How To Break Up With Friends: From Friendshit to Friendsplit – a guide to ditching crappy companions

by Hannah Korrel

We all have that one friend.
 
The one who expects the world, but never remembers your birthday. The one who constantly ditches your dinner plans when you’re already halfway to the restaurant. The one who leaves you feeling exhausted, used and completely emotionally battered.
 
Why do we let these people into our lives? When is their friendship actually friend-shit? How do we dump these crappy companions?
 
This is the no-bullshit, essential guide for anyone devoting their precious time and energy into maintaining friendships with toxic friends. Using activities, truth bombs, and real-life examples, neuropscyhologist Dr Hannah Korrel will help you to identify the bad friends in your life, understand what true friendship should look like, learn how to attract the best people, and become the best friend you can be yourself.
 
Provocative, funny, and brutally honest, How To Break Up With Friends will change the way you look at friendship forever.
 

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Self Help, Friendship

158 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 7, 2020

Reviews

[Carly Findlay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me after I heard about a “friend” using me.

A quick easy read with practical steps into addressing issues in friendships.

It gave me food for thought about the way I behave in friendships - and also made me look at what I can do to be a better friend. I know it will be useful in talking to friends who don’t treat me so well, too.

The audiobook was a nice listen, was like a friend spoke to me.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes a book jumps off a bookshop shelf right at the moment you need it. 4.5 stars rounded up.

I should start by saying that this book is more than a breaking up guide. It starts by re-visiting what friendship actually means to you, what your standards and expectations of a friend are, what they should be, why the gap between what "is" and what "should be" occurs. It also helps identify toxic friendship behaviours... this is one area where I would have liked more detail. Once you get into adulthood, toxic friendships tend to become toxic in more subtle ways that don't neatly fit into boxes, and I wanted more from this chapter. However, what was there was mighty helpful.

This is a very concise and practical book, which I appreciate. There is no fluff, there are exercises, a bunch of examples, a decision flowchart, and many helpful practical suggestions for actions to take, phrases to use in conversation when re-establishing boundaries, etc.

I came to this book because I was questioning behaviour of a "friend" interactions with whom left me drained and never happier than before the interaction. But I didn't know what to do with this - I googled, I asked other people, but... well, it just seems like unless a friend is doing something blatantly horrible, we don't know how to proceed and what the correct process is to... fix... the situation. And then fortuitously I saw this book which dealt with the exact issues I was struggling with. And it is amazing that the topic of friendships and problematic friendships is not more widely discussed but it definitely needs to.

The best thing I personally got out of this book was the reminder of what a good friendship *feels* like. I think sometimes, in the business of everyday life we (well, I) just settle for convenient but unfulfilling "friendships" and then don't know what to do when it fails to satisfy our friend-needs.

So yeah, highly recommend, especially if you have friends whose behaviour is a bit meh and you don't know what to do about it and whether you even should do anything.

[Tracey Allen at Carpe Librum · Rating 3 out of 5]

Today on my blog I'm giving away a copy of How To Break Up With Friends - From Friendsh*t to Friendsplit by Australian Neuropsychologist Dr Hannah Korrel. This is a guide to ditching crappy companions and I found a few hard truths in this little gem. Dr Korrel does a great job of explaining what a good friend is, how to set boundaries, highlighting misnomers about friendship and telling us how to let go of toxic friendships.

The most powerful lesson for me were the four elements of friendship: trust, support, affection and respect. I was able to assess previous friendships and immediately identify which of these elements were lacking and how it ultimately resulted in a drifting away or ending of the friendship.

In pointing out the reasons we hang on to friends who don't treat us well, I'd have liked Korrel to include fear of losing a shared history and the fact many of us maintain friendships for sentimental reasons.

I have to say I didn't enjoy the endearments throughout the text (friend, dear reader, bud, baby etc), but I expect that's my age talking.

The exercises and reflections were very useful although I found myself writing additional break up messages. The suggested break up messages seemed a little too 'safe' for my liking. I wanted to see suggestions like: '...you continue to disrespect me and I just don't think our friendship is working out.' Besides, after going to the trouble to lay down boundaries, why not explain precisely why you've decided to end the friendship? Making excuses that you don't have the time or effort to invest in the friendship sounds like a cop out to me. It might be handy in some situations but surely some friends deserve to hear the truth.

The approach: "I can't discuss this right now, I need to deal with my mental health," is completely foreign to me and again, I suspect I'm showing my age as a Generation X reader.

Readers who have experienced friendship or relationship problems in the past may gain additional insight into where it all went wrong by reading How To Break Up With Friends by Dr Hannah Korrel.

For those who have never confronted a friend over their poor behaviour and have felt powerless to stop friends treating them badly, this is a must read! It will empower you to ditch your toxic friend and re-invest that time somewhere else.

Visit my blog for your chance to win a copy: https://www.carpelibrum.net/2020/10/r...

* Copy courtesy of Ventura Press *

[Pauline · Rating 4 out of 5]

Friendship and its nuances, specifically now in adulthood, is a topic that’s been very intriguing to me. This book discusses just that, in a way that’s straightforward and engaging but using a no-bullshit approach.

It started off by outlining 4 elements of what makes up a ‘friendship’ (it’s trust, support, affection and respect, in case you were wondering!). This may seem obvious but the way that it’s all laid out and written down was very impactful for me - so much so that it was stuck in my mind all day on the day that i read it. It was one of the biggest takeaways and made me re-evaluate my existing friendships and i’m sure new ones in the future too!

Other chapters in the book look at the reasons why friendships can be so fucked up these days, why we put up with it all and why it’s so vital to invest our time and effort in good friendships that are actually worth it. It’s all written in an engaging and conversational tone that makes you feel like you’re having a chat with Dr Hannah. In saying that, it’s also clear that Dr Hannah’s applied her background in psychology throughout. We see this through her use of footnotes which i found so interesting and easily accessible.

I’m glad i gave this a go despite not being much of a self-help reader. Not only does this book reaffirm the kinds of friendship i should have, i’ve also (hopefully) learnt how to be a better friend myself.

[Quill · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read this because it was short and I was bored lol. The overly familiar tone with lots of swearing just wears you down very quickly and while there was some potentially good content, it was so surface level I’m not sure how much this could help people. It really felt like a small amount of content stretched too far, and could easily have been an online article rather than a full book.

[Jenna Carmichael · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Your kindness doesn’t deserve toxic in return.”

Wow, what a masterpiece from Doctor Hannah. In the age of lazy friends, friends who exclude, friends who are jealous, and friends with an abhorrent lack of empathy, this book cuts through.

Fresh and punchy with zero bullshit in sight, this is a must read for anyone thinking “is it me?” (Hint: if you care enough about your relationships to take a deep dive into the psychology of relationships, it’s not you, it’s them.)

Trust, support, affection and respect: Doctor Hannah says accept nothing less.

And I say, about bloody time.

P.S: Tell your crappy companions they could learn a thing or two from this one (and then dump them :)

[Maddy Kinlay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a real eye opener for me. Friendships are a universal experience and I truely learnt about cultivating healthy relationships with those around me. Thanks Dr Korrel for your knowledge and wisdom.

[Lucia M · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really looking forward to reading this as I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships and their complexities. Unfortunately this was not it. It is a really good book for people that are just beginning to question their relationships, what it means to be a good friend, and how to put boundaries, and in that sense it is very simple and easy to read. I found it was helpful in putting words to some concepts I hadn’t found before, but apart from that I found it was missing in nuance and depth into it. I suppose it is really what it advertises: a simple guide to identify toxic friendships and how to move to more healthy relationships, but I was really hoping for a bit more.

[Nell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe I just read a lot of journals or other non-fiction books, but so many of these self-help books sound the same.
This is fine if you've never taken a moment to look at yourself before now, so if you're just starting your path to healing and betterment, great! Go for it!

Anyone else who has any knowledge of psychology or has read books about being stronger, is not going to get much more than a memory jog from this.

Nice and simple read though, good activities to help you out.

[Bee Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so thankful for Dr Hannah Korrel's book! I was someone who had toxic people drapping off of me, i didn't even realise! I didn't even know i had a choice to say no, and i didn't know how. I felt so obligated to keep them around. I just assumed as some of them has been my 'friends' for so long that they were my friends. This book gave me some insight to behaviours and helped me identify many things that were not okay and in turn find my inner voice and make some changes.

I am so grateful and thankful for this book!

[Jessica Southwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

No other book like it. I don’t think any other author has approached this subject and it is well overdue! If you’ve struggled with toxic friends or wondered why you constantly feel depleted and let down from your friendships, this book was made for you!

[Rueben]

Nope.

[Heather Kent · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I could relate to in so many ways - there must be something wrong with me!, and why we put up with badly behaved friends. I’ve re-read it a couple of times as it’s helping me make that courageous change with those ‘friends’ that are only keeping me down in negativity. And, this will give me the space and energy to invest in new positive friendships.

[Alannah Jenkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just want to thank you so much for that book I have read it a few times now and still learn more each time.. (I'm somebody who has not read a whole book since I was forced to in year 7) I have learnt so much I am so much happier letting toxic people go I have realised that there are people in my life that I have moved away from a bit which are very good friends and I had begun to reconnect with them just from knowing the things I know now so thank you for this amazing book and thank you for writing it and sharing it with the rest of us

[Fiona Bookworm · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a fantastic how-to guide and reminder of how to maintain good friendships. And how to recognise potential signs of a friendship that isn’t serving you.
Highly recommend it, it helped me and a few other girlfriends.

[Jamie Acw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a good read! So insightful, I couldn’t put the book down! It’s really helped me set boundaries with “friends” that were taking advantage! I’m so much happier and it’s all thanks to this book!!! Highly recommend!!

[Vas · Rating 4 out of 5]

An in depth look at what makes a friendship good and how to end one's that aren't. A book I wish I had a few years ago that would've prevented some sleepless nights and tears.

[Luna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book to be very borderline cowardly in some of it's recommendations. It says you should text your friend to break-up with them unless you love full-blown fights – but honestly, sometimes you need to face reality. There is also a lot of blocking the friend in question from speaking, which again isn't great – if you are "breaking up with them", they deserve to know why. You can't go touting that *you* deserve respect if you're not willing to give it to others.

I also wasn't a fan of the "dear reader", "bud" way of talking, but some readers may like it when feeling a bit vulnerable during this read.

But other than that, Breaking Up With Friends is a pretty good book for if you're unsure about if a friend is treating you well or not, it's quite good for analyzing friendships and working out your feelings around them.

[Wendy Miles · Rating 1 out of 5]

A whirlwind of unstructured and random thoughts, written in a condescending manner. Dr Korrel advocates texting your friends to break up with them instead of giving them the courtesy of speaking on the phone or face to face. Imagine a world where we are all that disrespectful to each other.

It is absolutely important to have your own boundaries in life, but there's a lot of stuff here which encourages us to treat ourselves as the centre of the universe. It's a world that lacks collectivism. I've followed Dr Korrel on social media in the past and this approach that is consistent with the way in which she posts. (If you would like updates on her new office chair or that time she forgot to get a spoon with her yoghurt, you should follow). The principle of this book has merit but the kind of world advocated by the author is depressing.

[Tom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Dr Hannah Korrel

I got Dr Hannah Korrel’s book and found it to be a real eye opener for what been happening in my life. Be honest with yourself doing the self assessment exercises and you learn more about yourself and how to handle your relationships. I decided to get the audio book version and also Dr Hannah’s “Assert Yourself” app. I couldn’t put them down. In a short time these “tools” have helped me overcome my self sacrificing and approval seeking personality and be more assertive instead of just doing nothing about being taken for granted, accused and abused. Thank you Dr Hannah for helping me put my very service oriented life into perspective and improving my mental and physical health.

[Callum Larkman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend How To Break Up with Friends by Neuropsychologist Dr Hannah Korrel. Dr Korrel draws you straight in and dives deep into the toxic relationships with friends that we have all gone through at least once in our lives. She gives you practical ways that you can help yourself by “breaking up” with these toxic friends. If you have ever felt that you have given too much to others and it is not reciprocated, love a bit of science, psychology and self help books then this is for you!

[Alana Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️ rounded up to 4 for goodreads

There is a certain allure to self help books. I’ve always been drawn in and despite people (typically those who think they’re “too good” for self help books) judging what you’re reading, personal development books give the promise of sparking hope and inspiration and I’m a big fan.

With a provocative title: how to break up with friends, Dr. Korrel’s book is an examination of friendship in the modern age. It does outline the best ways to break up with friends, but it also does a really good job of articulating the foundations of friendship. Broken into 4 components: trust, affection, support and respect, Dr. Korrel succinctly explains the importance of each with examples. The myth that you should do anything and everything for a friend is quickly dispelled - boundaries are in fact a sign of a healthy friendship.

With many self reflection points throughout the book, the reader is often asked to think about different interactions with friends. You will definitely get more out of these exercises if you have a current example/situation you are working through with a toxic friendship. I didn’t have one to reflect on at present but definitely found myself thinking about past friendships & experiences.

I liked some of the audiobook chapters but it was hard to do some of the self assessment activities over audio so I switched to a physical copy of the book towards the end. I’m more of a visual learner and when it comes to self reflection it helps if I see questions written down.

I found the “no BS bombs” a bit cringey at times but I could see the point of them. There wasn’t much science jargon and overall the book had a charming & humorous tone.

Ultimately, this book calls you to reflect on what kind of friend you are and also to emphasise the importance of having good friends ❤️

[Ellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

We could all describe a crappy friendship. The one that springs to my mind is about a 'friend' who plagiarised my imaginative composition and landed the pair of us in the principal's office for academic integrity... yeah, not ideal.

Korrel does a great job at breaking down what she calls an 'interfriention,' and I loved that this book focused on so much more than the 'break up.' It was great at probing individual reflection on our own actions as friends, as well as questioning what actions we are willing to accept from friends. The breakdown of the four elements of friendship: support, trust, affection and respect were especially useful. I made me realise just how many of mine own friendships lack these qualities, and how when we think about 'friend split' it's always the big, dramatic friendship breakdowns that come to mind. It's never the interactions we leave feeling worse, or the behaviour that we let slide. It is definitely food for thought, and a practical guide to reevaluating and readjusting your perspective on good quality friendships.

[mysundaychai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Toxic friends are the worst kind of people you will meet. The ones that are always quick to cancel plans at the last minute. The ones that never bother checking in on you. The ones that are always gossiping and backbiting about others behind their backs. The ones that constantly leave you feeling drained and unworthy. The ones that always take you for granted.

How To Break Up With Friends by @nobullpsych is a quick and simple guide to recognising toxic friendships, letting go of them and learning to become a better friend. Dr Hannah Korrel is an expert on neuropsychology, it was fascinating learning about how and why our brain makes us do certain things when it comes to friendships. I loved how Dr Hannah Korrel incorporated mini activities and practical examples to help the reader work out what true and genuine friendship actually looks like. Key take-home messages for me were:

🌿just like any relationship, a true friendship is made up of four critical qualities: trust, support, affection and respect

🌿good friendships will always: increase our happiness, help us cope with stress, make us kinder and encourage us to improve ourselves

If any of the above elements are missing from your friendships, then it’s time to re-assess your friends and think about taking a step back from the toxic ones!

I recommend this to anyone currently stuck with dodgy friends and is trying to step away from them. In particular, this is a brilliant read for anyone in highschool, college and university. I really wish I had access to this book during my university days, that’s when I was coming to my senses and learning to let go of several toxic friends!

[Siana Di iulio · Rating 4 out of 5]

n a society consumed with positivity and loving everyone, it can be hard to navigate how to let go on those who no longer serve you. Dr Hannah Korrel provides a 'no-bullsh*t' guide on how to break up with those friends expect the world yet barely give the bare minimum. Many of us know, a friendship break up spares none of the heart-ache of a romantic one, yet can often be more difficult to initiate due to the nature friendship. Dr Korrel offers activities and insights into the process which goes into a friend break up. and yes it is a process.

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[Sean Harding · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seemed to have some valuable insight on some matters, but I feel I didn't get the best out of it because:
1. it was a library book so it is more difficult to do the exercises, you can't exactly write in it.
2. I read it alone, I think it would work better in a group, or with a couple of others anyway to discuss do the exercises together and ruminate over what it is saying.
So I think my feelings would be, do this with others, maybe not as valuable on your own.

[Mri · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book years ago and saved myself so much wasted energy on one-way friends. It's something we don't really talk about and just assume we have these friends in our life but shedding this weight is so vital and more apparent as you get older. Dr Korrel laid out all these truths in a direct approach that felt like you were listening to an actual friend giving you the hard advice you needed.

[Mitali · Rating 4 out of 5]

i loved listening to the tips the author was describing throughout this book. I haven't been investing in my relationships for a really long while due to my low mental health currently and have constantly realized that my relationships weren't working out even though i used to give my all at the start.
This audiobook helped me gain a little confidence into once again pushing my relationships right now.

[Israel Perez · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent, clear and easy to understand book. Dr korrel does a great job making it fun to digest the science and material while also making it relatable. If you have ever had, or unsure if there are, soul sucking people in your life; this book is a great manual on how to identify and deal with them.

[Lucy Charlton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has SO many things I now use in my everyday life - and it’s so much better for it!! Cannot recommend it enough. The language makes it easier to apply than any other book I’ve read. Love it so much, I bought the audiobook & the app too!! 11/10