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سندروم آهنربای انسانی
چرا عاشق کسانی میشویم که آزارمان میدهند
اغلب وقتی رابطهای را شروع میکنیم، قلبمان از عشق و هیجان لبریز است، حس میکنیم سرانجام «یار جانی» خود را یافتهایم و تصمیماتمان در گرو احساسات است. اما چرا پس از مدتی درمییابیم شیفتۀ انسانی شدهایم که به نظر بسیار خودشیفته و مغرور است و آن هیجان اولیۀ رابطه تبدیل به سوهانی میشود که با هر حرکت روحمان را میخراشد؟ پاسخ این سؤال کشش آهنربایی است. حتماً برای بسیاری پیش آمده است که در روابطشان، علیرغم ازخودگذشتگی و مهربانی، دائم احساس میکنند طرد شدهاند، از آنان قدردانی نمیشود و بخشندگی آنها ارزشمند تلقی نمیشود. خوانندۀ کتاب سندروم آهنربای انسانی با پدیدهای آشنا میشود که سبب جذب افراد ازخودگذشته، صبور و بخشنده به افراد خودمحور، خودپسند و کنترلگر میشود. مفهوم آهنربای انسانی این فرایند جذب را به تفصیل به بحث و بررسی میگذارد
اغلب وقتی رابطهای را شروع میکنیم، قلبمان از عشق و هیجان لبریز است، حس میکنیم سرانجام «یار جانی» خود را یافتهایم و تصمیماتمان در گرو احساسات است. اما چرا پس از مدتی درمییابیم شیفتۀ انسانی شدهایم که به نظر بسیار خودشیفته و مغرور است و آن هیجان اولیۀ رابطه تبدیل به سوهانی میشود که با هر حرکت روحمان را میخراشد؟ پاسخ این سؤال کشش آهنربایی است. حتماً برای بسیاری پیش آمده است که در روابطشان، علیرغم ازخودگذشتگی و مهربانی، دائم احساس میکنند طرد شدهاند، از آنان قدردانی نمیشود و بخشندگی آنها ارزشمند تلقی نمیشود. خوانندۀ کتاب سندروم آهنربای انسانی با پدیدهای آشنا میشود که سبب جذب افراد ازخودگذشته، صبور و بخشنده به افراد خودمحور، خودپسند و کنترلگر میشود. مفهوم آهنربای انسانی این فرایند جذب را به تفصیل به بحث و بررسی میگذارد
244 pages, Paperback
First published March 31, 2013
896 people are currently reading
4123 people want to read
About the author
Ross Rosenberg
5 books89 followersRoss Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program" provides innovative and results-oriented treatment.
His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 23 million YouTube video views and 250K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books have sold over 155K copies in 12 languages.
Ross Rosenberg is Self-Love Recovery Institute's primary trainer and consummate mental health educator. His advanced education, advanced clinical certifications, and more than 35 years of professional work experience enable him to create, produce and provide compelling and life-changing seminars. Ross's seminars simultaneously resonate with the layperson and professional. He also provides expert testimony/witness services.
Ross is also an accomplished international professional trainer and keynote speaker, working in 30 US states (70 cities) and abroad. His seminars are like no other, as they are as entertaining as they are informative. His sense of humor and personal vulnerability disclosures of his own recovery journey adds a sense of integrity to his work. He interacts with the audience from his heart and his mind. He is as much a psychotherapist and professional educator, as he is a fellow traveler on the path of personal, relational, and emotional recovery.
He designs his educational video and audio seminars to have maximum impact on all individuals, regardless of their education level or professional standing. Professional audiences consistently give Ross's seminars high marks, as the information often applies to their job/clinical practice, as well as to their understanding of their own mental health.
Ross’s latest “Codependency Cure™” work, like The Human Magnet Syndrome, breaks new ground in the mental health field. This groundbreaking work reformulates, redefines, and ultimately renames “codependency” to “Self-Love Deficit Disorder™." His original theories and concepts, such as the “Relationship Compatibility Theory,” “The 11 Stage Self-Love Recovery Treatment Program,” “The Observe Don’t Absorb Technique,” and many others, have reshaped what we know about codependency, codependency recovery, narcissism, dysfunctional relationships, and narcissistic abuse.
His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 23 million YouTube video views and 250K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books have sold over 155K copies in 12 languages.
Ross Rosenberg is Self-Love Recovery Institute's primary trainer and consummate mental health educator. His advanced education, advanced clinical certifications, and more than 35 years of professional work experience enable him to create, produce and provide compelling and life-changing seminars. Ross's seminars simultaneously resonate with the layperson and professional. He also provides expert testimony/witness services.
Ross is also an accomplished international professional trainer and keynote speaker, working in 30 US states (70 cities) and abroad. His seminars are like no other, as they are as entertaining as they are informative. His sense of humor and personal vulnerability disclosures of his own recovery journey adds a sense of integrity to his work. He interacts with the audience from his heart and his mind. He is as much a psychotherapist and professional educator, as he is a fellow traveler on the path of personal, relational, and emotional recovery.
He designs his educational video and audio seminars to have maximum impact on all individuals, regardless of their education level or professional standing. Professional audiences consistently give Ross's seminars high marks, as the information often applies to their job/clinical practice, as well as to their understanding of their own mental health.
Ross’s latest “Codependency Cure™” work, like The Human Magnet Syndrome, breaks new ground in the mental health field. This groundbreaking work reformulates, redefines, and ultimately renames “codependency” to “Self-Love Deficit Disorder™." His original theories and concepts, such as the “Relationship Compatibility Theory,” “The 11 Stage Self-Love Recovery Treatment Program,” “The Observe Don’t Absorb Technique,” and many others, have reshaped what we know about codependency, codependency recovery, narcissism, dysfunctional relationships, and narcissistic abuse.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 186 reviews
August 11, 2016
Started off quite rough for me, but I'm not a fan of the typical American non-fiction style, which starts off with a long-winded me me me, rife with mentions of beloved kids and dogs for whom I careth not a fig. Then the author explained the relationship between codependents and emotional manipulators as a "dance", but not before almost an entire chapter dedicated to what metaphors were and why they were useful, and repeated mentions of how well received the essay was by peers/ seminars. Lol dude I'll be the judge!! (Quite liked it ahaha)
But I'm reading this as part of my research for a story, and I'm not the target audience, so I don't review the book as such. The target audience, I imagine, is fragile person who has recently been in/ is currently suffering a dysfunctional relationship and is looking for clarity, and for them, this is perfect. What follows the introduction are short, straightforward chapters explaining complicated psychologies clearly. There is also a repetition that I soon realised was deliberate, such that a single reading of this book almost guarantees absorption of all its contents and makes sure the reader is never lost.
If for whatever reason you think this book is for you, I can highly recommend it.
But I'm reading this as part of my research for a story, and I'm not the target audience, so I don't review the book as such. The target audience, I imagine, is fragile person who has recently been in/ is currently suffering a dysfunctional relationship and is looking for clarity, and for them, this is perfect. What follows the introduction are short, straightforward chapters explaining complicated psychologies clearly. There is also a repetition that I soon realised was deliberate, such that a single reading of this book almost guarantees absorption of all its contents and makes sure the reader is never lost.
If for whatever reason you think this book is for you, I can highly recommend it.
January 8, 2023
Illuminating. Not as repetitive as others have said, but my chief complaint is he harps on narcissists/codependents creating children that are the same, and only at the end allows that there can be other failures of parenting (or the absence thereof) that can cause codependency or narcissism. I also did not find helpful the description of all the other disorders he lumps under narcissism for the purposes of the book (e.g. anti-social personality disorder, BPD, etc.), but perhaps that is because i don't know anyone with those disorders, and in any case the end result in terms of relationships is essentially the same...
His relationship-orientation continuum made sense and i think is helpful. He references a lot of others' work that may also be helpful/further reading. Also helpful is thinking of codependency as an addiction - it explains in some way the pain of withdrawal, and gives hope that it is not without end. Finally, he explains very well how codependents and narcissists are both equally broken (similarly, but with a different presentation) and hence why they find each other so irresistible, why their relationships initially seem so promising and fulfilling...
I obviously came upon this book for personal reasons, and it explained a lot about how and why i feel and react to things the way i do. Honestly, it made me admit to myself things i probably would never have admitted otherwise, not consciously anyway.
Narcissism is a great tragedy. How much potential has been wasted, how many lives ruined? For 'my' narcissist (and the reason i found this book): I am so angry at his family for failing him so badly and stealing both his childhood and any real chance of happiness from him. They are not, i think, themselves narcissists but they failed him in so many profound ways, and consequently he is so profoundly miserable, with so much shame and self-hate... There is hope for my recovery but much less hope for his. It is so unfair.
Oh yeah Rosenberg has a website: https://www.selfloverecovery.com/page...
As well as humanmagnetsyndrome.com (or something like that).
If you also suffer: good luck on your recovery and i understand your pain. I hope i can recover, too.
His relationship-orientation continuum made sense and i think is helpful. He references a lot of others' work that may also be helpful/further reading. Also helpful is thinking of codependency as an addiction - it explains in some way the pain of withdrawal, and gives hope that it is not without end. Finally, he explains very well how codependents and narcissists are both equally broken (similarly, but with a different presentation) and hence why they find each other so irresistible, why their relationships initially seem so promising and fulfilling...
I obviously came upon this book for personal reasons, and it explained a lot about how and why i feel and react to things the way i do. Honestly, it made me admit to myself things i probably would never have admitted otherwise, not consciously anyway.
Narcissism is a great tragedy. How much potential has been wasted, how many lives ruined? For 'my' narcissist (and the reason i found this book): I am so angry at his family for failing him so badly and stealing both his childhood and any real chance of happiness from him. They are not, i think, themselves narcissists but they failed him in so many profound ways, and consequently he is so profoundly miserable, with so much shame and self-hate... There is hope for my recovery but much less hope for his. It is so unfair.
Oh yeah Rosenberg has a website: https://www.selfloverecovery.com/page...
As well as humanmagnetsyndrome.com (or something like that).
If you also suffer: good luck on your recovery and i understand your pain. I hope i can recover, too.
March 25, 2014
I wish I'd had this book many years ago. It could have helped me recognize patterns and avoid a lot of hurt and heartbreak. This book is a very good study of narcissists, co-dependents and how they relate to each other. I recommend this to anyone who has had relationship problems; you might see some familiar patterns
November 2, 2013
If you keep finding yourself falling in love with people who are needy, drama queens, emotionally unavailable or just plain jerks, this book is for you.
July 10, 2019
Abandoned on page 45 because the author places addiction and Borderline Personality Disorder in the same category as Narcissistic and Antisocial Personality Disorder which, according to most major schools of psychiatry and the current psychiatric bible the DSM 5 is incorrect. This caused me to look up Ross Rosenberg’s qualifications for making such an assertion, and it turns out he is not qualified to diagnose anyone, because he has a Masters in Education and not a doctorate in medicine/psychiatry. Which is a shame, because his YouTube videos on how to deal with clinical narcissists are spot on.
I wish I knew what happened here, because this is so very different from the Ross Rosenberg of YouTube. This reads much less professional and more like the memoir of the lonely, traumatized child he once was. My heart goes out to that child, but even though I can feel his pain burning through the pages, this doesn’t sit right with me. Borderline personality disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder both include manipulation of others, but only narcissism lacks empathy. That’s a very big differentiating factor. Sorry Ross. Given the glowing biography on the book jacket which describes him as a psychotherapist of 30 years and an expert in narcissism and trauma, I feel Mr Rosenberg should know the difference. I feel a little manipulated here.
I wish I knew what happened here, because this is so very different from the Ross Rosenberg of YouTube. This reads much less professional and more like the memoir of the lonely, traumatized child he once was. My heart goes out to that child, but even though I can feel his pain burning through the pages, this doesn’t sit right with me. Borderline personality disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder both include manipulation of others, but only narcissism lacks empathy. That’s a very big differentiating factor. Sorry Ross. Given the glowing biography on the book jacket which describes him as a psychotherapist of 30 years and an expert in narcissism and trauma, I feel Mr Rosenberg should know the difference. I feel a little manipulated here.
September 26, 2014
Very helpful. I would say perhaps it would be useful also to read the theory of attachment . Perhaps deep understanding of different styles of attachment ( avoidant, anxious..) can also help us in building stronger and healthier relationship with others. What someone calls an emotional manipulator, someone else may call a person with an avoidant attachment style. A man or a woman who has experienced childhood anxieties in the hands of a perfectionist hyper critical parent for example, might develop an avoidant attachment style. They simply use all different emotional techniques such as withdrawal and hyper negative focus to create a barrier and distance between themselves and the person with whom intimacy is developing. Should we categorise them as narcissistic? With a core ball of shame or an avoidant with a core ball of mistrust and fear? Perhaps that's the beauty of human mind. There is never a definite answer.
March 15, 2015
On a professional and personal level, I gave this 4 stars. There were a handful of parts I could pick apart (the missed grammatical and spelling get edits; the discussion of anti_social personality disorder vs psychopath), but the book does a great job of describing personality disorders, dysfunctional relationships, and how we are drawn to others. The scale created to show how people are attracted to one another and how self-centered vs other centered was a creative addition that I will probably find myself using for conceptualizing in the future. My biggest issue with the book is a lack of concrete direction for those who identify themselves on either end of the continuum. The conclusions appeared to be: if you're emotionally co-dependent, get a good therapist; if you're a narcissist you're probably not reading this anyway, but in the event you are, get a therapist, but know you're probably effed.
March 19, 2021
سندرم آهن رباي انساني با عنوان: چرا عاشق كساني ميشويم كه آزارمان ميدهند؟
يك اثر در مورد روابط عاطفي از يك روانشناس باليني است كه خود نيز تجربه هاي مشابهي داشته است.
مثال ملموس اين اثر كه بارها بدان اشاره شده است مقايسه " سبك هاي رقص " با تيپ هاي شخصيتي هست.
"رقصندگان ناكارآمدي كه به خوبي با هم تطبيق پيدا كرده اند و شكوهمندانه روي پيست ميرقصند، چون ميتوانند به طور غريزي حركات يكديگر را از قبل پيش بيني كنند، هر كدام از رقصنده ها نقش خود را ميدانند؛ سلطه جو هميشه رقص را هدايت و كنترل ميكند، در حاليكه هم وابسته تسليم است و پيروي ميكند، سازگاري ناكارآمد نيروي اصلي محركه اين رقص دو نفره پر تحرك است." (صفحه٢٩)
دو گروه هم وابسته هاو سلطه جويان و انواع اختلال هاي شخصيتي در اين كتاب تشريح شده به ويژگي هاي هر كدام براي بقاي رابطه اشاره شده است. فرار از تنهايي يا زندگي بدون شريك عاطفي موجب ثبات روابط ناكارآمد ميشود.
هرچه يكي از طرفين سالمتر شده و رشد رواني بيشتري داشته باشد، دوام رابطه بدون تغيير طرف مقابل ممكن نخواهد بود.
مطالعه اين اثر در مورد روابط عاطفي ديد تازه اي به خواننده داده و وي را به سوي تصميم هاي درست تر راهنمايي ميكند.
July 6, 2014
This book is life changing. I didn't even know what a codependent relationship was until I picked up this book. Dr. Rosenberg explains what codependency is as well as narcissism, which is the meat of the book. He also talks about borderline personality disorder and a little bit about his own journey. He explores the origins of what makes a person a codepdent or what makes a person a narcissist, and how the two balance each other out in a dysfunctional way in a relationship. The book is very insightful, especially in the psychology field. It helped me see my own struggles more clearly. I would recommend this book to those who are givers or those who sacrifice their needs and/or happiness for others. It will help you understand the pattern you may be in. It did for me!
November 28, 2020
چرا عاشق کسانی می شویم که آزارمان می دهند؟
سندروم آهن ربای انسانی از روابطی حرف میزند که با همه ی بادوام بودنشان اما با کیفیت نیستند. ماندگاری یک رابطه همیشه از عشق سرچشمه نمی گیرد گاهی از نیاز یا ترس صرف سرچشمه میگیرد.
نظریۀ اصلی این کتاب این است که هم وابسته ها و سلطه جویان عاطفی به واسطه شخصیت های ناکارآمد متضاد ولی کاملاً سازگار خود، به طور طبیعی جذب یکدیگر می شوند، هم وابسته ها در روابطشان به طرز بیمارگونه ای به برآورده کردن،نیازهای دیگران گرایش دارند، درحالی که نیازهای خودشان را کم اهمیت جلوه می دهند یا نادیده می گیرند. سلطه جویان عاطفی به طرز بیمارگونه ای به برآورده کردن نیازهای خودشان گرایش دارند و نیازهای دیگران را نادیده می گیرند. از آنجایی که هم وابسته ها به دنبال برآورده کردن نیازهای دیگران و سلطه جویان به دنبال برآورده شدن نیازهای خود هستن، این دو دسته شرکای کاملا سازگاری برای هم اند.
با وجود سازگار بودن و مکمل بودن این دو شریک اما وجود و همراهیشان با هم چیزی جز زیان ندارد. اگر در هر رابطه ای ما نیازمند دو فرد و دو شخص هستیم، هم وابسته ها و سلطه جویان همانند دو نیمه هستند که هم را کامل می کنند(مکمل) و یک شخص را در رابطه به وجود میاورند نه دو شخصی که ما به آن نیاز داریم.
هم وابسته ها و سلطه جویان هردو نقش اساسی را در این کتاب ایفا می کنند. تعریف کلی و بازگو کردن بخشی از ویژگی های آنها باعث می شود مخاطب نگاهی عمیق به خود بیاندازد و گاهی بعضی از ویژگی ها را درون خود جست و جو کند.
حتی اگر خود شما هم در این دو دسته قرار نگیرید یا تجربه چنین رابطه ای را نداشته باشید، احتمالا شاهد یک رابطه از این نوع در نزدیکانتان بوده اید. رابطه ای که بر پایه ی نیاز و وابستگی یا حتی ترس پیش می رود و هیچ ارزشی ندارد.
نکته ای که در این بین وجود دارد این است که تمرکز اصلی کتاب روی تشریح این دو لغت-هم وابسته ها، سلطه جویان- است و علت ناکارآمدی بعضی از روابط. اما حرفی از درمان در این کتاب زده نمی شود بلکه صرفا تمرکز بر این است که این روابط نباید ادامه دار باشند.
گاهی برخی از قسمت های کتاب به نظر تکرار مکررات می آید و لزومی به تکرارش نبوده است.
ترجمه ی کتاب خوب و ویراستاری کتاب بسیار تمیز انجام شده است.
در آخر کتاب را به تمام کسانی که قصد دارند وارد رابطه بشوند یا وارد رابطه هستند، کسانی کخ فکر می کنند در یک چرخه از روابط نامطلوب گیر افتاده اند پیشنهاد می کنم.
سندروم آهن ربای انسانی از روابطی حرف میزند که با همه ی بادوام بودنشان اما با کیفیت نیستند. ماندگاری یک رابطه همیشه از عشق سرچشمه نمی گیرد گاهی از نیاز یا ترس صرف سرچشمه میگیرد.
نظریۀ اصلی این کتاب این است که هم وابسته ها و سلطه جویان عاطفی به واسطه شخصیت های ناکارآمد متضاد ولی کاملاً سازگار خود، به طور طبیعی جذب یکدیگر می شوند، هم وابسته ها در روابطشان به طرز بیمارگونه ای به برآورده کردن،نیازهای دیگران گرایش دارند، درحالی که نیازهای خودشان را کم اهمیت جلوه می دهند یا نادیده می گیرند. سلطه جویان عاطفی به طرز بیمارگونه ای به برآورده کردن نیازهای خودشان گرایش دارند و نیازهای دیگران را نادیده می گیرند. از آنجایی که هم وابسته ها به دنبال برآورده کردن نیازهای دیگران و سلطه جویان به دنبال برآورده شدن نیازهای خود هستن، این دو دسته شرکای کاملا سازگاری برای هم اند.
با وجود سازگار بودن و مکمل بودن این دو شریک اما وجود و همراهیشان با هم چیزی جز زیان ندارد. اگر در هر رابطه ای ما نیازمند دو فرد و دو شخص هستیم، هم وابسته ها و سلطه جویان همانند دو نیمه هستند که هم را کامل می کنند(مکمل) و یک شخص را در رابطه به وجود میاورند نه دو شخصی که ما به آن نیاز داریم.
هم وابسته ها و سلطه جویان هردو نقش اساسی را در این کتاب ایفا می کنند. تعریف کلی و بازگو کردن بخشی از ویژگی های آنها باعث می شود مخاطب نگاهی عمیق به خود بیاندازد و گاهی بعضی از ویژگی ها را درون خود جست و جو کند.
حتی اگر خود شما هم در این دو دسته قرار نگیرید یا تجربه چنین رابطه ای را نداشته باشید، احتمالا شاهد یک رابطه از این نوع در نزدیکانتان بوده اید. رابطه ای که بر پایه ی نیاز و وابستگی یا حتی ترس پیش می رود و هیچ ارزشی ندارد.
نکته ای که در این بین وجود دارد این است که تمرکز اصلی کتاب روی تشریح این دو لغت-هم وابسته ها، سلطه جویان- است و علت ناکارآمدی بعضی از روابط. اما حرفی از درمان در این کتاب زده نمی شود بلکه صرفا تمرکز بر این است که این روابط نباید ادامه دار باشند.
گاهی برخی از قسمت های کتاب به نظر تکرار مکررات می آید و لزومی به تکرارش نبوده است.
ترجمه ی کتاب خوب و ویراستاری کتاب بسیار تمیز انجام شده است.
در آخر کتاب را به تمام کسانی که قصد دارند وارد رابطه بشوند یا وارد رابطه هستند، کسانی کخ فکر می کنند در یک چرخه از روابط نامطلوب گیر افتاده اند پیشنهاد می کنم.
September 21, 2017
This is about as enlightening as a grade school psychology course and wrought with reductionist/generalization mindset. Thank God for more evolved therapists. The author states the obvious that there is a destructive dance between two sick and wounded people, but he casts codependents in the innocent victim role whilst painting their partners as manipulative and incapable of empathy, insight or willingness to take accountability for their part. Where the author falls short is in attributing these character traits to alcoholics and those with Borderline Personality Disorder and placing these individuals in the same category as sociopaths and narcissists. We need only look to 12 step recovery which is a program born out of alcoholic suffering to see that recovery is possible, and we need only look to DBT (which was created by a person with BPD) to see that these individuals are in fact not only capable of empathy and accountability, but that they have paved the way for codependents to heal. Manipulation is not a diagnostic criteria in those with BPD, however the author takes his limited knowledge of this disorder to perpetuate the stigma surrounding it. The chart the author invented is also flimsy at best as most of his research appears to be. It seems the author took a generalized theory and rushed to brag about it, without any real solid fact-based foundation, whilst using this book to enlighten the world to his own personal, albeit biased and subjective experiences.
November 20, 2019
The author, a psychotherapist who specializes in working with people with personality disorders, spent the first 40 minutes of his book in what I can only describe as extreme narcissistic behavior: telling the reader how much he knows and how much he understands and how many people he’s helped and how many people’s lives he’s changed because he came up with an analogy of dancing partners on the personality disorder spectrum.
He references (maybe) three actual people in the entire book, but tells no stories, lots of words, lots of telling and talking at the reader.
As the book progressed I struggled to hear him give clinical explanations of the ten-point spectrum scale and drone on and on about the foregone conclusion that narcissists breed narcissists and that any child of a narcissist will absolutely become one, herself. After a good 45 minutes on this he said, Is it possible that the second parent, say a single mother, could offset the ill effects of the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) parent through her love and attention to the child? We don’t have time to address that in this book. And then it was the next chapter!!!
His research and references are outdated and he provides no solutions to all his doom and gloom portrayal of being both on the spectrum and/or being in a relationship with someone who is. According to this author, you’re basically f*cked.
He references (maybe) three actual people in the entire book, but tells no stories, lots of words, lots of telling and talking at the reader.
As the book progressed I struggled to hear him give clinical explanations of the ten-point spectrum scale and drone on and on about the foregone conclusion that narcissists breed narcissists and that any child of a narcissist will absolutely become one, herself. After a good 45 minutes on this he said, Is it possible that the second parent, say a single mother, could offset the ill effects of the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) parent through her love and attention to the child? We don’t have time to address that in this book. And then it was the next chapter!!!
His research and references are outdated and he provides no solutions to all his doom and gloom portrayal of being both on the spectrum and/or being in a relationship with someone who is. According to this author, you’re basically f*cked.
August 18, 2018
I'm updating my review after Ross Rosenberg has released a major overhaul and update to this book. I listened to it on Audible and wanted to offer my thoughts.
I highly recommend this book to empaths, highly sensitive people, and other lovers/healers out there who tend to attract "damaged" or domineering relationship partners.
Ross has created such a useful tool for understanding the empath/codependent and narcissist attraction. Why we keep getting into relationships with people who hurt us. Why kind/empathic people constantly feel unappreciated, deprived, longing, and abandoned. Or why they keep feeling drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, selfish people, or abusive and dominating personalities.
He also has a great perspective on what we call "chemistry." That high we get when first meeting someone we crush on. It's called "limerence" (I never knew that before). Most people are looking for this high when choosing a partner, but it's actually not the greatest thing. It's usually because your own unconscious/shadow side is being magnetically attracted to their shadow side. You two don't even know it yet, but it will be revealed after the honeymoon phases wear off.
This "magnetic pull" between two lovers is exactly what this book is about and is rooted in trauma. But it's not a bad thing. It's actually nature's way of healing.
It gets into all the other aspects of what is known as narcissitic abuse. It talks about being in relationship with bi-polar or borderline personality types. With emotionally needy people who use the other to "fill up" and think that love means putting up with pain and confusion.
Anyway, this is a great resource not only for those recovering from narcisstic abuse, but for those who desire more authentic relationships and to build a healthy independence outside of a relationship. To heal our inner wounds of abandonment or betrayal. To learn self-love and care and how to fill our own cup so we're not needy for others to do it for us. Good stuff!!
I highly recommend this book to empaths, highly sensitive people, and other lovers/healers out there who tend to attract "damaged" or domineering relationship partners.
Ross has created such a useful tool for understanding the empath/codependent and narcissist attraction. Why we keep getting into relationships with people who hurt us. Why kind/empathic people constantly feel unappreciated, deprived, longing, and abandoned. Or why they keep feeling drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, selfish people, or abusive and dominating personalities.
He also has a great perspective on what we call "chemistry." That high we get when first meeting someone we crush on. It's called "limerence" (I never knew that before). Most people are looking for this high when choosing a partner, but it's actually not the greatest thing. It's usually because your own unconscious/shadow side is being magnetically attracted to their shadow side. You two don't even know it yet, but it will be revealed after the honeymoon phases wear off.
This "magnetic pull" between two lovers is exactly what this book is about and is rooted in trauma. But it's not a bad thing. It's actually nature's way of healing.
It gets into all the other aspects of what is known as narcissitic abuse. It talks about being in relationship with bi-polar or borderline personality types. With emotionally needy people who use the other to "fill up" and think that love means putting up with pain and confusion.
Anyway, this is a great resource not only for those recovering from narcisstic abuse, but for those who desire more authentic relationships and to build a healthy independence outside of a relationship. To heal our inner wounds of abandonment or betrayal. To learn self-love and care and how to fill our own cup so we're not needy for others to do it for us. Good stuff!!
November 29, 2020
"سندرم آهم ربای انسانی" به بررسی و واکاوری دو تیپ عمده شخصیتی پرداخته. "سلطه جوی عاطفی" و "هم وابسته عاطفی" .... این دو تیپ شخصیتی که هر دو در گروه اختلالات شخصیتی طبقه بندی میشوند ، آنچنان رابطه ناکارآمد اما مستحکمی را تشکیل میدهند که در عین عدم احساس لذت از رابطه...هیچکدامشان تمایلی به قطع این ارتباط ندارند.
شخصیت "سلطه جو" ، خودمحور...خودخواه ، متوقع ، بی اعتنا نسبت به نیازها و انتظارات حداقلی طرف دیگر رابطه ...
شخصیت "هم وابسته" ، فاقد اعتماد به نفس ، که همه تاب و توانش در جهت برآورده کردن نیاز دیگریست ، نهایت لذت او ...برآوردن توقعات سلطه جوست... ولو با قربانی کردن توقعات حداقلی خود...شخصیتی که حتی از نیازهای اولیه اش میگذرد و با تصویری فداکارانه ، از خودگذشته و کم توقع مطیع و فرمانبردار شخصیت سلطه جو میشود.
شخصیت "سلطه جو" ، خودمحور...خودخواه ، متوقع ، بی اعتنا نسبت به نیازها و انتظارات حداقلی طرف دیگر رابطه ...
شخصیت "هم وابسته" ، فاقد اعتماد به نفس ، که همه تاب و توانش در جهت برآورده کردن نیاز دیگریست ، نهایت لذت او ...برآوردن توقعات سلطه جوست... ولو با قربانی کردن توقعات حداقلی خود...شخصیتی که حتی از نیازهای اولیه اش میگذرد و با تصویری فداکارانه ، از خودگذشته و کم توقع مطیع و فرمانبردار شخصیت سلطه جو میشود.
July 23, 2017
The premise of this book is that narcissists and codependents are attracted to one another in a harmful symbiosis. While the information was valuable, it was not very well written. I found this through Ross Rosenberg's youtube videos, and it didn't seem like there was enough additional value in the book to be worth struggling through the writing. I may still pick it up again some day though, if my interest in studying narcissistic personality disorder is renewed.
March 25, 2020
All the stars. The importance of protecting ourselves from emotional manipulators and getting better at “relationship-picking” cannot be overstated. So grateful for the availability of this kind of literature.
February 13, 2022
I felt like I was reading a book about narcissism written BY a narcissist. I didn't like the vibes this book had.
April 23, 2021
Yuck! Painfully written. A pleasure to put down.
Once I read the forward I felt like dropping the book. I plodded on through three more chapters and after hearing Ross continually praise himself for how many books he has sold, or how insightful he is, or how he is "single-handedly changing" the world and redefining psychology I had to stop. There is the occasional bit of useful insight, but nothing you won't find presented better by almost anyone else. I saw him again pat himself of the back for his super-human use of metaphor, only to have have him then share his "beloved essay" with a metaphor stretched so thin and so poorly articulated that I began to wonder whether he was right in the head. That confirmed the suspicion I had when first reading the forward of the book.
I read another book on the same subject and recommend it to friends who also were eager to read it based just on the three pages in its forward. When I read the forward Ross R. chose for his book, my reaction was "What person in his right mind would put this in his book?!" Then jumping into a disjointed catalogue of generations of family dysfunction so poorly written that the thread of it could not be followed, I had to wonder if he was so enamored of his own perception of his talents that he either thought he did not need an editor, or could not find a competent one willing to work with him! Yes, there were some useful examples in that history, but their usefulness was sadly marred by poor presentation, presenting them without context, and complete failure to present the framework with which to understand them. As he spiraled into ever more complex explanations of simple phenomena, I had to put the book down and conclude that the praise for this book, or at least that small part that did not come from him, was because some explanation of the trauma we went through was better than none.
Looking for a GOOD book on this material? I would recommend Psychopath Free coupled with Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie. MacKenzie actual gets it, and Whole Again actually results in healing. As for the Human Magnet Syndrome and his presentation of his work on YouTube, I have to guess that with Ross R. we are dealing with what is known as "the unhealed healer." His work will be validating to read, to see someone who (claims he) shares your experience, but I prefer Whole Again because it is written by someone who has healed himself and whose work helps others heal.
Once I read the forward I felt like dropping the book. I plodded on through three more chapters and after hearing Ross continually praise himself for how many books he has sold, or how insightful he is, or how he is "single-handedly changing" the world and redefining psychology I had to stop. There is the occasional bit of useful insight, but nothing you won't find presented better by almost anyone else. I saw him again pat himself of the back for his super-human use of metaphor, only to have have him then share his "beloved essay" with a metaphor stretched so thin and so poorly articulated that I began to wonder whether he was right in the head. That confirmed the suspicion I had when first reading the forward of the book.
I read another book on the same subject and recommend it to friends who also were eager to read it based just on the three pages in its forward. When I read the forward Ross R. chose for his book, my reaction was "What person in his right mind would put this in his book?!" Then jumping into a disjointed catalogue of generations of family dysfunction so poorly written that the thread of it could not be followed, I had to wonder if he was so enamored of his own perception of his talents that he either thought he did not need an editor, or could not find a competent one willing to work with him! Yes, there were some useful examples in that history, but their usefulness was sadly marred by poor presentation, presenting them without context, and complete failure to present the framework with which to understand them. As he spiraled into ever more complex explanations of simple phenomena, I had to put the book down and conclude that the praise for this book, or at least that small part that did not come from him, was because some explanation of the trauma we went through was better than none.
Looking for a GOOD book on this material? I would recommend Psychopath Free coupled with Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie. MacKenzie actual gets it, and Whole Again actually results in healing. As for the Human Magnet Syndrome and his presentation of his work on YouTube, I have to guess that with Ross R. we are dealing with what is known as "the unhealed healer." His work will be validating to read, to see someone who (claims he) shares your experience, but I prefer Whole Again because it is written by someone who has healed himself and whose work helps others heal.
June 19, 2022
O carte buna pentru toti cei care vor sa cunoasca mai multe informatii despre ce inseamna codependenta si narcisismul, o lectura folositoare celor deschisi la minte care vor sa cultive relatii sanatoase cu cei din jur. O carte obligatorie pentru toti cei care sunt capabili sa isi asume statutul (toxic) de codependent sau narcisist si doresc sa isi schimbe mentalitatea si comportamentul, astfel incat sa beneficieze de relatii sanatoase si fructuoase cu cei din jur, dar si cu ei inisi.
O recomand cu incredere, este o lectura utila si inteligenta, care mie, personal, mi-a reamintit cat este de gresit si contraproductiv sa stam langa oameni care nu vor sa se schimbe in bine si care permit transmiterea din generatie in generatie a comportamentelor si mentalitatii nesanatoase. I-am dat 4 si nu 5 stelute deoarece majoritatea lucrurilor pe care autorul le-a scos in evidenta le stiam deja, iar in acest sens recomand cu si mai mare incredere cartea Sindromul Tarzan, de Pascale Piquet, care, dupa pererea mea, este mult mai detaliata decat romanul lui Rosenberg.
"Sufletul pereche din visele tale va deveni colegul de celula din cosmarurile tale."
"Nebunia inseamna sa faci acelasi lucru la nesfarsit si sa astepti rezultate diferite."
O recomand cu incredere, este o lectura utila si inteligenta, care mie, personal, mi-a reamintit cat este de gresit si contraproductiv sa stam langa oameni care nu vor sa se schimbe in bine si care permit transmiterea din generatie in generatie a comportamentelor si mentalitatii nesanatoase. I-am dat 4 si nu 5 stelute deoarece majoritatea lucrurilor pe care autorul le-a scos in evidenta le stiam deja, iar in acest sens recomand cu si mai mare incredere cartea Sindromul Tarzan, de Pascale Piquet, care, dupa pererea mea, este mult mai detaliata decat romanul lui Rosenberg.
"Sufletul pereche din visele tale va deveni colegul de celula din cosmarurile tale."
"Nebunia inseamna sa faci acelasi lucru la nesfarsit si sa astepti rezultate diferite."
April 22, 2021
Once I read the forward I felt like dropping the book. I plodded on through three more chapters and after hearing Ross continually praise himself for how many books he has sold, or how insightful he is, or how he is "single-handedly changing" the world and redefining psychology I had to stop. There is the occasional bit of useful insight, but nothing you won't find presented better by almost anyone else. I saw him again pat himself of the back for his super-human use of metaphor, only to have have him then share his "beloved essay" with a metaphor stretched so thin and so poorly articulated that I began to wonder whether he was right in the head. That confirmed the suspicion I had when first reading the forward of the book.
I read another book on the same subject and recommend it to friends who also were eager to read it based just on those three pages. When I read the forward Ross R. chose for his book, my reaction was "What person in his right mind would put this in his book?!" Then jumping into a disjointed catalogue of generations of family dysfunction so poorly written that the thread of it could not be followed, I had to wonder if he was so enamored of his own perception of his talents that he either thought he did not need an editor, or could not find a competent one willing to work with him! Yes, there were some useful examples in that history, but their usefulness was sadly marred by poor presentation, presenting them without context, and complete failure to present the framework with which to understand them. As he spiraled into ever more complex explanations of simple phenomena, I had to put the book down and conclude that the praise for this book, or at least that small part that did not come from him, was because some explanation of the trauma we went through was better than none.
Looking for a GOOD book on this material? I would recommend Psychopath Free coupled with Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie. MacKenzie actual gets it, and Whole Again actually results in healing. As for the Human Magnet Syndrome and his presentation of his work on YouTube, I have to guess that with Ross R. we are dealing with what is known as "the unhealed healer." His work will be validating to read, to see someone who (claims he) shares your experience, but I prefer Whole Again because it is written by someone who has healed himself and whose work helps others heal.
I read another book on the same subject and recommend it to friends who also were eager to read it based just on those three pages. When I read the forward Ross R. chose for his book, my reaction was "What person in his right mind would put this in his book?!" Then jumping into a disjointed catalogue of generations of family dysfunction so poorly written that the thread of it could not be followed, I had to wonder if he was so enamored of his own perception of his talents that he either thought he did not need an editor, or could not find a competent one willing to work with him! Yes, there were some useful examples in that history, but their usefulness was sadly marred by poor presentation, presenting them without context, and complete failure to present the framework with which to understand them. As he spiraled into ever more complex explanations of simple phenomena, I had to put the book down and conclude that the praise for this book, or at least that small part that did not come from him, was because some explanation of the trauma we went through was better than none.
Looking for a GOOD book on this material? I would recommend Psychopath Free coupled with Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie. MacKenzie actual gets it, and Whole Again actually results in healing. As for the Human Magnet Syndrome and his presentation of his work on YouTube, I have to guess that with Ross R. we are dealing with what is known as "the unhealed healer." His work will be validating to read, to see someone who (claims he) shares your experience, but I prefer Whole Again because it is written by someone who has healed himself and whose work helps others heal.
February 7, 2017
The Human Magnet Syndrome
By Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC
2013
Reviewed by Angie Mangino
Rating: 5 stars
Why do we love people who hurt us?
In this book about emotional manipulators, codependents, and dysfunctional relationships, the author presents a well-documented search for the answer.
“The bond created by perfectly matched ‘human magnets’ is interminably powerful, binding two lovers together despite consequences or shared unhappiness. In a codependent and emotional manipulator relationship, this magnetic force will likely create a long-term dysfunctional relationship. Conversely, with healthy romantic partners, the Human Magnet Syndrome results in relationships that are empowering, affirming and mutually-satisfying.”
Readers may become uncomfortable in the parts of this book where they may recognize themselves or their partners, but it is only in the understanding that one can grow to determine the direction of one’s choices in life.
By the author’s sharing with readers a better understanding of the dynamics at work in relationships, his purpose is to offer hope for individuals to find “true love,” rather than “true dysfunction.”
With glimpses into his own life, the author’s practical and approachable writing offers that hope.
Angie Mangino currently works as a freelance writer and book reviewer, additionally offering authors personalized critique service of unpublished manuscripts. http://www.angiemangino.com
By Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC
2013
Reviewed by Angie Mangino
Rating: 5 stars
Why do we love people who hurt us?
In this book about emotional manipulators, codependents, and dysfunctional relationships, the author presents a well-documented search for the answer.
“The bond created by perfectly matched ‘human magnets’ is interminably powerful, binding two lovers together despite consequences or shared unhappiness. In a codependent and emotional manipulator relationship, this magnetic force will likely create a long-term dysfunctional relationship. Conversely, with healthy romantic partners, the Human Magnet Syndrome results in relationships that are empowering, affirming and mutually-satisfying.”
Readers may become uncomfortable in the parts of this book where they may recognize themselves or their partners, but it is only in the understanding that one can grow to determine the direction of one’s choices in life.
By the author’s sharing with readers a better understanding of the dynamics at work in relationships, his purpose is to offer hope for individuals to find “true love,” rather than “true dysfunction.”
With glimpses into his own life, the author’s practical and approachable writing offers that hope.
Angie Mangino currently works as a freelance writer and book reviewer, additionally offering authors personalized critique service of unpublished manuscripts. http://www.angiemangino.com
July 28, 2015
I stumbled on this book due to my newfound interest in the psychology of relationship interaction. It's my first experience in audiobooks so my review might not be that accurate as I did not have the book in hand which I believe reading would be much enjoyable with.
Having had a prior knowledge about the Codependents and NRPs personalities and how they complement each other in the field of human relationship interaction, this book seemed like another good source to add to my knowledge.
Overall, I found this book more of informative rather than giving out solutions to help lay clients explore the cracks in their personality development and when I say lay clients, I mean by them the ones who never experienced this type of a relationship and thus they're new to these terms. It also has a lot of repetition into it which lessened my excitement into finishing this book.
I gave it 3 stars for the information it included, other than that everything else seemed casual to me compared to the few psychology books I read so far.
Having had a prior knowledge about the Codependents and NRPs personalities and how they complement each other in the field of human relationship interaction, this book seemed like another good source to add to my knowledge.
Overall, I found this book more of informative rather than giving out solutions to help lay clients explore the cracks in their personality development and when I say lay clients, I mean by them the ones who never experienced this type of a relationship and thus they're new to these terms. It also has a lot of repetition into it which lessened my excitement into finishing this book.
I gave it 3 stars for the information it included, other than that everything else seemed casual to me compared to the few psychology books I read so far.
March 24, 2015
Very worthwhile, albeit minor repetition and a few mistakes that give the impression that the book was rushed to be published. It answered the dilemma of repetitive dysfunctional relationships patterns in the context of Codependency/Emotional Manipulation and revealed a lot one must know before it's too late, whether one eventually decides to leave or stay in such relationships. It explains the familial origins of Codependency and Emotional Manipulation traits, and introduces strong metaphors and theoretical justifications. I highly recommend reading this book after finishing "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with your Life" by Margalis Fjelstad, and one will clearly see the linear transference from the Caretaker's to the Codependent's context and perspective, especially for those entrapped in dysfunctional relationships and unable to know what's going on wrong!
June 15, 2020
Ross Rosenberg likes to talk a lot about his family and himself, I'm no professional but that seems kind of narcissistic to me. I have to say 90% of this went right over my head, so I think this book is intended more for actual professionals. There was one actual client couple story that really interested me for 3 pages, but then they "righted the marital ship". I really wish there had been an explanation given of how they managed to do that, what treatment worked for them, etc. I like the definitions Rosenberg provides of various personality disorders, but I didn't really go in for all his tortuous analogies.
Most of the notes I made in my Kindle version of this book regards typos:
7% trauma would be permanently (hid)
8% consequence of her retaliatory (retaliatory) anger
10% which (command) his immediate attention
11% tried to be (affection) to her
12% brought out the worst side ( ) my father's
Most of the notes I made in my Kindle version of this book regards typos:
7% trauma would be permanently (hid)
8% consequence of her retaliatory (retaliatory) anger
10% which (command) his immediate attention
11% tried to be (affection) to her
12% brought out the worst side ( ) my father's
December 4, 2014
This book is informative only to the ever-shrinking number of people who have a) never been in therapy or b) had an addict in their life or been an addict. Most of this is simply AA and Al-Anon concepts with an arbitrary scale thrown in for good measure. This book is also at least double the length it should be thanks to near-endless repetition and the author's desire to tell his life story both as the book goes along and at the end. At the end of the day, this book gets 2 stars only because the writing isn't atrocious and he effectively exhorts his readers to obtain therapy.
July 13, 2019
While I was encouraged initially at the concepts of codependency reworked, I quickly saw this book devolving into pathologizing children, making a rare relationship dynamic into a common place occurrence, and confusing BPD as a narcissistic condition. Disappointed. I cannot find any criticism of this work online or support by relationship experts like Terry Real, John and Julie Gottman or personality disorder experts like Greg Lester. It seems as though the author has a good publicist to promote his understanding of the world through the lens of someone who hasn’t healed well.
February 27, 2022
The author seems more interested in telling his story and proving how smart, successful and helpful he is, instead of actually giving useful information for a large portion of the book. I got halfway through before abandoning the book, because the only useful information I've got is that wounded, passive, yielding, caring humans and wounded, aggressive, domineering, driven humans attract each other in an unhealthy way. Yeah, I could've guessed that much
October 10, 2018
This was a very informative book. Ross Rosenberg explains why certain people with issues from childhood traumas are attracted to and stay in relationships that are unhealthy. He clearly explains the difference between normal and unhealthy reactions we may have towards others. I just wish it had more on how to recover from the trauma.
December 22, 2021
Awful book the author has made numerous unsupported assumptions and tries to state them as facts such as all codependents have to have a narcissist parent - not the case at all codependency can arise out of many situations. He comes across as a mixture of ‘codependent victim’ and a know it all. Much more informative (with actual supporting academia) such as children of dysfunctional families.
September 7, 2020
Quite possibly one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read. I don’t believe we are all so damaged and irreparable, doomed to repeat flawed mistakes. I don’t want to believe the only hope is relational tightrope walking.
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