The First Time He Hit Her: The shocking true story of the murder of Tara Costigan, the woman next door

by Heidi Lemon

For readers of true crime and books such as SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, a shocking and movingly told portrait of the murder of suburban mum Tara Costigan and an examination of why domestic violence affects us all
Tara Costigan was the woman next door. A hard worker. Quick to laugh and easy to like. She was happy, confident, strong. A woman who always looked after herself and her kids. Close with her family and her friends, she was much loved. Then, in 2013, she met Marcus Rappel. A local tradie, he was charming and sincere, they dated and fell in love. That should have been the end of a happy-ever-after story. But for Tara, it was much uglier. And for her family it would be devastating.
A year later, Tara was pregnant to Marcus. Her family had been worried for a while, but Tara didn't tell anyone how Marcus's jealousy was souring the relationship. She tried to keep it quiet. Despite everything, she never imagined he would be physically violent - he would never hurt her.
Tara was wrong. One fine day, the last day of summer in 2015, she was holding their newborn baby in her arms when he attacked her with an axe. Her murder seemed to come out of the blue. But as this extraordinary, often shocking book reveals, it did not.
THE FIRST TIME HE HIT HER is an attempt to understand why dozens of women are murdered each year by men who profess to love them.

Genres: True Crime, Nonfiction

244 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 30, 2020

Reviews

[Edgarr Alien Pooh · Rating 5 out of 5]

OK guys it's time to end this epidemic. Domestic violence against women has got to stop, it's not cool, heroic, manly or powerful. What it actually is is pathetic, cowardly and just plain wrong. here's a tip - JUST WALK AWAY!! And let's not leave it at that. If you see the red flags in your mates, hear the abuse or see something else then man up and intervene.

Above is not a quote from the book, it comes personally from me because I am sick of the cowardly shit where guys take it out on their partners and/or kids.

The First time He Hit Her is a fantastic book and such a great effort by Heidi Lemon as her first book. It is the story of Tara Costigan, the young Mother who was killed by her ex-partner in Canberra, Australia. The odd thing in this murder was actually the first time Marcus actually hit Tara it was with an axe that ended her life. Never had he before.

This book is a little different to many of the true crime books I have read before. One thing, that I really like, is that it doesn't get bogged down with the early years of Tara's life. This is not a biography of a standard suburban young Mother but the retelling of the brutal crime that ended her life. Therefore, the book deals with the relationship between Marcus and Tara and the issues in their relationship. The red flags ooze from the book as you flip through the pages but as we all know, it isn't always as easy to do something as it is to say it.

The second input to this book that I really felt added to the read was Heidi's personal experiences. Although they are far from as devastating as Tara's, her experience allowed her to understand some of the issues that lead to the murder.

Heidi's book is well written, so easy to read although there are a number of names revolving through it. The crime is horrendous, so calculated and cowardly. This book and the crime that it covers are what made me write the paragraph at the start of this review. As weird as it is to say about a book about a true murder, I can say I enjoyed this read and hope the author continues to write.

[Shelleyrae at Book'd Out · Rating 4 out of 5]

Twenty-eight-year-old Tara Costigan was one of 103 women who died violently as a result of family violence–related homicide* in Australia during 2015. The hardworking, loving, mother was holding her newborn daughter in her arms when her ex-partner swung an axe at her neck, her two young sons looking on in horror.

Author Heidi Lemon was shocked by the bare details of the murder reported in the news and made contact with Tara’s uncle, Michael Costigan, a few months later. She spent two and a half years writing The First Time He Hit Her in the hope of understanding the tragedy, and bringing awareness to the relationship between verbal abuse and intimate partner homicide.

“He’ll go ballistic,” [Tara] conceded, “but he won’t hurt me. He’s never hit me.”

Marcus Rappel had never posed a physical threat to Tara until that fateful day. In recent months Marcus had become paranoid, most likely due to anabolic steroid and Ice use, and grown increasingly emotionally and verbally abusive, berating her for hours over imagined infidelities and slights. Tara held on to the hope that the man she fell in love with would reappear until at eight months pregnant she could no longer endure Marcus’s behaviour and asked him to leave. Despite already being embroiled in a new relationship with an ex-girlfriend (the mother of his first child who was also now pregnant), Marcus continued to harass Tara. A few days after Tara gave birth to Ayla she successfully applied for a DVO, and on the day it was served Marcus used an axe to break down Tara’s front door.

During her own experience in a verbally abusive relationship, Lemon failed to recognise it as a form of domestic violence, because she never felt that she was physically at risk. She was shocked to learn during her research for this book that in an estimated quarter of cases of intimate partner homicide there had been no physical violence before the murder. It’s a startling find that contradicts our misconceptions about the danger emotional and verbal abusers pose to their victim.

“Control, then, is the link between all forms of abuse, including murder. The very same appetite for control lies beneath the invisible forms of violence and the single act of violence that will result in someone’s death.”

The First Time He Hit Her is a thought-provoking examination of domestic violence in Australia, a devastating tale of murder, and a moving portrait of a life taken too soon.

If you or someone you know (in Australia) has experienced any kind of abuse, sexual assault, domestic or family violence, please call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) or visit their website to chat online.

If you’re concerned about your own behaviour and would like support or information (in Australia), please call MensLine on 1300 78 99 78 or visit their website.


* https://www.saferresource.org.au/the_...

[Jo-Ann Duff · Rating 5 out of 5]

The story of Tara Costigan is tragically not a rare one. So far in 2020 according to Counting Dead Women, 28 Australian women have died at the hands of violence by July 2.

In Australia, one woman every week is killed by a current or former partner. One in three women and one in five men have experienced at least once incident of violence from a current or former partner since the age of 15.

How many of these statements have you heard your friends and family say over the years?

“It’s ok, he doesn’t hit me, he just loses it sometimes.”

“It’s because he loves me, he worries about me driving home, he wanted to make sure I was leaving on time.”

“I feel a bit uncomfortable, but he likes me to wear my hair this way …..”

“He cheated again, but I know he’s sorry this time, he says it’s because I’m….”

“Yeah, it got really bad, but he said it’s my fault, I wind him up”

“I pushed the chair up against the door so I could sleep, he wouldn’t do anything I know it, but I needed to sleep..”

“It’ll get better, I love him so much.”

I’ve heard all of these things. Some of these statements have come out of my own mouth over the years in different relationships. I thought the same as Tara, that things wouldn’t get ‘that bad’. I’m alive and she isn’t.

Heidi Lemon hasn’t produced a man-hating manifesto against men. Instead, Lemon is trying to make sense of this harrowing event and the disturbing effects left on Tara Costigan’s family and children. She is also trying to understand where it all went wrong for Marcus Rappel. You see, until the moment Marcus Rappel put an axe in the back of Tara Costigan, there were flickering moments where he knew he needed help, where he knew he was out of control. Visits to Drs, mental health support and frantic calls to his sister. It is this perspective which makes The First Time He Hit Her unique.

The First Time He Hit Her is a tough read, but one that needs to be read by all kinds of people. You see, when a woman’s life is taken by violence, there are also jagged rocks thrown at the already battered and broken family and friends involved.

There are those who carry the guilt for the perpetrator. Who tried so hard to get a brother, father, mother, uncle help which wasn’t enough. The sense of failure and shame was profoundly affecting to me. Some encouraged a separation, a rescue, a conversation, or text message, which on reflection adds to the spectre of impending darkness inching closer to take a life.

It’s a triggering read which I had to put down a few times to take a breather. I wanted so badly for the outcome to be different, as the timeline builds and the grim picture of what is come unfolds on the page, I wanted Tara to still be able to hug her boys and cradle her daughter.

Heidi Lemon interviews those who were affected by the murder of Tara Costigan on both sides of the fence with sensitivity and carefully considered journalism. Slowly teasing out the tiny moments, when which woven together, created a catastrophe.

Lemon has also taken the time to explore domestic violence. Just how many women are killed by a spouse or family member who had never exhibited physical abuse before? Why do some murders of women make the headlines and some not? Is the law there to keep vulnerable women safe, or are DVO’s a trigger, the lit touch paper of a violent episode?

However, real-life is really shit at times and can sometimes end in a shocking, yet all too common tragedy. The First Time He Hit Her is an amazing debut book and I know that this book and Tara will stay with Heidi Lemon forever.

[Jennifer (JC-S) · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘To write of a relationship that ends in murder is to latch onto the earliest moments of disharmony.’

Tara Costigan was twenty-eight years old when she was murdered in Canberra in February 2015. She was one of 103 Australian women who died because of family violence related homicide. Tara was holding her baby daughter when her former partner, Marcus Rappel, attacked her with an axe. Her two small sons were also present.

In this book, Heidi Lemon set out to understand the tragedy of Tara’s murder, and to try to find out why. From the headlines at the time of Tara’s murder (I remember them well, as a Canberra resident) it seemed as though there had been no hint that verbal abuse (which had lead Tara to obtain an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) the day before her murder) would lead to physical violence. It was also Ms Lemon’s own experience which led her to research Tara’s story:

‘It was my experience of emotional abuse – of being urged, time and time again, to believe how little I amounted to – that kindled my initial interest in Tara Costigan’s story.’

I did not know Tara Costigan, but she came alive to me as I read this book. A young dedicated mother, a hardworking young woman, strongly attached to family and friends. I realised, reading about the Costigan family, that I had known her father, Tony. We had worked together, had some shared taste in music, and I was saddened by his death. A slight connection, but it made Tara’s story seem more personal.

Domestic violence takes many forms. A relationship that started so happily foundered as Marcus Rappel’s jealousy came to the fore.

Over two and a half years Ms Lemon researched this story, meeting with members of the Costigan family, with Tara’s mother and with friends. She includes elements of her own experience as well, to demonstrate how widespread domestic violence is. Ms Lemon’s experience also underlines the point that definitions which focus only on physical violence can serve to blind victims to the danger they are in. Tara knew, when she took out the AVO, that Marcus would ‘go ballistic’. But she never thought that he would hurt her.

I finished the book wondering what (if anything) Tara Costigan could have done differently. I finished the book hoping that reading about Tara’s life and untimely death would help others to realise that control is a form of abuse and violence can take many forms.

Jennifer Cameron-Smith

[Briony Donald · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW. This book gave me goosebumps. Loved it. Heidi did a excellent job researching Tara and the lead up to her death. Heidi talked to alot of people involving Tara and what happened which was great. This book gives insight to a DV situation and that it isn't physical it can be verbal and mental too

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Testament to the recent societal understanding that to observe the presence of coercive control in an intimate relationship is to witness ‘a murder in slow motion’, THE FIRST TIME HE HIT HER is an exhaustive examination of the events that preceded the death of a young Australian mother in 2015. (I am hesitant to say ‘led up to the death’ as this removes the responsibility of humane choice away from Tara Costigan’s killer).

What is common once again from the stories of Tara’s family and friends is that none expected things to go so far, even though on the day of the murder itself some felt that Tara should not be alone. Tara Costigan had recently issued an Apprehended Violence Order against her former partner, the volcanic and controlling Marcus Rappel. Having just experienced two of the most vulnerable stages in a woman’s life (pregnancy and childbirth) Tara was also traversing through another extremely dangerous time – the days immediately after ending her relationship with a man.

There’s many, many viewpoints in this true crime examination as Tara Costigan was not a person in isolation. Tara came from a large family and had a solid circle of friends, though she had been distanced from many before her murder due to her increasingly turbulent domestic situation.

Author Heidi Lemon includes herself in her debut work THE FIRST TIME HE HIT HER so it is a much more personal read of Australia’s great shame. The author is cinematic in her descriptions of events both as she experiences them during the writing of this book and as she documents the accounts of everyone who now grieves for Tara Costigan. The visual placement is excellent, with all the pieces of the drama laid out in such a way that the reader is able to see how each family member had concerns, however fleeting, about the vulnerable Tara and her three children.

As a reviewer who consumes a lot of true crime stories both via books and digital content (audio books, streaming television, podcasts) I was in two minds about the deliberate choice of inclusions from the author’s own past. They do however serve to remind the reader that these experiences are not uncommon to Australian women. The horrendous scourge that is the prevalence of domestic violence in Australian society is not going to go away without major societal and legal re-forms.

THE FIRST TIME HE HIT HER as a complete work does much to inform the reader of how we need to re-define what is domestic violence. A hand does not need to be raised – the slow erosion of a person’s self by another is considered a crime in many European countries, and it is well overdue that such deterrents are introduced into the Australian judicial system. What-ifs are not entertained, more implied in THE FIRST TIME HE HIT HER and this serves to encourage its readers to question the relationships they might have witnessed or experienced in their own histories.

An accomplished and resolute debut, THE FIRST TIME HE HIT HER was written by first time Australian author Heidi Lemon.

[Bec · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful look behind the headlines at the tragic murder of Tara Costigan at the hands of her ex partner and father of the newborn she was holding in her arms.
Heidi's compassionate look at the background to the attack, even trying to understand what would make someone do that was done carefully and leaves you wondering would you be able to spot the sings of cohesive control and domestic violence if it wasn't physical?

[Katrina Rae · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this in two sittings. The writing style is simply beautiful and so easy to read. It draws you in deeper and deeper. I could not put the book down.
I am a survivor. My heart aches for Tara’s friends and family. No one deserves this.

[Maggie Davidson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Powerful book reminding us on the relationship between verbal abuse and domestic homicide. I was surprised how the author wrote, not only did she relay conversations she had with the people in Tara's life, but she used metaphysical examples to give readers an overall feel for how the conversations felt. The author was sympathetic to Tara's large family as well as her ex's family, which was a very kind. Addressing societies issues on domestic violence is very important and this book made sure, to share names of deceased women, who were unable to have a story written about them. Because although this book is about Tara Costigan, it relays to a much bigger issue of domestic violence in Australia.

[Annie Booker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely heart wrenching to read but by the end all you can think is there must be a way to stop this happening. It's a wonderfully well written book, intense as it is. Marcus Rappel, the person who murdered Tara Costigan, is a narcissist. He can claim that he was angry because Tara threatened to keep his child from him (she didn't) but really what it comes down to is that he sees his children as nothing more than his possessions. He's a monster and deserves to stay where he is for a very long time.

[Norrie Sanders · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many true crime books are about unsolved crimes or miscarriages of justice, where the author has a complex and confusing stream of information to synthesize. Tara Costigan’s horrific murder was unambiguous. The murder was witnessed; the murderer pled guilty and was incarcerated after trial. So how to make that into a compelling read?
“The First Time He Hit Her” is a story of people, abuse, justice and family. A family that has paid an enormous price for a few seconds of violence. Heidi Lemon has crafted a fine volume that befits the family’s faith in her. It is a book that deserves to be read.
Read the full review at:
https://queenslandreviewerscollective...

[kimm_ii · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wasn't absolutely hooked on the writing of this tragic story. To be honest I found myself more intrigued about the author's personal experience with domestic violence. But I guess it is really difficult to recount a story when the victim has sadly passed away. And at the end of the day it's about getting people to talk about the issues surrounding domestic violence & making sure that talk is turned into action.

Rhiley's letter to his mother, Tara, after her passing, was heart breaking to read. A lump quickly grew in my throat, whilst tears started to well in my eyes. The final moments of Tara's life will be forever etched into her children's memories. An absolutely devastating story of an all too common domestic violent relationship. May you be resting in peace Tara.

[Rosie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely devastating and well written. Lemon has left pretty much no stone unturned in her interviews and the resulting narrative captures what is sadly not a rare deterioration of a relationship into a cycle of abuse. What happened to her wasn’t unique, which makes it even more horrible to imagine.

I had to put this down a few times to cry (especially in the parts about the children and the trial) and so I would not recommend this to anybody who struggles with this sort of thing or victims of familial abuse.

[Vivi Widodo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well done Heidi Lemon for her first book.
She did thoroughly research interviewing all family members of Tara Costigan and Marcus Rappel. Marcus murdered Tara with an axe after Tara placed DVO for him. This real story of DV gives me goosebumps - this is Marcus's first time being physical with Tara and unfortunately taken her life too while she's holding her a week baby, Ayla. It's a reminder to all women to also take seriously of verbal abuse.

[Maggie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was horrific yet easy to see the red flags in retrospect The damage one violent man can do to a young mother breastfeeding her newborn and the lifetime damage that inflicts on her two sons who witnessed it cannot be measured Moreover the ripple effects travel throughout the community and touch everyone both those close and far from the victim
This is such a worthwhile read I highly recommend it

[Sarah Lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an incredibly difficult book to read but an important one - we need to talk more about emotional abuse when we speak about violence against women. Thank you Heidi for sharing Tara’s story, the Costigan’s story and your own too. Rest peacefully Tara and all the other women and children we have lost to family violence 💖

[Tahlia Manfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Devastating, raw and incredibly well written and narrated on the audio book. I couldn’t stop thinking about this book. It is heartbreaking that more than 9 years after Tara’s death we as a nation are still having these exact same discussions about men’s violence against women. We need change now!
I hope her children and find some level of peace one day soon.

[Serina Bird · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was engrossed in reading this book. It is so sensitively and beautifully written. Yes, the story is shocking. I thought I would be affected by this (and I was). But it was a story I needed to read.

[squeak2712 · Rating 1 out of 5]

I find any true crime book interesting, I really wanted to like this one but the writing style annoyed me.
I find it difficult to send a book to the DNF pile but I just couldn’t get past the writing.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellently written. Heartbreaking at times but well researched book. Had me hooked from the outset.

[Beth M · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read, informative and gives you insight into the early warning signs of domestic violence. RIP beautiful Tara

[Kay Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a powerful story exceptionally well written.

[Ali Bush · Rating 4 out of 5]

Peoples lives can change in under a second. Domestic violence has caused so much destruction

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook. A little slow, beautiful In parts

[Jade · Rating 4 out of 5]

not completely my taste but still true story and okey one =) well, topic is lil harsh but 4 only for ending part that i did not fully followed :/.

[Bex · Rating 3 out of 5]

Obviously a very important topic, but the writing style wasn't always the best way for this story to be told.
Made me so frustrated and angry that this kind of thing happens at all, let alone a lot.

[beccy✨ (chaptersandchaicookies) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book... hurt my heart. What a tragically beautiful recount of Taras life, death and the fate of her murderer. This book is filled with heavy content and scary statistics about the hidden killer of domestic violence who hides behind their words until it is too late. The aspect of the author speaking from her own personal experience and survival helped make this book relatable and identifying to people who are in or have been in similar situations. A solemn and awakening read.

[Sandy Saunders · Rating 4 out of 5]

Exceptional book and highly recommended.