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I Don't Agree: Why We Can't Stop Fighting - And How to Get Great Stuff Done Despite Our Differences
Did you know you're likely to have had over 89,000 heated altercations with your closest relations before you reached the age of eight? By age 16, thousands more hours will have been spent by most of us in some form of disagreement with those in our extended social networks. As a species, we're well practised at falling out with each other. We may even have a gene for it - certainly, some of us seem to be gifted. When it comes to finding resolutions, however, things don't come quite so naturally: as much as 90% of all inter-personal conflicts never reach agreement. But it doesn't have to be this way. I Don't Agree is a fascinating exploration of new, powerful and surprising solutions to an ancient problem: why we disagree so much. It shows how to sidestep our animosities and get great things done, despite our differences. Underpinned by cutting-edge research and academic thinking (as well as fascinating real-life case studies and easy-to-use tools), author and marketeer Michael Brown reveals the eye-opening secrets that can lead to better leadership, stronger teams, swifter promotions, more effective collaboration, better organisational culture - as well as radically improving your life outside of work.
- GenresNonfictionBusiness
172 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 1, 2020
13 people are currently reading
491 people want to read
About the author
Michael Brown
1 book8 followersMichael is a business founder, a long-term managing director, part of the leadership group of an organisation of over 4,000 people, and social enterprise pioneer – helping to create, launch and lead what is thought to be the world’s first mental health drop-in centre inside a soup kitchen. Michael’s interest in the psychology of conflict and compromise arose after spectacularly falling out with his fellow shareholders in a business he led for a decade. The lessons learned positively informed the culture of his next venture, now an international marketing organisation, and gave rise to I Don’t Agree.
Michael is a published writer, but this is his first book. He lives in Brighton with Katy, Jake, Freddie, Millie and Tessie - who is a Shi-Tzu. He plays the saxophone when feeling stressed, and was once a sticker in Smash Hits.
Michael is a published writer, but this is his first book. He lives in Brighton with Katy, Jake, Freddie, Millie and Tessie - who is a Shi-Tzu. He plays the saxophone when feeling stressed, and was once a sticker in Smash Hits.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
November 30, 2020
Behavioural Psychology is at play in all areas of our life and with 1/3 of our lives spent at work, what the author manages to do here is to pay credence as to why the most successful 'life position' one can choose to occupy in a business environment, to borrow the words of Thomas Harris, is one of 'I'm OK and you're OK'. How do you actually practice this in business? The book sets out steps, as tried and tested by the author, and is a rallying call for collaboration and mutuality within the business sphere. If we want to build successful businesses, the author proposes we are best placed to lead with this. On the whole, an engaging book that is ambitious in its aims and delivers with a light touch.
September 17, 2020
I listened to the audio version of this book and Ian Pringle has a lovely voice. I think I would love anything he read. The book was very interesting and if I was in the business world I would have enjoyed it more. But the way Michael Brown writes using many of his life experiences the book is a good read.
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May 9, 2022Develop a strategy for getting multiple stakeholders onboard.
As you’ve learned from the high-stakes world of hostage negotiation, resolving conflict is about being able to understand the other person’s position. Nowhere is this skill more useful than when you’re trying to get agreement from multiple stakeholders.
Take an example from the author’s own work. He and his team conjured up a publicity stunt to promote Pixar’s new movie Up. They proposed to fly a hot air balloon along the Thames and through London’s Tower Bridge.
This was a bit of a crazy idea that would depend on the permission from a host of people: the Civil Aviation Authority, Tower Bridge, the local council, and the list continued. The author couldn’t just march in and demand to fly a balloon down the Thames. He needed to come up with a careful strategy to get everyone on board.
First of all, he made a list of all the people who might have an objection to the plan. Then, he placed himself in their shoes and thought about why they might have objections. Doing that experiment allowed him to imagine some potential concerns, like, what happens if the balloon flies off course? And, how will it affect other traffic on the Thames? By thinking through these objections, he was able to proactively look for solutions before the negotiations even began.
Thirdly, he sought out an influential ally. Humans are famously risk-averse. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman has proved that people are more scared of losing 100 dollars than they are motivated to gain 150 dollars. Basically, they’ll almost always take the more conservative position, especially if presented with a crazy plan. But if someone else influential is on board, then those same people might become scared of missing out on a good thing. So you can leverage the psychology of risk-aversion to work in your favor.
Lastly, the author approached all the stakeholders for a face-to-face meeting. But he didn’t just barge in and flood them with all the details. Like the hostage negotiators, he first took the time to build rapport by asking lots of questions and presenting it as a collaborative problem-solving idea. If the stakeholder’s first reaction was no, then he made sure to get a specific reason. That way, he could turn the no into a provisional yes by offering a concrete solution. For example, the Tower Bridge authorities were concerned that the balloon might run into a bridge. In response, the author suggested tethering the balloon to a barge, which would provide security that that wouldn’t happen.
It was a hard sell, but on one beautiful dawn morning, the author and his team stood on the stern of a tugboat, witnessing the enormous hot air balloon sailing along the Thames; an image that made its way into newspapers all around the world. By understanding how to resolve conflicts, he’d managed to turn all those nos into a yes.
---
Discover how much of your worldview is culturally learned and become sensitive to differences.
Cultural differences don’t stop at body language. More fundamentally, they can shape our core values and how we imagine our communities. Seventy percent of the people in the world come from collectivist cultures. That means that they live in societies that put the needs of the group ahead of the individual, and value familial relationships and connectedness above all.
The remaining 30 percent come from individualist cultures, which is most customary in the West. Individualist cultures see individuals as being autonomous from society and envision personal rights as sacred. Western societies are so steeped in this individualist culture that it seems almost unthinkable that another way of looking at society is possible. And, yet, most of the world does.
In today’s globalized world, our societies are becoming more diverse, due to, amongst other things, mass migration. Virtually, we’re all connected on social media in ways we never were before. This diversity can be a boon to your organization if you learn to communicate effectively with people from different cultural backgrounds. If not, your working relationships could be fraught with misinterpretations and disagreements.
For example, someone from America has usually grown up in a culture that equates success with accomplishments. In the boardroom, this means that they’re fixated on closing the deal. However, someone who has grown up in Japan will have absorbed the cultural message that a person’s success comes from the strength of their relationships. That means that the interpersonal dynamics will be of paramount importance to them when doing business. Closing the deal is only as important as the strength of the collaboration.
If the American executive loses interest in the relationship as soon as the deal is done, this may be very offensive to their Japanese counterpart, leading to a conflict or a breakdown of the whole working relationship. Learning to understand different cultural perspectives is essential to improving your communication skills in the boardroom.
---
Bridge the animosity gap by acknowledging your opponent’s point of view.
Some disagreements are so acrimonious that they seem impossible to resolve. Think of the furious fighting between Democrats and Republicans in the US. Or a couple slinging insults at each other in a very nasty divorce.
This is what the author calls the animosity gap. This violent disagreement usually starts small when two people have a difference of opinion. But if they don’t resolve it, things can escalate. Each party becomes more and more attached to its own position and starts to view the opposing party as the enemy. They both start to suffer from confirmation bias: their brains constantly look for new evidence to prove they’re right while ignoring all the signs that the other person may have a point. At that stage, animosity completely clouds their judgment and rational abilities.
Animosity can cause you to completely discredit the opinions of the other person. Often, this happens very early in the interaction as the result of unconscious bias. Extensive research has shown that we like people who are similar to us, and instinctively dislike those who are different. That plays out especially when it comes to race, class, and gender. So, while we may think we’re open to everyone’s point of view, it’s likely that we make up our minds about what they think before they even open their mouths.
The animosity gap is very destructive. How can you collaborate or negotiate effectively if you can’t even hear what the other person is saying?
Professor of management and organizations at UCLA Corinne Bendersky has one concrete solution, which she calls status affirmation. What that means is that you explicitly acknowledge the status of the person you’re in a dispute with before launching into your counter-argument.
For example, you could say “I hear what you’re saying, and respect how clearly you’ve formulated your opinions.” Or, “I know you’re an expert in this area and you’ve given me a lot to think about.” Simply acknowledging the other person’s legitimacy lays the foundation for a more constructive discussion – and makes it much more likely that they will listen to you, too.
As you’ve learned from the high-stakes world of hostage negotiation, resolving conflict is about being able to understand the other person’s position. Nowhere is this skill more useful than when you’re trying to get agreement from multiple stakeholders.
Take an example from the author’s own work. He and his team conjured up a publicity stunt to promote Pixar’s new movie Up. They proposed to fly a hot air balloon along the Thames and through London’s Tower Bridge.
This was a bit of a crazy idea that would depend on the permission from a host of people: the Civil Aviation Authority, Tower Bridge, the local council, and the list continued. The author couldn’t just march in and demand to fly a balloon down the Thames. He needed to come up with a careful strategy to get everyone on board.
First of all, he made a list of all the people who might have an objection to the plan. Then, he placed himself in their shoes and thought about why they might have objections. Doing that experiment allowed him to imagine some potential concerns, like, what happens if the balloon flies off course? And, how will it affect other traffic on the Thames? By thinking through these objections, he was able to proactively look for solutions before the negotiations even began.
Thirdly, he sought out an influential ally. Humans are famously risk-averse. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman has proved that people are more scared of losing 100 dollars than they are motivated to gain 150 dollars. Basically, they’ll almost always take the more conservative position, especially if presented with a crazy plan. But if someone else influential is on board, then those same people might become scared of missing out on a good thing. So you can leverage the psychology of risk-aversion to work in your favor.
Lastly, the author approached all the stakeholders for a face-to-face meeting. But he didn’t just barge in and flood them with all the details. Like the hostage negotiators, he first took the time to build rapport by asking lots of questions and presenting it as a collaborative problem-solving idea. If the stakeholder’s first reaction was no, then he made sure to get a specific reason. That way, he could turn the no into a provisional yes by offering a concrete solution. For example, the Tower Bridge authorities were concerned that the balloon might run into a bridge. In response, the author suggested tethering the balloon to a barge, which would provide security that that wouldn’t happen.
It was a hard sell, but on one beautiful dawn morning, the author and his team stood on the stern of a tugboat, witnessing the enormous hot air balloon sailing along the Thames; an image that made its way into newspapers all around the world. By understanding how to resolve conflicts, he’d managed to turn all those nos into a yes.
---
Discover how much of your worldview is culturally learned and become sensitive to differences.
Cultural differences don’t stop at body language. More fundamentally, they can shape our core values and how we imagine our communities. Seventy percent of the people in the world come from collectivist cultures. That means that they live in societies that put the needs of the group ahead of the individual, and value familial relationships and connectedness above all.
The remaining 30 percent come from individualist cultures, which is most customary in the West. Individualist cultures see individuals as being autonomous from society and envision personal rights as sacred. Western societies are so steeped in this individualist culture that it seems almost unthinkable that another way of looking at society is possible. And, yet, most of the world does.
In today’s globalized world, our societies are becoming more diverse, due to, amongst other things, mass migration. Virtually, we’re all connected on social media in ways we never were before. This diversity can be a boon to your organization if you learn to communicate effectively with people from different cultural backgrounds. If not, your working relationships could be fraught with misinterpretations and disagreements.
For example, someone from America has usually grown up in a culture that equates success with accomplishments. In the boardroom, this means that they’re fixated on closing the deal. However, someone who has grown up in Japan will have absorbed the cultural message that a person’s success comes from the strength of their relationships. That means that the interpersonal dynamics will be of paramount importance to them when doing business. Closing the deal is only as important as the strength of the collaboration.
If the American executive loses interest in the relationship as soon as the deal is done, this may be very offensive to their Japanese counterpart, leading to a conflict or a breakdown of the whole working relationship. Learning to understand different cultural perspectives is essential to improving your communication skills in the boardroom.
---
Bridge the animosity gap by acknowledging your opponent’s point of view.
Some disagreements are so acrimonious that they seem impossible to resolve. Think of the furious fighting between Democrats and Republicans in the US. Or a couple slinging insults at each other in a very nasty divorce.
This is what the author calls the animosity gap. This violent disagreement usually starts small when two people have a difference of opinion. But if they don’t resolve it, things can escalate. Each party becomes more and more attached to its own position and starts to view the opposing party as the enemy. They both start to suffer from confirmation bias: their brains constantly look for new evidence to prove they’re right while ignoring all the signs that the other person may have a point. At that stage, animosity completely clouds their judgment and rational abilities.
Animosity can cause you to completely discredit the opinions of the other person. Often, this happens very early in the interaction as the result of unconscious bias. Extensive research has shown that we like people who are similar to us, and instinctively dislike those who are different. That plays out especially when it comes to race, class, and gender. So, while we may think we’re open to everyone’s point of view, it’s likely that we make up our minds about what they think before they even open their mouths.
The animosity gap is very destructive. How can you collaborate or negotiate effectively if you can’t even hear what the other person is saying?
Professor of management and organizations at UCLA Corinne Bendersky has one concrete solution, which she calls status affirmation. What that means is that you explicitly acknowledge the status of the person you’re in a dispute with before launching into your counter-argument.
For example, you could say “I hear what you’re saying, and respect how clearly you’ve formulated your opinions.” Or, “I know you’re an expert in this area and you’ve given me a lot to think about.” Simply acknowledging the other person’s legitimacy lays the foundation for a more constructive discussion – and makes it much more likely that they will listen to you, too.
Read
February 13, 2023Read the summary on this book. Some cool advice collected.
FIVE MOVES OF MULTIPLE-STAKEHOLER NEGOTIATING
1. Establish who might say no to your proposal.
2. Use 'self-distancing' techniques to see the endeavor from the naysayers' pov
3. Identify and rank the likelihood of all the risks that associate with your proposal, and work to reduce the probability and severity of those risks.
4. Find an influential third party to champion your cause
5. Close the deal by making the other people feel like valued partners, with an equal stake in the operation. Offer thoughtful counter-measures for any concerns.
FIVE MOVES OF MULTIPLE-STAKEHOLER NEGOTIATING
1. Establish who might say no to your proposal.
2. Use 'self-distancing' techniques to see the endeavor from the naysayers' pov
3. Identify and rank the likelihood of all the risks that associate with your proposal, and work to reduce the probability and severity of those risks.
4. Find an influential third party to champion your cause
5. Close the deal by making the other people feel like valued partners, with an equal stake in the operation. Offer thoughtful counter-measures for any concerns.
May 20, 2022
I didn't find any original ideas in the book. It aims to give insights on how to work collaboratively and it could be a good summary if it weren't wrapped with too many progressive values and biased research. Basically you are advised to cancel your beliefs and act like a robot working towards a goal. It might work though...
Better to stay true to your beliefs AND respect other people, your claims should be reasonable, relevant and respectful. If someone has a problem with your values, it is not your fault, do not change for anyone and do not fear anyone, cheers :)
Better to stay true to your beliefs AND respect other people, your claims should be reasonable, relevant and respectful. If someone has a problem with your values, it is not your fault, do not change for anyone and do not fear anyone, cheers :)
December 14, 2022
This book made me stop and think that perhaps my own perception of something is wrong (it's not!) and perhaps some people, who I think are just misguided idiots, may actually not be. People are irritating - full-stop – and always think they're right. But it's better all round if we can all just get on. Especially in these divisive times. I highly recommend this book.
May 8, 2022
It was a hard sell!!
November 25, 2023
Raamat ei ole niivõrd praktiline, kuivõrd avab teemat tänapäevaselt eri nurga alt. Nt et inimesed ei taha enam täna väga juhitud olla. Juht peaks alluvaid vaatama kui publikut ning määravaks saavad veenmisoskus ja mõjuvõim. Autor usub, et organisatsioonikultuur on kõigi maailma konfliktide alus - sõjad tekivad vaidlusküsimustes väärtuste pärast. Väärtuste sõnastamisega saab maailma muuta - suunata ja kujundada kultuuri. Nii suurelt ei olnud asjale mõelnudki.
Märksõnad: evolutsioon, võim, väärtused, töökultuur, macho-geen, koostöö, ego, not-like-me - bad, aktiivne kuulamine, FBI jms.
Märksõnad: evolutsioon, võim, väärtused, töökultuur, macho-geen, koostöö, ego, not-like-me - bad, aktiivne kuulamine, FBI jms.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews