look at that. My entire viewpoint of this book changed with that story.
2 stars
September 8, 2024
Okay, I’ll admit it. I went into this book with the wrong expectations. As someone who gets a different MBTI result every few weeks (I do it for fun at this point), I was intrigued by the title alone. I only paid attention to that and completely missed the preachy self-help subtitle. Naturally, I ended up disappointed. Someone who despises self-help books recommended it to me, so I assumed it would be more of a psychological, evidence-based look at personality.
But it wasn’t just the fact that it’s a self-help book that didn’t work for me; it was the actual messages too. Like, “Don’t marry for personality.” Really? So we should base it on looks instead? 🙄 Another one: “Your commitment in life is reflected 100 percent by the results you’re currently getting.” If you’re going to throw around percentages like that, you need solid evidence to back it up. There are also a lot of messages that just felt like common sense.
And that’s the thing; the book is seriously lacking in evidence. Instead, the author leans on fiction books and movies as if they’re scientific research. This just didn’t sit right with me. Not to mention the number of spoilers! He casually mentions that a main character in a book I really want to read dies, and for what? The point wasn’t even worth the spoiler 😒. It felt like most of his “research” came from people he knew, fictions he read, and other self-help books. The constant “Somebody said this” or “Somebody said that” got old real fast.
On top of all that, the structure didn’t work for me. It felt all over the place, which only added to my disappointment. That said, I can see how people might like it. If I had read it as a teenager, I probably would have loved it too.
But it wasn’t just the fact that it’s a self-help book that didn’t work for me; it was the actual messages too. Like, “Don’t marry for personality.” Really? So we should base it on looks instead? 🙄 Another one: “Your commitment in life is reflected 100 percent by the results you’re currently getting.” If you’re going to throw around percentages like that, you need solid evidence to back it up. There are also a lot of messages that just felt like common sense.
And that’s the thing; the book is seriously lacking in evidence. Instead, the author leans on fiction books and movies as if they’re scientific research. This just didn’t sit right with me. Not to mention the number of spoilers! He casually mentions that a main character in a book I really want to read dies, and for what? The point wasn’t even worth the spoiler 😒. It felt like most of his “research” came from people he knew, fictions he read, and other self-help books. The constant “Somebody said this” or “Somebody said that” got old real fast.
On top of all that, the structure didn’t work for me. It felt all over the place, which only added to my disappointment. That said, I can see how people might like it. If I had read it as a teenager, I probably would have loved it too.
June 6, 2020
I used to want to be relocated to a new place, with new people, so I can be "myself". Like being given a second chance to be the person I want to express. I didn't want to continue acting awkwardly in a role where I didn't fit.
It has always been a fantasy. This book is a promise to fulfill this fantasy.
I've always been convinced it's possible to change radically. The problem today is, I even forgot the person I want to be.
Quote from the book:
People should be living by acting bravely as their future selves. Not by perpetuating who they formerly were.
It has always been a fantasy. This book is a promise to fulfill this fantasy.
I've always been convinced it's possible to change radically. The problem today is, I even forgot the person I want to be.
Quote from the book:
People should be living by acting bravely as their future selves. Not by perpetuating who they formerly were.
February 28, 2022
This is one of the best books I’ve read in a long time, it not only makes you maleable for the future, but transforms your past to take the best out of it.
January 27, 2024
Here's my short review of this book—It had good information; however, I wasn't a fan of the lengthy presentation. In full disclosure, it simply might have been bad timing for me to read the book. I do find myself still thinking about concepts in this book, which is a good sign of good information, but I didn't enjoy the process of reading/listening to it at all. I don't think I'd recommend this book.
——
Here's my much more lengthy (obnoxiously lengthy) review of the book:
I read this book based on my cousin's recommendation. Although I don't necessarily seek out a lot of psychology books, I do typically enjoy them. Something about this one just rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know if it was bad timing, sleep deprivation, and the bleakness that sometimes comes with that, or if I just wasn't the right audience for the book. It took me about a month to get through the ~7-hour audiobook. Each time I listened, it was a chore to make myself listen to it (I think I've finished three or four other longer books in the time it took me to finish this one).
I actually agree with most of what the author said and thought he had some wonderful points, but I think the way he presented some of his information didn't jive with me. I love the idea of thinking about what my future self is and then working towards that. I loved what he said about journaling, empathetic witnesses, trauma, envisioning our future selves, goal setting, etc. But, I didn't love all of his anecdotal case studies that he used to beat the reader over the head driving home his point.
I also felt he was tooting his own horn a lot—we get it! you had a hard upbringing and had twins the same year you adopted three foster kids while getting your PhD. Hooray for you 😆 I guess part of me felt the same information could have been shared more effectively in half the time. I'd be interested in trying this again down the road and seeing if I received it better. I probably would have done better with reading the book (rather than listening) and sitting down and doing the various exercises he suggested.
Another thing that irked me was the fact that he talked about how awful personality tests are and the assumptions they make about us, but at the same time, he'd often make statements about Millenials or other generations that I felt were just as presumptions, broad, and anti-change as the personality tests he was referring too. I think at the end of the day, his book felt overtly preachy, was too long, and lacked succinctness.
I truly do believe we can and should change as people—I feel like if I didn't believe this, I'd be denying all Jesus Christ has done for each one of us. I can see how personality tests can make some stop achieving and trying to change. At the same time, a couple of years ago, we had a church activity where we took the color personality tests with our spouses and they had a trained professional break down the results. It gave my husband and me some awesome "ah-ha" insights about each other and ourselves. The presenter went on to tie his presentation to our divine natures and the plan of salvation which was actually really cool. I'm not saying the author is wrong and the color personality is right, but I do think there is value in some of those tests. I think the tests are very subjective and we shouldn't assume because we're XYZ color or letter combos then "that's just the way we are" and we're incapable of change.
I either missed how the author defined personality or he didn't effectively define it as I often found his examples were talking about things I didn't even consider personality: like the kid that plays the trumpet but chooses to hang with the cool and dangerous crowd over playing the trumpet and then he ends up in prison—is playing the trumpet a personality trait?? There were several examples like that that had me questioning what even makes up a personality. If I like to read, is that a personality trait? Or is it just an interest I have?
I would be interested to have heard more about personality and mental health. Anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. can greatly limit your ability to do some of the things he talked about and certainly can impact personality. But I guess it was just out of the scope of his book, and that’s okay.
I also need to say there were a lot of great points and quotes—there were definitely things I would have highlighted so I could easily reference them later. I have found myself thinking about what he talked about and referenced, which I always think is a sign of a good book—if you’re thinking about it when not reading it. However, at the end of the day, I don't necessarily know if I could recommend this book due to my less-than-ideal experience with it.
——
Here's my much more lengthy (obnoxiously lengthy) review of the book:
I read this book based on my cousin's recommendation. Although I don't necessarily seek out a lot of psychology books, I do typically enjoy them. Something about this one just rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know if it was bad timing, sleep deprivation, and the bleakness that sometimes comes with that, or if I just wasn't the right audience for the book. It took me about a month to get through the ~7-hour audiobook. Each time I listened, it was a chore to make myself listen to it (I think I've finished three or four other longer books in the time it took me to finish this one).
I actually agree with most of what the author said and thought he had some wonderful points, but I think the way he presented some of his information didn't jive with me. I love the idea of thinking about what my future self is and then working towards that. I loved what he said about journaling, empathetic witnesses, trauma, envisioning our future selves, goal setting, etc. But, I didn't love all of his anecdotal case studies that he used to beat the reader over the head driving home his point.
I also felt he was tooting his own horn a lot—we get it! you had a hard upbringing and had twins the same year you adopted three foster kids while getting your PhD. Hooray for you 😆 I guess part of me felt the same information could have been shared more effectively in half the time. I'd be interested in trying this again down the road and seeing if I received it better. I probably would have done better with reading the book (rather than listening) and sitting down and doing the various exercises he suggested.
Another thing that irked me was the fact that he talked about how awful personality tests are and the assumptions they make about us, but at the same time, he'd often make statements about Millenials or other generations that I felt were just as presumptions, broad, and anti-change as the personality tests he was referring too. I think at the end of the day, his book felt overtly preachy, was too long, and lacked succinctness.
I truly do believe we can and should change as people—I feel like if I didn't believe this, I'd be denying all Jesus Christ has done for each one of us. I can see how personality tests can make some stop achieving and trying to change. At the same time, a couple of years ago, we had a church activity where we took the color personality tests with our spouses and they had a trained professional break down the results. It gave my husband and me some awesome "ah-ha" insights about each other and ourselves. The presenter went on to tie his presentation to our divine natures and the plan of salvation which was actually really cool. I'm not saying the author is wrong and the color personality is right, but I do think there is value in some of those tests. I think the tests are very subjective and we shouldn't assume because we're XYZ color or letter combos then "that's just the way we are" and we're incapable of change.
I either missed how the author defined personality or he didn't effectively define it as I often found his examples were talking about things I didn't even consider personality: like the kid that plays the trumpet but chooses to hang with the cool and dangerous crowd over playing the trumpet and then he ends up in prison—is playing the trumpet a personality trait?? There were several examples like that that had me questioning what even makes up a personality. If I like to read, is that a personality trait? Or is it just an interest I have?
I would be interested to have heard more about personality and mental health. Anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. can greatly limit your ability to do some of the things he talked about and certainly can impact personality. But I guess it was just out of the scope of his book, and that’s okay.
I also need to say there were a lot of great points and quotes—there were definitely things I would have highlighted so I could easily reference them later. I have found myself thinking about what he talked about and referenced, which I always think is a sign of a good book—if you’re thinking about it when not reading it. However, at the end of the day, I don't necessarily know if I could recommend this book due to my less-than-ideal experience with it.
October 26, 2021
Actually a pretty great book!
I picked it up because I believe that personality is changeable - to a degree. But I still feel that our past experiences and genetics really pulls us back to the way we've always been, and it's pretty difficult to change it.
I agree that personalities change over time but I feel like there's core personality traits that always stick no matter how hard we try and change them. I disagree with "don't marry someone based off their personality." The logic here is that since personality changes over time you have to marry based on other factors like their future self.
Other than that I love how this book delves into your "future self" and I loved all the practical productivity tips. Tips like decision fatigue - to have the highest willpower don't exhaust yourself with minor insignificant things like saying no to the cookie jar or which outfit you're going to wear. Keep the decision making juice to more important decisions.
I picked it up because I believe that personality is changeable - to a degree. But I still feel that our past experiences and genetics really pulls us back to the way we've always been, and it's pretty difficult to change it.
I agree that personalities change over time but I feel like there's core personality traits that always stick no matter how hard we try and change them. I disagree with "don't marry someone based off their personality." The logic here is that since personality changes over time you have to marry based on other factors like their future self.
Other than that I love how this book delves into your "future self" and I loved all the practical productivity tips. Tips like decision fatigue - to have the highest willpower don't exhaust yourself with minor insignificant things like saying no to the cookie jar or which outfit you're going to wear. Keep the decision making juice to more important decisions.
August 13, 2023
I believe that personality isn’t permanent. So, it was rather nice to find a whole book dedicated to the idea.
While the book is great in parts, it also stretches and drones on without direction.
While the book is great in parts, it also stretches and drones on without direction.
February 24, 2023
First, I believe people can change. I’ve seen the power of a growth mindset and the damage caused by limiting beliefs. I know people can heal, overcome, and choose to change how they think about and respond to life’s circumstances.
But, the patronizing, over-simplistic tone of this book made me want to reject all that I actually do believe and know. This is the kind of book that gives self-help and personal development books a bad name. I read a lot and I felt like several of his statements were borrowed from other author’s work. He made so many statements as truth without enough research to back them up. The only reason, I’m giving it 2 stars is because he made a couple of statements that convicted me in a good way and I’m grateful I read them.
But, the patronizing, over-simplistic tone of this book made me want to reject all that I actually do believe and know. This is the kind of book that gives self-help and personal development books a bad name. I read a lot and I felt like several of his statements were borrowed from other author’s work. He made so many statements as truth without enough research to back them up. The only reason, I’m giving it 2 stars is because he made a couple of statements that convicted me in a good way and I’m grateful I read them.
October 2, 2025
This book was a wonderful surprise. I don’t typically like this genre, but this was the best of its kind. I came away with so many insights and so many actions that I want to take in my life. The entire concept of building your life around your future self has completely re-created the way I think about my day today.
March 5, 2022
It's a 2020 book about Personality is not consistently permanent. I don't know. I've read stuff against this opinion more than stuff that follow up this opinion. There was not much in this book for me!
I've read it's Blinkist summarized version.
I've read it's Blinkist summarized version.
March 10, 2024
While I commend the author for reading a lot of other psychology and self help books, his synthesis of that material is weak. He takes three pages to state what could be effectively stated in one or two sentences. I couldn't decide if this was because he was unable to present a clear viewpoint of an idea or if he was padding his writing so he would have enough pages to fulfill his publishing contract. Either way, it wasn't good.
I have actually read a fair amount of the books he references and I do agree that they are worth reading. In fact, you should read those other books instead of this one. I kept reading like a masochist instead of DNF because he was so irritating at times that is became a fun hate read. I googled Hardy and discovered that he is very young, born in 1991. (Or maybe I am old, haha. I'm old enough to be his mother). Maybe I am the wrong audience. If a sixteen year old is reading this book, then they will learn a lot of helpful advice and it would be a worthwhile read. In your fifties, not so much. It was a lot of stating the obvious.
Hardy does something that I hate in a self help book; he acts as if what is applicable to him and his own lifestyle is applicable to everyone. It isn't. All that is needed is a few sentences explaining who his audience is and who this advice would be useful for. If you are neurotypical and middle class or above, then most of this advice would apply to you. He also has very very specific advice that is really his opinion and not based on facts. Stuff like Most movies are useless. Uh, maybe you haven't seen the right movies, haha.
A lot of the research he writes about has a basis in Buddhism. However, Hardy is a Mormon so he downplays this. A lot of his comments were convoluted because he couldn't come out and write that what he is stating is one of Buddha's four noble truths. He does quote several Mormon leaders without mentioning that they are Mormon leaders which I found disingenuous.
I would not say this is a book on personality. It is a book about habits and willpower. His obsession with personality tests I found strange and over the top. Maybe it's really common in his social circle? Or in his religion? I don't know. I do not know of a single person that believes personality tests are legitimate. I thought they were fun little things to do like reading your horoscope? A way to pass time while goofing off on your phone. He brings them up a lot and has a lot of strawman arguments based on this faulty belief that everyone is running around defining themselves through their enneagram or Meyer Briggs label. Ok, I guess some people do. Just like some people are really into astrology and tarot cards. I do not believe it is the vast majority of people and thus worthy of such a detailed rebuttal as he offers in the book.
I struggled with how to rate this. It's one star for the writing style and the author's obtuseness. Five stars for the books he quotes from. FInal verdict 2 1/2 stars.
Lots and lots of highlighted quotes I react to:
Despite wanting to change, people have been led to believe they can't. Right away I am irritated. Led by what? Led by who? Which people? Change how? This is an opinion stated as fact.
The most successful people in the world base their identity and internal narrative on their future, not their past. For example, Elon Musk often speaks of wanting to live out the end of his life on Mars. Human travel to Mars is not a possibility yet. But dying on Mars is the story Musk tells about his future. That is the purpose shaping his identity, actions, and decisions. REALLY? This is the best example of the point you are trying to make? Hardy is quite the fanboy for Musk and it shows in his repeated praise of the selfish billionaire. I think the purpose shaping Musk is his lust for power and control, not a boyhood dream of outer space.
Around age twenty, I decided to leave my hometown and serve a church mission. I was fed up with how my life was going and wanted a fresh start. This two-year experience changed everything for me. I came back a different person with enhanced capabilities and a powerful vision for my future. What an extremely specific example of how to develop as a human, go on a religious mission. In rehab they call this "pulling a geographic". Instead of changing your insides you change your location. Ok sure, this could be a kickstart to internal change, moving. A fresh start. Sometimes people need that nudge.What if you can't change your location? What if you are an elderly relative's primary caregiver and need to stay put? So many what ifs.
Although we think of ourselves as consistent, our behavior and attitudes are often shifting. Do we think that? I don't.
when asked to analyze the difference between their former and current selves, people can easily recognize changes in their personality over the previous ten years. Even still, people consistently expect only minor changes to occur over the next decade. Yes, I read a good book about this called Your Future Self: How to Make Tomorrow Better Today by Hal Hershfield. Go read that instead of this book.
It's harder to imagine the future we want than to remember the past we've lived through. Your future self will be a different person from whom you currently are. It's bad for decision-making to assume your future self will be the same person you are now.
some of my own friends and extended family members are now in terrible situations due to their own poor decisions. Ding ding ding! These are the "many people" Hardy is referring to throughout the book.
Rather than making decisions based on your current identity, you could begin making decisions your future self would love and appreciate. This is good advice. I did this on a small scale the other day. Coming home one night I was tired but I knew I was out of milk for my coffee. I didn't want to swing by the bodega but I knew future me of tomorrow morning would be happy not to have to walk to the store in the rain in the early morning before having coffee. So I made a detour and got the milk that night.
there are four reasons which keep people stuck: 1)They continue to be defined by past traumas that haven't been reframed. 2) They have an identity based on their past, not the future. 3)Their subconscious keeps them consistent with their former emotions. 4)They have an environment supporting their current rather than their future identity Don't really understand number 3 but the rest seems spot on. Reframing negative events is something I find very very helpful. And focusing on your future instead of your past is solid advice.
If your view of your own past hasn't changed much over the years, then you haven't learned from your past experiences and you're not actively learning now. The more mature you become as a person, the more differently you'll view prior experiences.
To say, "That's just the way I am because of my past" is to declare you're emotionally stuck in your past.
When our trauma is unresolved, we stop moving forward in our lives. We become emotionally rigid and shut off, and thus stop learning, evolving, and changing. As such, our past becomes rigid as well, and our memory persists in an unchanging and painful way.
If you're still angry with your parents for your childhood, for example, this speaks more to who you currently are than what actually happened in your childhood. It isn't the contents of your past that need changing, but how you view them today.
Developing a powerful relationship isn't about "finding," but collaboratively creating and becoming new people together, through the relationship. Both parties must adjust and change, becoming a more united whole that transcends the sum of the parts.
Your goals shape your identity. Over time, and through repeated behavior, your identity becomes your personality. Habits and Goals, that's the subject of this book.
Those who become successful constantly expose themselves to new things. They travel, read books, meet new people. They prize education and learning. Knowledge is key to setting goals. You can't pursue something you don't know exists. Exposure is the first source of goals. Whatever you're pursuing right now is based on what you've been exposed to.
As General James Mattis, the twenty-sixth United States secretary of defense, put it, "If you haven't read hundreds of books, you are functionally illiterate and you will be incompetent because your personal experiences aren't broad enough to sustain you." Read everything you can get your hands on. Preach!
Your desires shouldn't be mistaken as the "real" you. They are simply things you've attached meaning to, which you can also detach from or change the meaning of. Just because you want something now doesn't mean you'll want it in five years or even next year.
Having multiple goals is a reflection of fear and a lack of decision-making. You need one major goal. I disagree. You could have a health goal and a career goal and a relationship goal. Why just one?
Look at your life right now. Whatever you see, that's what you're committed to. Whatever you currently weigh, that's the weight you're committed to. However much money you make, that's how much money you're committed to making.Your commitment in life is reflected, 100 percent, by the results you're currently getting. Eh, what if your weight is due to a medicine you are on that you have to take? What if you make that amount of money due to a recession or a lack of jobs in your area or because you have caretaking responsibilities and can't work more hours? It's not so black and white.
Pearson's Law states, "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates." WHY I LOVE FITBIT, who knew?
By the end of the day, you've made a lot of decisions and are exhausted. As a result, your willpower is all dried up. Low willpower leads to high and unhealthy consumption behaviors-mostly the seeking of quick-release dopamine. Social media, sugar, carbs, and other distractions are common evening activities for many people
Going to bed after ten is unlikely to help you become your future self. This is the author's opinion and what works for him and is not based on any actual fact. Some people are night owls and some people are early birds. It's not one size fits all.
Mark Wahlberg, as an example, goes to bed at seven p.m. so he can wake up at three a.m. to exercise LOL uh, ok. I'll keep that in mind the next time I am starring in an action movie.
When most people think of "trauma," they imagine it only in its extreme manifestations, such as a diagnosed disorder like PTSD. Trauma is not limited to major, easily recognized events, though. Trauma, in a variety of forms, is part of each of our lives. It includes any negative experience or incident I HATE this new definition of the word trauma. No, any negative experience is not trauma. When I am slightly hungry, I am not starving. When there is a chilly breeze and it's 60 degrees, I am not freezing. Words matter. There are many many words and we don't have to decide that trauma - a word that means a very serious experience like rape or torture - can now apply to a bad date or stubbing your toe. This overuse of the word trauma drives me up the wall.
The more psychologically flexible you are, the faster you can let things go. The less psychologically flexible you are, the longer you hold on to even small things.
When a person remains stuck in trauma, they continue experiencing life from their initial reaction to the experience. They don't regulate and reframe how they see and feel about the event.
Trauma, for instance, isn't the event itself but a meaning you take or create from it. Something terrible happened, but what made it traumatic was in your interpretation. The meaning you formed during former "traumas" is now driving your personality, your choices, and your goals. Until you change that meaning.
People often make bad decisions because they act based on their emotions in the moment, rather than on the consequences that will come after.
The facts about your past don't change, but the story you tell yourself about those facts absolutely can and does. And when you revise your own history, you may leave out and ultimately forget certain "facts" that once played a dominant role in your story. Perhaps certain facts weren't actually facts but merely your former perspective.
A fundamental aspect of reframing is shifting what was formerly defined as a negative experience into a positive one. "Positive" and "negative" aren't facts, but meanings..."the gap" occurs when you focus on what's missing. For instance, you might live in a great house. But if you're in the gap, then all you might see is what's wrong with your house. You may have an amazing partner but only see what you believe to be wrong or missing in them. That's the gap. You might have great kids, but only see where they come up short. Compare living in the gap to living in "the gain." Instead of constantly measuring yourself against the ideal, you measure yourself against where you formerly were. It is incredibly powerful to shift what once was a "gap" narrative to a "gain" one. For example, you may harbor negative emotions about something that happened to you in the past. You may view the experience for all that it cost or has done to you. But what would happen if you flipped the script on those experiences? What would happen if you proactively shifted your attention and began looking for the "gains" of such experiences? Shifting from the gap to the gain is how you strategically remember your experiences. It's how you remember your past intentionally, not based on your initial emotional reactions. A terrible experience can be framed as a learning experience.
The past is just raw material to work with. It's entirely malleable and flexible. You get to take the pieces and choose which ones to discard and how you're going to frame them. How you choose to remember your past is what determines your past far more than what actually happened.
Strategic ignorance is about purposefully ignoring or shielding yourself from what you know is a distraction. It's your filter for ensuring that only the right new things reach you.
I have actually read a fair amount of the books he references and I do agree that they are worth reading. In fact, you should read those other books instead of this one. I kept reading like a masochist instead of DNF because he was so irritating at times that is became a fun hate read. I googled Hardy and discovered that he is very young, born in 1991. (Or maybe I am old, haha. I'm old enough to be his mother). Maybe I am the wrong audience. If a sixteen year old is reading this book, then they will learn a lot of helpful advice and it would be a worthwhile read. In your fifties, not so much. It was a lot of stating the obvious.
Hardy does something that I hate in a self help book; he acts as if what is applicable to him and his own lifestyle is applicable to everyone. It isn't. All that is needed is a few sentences explaining who his audience is and who this advice would be useful for. If you are neurotypical and middle class or above, then most of this advice would apply to you. He also has very very specific advice that is really his opinion and not based on facts. Stuff like Most movies are useless. Uh, maybe you haven't seen the right movies, haha.
A lot of the research he writes about has a basis in Buddhism. However, Hardy is a Mormon so he downplays this. A lot of his comments were convoluted because he couldn't come out and write that what he is stating is one of Buddha's four noble truths. He does quote several Mormon leaders without mentioning that they are Mormon leaders which I found disingenuous.
I would not say this is a book on personality. It is a book about habits and willpower. His obsession with personality tests I found strange and over the top. Maybe it's really common in his social circle? Or in his religion? I don't know. I do not know of a single person that believes personality tests are legitimate. I thought they were fun little things to do like reading your horoscope? A way to pass time while goofing off on your phone. He brings them up a lot and has a lot of strawman arguments based on this faulty belief that everyone is running around defining themselves through their enneagram or Meyer Briggs label. Ok, I guess some people do. Just like some people are really into astrology and tarot cards. I do not believe it is the vast majority of people and thus worthy of such a detailed rebuttal as he offers in the book.
I struggled with how to rate this. It's one star for the writing style and the author's obtuseness. Five stars for the books he quotes from. FInal verdict 2 1/2 stars.
Lots and lots of highlighted quotes I react to:
Despite wanting to change, people have been led to believe they can't. Right away I am irritated. Led by what? Led by who? Which people? Change how? This is an opinion stated as fact.
The most successful people in the world base their identity and internal narrative on their future, not their past. For example, Elon Musk often speaks of wanting to live out the end of his life on Mars. Human travel to Mars is not a possibility yet. But dying on Mars is the story Musk tells about his future. That is the purpose shaping his identity, actions, and decisions. REALLY? This is the best example of the point you are trying to make? Hardy is quite the fanboy for Musk and it shows in his repeated praise of the selfish billionaire. I think the purpose shaping Musk is his lust for power and control, not a boyhood dream of outer space.
Around age twenty, I decided to leave my hometown and serve a church mission. I was fed up with how my life was going and wanted a fresh start. This two-year experience changed everything for me. I came back a different person with enhanced capabilities and a powerful vision for my future. What an extremely specific example of how to develop as a human, go on a religious mission. In rehab they call this "pulling a geographic". Instead of changing your insides you change your location. Ok sure, this could be a kickstart to internal change, moving. A fresh start. Sometimes people need that nudge.What if you can't change your location? What if you are an elderly relative's primary caregiver and need to stay put? So many what ifs.
Although we think of ourselves as consistent, our behavior and attitudes are often shifting. Do we think that? I don't.
when asked to analyze the difference between their former and current selves, people can easily recognize changes in their personality over the previous ten years. Even still, people consistently expect only minor changes to occur over the next decade. Yes, I read a good book about this called Your Future Self: How to Make Tomorrow Better Today by Hal Hershfield. Go read that instead of this book.
It's harder to imagine the future we want than to remember the past we've lived through. Your future self will be a different person from whom you currently are. It's bad for decision-making to assume your future self will be the same person you are now.
some of my own friends and extended family members are now in terrible situations due to their own poor decisions. Ding ding ding! These are the "many people" Hardy is referring to throughout the book.
Rather than making decisions based on your current identity, you could begin making decisions your future self would love and appreciate. This is good advice. I did this on a small scale the other day. Coming home one night I was tired but I knew I was out of milk for my coffee. I didn't want to swing by the bodega but I knew future me of tomorrow morning would be happy not to have to walk to the store in the rain in the early morning before having coffee. So I made a detour and got the milk that night.
there are four reasons which keep people stuck: 1)They continue to be defined by past traumas that haven't been reframed. 2) They have an identity based on their past, not the future. 3)Their subconscious keeps them consistent with their former emotions. 4)They have an environment supporting their current rather than their future identity Don't really understand number 3 but the rest seems spot on. Reframing negative events is something I find very very helpful. And focusing on your future instead of your past is solid advice.
If your view of your own past hasn't changed much over the years, then you haven't learned from your past experiences and you're not actively learning now. The more mature you become as a person, the more differently you'll view prior experiences.
To say, "That's just the way I am because of my past" is to declare you're emotionally stuck in your past.
When our trauma is unresolved, we stop moving forward in our lives. We become emotionally rigid and shut off, and thus stop learning, evolving, and changing. As such, our past becomes rigid as well, and our memory persists in an unchanging and painful way.
If you're still angry with your parents for your childhood, for example, this speaks more to who you currently are than what actually happened in your childhood. It isn't the contents of your past that need changing, but how you view them today.
Developing a powerful relationship isn't about "finding," but collaboratively creating and becoming new people together, through the relationship. Both parties must adjust and change, becoming a more united whole that transcends the sum of the parts.
Your goals shape your identity. Over time, and through repeated behavior, your identity becomes your personality. Habits and Goals, that's the subject of this book.
Those who become successful constantly expose themselves to new things. They travel, read books, meet new people. They prize education and learning. Knowledge is key to setting goals. You can't pursue something you don't know exists. Exposure is the first source of goals. Whatever you're pursuing right now is based on what you've been exposed to.
As General James Mattis, the twenty-sixth United States secretary of defense, put it, "If you haven't read hundreds of books, you are functionally illiterate and you will be incompetent because your personal experiences aren't broad enough to sustain you." Read everything you can get your hands on. Preach!
Your desires shouldn't be mistaken as the "real" you. They are simply things you've attached meaning to, which you can also detach from or change the meaning of. Just because you want something now doesn't mean you'll want it in five years or even next year.
Having multiple goals is a reflection of fear and a lack of decision-making. You need one major goal. I disagree. You could have a health goal and a career goal and a relationship goal. Why just one?
Look at your life right now. Whatever you see, that's what you're committed to. Whatever you currently weigh, that's the weight you're committed to. However much money you make, that's how much money you're committed to making.Your commitment in life is reflected, 100 percent, by the results you're currently getting. Eh, what if your weight is due to a medicine you are on that you have to take? What if you make that amount of money due to a recession or a lack of jobs in your area or because you have caretaking responsibilities and can't work more hours? It's not so black and white.
Pearson's Law states, "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates." WHY I LOVE FITBIT, who knew?
By the end of the day, you've made a lot of decisions and are exhausted. As a result, your willpower is all dried up. Low willpower leads to high and unhealthy consumption behaviors-mostly the seeking of quick-release dopamine. Social media, sugar, carbs, and other distractions are common evening activities for many people
Going to bed after ten is unlikely to help you become your future self. This is the author's opinion and what works for him and is not based on any actual fact. Some people are night owls and some people are early birds. It's not one size fits all.
Mark Wahlberg, as an example, goes to bed at seven p.m. so he can wake up at three a.m. to exercise LOL uh, ok. I'll keep that in mind the next time I am starring in an action movie.
When most people think of "trauma," they imagine it only in its extreme manifestations, such as a diagnosed disorder like PTSD. Trauma is not limited to major, easily recognized events, though. Trauma, in a variety of forms, is part of each of our lives. It includes any negative experience or incident I HATE this new definition of the word trauma. No, any negative experience is not trauma. When I am slightly hungry, I am not starving. When there is a chilly breeze and it's 60 degrees, I am not freezing. Words matter. There are many many words and we don't have to decide that trauma - a word that means a very serious experience like rape or torture - can now apply to a bad date or stubbing your toe. This overuse of the word trauma drives me up the wall.
The more psychologically flexible you are, the faster you can let things go. The less psychologically flexible you are, the longer you hold on to even small things.
When a person remains stuck in trauma, they continue experiencing life from their initial reaction to the experience. They don't regulate and reframe how they see and feel about the event.
Trauma, for instance, isn't the event itself but a meaning you take or create from it. Something terrible happened, but what made it traumatic was in your interpretation. The meaning you formed during former "traumas" is now driving your personality, your choices, and your goals. Until you change that meaning.
People often make bad decisions because they act based on their emotions in the moment, rather than on the consequences that will come after.
The facts about your past don't change, but the story you tell yourself about those facts absolutely can and does. And when you revise your own history, you may leave out and ultimately forget certain "facts" that once played a dominant role in your story. Perhaps certain facts weren't actually facts but merely your former perspective.
A fundamental aspect of reframing is shifting what was formerly defined as a negative experience into a positive one. "Positive" and "negative" aren't facts, but meanings..."the gap" occurs when you focus on what's missing. For instance, you might live in a great house. But if you're in the gap, then all you might see is what's wrong with your house. You may have an amazing partner but only see what you believe to be wrong or missing in them. That's the gap. You might have great kids, but only see where they come up short. Compare living in the gap to living in "the gain." Instead of constantly measuring yourself against the ideal, you measure yourself against where you formerly were. It is incredibly powerful to shift what once was a "gap" narrative to a "gain" one. For example, you may harbor negative emotions about something that happened to you in the past. You may view the experience for all that it cost or has done to you. But what would happen if you flipped the script on those experiences? What would happen if you proactively shifted your attention and began looking for the "gains" of such experiences? Shifting from the gap to the gain is how you strategically remember your experiences. It's how you remember your past intentionally, not based on your initial emotional reactions. A terrible experience can be framed as a learning experience.
The past is just raw material to work with. It's entirely malleable and flexible. You get to take the pieces and choose which ones to discard and how you're going to frame them. How you choose to remember your past is what determines your past far more than what actually happened.
Strategic ignorance is about purposefully ignoring or shielding yourself from what you know is a distraction. It's your filter for ensuring that only the right new things reach you.
September 22, 2022
It's not enough to say that Isabel Myers and Katherine Briggs are wrong--we also must say that they had no business creating a personality assessment because they never had any formal training in psychology, psychiatry, or testing. This is pure credentialism and for a book that constantly calls-out black and white thinking and self-limiting beliefs, it is full of limiting and either/or thinking like this. Another example is the part about how "kids these days" successfully weaseled their way out of giving presentations in front of the class because they were anxious. There's no middle ground considered, like, maybe some kids are terrified of this and could benefit from better funded and better staffed schools who could provide social and emotional support to make doing presentations in front of the class seem more doable.
Don't get me wrong, I have no interest in defending personality tests I think they are a colossal grift. Classic INFP, right? But my main issue with this book is the same issue I have with most career and self-help books: it lacks critical consciousness, it has no materialist critique whatsoever, it locates the problem squarely on the individual subject. This book's conception of the world is that it is full of individual problems and it only imagines individual solutions to those problems.
Read Work Won't Love You Back: How Devotion to Our Jobs Keeps Us Exploited, Exhausted, and Alone or Do What You Love and Other Lies About Success and Happiness or Lost in Work: Escaping Capitalism or something instead
Don't get me wrong, I have no interest in defending personality tests I think they are a colossal grift. Classic INFP, right? But my main issue with this book is the same issue I have with most career and self-help books: it lacks critical consciousness, it has no materialist critique whatsoever, it locates the problem squarely on the individual subject. This book's conception of the world is that it is full of individual problems and it only imagines individual solutions to those problems.
Read Work Won't Love You Back: How Devotion to Our Jobs Keeps Us Exploited, Exhausted, and Alone or Do What You Love and Other Lies About Success and Happiness or Lost in Work: Escaping Capitalism or something instead
April 15, 2024
This is the best book I've read this year. It's going in the top 10 of all time.
In "Personality Isn't Permanent" Benjamin Hardy makes a solid case for the idea that your personality should come from your goals, your goals shouldn't come from your personality. Your personality is a fluid thing, not something to be discovered, but designed.
He goes on to explain four major factors that determine our personality, and describes how to shift those factors in your life to achieve your desired outcome.
1. Transform Your Trauma - "We are kept from our goal not by obstacles but by a clear path to a lesser goal." - Robert Brault
2. Shift Your Story - "I firmly believe you should never spend any of your time being the 'former' anything." - Condoleezza Rice
3. Enhance Your Subconscious - "The best of all medicines are rest and fasting." - Benjamin Franklin
4. Redesign Your Environment - "Your input determines your outlook. Your outlook determines your output, and your output determines your future." - Zig Ziglar
With wisdom on every page, Dr. Hardy makes this book an absolute delight to read and leaves the reader feeling empowered and capable of making their future self a reality.
I cannot recommend this book any more strongly. Buy it today, pay for expedited shipping and create your future self.
In "Personality Isn't Permanent" Benjamin Hardy makes a solid case for the idea that your personality should come from your goals, your goals shouldn't come from your personality. Your personality is a fluid thing, not something to be discovered, but designed.
He goes on to explain four major factors that determine our personality, and describes how to shift those factors in your life to achieve your desired outcome.
1. Transform Your Trauma - "We are kept from our goal not by obstacles but by a clear path to a lesser goal." - Robert Brault
2. Shift Your Story - "I firmly believe you should never spend any of your time being the 'former' anything." - Condoleezza Rice
3. Enhance Your Subconscious - "The best of all medicines are rest and fasting." - Benjamin Franklin
4. Redesign Your Environment - "Your input determines your outlook. Your outlook determines your output, and your output determines your future." - Zig Ziglar
With wisdom on every page, Dr. Hardy makes this book an absolute delight to read and leaves the reader feeling empowered and capable of making their future self a reality.
I cannot recommend this book any more strongly. Buy it today, pay for expedited shipping and create your future self.
February 8, 2021
I understand what Hardy is trying to say, and some of it is inspiring in fact, but I really don't think he understands MBTI completely -- and the fact that those who study and use it don't necessarily believe that the types put people in boxes to where we can predict their every move. MBTI can be used in a healthy manner, and since we answer questions about ourselves, it helps give us a reflection of how we see ourselves -- just phrased in a different way. There are definitely also patterns to cognitive functions and motivations of each type... as based off Jung's research. And furthermore, MBTI has changed since Myers and Briggs (who had no training in psychology and are therefore discredited) created it...
I understand the annoying nature of some people who commercialize or put themselves or others in a box due to personality typing, but I do have an authentic self and an internal innate identity who I enjoy learning about, and that has nothing to do with my changing values and interests over time as Hardy suggests. Just because I was a Conservative as a teenager and am now more left leaning does not mean I no longer rely on my introverted intuition to guide my thought patterns.
Also, telling me that Elon Musk wants to live out the end of his life on Mars does not inspire me OR prove to me that he's going to change his personality one day. I'm sorry -- this is just way off.
Surface level conversation and disregard for multiple perspectives.
I understand the annoying nature of some people who commercialize or put themselves or others in a box due to personality typing, but I do have an authentic self and an internal innate identity who I enjoy learning about, and that has nothing to do with my changing values and interests over time as Hardy suggests. Just because I was a Conservative as a teenager and am now more left leaning does not mean I no longer rely on my introverted intuition to guide my thought patterns.
Also, telling me that Elon Musk wants to live out the end of his life on Mars does not inspire me OR prove to me that he's going to change his personality one day. I'm sorry -- this is just way off.
Surface level conversation and disregard for multiple perspectives.
March 15, 2021
To provide some context, I have read Ben Hardy's last book (Willpower Doesn't Work: Discover the Hidden Keys to Success) and regularly read his blog posts. I like his writing style and when I got this book I assumed that I would be in for a good book. I was wrong, this book isn't just "good", it is "great" and has really exceeded my expectations.
The premise of the book is that your past (or your view of it) and as a consequence, your personality, is an active construction of your brain. This construct can be molded based on your current decisions set through your goal or "future self". The author first describes his view of personality and then proceeds to talk about techniques you can use to guide yourself where you want to go. Throughout the book, the author gives you useful journaling prompts and exercises that will help guide you in this process.
I won't get into the nitty-gritty because the book (and some of his blog posts) already do an amazing job. I would urge anyone who is interested to read it for themselves.
The premise of the book is that your past (or your view of it) and as a consequence, your personality, is an active construction of your brain. This construct can be molded based on your current decisions set through your goal or "future self". The author first describes his view of personality and then proceeds to talk about techniques you can use to guide yourself where you want to go. Throughout the book, the author gives you useful journaling prompts and exercises that will help guide you in this process.
I won't get into the nitty-gritty because the book (and some of his blog posts) already do an amazing job. I would urge anyone who is interested to read it for themselves.
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