Raising a Thief: A Memoir

by Paul Podolsky

A remarkable, true story about raising an unusually challenging child, in this case one who struggles to reciprocate love. Unfolding over nearly 20 years, Raising a Thief focuses on the struggles of a Russian orphan, Sonya, mistreated early in life, ultimately diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, and the family that adopted and tried to raise her. Sonya's story will allow a reader to better understand the immeasurable impact of a caregiver early in a child's life and also grasp why some bounce back from terrible childhood adversity and struggle.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

352 pages, Paperback

Published June 21, 2020

About the author

Hi there!

I was born in Washington, D.C., educated at Brown University and The Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy, Tufts University. I live in Westport, Connecticut with my wife of many years Marina, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. We have two adult children, one in technology and the other the subject of Raising a Thief. I worked as a journalist for a number of years and then spent over two decades on Wall Street, most of that time working for Bridgewater Associates. Raising a Thief is my first book.

Reviews

[Jennifer Blankfein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoir gives us a window into someone else’s life and sheds light on emotions and struggles we may not have experienced. In Raising A Thief , Paul Podolsky brings us into his world where he and his wife chose to grow their family through adoption. They endured painful occurrences and realizations about their beloved child, who at 16 months, they brought home from an orphanage in Kaliningrad, Russia.

This is a powerful story of a family and the many challenges they faced with their daughter. Sonya, a Russian adoptee was brought into a loving home after spending time in an orphanage. She had emotional issues that did not allow her to give and receive love, and some behavioral issues that included lying and stealing, from a young age. Ultimately diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, stemming from early childhood trauma, neglect and disfunction, Paul and his wife Marina did all that they could to get Sonya the help that she needed to be on track to live a fulfilling life and be connected to others.

Written with heart, honesty and humility, from the perspective of a well intended father, our eyes are opened to the never ending hope, the bad and the ugly, along with the few bright moments that accompany the extremely difficult behaviors that can often break a family apart. Raising a family has many ups and downs and with time, Paul and his family aim to make positive strides and come together. A worthwhile read for any parent.

 Author Q & A is posted on https://booknationbyjen.com. Book is available now.

[Amy Arber · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It's a memoir by a man who, with his wife, adopted a baby from Russia who had been maltreated early in life. As a result of the neglect she endured early on she couldn't bond with them or share love and was ultimately diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

I wasn't really sure what I was going to get out of this - I am a parent too but my kids are well-adjusted (with exceptions of course)! I found, however, that there are some universal themes that really resonated with me, as I imagine they would with all parents - the hope that we have when first creating a family, the disappointment when things don't work out as we had envisioned, and the desperate things we do as parents to help our kids. And it's really well-written - clear, evocative and relatable.

I'm not much of an online reviewer of anything but felt compelled as I was so moved by this book. I highly recommend!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing!!!

I cannot fully express how much I love this book. It is heartbreaking, yet heartwarming how a family did everything they could for their daughter. A must read!

[Curtis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. As a father who has adopted RAD kids, I identified strongly with the author. It was so validating to read about someone else's experiences and not feel alone with this struggle.

[Kerry Reilly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book gripping and literally couldn't put it down. The experience Paul describes going through is every parent's nightmare. The book beautifully captures so many of the challenges of fatherhood- difficulty balancing life and work, the acute stress children can put on a marriage, and self-doubt about big parenting decisions - amplified by the extremity of the situation with their daughter's compulsive manipulation and dishonesty. While the parenting saga alone would be engaging, the real depth (and ultimately hope) in the story comes from the way Paul makes himself vulnerable and wrestles through the lasting effect he and Marina's own life struggles had on their personalities and hopes and dreams and after an almost unthinkable crucible seem to reach a place of calm.

[Sharon Burke · Rating 5 out of 5]

a painfully honest account of the struggle by adoptive parents - and an abused and neglected child - to adjust and be able to work through the effects of the trauma on their mind and emotions. Although not a victim of trauma - my sister and I were finally adopted at 12 and 9 years of age, respectively - after several back and forth moves. I have just come to understand a bit how these experiences have impacted who I am - and they are now even identifying physical changes to the brain for children under 3 years of age - which were caused by the trauma and neglect - which will last all of their lives. We can learn to identify the feelings or thoughts when they arise, but cannot totally get rid of them.

Sad ending but I believe the parents sacrificed a lot and really did all they could do to help their daughter but sometimes, the damage is just too great. Adoption is a very risky situation and, as many current books clearly state, you need to prepare for what you are getting into as it can be personally challenging. And sometimes, as I believe it was in this case, even the best preparation can not bring the desired healing.

[Socorro · Rating 1 out of 5]

As someone who has lived with, and now works with, individuals with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I loathe the author and his family. It seems the decision was made very quickly to not accept this child as their own, and to see her as the problem. They fail to see almost every attempt at "treatment" further severed any attempt this child would have at attaching to anyone. Why bother to "save" a child from being warehoused, only to toss them back into one?
Perhaps other prospective adoptive parents who think a child will just owe them love because some family saves them, would be well served to read this book. Sometimes, children suffer significant harm, and rather than expecting them to be grateful and loving, perhaps be prepared to help them heal, and maybe earn that love.

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was well written and compelling. The most interesting parts were the recounting of his daughter’s origin story, and his and his wife’s childhoods. There were definitely times during the book that I felt myself rolling my eyes or disagreeing with his reaction to his daughter’s behavior because I didn’t think it sounded bad, but I think that’s one of the biggest problems - he said people just didn’t understand what it was like. So I can respect that and appreciate that he was still willing to put it all out there and try to explain, especially for other people who might be going through the same thing.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

I post online pretty rarely but I'm writing to wholeheartedly recommend this book. If you are a parent, imagine what you would do if your child didn't seem to love you back. Or worse, lied, stole and seemed entirely indifferent to your family. Until this book I thought that most any family problem could be solved with love and patience. What if that's not enough? An incredible and well told story, I burned through this in a few days because I had to find out how it ended.

[Caley Boyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a strange read. I had only heard of RAD but didn’t know exactly what it entailed. The author reiterates that parents of “normal” or less impaired children would not fully understand the decisions they made. At first I was thinking there were some harsh decisions made but it seemed that their instincts were proven correct shortly after. You could argue that they were great parents and you could argue that they were horrible. It’s definitely worth a read.

[Jenifer Wicks · Rating 5 out of 5]

stayed up all night reading, could not put down. helped me realize that memoirs are my new love. especially ones written so well.

[Nancy Erdmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

R.A.D.

Paul Poldolsky and his wife Marina adopted a cherubic, gorgeous little girl in Russia. Against the odds, they had had one child, one with “mild autism” responsive to therapy. In their attempt to add another child, they experienced heartbreaking miscarriages. Paul’s family background was Russian. He learned Russian in
college and, after graduating, became a teacher in a Russian public school. The first time he saw Marina, who was married, he was drawn to her with an extraordinary intensity. Marina’s husband left her, and thus Paul and Marina were able to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary by the end of this memoir. But, although Podolsky is writing an autobiographical narrative of his family, it centers on their daughter, who seems to be among a subcategory of the most difficult kinds of child adoptees, often coming from bleak societal levels in Russia or Eastern Europe.

Before this second child, even though their son is “on the spectrum,” they are the beneficiaries of their own high-level abilities, deeply internalized goals, and good helpings of luck. Their story is good, not perfect, but similar to other achieving young couples in good neighborhoods, at good graduate schools, in jobs where they receive better and better pay.

When they adopt their little girl, immediately bonding to her with a strong parental love, they find themselves having to accept, bit by bit, year after year, the unlooked for truth that their cherished daughter is definitely deeply disturbed; finally the diagnosis “Reactive Attachment Disorder” comes the closest to describing what they see. That is when their life as a family diverges from any kind of mainstream. This is the story of parenting and loving a young child who seems to have no authentic feelings. No conscience. No reciprocal love. She grows up with profound pathological disorders involving unremitting lying and stealing.

Paul and Marina can afford any therapeutic consultation or program in the U.S. for their daughter or for their family. They are highly intelligent, committed and loving. The story of their almost unbearably difficult journey and of their commitment to changing their own relationship and offering years of the most effective and thorough healing help to their daughter while not knowing where instinctive hope will bring them is ASTOUNDING.

Anyone with psychological insight into and caring about children and family will receive “untold riches” in reading this honest, intimate, harrowing AND beautifully-written true story.

[Alex O · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’ve never been so eager for a book to end.

From the beginning I felt conflicted about it. Titling a book about your kid “Raising a Thief” while that kid is out there living her life somewhere? Not off to a great start. For the majority of the book my spidey senses were certainly tingling but I wanted to give it a chance.

To summarize, couple adopts an incredibly traumatized orphan toddler. Just a baby, had a terrible start. One would anticipate behavioral problems, and sure enough this kid had them. However, as the book goes on the author continues to paint himself more and more as a victim, and by the last 40 pages I could barely make it through. He outlines personal details about her (mind you this is a real adult out in the world now) about how she used to shit herself as a kid. He outlines how he sent her away repeatedly to remote treatment centers where she was trained to sit on command like a dog whenever she had opinions, and taught to say things on command like “I was playing you”. He views every small thing she says and does as some sort of evil ploy against him, corners her until she “admits” to wrongdoing that he’s accusing her of, and then complains that she “disassociates”. As the book goes on he mentions repeatedly how she’s gained weight because she has no self control, how superior her peers are in comparison, and how she is unworthy of his love.

This is a story of a traumatized kid who had the misfortune of being further traumatized by narcissistic parents, who are incapable of considering that someone’s actions could be of their own desires, not just out of planned defiance specifically to spite them. Don’t get me wrong, this kid had behavior issues, but the shitty “parenting” in this book didn’t help. I’m glad I found this book second hand and the money didn’t support this monster of a parent.

[Stacey OBrien · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing, insightful book about attachment disorder

This is the best book I've ever come across about attachment disorder and how it created sociopaths that can't change.

Anyone who seeks to adopt a child needs to find out exactly how the first year if that child's life went. If a baby is abandoned within the first year or two, has no present nurturer, they could end up a sociopath and a habitual liar who lies about their lies - a person who can be dangerous to their family. It's an important subject to understand, also, when thinking about public policy.

If we had immediate intervention in early childhood with neglected children, we would have less murder, less violence, less sociopathic lying.

But this is not a book about policy. It's a raw book about a couple who adopts a child and tries all their lives to help and love this child, but she is "broken". A child abandoned very early in life, or abused, doesn't have the same brain growth as a normal human. They don't have a conscience. They don't have empathy, and they live to control others. They are superficially charming but can be deeply evil. Trying to raise and love such a person is what this harrowing book is about.
It seems heartbreaking honest and raw and should be illuminating for most people to read.
I couldn't put it down. It's like reading a psychological horror book except that it's all too real.

[Stacy]

I initially thought Paul and Marina were extraordinary parents and admired their commitment to Sonya. I even supported their decision to send her to Thornhill at 9 years of age, However, as the story progressed, Paul became very inflexible, unrealistic in his expectations, and demanding. Even when Sonya displayed normal childhood behavior (such as playing in the pool instead of swimming together as they had in the past) he cut her visit short and sent her back to residential care. On another visit, he criticized her for getting off the plane and engaging in small talk. Did he really wish to have a serious discussion at the airport? There's a time and place for a heartfelt conversation and that wasn't it.
It became glaringly evident he was seeking reasons to cut her out of his life and family and consequently found every reason to do so. In short, she could do nothing right....everything she said or did, however innocuous, was reason to remove her from the family home.

It was appalling that he and Marina made no effort whatsoever to house her after her final residential home at 18. They didn't even ask if she wanted to attend college or where she would live, how she would eat, etc. She had no place to live and they simply did not care if she slept in the street. They no longer wanted the financial burden. They tossed her out like garbage.
I went from admiring them to hating them.

[Linda Mckenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raising a Thief is a brilliant memoir with a difficult subject. The author has done a fabulous job of laying it bare. Paul and Marina Podolsky adopted a 16-month-old toddler named Sonya from Russia. Over time, they began to realize that something wasn’t quite right with Sonya’s interactions with people. Eventually they understood that Sonya suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder, a condition that makes it very hard for a child to connect with anyone, including their family.

The book describes their phenomenal efforts to get Sonya the help she needed to become a functioning member of their family and humanity. I admire Paul’s willingness to be completely honest about the frustration and hopelessness of dealing with a child’s psychopathic behavior, including the impact on his marriage, his mildly autistic son, and their friendships. Paul and Marina were also forced to deal with their own childhood traumas in their efforts to help Sonya.

I highly recommend this book.

[Anne Mancuso · Rating 5 out of 5]

The challenge of raising an adopted child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

The author writes about the difficult journey he and his wife traveled after adopting a child from an orphanage in Russia. Their daughter was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and had a destructive compulsion to lie and steal from everyone around her. This trauma caused her to abuse her parents even though they tried everything to help her. She received years of therapy at different residential schools and how despite everything they tried, she never overcame her destructive compulsions to have a loving relationship with her adoptive family. After many years of therapy, they had to let her go her own way as an adult. A very insightful book about the illness and how sometimes nothing can help these kids to become normal adults until they really want to.

[Marilene Yoakim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having raised two intelligent children traumatized by the death of their father when they were very young, and having done this alone, I can say that RAD or no RAD I had to go through many of the same challenges the author did so I could relate to much of what i read and the frustrations of having to deal with stubbornness, lack of empathy, constant transgression of rules, anger, etc etc. Yet I thought love had to be unconditional and the constantly stressing out the words stealing, lying while making the young child know she was bad made me feel stressed and impatient towards the parents and not the daughter. They made things worse by creating a control war zone in their own house.
Parents from dysfunctional backgrounds should not adopt. They lack the àbility to give unconditional love which is what Sonya needed instead of being daily reminded of what a bad child she was.

[Doug Cook · Rating 5 out of 5]

Painfully touching.

The author does an outstanding job in weaving a bittersweet tale of trying to help themselves when adopting a Russian orphan, while at the same time, do something altruistic for society. The saga is very enjoyable reading as he doesn't get bogged down in a maudlin guilt trip about society's indifference to suffering or in his family's suffering at being handed a bum deal when trying simply to do the right thing. He tells a story not bereft of sadness or unbelievable frustration, but tells it factually, matter of factly, but with a depth of feeling that only a parent can have when faced with helplessness in be able to do nothing to steer a child in becoming a healthy productive member of society. This was a very good painfully honest tale of a family whose dead level best was just not good enough.

[Peg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating account of family that adopted a young child ultimately diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder ( a condition in which an infant or young child does not form a secure, healthy emotional bond with his or her primary caretakers (parental figures). Children with RAD often have trouble managing their emotions. They struggle to form meaningful connections with other people.)

What was so difficult for me as a parent was the consensus that this particular child had no hope for a future. After years of treatment, including several lengthy boarding programs, she was deemed likely to be criminal, and even dangerous to others, as an adult. Yet she could not be committed or protected once she turned 18.

The author includes lengthy analyses of his and his spouse’s lesser childhood traumas, discussing what appear to be their minor forms of attachment issues.

[Irene Kleiman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointing

The subject matter of this memoir, raising an adopted daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder, is compelling. Unfortunately, the author is very focused on the parents’ own dysfunctional backgrounds, how admirable were their attempts to help their child, and why they couldn’t succeed. His descriptions of their daughter and her issues is both repetitive and too general. (She lies, she cheats, she steals…) The book reads more like a treatise on how hard RAD children are to raise and the physiological and psychological reasons why. I ended up knowing little more than I learned from the book’s blurb and having no clear understanding of the daughter’s own struggles.

[Betsy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal and Beautifully Written! You will be hooked from page one.
Without giving to much away...Paul leads you through the journey he and his family went through from start to current day. Highly recommend this book to all, families, friends, educators. Whether you know someone with RAD or not, it’s a remarkable example of how a couple, their marriage, their family endures some major trials and tribulations. From how each other’s upbringing shaped their personalities to their unlimitedness endurance, patience and unconditionally love helps form its own unique bond.

Paul, Marina, Sasha and Sonya, May the light always find you on a dreary day...

[Erica Wendell · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful and incredible story of parenting!
This true story was a powerful and heart-wrenching story of a family who struggled with an adopted daughter with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). For anyone who has a child with RAD, or other mental illnesses - it's a must read! And for parents or anyone impacted by mental illness, it's an informative, raw, and powerful story. This book also touches on the great strength and courage that people go through to overcome their past and make positive strides in order to improve themselves and their relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!

[Elisabeth Brookshire · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little RAD, a lot of Russia

I've always been interested in learning about children with a RAD diagnosis and this book offers scenarios of what life is like with one. Sonya is a lot more tame than many others I've read about. There was just SO much information about Russia. Since Sonya was mostly raised in America, it just didn't hold my interest. Now, a book about just Russian orphanages might be something but I just didn't want to read so much about what specific apartments looked like, or how their pools are set up, or about how much they like their vodka. That's why four stars, not five.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
This memoir is captivating in its honesty and grit. The amount of patience and understanding it takes for these parents to raise their adoptive daughter, who is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, is incredible. They really try everything they can to help her become a fully functional adult. The choices they made were in her best interest but it took a tremendous amount of courage to make these decisions.

[Sandra K. Rodriguez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting book

This book was so compelling that I could not put it down. I learned a lot about Russia and it's children. It was so sad and frustrating that Sonya ( an adopted Russian girl) would not ( or could not) follow rules, even after stints at several. different boarding schools for girls who had problems like hers. School officials tried to help, but Sonya was not cooperative. Sonya was an accomplished liar and a master manipulator, among other things, and her family wondered if her coming from a Russian orphanage could be her problem.

[Karen Hube · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a heart-wrenching, courageously honest account. Beautifully told with cultural detail (much of the early story and background is set in the Soviet Union), the memoir is even bigger than its captivating central story, and so it can resonate deeply even without experience with adoption. It illustrates through a clinical lens the essential human need for nurture and love, and is a reminder that how we were raised shapes our own limitations/strengths/challenges as parents and partners.

[Ben Reeves · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an extraordinary book, I stayed up until the early morning hours reading and thinking about what Paul and his family had been through, as well as what it taught him and now me about the world. While the story itself is extraordinary, what makes the book great is Paul’s honesty and willingness to explore his own actions and thoughts, combined with skill and care in describing them vividly.

[Gary · Rating 4 out of 5]

An important story that should become part of the professional literature.

A whole new level of sadness for me with respect to understanding odd children who are suffering even more than their families. We need to study these families even more completely than we study War vs. Peace!

[Frank Ferrell · Rating 1 out of 5]

Mountains out of mole hills

This book made me so mad i wanted to punch Pool sky in the face! He blew it with Sonya and he should feel very, very guilty. Instead of flitting from one psychological theory to the next you should have looked at your adopted, Russian daughter right in front of you and acted appropriately. A very sad story made worse by you being a literary whore.