I Have a Bream

by John O'Farrell

Isn’t it always the way? You wait ages for one purple flour-filled condom and then three come along at once. Of course the correct procedure for a chemical attack in the House of Commons would have been for MPs to remain in the chamber and remove all items of clothing. I’m not sure which is the more horrific anthrax all over London or Nicholas Soames slipping out of his Y-fronts while chatting to a naked Ann Widdecombe.

Here at last is the third and final collection of Guardian columns from John O’Farrell, award-winning comedy writer and compulsive liar. In this eye-watering journey from innocence to revelation, he discovers that Margaret Thatcher is actually his mother.

Contained within these covers are a hundred funny, satirical essays on subjects as diverse as Man’s ascent from the apes and the re-election of George W. Bush. Plus there is a full account of O’Farrell’s heroic but doomed attempt to capture his Tory home town for socialism. Maidenhead has never been the same since.

He also makes a number of preposterous claims, including that identity fraud has got so bad that an audacious impostor using the name A. L. Blair even managed to get himself a Labour Party card by posing as a left-wing champion of wealth distribution and civil rights. He asks why a Blackberry isn’t compatible with an Apple. And finds out why the Queen didn’t go to her own son’s ‘What happened to that other girl you were seeing?’ ‘Mother, we got divorced and then she died in a car crash, remember?’ ‘Well, sometimes you have to work at these things, dear . . .’

Genres: Humor, Comedy, Nonfiction

304 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

John O'Farrell is the author of four novels: The Man Who Forgot His Wife, May Contain Nuts, This Is Your Life and The Best a Man Can Get. His novels have been translated into over twenty languages and have been adapted for radio and television. He has also written two best-selling history books: An Utterly Impartial History of Britain and An Utterly Exasperated History of Modern Britain, as well as a political memoir, Things Can Only Get Better and three collections of his column in The Guardian. A former comedy scriptwriter for such productions as Spitting Image, Room 101, Murder Most Horrid and Chicken Run, he is founder of the satirical website NewsBiscuit and can occasionally be spotted on such TV programmes as Grumpy Old Men, Question Time and Have I Got News for You.

Reviews

[Xanthi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very funny but be warned - if you are not British, some of the topics and people the author writes about might be a bit as much of a mystery to you, as they were for me.

[Ian Wood · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘I Have a Bream’ is the third collection of John O’Farrell’s Guardian columns following on from ‘Global Village Idiot’ and ‘I Blame the Scapegoats’ and as before O’Farrell continues to make fun of politicians and current affairs is the same vein as he mined as the principle writer of ‘Spitting Image’ and ‘Have I Got News For You’.

As ever O’Farrell hits the target every time weather comparing Tony Blair’s assent to the head of the Labour Party with identity fraud or rewriting evolution from man’s evolving from the ape’s to going full circle with the re-election of George W. Bush.

O’Farrell has now stopped writing his Guardian column but these books stand as an alternative chronicle of Tony Blair’s premiership. John O’Farrell, like a purple flour filled condom, hits the spot.

[Nick Davies · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have enjoyed several of John O'Farrell's contemporary 'bloke-lit' novels, but this non-fictional collection of columns he wrote for 'The Guardian' newspaper in the early 2000s failed to hold my interest and provide the same enjoyment. Unsurprisingly considering the political leanings of the paper in which these were originally published, there was a lot of well-meaning lefty tripe which might've been more convincing had it been delivered in a less smug cliché-ridden manner, and I just got sick of the politicising of every subject. Some of it was witty and clever, but most of it was not, and I actually find some of his middle-class socialism somewhat smug and hypocritical.

[Snoakes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've finally got round to finishing this. It's a collection of newspaper columns, so it's more suited to reading in chunks than devouring in one sitting. As usual, John O'Farrell makes you smile as he reflects on the absurdities of life. Obviously it's a bit out of date - at the time of writing the columns are ten years old, but footnotes put it in context.If you are a bit of a leftie, and will happily watch endless reruns of Mock the Week on Dave then you will find this entertaining - I certainly did. Plus I only paid 24p for it in a bookshop sale - bargain!

[Anita · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this having really enjoyed 'An Utterly Impartial History of Britain'. This book is not nearly as comprehenshive, but is made up of short musings on news and politics, all told with plenty of wit, sarcasm and satire. I enjoy John O'Farrell's sense of humour and for me this was a fun read.

[Marte · Rating 3 out of 5]

A selection of funny Guardian columns, this was a quick and easy read. Books like these tend to date a bit, but a lot of the pieces were still funny and relevant.