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We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends
In this comic adventure through the loneliness epidemic, a middle-aged everyman looks around one day and realizes that he seems to have misplaced his friends, inspiring him to set out on a hilarious and ultimately moving quest to revive old tribes and build new ones, in his own ridiculous way.
At the age of forty, having settled into his busy career and active family life, Billy Baker discovers that he’s lost something crucial along the way: his friends. Other priorities always seemed to come first, until all his close friendships had lapsed into distant memories. When he takes an assignment to write an article about the modern loneliness epidemic, he realizes just how common it is to be a middle-aged loner: almost fifty million Americans over the age of forty-five, especially men, suffer from chronic loneliness, which the surgeon general has declared one of the nation’s “greatest pathologies,” worse than smoking, obesity, or heart disease in increasing a person’s risk for premature death. Determined to defy these odds, Baker vows to salvage his lost friendships and blaze a path for men (and women) everywhere to improve their relationships old and new.
In We Need to Hang Out, Baker embarks on an entertaining and relatable quest to reprioritize his ties with his buddies and forge more connections, all while balancing work, marriage, and kids. From leading a buried treasure hunt with his old college crew to organizing an impromptu “ditch day” for dozens of his former high school classmates to essentially starting a frat house for middle-aged guys in his neighborhood, he experiments with ways to keep in touch with his friends no matter how hectic their lives are—with surprising and deeply satisfying results.
Along the way, Baker talks to experts in sociology and psychology to investigate how such naturally social creatures as humans could become so profoundly isolated today. And he turns to real-life experts in lasting friendship, bravely joining a cruise packed entirely with crowds of female BFFs and learning the secrets of male bonding from a group of older dudes who faithfully meet up on the same night every week. Bursting with humor, candor, and charm, We Need to Hang Out is a celebration of companionship and a call to action in this age of alone.
At the age of forty, having settled into his busy career and active family life, Billy Baker discovers that he’s lost something crucial along the way: his friends. Other priorities always seemed to come first, until all his close friendships had lapsed into distant memories. When he takes an assignment to write an article about the modern loneliness epidemic, he realizes just how common it is to be a middle-aged loner: almost fifty million Americans over the age of forty-five, especially men, suffer from chronic loneliness, which the surgeon general has declared one of the nation’s “greatest pathologies,” worse than smoking, obesity, or heart disease in increasing a person’s risk for premature death. Determined to defy these odds, Baker vows to salvage his lost friendships and blaze a path for men (and women) everywhere to improve their relationships old and new.
In We Need to Hang Out, Baker embarks on an entertaining and relatable quest to reprioritize his ties with his buddies and forge more connections, all while balancing work, marriage, and kids. From leading a buried treasure hunt with his old college crew to organizing an impromptu “ditch day” for dozens of his former high school classmates to essentially starting a frat house for middle-aged guys in his neighborhood, he experiments with ways to keep in touch with his friends no matter how hectic their lives are—with surprising and deeply satisfying results.
Along the way, Baker talks to experts in sociology and psychology to investigate how such naturally social creatures as humans could become so profoundly isolated today. And he turns to real-life experts in lasting friendship, bravely joining a cruise packed entirely with crowds of female BFFs and learning the secrets of male bonding from a group of older dudes who faithfully meet up on the same night every week. Bursting with humor, candor, and charm, We Need to Hang Out is a celebration of companionship and a call to action in this age of alone.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2021
108 people are currently reading
2041 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 172 reviews
February 18, 2021
I really wanted to love this book, because I’m a middle-aged guy feeling disconnected from his friends. Felt like this one was gonna be perfect for me.
But this book about male friendship is really about a certain kind of straight male friendship that considers “ball bustin’” the height of affection.
I don’t begrudge these guys their world and their friendships. But a lot of it felt like a performance of masculinity. Or at least a version of masculinity that excludes almost every guy I know in my mostly queer / mostly nerd world.
If the book would have been more aware about its specificity, instead of positioning this narrow kind of masculinity as a male default experience (how GUYS are!), it might have worked better for me. But unless you’re a straight guy with a kind of dude bro energy, I don’t think you’ll see much of yourself in this book.
But this book about male friendship is really about a certain kind of straight male friendship that considers “ball bustin’” the height of affection.
I don’t begrudge these guys their world and their friendships. But a lot of it felt like a performance of masculinity. Or at least a version of masculinity that excludes almost every guy I know in my mostly queer / mostly nerd world.
If the book would have been more aware about its specificity, instead of positioning this narrow kind of masculinity as a male default experience (how GUYS are!), it might have worked better for me. But unless you’re a straight guy with a kind of dude bro energy, I don’t think you’ll see much of yourself in this book.
March 4, 2021
Most disappointed. Although the breezy writing style is very readable, I found very little substance here.
The author finds himself at 40 feeling disconnected and out of touch with his friends, and embarks on a quest to reconnect.
My difficulty is twofold: first, though he feels disconnected, he's apparently easily able to compile a list of 150 friends and acquaintances. This is radically different than what I'd be able to do, and what I expect most people suffering from loneliness experience.
Second, it turns out that what he really, really wants is a frat house, to recreate and relive his high school and college social life. No thanks.
Although he provides some interesting insights about loneliness and male socialization (courtesy of the experts he later disparages), ultimately this book left me empty.
The author finds himself at 40 feeling disconnected and out of touch with his friends, and embarks on a quest to reconnect.
My difficulty is twofold: first, though he feels disconnected, he's apparently easily able to compile a list of 150 friends and acquaintances. This is radically different than what I'd be able to do, and what I expect most people suffering from loneliness experience.
Second, it turns out that what he really, really wants is a frat house, to recreate and relive his high school and college social life. No thanks.
Although he provides some interesting insights about loneliness and male socialization (courtesy of the experts he later disparages), ultimately this book left me empty.
January 18, 2021
3.5 stars
Billy Baker found himself completely absorbed in his career and young family at the age of forty. After an assignment from his editor “to write about how middle-aged men have no friends”, Baker had time to reflect on the shift in priorities and the gradual loss of his closest friendships. The incredible response to the assignment from readers led Baker to attempt to improve his friendships and make some new ones while also balancing all that comes along with work, marriage, and career.
This memoir is so relatable. It became apparent to me that friendship was no longer what it once was after I had my daughter. I spent my twenties completely wrapped up in my career and enjoying marriage. The lunches/dinners with friends to catch up waned and soon we were all just hitting “like” on social media posts when exhausted at the end of a long day. Once my daughter was born and I had a few weeks at home alone with her, I was surprised by the loneliness (and sleep deprivation) I felt. We’d traded the connection of catching up face to face with the time-saving thumbs up of a social media post. How did we let that happen?
Baker’s conversational writing style makes this a fast read. The stats he throws in are not only interesting but surprising as well and never feel like info dumping.
Do I think he would’ve put in such an effort to rekindle friendships if it weren’t part of a work assignment? *shrugs*
Am I glad that he did so that I could read this book? Absolutely.
Two of my favorite quotes from this book:
“Overthinking shit is my favorite recreational drug.” *
“First, as a matter of fact, we are less busy now than ever, and automation has no doubt helped with that. Those hours you waste dumb-thumbing through Instagram or trying to choose something to watch on Netflix do not count as busy. And second, one must not confuse a ‘busy life’ with a ‘full life’. That bait and switch has gone on too long. So I’ll repeat again: We’ve been misinformed by the misinformed.” *
Thanks to Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster for an ARC in exchange for my honest review. We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends is scheduled for release on January 26, 2021.
* Quotes included are from a digital advanced reader’s copy and are subject to change upon final publication.
For more reviews, visit www.rootsandreads.wordpress.com
Billy Baker found himself completely absorbed in his career and young family at the age of forty. After an assignment from his editor “to write about how middle-aged men have no friends”, Baker had time to reflect on the shift in priorities and the gradual loss of his closest friendships. The incredible response to the assignment from readers led Baker to attempt to improve his friendships and make some new ones while also balancing all that comes along with work, marriage, and career.
This memoir is so relatable. It became apparent to me that friendship was no longer what it once was after I had my daughter. I spent my twenties completely wrapped up in my career and enjoying marriage. The lunches/dinners with friends to catch up waned and soon we were all just hitting “like” on social media posts when exhausted at the end of a long day. Once my daughter was born and I had a few weeks at home alone with her, I was surprised by the loneliness (and sleep deprivation) I felt. We’d traded the connection of catching up face to face with the time-saving thumbs up of a social media post. How did we let that happen?
Baker’s conversational writing style makes this a fast read. The stats he throws in are not only interesting but surprising as well and never feel like info dumping.
Do I think he would’ve put in such an effort to rekindle friendships if it weren’t part of a work assignment? *shrugs*
Am I glad that he did so that I could read this book? Absolutely.
Two of my favorite quotes from this book:
“Overthinking shit is my favorite recreational drug.” *
“First, as a matter of fact, we are less busy now than ever, and automation has no doubt helped with that. Those hours you waste dumb-thumbing through Instagram or trying to choose something to watch on Netflix do not count as busy. And second, one must not confuse a ‘busy life’ with a ‘full life’. That bait and switch has gone on too long. So I’ll repeat again: We’ve been misinformed by the misinformed.” *
Thanks to Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster for an ARC in exchange for my honest review. We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends is scheduled for release on January 26, 2021.
* Quotes included are from a digital advanced reader’s copy and are subject to change upon final publication.
For more reviews, visit www.rootsandreads.wordpress.com
October 11, 2021
This is a hilarious and relatable book about what happens between men and their friends as they age, and more importantly, how men can reconnect. Part memoir and part self-help, the book is backed up by the social science that shows the adverse effects loneliness can have on men, including mental, physical health, and longevity. The book is based on the author’s article for the Boston Globe that became the most-read piece in the newspaper’s history!
I enjoyed this book because it tackled a tough subject—how important it is for men to see friends more regularly—and made the topic more accessible because of the humor. Despite the focus on male friendships (because it turns out that dads are just as busy as moms!), I found this book relevant to my own life. Somehow, I don’t see my friends as often as I would like. This book showed me not only how that happened but what I can do about it!
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/bil...
I enjoyed this book because it tackled a tough subject—how important it is for men to see friends more regularly—and made the topic more accessible because of the humor. Despite the focus on male friendships (because it turns out that dads are just as busy as moms!), I found this book relevant to my own life. Somehow, I don’t see my friends as often as I would like. This book showed me not only how that happened but what I can do about it!
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/bil...
January 31, 2021
I'm not sure what I wanted out of this book after hearing Baker on NPR, but I didn't get it. The book is advertised as a memoir, but shelved in the "relationships/self help" section of the bookstore. The book feels like an article stretched out to fill a book. The author acknowledges that he's far from an expert on the subject. The problem is loneliness and the author flails around at trying to be less lonely for around 200 pages. If you are looking for self-help, look elsewhere. If you are looking for an interesting memoir, this fails to deliver there as well, Baker has not lived an interesting enough life to warrant a memoir.
It's funny at times. The author seems genuine in his desire to understand and fix the problem in his life. The book doesn't really offer much sound advice though. Just by reading the title you've got the gist of it. Hang out with people. It's important to your health.
The COVID-19 pandemic did this book no favors. It felt like a slap in the face to read about how important it is to hang out with friends, at a time when it isn't safe for me to hang out with my friends. The author doesn't help much as he only barely mentions the pandemic. Instead of addressing how the pandemic has made this problem even worse, he talks about how he was able to do some modified things after the lock down restrictions were lifted.
Overall the book was a solid meh.
It's funny at times. The author seems genuine in his desire to understand and fix the problem in his life. The book doesn't really offer much sound advice though. Just by reading the title you've got the gist of it. Hang out with people. It's important to your health.
The COVID-19 pandemic did this book no favors. It felt like a slap in the face to read about how important it is to hang out with friends, at a time when it isn't safe for me to hang out with my friends. The author doesn't help much as he only barely mentions the pandemic. Instead of addressing how the pandemic has made this problem even worse, he talks about how he was able to do some modified things after the lock down restrictions were lifted.
Overall the book was a solid meh.
April 14, 2021
I REALLY WANTED TO ENJOY THIS BOOK AND REALLY FEEL LIKE ITS MESSAGE IS IMPORTANT
HOWEVER, THE DELIVERY OF THE CONTENT WAS FAIRLY PROBLEMATIC DUE TO A NUMBER OF FACTORS:
WHILE ENDEARING AT THE BEGINNING, THE CONSTANT HIGHLIGHTING OF VULNERABILITIES BECAME TIRESOME. WE GET IT, YOU'RE TRYING :) IT'S OK TO FAIL AT HANGING OUT AS AN ADULT, IT'S HARD.
MORE PROBLEMATIC WAS HOW THE AUTHOR REITERATED HOW NON-MANLY OR GAY IT WAS FOR MEN TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS FOR A FRIEND.
THE REITERATION OF THIS SEXIST MINDSET WITHOUT EXPLAINING WHY THAT LANGUAGE IS HARMFUL REMOVES THE ABILITY TO CONNECT. WE'VE CREATED A SITUATION WHERE GENUINE EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS CANNOT FLOURISH UNDER THE FILTER OF THIS MINDSET.
HOWEVER, THE DELIVERY OF THE CONTENT WAS FAIRLY PROBLEMATIC DUE TO A NUMBER OF FACTORS:
WHILE ENDEARING AT THE BEGINNING, THE CONSTANT HIGHLIGHTING OF VULNERABILITIES BECAME TIRESOME. WE GET IT, YOU'RE TRYING :) IT'S OK TO FAIL AT HANGING OUT AS AN ADULT, IT'S HARD.
MORE PROBLEMATIC WAS HOW THE AUTHOR REITERATED HOW NON-MANLY OR GAY IT WAS FOR MEN TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS FOR A FRIEND.
THE REITERATION OF THIS SEXIST MINDSET WITHOUT EXPLAINING WHY THAT LANGUAGE IS HARMFUL REMOVES THE ABILITY TO CONNECT. WE'VE CREATED A SITUATION WHERE GENUINE EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS CANNOT FLOURISH UNDER THE FILTER OF THIS MINDSET.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 5, 2025
2.5 stars
Cishet white men, do we have a book for you 😍
Let me share a passage from page 27 of the text <3:
"Planes, elevators, and urinals are off-limits for chatting with other men. Just pretend they're invisible. (See: guys, unwritten rules.)"
A passage next to which I annotated "we gonna unpack that?"
Something I would write in the margins several more times throughout this book.
Page 133:
"I went so far as to float the idea of starting a choir to somebody. . . . I'd insist that if we hid our bad voices together, we might actually have something approaching mediocre. But my imploring did little to move the needle. Singing was gaaay. Der."
Ah, yes. The use of the word "gaaay". Yes, with three A's.
Surely, with his frequent usage of this word, he explained and unpacked its ties to mysogyny and homophobia. Of course not! This is a book for cishet men, we're not gonna use words like "patriarchy" to scare them off (though they are the people who need it explained to them the most)!
Also, he used the word "der" at least three times. The cringe was severe.
Another quote from page 25:
"Men, though, are men. And their response to stress is itself a competition between the most meatheady of body chemicals: testosterone, which wants to fight, and cortisol, which wants to escape."
Yes, the paragraph before that one was how women's brain chemistry gives them the urge to huddle together and take care of children. The vibes are vibingggg!
This book is only surface level. The author talks about doing research and "the science", but literally in the last quarter of the book (p.138) he says:
"I wanted to address the fundamentals. And I had some core questions that remained largely unanswered. Where did we go wrong? Are women really better at friendship than men?"
:|
Y'all, I can't. The cluelessness.
This book is for uneducated fratty cishet white men who don't know what patriarchy is. Who follow the status quo blindly and do very little to question it.
If you are a woman, queer, femme, or even just are aware of the performance of gender roles, there's nothing to gain from this. Heavy on the memoir and not very self-help.
Cishet white men, do we have a book for you 😍
Let me share a passage from page 27 of the text <3:
"Planes, elevators, and urinals are off-limits for chatting with other men. Just pretend they're invisible. (See: guys, unwritten rules.)"
A passage next to which I annotated "we gonna unpack that?"
Something I would write in the margins several more times throughout this book.
Page 133:
"I went so far as to float the idea of starting a choir to somebody. . . . I'd insist that if we hid our bad voices together, we might actually have something approaching mediocre. But my imploring did little to move the needle. Singing was gaaay. Der."
Ah, yes. The use of the word "gaaay". Yes, with three A's.
Surely, with his frequent usage of this word, he explained and unpacked its ties to mysogyny and homophobia. Of course not! This is a book for cishet men, we're not gonna use words like "patriarchy" to scare them off (though they are the people who need it explained to them the most)!
Also, he used the word "der" at least three times. The cringe was severe.
Another quote from page 25:
"Men, though, are men. And their response to stress is itself a competition between the most meatheady of body chemicals: testosterone, which wants to fight, and cortisol, which wants to escape."
Yes, the paragraph before that one was how women's brain chemistry gives them the urge to huddle together and take care of children. The vibes are vibingggg!
This book is only surface level. The author talks about doing research and "the science", but literally in the last quarter of the book (p.138) he says:
"I wanted to address the fundamentals. And I had some core questions that remained largely unanswered. Where did we go wrong? Are women really better at friendship than men?"
:|
Y'all, I can't. The cluelessness.
This book is for uneducated fratty cishet white men who don't know what patriarchy is. Who follow the status quo blindly and do very little to question it.
If you are a woman, queer, femme, or even just are aware of the performance of gender roles, there's nothing to gain from this. Heavy on the memoir and not very self-help.
November 17, 2020
‘We Need to Hang Out’ by Billy Baker is a well-researched memoir largely about male friendship in adulthood. This book grew from a popular Boston Globe article Baker wrote in 2017 about loneliness and his personal experience with it. As Baker echoes, loneliness is an epidemic affecting millions of Americans. After having children, like many of us, he found himself absent of those friendships that were so important to him when he was younger. It reminded me of another book on friendship I read this year, ‘Big Friendship’ by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, but this is the flip side of the coin as it’s about male friendship and specifically about gradually disappearing friendships in adulthood. Some of the research presented was the same, but I gleaned a lot from this book. Baker presents a very affable, relatable tone and I really enjoyed his adventurous nature and eagerness to improve his friendships. Throughout the book, he explains research on friendship and actively pursues his own friendships in unique and sometimes daring ways. Although the takeaways aren’t exactly surprising—make friendship a priority, be vulnerable/honest with friends, and share activities—it cemented how important these things are and that many of us could strongly benefit from being more intentional about how we spend our time.
Thank you Avid Reader Press/Simon & Schuster and NetGalley for providing this ARC.
Thank you Avid Reader Press/Simon & Schuster and NetGalley for providing this ARC.
January 7, 2024
A book of projects a middle age white American did to find daily friends. A vulnerable accounting of what worked and what did not. Lots of mini lessons or ideas anyone can use, it made me see some activities different, gave some practical tips such as do at a regular cadence, etc, targeted more towards men who do not connect with each other as casually as women.
Yes, there is drinking to smoothen things, leg pulling(aka ball busting), etc, one can gloss over those.
Quote: Men need somewhere to go, something to do and then someone to talk.
After-all, genetically as hunters, men were quiet for hours, while women reached out to others to get help making a home, food, raising a child in close quarters.
5 stars for impact, would be 4 stars for writing and coverage quality.
Yes, there is drinking to smoothen things, leg pulling(aka ball busting), etc, one can gloss over those.
Quote: Men need somewhere to go, something to do and then someone to talk.
After-all, genetically as hunters, men were quiet for hours, while women reached out to others to get help making a home, food, raising a child in close quarters.
5 stars for impact, would be 4 stars for writing and coverage quality.
August 25, 2021
The main idea of this book hits a nerve in all of us, but I was disappointed in the execution of this sensitive and real subject. Although he brings up some good thoughts , I really could not relate to his experiences since quite a lot of people/parents have less social interaction and opportunities. A lot of people are more isolated and I was hoping to find some real life workable solutions to at least bring this issue into a blinding spotlight. I thought I was going to get more out of this book. Nice attempt.
October 2, 2021
This book gave me depression.
I'm feeling old and lonely lately. It sucks. This guy trying and trying really tugged on my heartstrings. I really wish he could have ended up with an actual fix.
Also, if you can travel to Austria to meet a friend, your life is super cool. Some people don't struggle to get a visa and it shows.
I'm feeling old and lonely lately. It sucks. This guy trying and trying really tugged on my heartstrings. I really wish he could have ended up with an actual fix.
Also, if you can travel to Austria to meet a friend, your life is super cool. Some people don't struggle to get a visa and it shows.
March 10, 2022
I found it very boring and chatty, I didn't quite like it.
July 20, 2021
When Billy Baker's editor gives him an assignment to write about how middle-aged men don't have close friends, at first he questions whether his editor thinks he's a loser with no friends. Then he starts to think about it and realizes maybe he is a loser with no friends - damn. This starts his quest to research friendship and loneliness and how it's becoming increasingly harder in our society today to make and keep close friends. Most people have friends along the way - childhood friends, high school group, college roommates or buddies, but then once you're in the "real world" of work and family it can be challenging to maintain any real friendships. The surgeon general has declared loneliness as one of the nation's "greatest pathologies" - worse than smoking, obesity, or heart disease in increasing a person's risk for premature death. So, Baker has some motivation for reconnecting with old friends and making some new ones. This book chronicles his friendship journey and several of his (successful and unsuccessful) ideas for connecting on a more regular basis. His focus is on male friendships, but I think his ideas and story is beneficial to anyone. As I've gotten older I've found it MUCH harder to make new friends and get together regularly with the friends I do have. Baker is a great writer and I laughed out loud at lot while reading this book. It definitely inspired me to work on my friendships more as well.
Some quotes I liked:
"Friends were what we did after the 'important' stuff was done, and that shit is never done." (p. 18)
"My own personal experience with social media feels fairly typical. If I were to chart my emotions over time, it would show an early spike - 'I've reconnected with so many friends! This is the best thing ever!' - and then a slow and steady decline toward 'This is the dumpster fire that's going to swallow society!'" (p. 108)
"Overthinking shit is my favorite recreational drug." (p. 161)
"But everything has changed in the internet era. It's the 'before and after' moment in the story of humanity. It's the connector and disconnector. And I fear that for every second that passes between when I write these sentences and when they're read, the quainter these concerns will sound. Each time something new moves online and stops happening face-to-face, we deplete the world's supply of social capital. That's the scientific term for the value we derive from positive connections between people, and it may be the most important asset in the ecosystem." (p. 195)
Some quotes I liked:
"Friends were what we did after the 'important' stuff was done, and that shit is never done." (p. 18)
"My own personal experience with social media feels fairly typical. If I were to chart my emotions over time, it would show an early spike - 'I've reconnected with so many friends! This is the best thing ever!' - and then a slow and steady decline toward 'This is the dumpster fire that's going to swallow society!'" (p. 108)
"Overthinking shit is my favorite recreational drug." (p. 161)
"But everything has changed in the internet era. It's the 'before and after' moment in the story of humanity. It's the connector and disconnector. And I fear that for every second that passes between when I write these sentences and when they're read, the quainter these concerns will sound. Each time something new moves online and stops happening face-to-face, we deplete the world's supply of social capital. That's the scientific term for the value we derive from positive connections between people, and it may be the most important asset in the ecosystem." (p. 195)
December 24, 2023
Really interesting and very real. I’ve read a few books on friendship this year (Platonic, For the Love of Men) and while this is more memoir than self help it’s got tons of good lessons and takeaways
February 25, 2021
I still treasure the friendships I have with people from high school and college and even one from grade school, but as I entered my thirties we all, naturally it seems, had drifted in our own, separate directions, seeing each other a handful of times a year, if that. Before my children came along, there were certainly times when I felt lonely for friends. Now, with a career and family, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t make enough of an effort with my old friends today. Billy Baker’s book We Need to Hang Out contends that when his life was in a similar spot, it made him a “loser.” I have to say that I don’t feel that way at all—I find this point in my marriage and family life to be the happiest and most confident I’ve ever been.
After reading the book, I think that Billy Baker is a good guy, and he’s on to something. Male friendships are important—nay, essential—to a man’s life. You have to admire the guy’s perseverance and zeal which he takes on the cause and tries to make new friends. The guy has guts. And while the memoir had it’s share of cringe-inducing language and moments, I give him a world of credit for speaking out about a topic that so many men my age encounter.
Baker spent so much time research and writing about loneliness and friendship, and then going on adventures far from home (Vienna, Yellowstone) in search of something, I couldn’t help but wonder what his wife and two kids must have thought. What was he searching for? Ostensibly friendship, but maybe for more. He seemed like he needed a calling, a direction. Of course, the book is about making friends, not necessarily family life, but I had to wonder.
I’ve learned that friendships change and evolve over the course of your life. The friendships I have at 39 aren’t the same ones I had at 22, 17, or 12. I think there’s advantages each age has, though at my age I admittedly rarely see my old buddies anymore, and it truly is difficult for most men to make new friends the older they get. We only have a set number of hours outside of sleep, work, and the commute, and I feel I have to take care of how I fill that time. I don’t think Billy Baker would agree with me on this point though, and he’s got the data to prove the importance of friendships outside of family.
We Need to Hang Out took me back to the last line of the film Stand By Me, based on Stephen King’s novella, The Body, from Different Seasons: "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"
Haunting. Maybe true too.
After reading the book, I think that Billy Baker is a good guy, and he’s on to something. Male friendships are important—nay, essential—to a man’s life. You have to admire the guy’s perseverance and zeal which he takes on the cause and tries to make new friends. The guy has guts. And while the memoir had it’s share of cringe-inducing language and moments, I give him a world of credit for speaking out about a topic that so many men my age encounter.
Baker spent so much time research and writing about loneliness and friendship, and then going on adventures far from home (Vienna, Yellowstone) in search of something, I couldn’t help but wonder what his wife and two kids must have thought. What was he searching for? Ostensibly friendship, but maybe for more. He seemed like he needed a calling, a direction. Of course, the book is about making friends, not necessarily family life, but I had to wonder.
I’ve learned that friendships change and evolve over the course of your life. The friendships I have at 39 aren’t the same ones I had at 22, 17, or 12. I think there’s advantages each age has, though at my age I admittedly rarely see my old buddies anymore, and it truly is difficult for most men to make new friends the older they get. We only have a set number of hours outside of sleep, work, and the commute, and I feel I have to take care of how I fill that time. I don’t think Billy Baker would agree with me on this point though, and he’s got the data to prove the importance of friendships outside of family.
We Need to Hang Out took me back to the last line of the film Stand By Me, based on Stephen King’s novella, The Body, from Different Seasons: "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"
Haunting. Maybe true too.
January 21, 2022
Meh.
There are some interesting observations here, such as male friendships in our culture tend to focus on a shared activity or a shared goal. Guys tend to hang out more when they are shoulder-to-shoulder rather than face-to-face. Random thing thrown into the book: the whole "flight-or-fight" theory comes form a study of male brains, and while it's not totally one-gender-does-this-and-the-other-gender-does-that, Baker notes one study of women that shows a chemical gets released in fight/flight situations that cause them to rally together (tend-and-befriend the expert calls it).
OK, so there are interesting observations - but the book is still meh. The main problem is that Baker isn't really doing much to make friends. He spends the first 75% of the book trying to repair old, dormant friendships. OK, that's valuable - but it feels a bit off the title. That's especially off because the whole point of the book is that there is an epidemic of male lonliness going on and that is harmful to indviduals and to all of society.
Baker claims to be a guy without many friends, but then he has tons of contacts and acquaintances and various social groups he's a part of. (He notes during the pandemic, his phone was constantly a-buzz with messages from one group or another). He does a little to make new friends later on - but that's really more about deepening relationships with acquaintainces he already gets along pretty well with. Ultimtaely, the book is less a memoir of making friends and more the story of not letting friendships slide too much.
One more problem: Baker came off like a bit of a prick. I don't want to overstate it, but ... yeah, this guy just grated. Baker begins the book calling himself a loser for not having many friends and it just set off the "Asshole" sign in my head. Baker frequently talks of his love of ball-busting and getting his balls busted by his friends. Yeah - I get it. Joking and goofing on one's friends is a nice bonding experience and can be fun - but he and his friends go further with it than I'd like. Just the phrasing here - I call it goofing on someone and he calls it ball-busting shows a difference in aggression. Speaking as someone who was in a college fraternity, Baker came too close to embodying negative frat boy stereotypes.
I'm tempted to knock it down to two stars.
There are some interesting observations here, such as male friendships in our culture tend to focus on a shared activity or a shared goal. Guys tend to hang out more when they are shoulder-to-shoulder rather than face-to-face. Random thing thrown into the book: the whole "flight-or-fight" theory comes form a study of male brains, and while it's not totally one-gender-does-this-and-the-other-gender-does-that, Baker notes one study of women that shows a chemical gets released in fight/flight situations that cause them to rally together (tend-and-befriend the expert calls it).
OK, so there are interesting observations - but the book is still meh. The main problem is that Baker isn't really doing much to make friends. He spends the first 75% of the book trying to repair old, dormant friendships. OK, that's valuable - but it feels a bit off the title. That's especially off because the whole point of the book is that there is an epidemic of male lonliness going on and that is harmful to indviduals and to all of society.
Baker claims to be a guy without many friends, but then he has tons of contacts and acquaintances and various social groups he's a part of. (He notes during the pandemic, his phone was constantly a-buzz with messages from one group or another). He does a little to make new friends later on - but that's really more about deepening relationships with acquaintainces he already gets along pretty well with. Ultimtaely, the book is less a memoir of making friends and more the story of not letting friendships slide too much.
One more problem: Baker came off like a bit of a prick. I don't want to overstate it, but ... yeah, this guy just grated. Baker begins the book calling himself a loser for not having many friends and it just set off the "Asshole" sign in my head. Baker frequently talks of his love of ball-busting and getting his balls busted by his friends. Yeah - I get it. Joking and goofing on one's friends is a nice bonding experience and can be fun - but he and his friends go further with it than I'd like. Just the phrasing here - I call it goofing on someone and he calls it ball-busting shows a difference in aggression. Speaking as someone who was in a college fraternity, Baker came too close to embodying negative frat boy stereotypes.
I'm tempted to knock it down to two stars.
June 13, 2021
Baker writes a memoir about male friendships. This is admittedly a blind spot for me as I am terrible at maintaining friendships and an introvert to boot. I took some comfort in hearing that many other people struggle with this as well.
Friendships require activities with purpose and regular scheduled, unstructured time spent together. It’s easy to get too busy or too tired to make an effort but I will do better, especially after reading about the mental and psychological risks of not having a good circle of friends. I also appreciate so many people in my life who have made an effort to keep in touch despite my reticence. You all rock!
Great book and very much needed by me. 5/5
Friendships require activities with purpose and regular scheduled, unstructured time spent together. It’s easy to get too busy or too tired to make an effort but I will do better, especially after reading about the mental and psychological risks of not having a good circle of friends. I also appreciate so many people in my life who have made an effort to keep in touch despite my reticence. You all rock!
Great book and very much needed by me. 5/5
November 16, 2020
Thank you to Avid Reader Press and Simon and Schuster for this advanced reader's copy. This book will be on sale 1/26/21.
I really enjoyed this book, I gobbled it up in less than a day. We are 100% in a loneliness epidemic right now and we need to fix it. This book reminded me that I need to make more moments in my life to just be stupid with my friends. At times, it felt like it was only written for men, but mostly when I would get hit in the face with a certain reoccurring adjective that I despise. Ultimately, the book is about Baker's life and male friendships in general but I still got a lot out of it and it's inspiring, for sure. Baker's writing is fantastic and I definitely recommend this book! I'm finding our current state of the world so lonely at times and it was nice to feel inspired to reignite some friendships.
I really enjoyed this book, I gobbled it up in less than a day. We are 100% in a loneliness epidemic right now and we need to fix it. This book reminded me that I need to make more moments in my life to just be stupid with my friends. At times, it felt like it was only written for men, but mostly when I would get hit in the face with a certain reoccurring adjective that I despise. Ultimately, the book is about Baker's life and male friendships in general but I still got a lot out of it and it's inspiring, for sure. Baker's writing is fantastic and I definitely recommend this book! I'm finding our current state of the world so lonely at times and it was nice to feel inspired to reignite some friendships.
December 11, 2021
A wonderful book, especially for men, validating our national epidemic of loneliness, although insights for women are offered, as well. I’m tempted to gift this book to several younger men I know, but most are not readers. However, if they would just read the first few sentences, I think they would be hooked by the author’s silly, engaging, irreverent style.
The book is truly uniquely aimed at men who, as a group, seem to have more difficulty in OUR culture, connecting. He complains that, in our culture, so many ways to connect are considered taboo because they are perceived as “gaaay” as he characterizes it. I don’t think any of his observations constitutes homophobia whatsoever but some ultra sensitive types might be offended. But I highly recommend this possibly life changing book.
The book is truly uniquely aimed at men who, as a group, seem to have more difficulty in OUR culture, connecting. He complains that, in our culture, so many ways to connect are considered taboo because they are perceived as “gaaay” as he characterizes it. I don’t think any of his observations constitutes homophobia whatsoever but some ultra sensitive types might be offended. But I highly recommend this possibly life changing book.
May 17, 2021
Very up and down book. There are elements that were so fascinating and fun and elements that just fell flat. Writing style is quick and easy and fun throughout. It was an interesting premise and one I think faces many American men today (how to tell you I want to be your friend without saying it and how to hold on to adult friendships). That said, there may be a generational gap about expressing emotions which I don’t really connect with and leaves me feeling like friendship sounds way harder that doing it actually is. I think there are elements of church social life which help bridge gaps in ways that seem immensely difficult here. Overall, enjoyed the book (would have loved it more if he would have altered his choice of his favorite terms, maybe try teasing or razzing or something???)
May 20, 2021
Sobering. Funny. Insightful. Anxiety inducing. Thought provoking. Artwork with a nod to DEVO.
Think you're not lonely, guys? Read this. You're lonely. And you're getting worse by the day. In fact, you're getting lonelier merely by reading this review, as you're not interacting with your friends...if you have any, that is.
Despite the above, I really enjoyed this listen. Check it out. It's short, so it won't take you away from the friends you wish you still had.
Think you're not lonely, guys? Read this. You're lonely. And you're getting worse by the day. In fact, you're getting lonelier merely by reading this review, as you're not interacting with your friends...if you have any, that is.
Despite the above, I really enjoyed this listen. Check it out. It's short, so it won't take you away from the friends you wish you still had.
Read
January 28, 2023The author’s examples and anecdotes are mostly about male friendship because he was trying to start and revive friendships with other men. However, there is much in this book about friendship in general: why it can be hard to make friends as adults, how it is to try to keep friends, etc.
February 7, 2021
A book about male friendships and how it's de-prioritized as guys get older, resulting in loneliness being "an underappreciated public health threat." The author references lots of studies to back up his claims - as well as the overwhelming response to an article he wrote for the Boston Globe which is one of it's most popular articles. The book is written in a very easy conversational tone. Whereas I'm not a guy, it's easy to see the nuggets of wisdom dropped - like men like to bond over activities, not really talking on the phone - plus why this is happening in our society (surprise surprise -tv and social media get blamed). The book does offer some solutions too -mainly how the author took control of his own life after writing the article and the steps he took to right his friendships.
Edited to add - This book is billed as a memoir and not a self help book - which is why it's 3 stars - because ultimately, it's unclear if the author has maintained the habit of keeping the friendships. And - this may just be my own thing - but I just don't know that this was "memoir worthy". I guess I expected to be about a movement started by the author or something else super important - but not just .. I felt lonely adjacent as a middle aged man, that's a common thing, here's what I did, some of it didn't work, some of it did work. But it was an interesting read so 3 stars it is.
Edited to add - This book is billed as a memoir and not a self help book - which is why it's 3 stars - because ultimately, it's unclear if the author has maintained the habit of keeping the friendships. And - this may just be my own thing - but I just don't know that this was "memoir worthy". I guess I expected to be about a movement started by the author or something else super important - but not just .. I felt lonely adjacent as a middle aged man, that's a common thing, here's what I did, some of it didn't work, some of it did work. But it was an interesting read so 3 stars it is.
February 28, 2021
This was an excellent read about a topic I have been pondering for a few years now; quality vs quantity of friends. I often feel I'm surrounded by friends and people I enjoy being with while often finding myself lonely and struggling to schedule quality time without having a "purpose". This book was both enjoyable and gave me something to really think about.
June 22, 2021
I really felt like it was only targeted at male friendships. But it makes me think about who my 150 people are.
September 5, 2021
An absolutely delightful memoir. It’s so incredibly focused and feels effortless. I hope Baker writes more!
October 9, 2025
An obnoxious perspective on an important topic (male loneliness). For whatever reason (to be funny? his feelings of awkwardness on this topic?) everything in this book is shrouded in an irritating cloud of "bro-speak": cursing, slang, homophobia, blunt language, juvenile references to Star Wars. Ultimately, the problem in this case may not be the alienation that comes from modern society, but this one particular author's arrested development.
March 12, 2022
Entertaining and I appreciated his honesty, but it feels like I was just not the target audience for this book. May be better suited to middle aged fathers with kids.
April 23, 2024
Interesting perspective and fast book
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