We Refuse to Be Enemies: How Muslims and Jews Can Make Peace, One Friendship at a Time

by Sabeeha Rehman, Walter Ruby

For readers of The Faith Club , Sons of Abraham , and The Anatomy of Peace , a call for mutual understanding and lessons for getting there
We Refuse to Be Enemies is a manifesto by two American citizens, a Muslim woman and Jewish man, concerned with the rise of intolerance and bigotry in our country along with resurgent white nationalism. Neither author is an imam, rabbi, scholar, or community leader, but together they have spent decades doing interfaith work and nurturing cooperation among communities. They have learned that, through face-to-face encounters, people of all backgrounds can come to know the Other as a fellow human being and turn her or him into a trusted friend. In this book, they share their experience and guidance.

Growing up in Pakistan before she immigrated to the United States, Sabeeha never met a Jew, and her view was colored by the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. In his youth, Walter never met a Muslim, and his opinion was shaped by Leon Uris's Exodus . Yet together they have formed a friendship and collaboration. Tapping their own life stories and entering into dialogue within the book, they explain how they have found commonalities between their respective faiths and discuss shared principles and lessons, how their perceptions of the Other have evolved, and the pushback they faced. They wrestle with the two elephants in the the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and polarizing material in their holy texts and history. And they share their vision for reconciliation, offering concrete principles for building an alliance in support of religious freedom and human rights.  

"As members of the two largest minority faith communities in America, we must stand together at a portentous moment in American history. Neither of our communities will be able to prosper in an America characterized by xenophobia and bigotry.”—Sabeeha Rehman and Walter Ruby

Genres: Jewish, Nonfiction

312 pages, Hardcover

Published April 20, 2021

About the author

Sabeeha Rehman, an author, blogger and speaker on the American Muslim experience. Her new book is titled, 'It's Not What You Think. An American Woman in Saudi Arabia,' published in 2022.
She has co-authored with Walter Ruby of the book: We Refuse to be Enemies. How Muslims and Jews Can Make Peace, One Friendship at a Time. It was published in April 2021.
She is the author of the memoir 'Threading My Prayer Rug', an account of growing up in Pakistan, her rushed arranged marriage to a Pakistani doctor and their lives together raising a Muslim family in New York City.
Short-listed for the 2018 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing, Threading My Prayer Rug also won Booklist and San Francisco Book Festival honors. Readers Digest mentioned it as one of '35 Memoirs Everyone Should Read.'

Reviews

[Denise B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This thoughtful, intelligent, humorful book is an ever-timely reminder of how our irreducible humanity depends more on how our faiths are alike than different. Written in an intimate conversational style by two journalists and activists, Sabeeha Rehman and Walter Ruby, never sugar-coat the surprises and challenges each faced in learning about "the Other." It ends with a delightful chapter entitled "Putting Sarah and Hagar's Conflict to Rest," and enlightens with how a mere open curiosity and shared cup of tea with heretofore unknown neighbors allow how Muslims and Jews (and others of faith) can make peace, one friendship at a time. This is an intimate and important read.

[Khalid Rehman · Rating 5 out of 5]

My belief that we can change hearts and minds is by having a one to one and preferably face to face ordinary conversation with the "other", let us say over a cup of coffee. This belief was strengthened the other day when I heard Isabel Wilkerson's interview on her new book "Caste".

Sabeeha and Walter do the same thing in their new book "We refuse to be Enemies". By having the dialogue and coming together, not as a Jew or a Muslim, but as an American and as a human being, they show that barriers and perceptions can be overcome. This is a book for our times. If we follow their advice (the book ends with clear eyed and practical action plan), we can bring Americans closer to each other in these divided times.

Every American and particularly those who have reservations that the chasm is too large to overcome, must read this book and learn from the personal journeys of the two authors as how to succeed in this effort. I particularly admire their honest conversation in dealing with the "elephants in the room" such as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the passages from the two scriptures (Quran and the Torah) that are thought to be hurtful to each other.

I highly recommend the book for all and particularly those who are engaged in interfaith activities.

[Jan Goodwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful, brilliantly written book so key in these current times
From Islamophobia and antisemitism, the recent conflict between Israel and Gaza, the horrendous killing of the Pakistani family in Canada by a white extremist using his pickup as a deadly weapon. This book shows how the two sides can understand each other and put aside enmity. An essential read in our times.

[David Miley · Rating 5 out of 5]

First a disclaimer. Walter Ruby (co-auther with Sabeeha Rehman) was my closest grade school friend who I lost contact with for 50 plus years. So, there is a little bias here along with some initial trepidation as in what if I didn't like it? That turned out not to be a problem. By organization it begins with Walter and Sabeeha's (mostly separate) efforts to improve Jewish Muslim relations through grassroots dialog. It then reels back in time to their refugee mother's escaping with their lives in Europe and India to start new lives and continues with their own life journey's in terms of a dialog. In both cases that journey involves a beginning in a place of religious (Sabeeha) or ethnic (Walter) chauvinism moving toward an encounter and then an appreciation for the Other. This evolves into sympathy and understanding while still maintaining their own strong senses of identity and separate lives. It is pretty clear this is a story of personal growth from people who's disparate experiences are not that different.
It concludes with the hard parts in the Torah and Qu'ran, an acceptance of what's in them and the belief that what happened in ancient history doesn't matter but what's happening now is of the greatest importance.
The book seems primarily aimed at Jews and Muslims willing to keep an open mind and get beyond long held beliefs and prejudices. There are slower points for a general audience who do not fit inside this box. This may be a book for you or anyone who wants a different and more nuanced take on both Israel and Pakistan.

[Salman Zafar · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book is real reminder of truth issues and politics and story of friendship between two people of different faiths . what a challenge writers took upon them. I agree with the premise of the book that one to one conversation over a cup of coffee as Dr Khalid have mentioned in his comments brings relationships close and brings a change in perception of other religion, I think authors have tried to make that discussion starting as a goal line . The other day I heard a interview of Rabbi Rachael Grossman and it hit me like bullet that point writers of We refuse to be enemies are trying to bring up is the real burning issue of the day and unless we try to learn about other faith and cultural and religious needs we will never be able to reach the goal of "one friendship at a time " As one faith looks at its faith needs will understand the needs of other faiths too . I do acknowledge and applaud the authors the effort they have put in for producing this book , the style and format , writing skills of authors had made this book easy read fun Book

[Howard Sumka · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no good reason for Jews and Muslims to be enemies, at least not because of their religious differences. Walter Ruby and Sabeeha Rehman make that clear as they engagingly tell their own stories and family histories through their back-and-forth narration. Throughout they weave political and religious analyses that illuminate the tensions between the two groups. Both have had long, largely separate experiences in American Jewish-Muslim dialogue. Sabeeha, an observant Pakistani immigrant to the U.S., experienced the power of interfaith encounters from life in her mostly Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in her first years in America. Once she became active in the Sisterhood of Salaam Shalom, she built a platform for advocating tolerance and acceptance. Walter is a secular Jew, pained by his family’s suffering during the Holocaust and inspired as a youth by Leon Uris’s somewhat mythical foundation story of the State of Israel. In 2006 he attended the World Congress of Imams and Rabbis, which ultimately led to his abandoning his long journalism career for one at the Foundation for Ethnic Understanding.

Together, the two make a powerful pitch for interfaith understanding and acceptance – indeed for mutual support and cooperation in the face of their status as others in a polarized America. They save the hard issues for the latter part of the book, where they somewhat gingerly, but honestly and pointedly explore The Elephants in the Room – the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the apparent ethnic hatred rooted and espoused in their respective holy books. They resolve little, but by putting these challenging issues front and center they help the reader see how easily the blossoming personal relationships between well-meaning American Muslims and Jews could run off the rails. Ironically, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is charged by two nationalist movements trapped in the same small bit of geography and arguing over competing views of a millennium or two of history. Neither religious nor cultural differences lie at the heart of the conflict; rather it’s the spoilers on both sides who couch it in religious zealotry when that suits them. Ruby and Rehman help us understand that better and give us a model for avoiding that trap.

[Doug Pike · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the wake of the 2016 election and the rising tide of Islamophobia becoming daily material in the national political discourse, I became the “leader” of the Muslim-Jewish Relations Small Group of the Rothschild Social Justice Institute at The Temple in Atlanta. Ever since, I’ve been working closely with Soumaya Khalifa of the Islamic Speakers Bureau. She and I arranged for Sabeeha Rehman and Walter Ruby to address a Zoom conference about this book. Only during one of our plenary calls did I learn from Soumaya that Walter had played an integral role in the initial dialogue between The Temple and the ISB. Having now read this book, I can see why.

In fact, I’m sorry that I hadn’t come across We Refuse To Be Enemies” earlier. While not professing to be a “how-to” manual, Sabeeha and Walter courageously and unapologetically share their respective life journeys to illustrate that basic rule that we build relationships one person at a time. By doing so, we then can overcome the fog of stereotype, myth, and fear. Their approach is in the form of a conversation, and they prove that over time they were able to build the trust so as to address the elephant in the room, which often acts as an impediment to meaningful conversations and potential friendships – the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

This book is not about solving the world’s problems, but it guides us in how we can overcome assumptions and rethink the way we view and appreciate “the other” who, in the end, isn’t all that different from “us.” It is an inspiring book – well-worth the read.

[Betty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having read Sabeeha Rehman’s memoir “Threading My Prayer Rug”, I was eager to read her new book co-authored with Walter Ruby. Being Jewish and having worked for years in Muslim nations, interfaith relations, especially between Muslims and Jews, is of great interest to me. I found this book to be very informative and hopeful.

Parts 1 and 2 provided the background stories of Sabeeha’s relationship with Pakistan and Walter’s with Israel, along with historical and political facts and cultural values.

I enjoyed their back-and-forth narration style, especially in Parts 3 and 4. These are the parts that get to the heart of it - the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and portions of the Tanakh and Quran that may be considered offensive. Sabeeha and Walter write openly of topics they agree and disagree on. They discuss what they have found in common in their faiths. I appreciated the honest and respectful sharing of their beliefs, even when they did not agree.

An open mind is needed as it will challenge many beliefs you may have grown up with. It gave me a lot to think about. In fact, I have read the book twice now. Essential reading for anyone interested in interfaith activities.

[Laila · Rating 5 out of 5]

The authors of We Refuse to be Enemies point out that it takes courage to overcome fear and loathing of “the other” and move towards healing the Muslim and Jewish communities’ outlook on one another. Their book is a heartfelt conversation about the Israeli-Palestinian issue and how it affects the Muslim-Jewish dialogue in America. Sabeeha Rehman and Walter Ruby find true friendship while offering deep insights into their feelings based on historical, religious and political reflections. At the same time, they offer a path for the reader to participate in the healing required to move the Muslim-Jewish communities closer together. This book is a must read for those interested in learning and healing.

Laila Al-Askari

[Daniel Spiro · Rating 5 out of 5]

We Refuse to be Enemies is truly a page turner. It starts with a compelling premise – that Jewish-Islamic engagement is vital in contemporary society. To illustrate this principle, it presents the fascinating stories of two individuals, one Muslim, one Jewish, whose lives have forever been changed by a commitment to Jewish-Islamic dialogue. Most critically, it demonstrates that interfaith dialogue is only transformative when entered with courage, integrity, and the willingness to question one’s own formative beliefs. By modeling these lessons, Rehman and Ruby have created a book that I suspect will only grow in importance over time.

[Saleem Khanani · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came to know about this book a few months ago through an interfaith book club. Today we had the honor of hosting a book club session with the two coauthors reading from their book and engaging the audience in a meaningful dialogue that did not seem like ending. A remarkable effort towards interfaith dialogue between the Muslims and the Jews that will bridge the gap between ‘Us’ and ‘They’. A brilliantly written book that does not shy away from dealing with tough political issues while evoking poignant and nostalgic memories of what it feels like when expatriates and immigrants look back at the land of their birth.

[Laurel Fried · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was not only enlightening but extremely inspiriational. The relationship between these two authors, different in their background yet full of commonalities and drive really pull you in to their stories. Their descriptions of their upbringing, beliefs and the "elephant in the room" are so thought provoking that you want to keep reading and reading until you are done.
Sabeeha's first book, "Threading My Prayer Rug'' is also engaging and worth reading multiple times.
I cannot wait for either of these authors to write yet another book!!!

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a frank, sincere and honest recounting of two histories of individuals in their own religions, their experiences in learning about one another's faith traditions, and a courageous dialogue on approaching how to celebrate the similarities and resolve the differences that divide two passionate monotheistic Abrahamic religions.

I had the privilege of attending a virtual discussion with the two authors, an event sponsored by the Sisterhood of Salaam Shalom. We need more of this work!

Highest recommendations.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved it.

The authors thoughtfully present and discuss easy and challenging differences between Islam and Judaism. They offer explanations, historical insights and Biblical and Quranic documentation for this answers.

They like and respect each other and tread carefully but honestly as they question and address thoughts that we have all had.

I recommend this book highly. It’s a lovely example of how all of us should work to listen and speak with respect so we can better understand each other.

[Saima Sitwat · Rating 5 out of 5]

"We Refuse to Be Enemies" is a heartwarming narrative of building friendships across religions and cultures while creating a singular story as Americans. As Sabeeha and Walter engage in discourse, they do not shy away from addressing "The Elephant in the Room", that is, the Israel-Palestine conflict in the Middle East, which spills over both the Muslim and Jewish diaspora all across the globe. A combination of personal experiences and rigorous research make "We Refuse to Be Enemies" a must read for interfaith book clubs, academia and anyone who wants to make this world a better place to live!

[Dan Ruby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read an early draft of the book and am thrilled to see it as a finished work. It is much more than a manifesto. It is the story of an unlikely friendship that blossomed despite religious and cultural challenges. The surprise is that, though the conflict the authors confront is rooted in the Middle East, the commonality between them is their shared experience as Americans.

[Dale Rosenberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Engaging, enlightening, and very accessible. Mixing concepts and lived experience, the authors explain how to build bridges of friendship between American Muslims and Jews. They also speak, cogently and convincingly, about why it is so important for these two religious minorities to bind together in this country for everyone's safety and wellbeing. A quick, easy, yet very important read.

[Saqib · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Makes you feel like you are in the middle of a thoughtful dialogue between an American Muslim and an American Jew who are discussing how they are similar and how they are different. And you develop an understanding of how these two groups can come together and why they need to come together. Highly recommended.

[Farhana Liaqat · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book of interesting stories and experiences of life shared by two friends of different religions and beliefs. The best thing about these stories, I think, is that we learn a lot about the social and cultural values of both beliefs along with historical facts. It's worth reading! Highly recommend it, especially in today's time!

[Jules Spotts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent volume in discussing interfaith dialogue between Muslims and Jews. The authors did not shy away from difficult areas, the material was professionally presented and they concluded the book with an optimistic view of what is possible with person to person relationship development. I would highly recommend this fine treatise.

[Connie Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Along with other members of an interfaith book group that includes Jewish, Muslim and Christian women, I read Sabeeha and Walter’s book and found it to be a thoughtful dialogue between the two writers. They model an approach to communicating across deeply ingrained differences that we can all learn from and their unique voices make for an accessible and enriching read!

[Gary Sampliner · Rating 5 out of 5]

An interesting and engaging account of how a Pakistani Muslim and American Jew who grew up with no knowledge of the "other" came to know and appreciate and ultimately dedicate themselves to developing and enhancing Muslim-Jewish cooperation and understanding.

[Pamela Faith]

This is a wonderfully written book about both Sabeeha Rehman and Walter Ruby's lives as a Pakistani Muslim woman and a Jewish man learning about each other, and learning how to support each other in both peaceful times, and times of challenge. Highly recommend!

[Biancheri · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fascinating read written by two skilled writers. Their styles complemented each other, and made for enjoyable reading. I learned a lot and have a new perspective on the relationship between Jews and Muslims. We need to listen to each other, easier said than done!

[Pat Gallant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sabheeha Rehman and Walter Ruby's book is not only a captivating read and skillfully written book, it is a NECESSARY book! In these times of turmoil and division, Ms. Rehman and Mr. Ruby lead us through riveting chapters to the undeniable fact -- we are all one.

Pat Gallant Weich

[Carol Marin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book explores how, even in the very polarized times through which we seem to be living, people of good will can come to know the humanity of "the other" and forge meaningful friendships. It is a very welcome and hopeful message.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has worked for religious nonprofits, I think this book is a huge resource for interfaith dialogue. I'm a big fan of Sabeeha Rehman's work and I think this collaboration provides a lot of prompts to start conversations and organize communities.

[Nancy Moss · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book demonstrates that it is truly possible for individuals of markedly different backgrounds to join together in "repairing the world." Sabeeha's Rehman's writing and thoughtful contributions are magnificent.

[Dawn Raffel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a brilliant and necessary book. It offers a real vision for hope and healing, without avoiding the hard questions.

[Sandy Hay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book makes me think a lot about how I’ve been programmed to see Israel and Palestine, Jew and Muslim. All are loved people of God. Have we forgotten that?