Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex

by Kat Harris

Discover a renewed biblical vision for sex, singleness, and relationships, and transform into an empowered woman of faith equipped to navigate today's dating culture with vision, clarity, and freedom. 

Let's face being single in today's culture as a woman of faith can be a STRUGGLE FEST. But it doesn't have to be. With real talk and straight wisdom, speaker, podcaster, and founder of The Refined Woman Kat Harris says it's time for a new conversation about singleness, sex, and desire. 

Growing up at the height of the purity movement, Kat knew this good Christians don't have sex until marriage. But approaching 30 and thrust into the New York City dating scene, she found a set of rules was not a compelling enough reason to keep her clothes on. Caught between purity culture's rules and popular culture's do what feels good, Kat began a multi-year journey searching for answers to the biggest questions about sexuality and

What does the Bible really say about sex?Why does almost everyone deal with some sort of sexual shame?But really--what's a single girl to do with her sexual desire? What if we never get married . . . then what? It turns out Kat was asking questions that countless women were dying to ask but didn't know they had the permission to do so. Hungry for clarity, she researched, wrestled, and discovered a God who wasn't afraid or ashamed of sex and desire as she thought He might be. In actuality, God created sex and desire within humanity and called it very good. Now she believes God desires to restore a generation disillusioned with purity culture and Christian dating, discouraged about their singleness, ashamed of their sexual desire, and uncertain how to practically walk this season out well. 

Join Kat on her messy, sometimes painful, and always honest journey to discovering God's heart for sexuality, desire, singleness, and our purpose within it all.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Faith, Relationships, Self Help, Religion, Memoir

224 pages, Paperback

Published April 20, 2021

Reviews

[Raegan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who grew up in the purity movement and is actively in the deconstruction/reconstruction process I cannot express how healing and helpful and GOOD this book is. 10/10 everyone should read.

[Diana · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love Kat Harris—her podcast, her social media content, etc but this book read more like her podcasts, where she’s discussing topics and providing commentary, than research into what biblical sexuality is. Perhaps I started reading this with different expectations; Harris did a great job of sharing reflections, guidance and advice about dating and etc, but I was hoping for more biblical research to dive into these topics. I loved her dating stories throughout the book, and her points were so relatable! I appreciate her bold take on these taboo issues; I was just personally wanting to learn more about biblical perspective on these topics as well as her reflections.

[Michelle Ryken · Rating 4 out of 5]

My honest review would be a 3.5/5. Although I think this is a much needed discussion and to be talked about more in the Church. I believe the language and portrayal of the content was often contradicting. Further, there were a few statements and remarks made that I didn’t fully agree with. However, the author did a solid job at combining personal narrative with biblical truth. I would recommend this book but caution the reader to do further study and research themselves!

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5*

There was so much to really love and appreciate about this book. As a Christian who has grown up in the Church, discussions about sex were pretty much nonexistent throughout most of my childhood. Sex and desire were (and are) such hush-hush and taboo topics. Additionally, as someone who is a single girl now in her 30s, I never would have expected to not be married at this point in my life. Hearing about other women who are abstaining from sex in their 30s, is almost nonexistent. Either women my age are married, or women my age are making very different choices in their life (and either way, they’re engaging in sex).

Kat Harris used her very personal experiences to start the process of asking questions about sex and sexuality and there were so many parts about this that I really enjoyed. I could not relate to everything nor did I agree with everything that was stated within this book. That’s okay; I don’t know that we had to, but I did love having this book as a guide to have a frank discussion about things that I have never thoroughly talked with someone about.

But, that leads me to another reason why I really enjoyed going through this book so much. I did a buddy read with my sister and our conversations throughout this book have been very revealing, enlightening, and I think that it has brought us even closer together. After each chapter, the author asks three questions that help you have a direction for discussion so that you can share within the context of a buddy read or maybe even as a companion to a bible study. Or, if you’re simply reading this book on your own, these questions help you think about, examine, and question your views, beliefs, past, experiences, and expectations (and do a little self-introspection along the way).

This book was a breath of fresh air. It brought to the forefront something that is considered “scandalous” within the Church/Christian culture. And no matter how “scandalous” you think this topic is, these things need to be talked about! Why aren’t we told what’s in the Bible regarding sex (other than simply “wait until marriage)? Why don’t we have more studies amongst our small groups? Why are we so fearful of talking about something that we’re ALL thinking about in our 20s and 30s (or anywhere around this age)? It’s something that can’t be ignored in our “sex sells” society and if the younger generations of our Church can’t get good information from their Church leaders, they’re bound to get it from music, movies, tv shows, the internet, their non-Christian friends, etc (i.e. the world). I loved that the author was willing to talk about this! I love that she wasn’t some girl who got married at 19 or 20 preaching about abstinence. There’s an enormous difference and a whole lot of years in-between 19 and 34 (I think that was the author’s age when she wrote this book) and, as a girl in her 30’s myself, I couldn’t appreciate the push to have an open conversation about this more.

With that being said, there were a few flaws with this book or even with some of her premises.

First of all, while Kat did mention a few Bible verses, her book was predominantly focused on her own past and experiences. I don’t think we delved into God’s Word enough in this book. On one hand, it made the book seem real, modern, and relatable in certain ways but on the other, when it feels like she’s used more of her own life stories to justify her viewpoints or quotes from outside authors too much and very little of the Bible, that can be a problem. Now, Kat did encourage everyone who read this book to not take her word for it; that she went on her own journey with God to find these answers and that we should too. Still though, the Bible is our guide and our light for finding our way through all kinds of situations and messes and I think we needed to seek it out more than we did within this books context.

Additionally, there were several instances where the author tried to use “big” words and change their definition to make or justify her point. For anyone unfamiliar with the true meanings of these words, this may have been something more easily missed, but for me, when an author tries to manipulate words to fit their own meaning, we have a HUGE problem and a major red flag. This carried over into some of the scripture Kat did pull from. I noticed 1 verse in particular that was taken completely out of context to fit the point that she was trying to make, and I was screaming in my head because she was so incredibly WRONG. Again, this produced a major red flag and it worries me that this is being spouted as truth when the meaning of the verse is quite opposite to the point she was making.

This book is not overly long but I do think it could have been cut down a little bit further. While her engaging stories about her own life were nice, I think she relied too heavily on her own experiences. I won’t discount what she has gone though and think it could be really relatable for a lot of ladies out there, but there were aspects of her life experiences that were the exact opposite of me. Ex: Kat went to college and majored in a degree that had more males vs females. She then started a career in photography that is predominantly male. Vs me, who majored and now has a career in an area that is predominantly female. Our experiences with college and work are incredibly different and not everything was relatable to me personally, which is why her book needed to rely on more that just her unique and individual life experiences. We all have different stories, so to touch on this is one thing, but for it to be repeated over and over (especially about something I couldn’t relate to) wasn’t as enjoyable or as beneficial for me.

Overall, this was a book I enjoyed about a topic that gets too easily pushed to the side within the Church. I would caution you before jumping into this book with rose-colored glasses and I would recommend that you do your own research about the verses she used or the points she’s making – in other words, go to the source (the Bible). Sexless in the City was a great way to think about and examine my views and my struggles and again, I really appreciate everything she was trying to bring into focus with this book.

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very clever title and an interesting and new perspective on sexuality and what God has to say about it. Leaves you with good questions to ask. Poses thoughts in a non-forceful way and invites you into curiosity about your own story. Recommended to me by my therapist.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful and insightful. Definitely hits home on some of the "excuses" we give ourselves at times. Subject matter may not be everyone's cup of tea, but definitely helpful, hopeful, raw, and honest.

One thing I don't agree on is: "Not having sex is hard when dating." I'm sorry, but it isn't; it's a boundary you put up for yourself that only you should allow be put down. Only you, as a person, know your boundaries and when to relent on them. If you are thinking to allow it because of some person pressuring you, even yourself, then sit and have a hard look as to why and how really important it is to not have sex premarraige. Odds are that you already knew the answer and never fully found it "difficult". May seem as high and mighty as she comes off, but in an age where people are sitting themselves down to try to become their "authentic selves" and media is at an all time high with sex/gender and such, there is no such thing as finding your hard no's, soft no's, and yes's when it comes to dating, sex, and the bagages that come with these two separately and especially when together. Not saying she's wrong, she's right that it's hard, but if it's a definite "NO" then it's not hard to live by, even if it means a painful break up because your partner isn't capable of working with you on this; key phrase working with you, relationships are a two way street and the vehicle is respect and communication.

That being said, she used real world experience with the bible so it's well done.

Received this as part of Good Reads giveaway for an honest review; this did not influence my review.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'll be processing and pondering this book for a while. I wish i had this resource when i was younger. Such a refreshing read for me because of her honesty and asking questions i would have been "sh"d and reprimanded for. I do wish sometimes she would have shared more of the theology or framework she has discovered in her studies, but I also know she wants others to discover and search and process for themselves. She does not set out trying to tell you what to think but encourages you to put in some time, effort, thought, look at your story, and come to thoughtful, intentional decisions, knowing they may shift and change as you grow. She emphasizes keeping open and healthy relationships with Jesus and others in the process.

[Kierria Matthews · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a 29 year old single Christian woman who was bought up in purity culture, navigating this complicated single/dating world has been a roller coaster. Sexless in the City questions a lot of the narratives that women and men who were bought up in the purity culture, but also provides a space for soul searching, deconstructing, and rebuilding your own personal sexual ethics in a safe, shame-free way. I consider it to be a must read if you’re a woman of faith who is in the process of reframing her sexuality and sexual ethics. This book is coming in my life at the perfect time!!

[Amanda Lingle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Literally such a poignantly written book- no matter what stage of a relationship you are in, this author beautifully writes a point of view not often heard but is grounded in the Bible. She points out that Jesus is not out for us to check off legalistic boxes but rather shows a whole other wonderful facet of God’s love and how to love ourselves.

[Swayze Rainey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whew! Kat Harris, I want to be your friend! The author is unafraid to ask and discuss difficult/awkward questions. I have learned a lot and am working through what I believe. Great book!

[Katy Van Meter · Rating 1 out of 5]

Please don’t read this. DNF
This book sounded like sour grapes and quite unbiblical in fact. Sure, purity culture has its problems. But she throws the whole baby out with the bath water and right under the bus.
Disregarding historical tradition and highly respected scholars, she reinterprets pretty much every passage that deals on modesty and submission and restriction of authoritative, corporate leadership. Jesus died for humanity does not equal the vision she puts forward in this book. Very disconcerting.

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a good discussion on what biblical relationships can look like while not just following a list of rules like purity culture taught. Really loved the way the author’s writing felt like big sister advice & the way she wrote about your overall relationship with your body & faith and marriage was the very last thing she mentioned which was a breath of fresh air compared to the typical Christian advice!

[Laura Tiessen · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fantastic author! I recommend this book to any single woman, especially younger than I am. But no matter what age you are, you will enjoy the read.

[Jacqui Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, what a book! So inspiring and insightful and really made me think. I loved it!

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a great read. The author gives a well-grounded opinion on actual biblical womanhood. Even though this book is geared toward the single ladies, it is definitely a good read for married women too.

[Sarah Yount · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was super repetitive, I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over and it could have been easily 100 pages rather than almost 200… also as a Christian there were several references from “Christian” authors and pastors that I believe preach a false gospel and so I would be weary of recommending it and someone dive further into those authors works.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had listened a few of the authors podcast episodes and knew I wanted to read this book. I am no longer single but felt there may be things to glean, and also to recommend it to my younger friends.

This book is an easy and quick read, though it could have used a good editor. Kat is writing from personal experience and with the related anecdotes, one can classify this as memoir. However, there are 3 discussion questions at the end of every chapter, and a lot of bible stories woven in, seemingly to reach a church small group. Also on the question of who the intended audience is, it is frank enough that I would not recommend it to anyone younger than college.

At the beginning of the book, Kat signs off any responsibility to being a theologian, advice giver, and stresses her personal experience, but I can't help but notice some theological squishy parts, namely, relating the creation story to sexual climax, or quoting Rob Bell, or taking foundational ideas from modern psychology. I'm all for modern psychology but it feels weird when laying a faith foundation about biblical sexuality. She recommends you listen to her advice and take what you want from it. Perhaps what I'm feeling is that it is topical and not exegetical.

Kat is discussing things no one else is. She pretty much solo in addressing this area of Christian sexuality in a practical manner, especially speaking to singleness post college (the book says she is in her mid thirties). She is a real person; she is not writing anonymously, and she is writing from the front-lines (the book also states she is currently single). I would have preferred less small group format and more personal stories shifting this solidly into the memoir category, but for what it is, the book is still a worthwhile read.

One other weird thing I noticed is some comments, such as, I crave skin to skin contact, or "trust me it feels wonderful" was odd alongside her claim to be a virgin. I do not need the authors personal details, but it was odd because of her argument: do as I do, I'm a virgin, I'm walking thru this with you type of attitude. This side commentary does not add to the writing. Also, sexual desire is found as it is awakened, and there may be readers with the blessing of not yet awakening strong desire in their singleness.

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Okay so first off, I’d like to say that I am so happy I found this book. I’ve had so many questions, and I just didn’t know where to start. In that way, I felt like this was a good beginners book for me.

This book opens up questions that we ALL have (whether married or not) about dating, sex, and masturbation for Christian women. I appreciate that Kat pushes us to first look at our upbringings and church culture that has led us to our current situation. She then leads us through our life experiences, and draws to a conclusion about how to go forth with our futures.

Throughout the book, Kat had some great question prompts that created some great conversations with myself and the woman I read it with. HOWEVER, my biggest issue with this book was that I thought it would be WAY more Biblically structured. Instead, bits and pieces of scripture were thrown out when believed to be applicable. In a couple chapters, certain scriptures were definitely misinterpreted, and that quickly set me on alert to making sure Kat wasn’t misusing the verses… which she did at least once.

There were some awesome chapters, though! My favorite part of this book was Chapter 17, where we take dating narratives that have set us back, and flip them with Biblical backing. I put a lot of effort into that part, and the results were so powerful to me. I really appreciated the push to use evidence from the Bible (I am an English teacher, ya know? 😉).

Even though this seems like a low rating, I still felt like Kat had some powerful chapters with applicable verses. Overall though, I was disappointed that there wasn’t more Biblical founding vs. personal experiences and life lessons.

[Agnes N · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are a few things I enjoyed about this book but I can also say that I did not agree with the author's views on the topic especially considering that if one is a Christian and chooses to interpret things from that perspective, then the Bible should be the authority on these complex topics rather than one's own experiences.
That said, what I loved about the book is firstly that it highlights the reality regarding sex and for me helps me realise the need to deconstruct so that I can create a proper framework for my decisions. Many women who grow up in the purity culture - with the emphasis that sex is wrong or sinful until marriage struggle even with the best intention to put that to use when they get to their thirties or even 40s. Many when they reach that age are either having sex anyway while maintaining the facade of purity and some are even leaders or mentors to younger ones at that age. So they preach the same to young ones while doing it anyway. The other flip side of the coin is as she highlights, women who do everything but intercourse while holding on to virginity like a badge of honour. While there is a lot that I didn't agree with, I liked the chapter where she speaks about understanding one's own body despite staying pure if that is the path that one has chosen. I say this with much shame - that because of growing up in that culture, I was single for a long time and only understood myself down there in my late thirties.

[Rianna *Hermione* B · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book for free/ included with an online course from Stephanie May Wilson.
It's about desire and single life trying to do right/ do well as someone who loves Jesus and also wants to be married and get those very physical/emotional blessings. This book is raw and makes you question a lot. I LOVE how much truth there is with scripture paired with her experiences that include failure, pain from heartbreak, fear, shame, and curiosity. She reminds us that virginity is not tied to our salvation. I love the journey that was taken.

The One that Got away chapter and the chapter right before hit me so hard, I was in tears for a few minutes. Reminders of my pain and healing. I needed those reminders.

I recommend this to any single female in her late 20s and up who feels any sense of hopelessness and frustration of wanting these things that aren't yet in sight (at least in the right way). We shouldn't take anything from guys. Scraps are NOT better than nothing. You deserve the best and with leaving space for God to surprise you with who/ if you get married.

This was GOLD. Thank you, Kat! Your honesty and openness is SO much appreciated. I really learned things about myself and life.

[Jenna Whalen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've listened to Kat's podcast for a while, so I was excited for her book. Harris looks at topics from multiple different perspectives in a nonjudgmental way to come to her own conclusions of how she feels and what she wants to do. This comes out in her book. She is open about her journey to where she is today when it comes to sex, dating, and her relationship with God. She talks about the highs and lows, and things she would do differently looking back. She also makes sure to mention that the conclusion she came to is good for her, but people need to come to their own conclusions. This book is definitely a great tool for those working through their own feelings, even if they end up at a different destination than Harris.
I have done a lot of work similar to what Harris has done, so this book wasn't as helpful to me currently. I still really enjoyed it and think it's a great book, I just wish I'd had this a few years ago because it would have been more helpful then.
Overall, a great book written with vulnerability and openness that will help readers on their own journey with dating and love while not making them feel judged.

[Abbey Sim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kat Harris speaks from her own experience to provide a voice and a breath of fresh air for those navigating purity culture and what lies beyond. She is gracious, faithful and fierce in her pursuit of God and isn't afraid to ask the hard questions and challenge what is the conventional wisdom of both church and secular cultures alike. It is always helpful to have more voices in the public domain who don't easily fit into the boxes we wedge our faith and sexuality into. As she herself acknowledges, Kat Harris has walked the walk of celibacy and dating as a single Christian woman, thus bringing a unique perspective which balances celebrating the goodness of our sexuality, as well as its sacred nature within the Christian faith. I'm thankful for this book and the chance to join a movement of women reclaiming their sexuality and their abstinence. Worth a read even if you don't agree with the conclusions, because there's something for everyone in understanding a way forward better, given the toxic impact of purity culture within the church's understanding of sex.

[Brianna Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A slow start for me because I was worried it would be another preach at you ‘abstinence is it-stop complaining’ sort of narrative. However slowly but surely Kat very clearly made sure what she was writing was the exact opposite. We absolutely agree on such random little things and have many of the the same views about the world around us. As well as struggling with the ‘fear’ of love and an ache for boundaries. I love that she gave me resources and verses to go on my own ‘why’ hunt instead of an exact road map. On the flip side, I did leave the last page of the book with so many more questions that I wish I had a ‘Sexless in the City: the sequel’ waiting on my shelf. To her credit she writes in the last paragraph that this could be the case. I only wish I had just a few more black and white answers,but that’s the Type A in me . I feel like I have a new sister in Christ who struggles with being ‘too Christian’ in some circles and ‘not Christian enough’ in others. She asked important questions and has sparked a curiosity of my self and reignited my view of intentionally dating.

[Nathalie Alcime · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kat Harris was able to talk about the hidden lies and controversial topics churches don’t really discuss- masturbation, sexual purity, healing from the past, self worth, dating, etc. I appreciate how she challenged the reader to consider both sides and applied biblical truths that helped the reader to consider the tough questions and perspectives through the lenses of healthy curiosity! Kat is boldly speaks about her own personal experiences and the downfalls to her decisions. She doesn’t shy away from hidden struggles and fears that most people face but are afraid or ashamed to talk about. Her courage and vulnerability encourages others to look within themselves and seek for honesty and courage to reveal our own insecurities but invite Jesus into our dark spaces to shed light to the sin areas in our lives. She challenges us to pursue Christ in our failures and shortcomings and reminds us of the hope we can find in Jesus despite our flaws. Her truth-telling perspective will help you to pursue boundaries, sexuality, and Jesus in a new way! This is a must read!

[Madelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Started listening to the Refined Collective podcast recently and decided to read her book. For any girl (especially currently single women) who grew up in purity culture, this book is highly relatable and potentially a good starting place (but not the end!) for deconstructing some of those toxic narratives and begin thinking more about what you actually think/believe about these topics. She writes like she talks on her podcast, and this book is mostly about her journey/anecdotal. I really appreciate how she provides her own comments and shares where’s she’s landed while also really encouraging people to make their own decisions—- even if they are different than hers—- with no judgment. It is clearly not her heart to add shame for any decisions you have made or decide to make in the future regarding your body. There are things I think she could have discussed more or ways she could have been more inclusive to the variety of experiences women have, but I also acknowledge that she wrote this more about her personal journey than as some guidebook or theological commentary.

[Emma Wenckowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book may have just changed my life. (I know I've said that about other books this year, but I also mean it with this one.)

I am so thankful for Kat Harris's willingness to put it all out there, step into the gray narratives of the Bible, and provide a framework for healing and redemption. It's funny because the framework has always been there in the Bible, I just needed it spelled out for me. Harris dives deep into the narratives that have been spouted at young women of the Church for a while now and uncovers what God truly says about singleness, desire, and - surprise! - sex. I should add, this book is directed toward cis, straight women, so if that is not your narrative, you probably won't find this book as life-changing as I did and there may be a better story out there for you to read, feel seen, and learn from. But, if you are a cis, straight woman, especially one who is Christian, I think it would be worth it for you to read Kat Harris's story.

[Stephanie Khumalo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexless in the City is honest, raw, authentic, and deep. In an act of service and liberation, Kat Harris found a radically meaningful way to challenge convention, share truth, and create safe space for reflection, growth, and understanding. I feel more aware of, more hopeful about, and more connected to my own story when it comes to relationships and navigating the lexicon of dating that exists in our current day. Kat leads with the truth of God’s word and reminds us that this is what counts in our own trajectories. I hope that many people can experience the freedom that comes with knowing, accepting, and living in their truth, and that as a step and an investment in this process, they would do the work to be the best version of themselves without having all the answers spelled out. That is what this book encourages us to do. Well done, Kat—I’m truly grateful.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t overstate how needed this content is. I appreciate Kat’s candor and humor. This book covers everything from what does the Bible say about sex, to the damaging affects of purity culture, to how do we even define sex? While I don’t agree with all of her stances on what she believes to be acceptable, her methods of getting to truth are spot on. Look at the Bible, research the context and original word uses, pray diligently, seek counsel, and most of all listen to the Holy Spirit when discerning a course of action. There is so much that we just don’t talk about because it’s “taboo” or uncomfortable, which I think has turned into a cloud of shame surrounding such intimate issues. I’m thankful that books like this exist, and appreciate the way she encourages readers to figure out for themselves what they believe and not take her word for it.

[Tessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Harris' approach. She shares her personal experience and does not come from the place of condescension or legalism, but neither does she advocate for lack of wisdom or boundaries; it's human and allows/advocates for personal conviction, intuition, and critical thinking. We need more books about sex and dating from people who are actually single in the culture we're living in now. There's richness and insight to be found.

I also appreciate her research and the way she dives into biblical context studies for commonly abused passages. Her reflection questions at the end of the chapters are worth taking the time to answer, I plan on diving deeper into a few of those.

Also, I listen to her podcast fairly often and it feels like a continuation of these conversations! Would recommend.