Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims

by Darby A. Strickland, Edward T. Welch (Foreword)

God does not intend for marriage to be a place of oppression. Providing practical tools and exercises, biblical counselor Darby Strickland prepares potential helpers to pick up on cues that could point to abuse and investigate them wisely. You will learn how to identify a range of abusive behavior and better understand the impact of abuse on victims--particularly wives. Ultimately, you will become equipped to provide wise and Christ-centered counsel while navigating a difficult and complex situation.

Understanding oppression: Is it abuse? --
The helper's calling --
The dynamics of abuse --
Understanding the impacts of abuse --
Helping the oppressed --
Uncovering oppression: Uncovering physical abuse --
Uncovering sexual abuse --
Uncovering emotional abuse --
Uncovering spiritual abuse --
Uncovering financial abuse --
Upholding the oppressed: Helping mothers and children --
Supporting steps toward freedom --
Appendices: A safety plan --
Ten ways to educate your church --
Detecting red flags during dating --
Premarital abuse assessment --
Abusive argument inventory --
Who are domestic abuse experts?

Genres: Counselling, Abuse, Marriage, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Christian, Faith

352 pages, Paperback

Published September 16, 2020

Reviews

[Dana Schnitzel · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know people who are living with abuse. They're in your church, in your family, in your community. The statistics are staggering and heartbreaking, and this book gives important, biblical guidelines in how to identify and address abuse. Church, let's not stand idly by. We cant afford to keep misidentifying and misadressing what happens in our communities. Start by reading this book, but dont stop there.

[Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are a million books written to address the victims of abuse, but there are very few written to address the community surrounding them. This is one of the latter, and I’m so appreciative of Strickland’s insight and encouragement to those seeking to support their friends. I finished this book equipped with extremely practical ways to engage conversations that may hint at underlying abuse, even if the person is unaware of it.

[Tish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent resource for Biblical counselors in understanding and identifying domestic abuse.It is not an easy read, but it is a necessary read for people working with women or marriages.It is at times overwhelming and heartbreaking to see all the ways that oppressors abuse fellow image-bearers, and it is daunting to think of being in the role of helper in such disorienting situations. The author pulls no punches on the ways friends and the church have failed many of the women she has counseled and in such cases heaped more pain and shame on the abused. Even at 360 pages, this book serves as a beginners resource to help counselors, you will not finish it feeling fully-equipped to minister to the abused but you will be able to more quickly recognize when it is happening. it provides resource recommendations, helpful assessment tools, even for dating and premarital counseling, and probably most helpful, a guide to developing safety plans. The last two chapters on mothers and their children and support moving forward were, for me, the most sobering but also the most impactful. They speak of the fall-out that abused women face, there are no easy paths if they stay with or flee their oppressor and they answer the all-too-naive question, “why doesn’t she just leave him?” This is a serious book on a very serious topic and I am thankful that the author has written it, the church and Biblical counselors must be able to identify and respond well to abuse.

[Stephen Hoogerhyde · Rating 5 out of 5]

The subtitle of this book describes it well. This was not by any means an easy book to read; the author made it very understandable, but the subject matter is painful. At times I was filled with anger at oppressors, and at times tearful at the plight of victims. Yet, given the prevalence of domestic abuse in our society (one in four women suffer physical abuse from a domestic partner), it is a necessary book to read. And as the author points out, do not think that the church is exempt from this problem.

I appreciated the author’s honesty, particularly as she related mistakes she herself had made while learning how to uncover abuse and assist victims; as she explained how long the process is for victims to recover; and as she details how many people are necessary to care for victims of abuse. Dealing with abuse is a long and difficult process, and she doesn’t hide or sugarcoat the problems.

The first part of the book deals with understanding oppression. It contains chapters on determining if abuse is present, the helper’s calling, the dynamics of abuse, the impacts of abuse, and helping the oppressed. The second part explains how to uncover the various types of abuse: physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, and financial. I was surprised to learn that although emotional abuse is the most difficult to detect, it is often the most damaging to victims.

The last part of the book details how to uphold the victims of abuse, which includes the children of a marriage. The author also includes numerous helpful appendixes. There is a template for creating a safety plan, ways to educate your church about this issue, screening for abuse during the dating, premarital, and marriage phases, and a significant number of resources for both victims and their helpers.

Every Christian counselor should read this book, Lord willing before they encounter an abuse victim. This book is a must read for pastors and elders, since they likely have some people in their congregation who are suffering abuse. Deacons would also profit by reading this book, since they may be called upon to assist abuse victims.

Darby Strickland has done a tremendous service by writing this book. May God bless her, and may He increase the number of counselors who are experienced in helping victims of abuse and their families!

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that 1) I don't *want* to recommend, and that 2) I really couldn't recommend enough:
1) Abuse is a grievous and pervasive reality (ps, within the church too), and reading this book will painfully bring this evil to light. After reading, you won't be able to un-know and un-see what you now have the awareness of and the eyes for (and God forbid that possibility)
2) Darby has walked alongside so many of His daughters experiencing this evil, and this book is a wealth (read: wealth) of wisdom. Would that (I and) every Christian learn and display this wise compassion for those who are oppressed

[Samuel G. Parkison · Rating 5 out of 5]

I resent the circumstances that book this book into my hands, but I praise God for the book itself. “Is It Abuse?” would be great for any church member to read, but I consider it (or another book like it) practically mandatory for pastors. Too many pastors are caught flat-footed on this issue. It’s better to be proactive.

[C.H. Cobb · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read book for those who counsel women who are abused by their husbands. Strickland provides tools to assess both the kind and level of abuse. She also provides an invaluable annotated resource list in the appendices. If you can afford only one book that guides a counselor in biblical ways to come alongside an abused woman, this is that book. Highly recommended, five stars.

[Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heavy read, but amazing resource.

[Namito Yokota · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of my most important reads of the year. With the stat mentioned in the book of 1 in 5 women has been abused within the church, I think it’s a must read for everyone, especially Jesus followers. Highly recommend 🤌🏼

[Kelton Zacharias · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hard to stomach, but incredibly wise and helpful.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars, rounded up.

This incredibly thorough book addresses the topic of domestic abuse from a biblical lens, helping Christians understand the dynamics of abuse so that they can help women who are suffering in oppressive marriages. Darby A. Strickland first became involved in this form of ministry when she became aware of subtle, secret issues in a friend's marriage, and since that time, she has counseled many victims and helped them make decisions for their future. Previously, Strickland has shared her wisdom with the church through other writings and presentations, but this book is her thorough and intensive approach to helping Christian friends, counselors, and pastors understand abuse and help victims.

Strickland uses the language of "oppression" as a biblical way to understand abuse, drawing the reader's attention to different Scripture passages about God's heart for the oppressed. She dismantles culturally Christian views of marriage and submission that distort the Bible and enable oppressors, and challenges her readers to reconsider any beliefs that would cause them to blame victims, fail to hold oppressors accountable, or keep abuse invisible and ignored in their churches. She also includes information in the appendices about resources that people can access, emphasizing that caring friends should never try to handle everything on their own, but should reach out to professional and legal aid when necessary.

Equipping Helpers

During the first part of this book, Strickland focuses on explaining abuse and providing resources for helpers. She encourages her readers to consider their own well-being to prevent burnout, and shares from personal experience about how important it is for helpers to get support, and to make sure that they are only assisting victims in ways that will support their ultimate flourishing. Throughout the book, she shares anecdotes about her own missteps along the way, showing what she has learned from women who have challenged her on ways that she might take over, push them too far, or express personal opinions that they feel bossed or controlled by. She emphasizes the importance of restoring a victim's agency, instead of making decisions for her or telling her what to think, and emphasizes the long-haul process of abuse recognition and recovery.

Strickland explains that because victims may hide the true nature of their marriages out of shame, or may not understand how abnormal or unacceptable their husband's behavior is, it is vital for helpers to ask assessing questions on a regular basis, building their understanding of the marriage over time. She encourages helpers to avoid labeling a marriage as abusive early on, since victims may not be ready to acknowledge this, and explains that helpers need to look for ongoing patterns of coercion and control. Even though it can be difficult at times to distinguish garden variety marital problems from abuse, when helpers ask the right questions, they can identify patterns of coercive power that indicate a larger problem.

Different Forms of Abuse

Strickland provides examples of probing questions that helpers can ask, and in the second part of the book, she addresses how Christians can uncover and deal with physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse in the lives of victims. She includes case studies from women she has helped, and even though these chapters can be very difficult to read, they help readers understand the devastation that oppression causes, and the long-term and escalating consequences of living with a spouse who disrespects your boundaries, exploits you for their own gain, and uses cruelty and threats to keep you under their control. Strickland emphasizes the importance of developing a safety plan, and includes a possible template among the different appendices in the back of the book.

She also writes about the difficult decisions that women have to make. and even though she urges anyone who is facing escalating physical violence to develop a safety plan and escape as soon as possible, she acknowledges the financial and social challenges that women face when leaving an abusive marriage, and writes about women who choose to stay. Strickland addresses how churches can confront spouses and try to call them to repentance, showing that even though spouses often refuse to acknowledge their sin, manipulate helpers, and are unwilling resolve their issues, women often feel freer to end their marriages once they are sure that they have done all that they can do. She also notes that in some rare cases, oppressive husbands truly do repent and change, but she encourages churches and helpers to continue monitoring the situation and remain involved for the long haul.

Other Concerns

Another chapter addresses the complications that women with children face. Strickland shares advice for how helpers can support mothers, and includes diagnostic questions related to whether or not the children have experienced abuse, are aware of the abuse that their mother is facing, or have witnessed violence in their home. She details the possible consequences that children from troubled home environments may experience throughout their lives, ensuring that people are aware how serious the situation is, but she also encourages readers that children can overcome these risk factors through appropriate counseling and support. This chapter is primarily directed towards the mother, not to helpers, but the information and perspective are helpful for both.

Strickland also writes about ways that helpers can promote awareness of abuse, get their churches involved, and deal with situations where pastors and church leaders disbelieve women or are unwilling to support decisions for divorce. However, Strickland's personal experience has primarily involved supportive and helpful churches, and I wish that she had included more information for people in hostile church environments. Also, even though Strickland provides accurate interpretations of Bible verses that people commonly misuse, explaining why it is never acceptable for a church to counsel a woman to submit to abuse, her writing about divorce is fairly brief. Given what an obstacle it is for many Christian women to think of ending their marriages, I wish that she had provided even more information and an even fuller biblical perspective on when divorce is appropriate.

What About Abused Men?

This book exclusively addresses female victims. At the beginning, Strickland explains that because domestic abuse is a "gendered" problem, even though men can be abuse victims, she only focuses on women throughout the book. She backs this up with statistics and her own experience, but because men are less likely to report abuse, much less approach a female counselor about it, her experience doesn't necessarily reflect the number of abused men in her church and community.

In the introduction, she says that churches can also use this book to help men, but I am concerned that this side-note will get lost in the rest of the material, and that if pastors and counselors learn to always see the man as a problem without any countering examples of female abusers, it will be even more difficult for an abused man to seek help. In a less comprehensive book, this wouldn’t matter as much, but Is it Abuse? is so incredibly thorough and detailed that a church could build a domestic violence ministry around it, and I am concerned that such a ministry could have significant blind spots to male victims.

Absolutely, men are far less likely to be victimized than women, but there are ways to acknowledge their experiences without deflecting attention from female victims, and I wish that Strickland had included at least one chapter about male victims, or brought up female-on-male oppression in the chapters about emotional and spiritual abuse, which men are more likely to experience than physical forms of abuse. Even though Strickland does acknowledge abused men in the introduction, she does not share any illustrative examples or address how churches can approach marriages with female abusers. This is why I am giving this book 4.5 instead of 5 stars.

Conclusion

This is an incredibly thorough resource that will define domestic abuse in the minds of many Christians, and I am thankful that Strickland has shared her expertise and wisdom with the church. This book will help friends, counselors, and pastors understand the dynamics of oppression and assess troubled marriages for warning signs, and provides detailed guidance for how they can support abuse victims over the long haul. I wish that this book had addressed the experiences of male victims, and am concerned that the exclusively female focus may make male victims' experiences even more invisible, but this book is an excellent guide to a deeply important and threatening problem facing both society and the church. Even though this book is imperfect, as any guide to such a complicated topic would be, it is incredibly thorough and wise, and I highly recommend it to Christian readers.

I received a free digital copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book.
I’m thankful to have this resource as I have known multiple people in abusive relationships, and it’s far more common than I realized. This book provided a lot of clarity for identifying abusive patterns, and it also provided lots of scripture that helped me (and would help victims) see God’s heart for them in the midst of their suffering.

[Ashlee Schmidt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible resource for anyone walking alongside those suffering in oppressive relationships. God’s compassionate and tender heart for the broken was highlighted again and again, biblical hope was offered abundantly, and each chapter was filled with helpful evaluations and exercises, wise reflections, and thoughtful suggestions for care.

[Jeff King · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Best book I’ve read on understanding the devastating effects of spiritual and emotional abuse on a spouse. Her biblical category of “oppression” is convincing and helpful. Anyone involved in counseling in the local church should read this book!

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend. This was so helpful for me to wrap my mind around domestic abuse and the proper response to it. My only critique is that she didn’t give much guidance how to deal with a church that doesn’t take abuse seriously or promotes an abusive environment.

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book. Helpful, Challenging, Convicting, and Hopegiving.

[Heidi Weiler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provides a practical and realistic look at domestic violence. I highly recommend it for anyone who is in any capacity working with women, but especially for mentors.

[Grace Cox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sobering, essential reading

As hard as it is to read, what is worse is turning an ignorant or blind eye to the realities of domestic abuse that occurs right under our very noses.

[Danielle Espenshade · Rating 5 out of 5]

read a book last year that made me want to dig into this subject deeper. Abuse is running rampant in our churches and it is honestly horrifying... especially when I have young daughters to possibly hand off at some point 🥺I read this book and another to compare them and get a different viewpoint from different denominations. I prefer this book but I'll give you a review of the other as well later this month.

I loved that this author wasn't messing around. She didn't just talk about the physical violence.... she actually talked about emotional abuse, financial abuse, and spiritual abuse. She also made it abundantly clear that handling this as a "marriage problem" isn't ever going to work. It is not a marriage problem, but an abuse problem. For example, if a woman is not communicating biblically with her spouse we tend to correct her... and only her. If, however, we look deeper and find she is being abused we really can't start there. The abuse must be dealt with before her reaction to the abuse. Also, she will never be "good enough" to earn his approval. Telling her to be more submissive or more loving is not going to solve abuse.

It is often difficult to read the situation from the outside because it can certainly look like these are common, ordinary marriage issues (aside from the physical abuse). Look for oppression and you will find abuse.

I think anyone in church leadership or in women's ministries should read this pronto but even if you suspect a friend is dealing with oppression, this book will help you talk to her. The author has great probing questions and helpful lists to guide you.

[Cagefighter18 · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for navigating abuse, and also understanding somewhat of others experience in abuse so that we can care for them and love them.

[Ben Franks · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently read through Darby Strickland’s new book, Is it Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims. Strickland is a graduate of Westminster Seminary and a counselor with CCEF. She has produced a truly exceptional book. The book came out last year and has been very helpfully summarized and reviewed already. If you want to get a taste for what is covered and why it is so helpful, check out these twin reviews by OPC Pastor, Daniel Patterson (https://opc.org/review.html?review_id...), and OPC Ruling Elder, Joseph W. Smith (https://opc.org/os.html?article_id=865) If pastors, counselors, and church members could only read one book on the subject this is the one I would recommend.

Since the book has been so helpfully summarized in the reviews I link to above, I won’t bog down this reflection by rehearsing all the details of what Strickland covers. In a nutshell, she tries to accomplish three things. 1) She wants to help those who haven’t experienced or witnessed abuse to gain a better understanding of what abuse is and why it happens. 2) She wants to equip us to identify when abuse has taken place (whether that abuse be physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, and/or financial). 3) She wants to offer wisdom and resources for how to help those who are suffering under abuse.

Contributions:

As she works towards these three goals she does three things that I found particularly useful.

1) She roots her understanding of both the problems and solutions to abuse in the Scriptures. So much of the literature on abuse either replaces the Word of God with the wisdom of the world or it reflects a one-dimensional and superficial interaction with the Bible which offers victims easy answers and black-and-white conclusions. Strickland, however, shows a deep understanding and intimate familiarity with the way in which biblical passages, categories, and stories fit within the broader redemptive-historical story of Scripture. She brings this biblical emphasis and wisdom to bear in ways that help us understand abuse, identify abuse, and help those who are suffering abuse.

2) She draws on her years of experience in counseling to fill her chapters with examples and stories of conversations with abused women. This helps to build empathy and understanding (as it helps those who haven’t experienced or witnessed abuse to get a better sense of the distorting and damaging impact of domestic abuse) and it helps to build confidence for the counselor as we get the chance to see how someone with more experience navigated these situations and conversations.

3) Strickland supplies very useful inventories of questions which the pastor or counselor can use when working with victims of abuse. These practical tools (together with the extensive practical helps offered in the appendices) make this book an invaluable resource for those who are actually called to work with victims personally.

For all of these reasons, this book is well worth reading. Overall, I think it is a resource that will bless the church. In light of the increased attention which has been given to abuse in our churches and in the broader culture, I think this book can be particularly useful for local pastors and church sessions who are grappling with how to respond to these issues. However, there are a few areas where I would want to balance out some of the book’s conclusions or emphases.

Cautions:

The primary caveat or caution I would offer is that Strickland (at least as I understood her) seems to assume that an abused wife will most likely need to leave her abusive husband. While it seems obvious to me that a woman who is in imminent physical danger should be encouraged to separate from her abusive husband to protect herself or her children while the church and the state step in to help, I think we need to be much less quick to encourage divorce in cases of abuse. My reservations about this grow out of at least two concerns.

The first is that there is not a clear consensus in our churches about whether or not abuse is an acceptable grounds for divorce. This uncertainty is particularly evident when dealing with more subtle forms of abuse (such as emotional or spiritual) where physical or sexual abuse are absent. For those of us in the Reformed tradition, The Westminster Confession of Faith chapter 24, Of Marriage and Divorce, paragraphs 5 & 6 summarize the biblical grounds for divorce:

5. Adultery or fornication committed after a contract, being detected before marriage, giveth just occasion to the innocent party to dissolve that contract. In the case of adultery after marriage, it is lawful for the innocent party to sue out a divorce: and, after the divorce, to marry another, as if the offending party were dead.

6. Although the corruption of man be such as is apt to study arguments unduly to put asunder those whom God hath joined together in marriage: yet, nothing but adultery, or such willful desertion as can no way be remedied by the church, or civil magistrate, is cause sufficient of dissolving the bond of marriage: wherein, a public and orderly course of proceeding is to be observed; and the persons concerned in it not left to their own wills, and discretion, in their own case.

Many pages have been filled unpacking and debating these paragraphs but the heart of the debate here is over what is included in the second grounds given: “willfull desertion.” I’m personally sympathetic to the argument that abuse (as carefully and exhaustively defined by Strickland) can be included here, but not everyone would agree with that. So this is simply an area where those who take a more narrow understanding of the grounds for divorce (or who are working with a Session who holds a more narrow view) would want to be aware of as they read the book.

My second concern or reservation requires a bit more unpacking. Strickland helps us to see that one of the ways that abusers oppress their victims is by systematically dismantling their agency. Therefore, one of the ways to help an abused woman heal is to help restore that agency through reminding her of her true worth and identity in Christ. However, I worry that Strickland might at times allow the biblical priority of restoring agency to turn into an unbiblical priority of encouraging autonomy. Specifically, I’m concerned that some might read Strickland’s book and wrongly conclude that the church can only step into a situation when and how the wife dictates (see pages 294-295 for one example of a passage which might lean in this direction).

My concern is that a woman who is suffering abuse (a reality which is already deeply disorienting and isolating) would forgo the biblical protection and wisdom of her God-appointed Elders as she grapples with how to respond to abuse. I understand that victims of abuse will need great patience and sensitivity. These are not easy struggles to bring into the light and that struggle can be amplified when a woman has to bring such intimate and shame-filled concerns to a room full of men who are leaders in the church. But there must come a point where the shepherds step in to shepherd. This becomes particularly important both when there are children in the home and if the future of the marriage is in question.

This is where my two concerns come together. Even if you understand “willfull desertion” as a phrase which can encompass abuse, the Confession very wisely qualifies that “willfull desertion” as being such “as can no way be remedied by the church, or civil magistrate[.]” In other words, a woman (even if she is being abused) should not simply decide when she thinks the marriage has run its course. To do so would be to forfeit the wisdom of the church and the support offered by brothers and sisters in the faith. It would also short-circuit the work of the elders who are called to shepherd both her and her husband. If an abusive husband proves himself to be an unbeliever who has broken the marriage covenant, I can certainly envision scenarios where a Session might support a wife’s decision to divorce her husband. Nevertheless, that is a decision which should never be made apart from God’s ordained leaders in the church. As the Confession also notes: “the corruption of man be such as is apt to study arguments unduly to put asunder those whom God hath joined together in marriage[.]”

Overall, the book helpfully highlights the complexity and subtlety of the issue of abuse. What I want to avoid is a simplistic reading of Strickland’s book which assumes that our task is simply to label a relationship as abuse and then to pursue divorce as the common “solution” to the problem of abuse. While there will be situations where abuse in a relationship ends that relationship and where divorce may be the right way forward, we should be slow to give the impression that this is always the right way forward.

Conclusion:

There are many qualifications and nuances which could be given to what I’ve written above. No doubt some will read this review and conclude that I’m naively narrowing the grounds for divorce while others will conclude that I’m wrongly broadening them beyond what Scripture teaches. I am open to being instructed from God’s Word, but at this point in my understanding I want to guard against simplistic or “one-size-fits-all” answers to such complex issues. I don’t believe that Scripture removes divorce as a possibility in every instance nor do I believe that Scripture allows us to rush to divorce without seeking careful guidance from the church in which God has placed us.

Nevertheless, I think Strickland’s book is a resource which will greatly aid churches (and church leaders specifically) as they seek to encourage and shepherd victims of abuse. So much of the pain which has come from hearing stories of abuse has been amplified by the ways in which the response of the church has added to or ignored the pain which victims have already suffered. Sometimes this has been done selfishly and maliciously. But I suspect it has most often happened because pastors and elders don’t always know how best to respond to these difficult and delicate situations. So I’m grateful that Strickland has given us a resource that we can read through and discuss to help us be prepared to shepherd Christ’s sheep well. May the church reflect the tenderness and justice of our God who stands against oppressors and comes to the aid of the oppressed!

[Lynette · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book, that takes you into the world of women who are domestically abused. It gives excellent tools to untangle the world of lies that have been spun by oppressors, and help equip women to think and act rightly if they are being oppressed. I love that this book is saturated in rich Biblical truths. I love that this book treats this subject with much sensitivity and caution. Darby helps us to learn how to enter into an oppressed woman's world, and learn how to help effectively, rather than seeking to swoop in and save. Darby seeks to help oppressed women to learn how to help themselves, with wise counsel and care from friends and church.

However, this book is strictly for women who are abused. I do believe the most emphasis should be on that! It does have one chapter on children. More could have been said on care for children though. And Darby does not address men or children who are abused by wives or mothers. Sadly, women do abuse too, and I wish Darby had spoken to this particularly complicated circumstance. Things are obviously different when the abuser is a woman (she might not be stronger). But it would have been really helpful to hear more on how to love well and come alongside men and children who are abused by women.

[Chris Henderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Darby Strickland’s book on abuse is very good. Primarily written to address abuse between a husband and wife, she is able to systematically help you to understand different types of abuse and offers many resources in the book including a safety plan. It’s clear that most of the practical resources and application of the book are written to a counselor of the victim more than friends and family who want to help and be educated. This book carries a somber tone throughout, as fitting with a book on abuse, and Darby Strickland repeatedly warns that there is no room for error when working with abuse victims. Pastors and church leaders should pick up a copy of this book and consider her words and exhortations, even if they pragmatically differ in certain areas. Abuse in the church, tragically, may be more common than we think and Darby’s book is a must-read discourse on the topic.

[Jenny Hietbrink · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every church leader should read this book at some point, and I hate that I need to say that, but there is an epidemic of all kinds of abuse that continues to thrive in churches. This book is gospel oriented, packed with sound theology and scripture, gives very practical and helpful checklists to help identify abuse as well as true repentance, and provides examples of clear and compassionate responses to victims as well as oppressors. The topic of abuse is heavy and often confusing, but honestly after reading this book I feel like helping families in these situations no longer feels like an insurmountable mountain, and I feel much more equipped. Thankful to have read it.

[Tanner Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Strickland has seen countless abusers wreak havoc on those whom they are supposed to love. Her main advice is to listen, to really be present, and to be prepared to commit months and years to helping individuals work through trauma (even while they are still in it). The book was incredibly practical, anyone who may know someone who experiences spiritual, emotional, sexual, financial, or physical abuse should read this book.

[Lindsey Sieders · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the most important books I read this year. This book is well outlined and gives very practical and helpful guidelines on how to spot abuse, but also how to navigate difficult situations. She equips the reader with biblical truth and understands the complexity of church life.

I would recommend this for all men and women in leadership roles. This is one that is on my bookshelf and will be an important resource for years to come.

[Allie Osborn · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re a Christian and believe it’s important to take care of the church, I implore you to read this book. Darby debunks misconceptions about abuse and gives you the tools to understand it more holistically. Reading this book helps you understand victims of abuse and empathize with them *without* making them relive every part of their story.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heavy read. Heartbreaking to see the statistics on abuse and to see how women (and sometimes men) suffer physically, emotionally, at the hands of power-seeking individuals. This helped me to recognize signs of abuse, how to engage in dialogue to free someone up to share….and the long journey required to help someone out of it.

[Megan Meisberger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Darby knocked this one out of the park. Excellent resource on domestic abuse: understanding it and very practical advice to help those who are in it. I highly recommend reading this before you are actually having to deal with it yourself.

[Joshua Schwisow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heavy subject matter, but a very helpful, clarifying book. Darby Strickland clearly brings a wealth of experience on this topic.