Slaying the Mermaid: Women and the Culture of Sacrifice

by Stephanie Golden

Slaying the Mermaid addresses the great numbers of women, of all ages, who find themselves constantly disregarding their own well-being to put the needs of others first--even against their will and contrary to their principles--because they cannot face the guilt they would feel if they didn't.
        
Mothers subordinate their smallest needs to their children's; daughters assume the burden of caring for elderly parents; wives sacrifice their careers for their husband's; in the office, women put in extra effort for their coworkers or the boss without making demands for themselves.
        
Despite the great changes over the past thirty years in our ideas about women's role in society and their potential for achievement, many continue to sabotage their own interests, stunt their emotional and intellectual growth, and deny themselves the full richness of life due to excessive self-sacrifice.
        
Drawing on conversations with experts and a diverse array of women, Stephanie Golden examines the dichotomy between selfhood and sacrifice. Using the image of Hans Christian Andersen's Little Mermaid, the ultimate ideal of the self-sacrificing woman who gave up her voice and her life for an unrequited love, Golden offers a new paradigm for in order to run with the wolves, you must first slay the mermaid.
        
Golden helps women become conscious of self-defeating behavior that they may have been blind to or simply ignored. This book will help them reclaim their energy, creativity, and identity, while rediscovering the original, empowering meaning of sacrifice as an expansive and self-fulfilling act.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism

323 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1998

About the author

Got the Girl Scouts' Writer badge (the only one that interested me) when I was 12: that signaled the future. I began writing fiction, but discovered that what really compelled me was literary nonfiction—especially once I developed a way to use a central image as a method of analysis.

An image constrains and focuses thoughts while still allowing great freedom in moving around within it: you can come at your material from many different directions without losing coherence, since the analysis acquires its form from the structure of the image.

I used this method for both my literary nonfiction books:

• For The Women Outside, a study of homeless and marginal women, it was the figure of the witch.

• For Slaying the Mermaid, about women and self-sacrifice, it was Hans Christian Anderson's Little Mermaid.

Literary nonfiction didn't pay the rent, but I like writing books, so I became a book collaborator and wrote five other books with experts.

And since for a freelancer diversifying = security, I started writing all sorts of other things: magazine articles, newsletters, reports for nonprofits, grant proposals, training manuals, and lately websites.

Reviews

[The Emperor Napoleon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was like this is old news, we been knew. Then I realized that this book was published in 1998.

[Tamara Agha-Jaffar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Slaying the Mermaid: Women and the Culture of Sacrifice by Stephanie Golden explores the issue of why so many women are willing to cater to the needs of others even at the expense of sacrificing their personal happiness, psychic health, and physical well-being. Using Hans Christian Andersen’s Little Mermaid as metaphor, Golden compares the behaviors of historical and contemporary women to the mermaid’s willingness to mutilate her body, lose her voice, and endure pain all because of a distorted sense of devotion to another person(s), an ideal, or a cause.

Golden weaves interviews of contemporary women with examples of the behaviors of historical women and with the research of prominent past and present historians, sociologists, psychiatrists, and physicians. Her well-documented research explores the religious and cultural roots of sacrifice and the unequal distribution of the burden placed on women to endure physical and psychological pain for the benefit of others. Women’s conditioning has been so ingrained that many women harbor feelings of guilt if they articulate their personal needs and/or insist on having them addressed. This results in women de-selfing, losing their identity, abandoning their dreams and aspirations, and assuming the guise of victim and/or martyr—a guise which relieves them of personal responsibility. They starve themselves both literally (as in the case of anorexics) and metaphorically from a sense of guilt and need for affirmation.

Golden argues that sacrifice in and of itself is not a bad thing. Sacrifice should be an exercise of conscious, mindful choice. It can and should be constructive, fulfilling, self-enhancing, mutually empowering, and nurturing of oneself as well as of those we serve. Problems arise when sacrifice is stripped of these qualities and, instead, entails self-defeating behaviors, a loss of voice and agency, a willingness to endure ill health and pain, and the surrender of control over one’s life.

Golden’s shuffling between different interview subjects was confusing at times and the central argument became repetitive. In spite of that, however, Slaying the Mermaid: Women and the Culture of Sacrifice has considerable merit. The research is well-documented, all-encompassing, and considers how the intersections of race and class impact the gendered manifestations of sacrifice. Ample concrete examples from the lives of women buttress the claims.

But perhaps more importantly, the study spurs us to examine the motives behind our own sacrifices: Are our sacrifices made by choice? Or are they the result of years of a socialization that promotes the ideal of true womanhood as consisting of self-denial and a willingness to embrace physical and psychological pain in the service of others?

Slaying the Mermaid: Women and the Culture of Sacrifice prompts us to interrogate our own motives. And as such, it provides a valuable service that makes it well worth reading.

[Candi Sary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had read Stephanie Golden's previous book, "The Women Outside: Meanings and Myths of Homelessness," and so I went into "Slaying the Mermaid: Women and the Culture of Sacrifice" knowing what a powerful writer she is. After reading this book, I can't get the concepts out of my mind. Things happen in my life, and I think about the book, and use its perspectives to direct me. A life of self-sacrifice as a feminine ideal was something I hadn't thought much about-- just something I accepted. Golden's book has opened my mind to the distinction between constructive self-sacrifice, and habitual sacrifice that simply drains a woman. She offers examples from real women throughout the book and it makes her concepts come to life. I was especially enlightened by her discussions on women and pain, and scapegoating and power. I am using her guidance to re-examine sacrifice in my own life, and she has given me insight and courage to make appropriate changes. This book came at the perfect time and I appreciate the gift it has been to me.

[Meagan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this would be a good book for someone just starting their journey with feminism and unlearning people pleasing. Even for someone a little more "familiar" with the concepts enclosed therein, I found myself uncomfortably called out with certain descriptions 😅 At other times, it was a bit tedious of a read.

[Jessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won't say I blindly agree with everything in this book. However, it has helped me reshape and prioritize my life in a way that will hopefully be more fulfilling. It has made me grateful for the people in my life like Frank and my mother that have helped me function beyond the pitfalls of sacrifice, and helped me become a happy adult. And it has helped me better understand the needs and motivations of those around me. If that's not success in book form I don't know what is.