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Dlaczego czuję się nieszczęśliwa, skoro on jest taki wspaniały? Subtelne formy przemocy w związku
Czy jesteś ofiarą subtelnej przemocy w związku?
Czy ciągle przepraszasz partnera i się mu tłumaczysz? On często sprawia, że czujesz się niepewnie i masz poczucie winy? Jesteś sfrustrowana i zła? Jeśli odpowiedziałaś twierdząco choć na jedno z tych pytań, możesz – podobnie jak wiele kobiet – być ofiarą subtelnych form przemocy. Manipulacje i zastraszanie, obelgi, niewybredne komentarze i żarty czy brak szacunku nie pozostawiają widocznych śladów, lecz są równie bolesne i niszczące jak przemoc fizyczna.
Avery Neal, założycielka Women’s Therapy Clinic, pomaga rozpoznawać wzorce subtelnej przemocy i uczy, jak z ofiary stać się bohaterką, która wiedzie szczęśliwe, spełnione życie bez oprawcy. Prawdziwe historie kobiet i zaprezentowane ćwiczenia pozwolą ci wziąć sprawy w swoje ręce i wyzwolić się z toksycznego związku.
Czy ciągle przepraszasz partnera i się mu tłumaczysz? On często sprawia, że czujesz się niepewnie i masz poczucie winy? Jesteś sfrustrowana i zła? Jeśli odpowiedziałaś twierdząco choć na jedno z tych pytań, możesz – podobnie jak wiele kobiet – być ofiarą subtelnych form przemocy. Manipulacje i zastraszanie, obelgi, niewybredne komentarze i żarty czy brak szacunku nie pozostawiają widocznych śladów, lecz są równie bolesne i niszczące jak przemoc fizyczna.
Avery Neal, założycielka Women’s Therapy Clinic, pomaga rozpoznawać wzorce subtelnej przemocy i uczy, jak z ofiary stać się bohaterką, która wiedzie szczęśliwe, spełnione życie bez oprawcy. Prawdziwe historie kobiet i zaprezentowane ćwiczenia pozwolą ci wziąć sprawy w swoje ręce i wyzwolić się z toksycznego związku.
Unknown Binding
First published January 1, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 104 reviews
April 10, 2018
This book talks about subtle abuse--the "I feel bad about myself when I'm around him" rather than "he's hitting me" type of abuse. The author initially talked about the definition of abuse, including subtle abuse, and explained why people should not put up with it. While she realizes that men can also be the targets of abuse and that abuse also happens in other types of relationships, she mainly talked about women in dating or marriage relationships with a man that abuses them. She used the stories of real people to illustrate what subtle abuse can look like.
She covered the many methods of subtle abuse to help people identify it. When a person refuses to take responsibility for their hurtful actions or make genuine, lasting efforts to change, she advocates getting out of the relationship. She also talked about the traits of people that become victims of subtle abuse, like people who are very empathetic. These traits are often positive things, but the abuser uses them against the victim. She talked about some things a woman getting out of an abusive relationship can do to protect themselves. She provided advice on how to recover your sense of self-worth and learn to recognize healthy relationships after leaving an abusive relationship. Finally, she talked about how to teach our daughters to identify and not put up with subtle abuse. Overall, I think this would be a helpful book for someone in a relationship that makes them feel bad.
I received an ARC review copy of this book from the publisher through Amazon Vine.
She covered the many methods of subtle abuse to help people identify it. When a person refuses to take responsibility for their hurtful actions or make genuine, lasting efforts to change, she advocates getting out of the relationship. She also talked about the traits of people that become victims of subtle abuse, like people who are very empathetic. These traits are often positive things, but the abuser uses them against the victim. She talked about some things a woman getting out of an abusive relationship can do to protect themselves. She provided advice on how to recover your sense of self-worth and learn to recognize healthy relationships after leaving an abusive relationship. Finally, she talked about how to teach our daughters to identify and not put up with subtle abuse. Overall, I think this would be a helpful book for someone in a relationship that makes them feel bad.
I received an ARC review copy of this book from the publisher through Amazon Vine.
March 24, 2021
Se adresează celor care se află într-o relație (cu accentul pe una romantică, dar la fel de bine poate fi vorba despre o legătură de familie sau prietenie) cu scopul de a-i ajuta să recunoască semnele abuzului de orice fel. Cu un limbaj simplu, necomplicat de multe concepte de specialitate, mai degrabă ca o discuție din terapie, conturează trăsăturile abuzului și ale celor implicați, aducând exemple din experiența profesională, descrie procesul prin care trece oricine care dorește să iasă dintr-o astfel de relație și oferă exerciții care pot fi utile în acest parcurs. Chiar dacă nu aduce multe detalii, imaginea de ansamblu asupra acestui fenomen pe care o conturează e suficientă pentru a recunoaște tipare în viața personală (profesională) și a ne deschide ochii.
„Subtil sau fățiș, abuzul este legat de putere, de modul în care o persoană își exercită forța și controlul asupra alteia.”
Comportamentul abuziv este indicat de lipsa empatiei, neasumarea responsabilității și blamarea victimei, pedepsirea, vorbele nu reflectă întotdeauna acțiunile sale, nu îți arată respect, te pune în situații compromițătoare, nu îți încurajează relațiile cu ceilalți, încearcă să te intimideze sau să te rănească fizic.
„Subtil sau fățiș, abuzul este legat de putere, de modul în care o persoană își exercită forța și controlul asupra alteia.”
Comportamentul abuziv este indicat de lipsa empatiei, neasumarea responsabilității și blamarea victimei, pedepsirea, vorbele nu reflectă întotdeauna acțiunile sale, nu îți arată respect, te pune în situații compromițătoare, nu îți încurajează relațiile cu ceilalți, încearcă să te intimideze sau să te rănească fizic.
April 18, 2018
Written with man as abuser and woman victim, but the point is made clearly that this pattern can occur regardless of gender. Just that men are abusers more often, because they exert more control. Abuse does not have to include violence and this prevents some victims from realising that they are really experiencing abuse - it may be subtle or covert to start.
Women coming from abusive homes have less of a support system to fall back on than women from sensible backgrounds.
My current college has posters up inviting women to check if their boyfriend is 'too into you' with constant texts and queries about where they are, wanting to monopolise them or overly dramatic. This seems to be a part of the early abuse signs in this book. Unequal power in the relationship is another warning sign, as is disrespecting the girl or former partners. The boyfriend will be charming at first, then gradually turn up the controlling side. He becomes jealous for no reason, may abuse drugs or alcohol, pressure for sex, isolates the girl from friends, and he is self-centred - and always wants to be right.
I really believe girls and women should read this book for themselves, as power was abused so much in the past, by religious, by wealthy and influential or just trendy people. Men need to know how to avoid abuse too, but realistically girls are reared to be more acquiescent and to fear stalking. They still have lower expectations in the workplace. Young women are the picks of men who want to have affairs, or relationships they have no intention of turning into marriage - or they do, with total financial control, just to stop the women leaving. I have to say, while reading this, I felt the descriptions applied to men of previous generations, not the young generation I meet. But I am sure some men like this are still out there, deluding themselves that they are attractive to women.
Case studies are provided, which is very good, including passive-aggressive abuse. Keeping a wife short of money is a classic.
Girls, women, ladies, take some self-defence classes or at least look at the short films on YouTube. Look around you and ask questions. Is the guy really so great, or are you the better, and is that why he puts you down? Don't let anyone put you down. Leave.
Another excellent book on this topic is How to Find the Right Person to Date: A Step by Step Guide to Finding the Right Partner and Detecting an Abuser by Celia John.
Women coming from abusive homes have less of a support system to fall back on than women from sensible backgrounds.
My current college has posters up inviting women to check if their boyfriend is 'too into you' with constant texts and queries about where they are, wanting to monopolise them or overly dramatic. This seems to be a part of the early abuse signs in this book. Unequal power in the relationship is another warning sign, as is disrespecting the girl or former partners. The boyfriend will be charming at first, then gradually turn up the controlling side. He becomes jealous for no reason, may abuse drugs or alcohol, pressure for sex, isolates the girl from friends, and he is self-centred - and always wants to be right.
I really believe girls and women should read this book for themselves, as power was abused so much in the past, by religious, by wealthy and influential or just trendy people. Men need to know how to avoid abuse too, but realistically girls are reared to be more acquiescent and to fear stalking. They still have lower expectations in the workplace. Young women are the picks of men who want to have affairs, or relationships they have no intention of turning into marriage - or they do, with total financial control, just to stop the women leaving. I have to say, while reading this, I felt the descriptions applied to men of previous generations, not the young generation I meet. But I am sure some men like this are still out there, deluding themselves that they are attractive to women.
Case studies are provided, which is very good, including passive-aggressive abuse. Keeping a wife short of money is a classic.
Girls, women, ladies, take some self-defence classes or at least look at the short films on YouTube. Look around you and ask questions. Is the guy really so great, or are you the better, and is that why he puts you down? Don't let anyone put you down. Leave.
Another excellent book on this topic is How to Find the Right Person to Date: A Step by Step Guide to Finding the Right Partner and Detecting an Abuser by Celia John.
January 16, 2023
Книга про так зване "витончене насильство", коли тебе фізично не б’ють, але маніпулюють тобою, газлайтять, надмірно контролюють. Поступово своїми ремарками погіршують твою самооцінку. Мені було важко читати, бо це болісна для мене тема, але це було того варте. У книзі є вправи для самопізнання, щоб було менше шансів потрапити у співзалежні стосунки наступного разу та написано як розпізнати, що твоя донька опинилася у стосунках із тираном і що робити у такому випадку.
March 19, 2018
This is an important book on the nature of domestic abuse, types of perpetrators and tools for it's victims. The last chapter, Helping our Daughters, was the most important in my opinion.
I found the book to be too gendered, which the author acknowledges in the preface. The explanation is that the assumption of a male abuser and a female victim are for ease of reading. I would rather have had a more diverse (hence, realistic) range of anecdotes. And the last chapter would have been more effective if it explored how both girls and boys could be educated on abuse and provided with the tools to identify and respond to abusive patterns in their relationships.
Educating girls serves two very important purposes. First it teaches girls what is acceptable behavior and what is not... The second purpose is that the less girls are willing to tolerate any type of abusive behavior, the more likely that boys are forced to change negative behaviour.
I found the book to be too gendered, which the author acknowledges in the preface. The explanation is that the assumption of a male abuser and a female victim are for ease of reading. I would rather have had a more diverse (hence, realistic) range of anecdotes. And the last chapter would have been more effective if it explored how both girls and boys could be educated on abuse and provided with the tools to identify and respond to abusive patterns in their relationships.
November 17, 2020
Opened my eyes
Nobody wants to admit they have been in an abusive relationship; this book helped me to understand my own problems and how to move forward and recognize when I am not being treated fairly. I used to feel crazy thinking I was to blame for my relationship failing but the truth is it was both of us and I deserved more.
Nobody wants to admit they have been in an abusive relationship; this book helped me to understand my own problems and how to move forward and recognize when I am not being treated fairly. I used to feel crazy thinking I was to blame for my relationship failing but the truth is it was both of us and I deserved more.
January 18, 2022
This was a helpful one, but wish I could do 3.5 stars. Mainly, I wish there were more in it about SUBTLE abuse. It's the most difficult form to recognize, even well after the fact. She touches on it, but, even when she does, her signs to watch for, examples, etc. are still more overt than what I think is typical. Time to dig deeper, I suppose ...
My main takeaways are: If something FEELS WRONG, it probably is, even if you cannot identify why. Pay attention to how you feel, and pay attention to your partner's actions, not their words.
Would recommend for anyone in, or coming out of, a relationship that was abusive, or that you even suspect is.
My main takeaways are: If something FEELS WRONG, it probably is, even if you cannot identify why. Pay attention to how you feel, and pay attention to your partner's actions, not their words.
Would recommend for anyone in, or coming out of, a relationship that was abusive, or that you even suspect is.
January 13, 2020
It's important you read it. It's important you won't read it gender biased. And what's even most important, read it with your partner and discuss about it even if you feel your relationship is healthy. It's important to put an effort to be good for each others. And it's super important to take car of yourself. At the very last chapter, the book gives great advices how to get back your identity and I recommend you to read through it.
June 1, 2018
This was good. Clear, easy to read, with lots of stories as types to see what this looks like in reality. The last chapter on how to teach our daughters to recognize, avoid, and overcome toxic and abusive relationships was probably the best and most important one.
Could have used a concluding chapter to summarize the book; seemed to end abruptly.
Could have used a concluding chapter to summarize the book; seemed to end abruptly.
July 5, 2018
As someone who's been in subtly abusive relationships in the past, I think this book would be an invaluable resource for a woman experiencing such a relationship. I do wish, though, that this book weren't so heteronormative, and I also wish the author hadn't chosen to set it up as "she experiences this from him". Abusive relationships are bad, no matter a person's gender or sexual orientation, so I would have liked to see this book take a more neutral approach. More complete review to come.
Full review:
As someone who has weathered more than one emotionally abusive relationships, I think one of the most astonishing things about them is how hard they can be to recognize for what they are. Society does a much better job of acknowledging the existence of physical abuse--though it still has a long, long way to go when it comes to preventing such abuse and protecting victims. It should go without saying that men are also victims of unhealthy, abusive, and dangerous relationships, but the statistics are quite clear about women being disproportionately affected by them. What's more, pop culture aimed at women is often loaded with harmful messages about what's "romantic", feeding women and girls messages about how, with enough love and care, they can "fix" a "broken" partner. Books like these are absolutely necessary to help tear down and expose those myths for the harmful garbage they are.
Using various case studies and anecdotes, Neal offers a comprehensive overview of what these relationships can look and feel like, which is something that many women stuck in unhealthy relationships need, because when you're in it, it's very difficult to see what's happening right in front of you. Neal shows the subtleties of these relationships, how a slow, gradual eroding of the woman's sense of self is used to establish a toehold in her partner's quest for dominance over her. As with physical abuse, these relationships are about power, about the partner's sense of dominating his or her partner, of controlling their loyalty and obedience so utterly that their victims can't conceive of any other way of being. As Neal shows, what's so insidious about these relationships is that abusers often play on the messages society sends women, messages that tell them if they're just more patient or less assertive or a better housekeeper or a more accepting partner, they can fix what's wrong with the relationship. This warped reality implies that the blame lies with the victim rather than correctly assigning it to the partner who refuses to respect, acknowledge, and support their partner's autonomy. It makes victims question their own judgement and recollection, thus warping their own perspective so that they internalize these messages about blame and begin to buy into them. One of the real strengths of Neal's book, to me, was her deconstruction of specific anecdotes from her clinical practice, incidents that might seem small in isolation but that point to a broader pattern. And as Neal points out, this pattern is deliberately established by the perpetrator because he or she knows that it's so hard to detect, the victim isn't likely to see the forest for the trees.
I can't overstate the importance of this. When you're caught up in a destructive relationship, you don't always see things clearly. Learning how to spot the signs is critical, because part of beginning the process of breaking away from such a relationship is by learning how to spot problematic behavior. Neal shows how important it is not to minimize the damage these small incidents do, how over time that damage compounds, leaving victims feeling like a shell of themselves. Victims stuck in these relationships need to know that things aren't going to get better, that that magical, mythical day when they become the perfect partner will never arrive because their abuser will ensure it doesn't. Otherwise, he or she will lose power over their victim, and since these relationships are about power, it's a loss they'll never tolerate. But most of all, victims need to know it isn't their responsibility to fix their partners' problems, that the problem isn't with their own behavior but with their partner's behavior.
Neal doesn't assume everyone who reads her book is unaware of the unhealthy dynamics of their relationship, though. She also addresses those who see the abuse but feel they must suffer through it for financial reasons or for the sake of their children. I thought the book did a good job of balancing a victim's need to feel prepared to break away from the relationship with practical, necessary information about how to manage the risks of remaining in an abusive relationships, as well as steps victims can take to help prepare themselves to break away. Moreover, Neal specifically addresses the damaging effects abusive relationships can have on children, even when the children themselves are never the abuser's target.
While I certainly think this book is a very important guide for anyone stuck in an unhealthy relationship--whether they're aware of it or not--I also think it's enlightening reading for anyone who's ever cared about someone in such a relationship or someone who wants to develop a better understanding of them. From the outside, it's easy to question why people in abusive relationships don't simply pick up and leave, and Neal's book portrays the complexity of the cycle of abuse and the practical concerns that can keep people in relationships that are so harmful to them. And, at the end of the day, it's critical that society at large develops a better understanding of the psychology of such relationships. Young people need to be taught what's acceptable and what isn't in a relationship so that they will hopefully be able to avoid harmful relationships, or so that if they find themselves in one, they'll have the tools to find a way out of it. It's also important for everyone from teachers to health care workers to members of law enforcement to have a better understanding of the hold these relationships have and the toll they take on their victims. Victims of this kind of abuse may not walk around with visible scars, but their invisible scars can run very, very deep.
This is an important book, and a sadly necessary one.
Full review:
As someone who has weathered more than one emotionally abusive relationships, I think one of the most astonishing things about them is how hard they can be to recognize for what they are. Society does a much better job of acknowledging the existence of physical abuse--though it still has a long, long way to go when it comes to preventing such abuse and protecting victims. It should go without saying that men are also victims of unhealthy, abusive, and dangerous relationships, but the statistics are quite clear about women being disproportionately affected by them. What's more, pop culture aimed at women is often loaded with harmful messages about what's "romantic", feeding women and girls messages about how, with enough love and care, they can "fix" a "broken" partner. Books like these are absolutely necessary to help tear down and expose those myths for the harmful garbage they are.
Using various case studies and anecdotes, Neal offers a comprehensive overview of what these relationships can look and feel like, which is something that many women stuck in unhealthy relationships need, because when you're in it, it's very difficult to see what's happening right in front of you. Neal shows the subtleties of these relationships, how a slow, gradual eroding of the woman's sense of self is used to establish a toehold in her partner's quest for dominance over her. As with physical abuse, these relationships are about power, about the partner's sense of dominating his or her partner, of controlling their loyalty and obedience so utterly that their victims can't conceive of any other way of being. As Neal shows, what's so insidious about these relationships is that abusers often play on the messages society sends women, messages that tell them if they're just more patient or less assertive or a better housekeeper or a more accepting partner, they can fix what's wrong with the relationship. This warped reality implies that the blame lies with the victim rather than correctly assigning it to the partner who refuses to respect, acknowledge, and support their partner's autonomy. It makes victims question their own judgement and recollection, thus warping their own perspective so that they internalize these messages about blame and begin to buy into them. One of the real strengths of Neal's book, to me, was her deconstruction of specific anecdotes from her clinical practice, incidents that might seem small in isolation but that point to a broader pattern. And as Neal points out, this pattern is deliberately established by the perpetrator because he or she knows that it's so hard to detect, the victim isn't likely to see the forest for the trees.
I can't overstate the importance of this. When you're caught up in a destructive relationship, you don't always see things clearly. Learning how to spot the signs is critical, because part of beginning the process of breaking away from such a relationship is by learning how to spot problematic behavior. Neal shows how important it is not to minimize the damage these small incidents do, how over time that damage compounds, leaving victims feeling like a shell of themselves. Victims stuck in these relationships need to know that things aren't going to get better, that that magical, mythical day when they become the perfect partner will never arrive because their abuser will ensure it doesn't. Otherwise, he or she will lose power over their victim, and since these relationships are about power, it's a loss they'll never tolerate. But most of all, victims need to know it isn't their responsibility to fix their partners' problems, that the problem isn't with their own behavior but with their partner's behavior.
Neal doesn't assume everyone who reads her book is unaware of the unhealthy dynamics of their relationship, though. She also addresses those who see the abuse but feel they must suffer through it for financial reasons or for the sake of their children. I thought the book did a good job of balancing a victim's need to feel prepared to break away from the relationship with practical, necessary information about how to manage the risks of remaining in an abusive relationships, as well as steps victims can take to help prepare themselves to break away. Moreover, Neal specifically addresses the damaging effects abusive relationships can have on children, even when the children themselves are never the abuser's target.
While I certainly think this book is a very important guide for anyone stuck in an unhealthy relationship--whether they're aware of it or not--I also think it's enlightening reading for anyone who's ever cared about someone in such a relationship or someone who wants to develop a better understanding of them. From the outside, it's easy to question why people in abusive relationships don't simply pick up and leave, and Neal's book portrays the complexity of the cycle of abuse and the practical concerns that can keep people in relationships that are so harmful to them. And, at the end of the day, it's critical that society at large develops a better understanding of the psychology of such relationships. Young people need to be taught what's acceptable and what isn't in a relationship so that they will hopefully be able to avoid harmful relationships, or so that if they find themselves in one, they'll have the tools to find a way out of it. It's also important for everyone from teachers to health care workers to members of law enforcement to have a better understanding of the hold these relationships have and the toll they take on their victims. Victims of this kind of abuse may not walk around with visible scars, but their invisible scars can run very, very deep.
This is an important book, and a sadly necessary one.
July 21, 2019
Book 45/55:
If he's so great, why do I feel so bad? by Avery Neal. Trying to gain some perspective. Recommended by a friend, and probably one of the most important reads of my life thus far. I do not want to be treated the same way in the future, knowing the signs is the first step. I've worked on myself with a lot of self-help / living in the present moment type of books. Now, I want to understand other people and be a light to those who also need the same constant advice I had needed in order to take the steps needed. If you don't feel good in a relationship (any one of them), you have a choice to say no, you don't owe anyone anything, you're allowed to seek your own happiness, even if it means hurting someone you love in the process. It's important to look out for yourself and know what's best for you in the end. Happiness is a choice. And chasing dreams a necessity. And one day, this knowledge will be passed down to my daughter as best to my capabilities, everyone deserves to be happy.
If he's so great, why do I feel so bad? by Avery Neal. Trying to gain some perspective. Recommended by a friend, and probably one of the most important reads of my life thus far. I do not want to be treated the same way in the future, knowing the signs is the first step. I've worked on myself with a lot of self-help / living in the present moment type of books. Now, I want to understand other people and be a light to those who also need the same constant advice I had needed in order to take the steps needed. If you don't feel good in a relationship (any one of them), you have a choice to say no, you don't owe anyone anything, you're allowed to seek your own happiness, even if it means hurting someone you love in the process. It's important to look out for yourself and know what's best for you in the end. Happiness is a choice. And chasing dreams a necessity. And one day, this knowledge will be passed down to my daughter as best to my capabilities, everyone deserves to be happy.
September 25, 2023
σκεφτόμουν να μην αφήσω κάποια "κριτικη" για το βιβλίο, μάλλον από ντροπή..
αλλά γιατί όχι? μπορεί κάποιον να βοηθήσει.
Ειμαι ηδη 3 χρόνια μακριά από όσα συνέβησαν. τώρα με κατάφερα να αγοράσω το βιβλιο..
ήταν ψυχικα μια πολυ δύσκολη ανάγνωση. δεν θα περάσετε ευχάριστα διαβάζοντας το.
ΑΛΛΑ πιστεύω ότι είναι μια καλή αρχή για να μπεις κ να επουλώσεις το τραύμα.
Οσες/όσοι έχετε έστω κ το παραμικρό δείγμα ότι κακοποιηστε δώστε μια ευκαιρία στον εαυτό σας κ διαβάστε το. δεν έχει επιστημονικους όρους, τουναντιον είναι απλά γραμμένο κ με πολλές πραγματικές ιστορίες παραδείγματα.
ελπίζω η ανάγνωση του να βοηθήσει μα φύγετε από εκεί που είστε ή αν έχετε φύγει (όπως εγω) να μπειτε στην διαδικασία επούλωσης.
αξίζει σε όλους μια ολοκληρωμένη ζωή χωρίς φόβο κ άγχος.
αλλά γιατί όχι? μπορεί κάποιον να βοηθήσει.
Ειμαι ηδη 3 χρόνια μακριά από όσα συνέβησαν. τώρα με κατάφερα να αγοράσω το βιβλιο..
ήταν ψυχικα μια πολυ δύσκολη ανάγνωση. δεν θα περάσετε ευχάριστα διαβάζοντας το.
ΑΛΛΑ πιστεύω ότι είναι μια καλή αρχή για να μπεις κ να επουλώσεις το τραύμα.
Οσες/όσοι έχετε έστω κ το παραμικρό δείγμα ότι κακοποιηστε δώστε μια ευκαιρία στον εαυτό σας κ διαβάστε το. δεν έχει επιστημονικους όρους, τουναντιον είναι απλά γραμμένο κ με πολλές πραγματικές ιστορίες παραδείγματα.
ελπίζω η ανάγνωση του να βοηθήσει μα φύγετε από εκεί που είστε ή αν έχετε φύγει (όπως εγω) να μπειτε στην διαδικασία επούλωσης.
αξίζει σε όλους μια ολοκληρωμένη ζωή χωρίς φόβο κ άγχος.
May 15, 2019
I saw this in the library while looking for something else (information about the biological aspects of the Black Death actually) and thought I'd take a look at it, to see if it might be useful to give to a friend. I skimmed it and I think it would be, if she would read it. I don't know if she would or not.
May 22, 2022
Just WOW! This book was life changing for me! It introduces the idea of subtle abuse. Not the beating your wife kind of abuse. The subtle stuff that only goes on behind closed doors and that no one else would be able to pick up on. It goes through many forms, but her main claim is that if the relationship feels bad or fearful, that's not healthy and you should really consider leaving. It's even tough to get couples counseling because therapists don't even realize the subtle abuse pattern so the abuser is expert at playing the victim and turning things so it looks like you're the crazy one that needs to change. I highly recommend everyone in their 20's read this book to be able to recognize patterns of abuse before they get locked into a painful relationship!
October 28, 2020
Excellent book for the non-therapist. It has a minimum amount of psychology terms and technical lingo and has some really useful information.
August 8, 2019
Every girl and woman needs to read this book. It is incredible.
August 14, 2021
think this is good for those suffering from subtle domestic abuse
November 14, 2018
Great title! That is what made me pick it up. Interesting to see what kind of personality a person has invites the subtle abuse which the abuser uses to control their victim. Wish the book also included how to tolerably continue sticking in the relationship as well as detailing how to deal with getting out of it. Sometimes one has a duty to stay with a damaged person even if no love. But well explained for what author Avery Neal proposed to put forth!
October 22, 2019
This is a very interesting read. It explains the very confusing, inconsistent behaviors of those whose overriding goal in a relationship is to control his/her partner. This book is not about physical or sexual abuse. It is about emotional abuse. Slowly, over time, the abuser will throw in a comment or make a joke at your expense. Often abusers will make demeaning or off-color comments about the opposite sex. The comments are not specifically about you, but the put-down obviously extends to you or your family and friends, making you feel uneasy. If you get defensive and confront him, he is likely to turn things around on you, claiming that you are “too sensitive,” “can’t take a joke,” or some version of this. You begin to question yourself . . . “maybe I did overreact?” This is the beginning. It will likely include an irrational need to control the family financial resources. Decisions, both large and small, will not be made through collaboration, but by the abuser, with special care to not choose the option preferred by the partner. The abuser seems incapable of empathy, putting his own needs ahead of his partner’s. He is defensive and arrogant, and refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior. Confusion reigns in this relationship because of the “push/pull pattern. Though he is cruel, demeaning, critical, demanding, and abusive, he is also at times warm, engaged, and seemingly empathetic and loving. However, as soon as you become trusting and he feels you are dependent upon him again, he will deliver another blow. You are left feeling perplexed and questioning what happened when you thought things were going so well, and you wonder what you’ve done to trigger such aggression. There may be a calm and relatively happy period of time in between explosions, giving you a false sense of security that coincides with fear from the uncertainty about when and if it will happen again.
June 20, 2019
How **Subtle** Abuse can be, and how many people in your life may be in a power ploy to exploit you:
We've seen these books before, but this one is different. Avery Neal shows us how subtle abuse can be. And how it's about power. These people almost never change. The trick is to recognize them and learn how to keep them from bringing us down.
This may not be the most comprehensive or thorough look at the kinds of verbal abuse and subtle manipulation that turns a lively, empathetic, cheerful person into a fearful and depressed victim of a narcissist, but Avery Neal offers us an excellent place to begin with this book. Empaths--people who care deeply about how other people feel--are the targets of these charming, often very respected and well liked abusers.
... Where's the rest of the review? Sad to say, I forgot to copy this one over to Goodreads, failed to make a copy and keep it in my hard drive, and ... Amazon flushed every review of every book, every product, I ever reviewed, for unspecified "violations" of their policies (I'm guessing the Friends and Family; meet an author on social media, "Follow" and "Like" the author, and you're now *friends* and reviewers are now automatically assumed to be unethically promoting friends.)
[See your full review] ... click on the link... and you get this:
"Looking for something?
We're sorry. The Web address you entered is not a functioning page on our site. Go to Amazon.com's Home Page" - and you won't find it there either.
I'm sorry, I do not have time to rewrite the hundreds of reviews that have been lost.
Suffice to say, I appreciate this book for its focus on how hard it can be for someone to recognize abuse for what it is - and it isn't just boyfriends or husbands who may do this; women do it to other women, on the job, in neighborhoods, in families.
We've seen these books before, but this one is different. Avery Neal shows us how subtle abuse can be. And how it's about power. These people almost never change. The trick is to recognize them and learn how to keep them from bringing us down.
This may not be the most comprehensive or thorough look at the kinds of verbal abuse and subtle manipulation that turns a lively, empathetic, cheerful person into a fearful and depressed victim of a narcissist, but Avery Neal offers us an excellent place to begin with this book. Empaths--people who care deeply about how other people feel--are the targets of these charming, often very respected and well liked abusers.
... Where's the rest of the review? Sad to say, I forgot to copy this one over to Goodreads, failed to make a copy and keep it in my hard drive, and ... Amazon flushed every review of every book, every product, I ever reviewed, for unspecified "violations" of their policies (I'm guessing the Friends and Family; meet an author on social media, "Follow" and "Like" the author, and you're now *friends* and reviewers are now automatically assumed to be unethically promoting friends.)
[See your full review] ... click on the link... and you get this:
"Looking for something?
We're sorry. The Web address you entered is not a functioning page on our site. Go to Amazon.com's Home Page" - and you won't find it there either.
I'm sorry, I do not have time to rewrite the hundreds of reviews that have been lost.
Suffice to say, I appreciate this book for its focus on how hard it can be for someone to recognize abuse for what it is - and it isn't just boyfriends or husbands who may do this; women do it to other women, on the job, in neighborhoods, in families.
March 4, 2019
This book had me crying from the beginning until the very last page.
It is overwhelmingly accurate but written in a very gentle and caring way. It was painful to find myself reflected in countless pages but in the end it was a very enlightening, and even cathartic, experience.
I think it is a very complete book because not only does it widely explain many aspects of human behaviour but it also gives you practical advice, introspective exercises and even emergency contacts. I liked that it focuses not only in describing the abuser, but also takes the time to explain the characteristics of the victims of abuse and the many reasons why they end up in an abusive relationship, emphasizing that it isn't always because they suffered from an abusive childhood; that there are a lot of many other reasons, and that nonetheless it is never the victim's fault. I also find the last chapter ("Helping our daughters") very interesting and useful. It is, indeed, so very important to educate girls in this matter (recognizing and avoiding subtle abusive relationships).
To sum up, reading this book left me feeling safer, smarter and braver. I consider it an invaluable source of information and understanding. There were things that I already knew but it is always comforting to see them written; like a confirmation that you are not, in fact, crazy, and that there is someone who gets it.
I believe this book will forever be my treasure because of what it taught me, and because of who gave it to me.
I highly recommend it, hoping that one day, no woman will suffer from abuse ever again.
You never walk alone.
It is overwhelmingly accurate but written in a very gentle and caring way. It was painful to find myself reflected in countless pages but in the end it was a very enlightening, and even cathartic, experience.
I think it is a very complete book because not only does it widely explain many aspects of human behaviour but it also gives you practical advice, introspective exercises and even emergency contacts. I liked that it focuses not only in describing the abuser, but also takes the time to explain the characteristics of the victims of abuse and the many reasons why they end up in an abusive relationship, emphasizing that it isn't always because they suffered from an abusive childhood; that there are a lot of many other reasons, and that nonetheless it is never the victim's fault. I also find the last chapter ("Helping our daughters") very interesting and useful. It is, indeed, so very important to educate girls in this matter (recognizing and avoiding subtle abusive relationships).
To sum up, reading this book left me feeling safer, smarter and braver. I consider it an invaluable source of information and understanding. There were things that I already knew but it is always comforting to see them written; like a confirmation that you are not, in fact, crazy, and that there is someone who gets it.
I believe this book will forever be my treasure because of what it taught me, and because of who gave it to me.
I highly recommend it, hoping that one day, no woman will suffer from abuse ever again.
You never walk alone.
September 25, 2018
This book is an important read if you are in a relationship where you are a victim of subtle abuse now or have been in this type of relationship. There are many forms of abuse, but the focus of this book is on emotional or subtle abuse. This book will help you to understand subtle abuse, recognize the signs of it, and recover from it. To the abuser, the abuse is a type of game where they always win, and they know just how to accomplish that. It is especially confusing to the victim as the abuser will twist things around and at times appear normal. Or they will give apologies or excuses to turn things around. This in turn will leave the victim confused or as if they are imagining things. You the victim must remember that this is not your fault as you get away from your relationship and heal afterwards. This book is a wonderful guide to watch out for subtle abuse or empower you to leave your relationship. Perhaps you have already recognized some signs of subtle abuse and this book will help you to understand it better. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is in this type of relationship or has been, as well as to anyone who knows someone in their life who could use the wisdom in this book!
September 2, 2020
This book is not a great literature.. but its about life..
I used to wonder why and how the Intelligent, Smart,Kind, Compassionate woman bear ABUSE.. either physical or mental or most importantly SUBTLE ABUSE.
This book is an eye opener with clear signs of many case studies. the profiling, the abuse, the mental and social constraints in bearing the abuse..
many woman say that they are bearing it all for their children. This book also talks about how a daughter learns and adopts during or after abusive relationship of her parents.
someone asked me... why its for woman ? Is there no women abusers who does the same to men..
well.. majority statistics say the otherwise...
anyway.. what it taught me.. to ability to understand inner layers of phyche.. even in most so called happy projecting relationships.. the profiles of different abusers ..most importantly the recovery and healing path and challenges..!
I want to give this book to every woman to understand the subtle abuse.. and come out..
Because however much name, fame, success we have unless until you are happy in your interpersonal relationships.. and understand one thing.. you cant spread happiness to your family or children, if your soul is crushed and you are unhappy... Period..!
~~Sai Padma
#SaiReviews
I used to wonder why and how the Intelligent, Smart,Kind, Compassionate woman bear ABUSE.. either physical or mental or most importantly SUBTLE ABUSE.
This book is an eye opener with clear signs of many case studies. the profiling, the abuse, the mental and social constraints in bearing the abuse..
many woman say that they are bearing it all for their children. This book also talks about how a daughter learns and adopts during or after abusive relationship of her parents.
someone asked me... why its for woman ? Is there no women abusers who does the same to men..
well.. majority statistics say the otherwise...
anyway.. what it taught me.. to ability to understand inner layers of phyche.. even in most so called happy projecting relationships.. the profiles of different abusers ..most importantly the recovery and healing path and challenges..!
I want to give this book to every woman to understand the subtle abuse.. and come out..
Because however much name, fame, success we have unless until you are happy in your interpersonal relationships.. and understand one thing.. you cant spread happiness to your family or children, if your soul is crushed and you are unhappy... Period..!
~~Sai Padma
#SaiReviews
May 3, 2018
A valuable and important book I will look forward to having on my shelf. It was well-written and riveting. Like a good novel, I was hooked. So many dog-eared and highlighted pages.
Yes, I chose this book because I have known I live with a bully. I've known there wasn't something quite right early on but, as the author figured, chose to ignore it to honor the investment of time and energy that my family an I have already put into this relationship. And I fear what horrible habits and norms my children are witnessing and experiencing every day.
Though everything was very validating, what I wish Avery Neal had included was something a tad more balanced. She presented case studies that clearly demonstrated what was wrong with the abuser, but I wish I could've learned more about what is wrong with the victim so I know better on how to correct what's wrong with me. Admittedly, the goal for Neal was likely to paint enough for the victim to diagnose and take action to end it.
Folks-- If there are other books more helpful on this topic, I hope someone shares on this forum. There's clearly a need out there for this conversation and support.
Yes, I chose this book because I have known I live with a bully. I've known there wasn't something quite right early on but, as the author figured, chose to ignore it to honor the investment of time and energy that my family an I have already put into this relationship. And I fear what horrible habits and norms my children are witnessing and experiencing every day.
Though everything was very validating, what I wish Avery Neal had included was something a tad more balanced. She presented case studies that clearly demonstrated what was wrong with the abuser, but I wish I could've learned more about what is wrong with the victim so I know better on how to correct what's wrong with me. Admittedly, the goal for Neal was likely to paint enough for the victim to diagnose and take action to end it.
Folks-- If there are other books more helpful on this topic, I hope someone shares on this forum. There's clearly a need out there for this conversation and support.
April 18, 2018
This is definitely an author who knows her subject. As the aunt of a beloved niece who was trapped in this sort of subtly abusive and controlling relationship, I can say that I have had a front row seat to the confusion and sorrow that my loved one felt as I read the author's revelation of the nature of these controlling bullies.
People so often say that their loved ones or themselves are not in an abusive relationship because there is no physical violence or name calling. While it is not "overt" abuse, in it's way it is even more insidious because it diminishes the victim just as surely as hitting and screaming. It causes one to question themselves constantly, and I know for my niece, it wore away at her self esteem and confidence until there was little left of the strong and capable young woman that I had known.
If you or a loved one is in a relationship that sometimes feels like a psychological thriller and doesn't feel good, no matter how it looks to others, get this book and make it your reference for helping yourself or your loved one to reconstruct a happy, joyful, and fulfilling life.
p.s. My niece ended up doing just that!!
People so often say that their loved ones or themselves are not in an abusive relationship because there is no physical violence or name calling. While it is not "overt" abuse, in it's way it is even more insidious because it diminishes the victim just as surely as hitting and screaming. It causes one to question themselves constantly, and I know for my niece, it wore away at her self esteem and confidence until there was little left of the strong and capable young woman that I had known.
If you or a loved one is in a relationship that sometimes feels like a psychological thriller and doesn't feel good, no matter how it looks to others, get this book and make it your reference for helping yourself or your loved one to reconstruct a happy, joyful, and fulfilling life.
p.s. My niece ended up doing just that!!
June 7, 2019
(The English review is placed beneath Russian one)
Из множества книг на эту тему, пока только эта книга показалась мне интересной, предлагающей что-то новое, а не набор историй и выводов, которые являются смесью самоочевидных вещей и здравого смысла. Вообще, все подобные книги навивали скуку уже в самом начале, поэтому многие такие книги я не дочитывал до конца, т.к. либо они ориентированы только на тех, кто на собственном примере испытал эмоциональное унижение либо просто представляют расширенную версия статей из глянцевых журналов, рассказывающих в сотый раз одинаковые истории и предлагающие настолько очевидные советы вместе с банальными выводами, что интерес теряется сразу как только ты определяешь, что это именно такая книга. Конечно, я бы не сказал, что эта книга, радикально отличается от вышеназванных или что она более научна (этот недостаток присутствует во всех без исключения книгах на данную тему, что я читал). Однако при всём притом эта книга всё же зацепила меня, в том смысле, что мне было интересно читать, хоть и с множеством «но», по поводу научного подхода. Эта книга скорее походит на «семейного психотерапевта», которую играет подруга, но с тем учётом, что она всё же знает предмет и обладает довольно существенным багажом знаний.
Итак, книга будет в основном вертеться вокруг ситуаций, когда муж всячески принижает жену, эмоционально выжимая её, доводя до психически неуравновешенного состояния. В качестве примера можно привести такую тактику: если ей хочется одно, то муж обязательно, в пику ей, выберет совершенно другое, даже в том случаи, если ему совершенно всё равно. И так до того момента когда терпение иссякнет и разразиться скандал, в ходе которого муж будет всячески подчёркивать ненормальность жены, её поведения. Эта такая психологическая тактика медленного выкручивания, когда в какой-то момент человек взрывается от негодования, а ему указывают на то, что он слишком эмоционально нестабилен, чувствителен и пр. Это – основной сюжет книги. И дальше, на всём её протяжении, автор будет рассматривать, в различных ракурсах, именно такую ситуацию, такой подход. Ещё одним примером может быть ситуация, когда партнёру откровенно неприятно, когда у второй половинки дела идут в гору, когда у неё хорошее настроение. Сюда же я бы добавил и тему «пассивной агрессии», которая также будет рассматриваться в книге в контексте главной темы.
Хотя кому-то тема может показаться довольно банальной, я бы всё же отметил её редкость, ибо не так часто, а лучше сказать в первый раз, я встречаю именно такую тему и с такими примерами. Обычно всё более поверхностно и банально. Тут, всё же видно желание разобраться в конкретном случаи. Плюс, мне было интересно узнать о такой форме унижения и нападения. Она мне видится более изощрённой, нежели обычное физическое нападение, словесные оскорбления и пр. Тут, как показывает автор, всё более утончённо.
Ближе к концу книги автор будет предлагать собственные советы по выходу из подобной ситуации, но они будут крайне короткими и скорее призваны стимулировать жертву сделать первый шаг.
Of the many books on the subject, so far only this book has seemed to me interesting, offering something new, not a set of stories and conclusions, which are a mixture of self-evident things and common sense. In general, all such books were boring at the very beginning, so I didn't finish many of them, because either they are oriented only at those who have experienced emotional humiliation by their own example or simply present an extended version of articles from glossy magazines, telling the same stories for the hundredth time and offering so obvious advice along with banal conclusions, that the interest is lost as soon as you determine that it is such a book. Of course, I wouldn't say that this book is radically different from the above or that it's more scientific (a disadvantage that's present in all of the books I've read on the subject without exception). But still, this book caught my eye, in the sense that I was interested in reading, albeit with a lot of "but", about the scientific approach. This book is more like a "family therapist" played by a girlfriend, but with the fact that she still knows the subject and has quite a lot of knowledge.
So, the book will mainly revolve around situations when the husband belittles his wife in every possible way, emotionally squeezing her out, bringing her to a mentally unstable state. As an example, we can cite the following tactics: if she wants one thing, the husband will definitely choose another one, even if he does not care about it at all. And so until the moment when patience runs out and a scandal breaks out, during which the husband will emphasize in every possible way the abnormality of his wife, her behavior. This psychological tactic of slow twisting, when at some point a person explodes with indignation, and he is told that he is too emotionally unstable, sensitive, etc. This is the main topic of the book. And further on, throughout it, the author will consider, from different angles, this very situation, this approach. Another example is when a partner is not comfortable with the situation, when the partner's business is going up the hill, or when she is in a good mood. I would also add the topic of "passive-aggressive behavior", which will also be considered in the book in the context of the main topic.
Although the topic may seem rather trivial to some people, I would still note that it is rare, because it is not often that I meet such a topic with such examples. Usually it is more and more superficial and banal. Here, you can still see the desire to understand the specific cases. Plus, I was interested in learning about this form of humiliation and assault. It seems to me more sophisticated than the usual physical assault, verbal abuse, etc. Here, as the author shows, is more and more sophisticated.
Towards the end of the book the author will offer his own advice on how to get out of this situation, but it will be extremely short and more likely to encourage the victim to take the first step.
Из множества книг на эту тему, пока только эта книга показалась мне интересной, предлагающей что-то новое, а не набор историй и выводов, которые являются смесью самоочевидных вещей и здравого смысла. Вообще, все подобные книги навивали скуку уже в самом начале, поэтому многие такие книги я не дочитывал до конца, т.к. либо они ориентированы только на тех, кто на собственном примере испытал эмоциональное унижение либо просто представляют расширенную версия статей из глянцевых журналов, рассказывающих в сотый раз одинаковые истории и предлагающие настолько очевидные советы вместе с банальными выводами, что интерес теряется сразу как только ты определяешь, что это именно такая книга. Конечно, я бы не сказал, что эта книга, радикально отличается от вышеназванных или что она более научна (этот недостаток присутствует во всех без исключения книгах на данную тему, что я читал). Однако при всём притом эта книга всё же зацепила меня, в том смысле, что мне было интересно читать, хоть и с множеством «но», по поводу научного подхода. Эта книга скорее походит на «семейного психотерапевта», которую играет подруга, но с тем учётом, что она всё же знает предмет и обладает довольно существенным багажом знаний.
Итак, книга будет в основном вертеться вокруг ситуаций, когда муж всячески принижает жену, эмоционально выжимая её, доводя до психически неуравновешенного состояния. В качестве примера можно привести такую тактику: если ей хочется одно, то муж обязательно, в пику ей, выберет совершенно другое, даже в том случаи, если ему совершенно всё равно. И так до того момента когда терпение иссякнет и разразиться скандал, в ходе которого муж будет всячески подчёркивать ненормальность жены, её поведения. Эта такая психологическая тактика медленного выкручивания, когда в какой-то момент человек взрывается от негодования, а ему указывают на то, что он слишком эмоционально нестабилен, чувствителен и пр. Это – основной сюжет книги. И дальше, на всём её протяжении, автор будет рассматривать, в различных ракурсах, именно такую ситуацию, такой подход. Ещё одним примером может быть ситуация, когда партнёру откровенно неприятно, когда у второй половинки дела идут в гору, когда у неё хорошее настроение. Сюда же я бы добавил и тему «пассивной агрессии», которая также будет рассматриваться в книге в контексте главной темы.
Хотя кому-то тема может показаться довольно банальной, я бы всё же отметил её редкость, ибо не так часто, а лучше сказать в первый раз, я встречаю именно такую тему и с такими примерами. Обычно всё более поверхностно и банально. Тут, всё же видно желание разобраться в конкретном случаи. Плюс, мне было интересно узнать о такой форме унижения и нападения. Она мне видится более изощрённой, нежели обычное физическое нападение, словесные оскорбления и пр. Тут, как показывает автор, всё более утончённо.
Ближе к концу книги автор будет предлагать собственные советы по выходу из подобной ситуации, но они будут крайне короткими и скорее призваны стимулировать жертву сделать первый шаг.
Of the many books on the subject, so far only this book has seemed to me interesting, offering something new, not a set of stories and conclusions, which are a mixture of self-evident things and common sense. In general, all such books were boring at the very beginning, so I didn't finish many of them, because either they are oriented only at those who have experienced emotional humiliation by their own example or simply present an extended version of articles from glossy magazines, telling the same stories for the hundredth time and offering so obvious advice along with banal conclusions, that the interest is lost as soon as you determine that it is such a book. Of course, I wouldn't say that this book is radically different from the above or that it's more scientific (a disadvantage that's present in all of the books I've read on the subject without exception). But still, this book caught my eye, in the sense that I was interested in reading, albeit with a lot of "but", about the scientific approach. This book is more like a "family therapist" played by a girlfriend, but with the fact that she still knows the subject and has quite a lot of knowledge.
So, the book will mainly revolve around situations when the husband belittles his wife in every possible way, emotionally squeezing her out, bringing her to a mentally unstable state. As an example, we can cite the following tactics: if she wants one thing, the husband will definitely choose another one, even if he does not care about it at all. And so until the moment when patience runs out and a scandal breaks out, during which the husband will emphasize in every possible way the abnormality of his wife, her behavior. This psychological tactic of slow twisting, when at some point a person explodes with indignation, and he is told that he is too emotionally unstable, sensitive, etc. This is the main topic of the book. And further on, throughout it, the author will consider, from different angles, this very situation, this approach. Another example is when a partner is not comfortable with the situation, when the partner's business is going up the hill, or when she is in a good mood. I would also add the topic of "passive-aggressive behavior", which will also be considered in the book in the context of the main topic.
Although the topic may seem rather trivial to some people, I would still note that it is rare, because it is not often that I meet such a topic with such examples. Usually it is more and more superficial and banal. Here, you can still see the desire to understand the specific cases. Plus, I was interested in learning about this form of humiliation and assault. It seems to me more sophisticated than the usual physical assault, verbal abuse, etc. Here, as the author shows, is more and more sophisticated.
Towards the end of the book the author will offer his own advice on how to get out of this situation, but it will be extremely short and more likely to encourage the victim to take the first step.
June 20, 2019
I really needed to read this. It really illustrates the dynamics of feeling powerless in a toxic relationship. I would recommend this book to anyone who has every struggled feeling their value in a relationship, even if it was in the past, because Neal spends the time reminding you that not everything was your fault and you're greater than the things that happened to you.
Some of the lines I loved are:
"Try to remember that you are not responsible for, nor can you control, how your partner feels or behaves. It is this sense of responsibility and attempt to manage you partner's reactions that have kept you in an unhealthy dynamic for the length of the relationship."
"Making the choice to leave someone who chronically mistreats you is a very brave decision. It takes courage and strength, both of which you may have very little of after enduring an abusive relationship... You are worth fighting for."
Some of the lines I loved are:
"Try to remember that you are not responsible for, nor can you control, how your partner feels or behaves. It is this sense of responsibility and attempt to manage you partner's reactions that have kept you in an unhealthy dynamic for the length of the relationship."
"Making the choice to leave someone who chronically mistreats you is a very brave decision. It takes courage and strength, both of which you may have very little of after enduring an abusive relationship... You are worth fighting for."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 23, 2025
The book spoke to me. I made me feel I am not crazy by giving many examples of poor treatment. It validated the way I feel. It gave me words to use to explain myself and empowered me to stand up for myself. I am so grateful for this book.
The most important things I learned from the book:
Actions speak louder than words. If the person who makes you sad or stressed actions do not follow what they say, you are being manipulated.
If it feels bad or uncomfortable, it isn’t okay. I need to trust my gut and know that even subtle put downs are abusive- it is emotional abuse- a very painful and real form of abuse that no human should be the victim of.
No matter what your partner says, you are valuable and there is a way out if you want it. Don’t be a victim. Stand up for yourself and your kids if you have them. Stop suffering.
The most important things I learned from the book:
Actions speak louder than words. If the person who makes you sad or stressed actions do not follow what they say, you are being manipulated.
If it feels bad or uncomfortable, it isn’t okay. I need to trust my gut and know that even subtle put downs are abusive- it is emotional abuse- a very painful and real form of abuse that no human should be the victim of.
No matter what your partner says, you are valuable and there is a way out if you want it. Don’t be a victim. Stand up for yourself and your kids if you have them. Stop suffering.
August 4, 2020
I felt so oppressed, but I didn't realize what I was actually experiencing was a form of abuse.
I accidently came across this book. The title explains exactly the way victims of emotional abuse feel.
What people see is a great person. What the victim experiences is something different. Avery Neal breaks it down so clearly. Every chapter was like a page from my life. I've sense gone into counseling to recover from the trauma of the relationship. This is a very practical understanding of what it means to experience emotional/coercive/subtle/narcissistic abuse and manipulation. This is also a good read for someone who doesn't quite "get it" when a friend or relative speaks of emotional abuse.
I accidently came across this book. The title explains exactly the way victims of emotional abuse feel.
What people see is a great person. What the victim experiences is something different. Avery Neal breaks it down so clearly. Every chapter was like a page from my life. I've sense gone into counseling to recover from the trauma of the relationship. This is a very practical understanding of what it means to experience emotional/coercive/subtle/narcissistic abuse and manipulation. This is also a good read for someone who doesn't quite "get it" when a friend or relative speaks of emotional abuse.
August 16, 2020
I give 5 starts only because there’s no higher rating .. and I wish this book has been handed over to me a few months ago. Simply amazing!
It's incredible how one book can widely open your eyes. It's a must-read for anyone who struggles in their unhealthy relationship.
'You become so familiar with the practise of abandoning yourself in the relationship, you fail to notice that you use this same practise across all areas of your life . . . until you no longer exist.'
The problem is women think he will change; he won’t. The
mistake men make is thinking she’ll never leave; she will.
—Anonymous
It's incredible how one book can widely open your eyes. It's a must-read for anyone who struggles in their unhealthy relationship.
'You become so familiar with the practise of abandoning yourself in the relationship, you fail to notice that you use this same practise across all areas of your life . . . until you no longer exist.'
The problem is women think he will change; he won’t. The
mistake men make is thinking she’ll never leave; she will.
—Anonymous
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