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But You're Still So Young: How Thirtysomethings Are Redefining Adulthood
From the author of Text Me When You Get Home, an investigation into what it means to be in your thirties, and to navigate some of the biggest milestones of adult life . . . and how it is more okay than ever to not have every box checked off
On Kayleen Schaefer's birthday she went dancing with friends, they broke a table, and she turned thirty standing on the sidewalk outside a club she got kicked out of.
Sociologists have identified the five markers of adulthood as: finishing school, leaving home, marriage, gaining financial independence, and having kids. But the signifiers of being in our thirties today are not the same--repeated economic upheaval, rising debt, decreasing marriage rates, fertility treatments, and a more open-minded society have all led to a shifting timeline. Americans are taking major life steps later, switching careers with unprecedented frequency, and exercising increased freedom and creativity in their decisions about how to shape their lives. So why are we measuring adulthood by the same metrics that were relied upon fifty years ago?
BUT YOU'RE STILL SO YOUNG is cleverly structured around these five major life events. For each milestone, the book highlights men and women from various backgrounds, from around the country, and delves into their experiences navigating an ever-changing financial landscape and evolving societal expectations. The thirtysomethings in this book envisioned their thirties differently than how they are actually living them. He thought he would be done with his degree, she thought she'd be married, they thought they'd be famous comedians, and everyone thought they would have more money.
Kayleen uses her smart narrative framing, research skills, and relatable voice and her own story to show how the thirties have changed from the cultural stereotypes around them, and how they are a radically different experience for Americans now than it was for any other generation. And as she and her sources show, not being able to do everything isn't a sign of a life gone wrong. Being open to going sideways or upside down or backward, means it has gone right: you found meaning and value in many different ways of living.
On Kayleen Schaefer's birthday she went dancing with friends, they broke a table, and she turned thirty standing on the sidewalk outside a club she got kicked out of.
Sociologists have identified the five markers of adulthood as: finishing school, leaving home, marriage, gaining financial independence, and having kids. But the signifiers of being in our thirties today are not the same--repeated economic upheaval, rising debt, decreasing marriage rates, fertility treatments, and a more open-minded society have all led to a shifting timeline. Americans are taking major life steps later, switching careers with unprecedented frequency, and exercising increased freedom and creativity in their decisions about how to shape their lives. So why are we measuring adulthood by the same metrics that were relied upon fifty years ago?
BUT YOU'RE STILL SO YOUNG is cleverly structured around these five major life events. For each milestone, the book highlights men and women from various backgrounds, from around the country, and delves into their experiences navigating an ever-changing financial landscape and evolving societal expectations. The thirtysomethings in this book envisioned their thirties differently than how they are actually living them. He thought he would be done with his degree, she thought she'd be married, they thought they'd be famous comedians, and everyone thought they would have more money.
Kayleen uses her smart narrative framing, research skills, and relatable voice and her own story to show how the thirties have changed from the cultural stereotypes around them, and how they are a radically different experience for Americans now than it was for any other generation. And as she and her sources show, not being able to do everything isn't a sign of a life gone wrong. Being open to going sideways or upside down or backward, means it has gone right: you found meaning and value in many different ways of living.
240 pages, Hardcover
First published March 2, 2021
139 people are currently reading
4546 people want to read
About the author
Kayleen Schaefer
3 books116 followersKayleen Schaefer is a journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, Vogue, The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, and many other publications.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 187 reviews
March 9, 2021
The twenties have undergone a rebrand. What was once a time when many people settled down and started a family is now a decade of self-discovery in which it’s okay to not be sure of what you want or who you want to be. But the thirties? Our thirtieth birthdays have morphed into a very official-sounding cutoff date: “By thirty, I should be in my dream career. By thirty, I’ll be married with kids. By thirty, I should have my life figured out.” As many of us enter this supposedly steady period of our lives with things still looking jumbled, it seems to beg the question: do the thirties deserve their own overhaul?
In the incredibly readable (and binge-able) “But You’re Still So Young,” journalist and author of Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship, Kayleen Schaefer looks at the thirties as a decade and uses studies as well as personal stories to test whether or not the thirties are the calm waters we desire them to be. Are we truly adults at 30? To test this, the author lays out the traditional milestones of adult life:
1) Finishing school
2) Leaving home
3) Getting married
4) Gaining financial independence
5) Having children
There is a lot of pressure on all of us to accomplish all of these and to have them under our belt if not by our thirtieth birthdays, then sometime within our thirties. And this isn’t just outside pressure: we have lofty expectations of ourselves to check off these boxes, even though they are ideals are largely rooted in the 1950s which fail to recognize the changing world in which we live.
That’s the author’s main purpose in writing this book: showing the thirties not for what they once were or for what they represent from a distance, but for the realities we face when we’re in this decade.
She goes milestone by milestone, citing the differences modern thirty-somethings face that their parents either did not or did to a much lesser degree (see also: a devastating global pandemic, crushing student loan debt, an unforgiving job market, inflated housing prices...I could go on). But she also tells a variety of stories of people in their thirties who are struggling with one or more of the abovementioned milestones for reasons that are often out of their control. These are people from all different backgrounds who are all facing the challenge of being a thirty-something in the modern world.
Schaefer does a great job discussing the problems modern thirty-somethings are facing and the real stories she presents illustrate her points nicely; she even tells her own story throughout the book as she was thirty-nine when she was writing it. Throughout each chapter, her interjections in which she quotes different psychologists and ethnographers to present demonstrable societal changes that the personal stories hinted at were extremely helpful, I simply wish there were more of them. I often felt that these personal stories went on too long without the author’s voice highlighting the main takeaways and how they connect to the research.
Being attracted to such a book, I’m obviously a thirty-something myself (I’m in my early thirties as I write this), and I found much of it to be extremely familiar, but also illuminating. It is indeed very difficult to see yourself as an adult when even one element of your life is left dangling. Whatever part of “complete adulthood” you’re “missing” is absolutely what everyone will want updates on when they speak to you, and it can get exhausting.
It’s high time that the thirties got the same window treatment as the twenties. There’s no magic switch that flips when midnight strikes on your thirtieth birthday and the things you were unsure of at 29 will trail behind you into your thirties like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. If we can stop speaking about these years as though they’re a finish line and more like what they are: a new era of exploration, we’ll all be much better off. I'm grateful to this book for shining a light on that fact.
In the incredibly readable (and binge-able) “But You’re Still So Young,” journalist and author of Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship, Kayleen Schaefer looks at the thirties as a decade and uses studies as well as personal stories to test whether or not the thirties are the calm waters we desire them to be. Are we truly adults at 30? To test this, the author lays out the traditional milestones of adult life:
1) Finishing school
2) Leaving home
3) Getting married
4) Gaining financial independence
5) Having children
There is a lot of pressure on all of us to accomplish all of these and to have them under our belt if not by our thirtieth birthdays, then sometime within our thirties. And this isn’t just outside pressure: we have lofty expectations of ourselves to check off these boxes, even though they are ideals are largely rooted in the 1950s which fail to recognize the changing world in which we live.
That’s the author’s main purpose in writing this book: showing the thirties not for what they once were or for what they represent from a distance, but for the realities we face when we’re in this decade.
She goes milestone by milestone, citing the differences modern thirty-somethings face that their parents either did not or did to a much lesser degree (see also: a devastating global pandemic, crushing student loan debt, an unforgiving job market, inflated housing prices...I could go on). But she also tells a variety of stories of people in their thirties who are struggling with one or more of the abovementioned milestones for reasons that are often out of their control. These are people from all different backgrounds who are all facing the challenge of being a thirty-something in the modern world.
Schaefer does a great job discussing the problems modern thirty-somethings are facing and the real stories she presents illustrate her points nicely; she even tells her own story throughout the book as she was thirty-nine when she was writing it. Throughout each chapter, her interjections in which she quotes different psychologists and ethnographers to present demonstrable societal changes that the personal stories hinted at were extremely helpful, I simply wish there were more of them. I often felt that these personal stories went on too long without the author’s voice highlighting the main takeaways and how they connect to the research.
Being attracted to such a book, I’m obviously a thirty-something myself (I’m in my early thirties as I write this), and I found much of it to be extremely familiar, but also illuminating. It is indeed very difficult to see yourself as an adult when even one element of your life is left dangling. Whatever part of “complete adulthood” you’re “missing” is absolutely what everyone will want updates on when they speak to you, and it can get exhausting.
It’s high time that the thirties got the same window treatment as the twenties. There’s no magic switch that flips when midnight strikes on your thirtieth birthday and the things you were unsure of at 29 will trail behind you into your thirties like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. If we can stop speaking about these years as though they’re a finish line and more like what they are: a new era of exploration, we’ll all be much better off. I'm grateful to this book for shining a light on that fact.
March 21, 2021
I think this book really resonated with me because as I got older, I had this nagging feeling of not being in the "right" place yet, of not being the person I thought I'd be at this age, of not having the things that I thought I'd have.
This really helped to get some perspective. First of all, many of us thirtysomethings have these feelings and these are normal because we've always been told that by a certain age you should have a career, a house, a partner, children. But what if it doesn't happen for us? We risk living our lives waiting and waiting and eventually wishing our life away.
The other big point is that reaching those "goals" by a certain age is getting harder and harder and it doesn't all depend on us as individuals. See, the thing is that in most Western countries getting on the property ladder is pretty hard, a lot more difficult than it used to be.
Finding a good career as well and again we live with this message that if you work hard enough, you'll achieve those things and so it must be true that if you don't achieve them, then you didn't work hard enough. And again that's not the case.
Sometimes what you see on a facebook status or on instagram posts doesn't tell you what's behind. As an example, someone your age with a similar job to you might become a homeowner and you beat yourself up because you're not. What they don't tell you is whether they got help from family which is the case very often.
In the end, I think this reminded me that everyone has their own path and adulthood is not defined by one or more "goals". And also to not forget to try and enjoy the journey too.
One thing I have to say is that this is very US-centric but many of the messages can be applied to other Western cultures as well.
This really helped to get some perspective. First of all, many of us thirtysomethings have these feelings and these are normal because we've always been told that by a certain age you should have a career, a house, a partner, children. But what if it doesn't happen for us? We risk living our lives waiting and waiting and eventually wishing our life away.
The other big point is that reaching those "goals" by a certain age is getting harder and harder and it doesn't all depend on us as individuals. See, the thing is that in most Western countries getting on the property ladder is pretty hard, a lot more difficult than it used to be.
Finding a good career as well and again we live with this message that if you work hard enough, you'll achieve those things and so it must be true that if you don't achieve them, then you didn't work hard enough. And again that's not the case.
Sometimes what you see on a facebook status or on instagram posts doesn't tell you what's behind. As an example, someone your age with a similar job to you might become a homeowner and you beat yourself up because you're not. What they don't tell you is whether they got help from family which is the case very often.
In the end, I think this reminded me that everyone has their own path and adulthood is not defined by one or more "goals". And also to not forget to try and enjoy the journey too.
One thing I have to say is that this is very US-centric but many of the messages can be applied to other Western cultures as well.
March 19, 2021
This book was affirming. It’s premise is based around the 1950s idea that there are five major milestones to adulthood: finishing school, leaving home, getting married, becoming financially independent, and having children. I’d argue that while the idea was made formal in the 1950s, it has been woven into American culture (freedom! Independence! Production!) much longer.
There are a few things I wish were more fleshed out. The book feels pretty white middle class (one guy was making six figures and that is certainly not something I will ever be able to relate to), so I wish it was a bit more representative, though they are case studies so I understand why it is not. The analysis can be a bit surface-level at times and I found myself wanting more data and explanations for phenomena. I would also like to know how economic status, race, sexuality, and gender individually play roles.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. I’ve constantly felt immensely judged in my adult life when people find out I live with my parents yet have a successful career and am almost 30. It seems to infuriate them that I’d rather bingewatch tv with my mom in the evenings than drink wine alone and cry in an empty overpriced apartment - drinking wine and crying in the home where I live is much more affordable! And there’s hugs afterward! There is also always an insinuation that my parents want me to leave. That I’m some kind of failure to launch. Trust me, they don’t! And my mom will fight you if you’re mean to me.
I have no interest in ever having children. Though I live with my parents, I am financially independent. I have no plans to move out. I have no plans to get married. Does that mean I’ll never be an “adult”? I certainly don’t think so. And I’m glad this book affirms how I feel about my life.
Side note: I put her first book on hold and can't wait to dive into it at some point!
There are a few things I wish were more fleshed out. The book feels pretty white middle class (one guy was making six figures and that is certainly not something I will ever be able to relate to), so I wish it was a bit more representative, though they are case studies so I understand why it is not. The analysis can be a bit surface-level at times and I found myself wanting more data and explanations for phenomena. I would also like to know how economic status, race, sexuality, and gender individually play roles.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. I’ve constantly felt immensely judged in my adult life when people find out I live with my parents yet have a successful career and am almost 30. It seems to infuriate them that I’d rather bingewatch tv with my mom in the evenings than drink wine alone and cry in an empty overpriced apartment - drinking wine and crying in the home where I live is much more affordable! And there’s hugs afterward! There is also always an insinuation that my parents want me to leave. That I’m some kind of failure to launch. Trust me, they don’t! And my mom will fight you if you’re mean to me.
I have no interest in ever having children. Though I live with my parents, I am financially independent. I have no plans to move out. I have no plans to get married. Does that mean I’ll never be an “adult”? I certainly don’t think so. And I’m glad this book affirms how I feel about my life.
Side note: I put her first book on hold and can't wait to dive into it at some point!
November 24, 2021
If you are in your 20s or late 30s I highly recommend you read this book. There's so much pressure to tick boxes to show you are "adulting" right.... this is a reminder you don't have to!
July 11, 2021
This book is mostly Schaefer describing the lives of people in a seemingly random sample group. She talks about their routines, their life decisions, their family connections. I got to hear a whole lot of random trivia about these people’s daily routines, but not actually much observation or commentary about how and why their lives are representative of a wider cultural trend. I wanted the author to actually use these people to say something about 30-somethings. But she didn’t get very far.
I'm still kind of eyeing Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship and All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation.
I'm still kind of eyeing Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship and All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation.
February 10, 2021
As a thirty-something without a spouse or kids, this book was speaking directly to me. I appreciated the structure of having a chapter devoted to each of the five milestones that sociologists in the 1950s said you needed to achieve to be an adult. There is some data and description of why we no longer check those boxes in our early twenties (or ever), but the real heart of the book is the stories of others in their thirties. The book features people at various stages of life and levels of expectation of where they "should" be. I would recommend this book to anyone at any age who scrolls through social media and feels somehow behind everyone else.
Thank you to Netgalley for the ARC!
Thank you to Netgalley for the ARC!
March 8, 2021
I really need to stop reading books like this. Books about how your life progresses, your milestones, the decades of your life, whatever. They're not for me. This kind of book is for straight middle-class white people whose expectations for life are shaped by other straight middle-class white people.
I know the point is that "the milestones have changed" but this book talks about how the milestones have changed primarily from the lens of "I never reached those milestones." It's mostly a series of vignettes of people in their thirties briefly recounting some part of their life, focusing on some aspect like "education" or "family." I was disappointed by the lack of statistics or further study on any of these topics. The author would dip in with a few paragraphs but then return to these case studies. It's informal, which I'm sure is intended, but I found that I didn't get anything out of the stories.
The author does have a diverse cast of case studies, which I'm sure was done so carefully and on purpose, but the discussions of how cultural difference or any intersecting oppression affects this framework is minimal and shallow. There's mention of someone's race and how it's affected their life, but there's little if no accounting for how these differences would change what being "thirty-something" means to someone who isn't, again, straight white and middle class.
Maybe I was hoping for something that this book never intended on giving me, but I was disappointed nonetheless.
I know the point is that "the milestones have changed" but this book talks about how the milestones have changed primarily from the lens of "I never reached those milestones." It's mostly a series of vignettes of people in their thirties briefly recounting some part of their life, focusing on some aspect like "education" or "family." I was disappointed by the lack of statistics or further study on any of these topics. The author would dip in with a few paragraphs but then return to these case studies. It's informal, which I'm sure is intended, but I found that I didn't get anything out of the stories.
The author does have a diverse cast of case studies, which I'm sure was done so carefully and on purpose, but the discussions of how cultural difference or any intersecting oppression affects this framework is minimal and shallow. There's mention of someone's race and how it's affected their life, but there's little if no accounting for how these differences would change what being "thirty-something" means to someone who isn't, again, straight white and middle class.
Maybe I was hoping for something that this book never intended on giving me, but I was disappointed nonetheless.
dnf
April 27, 2021I'm trying to walk away from books that are mediocre, instead of finishing pieces that I know I'm not that into. This is a prime example - it's 2 star level, pretty "meh", and I don't want to listen to the remaining 3 hours of audiobook since I have much better books checked out from the library.
This is what I'd call "fluffy" nonfiction. The author attempts to talk through five major life achievements that traditionally define your arrival into your thirties - finishing school, moving out, getting married, becoming financially independent, and having children. The conclusion is, unsurprisingly, that society has changed in the last fifty years and these notches on your metaphorical life belt are not necessarily how we should be defining our lives. Unfortunately, this argument is made with some really soft analysis and a ton of anecdotes, instead of hard facts. I've finished three of the five chapters and I'm still unsure WHY society has made the changes it has. I'd expect socioeconomics, race, changing gender roles, etc. at minimum and while a few of these are briefly mentioned, nothing is elaborated on.
I guess it can be reassuring to read that you aren't the only one feeling a bit lost as we hit the 30 mark? But I'm not interested enough in the actual content to continue.
This is what I'd call "fluffy" nonfiction. The author attempts to talk through five major life achievements that traditionally define your arrival into your thirties - finishing school, moving out, getting married, becoming financially independent, and having children. The conclusion is, unsurprisingly, that society has changed in the last fifty years and these notches on your metaphorical life belt are not necessarily how we should be defining our lives. Unfortunately, this argument is made with some really soft analysis and a ton of anecdotes, instead of hard facts. I've finished three of the five chapters and I'm still unsure WHY society has made the changes it has. I'd expect socioeconomics, race, changing gender roles, etc. at minimum and while a few of these are briefly mentioned, nothing is elaborated on.
I guess it can be reassuring to read that you aren't the only one feeling a bit lost as we hit the 30 mark? But I'm not interested enough in the actual content to continue.
March 1, 2021
When the publisher asked if I would be interested in reading But You're Still So Young, I was honestly a little hesitant because nonfiction is not my typical genre. But as a 32 year old female who has struggled with the idea of adulthood and doing things "right," I knew I needed to branch out and give this one a shot!
But You're Still So Young is a well-researched book about how millennials are redefining adulthood. For years we were sold the idea that life will be perfect if we go to college, get our dream job the day after graduation, gain financial stability, get married, buy a house, and have kids. Oh and all of this needs to be accomplished before you are 30. But that is not the case anymore.
More and more millennials are delaying marriage until their 30s. Some are moving back home after graduation because they have thousands of dollars of debt and the dream job with a 401K simply isn't there. And many are delaying having children because they don't feel like adults even though they are in their 30s!
I personally have struggled with feeling like a true adult, even in my late 20s when I started my career and got married. Some days I still feel like a kid when I have to call my daddy for help with my car or ask my mom how to cook something. But we have been sold this idea of what makes a person an adult for so long that we now feel like we haven't achieved this milestone because we can't tick off every piece of criteria on society's outdated list.
I recommend this book to every 20-something or 30-something who is struggling with the fact that life didn't play out the way they expected. Most of the time, the book didn't feel like nonfiction because the author included different narratives from people she interviewed. Their stories kept me interested in the book because I genuinely wanted to know how things turned out for each person. But You're Still So Young made me realize that my 30s are not a death sentence and I still have a lot of living to do! Many thanks to Dutton for an advanced copy in exchange for my honest review.
But You're Still So Young is a well-researched book about how millennials are redefining adulthood. For years we were sold the idea that life will be perfect if we go to college, get our dream job the day after graduation, gain financial stability, get married, buy a house, and have kids. Oh and all of this needs to be accomplished before you are 30. But that is not the case anymore.
More and more millennials are delaying marriage until their 30s. Some are moving back home after graduation because they have thousands of dollars of debt and the dream job with a 401K simply isn't there. And many are delaying having children because they don't feel like adults even though they are in their 30s!
I personally have struggled with feeling like a true adult, even in my late 20s when I started my career and got married. Some days I still feel like a kid when I have to call my daddy for help with my car or ask my mom how to cook something. But we have been sold this idea of what makes a person an adult for so long that we now feel like we haven't achieved this milestone because we can't tick off every piece of criteria on society's outdated list.
I recommend this book to every 20-something or 30-something who is struggling with the fact that life didn't play out the way they expected. Most of the time, the book didn't feel like nonfiction because the author included different narratives from people she interviewed. Their stories kept me interested in the book because I genuinely wanted to know how things turned out for each person. But You're Still So Young made me realize that my 30s are not a death sentence and I still have a lot of living to do! Many thanks to Dutton for an advanced copy in exchange for my honest review.
March 30, 2021
As someone approaching her 30s, I enjoyed this books overall. It was comforting to read interviews from people who were also feeling like they didn't have life as settled as they expected by their third decade. I related to some of them more than others, which is not surprising, and not all of them made made mature, well reasoned decisions, which was also not surprising. However, whether their lives had been shaped more by circumstance or by their own decisions, everyone seemed to have grown from the journey by the book's end.
That all being said, I would still only give it three stars because there were areas I would have liked to be backed by greater scientific research and data, and because the author's message was unclear. In the beginning she seemed to be making one point, but by the conclusion she'd ended up in a different direction. Maybe that was part of her own journey in her writing, and that does mirror the idea she proposes that we're all on our own path and things will happen in their own times, but the question as to whether the five stages of adulthood are still valid milestone markers was left behind roughly two-thirds through the book and never given an answer.
All in all, it was still a worthwhile read, but it's not as polished as I had hoped.
That all being said, I would still only give it three stars because there were areas I would have liked to be backed by greater scientific research and data, and because the author's message was unclear. In the beginning she seemed to be making one point, but by the conclusion she'd ended up in a different direction. Maybe that was part of her own journey in her writing, and that does mirror the idea she proposes that we're all on our own path and things will happen in their own times, but the question as to whether the five stages of adulthood are still valid milestone markers was left behind roughly two-thirds through the book and never given an answer.
All in all, it was still a worthwhile read, but it's not as polished as I had hoped.
April 3, 2021
It was published so recently, it included info about Covid, which made it even more relatable. An empowering nonfiction read.
March 31, 2021
Too much time was spent on anecdotes and not enough facts and statistics, which would have added weight and gravitas to the author’s argument that adulthood is not what it “used” to be and that the 30s is a whole new decade for growth and exploration, as opposed to clear cut defineable milestones.
March 3, 2021
This book is centered around the milestones that happen in our 30s. For each milestone, the book highlights different men and women who envisioned their thirties to be much different from how they are living them. The author incorporated her own life too, so this read like a memoir with little passages sprinkled in about everybody else's life and how they all unfold together.
One quote said, "It feels wrong to admit I'm still working on it. I don't know if this is right. I thought it would be different. I can't do it." I can relate to that because we all seem to have preconceived notions about what we are supposed to be doing in our 30s, but not everything makes sense. It's not all smooth sailing. Looking back, I feel like my forties are what I thought my thirties would be.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/kay...
One quote said, "It feels wrong to admit I'm still working on it. I don't know if this is right. I thought it would be different. I can't do it." I can relate to that because we all seem to have preconceived notions about what we are supposed to be doing in our 30s, but not everything makes sense. It's not all smooth sailing. Looking back, I feel like my forties are what I thought my thirties would be.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/kay...
March 14, 2021
But You're Still So Young by Kayleen Schaefer is a great read! There is a lot of pressure on adults, particularly as they enter their thirties, to have met certain milestones along the way (finishing school, getting married, leaving home, etc.). In a very easy to read manner, Schaefer breaks down the traditional milestones of adult life and compares modern thirty-year-olds to generations past. This book was well-researched, and I loved that the author included parts of her own story and real-life stories of others interspersed with the research. I think this would be a great read for anyone in their twenties or thirties who may feel that life isn't playing out how it should be, or for anyone ready to change the mindset that thirty is the magical cutoff for achieving arbitrary milestones.
I received an ARC of this title from the publisher via NetGalley which did not affect the contents of my voluntary review. All opinions are honest and my own.
I received an ARC of this title from the publisher via NetGalley which did not affect the contents of my voluntary review. All opinions are honest and my own.
February 6, 2022
"His eye has started to twitch, his sleep is inconsistent, and, at work, he’s gone from thinking I don’t want to work here anymore to knowing I can’t work here anymore."
no sé qué tiene, pero este libro me encantó. la manera en la que se plantearon las cosas me resonaron mucho, y también las ansiedades que empiezan a aparecer cuando te das cuenta que ya eres un adulto no estereotipo que no está cumpliendo con cosas 'de la edad'.
me hizo pensar, me hizo razonar y también comentar. como persona que vive en una constante crisis de "y qué hago ahora" o con esa desazón contra la quietud, lo recomiendo mucho. me dejó con un pensamiento que no tenía en algunos aspectos y también 'me calmó' al darme cuenta que no soy la única en este hoyo de ansiedad.
muy buen libro. me sorprendí y agradecí incluso, la manera de relatar las cosas con historias reales tipo ensayos.
no sé qué tiene, pero este libro me encantó. la manera en la que se plantearon las cosas me resonaron mucho, y también las ansiedades que empiezan a aparecer cuando te das cuenta que ya eres un adulto no estereotipo que no está cumpliendo con cosas 'de la edad'.
me hizo pensar, me hizo razonar y también comentar. como persona que vive en una constante crisis de "y qué hago ahora" o con esa desazón contra la quietud, lo recomiendo mucho. me dejó con un pensamiento que no tenía en algunos aspectos y también 'me calmó' al darme cuenta que no soy la única en este hoyo de ansiedad.
muy buen libro. me sorprendí y agradecí incluso, la manera de relatar las cosas con historias reales tipo ensayos.
September 28, 2021
I wanted to like this book more than I did. I really liked Text Me When You Get Home, and was hoping for more of the same. I could relate on a very basic level to most of this book, and it’s always nice to hear “you’re not the only one!” or “we’re all figuring things out.” But I wanted her to say something more. I never had that moment of thinking “oh, yes, you hit the nail on the head, I’ve never heard someone express it quite that way before.” This felt more like a collection of anecdotes tied together with surface-level research into basic economic and sociological trends. All very validating, but I wish it had been a deeper dive.
September 20, 2021
Insightful and relatable. I appreciated this author’s perspective, as supported by a diverse array of 30-somethings all dealing with how they are choosing to lead their life v. what society (and family) consider “the right way” (aka: a traditional life). I wish I read this kind of thing when I was in my 20’s to better prepare me for a “non-traditional” reality in my 30’s!
Why’d I pick this? I forget, but it’s been on my list for ages
Why’d I pick this? I forget, but it’s been on my list for ages
February 16, 2022
3.5 stars - the sections that I liked I REALLY liked, but some of the early stuff didn't really land with me (partially because of where I'm at in my life, and partially because the context in NZ is so different when it comes to University, for example)
April 14, 2021
Every page of this book validates my 35 years on this earth.
June 30, 2021
Very interesting. Shows how much things have changed for people in their thirties, and how we can each create our own space that's right for us individually.
March 22, 2021
This book was fascinating. Basically reading everything about myself and my friends and screaming "yaaaasssss" the entire time. There's a huge shift in how thirtysomethings handle themselves from how similar ages did in the past. We're bucking expectations and not everyone is here for it. I loved reading the different persons throughout the book and following on their journey to adulthood. It's a bit more researchy feeling that I really prefer in books, but overall a good read. I still have "Text Me When You Get Home" on my bookshelf, and look forward to the read!
February 5, 2023
I enjoyed Schaefer’s book Text Me When You Get Home so I was excited to read this, but ultimately wanted to like it more than I did.
While the stories she told & people she interviewed were interesting, I wish it had been less anecdote-heavy and more research-based. It was comforting to hear stories about folks who don’t have it all figured out in their 30s, but some of them had me wondering if the people used as examples were out of place in a book supposedly about the changes in economic and societal norms preventing us from reaching traditional milestones. Not to be cold, but no I’m not surprised that the guy who spent his loan consolidation check on a massive shopping spree had to move back in with his parents. Idk it was a fine read, but I don’t ultimately feel like I really learned anything I didn’t already know.
While the stories she told & people she interviewed were interesting, I wish it had been less anecdote-heavy and more research-based. It was comforting to hear stories about folks who don’t have it all figured out in their 30s, but some of them had me wondering if the people used as examples were out of place in a book supposedly about the changes in economic and societal norms preventing us from reaching traditional milestones. Not to be cold, but no I’m not surprised that the guy who spent his loan consolidation check on a massive shopping spree had to move back in with his parents. Idk it was a fine read, but I don’t ultimately feel like I really learned anything I didn’t already know.
June 21, 2021
This was interesting, and essentially put into words things that I have already accepted about my life in terms of mapping onto (or, rather, not mapping onto) traditional benchmarks. It's nice to have outside validation and to see it's part of a larger trend/shift. I think for people who hold these values fairly close and give them a lot of weight, this book will be a comfort.
Schaefer does interview broadly (so, not just white women), I suppose, but not particularly deeply. It's hard to really dig into people's lives and choices in under 250 pages, I suppose. This also very much felt mostly applicable to the middle class, who would have believed in these benchmarks as their due, and are now struggling with where they're at in life.
Schaefer does interview broadly (so, not just white women), I suppose, but not particularly deeply. It's hard to really dig into people's lives and choices in under 250 pages, I suppose. This also very much felt mostly applicable to the middle class, who would have believed in these benchmarks as their due, and are now struggling with where they're at in life.
April 29, 2021
Ummm.... this book is trying to show how 30-something are defying stereotypes by reenforcing the stereotypes?
I am so confused...
this... wasn’t anything!
It was a collection of some personal stories and minor struggles on people’s way to try and live a socionormal and acceptable life while hating themselves all the way for not achieving the extremely mediocre life experiences they thoughts they’d have by the age they were at.
It could have been an online article or a blog entry. Calling it a book and attempting to apply it to an entire generation with some backhanded statistic was quite ambitious.
I am so confused...
this... wasn’t anything!
It was a collection of some personal stories and minor struggles on people’s way to try and live a socionormal and acceptable life while hating themselves all the way for not achieving the extremely mediocre life experiences they thoughts they’d have by the age they were at.
It could have been an online article or a blog entry. Calling it a book and attempting to apply it to an entire generation with some backhanded statistic was quite ambitious.
April 13, 2021
This either needed to be a deep dive into the societal challenges facing thirty-somethings navigating a flawed economic system or a character study following individuals facing those challenges. This book tries to tackle both, but sacrifices fluidity and narrative momentum in the process.
February 23, 2022
Depending on the reader, this book is a hit or miss. It will make you either extremely relieved or vaguely depressed.
March 12, 2021
This was a fascinating look at the "rebranding" of being 30-something. Recently there has been a shift both in societal expectations as well as researched-based information that is now looking at this stage of life in a much broader way. For many years, there were milestones that people were "expected" to read once they hit their 30s. These milestones would (unofficially) mark them as "successfully adulting".
So many old standards don't have any place in society today and I am always eager to see these changes in action. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to real certain milestones, but they no longer should feel like requirements and in many ways, they are harder to achieve now than ever before. 30-somethings in today's world have many other pressures that also make some of these goals much harder to reach than even 10/20 or 30 years ago, and this is even harder when you add in one's race, economic status, and more.
I loved the personal aspects that were tied into the narrative that made this not just feel like a textbook-style read. I tend to enjoy non-fiction books that take on the idea that none of us have this figured out, and most of us are just figuring life as we go and found this to be a very interesting book that so many millennial-aged readers will relate to.
Thank you to Dutton Books for my gifted copy in exchange for my honest review.
So many old standards don't have any place in society today and I am always eager to see these changes in action. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to real certain milestones, but they no longer should feel like requirements and in many ways, they are harder to achieve now than ever before. 30-somethings in today's world have many other pressures that also make some of these goals much harder to reach than even 10/20 or 30 years ago, and this is even harder when you add in one's race, economic status, and more.
I loved the personal aspects that were tied into the narrative that made this not just feel like a textbook-style read. I tend to enjoy non-fiction books that take on the idea that none of us have this figured out, and most of us are just figuring life as we go and found this to be a very interesting book that so many millennial-aged readers will relate to.
Thank you to Dutton Books for my gifted copy in exchange for my honest review.
November 30, 2022
I was excited about this book, as I enjoy reading about life periods (The Rocket Years was a personal favorite), but I think it might have been better left as an essay.
The introduction was promising, covering a wide range of experiences common to 30-somethings, but I ultimately found less value in the following chapters. Schaefer chose to organize her book into five categories that some sociologists argue define adulthood: completing school, leaving home, marrying, becoming financially independent, and having a child.
Besides the fact that I think some of these categories are a bit reductionist of the modern experience, I also found the storytelling excessive. I didn't need to know about the specific food this random 30-something ate while stuck in Paris for a "finding herself" moment. The writing is good, but completely outside the scope of what I thought this book would be about.
2.5 stars.
The introduction was promising, covering a wide range of experiences common to 30-somethings, but I ultimately found less value in the following chapters. Schaefer chose to organize her book into five categories that some sociologists argue define adulthood: completing school, leaving home, marrying, becoming financially independent, and having a child.
Besides the fact that I think some of these categories are a bit reductionist of the modern experience, I also found the storytelling excessive. I didn't need to know about the specific food this random 30-something ate while stuck in Paris for a "finding herself" moment. The writing is good, but completely outside the scope of what I thought this book would be about.
2.5 stars.
April 12, 2021
Picked this up on a whim - given that I am one of those thirtysomethings, the title sounded vaguely intriguing. I guess people who actually went through life thus far believing they have to reach certain "milestones" by the time they're in their thirties and somehow life hasn't worked out according to their perfect little plan might get something out of this - like knowing that life frequently doesn't work according to plan and mostly people figure out how to make something of it anyway. I couldn't really connect much to the troubles and anxieties plaguing the various people featured, but then I never did feel a need to impose that sort of "milestones to reach" nonsense on my life and am thus not stressing over anything of the sort.
May 18, 2021
As someone in their 30s, I found this extremely relatable. I find that our generation was brought up with an imaginary checklist that we needed to meet. When we did not meet the pieces on the checklist in the order in which they were meant to be achieved, there was something that caused me disappointment. I never really dissected why that was, but this book allowed me to put it in perspective. The last page was so moving and impactful, that I ended up reading it to several of my friends, also in their 30s. I recommend this book - it causes you to pause on your own life path and may in turn, allow for different branches along the path, which although not planned and part of the checklist, is still meaningful and needed. We just may not know it yet
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